National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is “National Infertility Awareness Week”

The theme this year is #StartAsking

I’ve thought about this theme for several weeks and could not think of an appropriate question to #startasking. I was even contacted by resolve to make a video for my YouTube channel, and I never responded. I feel really crappy about that. So, I began pondering why I didn't respond in the first place. Why didn't I want to share my voice and be an advocate as I had in the past. 

What was wrong with me? 

Well, to be very honest, I felt stuck, and didn't know quite what to say. I also felt anxiety creeping in from my old days of infertility. A small part of me even felt as if I no longer belonged in the "Infertility world". I also felt incredibly overwhelmed with my busy life as a full-time working mom to three small children, and worried that I could not find the time to do it. 

I felt like “who was I" to talk about infertility now that I have children?

And then it hit me! 

Who am I?

How many others feel this same way and become silent again? 

How many want to speak out, but feel they have lost their voice or place in the big "IF" world?

How many just want to close that painful door and never look back?

So, I decided I would. . . 

#startasking mothers to continue being advocates

Who am I?

I'm a Mother to IVF twin boys, and a naturally conceived baby girl, but I am also a woman who suffered loss, painful defeat, deep heartache and emotional darkness, because of an awful disease called Infertility. My husband, my family and my amazing friends stood by my side supporting me through each broken dream and each crushed hope. My life is forever changed by my infertility, and I am unable to erase that part of me, ever. 

Infertility is woven into my soul and has molded me into the woman I am today. And, I must always remember that my children do not make me fertile, they make me a survivor!!

My question - #startasking mothers to continue being advocates, is not a jab at those who’ve made it to the other side successfully, but more of a nudge and a note to say - It’s okay to still relate to your infertile side once you’ve crossed over to motherhood. It’s okay to stand up to infertility if you are no longer fighting to have children or made the decision to not have children in your life, because having children after infertility does not erase the struggle. Its okay to be an advocate for something you survived or didn't. It's okay to still have a voice in a community you may not feel as connected to. 

I think a lot of woman who finally have a child, whether it be through medications, years of trying, IVF, surrogacy embryo adoption, egg donor, or even adoption; feel like they have a smaller voice after the fact. Maybe they feel their voice no longer counts, because they got that prize at the end of the twisted rainbow. 

I have felt like this at times, myself. . .

There is a certain type of unexplained guilt you feel becoming a mother after infertility. Maybe not everyone feels it, but I know that I did.

It was a kind of strange and lonely place to be at first. I felt so happy to finally be pregnant, but I also felt guilt for those who were still struggling. I also felt lonely, because It felt like a lot of woman who'd been there supporting me during my struggles had suddenly ran away to hid, and I don't blame them, because I was that person once, too. In order to protect your heart, you back away from the things that hurt you, and other peoples pregnancies can hurt. I know deep in my heart that they didn't back away out of spite or rudeness, but out of undeniable pain.

I did IVF at the same time as a good ttc friend. I found out mine worked and a week later she learned that hers didn't work. I felt absolutely crushed for her. I didn't even know how or what to say, except that I was sorry. I felt terrible for sharing my happy news during her dark moment, as though she would think I was rubbing it in, even though I knew she didn't think that. I felt sad, happy, and guilty all at the same time. She eventually went on to have a child through the amazing gift of egg donor, but I will never forget that feeling of guilt I felt during one of the happiest moments of my life.

There are many reasons why "post infertility Moms" stop being advocates and stop standing up. It's not because we think we are better or we no longer need the Infertility community for support, or that we no longer care about our fellow IF Sisters. You simply start a new journey, on your own and not everyone rides the wave with you, some people get left behind, others follow and swim beside you, and over time, you find yourself without your once tight community. Suddenly, you're a new a mother who has drifted so far from the shores of infertility that you don't know how to find your way back. A year may pass by and you want another child, so you find your way back, but it's different than it was the first time around. You are different... 

I think we need to remind mothers that their stories are still needed long after their babies are born, that they still have a place in the infertility world. Their stories of success after darkness give hope to those who are just starting to suspect they are infertile to those who are still wading though the deep trenches of heartache and uncertainty.  

Mothers are the advocates that the infertility world still needs and we must encourage them to continue to speak.

Don't Ignore - Yourself

Don't Ignore - Yourself 

I have already written one post for NIAW "National Infertility Awareness Week", but I felt inspired to write one more!! So many of you Ladies out there have written such amazing posts this week, and I am so happy to see everyone sharing their stories of hope, struggle and perseverance. Rock on!!!

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, so my left side tube is crappity crap-crap and we are only able to "ttc" every other month. Fun times I tell ya. . .

