I just want to to say Thank you so much to everyone for your support and wonderful comments. You truly helped lift my spirits and I really can't express in the right words what that means to me. I was in a very dark place, but I am feeling better today and a little more like me. I'm planting my little tree tomorrow and hope that it will help bring even more peace my way. I'm scheduling a consult appointment with my RE so the Husband and I can sit and discuss where we go from here. . .
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your sweet, honest and supportive words ♥
IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . . I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. . . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . . I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.
Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.
Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|
I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . .
Well Ladies I'm sick :| And not the "morning sickness" kinda sick. I have been attacked by some sort of virus or some sort of upper respiratory infection. I feel like dog poo, and it is my Husbands fault since he got sick first :| Monday I had a little cough, Monday night it started to get worse, I couldn't sleep last night and could feel my lungs burning each time I tried to cough. Ugggg. I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed over :(
This is totally not the best time to get sick. *stomps feet and pouts*
Today I am 7 DPIUI and on CD 23. . . I really have no clue if this IUI worked or not. I'm afraid my pessimistic side has gained control of my thoughts as of right now. I've been very tearful, emotional, irritable or rather short tempered, but I haven't felt any of the signs I felt when I got pregnant with IUI in September. I wake up and the first thought on my waking mind is "Are my boobs sore??" Ugggg. I feel like a freak walking around grabbing my boobs throughout the day, lol. I feel frustrated that I'm unable turn that part of my brain off. I know I've said this before... So I'll just say it again.
I. HATE. THE. 2WW. HATE. IT.
I feel as though I got spoiled feeling all those symptoms so early on that first IUI... I'm finding it hard to remain positive right now. No to say that I can't find it within me, just that its kinda hard right now. I'm hoping my negativity is a sign of moodiness and hopefully a pregnancy symptom :) I don't know if it's because I'm sick and just feel so crappy, if it is just the fear of failure or if I'm just feeling sad about this upcoming week... My little Beans due date *sigh*. I didn't think it would really bother me, but having done this IUI I now feel soooo much emotion, so anxious, I feel like I want to hibernate for the next 7 days. . . :)
Sorry to be such a downer Ladies - we all have those days and today is mine!
Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*
If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.
I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!
Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe.
This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.
Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.
Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!
I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . . I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.
I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???
I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope
I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!
AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!
It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.
I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .
I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her. I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the
Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . . Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my
tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...
Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why
does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies
that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*
I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :) I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.
I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.
On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a
storm in our area, I was out on my front patio videoing the weird
looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow
right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my
rainbow baby*
I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥
Thank you to everyone for the amazing support, comments, advice, sweet thoughts, crossed fingers, positive vibes and hugs that were sent my way - You all truly helped me get through this week of *infertility torture* - Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥
Since the *faint line* catastrophe, I've been living on the edge of my emotions, and my poor Pnut has been hiding in my shadows trying to avoid the *Crito Craziness* It has not been fun, nor easy, but I'm glad to get off this ride, at least for now.
Beta was Negative
I feel a huge amount of sadness, frustration, anger and best of all, relief!!!
*sigh*
The last few days have been emotionally torturous. Yes I know that sounds extremely dramatic, but it is the freaking truth. . . and anyone on the "IF" journey can attest to what I'm talking about. Waiting is draining. Investing your money and emotions is draining. Having it not work in the end is even more draining. Infertility alone is draining. Uggggg.
AF has not officially arrived, so I do not yet know where we go from here. We most likely won't be doing treatment for April since my left side is about as useful as a shredded up dollar bill. I will call the Fertility office when AF arrives and Dr. Laura and I will come up with a plan of action. I feel angry that this IUI didn't work, I feel like we put so much into it, errrrr. . . But I feel grateful that we will hopefully be able to do it again soon. The next time I will request a a trigger shot so that there is absolutely no confusion about my LH Surge, it will make me feel a lot better. I will also never buy the Walgreens brand blue dye/pregnancy tests... I will admit that if felt kinda nice to *think* I was pregnant for a day. Oh well. . . I'm going to enjoy April and try to not be such a hermit, I'm also going to have a huge glass of wine tonight, because not only do I deserve it, I need it more than you know.
