We are totally doing IVF in the Spring!!

So. . . I'm having another date night with a bottle of Pinot Noir! Hahaha, I promise I'm drinking out of a glass this time! More like a coffee cup, but hey it gets the job done. I'm watching "Rock of Ages", snuggled in my blanket, eating some peppermint bark and oh my gosh - I think I unconsciously swoon over Alec Baldwin. I think it's, because he's an Aries like me. He seriously makes me giggle :) Or maybe it is really, because I watch "30 Rock" and I love, LOVE love the relationship between Liz and Jack. . .  I always imagine Josh as my Jack :)

Lately, life has been very busy and I'm so, soo happy that the Holiday season is coming to an end! Work has been super busy, Josh's Nanny passed away and we flew to Louisiana in early December. . . When I got back I went back to work the next day and worked for 10 days straight, my grandmother, the very woman who raised me has been in and out of the Hospital for the last two weeks. She is out now and doing better, but geeeeze. I'm ready for a break and ready for things to calm down. Ugggg. Holiday season in my job field = craziness and longer hours. I'm burnt out, lol.

So, obviously the world did not end on the 21st :| I think I may have secretly hoped something slightly crazy would happen,lol I kept saying to Josh "If the world ends, or society as we know it ends then I won't have to work anymore" Hahaha. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh-well, maybe next time. I did have a Christmas-Dooms Day party at my house on Friday - The day the world was supposed to end, lol. It was a blast!! I had such a great time. I have to say it was the best party turn out at my house since we've moved in :) Christmas was good, not great, but good. I enjoyed being with my family the most! I think I feel so blah about it, because I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - Booooo. *sigh* and, because yet again we celebrate Christmas without our own little family - Infertility and Endometriosis suck - Big time *stomps feet*

But. . .  Hopefully. . . This will be our last Christmas as just the two of us!!

I haven't really been open or very verbal about this on Blogger, because I wasn't quite ready to share with everyone, I know some people read my blogs and I wasn't ready for them to know, but now I am.

Josh and I are moving forward with IVF in the spring. . .

Holy Freaking Crap!! 

Our first IVF consult appointment is set for February 4th *Eeeeeeeek*

I actually posted a blog months ago in my excitement and then took it down the very next day, lol. Some of you saw that, but for those who didn't - now you know!! I recently had 2,000.00 dollars worth of medication donated to me - OMG!! How awesome is that??? I feel truly blessed and if I don't use all of it then I will donate my remaining med's to someone in the end.

I am beyond excited *sigh* I'm also really scared, nervous and anxious. This is a huge step, a huge risk. Our hearts could be ripped apart or we could get he best gift life could possibly give. Looking over the year of 2012. . . it was filled with hurt, grief, pain, healing and frustration. I still feel some of those things here and there, but for the most part I do pretty well!! I'm strong in my head, strong in my heart and strong in my reason for continuing to try for a baby of our own. I will be going to a new Fertility Clinic, which makes me a bit nervous, but my doctor is moving to this clinic so that should make the transition much easier. I will probably start posting a bit more as we get closer. I will need a place of venting, questioning and reasoning. Blogging has always helped me through uncertain times.

In the new year Josh and I plan to get back into health mode!! We've been eating bad and drinking and all that good stuff. Now it's time to get back on track and get into baby-making mode. It's not the most romantic way to make a baby, but I have high hopes and at this point I don't care what it takes to get there. I just want to get somewhere. I'm excited about IVF, but realize and keep reminding myself that this is not a 100% guarantee. . . I will remain optimistic in my days ahead.

I signed up for a 5k in February :) I'm really excited about that. It is partly motivation to keep in shapte and healthy for IVF, but also something really fun to do. I've never done one before, but I've always wanted to do one. I turn 30 in March, have a small list of a few tings I want to do before turning 30, a 5k is one of them. I'm trying not to wig out about turning 30, but I have tiny moments here and there where I feel my youth slipping away, lol. I need to start planning a Birthday Bash!! We will not start an IVF Cycle until about April, so I will allow myself one night of fun and a few drinks!! I'm specifically waiting until after my Birthday to do IVF, because if it doesn't work I don't want to be sad and miserable during my 30th birthday. This past birthday when I turned 29 I was in the dumps. We did our 2nd IUI and I was in my 2WW on my birthday. . . I could not enjoy myself. I think I knew deep down inside that the IUI didn't work so it put me in a pretty fowl mood, I was so depressed and felt like such a failure, I was really angry with my body. . . I will not do that to myself again, not again.

