Well..no September baby for me :(
Clomid was worth a try but now it's time to see the RE.
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clomid. Show all posts
23 January, 2011
23 December, 2010
Sometimes all you need is a good long cry.
I feel so much better this morning.. *sigh*
Yesterday was a very emotionally difficult day. I cried all the way home from work..my radio is on the outs so it was silent and I knew that the flood gates would just open as soon as I shut the car door. I dried up a bit before going inside..Josh was very sweet. I love him for that! He didn't bombard me with silly words like "it will happen when it happens" or " If it's meant to be" He just simply sat there and looked at me with soft eyes and let me cry. He came over and hugged me and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder.. That was exactly what I needed from him and nothing more. We really are in tune with one another in moments where we are our weakest. I watched a movie and made a 1am trip to wal-mart. Luckily it wasn't that crowded...considering its only two days away from Christmas. After that...my tears were pretty much dried up for the day. I went to bed late and got up around ten this morning. I called my doctor to let them know I started my cycle...boooo!! I always talk to my doctors nurse, Susan..she is a very sweet woman. She herself went through years of fertility treatment and now has a little boy..so she definitely understands all the things I'm feeling right now and its comforting to talk with someone who has been through it. They are going to let me do a few more months of Clomid. I asked her if it was a waste of time to continue with the Clomid. She looked over Josh's swim team analysis. He has a 95.5 million sperm, he has strong concentration 75 million, and 45% motility which has to be 25% or higher, she listed other levels which were all good too but I can't remember them all..so everything but the Morphology is good it's only 2% and should be at least 4% or higher. With such a high count of total sperm even with just a 2% morph..that should still give him at least a few million good ones. I have been ovulating great this whole time and my progesterone levels have been really high 26 last month and 16 this month so that is really good. So after talking with her I decided to go ahead and do a couple more rounds of the Clomid. Last night I was over it and ready to throw the towel in and run away scared so this morning I felt good asking her to go ahead and call the prescription in. After a month or two they will write up the referral for the Reproduction Endocrinologist. I think we would have more luck doing the IUI. We'll see..she told me when I see the RE they will do some pretty extensive testing. So we may also discover another reason why we're not getting pregnant. *Sigh* what a bumpy journey we are on. I have to work today and then I'm off for Christmas Eve and Christmas day..thank the Gods! lol
Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you are all blessed with a fabulous New Year..so hard to believe its going to be 2011.
Yesterday was a very emotionally difficult day. I cried all the way home from work..my radio is on the outs so it was silent and I knew that the flood gates would just open as soon as I shut the car door. I dried up a bit before going inside..Josh was very sweet. I love him for that! He didn't bombard me with silly words like "it will happen when it happens" or " If it's meant to be" He just simply sat there and looked at me with soft eyes and let me cry. He came over and hugged me and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder.. That was exactly what I needed from him and nothing more. We really are in tune with one another in moments where we are our weakest. I watched a movie and made a 1am trip to wal-mart. Luckily it wasn't that crowded...considering its only two days away from Christmas. After that...my tears were pretty much dried up for the day. I went to bed late and got up around ten this morning. I called my doctor to let them know I started my cycle...boooo!! I always talk to my doctors nurse, Susan..she is a very sweet woman. She herself went through years of fertility treatment and now has a little boy..so she definitely understands all the things I'm feeling right now and its comforting to talk with someone who has been through it. They are going to let me do a few more months of Clomid. I asked her if it was a waste of time to continue with the Clomid. She looked over Josh's swim team analysis. He has a 95.5 million sperm, he has strong concentration 75 million, and 45% motility which has to be 25% or higher, she listed other levels which were all good too but I can't remember them all..so everything but the Morphology is good it's only 2% and should be at least 4% or higher. With such a high count of total sperm even with just a 2% morph..that should still give him at least a few million good ones. I have been ovulating great this whole time and my progesterone levels have been really high 26 last month and 16 this month so that is really good. So after talking with her I decided to go ahead and do a couple more rounds of the Clomid. Last night I was over it and ready to throw the towel in and run away scared so this morning I felt good asking her to go ahead and call the prescription in. After a month or two they will write up the referral for the Reproduction Endocrinologist. I think we would have more luck doing the IUI. We'll see..she told me when I see the RE they will do some pretty extensive testing. So we may also discover another reason why we're not getting pregnant. *Sigh* what a bumpy journey we are on. I have to work today and then I'm off for Christmas Eve and Christmas day..thank the Gods! lol
Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you are all blessed with a fabulous New Year..so hard to believe its going to be 2011.
22 December, 2010
Crushed..