Have a fabulous weekend everyone, and I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs, I've been a bad blogger and got behind this week. I plan to catch up on Sunday
I tested this morning after only sleeping for about 5 hours and it was negative :|
(insert the curse words of your choice here _____________ <---They've already been said)
I'm just going to wait until Sat or Sunday and test again. Maybe my initial gut feeling was right, maybe I'm just not pregnant, maybe others were right when they said the blue dye pregnancy tests are just evil and mock woman in their most desperate moments; stupid little faint line. Who knows?!?!
I've decided to *try* and be at peace with whatever the outcome is. There is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. *sigh* It is what it is
If it is negative this weekend then we'll just wait for AF, and try again in May. I can enjoy a hormone-free April :) I have to look at it positively, or else I'm going to lose my mind, lol and I don't have time for that crap. I feel a bit frustrated, but nothing like I did the other day. Thanks for all the super sweet comments. I was feeling down after taking the test and driving to work this morning, but seeing all your comments lifted my spirits a bit more and gave me a tiny boost in the "hope" department - Thanks everyone.
First off - Thank you all sooooo much for all the supportive and positive comments you left on my page yesterday and today. It means so much to me! I hate to be negative, but I had to get it out yesterday!!
Today is CD 26 and I am 12DPIUI
After my emotional freakout yesterday I decided I would test this morning after Josh went to work. And I did. I got a super, super faint line, so faint you can barely tell that it is there, so faint I feel like my brain might have made it up.
This pic is not the best, but it was the only one to actually show this *line* I speak of!
I'm obviously not convinced that it is a necessarily a positive test, so I'm definitely going to test again in the morning to see if it shows up again... OMG, omg, omg... I'm totally freaking out here. Please don't' let this be an Evap line, please, oh please don't let this be a joke. . .
The 2ww is not over and I've already lost my mind.
I feel totally un-pregnant :|
Not a single sore boob, nausea or anything. Uggggg Last time my body just knew, I felt so much at first... Right now all I feel is depressed and I'm crying and I feel frustrated... pretty sure it didn't work, I feel nothing except emotion.
I will test in a few days... I'm 11DPIUI and on CD 25. I hate these feelings. Last time I felt everything, maybe I did mess up the timing. Fuck me. I want to pull my effing hair out... *pulls hair out* *stomps foot*.
I'm so afraid of a negative test... All I can think is - there goes another chunk of money and crap we have to wait another month before we can try again.
What ever will be, will be...
Sorry for my rant - I'm sure will feel like a jack-ass if I am pregnant. *sigh*
I stepped outside this morning after the last of the storms passed through and I felt great as the sun peaked out from behind the clouds and said hello! I was in a horrible mood last night when I got off work. I just felt stressed and anxious about work and one of my employees calling out on a day that we had an event. I figured it all out, but it sent me into this unbreakable mood. Uggg. But... I woke up this morning feeling renewed so that makes me happy.
I am officially 5DPIUI - Eeek! I'm totally tying not to think about it. . . This morning I looked up at the sun and just smiled, I walked over to the apple blossom tree in my backyard and noticed that it bloom just days ago. I felt that it was a sign, hehe. The beginning of spring brings new life *sigh* I'm trying really hard not to have obsessive thoughts so instead I'm focusing on my Birthday this weekend in order to keep myself distracted - let's hope that it works!! Hahaha. I work for the rest of the week so that should also help things along. I hate 2WW's, but knowing it's a medicated cycle with IUI - gives me a great hope from within that maybe, just maybe we'll be blessed this time. It would be fabulous ♥
I never got around to doing my Vlog when we did the IUI so I did it this morning. Have a great day everyone!!
Happy St. Patrick's Day ♥ Like the warmth of the sun And the light of the day, May the luck of the Irish shine bright on your way.