Merry Christmas to everyone!! or Merry "What ever you celebrate" - See everyone in the new year!!

This post was brought to you by Pinot Noir

Here I sit. . . cozy on the couch., in my comfy cloths, in my usual spot with my usual Fall colored throw that Josh absolutely hates, lol. He has every right to hate it. Haha.  I got it on sale a year ago, I'd been eying if for a few weeks. The colors were so beautiful - rust and olive green chocolate browns with a few golden strands here and there, that kinda thing. Well. . . The stupid throw sheds worst than my dogs :| So, yea. . . here I sit, snug as a bug watching the movie "Andre". Sometimes I get these nostalgic feelings and pine to watch movies I loved as a child, or rather young person. . . Did I mention that I'm drinking Pinot Noir? Did I also mention that I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Is it sad to say I was a little lazy and didn't want to get up to get a glass?? My excuse is that I drank half the bottle a few days back and since I know I'll finish the rest tonight, a glass. . . is not needed :) Pure logic I tell ya, pure logic. I'm quite happy right now if that means anything!!

I feel like the last part of this year is flying by. . . Like, seriously, wtf?!?  Does anyone else feel this way. I feel like I might say this every year, but  I swear this year if feels even faster. Hummm. Thanksgiving is in two days and it does not feel like Thanksgiving just yet. Mother Nature is late for the Fall party. . .  crazy bitch. I'm ready for some cold weather!!

(side note - So, Mr. Pnut and I have been watching Fringe (love!!) and Joshua Jackson playes Peter, well I'm watching Andre, the movie about the seal, and Joshua Jackson is in it as a little kid, loooooooollololol. I'm giggiling over here)

Okay, so back to how freaking fast time is flying by. (Side pic - Josh and I dressed as Zombies for a Halloween Party this year) I have to say I'm sadly disappointed that I haven't seen more craziness happening in the news about Dec 21st, 2012. (Pinot Noir makes me sarcastic). I thought for sure there would be large groups of people freaking out right about now. . . Tomorrow will make it a month till dooms day. Hahahha. I remember last year and the year before last when I was in the trenches of ttc. . . I felt this indescribable need to get pregnant fast so that I could get pregnant and have a baby before the world ended. wtf?? Is wrong with me? I don't know why I felt that way... but this tiny little voice in the back of my head would say "well, what if something really does happen" Nothing like feeling and hearing the ticking countdown of imaginary impending doom.  I don't really think the world is going to end, but you know. . . I'm infertile, I have irrational thoughts from time to time. On an infertility note, I'm doing well :) Still on Birth Control, still having Endo pain :| But doing well over all!! November was a little hard, as it was a year since our last loss, the one that ripped my heart out, yea . . . that one. It was hard, I actually cried on that day. . . it felt nice *sigh*. I'm strong. . . I'm ready. . . for IVF. Eeeek!!

I'm really excited for the new year to come. Eeek! Lots of things to come and I can't wait.

Well, peeps. . . This is totally just a rambling, wine induced post, so I will end here and say goodnight. I hope you are all doing well and soon I will return to blogger full time - xoxoxo

 

The season is changing, and so am I ♥

August is almost gone and Summer is winding down.

I guess you could say - The season is literally on the cusp of change and I couldn't be more happy about it, because I'm starting to feel this change deep within my bones, I can smell it and almost taste it in the air. . . and it feels really, really good.

