Happy Easter!

Happy Easter from, Armor and Ronin!!

 

Saying goodbye to 2012 with a smile!!

Happy New Year to all my fabulous Family, Friends and Followers ♥ 

I hope this New Year brings you all an overabundance of happiness, love and laughter. And most of all - I hope that 2013 brings a few long awaited BFP's to the TTC community :) Josh and I rang in the New Year with some good friends and a few strong drinks. This is basically our last hurrah, last party, last drunken night for a long while!! There will be no more beer, wine, soda or fast food for us in the new year, lol. Being healthy for IVF is our main focus!!!

Personally, I'm grateful 2012 has finally ended. The only thing about 2012 I care to say is this - I had the best summer in 2012, ever!! Better than I have had in years. Seriously, it was the best. I spent so much time with friends and making new freckles that I almost forgot that I was living the life of an infertile, lol  :)

Other than that, 2012 can suck it for all I care. Hehehe. I'd go back and sift through all the gory details, but I think I can do without reliving the relentless depression, festering anger, deep-rooted sadness and complete loss of hope. Don't get me wrong. . . it could have been worse, much worse. . . and there were definitely some great memories mixed in there. . . but still - 2012 sucked a big one.

Now it is 2013 and that means a fresh start, a new year and a new life canvas to paint - Today I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of hope and motivation!! And I finally started taking my vitamins, again :) Josh took his too!! We will get back into our routine and it will be fabulous, it's breaking all the bad habits that will be hard, lol. I started taking down all of my Christmas decor yesterday *sigh*, just getting the house back in order feels great! I'm about to paint a beautiful tree on the teal wall in the front living room. Eeeek! I'm really excited about it. It will be similar to the tree I painted in my bathroom in September of 2011. I wanted to start the tree before Christmas, but once I put my tree up, I knew there was no way I'd paint the wall until after it was all over. I will post pictures when I'm done with it. Any-who that's about it my peeps. I am going to try and catch up on all my Blogging friends this week. I feel so out of the loop on all of your journey's and lives, ugggg. I've got a lot of reading to do.

Oh and if you will. . . A dear friend of mine had to say goodbye to his Mother who was fighting a battle with Melanoma Skin Cancer on New Years Eve morning. . . He is young, under 25, she was young and in the prime of her life . . . He was very close and she was taken far too early, if you are the type that prays, please pray that he will have enough strength to make it through the coming weeks and months ahead. . . It's terribly tragic and makes my heart feel heavy for him . I mean, it is sad when anyone passes away, but when they are older you kind of understand that it is something that will happen, eventually. When they are in the middle of their life, it is tragic. . . and beyond unfair. Like I said, please keep Sean in your thoughts.

This post was brought to you by Pinot Noir

Here I sit. . . cozy on the couch., in my comfy cloths, in my usual spot with my usual Fall colored throw that Josh absolutely hates, lol. He has every right to hate it. Haha.  I got it on sale a year ago, I'd been eying if for a few weeks. The colors were so beautiful - rust and olive green chocolate browns with a few golden strands here and there, that kinda thing. Well. . . The stupid throw sheds worst than my dogs :| So, yea. . . here I sit, snug as a bug watching the movie "Andre". Sometimes I get these nostalgic feelings and pine to watch movies I loved as a child, or rather young person. . . Did I mention that I'm drinking Pinot Noir? Did I also mention that I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Is it sad to say I was a little lazy and didn't want to get up to get a glass?? My excuse is that I drank half the bottle a few days back and since I know I'll finish the rest tonight, a glass. . . is not needed :) Pure logic I tell ya, pure logic. I'm quite happy right now if that means anything!!

I feel like the last part of this year is flying by. . . Like, seriously, wtf?!?  Does anyone else feel this way. I feel like I might say this every year, but  I swear this year if feels even faster. Hummm. Thanksgiving is in two days and it does not feel like Thanksgiving just yet. Mother Nature is late for the Fall party. . .  crazy bitch. I'm ready for some cold weather!!