Well I'm not drinking any green beer; however I am chilling on the couch watching "Sense and Sensibility". It is one of my favorite moves about love, plus I love period piece movies!
Sooooo... I am officially in the 2WW - Eeek!!
I had my LH surge on Thursday the 15th which was CD 14. I called Coral and she scheduled Josh for the ARTS lab at 8:30am and scheduled "Us" for the IUI at 9:40am on Friday the 16th! This time our IUI went super smooth! We were not crazy emotional like the last time. Josh and I woke up at about 7:15 and got ready, he was feeling pretty nervous and his stomach was in knots. We were quiet for most of the drive, but it was nice to not be fretting and filled with tension. Josh was nervous, so I let him settle into his own feelings and didn't bombard him with my ramblings, because that would certainty have made things a little prickly. I had not slept well the last two night leading up to the IUI - I was full of nervousness and it was keeping me awake. I was laying in bed wide awake so it sorta kept him tossing and turning. I think he just felt as nervous as me, lol. We were both pretty tired and his stomach never does well in the morning. Plus having to go into a little room and rub one out while your wife sits only about 10 feet away is enough to make any man feel nervous. Hahah, poor Josh.
After Josh gave a sample of his *swim-team* to the ARTS lab we went to the cafeteria and I had breakfast, Josh did not eat at all, lol. He was feeling MUCH better though, hehehe. We headed up the the Fertility office and luckily the wait was not very long :) The IUI went fairly smooth... It seemed to hurt a little more this time, my cervix seemed a bit sensitive, but hey if we get a baby out of this, then I don't care how much it hur. Josh got to do the actual IUI again!! *big smile* He was allowed to do it last time, so it made us feel good that he was able to do it again this time - Dr. Laura is so awesome to let him have that part. I can tell it made him feel very much a part of the whole IUI experience and it is good for him to have a part. I'm the one that takes all the meds, pee's on strips, and goes to all the appointments - so I'm really happy that he is able to feel like an integral part of this not so normal "baby making" process, hehe. I also feel blessed that he's not skiddish about this stuff. We may not talk about it in depth or dissect every detail together, but when it gets down to business he does not fail me ♥ The IUI was quick and we were out of there and on our way home... so smooth and so simple.
I do have to admit that yesterday I did not feel the ovulation pains like I did in September when we did the IUI, so in the back of my mind I was worried that maybe I'd messed up the timing. I woke up this morning for work at 6am and felt the ovulation pains on my right side, I could barley walk without feeling it. I was definitely ovulating and I kinda freaked out thinking that we did the IUI too soon. I called Coral this morning and she reassured me that everything would be fine that the "Dudes" would live up to 72 hours or more. I felt so much better and was able to go about my day without worrying about it. *evil grin* Hehehe - I got home from work at 3:30 and pounced Josh, lol It wasn't really that romantic, but we made sure that even if timing was off, we added a little *extra* to the swim team!! I feel really excited about this month! I hope this works, and I think its really neat that If I do get pregnant, then one day we can tell our child that they were conceived on St. Patrick's day, the day of Luck... Today is also Josh's Nanny's Birthday! I can't believe that it is done and over with... now we just wait. . .
So here I am Ladies. . . in my 2WW. . . only 2DPIUI. . . *sigh* Thank goodness my Birthday is weekend. I'm doing "Painting with a Twist" with a bunch of really great friends. That will definitely break up the 2WW!!
I hope everyone has a Great weekend!! Congrats to those who have recently received their BFP's and for everyone still waiting, hoping, working and fighting for your BFP's - I send you ((hugs)) and lots of luck on this lovely day ♥
I'm chilling on the couch with my sweet Roxy-baby, a blanket and the sound of rain *ahhhhh* Love it :)
I have been sniffing and sneezing all day - I'm a mess of snot.