April was our month off this time around and it was the first month off in a long time that actually felt okay with it. I mean, I'm not going to lie and say I was perfectly okay with it. There was a part of me that was frustrated that we'd have to wait whole other month, uggg. After realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, well, I just had to get over it and move ahead with a smile on my face. I welcomed the stress free time ahead of me and the ability to have a few glasses of wine - yummm! During my break I realized just how depressed I'd been over the last several months. I was able to take a step back and see what I was doing. . . And that was ignoring myself! It is so easy to get wrapped up with infertility, timing, treatments and charting. So much that you lose sight of your self. Then months later you take a break, open your eyes and say, wow - What happened to the last few months?

Taking a month of TTC isn't always easy for a woman. Sometimes you're so ready to keep moving forward and you just know in your heart that this next month will be "the month".  It is so intense on ones emotions. Sometimes it is devastating when you get sidelined and are forced to take a break. Sometimes you lose your self in those months of waiting for things to get moving again and sometimes you are already lost before you start the journey, that was me.

I was lost for at least 5 years. . .living in silence, lost in my own sea of infertility sadness. I was completely alone, contemplating my future as not only a mother and parent, but as a woman living in a world full of mothers and babies. I still ask myself "If I don't have kids who will I be"? I still don't know the answer to that questions, but I'm more okay not having kids as long as I know I fought for it i some way. 

It is my own fault for living in silence, so I really can't blame anyone. I wasn't ready to hear peoples opinions about me trying to conceive a child, or about how young I was, whether we were ready or whether or not we should finish school first. And since nothing was happening I chose not to share it with anyone, because I didn't want to hear their comments or less than positive opinions bout my choices. I knew I was young, I knew that! But, I also knew I had female "issues" that had not been confirmed and that weighted heavily on my mind. I drank, lied to myself, I partied, I pretended to be okay with not getting pregnant right away, I told myself I didn't want kids, I tried to ignore what was going on and I was angry with my body for failing me, month after month, year after year.

I didn't even talk to my husband about how I felt, because I pretended as if nothing was wrong and so did he. We were afraid to talk about it, so it was easier to imagine a life without having kids. I guess, I thought If we didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. We both knew there was a problem, yet we were not ready to do anything about it. I don't think we were even 100 percent sure if we wanted kids anymore, either that or we just knew how difficult it was going to be, so we held off thinking about it until it bubbled to the surface of our lives.

And it did. . . One Summer, the Summer of 2010. It was finally time to talk about it and there was no stopping it. That Summer I lost it or rather, I found a part of my "fight" that had been buried for so long. When I realized that I really did want to fight well, that was it. I went to my girly Doctor, who I had also avoided for 5 years. Seriously. . . I was so upset about possibly being infertile that I chose not to see my girly doctor, because I was afraid I'd have to talk about it, it being my infertility. So yea, I didn't go for a papsmear for 5 years. I had an emotional breakdown and decided I wanted to see someone, so I finally called girly Doctor. When I went to that appointment I broke down, all the way. I cried and sobbed the entire time, it was uncontrollable and I could barley get out coherent words. I wept as if was mourning a part of me that died. I was so sad inside. She stood there quietly holding a box of tissues. She didn't even bother me with silly questions, she just let me have my cry and gave me options. . . I felt so embarrassed, and wondered how many woman like myself she's seen in the last month.

I left the appointment that day feeling a thousand pounds lighter and feeling like I found a part of my old self. I never knew how much pain I was in until I felt half of it taken off my shoulders. I left with a prescription for Zoloft (taken only during the 2 weeks before my period), an appointment for blood work and a Clomid consult. I can't explain to anyone how life changing that appointment was for me. I could no longer suffer alone, my body and mind would no longer allow me to Ignore Myself.

I still struggle with Infertility on a daily and monthly basis, yearly basis. It will always be with me, but infertility will never control me like it did, because I found a part of myself that is willing to fight!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org

You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

 

"Don't Ignore" The Pain of Infertility

It is "National Infertility Awareness Week" also know as "NIAW"

 April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement

 This is a week set aside to discus all things infertility - How we are affected, how those around us are affected, how we can be helped, how we can help each other, how we can make changes and. . .  how we cope. 

I'm 29 years old - I have Stage IV Endometriosis and have had 3 miscarriages. I have been TTC for 7 years, 5 years spent trying on our own, and the last 2 1/2 years have been with a doctor.

The Theme for this years NIAW is "Don't Ignore______". You are supposed to fill in the blank with something you'd like to tell people "Not to Ignore" about infertility. I have chosen Pain. . . I have felt deep pain due to infertility. I have felt a pain that echos throughout my heart, my soul and body. It is the type of pain that greets me in the morning with a cruel smile. It is like a companion I feel chained to, a companion I have grown tired of, and a companion that has changed my life completely. Sometimes I feel that Infertility has highjacked my life. It has only been recently that I have become more able to face it and accept it for what it is. I have suffered loss and that is hard to swallow at times, not only am I infertile, but I can't stay pregnant. Infertility is pain that is handed out in doses, it's not all at once, it stays with you and lingers. I realize that I may never have a child of my own, it is a very real outcome that I try not to think about too much, yet the reality of that truth haunts me at times. I have felt pain both physically and emotionally. It doesn't go away and it cant be rated on a scale of 1-10, because the pain vibrates out and touches family members, spouses and friends in totally different ways. . . it touches whole lives and has little mercy.