(side note - So, Mr. Pnut and I have been watching Fringe (love!!) and Joshua Jackson playes Peter, well I'm watching Andre, the movie about the seal, and Joshua Jackson is in it as a little kid, loooooooollololol. I'm giggiling over here)

Okay, so back to how freaking fast time is flying by. (Side pic - Josh and I dressed as Zombies for a Halloween Party this year) I have to say I'm sadly disappointed that I haven't seen more craziness happening in the news about Dec 21st, 2012. (Pinot Noir makes me sarcastic). I thought for sure there would be large groups of people freaking out right about now. . . Tomorrow will make it a month till dooms day. Hahahha. I remember last year and the year before last when I was in the trenches of ttc. . . I felt this indescribable need to get pregnant fast so that I could get pregnant and have a baby before the world ended. wtf?? Is wrong with me? I don't know why I felt that way... but this tiny little voice in the back of my head would say "well, what if something really does happen" Nothing like feeling and hearing the ticking countdown of imaginary impending doom.  I don't really think the world is going to end, but you know. . . I'm infertile, I have irrational thoughts from time to time. On an infertility note, I'm doing well :) Still on Birth Control, still having Endo pain :| But doing well over all!! November was a little hard, as it was a year since our last loss, the one that ripped my heart out, yea . . . that one. It was hard, I actually cried on that day. . . it felt nice *sigh*. I'm strong. . . I'm ready. . . for IVF. Eeeek!!

I'm really excited for the new year to come. Eeek! Lots of things to come and I can't wait.

Well, peeps. . . This is totally just a rambling, wine induced post, so I will end here and say goodnight. I hope you are all doing well and soon I will return to blogger full time - xoxoxo

 

Hello hot-flashes and Goodbye Mothers Day!

I sat down yesterday and tried to write a post for Mothers Day, but it just wasn't in me.

I took my last dose of Letrozole yesterday, so I was definitely feeling emotional and slightly tearful at the tiniest things, I could also feel the hot flashes setting in, lol. They are no where near as bad as Clomid hot-flashes. Today is CD 8 and I'm already lost in thought when it comes to this 3rd IUI. I can't believe we are here again.

Come on Right Ovary. . . I will pull all of my hair out if you do not work with me  You can do this!!

Every year we host a Mothers Day Lunch at the Hotel I work for, so I was pretty busy and happily distracted throughout most of the day. I was glad to work. When I got to work it was still kind of quiet so I stepped outside and called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day!! She did raise me after all, and I own my life to that woman for taking me in when my own parents no longer wanted me. I then called my Mother and then my Mother In-law!! My Mom was dead asleep and Sheila didn't answer, so I wound up leaving a message. Making my rounds of Mother's Day calls this year was fairly painless. I worked, made my calls, watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives *sniff sniff*, and last but not least, the season finale of Survivor!! I was jumping back and forth for two hours trying to catch bits and pieces of each show, lol. I enjoyed myself and I'm so thankful, that I made it through in one piece!!

In all honesty - I tried not to think about it. . .  "It"  being Mothers Day. . .

I didn't think "how unfair" or say "I'm so sad" or "I hate this day" I just didn't think or speak about it as best as I possibly could. There were a few moments where I teared up looking at other peoples Facebook posts, pictures of flowers or pictures out to lunch with their little ones, but over all I survived the day, and I feel proud of myself!! I waited until I got home from work before sending out the mass "Happy Mothers Day!!" text to all my cousins and friends. For some reason it felt more difficult to send out that text, I'm not really sure why. I didn't have enough in me to send out personalized texts for each person, but hey at least I made the effort, right? 

Josh and I were catching up on a few shows when I sent out the Mothers Day text. . . He asked me if Mothers Day was hard for me. I was surprised that he asked and I told him "Kind of". I quickly spit out a few more words to let him know I was okay and trying not to let it bother me. In that moment, I could have broken down immedeatly and really, really cried, but I wanted him to see that I was strong, and that I'd be okay, because I was, it was just another day. I then mumbled that I was trying not to think about it, and the conversation was over. I felt happy that he asked me, that he acknowledged the fact that this day "might" be hard for me.

I was super surprised that my cousin Maddie text back with " You too, darling I love you". 