Hahaha :)
I got sick this week :| "Poooo Creeeto" is what Josh would say, hehe. Dr Said it was strep and put me on an antibiotic, I'm on day 3 of a 6 day treatment. I went to the Doc Thursday morning and pretty much slept the entire day after getting home, and that is totally not me. Josh even pokes fun at me, because anytime I'm sick I never want to go lay in bed, I never want to nap or rest, I fight it so much. Hahaha. So yea, I slept all day and night Thursday, and ONLY after Josh persuaded me into going to bed, and even then I turned the TV on, lol. It wasn't long after that, that I had a little sippy sip of my special cough syrup and passed out. Josh was really sweet to check up on me and make me food *sigh*. I feel mostly better, no longer weak, and way less feverish, but now I have a super stuffed up nose and it wont stop running. Uggg,lol.
OoooOoo... I smell the cookies *evil grin*
I really hope this whole getting sick thing doesn't rain on my IUI parade i will be sooo pissed off. And... So far so good on that front - I do not feel pain from my left ovary so that is a good sign!! Last month I felt pain in my left ovary at least a week before ovulation. I guess I'm also really glad that I got sick before "O" time, and before my Birthday on the 25th :) I feel like I haven't let myself get that excited about this cycle :| Well, I guess I mean to say - I've not allowed myself to fantasize about it actually working. After canceling our IUI last month I'm trying to look at things with more day by day perspective so that I don't stress out thinking about it. Thinking about it wont change anything. Worrying about it wont change anything. We just have to do it and hope that it works! I feel good about this month and I'm trying to remain as positive as I can. Josh is excited too and that makes me feel more secure :)
Daylight savings time is tonight, well in the AM that is. I'm sad, I actually have to work in the morning at 7 am, Ugggg. I'm totally getting jipped on the whole sleep thing. Oh well...that's life right?!?
Follicle check on Monday *fingers crossed* for eggs on the right side!!
Our February "trying on our own" Cycle was a BFN. AF came on Friday and I could not have been more happy!! Obviously I was a little bummed that I didn't magically get pregnant on my own, but I'm really excited about this month so I'm not going to let myself feel negative! *Eeek*
I started taking Letrozole today so I'm sure I can expect the hot flashes to kick in tomorrow... at least they are not as bad as when I used to take Clomid, that was ridiculous! I'm already scheduled to go in on March 12th for a follicle check. I ovulated from the left side last month and Dr. Laura confirmed that on my baseline Friday. I went in on Friday CD 1, because Dr. Laura will be out next week. I wore my orange socks (I think they could be lucky, lol) Thank goodness AF came when she did. I would have been so upset if I could not make timing this month. Then we'd have to wait this month and another month just to get back on the right side - talk about frustrating. So... I should definitely ovulate from the right side this month *fingers crossed* that all goes according to plan :)
Does anyone taking Letrozole(Femara) notice loose joints? My hips and shoulders start to ache, and when I walk my hip joints feel like they might come unhinged... Hummm. It's not that bad just annoying more than anything since I'm on my feet for most of my day. Yesterday when I got to work I helped load up for the Bridal show and today my right wrist is soooo sore. Uggg. LOL Joint pain or what ever, I'll take it if that results in a successful IUI this month, lol. I'm ready and sooo excited to see what happens for us. I looked at timing and we may get to do our IUI on St. Patrick's day *sigh* that would be so awesome.
And if it works that would give us an early early December Baby, and early Christmas present *sigh*. My heart will have to survive on hope... pure hope and faith - that we are meant to be parents.
Have a great day Everyone!
Youtube Vlog!! IUI #2 / CD - 3 w/Letrozole (March)
Well Happy Leap Day, or year... or whatever it is. <-- Ya, that's about all I got for that. 30 Rock had a really funny episode last week about Leap Year, so if you want funny - go watch 30 Rock :)
Today is 13DPO. 13DPO!!! I do not feel pregnant. *stupid natural cycle* lol
I've had a few tiny symptoms, but nothing to write home about, lol. I have a pregnancy test mocking me on my dressing table and If I had to put money down it would be on a BFN. So I now face the decision that every infertile goes through each month that passes by and she hasn't fallen pregnant.