I started taking Birth Control again since we are no longer ttc'ing, I'm about two weeks in and already I feel like a new person.... well, almost new. . . I'm getting there slowly, but surely. Since starting the BC I feel that something within me has changed or rather something has awoken. I feel like the BC is helping me to understand that I don't have to live in that "TTC" frame of mind anymore, that I can stop thinking about having a baby for a while and that is okay and it doesn't mean I'm giving up, it just means I'm doing what I have to do in order to be happy. Someday we WILL do IVF and when that time comes it will be truly amazing, ah-mazing. I can't wait for that time to come, because I feel deep in my heart that it will work. . . I just know it. But. . .  I'm finding more, and more, that it is okay to just enjoy myself in the time between now and ivf-time. I have to live life. I have to be happy!! The BC is a huge help emotionally. . .  we'll see if it helps the pain! I do still plan to eventually be completely free of red meat and gluten. I've been making much better food choices, MUCH better :)I will admit that sugar is hard. . . I'm finding ice cream the hardest thing to give up. I'm not sure if taking the birth control has been a mental thing, or what, but I feel a spark again that I haven't felt in a very long time. It is a spark of real happiness, not a forced feeling of happiness, but a genuine happiness that is starting to wash over me. I feel it creeping into the nooks and crannies of my heart, breathing new light onto my dry and barren soul.  I feel myself letting go of the negative feelings that have accompanied this the last few years year, and I'm feeling more of this little thing called life. It has definitely taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm so glad that I'm on my way.

Although the Texas heat was horrendous and killed all of the grass in my yard, it did spare my Apple Blossom tree!! I planted it in June for remembrance of our losses and I was a little worried that the summer heat and lack of rain would kill it; I got lucky! So, overall the summer was really, really good to me. I spent time with friends, spent time in the sun, listened to great music beneath the Summer Sun, got sun-kissed and no sun burns, traveled to the lake house several times, drank alcohol and didn't feel guilty about it, got about a thousand new freckles, jet skied for the first time in my life, tubed across the lake laughing my ass off, kayaked for the first time, watched a meteor shower with my sister and saw 6 meteors, had BBQ, learned how to make my best friends awesome guacamole, started watching "Doctor Who" from the beginning, watched 2nd season of "Falling Skies" with my Hubby and I have successfully participated in August VEDA 2012. . . Not a bad summer, not bad at all. 

If you can't tell. . . I'm soooo ready for the Fall season to be here, I could scream!! Eeeek! I have one more day of work left and then I'm on vacation time *happy dance* I'm not going anywhere special. . . Honestly the only reason I'm taking vacation time is to clean my house and my yard. Plus, just having a bit of time off before the busy season kicks our butts will be nice. I've been sooo lazy over the summer and it's been so hot that I haven't wanted to do anything, ANY-E-THING. . . So I need a good week to get things in order. I've also picked up a new hobby ---> Crochet!!! I've needed a hobby for a while and I'm so glad I've found one. When I get really good I'll post a picture of something I've made. I'm currently working on a scarf... The bottom part looks pretty jacked up, but I'm getting better and that's really all that matters :)

This week was officailly Teddy's "Rescue Week". We found him last year this very same week, he was skin and bones, and dug his way into our yard. Josh decided if the was that determined to get into our yard for food and water, then we'd give him a shot - He has turned out to be one of the best dogs we've ever had the privelege of sharing our life with

Happy Rescue Week -Teddy Bear

I hope everyone has a great week and Thanks again to all of those who read and comment on my blog. You have no idea how much all of your sweet words mean to me ♥

 

Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!

 

Update after RE Appt. . .

I can hardly believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. . . I must admit that the time away has been nice and even now as I try and write this post my brain is just not really with it, lol. I think the Texas heat may be frying my brain cells just a tiny bit.

We finally had our WTF appointment with my RE and talked about what the next step is for us since IUI # 3 failed. . . It was a good talk and I'm glad I got it done and over with.

Drum roll please

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IVF

(O.o)

 *pulls hair out* 

Yep, that is the only option left for us unless a miracle happens and  I get pregnant naturally. 

Hummmm. . . *scratches head*  How the heck did we get to this?!?!?

*sigh* 

 IVF will cost us anywhere from 12,500-14,500 and will get us 1 fresh IVF cycle and one FET cycle.

Mr. Pnut and I have decided that we'll save the money. *gulp* It may take a while, but eventually we'll get there. In the mean time I'll still be able to see my RE for treatment of Endometriosos *Happy Dance*. Getting to see Dr. Laura for Endo makes me so very happy and mainly, because I've already been seeing her for the last few years and she already knows my body, heck she's been inside there and knows what's up so that makes me feel very confident that I'm in good hands!!