Clomid was definitely not the miracle drug for us :( I was really hoping this month would have been it for us… I figured it would have made the most wonderful Christmas present. But instead I sit here with tears in my eye’s wondering if this will ever happen for us. I’m angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated..and a little broken inside. I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test and it was a BFN. I immediately went back to bed, and then got up in the most depressed mood and then the cramps started. So…no bun in the oven for us this time. My heart feels extremely heavy and every time I think of it my eye’s start to tear up, it crushes my heart every time. I’m at work currently and just wish I could go cry in the bathroom until it’s time to go home. I will probably cry the entire way home. I will feel better when I can just cry it all out… I’m glad I found out today rather then Christmas day…that was my original plan…to take the test on that day. I decided today that I’d rather be depressed before Christmas not on that day. I’m mad and sad…and frustrated…that I had to deal with all those stupid hot flashes for nothing…ugh! I hate this. I’m tried of people saying “be patient, it will happen when it happens” It’s so easy for women who already have babies to say that. I know it’s not their fault…it just stings because I’ve been patient for several years already. I know people are just tying to be nice and supportive... and I guess there is really nothing anyone can say to make it okay. I need a strong drink after today.
10 December, 2010
Ready for a better week!
It's quite possibly been the most stressful last two weeks I've had in a while.
My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.
My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.
I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.
My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.
My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.
I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.
29 November, 2010
Last round of Clomid..ps (please work) Love, Me...
I started the my last round of Clomid this week. I really hope this month is the month it would be a nice little Christmas surprise. I can't believe it's already gone by so fast :/ At least I won't have to deal with the hot flashes for a while..hehehe. Who knows what they'll put us through when and if we have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist..Hmmm . I'm trying to think positively about this month it's a little frustrating becuase it feels like I already know it's not going to work..So I'll be in complete shock if it actually does work. There is a big part of me that hopes and wishes since it is our last round maybe it work *giggle* Who knows it would be a fun story that we could tell our child one day..of how much trouble it was..lol. I have high hopes and high nerves. *fingers crossed*Thanksgiving was this week..I had to work. Ugh! Haha. Josh and I got up at about 10:30 got ready and headed over to see my side of the family..which consist of my Grandma, Dad, Brother and his Wife Teresa. It was pretty low key, chill and relaxing. My dad made a delicious turkey..he always does :) We only stayed there for about an hour and a half and then headed over to Jen and Wooky's house, since Sheila and Bart
were in Louisiana. We saw little miss Miranda and Sarah. I got some mashed potatoes at Jens..hehe. The potatoes weren't ready at my grandmas when we got there..lol. After leaving Jen's we went back home and I got ready for work and that about sums up my Thanksgiving for 2010. Last year we cooked at our house because I was off work..it was great. Josh and I definitely want to cook Thanksgiving dinner next year. Tomorrow Josh and I are cooking our own little dinner and are set to watch Toy Story 3!! The only thing I didn't get to eat on Thanksgiving was green bean casserole..my favorite next to deviled eggs and mashed potatoes..yummm!
Today was my first day off after the long Holiday week at work and I was a complete bum today... I planned on vegging on the couch all day with Netflix but I was actually somewhat productive. I rescued Sarah from Pep Boys..she had a flat and it was going to be 3 hours before they could get to her tire. So I picked her up and we hung out for the afternoon. She helped me decorate my lil Christmas Tree :) It's cute..only about 4 ft tall. I had a bigger one but my grandma wanted to have a big Christmas tree for Arthur so I traded with her so he could enjoy the big Tree! I remember as a child we always had a big tree..I loved it! We also went for an evening walk and I discovered this secret path through our neighborhood. I love random adventures..especially at sunset on a crispy cool November evening . Good times...
22 November, 2010
Bummer
AF came today..right on time too :( Well all I can say is I hope this is a "Third times a charm" kinda thing. I'm kind of disappointed..obviously. I guess I'm happy it came though after last month being late 2 weeks. Taking a pg test on Thanksgiving would have just been a slap in the face anyway..I feel very let down but I'm glad it came when it did. Looks like it just might not be in our cards to have a child.. My heart is heavy today, my eyes are holding back tears and my smile is a little forced but I'm going to keep my head high..and try and enjoy this holiday week..
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!
18 November, 2010
Ovulation is a go...