Do I test and get the heartache over now or wait for AF to show and get lost in a few days of that dreaded "what if I am" ball of crazy emotions crap?!?
I hate that feeling with a passion, so I'll probably test tomorrow morning at 14DPO and put a quick end to this 2WW. I could fool myself and say there is a chance and yes, there is, but sometimes your body just tells ya what tha eff is up, and I'd be beyond shocked if I got a BFP tomorrow morning. I almost can't even believe how much of a freaking drag this 2WW was for me, and how much I let myself get caught up in the "what if" part. And not only that - it was a freaking "on our own cycle" *goood lord* we haven't gotten pregnant "on our own" in 7 years...
I don't know what made me think it would magically work this time around, lol.
Hope get's our heart hurt sometimes. *giggle*
I got emotional about this cycle, or rather I have felt that way over the last few days. I'm sure it is because my body knows I'm not pregnant, and even though I'm cool with that; since we are going to be all set for a good IUI this month, my heart and brain still know that my body failed me once again this month. I could not get pregnant on my own. Uggg. It is okay, and I'm okay. Reminders of what my body doesn't do right make me angry, but after my anger somewhat subsides I want to try even harder. I know I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this cycle, but I was wrong and I did, and it has been emotionally intense. I've kept it mostly contained, lol and haven't let the crazy spew out for others to see, but it has been difficult.
I'll be glad when AF comes so we can get started on this March IUI, Eeeek!!! I'm ready... so freaking ready for this. Bring it on!! It will also be my Birthday month. *sigh* I'm already excited. Hence the reason I sound so bitter about getting excited during the 2ww of this natural cycle. Argggg. Our minds really do take us to strange places on this "IF" journey.
Love wise it was wonderful. I'm blessed with a fabulous Husband who cooks me amazing food ♥ We never got to have our picnic the other day, because it was freezing outside, but he cooked steak on the grill which was even better! All year I've bitched about not having a winter and then suddenly out of no where, she decided to stop being so damn shy. We'll do a picnic next month perhaps... maybe around my Birthday
Any-who. . .
Fertility wise - Yesterday sucked. I cried on my way home from work, uggg. I went to my appointment at 12:15 made it back to work by 1:20. Thankfully it was so busy that I didn't have time to be emotional about anything. So as soon as I got in the car to go home everything flooded my brain, and I cried a river in my car.
Let's just say I'll be getting another CA-125 test done, because the mass/blood sausage in my baby-making-oven is just too big for its own britches, meaning it is getting so large and awkward looking that surgery might have to happen anyway. Eeerrrrrrr. They want to make sure it has not turned into ovarian cancer, so they are doing the CA-125 test to make sure my numbers are about the same as last time. I was listed at 146 in May or June of last year which was high, but not super high. Normal numbers are around 25 - I think. We know the number will be high, because of my Endometriosis, so if it is about the same (146) we'll know that it is probably just the Endo going crazy. If the number goes really high they will send me to radiology and then an oncologist. I don't foresee any of that happening, I went through this once before so I'm not really worried. Woman with Endo have higher chances of ovarian cancer, so they just want to be extra cautious.
This month my left ovary decided it wanted all the attention. I have several really good sized follies on the left, and one egg on the right ovary. The left tube is sitting in a sac of standing blood. It is gross. It sucks. It makes me sooo mad. She said we still have a chance because of the egg on the right side, but didn't really recommend doing it, and who in their right mind would take that chance??? What a risk...how stupid and what a waste of money it would be. So we'll wait till next month as long as my CA-125 comes back ok. She said if we wanted to just try on our own this month that would be okay since I did take Letrozole, and we have one lone egg that could turn into a super egg... one can only hope, lol.