We talked about what I should do about the Endo during the extended break before getting to IVF and she will leave it completely up to me. She doesn't want to force us to stop trying on our own, because any opportunity is an opportunity, but let's get real. Endo is ravaging my insides as we speak, so I need some way of controlling it from now until we're ready for IVF.

Right now I'm having more and more pain from my Endo, it is not just during AF, but also during sex, ovulation and other random days throughout my cycle. I've dealt with this for a very long time so, I'm kind of used to it, but knowing the pain is coming back more and more each cycle lets me know that the Endo needs to be stopped somehow if we are to have a successful IVF in the future. (I can't believe I just said that) Talking about IVF feels so foreign right now, I never thought we'd have to go that far to make a baby. . .

Dr. Laura recommends going back on BC to see if that helps the pain and to obviously control the growth, if that does not help then we'll talk about Lupron. I seriously do not want to take Lupron :| If any of you have had to go on Lupron for Endo please leave me some info, advice or anything that would be helpful please share :) Dr. Laura also advised me not to wait past 32. The longer we wait the more damage my Endo will cause, I'll be 30 in March so, this gives us a good amount of time to save up. I told Dr. Laura that I would call back in August as I'd make up my mind then on what to do about the BC. I'm about to get a visit from AF, so I plan on trying on our own for a natural cycle during July just as one last attempt on our own before walking away for the next year or so. I don't have high hopes that it will work, but who knows.

I've been thinking about possibly going on a Diet *Ahhhhhhhhhhhh* An Endo Diet that is. I wonder if I can control the Endo in a more natural way that way we still have opportunities to conceive on our own while we wait and save for IVF. So many things to think about. . . The Diet would mean big changes in my lifestyle, I'm fearful of not having the power to stick with it, lol. . . I've been doing a bit of research and it is helpful yet completely overwhelming at the same time.
 

RE Update - Vlog

I planted my Tree!!

I want to say again how grateful I am for this community and the support I have been given! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, because it means a so much to me!!

I also want to say that if you do not see many posts from me over the next few months please do not be alarmed, lol. I'm just going through emotions that require more of *me* time!! More real *me*, not *me* on the computer contemplating all things infertility. I have to heal myself, and I can't continue to do things in the same way that I have in the past. I have been immersed in the world of infertility for so long that I need to regroup and figure out how I truly want to move forward, if I want to move forward. . . In order to do that I need feel better emotionally and physically. I need to support myself more instead of just shoving myself through each month mindlessly.

I'm not giving up on trying to conceive our little miracle, but I am stepping away for a while. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. I want to be happy when I turn 30. I was miserable turning 29, waiting to see if I was pregnant since we'd done IUI right before my Birthday. It failed. I failed. Emotionally it was the worst birthday I've ever had. It was fun and I was surrounded by my awesome friends, but I was numb inside and I hate that I have let infertility steal that from me. I have become such a hermit that I'm watching my life pass by, I miss my friends and I miss being happy. We need to save money, because I don't want to waste  money on ingectables with the severity of my Endo. If we are going to save money then I want to save for IVF. My doctor says I would be a great candidate because we know I "can" get pregnant and I have plenty of eggs. I feel a sense of relief knowing we are taking an extended break. *sigh* I have had thoughts of whether or not I even want to purse IVF. . . Maybe I'm ready to walk away and find peace with it all right now. I have been battling these thoughts very intensely as of late. I think if anything we'll always try no matter what, and if it happens well then so be it. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I can't deal with this my whole life. . . I'm gonna to need to dig really deep in order to understand where I need to go from here.