Finally...Texas has received some Fall-ish weather. The leaves are dancing all around, the sun is setting early, the air is crisp and I am in love with it all. I went from by progesterone test on Monday of this week and my Doctor called Wednesday to say everything looked great and that I defiantly ovulated this month *yay* Now we're in the "wait and see if it worked phase" again...haha. I will take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving if I have not had my cycle by then. It will be CD-35 for me...last month I went 42-CD's and that was horrible, my brain wanted to implode in on it's self...if that's even possible. Ugh...the wait & "What if" was almost unbearable to take, obsessive thoughts were playing in my head 24 hours a day and each day that I was late. If it's negative on Thursday then I'll start the drug (prometrium) to start my cycle again. So my fingers are crossed and...my toes *giggle giggle* that there is a little bun in my oven. And if not..well we've got another month to try...so I'm pretty happy about that. Something I'm even more excited about is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Part 1 *happy dance* It comes out tomorrow. Oh-Emm-Gee I can't freaking wait! Date night with Harry Potter is always worth it. Normally we wait up and see the midnight showing but this year we're planning to go Sunday with the guys. Josh and I both have to work early the next morning. I'm going home tonight to watch the "Half Blood Prince" so I'm caught up and and ready for the new one Sunday. I was going to re-read the last book..but I really haven't had time and if I start now I'll get absolutely nothing done over the next few days.
04 November, 2010
Trick or Treat
Halloween was awesome..Always my favorite ♥ I went to a haunted house Friday night with Anna and Sarah. We went to Hangman's House
of Horror and I'll just say the adventure getting there was very..ummm interesting. It should not have been as complicated as it was and somehow it was extremely complicated. We got there in one piece so that's all that matters right? The haunted house was really fun. I would say on a scale on 1-10 for scary factor only about a 5 or 6 but still exciting lol. I worked Sat night and did a turnaround..Meaning I got off at 11:00pm and went back at 7:00am. Ugh.Everyone hates turnarounds..but sometimes it's nice to get it all out of the
way, especially if that turn around is leading into your Friday. I know..it's a complicated way of thinking sometimes. For Halloween night I met Sarah over and Jen-stars Snail ranch and we trick or treated from there. The kids were so freaking cute. Liberti was Bat-girl, Ethan a Vampire and lil miss Miranda Jane was a fairy *very cute one*. We did not win the pumpkin carving contest at work. *sad face* ET did not rock the house as we thought he would, in-fact we came in last place. Bummer :( The executive office staff won, which I can't lie they totally deserved. They did a great job with very little time available and they used glitter..which is always cool! I got a job promotion *happy dance* I am now the Front Office Manager for the Hotel..got a little raise too which is always nice. I have been with
my job for 5 years..I work hard, treat people well and I'm reliable..I definitely feel I deserve it. I will also get to work a little more in the mornings. Josh works days so that will be great! The weather has really started to get cooler around here. We turn the heater on at night lately so we're not freezing in the morning and yesterday was cloudy and rainy..my favorite. This weekend I'm going out downtown for a girls night out. *betta watchout* Haven't had one of these in a while. I'm excited and ready to shake it on the dance
floor! The elections were on Tuesday and yes I voted..and I voted early. Because I voted early I did not get my sticker..kind bummed about that..haha I have a collection of my old ones. I'm seriously a dork. Rick Perry is still the governor of Texas..boo to that! I'm just glad the republicans didn't take the senate..ooh politics..why do you make me so crazy? Speaking of crazy.. The Clomid is in full swing* come on ovaries you can do it*..lol Hot flashes are back.Ugh..at least It makes me laugh ♥
of Horror and I'll just say the adventure getting there was very..ummm interesting. It should not have been as complicated as it was and somehow it was extremely complicated. We got there in one piece so that's all that matters right? The haunted house was really fun. I would say on a scale on 1-10 for scary factor only about a 5 or 6 but still exciting lol. I worked Sat night and did a turnaround..Meaning I got off at 11:00pm and went back at 7:00am. Ugh.Everyone hates turnarounds..but sometimes it's nice to get it all out of the
way, especially if that turn around is leading into your Friday. I know..it's a complicated way of thinking sometimes. For Halloween night I met Sarah over and Jen-stars Snail ranch and we trick or treated from there. The kids were so freaking cute. Liberti was Bat-girl, Ethan a Vampire and lil miss Miranda Jane was a fairy *very cute one*. We did not win the pumpkin carving contest at work. *sad face* ET did not rock the house as we thought he would, in-fact we came in last place. Bummer :( The executive office staff won, which I can't lie they totally deserved. They did a great job with very little time available and they used glitter..which is always cool! I got a job promotion *happy dance* I am now the Front Office Manager for the Hotel..got a little raise too which is always nice. I have been with
my job for 5 years..I work hard, treat people well and I'm reliable..I definitely feel I deserve it. I will also get to work a little more in the mornings. Josh works days so that will be great! The weather has really started to get cooler around here. We turn the heater on at night lately so we're not freezing in the morning and yesterday was cloudy and rainy..my favorite. This weekend I'm going out downtown for a girls night out. *betta watchout* Haven't had one of these in a while. I'm excited and ready to shake it on the dance
floor! The elections were on Tuesday and yes I voted..and I voted early. Because I voted early I did not get my sticker..kind bummed about that..haha I have a collection of my old ones. I'm seriously a dork. Rick Perry is still the governor of Texas..boo to that! I'm just glad the republicans didn't take the senate..ooh politics..why do you make me so crazy? Speaking of crazy.. The Clomid is in full swing* come on ovaries you can do it*..lol Hot flashes are back.Ugh..at least It makes me laugh ♥
25 October, 2010
Clomid round 2 and Pumpkin Carving
October has officially arrived :) Today I met Misty and Jillian at a park in Fort Worth to carve pumpkins!! What a way to bring in the festivities of Halloween also known as "All Hallows Eve"..my favorite Holiday of all 
American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. 