No IUI makes me a very unhappy, I've been looking forward to this for months... It was that carrot at the end of the stick that I was chasing. The thoughts of getting started again helped me get through the last several months of deep depression. I. effing. hate. waiting. And I. effing. hate. endo. - And, it is not like you can so oh, well we'll try tomorrow... No... no, it's a whole freaking month, and that doesn't even guarantee that my right ovary will work next month, we just have to hope.
I'm buying wine tonight...
I hope all of you Ladies had a great Valentines Day!!!
And... because I'm pretty sure it is socially unacceptable to get trashed before work at 10:30 in the morning - I'm going to go work out in hopes that it will free my mind ♥
Today is my Friday, like actually "My" Friday, meaning I'm off for the weekend!!! I haven't been off for a weekend in a long time. I mean yes, I was off for Vegas, but that doesn't count. Working in the Hotel Industry is a bit tricky. You're never off when normal people are off, you almost always cover the Holidays, and the weekends. I'm grateful for my Job and I love it, but sometimes it's a beat-down, hahaha. I've worked the last 11 days in a row, and before that I only had one day off... So needless to say it's been a very busy last month and I really don't see it slowing down anytime soon.
Josh and I are planning a picnic by the river tomorrow as our Valentines Day Celebration (somehow we got lucky and are both off Sat & Sunday). I'm pretty excited ♥ I just hope the weather cooperates - lol.
I'm going in on Valentines Day for a CD 12 - Follicle Check!!
Eeeek :)
I'm pretty certain we'll be doing the IUI!! I just took my last two pills of Letrozole today - the hot flashes are starting to kick in. . . And I can totally feel my right ovary getting bigger!! Yay :)
I also want to give a big shout-out & congratulations to "Our Journey Through This Lovely Life" for getting her long awaited BFP!!!! So excited for you ♥
Yesterday was 3 months since our loss... I would be about 24 weeks right now... We would have been cleaning out that room and making a nursery...
*sigh*
I'm a fan of a page on Facebook called Infertility Awareness and I jacked a few quotes from the page!!!
Each day I see them, they make me a little more stronger :)
Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. –Alphonse de Lamartine (1790-1869)
Courage is being afraid and going on the journey anyhow. – John Wayne
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. –Chinese Proverb
Just like the night before CD 1, I cried and sobbed Sunday night after Josh went to bed. I thought I'd gotten all my crying out during my "wine-cry-fest" days earlier, but I guess I had some leftover emotions still lingering. I didn't have wine this time around - I just cried and went to bed. I was so nervous about the baseline. It is a make or break kind of appointment if you know what I mean, so it was really difficult to sleep.
I was super excited to see Jenica, the office manager of the Fertility office. Jenica did IVF in December and got pregnant!! It was great to see her - She had that special kind of glow about her :)
It was weird driving into the parking garage. I have to admit that it made me feel a little sick to my stomach at first, but as soon as I walked in the door of the Fertility office I was greeted by Jenica's big smile *sigh* and that settled my nerves. There was a couple waiting in the lobby area, and it made me think back to the day Josh and I first visited the RE office. We were so nervous and hopeful. We were newbs, lol
I got weighed in, poked with needles, had my blood stolen, and then I was sent to that room... The room where everything fell apart in November. If those walls could tell stories... It was the room where we learned our little bean had died *sigh*. It was a little difficult, but I survived.
Dr. L came in with a bright smile on her face and gave me a big hug. I also got hugged by Coral which was really, really nice <3, they are all so wonderful! Dr. L asked me how I was doing, how I handled the last few months, how Josh was doing, and if I was having any pain. I told her I was doing much better, that I cried a lot in Nov and Dec, and that I was really angry during the month of January. She listened to everything, and was very empathetic to the things I was feeling and saying, I didn't feel rushed - Best RE ever!!! I told her that I'd been having a lot of pain in my right hip, and asked her if it was because of the Endo. She said probably, but we could not be certain.