I'll still be around lurking about and reading your blogs and perhaps even commenting. I hope to see many bfp's in the future for all you ladies!! And I'll probably post randomly about my life. . . Who knows *sigh*

I took the first step in my healing process by planting a tree in my backyard to remember my Little Bean. And all of *this*. This - meaning all the shit that my husband and I have been through because of Infertility, all the pain, the hurt and for each of my losses that will never be. Had I not miscarried in November we would have brought home a baby this week :| It still breaks my heart. This tree is also my hope. Because I do still have a lot of hope!! I will watch it grow and change, and I will hope with each new leaf and each new inch that I will be that much closer to my goal. A baby. A life that will be a piece of both of us, a life to carry on after ours. I feel much peace after planting my tree. I buried beneath it a sonogram picture, a short note, that first pregnancy test and my hospital bracelet with the date it all happened. . . It feels as if I set a part of my self free. I feel good about that and ready to move on with finding myself again. . .  Much love to you all ♥

Thank you everyone!!

I just want to to say Thank you so much to everyone for your support and wonderful comments. You truly helped lift my spirits and I really can't express in the right words what that means to me. I was in a very dark place, but I am feeling better today and a little more like me. I'm planting my little tree tomorrow and hope that it will help bring even more peace my way. I'm scheduling a consult appointment with my RE so the Husband and I can sit and discuss where we go from here. . . 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your sweet, honest and supportive words ♥ 

IUI #3 = BFN Vlog

Sometimes I'm not very positive. . .

IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . .  I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. .  . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . .  I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.

Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.

Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|

I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . .

Feeling like crapola

Well Ladies I'm sick :| And not the "morning sickness" kinda sick. I have been attacked by some sort of virus or some sort of upper respiratory infection. I feel like dog poo, and it is my Husbands fault since he got sick first :| Monday I had a little cough, Monday night it started to get worse, I couldn't sleep last night and could feel my lungs burning each time I tried to cough. Ugggg. I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed over :( This is totally not the best time to get sick. *stomps feet and pouts*

Today I am 7 DPIUI and on CD 23. . . I really have no clue if this IUI worked or not. I'm afraid my pessimistic side has gained control of my thoughts as of right now. I've been very tearful, emotional, irritable or rather short tempered, but I haven't felt any of the signs I felt when I got pregnant with IUI in September. I wake up and the first thought on my waking mind is "Are my boobs sore??" Ugggg. I feel like a freak walking around grabbing my boobs throughout the day, lol. I feel frustrated that I'm unable turn that part of my brain off. I know I've said this before... So I'll just say it again.

I. HATE. THE. 2WW. HATE. IT.

I feel as though I got spoiled feeling all those symptoms so early on that first IUI... I'm finding it hard to remain positive right now. No to say that I can't find it within me, just that its kinda hard right now. I'm hoping my negativity is a sign of moodiness and hopefully a pregnancy symptom :) I don't know if it's because I'm sick and just feel so crappy, if it is just the fear of failure or if I'm just feeling sad about this upcoming week... My little Beans due date *sigh*. I didn't think it would really bother me, but having done this IUI I now feel soooo much emotion, so anxious, I feel like I want to hibernate for the next 7 days. . . :)

Sorry to be such a downer Ladies - we all have those days and today is mine! 

 IUI #3 CD 23 - 7 DPIUI Vlog

That time again - May ICLW

Welcome, May ICLWers!!

Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*

If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.

I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!

Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe. 

This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.

*fingers crossed*


 

IUI# 3 CD -12 Follicle check!

Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.

Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
 
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!

I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . .  I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.

I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???

I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope 

with all my heart that this is our lucky # 3 ♥

IUI # 3 Vlog

 

Hello hot-flashes and Goodbye Mothers Day!

I sat down yesterday and tried to write a post for Mothers Day, but it just wasn't in me.

I took my last dose of Letrozole yesterday, so I was definitely feeling emotional and slightly tearful at the tiniest things, I could also feel the hot flashes setting in, lol. They are no where near as bad as Clomid hot-flashes. Today is CD 8 and I'm already lost in thought when it comes to this 3rd IUI. I can't believe we are here again.

Come on Right Ovary. . . I will pull all of my hair out if you do not work with me  You can do this!!

Every year we host a Mothers Day Lunch at the Hotel I work for, so I was pretty busy and happily distracted throughout most of the day. I was glad to work. When I got to work it was still kind of quiet so I stepped outside and called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day!! She did raise me after all, and I own my life to that woman for taking me in when my own parents no longer wanted me. I then called my Mother and then my Mother In-law!! My Mom was dead asleep and Sheila didn't answer, so I wound up leaving a message. Making my rounds of Mother's Day calls this year was fairly painless. I worked, made my calls, watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives *sniff sniff*, and last but not least, the season finale of Survivor!! I was jumping back and forth for two hours trying to catch bits and pieces of each show, lol. I enjoyed myself and I'm so thankful, that I made it through in one piece!!