I cried. . . She was the only person other than Josh, that said anything to me about Mothers Day, acknowledged me, or even thought of me, it touched my heart in a way that I can't explain ♥ The tears I cried were short and sweet. It felt really nice knowing my cousin took a moment and realized that this day was hard for me and that it, is not always a day of celebration, but sometimes it is a day to mourn. And her simple text made all the difference in my day, and I love her so very much for that. It made me feel like all the pain in my heart was softened every so slightly, that everything I've been through has been real, and not just in my head. I may not be a Mother with a baby in my arms, but I have babies in my heart that I will never, ever get to hold. . . I was a Mother the moment I had to grieve the loss of life my husband and I created together *sigh*.

My heart wants to mother things more than anything in this world. When I was a kid and played "house" with my cousins, I was always the Mom. I've always wanted to be a Mother, always, deep down inside. I didn't get to grow up with my Mother, so I feel sometimes that I missed out on something very important in my life. I feel like having my own child will allow me a peek into a world I never understood. . . 

Happy Mothers Day to all of you awesome Moms ♥
 And . . .
Happy Mothers Day to all you Ladies in waiting ♥

April Fools Day 2012

AF arrived today - Happy April fools Day, sorry your IUI failed. Haha :)

April first is never really a great day for me or at least it hasn't proven so over the last few years lol. Last year I remember going in on April 1st, it was CD 3 and my first baseline for what was supposed to be my first IUI, I felt on top of the world, only we found a huge cyst on my left ovary, so that threw a major roadblock in our path and I was crushed in an instant. it did lead to my surgery which was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

I'm going to call the fertility office in the morning and let my Doctor know that my period arrived and see if she has any suggestions for this month, or just let her know we're taking a month break :) I already feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me, and I feel good about not doing anything this month!! I need a girls night out on the town, and not being on meds or having to time things will make a night out much more enjoyable, plus getting to have an normal sex life for a month sounds pretty amazing - no stress, is my kinda thing!!

We ripped out the carpet in our back living room today and if felt great!! I feel as thought I released a lot of residual anger from this failed cycle, Plus the Pnut and I make a great team ♥ Have a Great week everyone!!

After ripping the carpet out I needed yet another project to keep me occupied, so I made a slide show video form our Vegas trip pictures!!

Happy St. Patricks Day & Happy IUI ♥

Happy St. Patrick's Day
♥
Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.

Well I'm not drinking any green beer; however I am chilling on the couch watching "Sense and Sensibility". It is one of my favorite moves about love, plus I love period piece movies!

Sooooo... I am officially in the 2WW - Eeek!!

I had my LH surge on Thursday the 15th which was CD 14. I called Coral and she scheduled Josh for the ARTS lab at 8:30am and scheduled "Us" for the IUI at 9:40am on Friday the 16th! This time our IUI went super smooth! We were not crazy emotional like the last time. Josh and I woke up at about 7:15 and got ready, he was feeling pretty nervous and his stomach was in knots. We were quiet for most of the drive, but it was nice to not be fretting and filled with tension. Josh was nervous, so I let him settle into his own feelings and didn't bombard him with my ramblings, because that would certainty have made things a little prickly. I had not slept well the last two night leading up to the IUI - I was full of nervousness and it was keeping me awake. I was laying in bed wide awake so it sorta kept him tossing and turning. I think he just felt as nervous as me, lol. We were both pretty tired and his stomach never does well in the morning. Plus having to go into a little room and rub one out while your wife sits only about 10 feet away is enough to make any man feel nervous. Hahah, poor Josh.



After Josh gave a sample of his *swim-team* to the ARTS lab we went to the cafeteria and I had breakfast, Josh did not eat at all, lol. He was feeling MUCH better though, hehehe. We headed up the the Fertility office and luckily the wait was not very long :) The IUI went fairly smooth... It seemed to hurt a little more this time, my cervix seemed a bit sensitive, but hey if we get a baby out of this, then I don't care how much it hur. Josh got to do the actual IUI again!! *big smile* He was allowed to do it last time, so it made us feel good that he was able to do it again this time - Dr. Laura is so awesome to let him have that part. I can tell it made him feel very much a part of the whole IUI experience and it is good for him to have a part. I'm the one that takes all the meds, pee's on strips, and goes to all the appointments - so I'm really happy that he is able to feel like an integral part of this not so normal "baby making" process, hehe. I also feel blessed that he's not skiddish about this stuff. We may not talk about it in depth or dissect every detail together, but when it gets down to business he does not fail me ♥ The IUI was quick and we were out of there and on our way home... so smooth and so simple.