I asked her if I should do anything different this time around... I've had people suggest that I take baby aspirin, She said absolutely not!! It has not been proven to really make a difference, and that it would be best not to add anything to our cycle. I felt better. So many people want to tell you what you should do the next time around, and it's a little frustrating sometimes, because even though you know you're doing everything you can, it still makes you feel like your not doing something right. lol
She started the ultrasound and went after my left side first. I could feel immediately that something was off when she started the internal ultrasound. As she moved the wand to the left it made me jump. It hurt. Great :| On the screen we could see that my Endometrioma (cyst) was back, right along with the blood sausage covering my left fallopian tube. :( Freaking wonderful... Errrrr *stomps feet*
I have stayed on Birth Control since the miscarriage to keep the Endo from going crazy, and it looks as though it did not help me. Stupid...stupid...stupid - Endo *angry eyes*.
We could see all the baby eggs on each of my ovaries, so that's a plus!! We decided that we'll go ahead with the IUI, but my chances of having an ectopic pregnancy is much, much higher now. Errrr. I picked up the Letrozole and started taking it last night. I will take 2.5 mg of the Letrozole, two pills each for 5 days, and because of the cyst I'm going to go in around CD 11 or CD 12, for a follicle check. By that time we'll be able to see which ovary is developing the eggs, she will be able to check the sizes of the follies, so this will be really helpful. If it is the left side that's pumping out eggs, then we'll hold off, and try next month when my right side goes.
Dr. L, is concerned because of my left side, and I'm totally pissed off at my left side. Why does my body have to betray me like this?? It is not fair. I cried on my way back to work yesterday. I was not expecting that my Endo would have grown back so quickly. I am grateful to move on with the IUI, but I felt defeated. I felt like the surgery I just had in July, was useless. . . She hinted at IVF. I asked her if IVF would really be an option considering our problem is staying pregnant. Dr. L said that IVF definitely gives us a better chance, because they are picking the absolute best egg... They grow them for about 5 days and then transfer, so they have the ability to get rid of the ones that will eventually not make it.
So much to think about. . . I'm hoping we get lucky, and that the IUI works again. I will start monitoring my LH surge this Sunday with OPK's, and The hubs and I will do our BD every other day...
I also bought Pre-Seed for the first time ever, 23 bucks for lube - Hahahaha. "Honey, this ain't yo grandma's lube", bawhahahha. Has anyone else used it?? Has anyone had luck with it?? I hope it helps!! Please Wish us luck, and pray that Letrozole does not turn me into a crazy woman, lol!!
Today is February 3rd and officially CD 1!! *Happy Dance and a Booty shake*
I always have to laugh at myself when I get overly excited that AF is coming to town!
♥♥♥
CD-1 should have been yesterday, but AF decided to take her sweet time and arrived late last night. All day I could tell she was coming. I was in a crap-tastic mood, I was cramping, and I was stuck in the normal "auto pilot-period brain". It also seemed as if all I could think about was the miscarriage in Nov :| I kept reliving all the details in my head as if it happened yesterday. I felt so much emotion creeping in that after Josh went to bed I poured a big glass of wine and sobbed like a baby. I realized after crying last night, that I had not cried much throughout January. November & December were so very hard to get through. January was full of anger and frustration. You could say that I was living in a very dark place, yet trying to be normal.
So yea, I was a hot mess last night.
This morning when I woke up I felt lighter than I had the night before. I got out of bed, looked at my self in the mirror and actually smiled a big happy smile. I felt like I had not even done that in a while, or at least if I had it was one of those pretend fake smiles... Today was the real deal.
I called my RE office this morning and spoke with Coral! She sounded happy to hear my voice, which made me feel a little special. I'm scheduled to go into the office on Monday morning at 10:00 am for my baseline ultrasound. Eeeek!!! As long as my uterine lining and ovary's look good, I'll pick up the Letrozole and we'll be on our way to IUI #2 sometime around Valentines Day :) If all goes well, we'll know by the end of the month if it worked. *gulp* *sigh* I'm so nervous, but I will happily welcome the hot flashes and mood swings if we get a baby out of all this!