In all honesty - I tried not to think about it. . .  "It"  being Mothers Day. . .

I didn't think "how unfair" or say "I'm so sad" or "I hate this day" I just didn't think or speak about it as best as I possibly could. There were a few moments where I teared up looking at other peoples Facebook posts, pictures of flowers or pictures out to lunch with their little ones, but over all I survived the day, and I feel proud of myself!! I waited until I got home from work before sending out the mass "Happy Mothers Day!!" text to all my cousins and friends. For some reason it felt more difficult to send out that text, I'm not really sure why. I didn't have enough in me to send out personalized texts for each person, but hey at least I made the effort, right? 

Josh and I were catching up on a few shows when I sent out the Mothers Day text. . . He asked me if Mothers Day was hard for me. I was surprised that he asked and I told him "Kind of". I quickly spit out a few more words to let him know I was okay and trying not to let it bother me. In that moment, I could have broken down immedeatly and really, really cried, but I wanted him to see that I was strong, and that I'd be okay, because I was, it was just another day. I then mumbled that I was trying not to think about it, and the conversation was over. I felt happy that he asked me, that he acknowledged the fact that this day "might" be hard for me.

I was super surprised that my cousin Maddie text back with " You too, darling I love you". 

I cried. . . She was the only person other than Josh, that said anything to me about Mothers Day, acknowledged me, or even thought of me, it touched my heart in a way that I can't explain ♥ The tears I cried were short and sweet. It felt really nice knowing my cousin took a moment and realized that this day was hard for me and that it, is not always a day of celebration, but sometimes it is a day to mourn. And her simple text made all the difference in my day, and I love her so very much for that. It made me feel like all the pain in my heart was softened every so slightly, that everything I've been through has been real, and not just in my head. I may not be a Mother with a baby in my arms, but I have babies in my heart that I will never, ever get to hold. . . I was a Mother the moment I had to grieve the loss of life my husband and I created together *sigh*.

My heart wants to mother things more than anything in this world. When I was a kid and played "house" with my cousins, I was always the Mom. I've always wanted to be a Mother, always, deep down inside. I didn't get to grow up with my Mother, so I feel sometimes that I missed out on something very important in my life. I feel like having my own child will allow me a peek into a world I never understood. . . 

Happy Mothers Day to all of you awesome Moms ♥
 And . . .
Happy Mothers Day to all you Ladies in waiting ♥

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

 

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3

 

Ready for May!!

The break is almost over *wooohoooo* Today is April 26th, I'm on CD 26 and AF should be here this weekend*happy dance*. I love it when I get all kinds of excited that my period is on its way, lol. Only an infertile waiting to do treatment would be excited about AF. If I had not started my period on the 1st, I would not have even known what CD I am on, lol. I have not been keeping track this month and it has felt refreshing!

The break has been really nice and to my surprise very much needed *sigh*. Something I realized while on this break is that I've been such a freaking hermit over the past year. Even on this break I could barley get myself to blog or even read other blogs. I guess I really needed the alone time Uggg. Sometimes I want to slap my self and say "what's wrong with you". I did a few NIAW posts so that kinda got me out of my little blogging funk! I went out last weekend and saw some really good friends I'd not seen in at least 6 months, it was such a great feeling getting out of my house and to feel normal for a change :) They moved and live on the lake now, I didn't even know they moved, what a bad friend I've been. When I got there the sun was setting and it was simply breathtaking. I totally needed to see real beauty, beauty that I could breathe in. . . I also went out on Saturday with my Girls!! We went to the Main St Art's Festival... I may or may not have had a bit too much to drink, lol. I can't drink at all like I used to. I'll stick with my wine instead of Vodka. Vodka has seriously not touched my lips in a very, very long time, haha, it was worth it!!

Any-who I'm ready for IUI #3 - We can do this!! And, come on AF it is time to get this show on the road!