I had a "feeling" I was infertile in my early 20's. I chose to ignore my gut feelings, because of what society told me and how I was made to feel by doctors. "You are so young, don't you want to wait and take birth control in the meantime". I was young, and why would I want to have children so young when there is treatment available for later on when I was "really" ready? All I can say is treatment does not guarantee that you'll get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Don't ignore your gut feeling and don't ignore the pain.

I have done the following - Relaxed, Taken it easy, Prayed, Vacationed, Had surgery, Hoped, Peed on ovulation strips, Tracked my cycle, Taken my temperature, Use special lube for sex, Laid in awkward positions after sex, Eaten different foods around ovulation, IUI, Clomid, Letrozole, Taken Vitamins, Changed my Diet, Charted, Stopped smoking, Stopped Drinking, Cried, Pleaded, Crossed my fingers, Tried not to think about it, and I have propositioned God, or whatever God is listening.

I have already tried all of it and more. And, let me tell you. . .  it is an insult when you tell me "It is in Gods hands" or that it will happen when "God says it is time". . .

Infertility has changed my life in many ways, many ways I could never explain to you, because I can't seem to find the right words. If I could share anything with the wold it would be this - Please Do Not tell a woman to do all of these things I have already done, while she is trying to conceive especially if it has already been over a year or more. I can understand saying some of these things within the first 3-8 months of trying to conceive, because it can take a few tries. Once you hit that year mark it is pretty obvious that there is a problem somewhere. It it hurts deep inside when you hit that year mark, have no answers, and no funds to figure it out. People have no clue that your heart is suddenly thrown into a most fearful and tragic state of being. And with everyone around you saying that you need to relax, well it is a slap right in the face and a hard one too. . . So if we open up enough to tell you we are struggling don't use those types of comments when responding to us. We usually know you had the best intentions when you make those types of comments, we know that you were just trying to be kind and say something nice, because you probably just didn't know what to say. What you should say is that you are sorry things didn't work this cycle, and that you hope the next month will be successful and maybe, that you hope one day they are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that all their hard work pays off. That is truly the most neutral, kindest and honest statement you could say to any man or woman dealing with infertility. We know people don't necessarily understand what it is like to be infertile, but we know you are capable of opening your hearts to hear us, and that is what we need most of all. . . for those around us to listen, and not question. . . It seems a little scary for us to share things too, so don't be afraid to talk to us, and ask us what is going on in our "journey". We are used to most people not asking us what's going on, so your curiosity is sometimes a blessing in disguise, often allowing us to open up and release a little bit of our hurt that is bottled up inside. Talking about it makes it easier to deal with, and that is no lie.


And to all of the infertile woman out there right now - Don't ignore your own disease or your own feelings about the disease. Don't ignore your gut feelings. It is time to stop putting ourselves through so much torture, stop keeping it bottled up inside. We need to do our part and start opening our mouths to the world, make the people hear us, understand us. The world, everyday people and insurance agencies will not know we are in pain unless we tell them, show them or force them them understand. People around you will not know you are suffering unless you tell them. States will not know to cover Family reproduction aid, unless we tell them we need to the help, and if they don't listen, then make them listen. And, I don't mean just in this week. It is up to you to tell those around you when you are at your lowest, don't put on the fake smile and say your great, if someone is asking then tell them how you truly feel, or else how are they to know what you are dealing with? How are they to know that your heart was broken hours before you came into work because of another failed fertility treatment? Tell your friends when you hate the world, tell them when you feel jealous, and hurting, because you are so broken inside from dealing with infertility. Tell your family the truth about your struggles, tell them you've already had two losses and never shared it with them, because you didn't want to burden anyone with your pain and struggle. Tell your friends honestly that you don't want to go to that 3rd baby shower, because it is just too painful. Take time for your self and don't ignore your mental needs. "We" as infertile woman want to control how people see us while were dealing with infertility, we want people to think we are strong and we are, but we are also fragile and living on the edge of something so fierce, something so much bigger than ourselves. It is overwhelming at times, so Ladies - Stop trying to hold it all on your own shoulders, share your burden, your feelings, your hopes and your struggles. Do not be ashamed, we are Warriors. It is time to break the cycle of living in silence. It is completely up to us to change the way people, insurance agencies and the Government sees and treats Infertility. We must share our pain no matter how painful that is. Infertility affects 1 in 8. . . That is a lot people struggling, a lot of broken hearts, a lot of financially broken couples. . . and so much pain that isn't necessary. Don't  Ignore Infertility, because it wont ignore you!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org

You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)