I do have to admit that yesterday I did not feel the ovulation pains like I did in September when we did the IUI, so in the back of my mind I was worried that maybe I'd messed up the timing. I woke up this morning for work at 6am and felt the ovulation pains on my right side, I could barley walk without feeling it. I was definitely ovulating and I kinda freaked out thinking that we did the IUI too soon. I called Coral this morning and she reassured me that everything would be fine that the "Dudes" would live up to 72 hours or more. I felt so much better and was able to go about my day without worrying about it. *evil grin* Hehehe - I got home from work at 3:30 and pounced Josh, lol It wasn't really that romantic, but we made sure that even if timing was off, we added a little *extra* to the swim team!! I feel really excited about this month! I hope this works, and I think its really neat that If I do get pregnant, then one day we can tell our child that they were conceived on St. Patrick's day, the day of Luck... Today is also Josh's Nanny's Birthday! I can't believe that it is done and over with... now we just wait. . .

So here I am Ladies. . . in my 2WW. . . only 2DPIUI. . . *sigh* Thank goodness my Birthday is weekend. I'm doing "Painting with a Twist" with a bunch of really great friends. That will definitely break up the 2WW!!

I hope everyone has a Great weekend!! Congrats to those who have recently received their BFP's and for everyone still waiting, hoping, working and fighting for your BFP's - I send you ((hugs)) and lots of luck on this lovely day ♥

Dear, 2011. . .

Dear 2011, I will admit that you offered a few blessings in disguise, but overall you were unkind, unfair, and a little too tricky for me! - How rude!! I'm glad we're breaking up. I welcome 2012 with a hopeful yet cautious heart ♥ and I am ready for Blessings even if I have to fight to receive them.

I want to also wish all of my Family and Friends a blessed New Year full of Happiness, Laughter, Love, Strength, Hugs, Kisses, Smiles, and most of all - Good Health ♥

I hope you enjoy the picture of my Daisy-Doo bringing in the New Year!!

Christmas treats for all ♥

My super sweet Pnut, and I made Christmas treats for everyone this year!!

We are saving all of our funds for Vegas and Fertility costs, so our Christmas gift to our families,were sweet yummy things!! Hanging around the house all day with my husband making yummy things was quite a lot of fun - We make a good team ♥

Feeling un-Halloweeny

Halloween is days away, and this is the first year in a very long time that I could care less about it :| Halloween is my all-time favorite festive day of the year :( How depressing am I, lol. Josh, and I dressed the dogs up in costumes the other day, it put a smile on my face! I decorated a pumpkin several weeks back with Anna, but that's the extent of my Halloween-ness this year. I'm such a Debbie-Downer. Humph...




So, the waiting continues. . . no news is good news, I guess.

I've been okay maintaining my thoughts and feelings. I've still been avoiding all my friends, phone calls and such. I'm sorry for this but, it's just to hard to casually talk about right now. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity Errrr. Yesterday, I woke up pissed off, angry, sad, depressed, and anxious. . . I felt so much emotion, that it was impossible to get away from, I just had to feel it, every effing ounce of it, no escape. I was depressed all day, cried before work, made it through work, cried the entire way home, and then some more at home with Josh. I really don't know how I'd make it without him ♥

On a side note...

I have a spot on my butt cheek the size of a nickle, a spot on my toe, and a small spot on my nose that are strange, flaky, red, itchy, and not bug bites bites. They don't seem to be going away, or getting better. These did not show up until the last few weeks. Several years ago I had a spot on my skin that would not go away and my dermatologist said it was Morphea, which is also known as localized lupus. With the sudden appearance of these new spots, I did a little investigating online, and I am curious if these new spots have anything to do with Lupus. I've never thought I had it before, never asked, never really knew much about it, but I think I may ask Dr. Laura what she thinks. It's odd that they would just now show up, during such a stressful time.

Someone can just shoot me now, so I'll stop freaking out about stupid crap... I really wouldn't mind, hahaha.

Happy Halloween Everyone!