We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and 
positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!
American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. 
We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and 
positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!
18 October, 2010
Blah..blah..blah
I called my doctor this morning to ask about what’s possibly going on with my cycle this month. It’s been completely out of whack. The nurse said; that I should wait a few more days and take another pregnancy test because the Clomid made me ovulate on day 18 or 19 which is kind of late. I think I’m going to wait until Wed or Thursday because I’m actually off work. I’d rather take it when I’m off work so that the negative depressiveness doesn’t have to go with me to work. Even if you’re pretty sure you are not pregnant and you take a test and it’s negative…It’s gut wrenching…and it set’s your whole day of on the wrong foot and I hate that feeling, as much as you say it’s not going to affect you it totally does. If it comes up negative then I’ll have to start the drug called prometrium in order to start my cycle again. It’s so crazy to me…I have had a fairly normal cycle and now I’m completely screwed up because of this medication. I’m frustrated, wondering whether or not I should continue with the Clomid. I called my insurance company today and tried to find out what all my insurance covers as far as fertility treatment is concerned. And unfortunately they do not cover much.
I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(
This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.
I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(
This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.
17 October, 2010
A craptastic day!
Still no sign of Aunt Flow and this morning I took a home pregnancy test and it was a Big Fat Negative otherwise know and a BFN. I learned this as I was obsessing over Clomid forums last night. Guess I'll be calling my doctor in the morning to see what's going on. After taking my test this morning I went into the living room depressed and bummed, I slumped onto the couch and then got up to let the dogs in since they sleep in the laundry room at night. Daisy came running in first and after and few minutes I realized that Roxy and Scruffy had not come to lick and jump on me yet which is odd because usually they are climbing on top of one another just to get to me. I went out to the back yard only to find the gate wide open. I immediately freaked out and ran into the street. Roxy was just coming across the street and I didn’t see scruffy anywhere. I started yelling out his name and then I burst into tears and then a hard sob. 
I called Josh at work, thankfully he answered. I cried my way through telling him that scruffy was gone. At that moment I really did think that we’d ever see him again. I walked up our whole block twice crying the entire time. I asked a few kids if they saw a little dog. One little boy said he saw two dogs but when he explained to me what they looked like I realized that he was talking about Daisy and Roxy. Today is the first time I’ve meet some of my neighbors and I must say in my moment of utter desperation and sadness… they were all extremely nice and comforting. Several people got my house number and said if they found him they’d bring him to me it was comforting. I got back to the house after the second walk around the block and went into the laundry room crying and asking Roxy to go find scruffy… she just looked at me with her head low to the ground…I could tell that they knew something wasn’t right, Daisy had a very nervous look on her face and right behind me the whole time. I walked outside and Josh pulled up (he rushed from work.. thank goodness we live somewhat close to our jobs) I ran to his arms sobbing and crying and he just squeezed me realy tight and kissed my head. 
He then went straight in the house grabbed Roxy and said lets go. He let Roxy down and kind of followed her…all the while Josh is saying “which way did he go Roxy”. The way we were going I told Josh he probably wasn’t down there because it was kind of far and a boy on that street did not see any dogs… But low and behold about two blocks over there was Scruffy hiding out by a fence of other dogs. Poor little guy must have been lost and afraid…when he saw us he was excited but afraid to come out to us until we got a bit closer. I cried even more when we found him *sigh* Thank God I have Josh in my life sometimes I’m just not sure what I’d do with out him he truly is my personal hero :)
Scruffy is one lucky pup. We still have no clue how the gate came to be open but Josh bought a lock on his way home from work. So I feel a lot better now. After a year in the house this is the first time any of our dogs have gotten out…it’s very scary. My dogs are like little people to me they have such a important part of my heart and today I felt my heart was breaking. Someone was looking over our shoulder today and for that I’m very thankful.
I called Josh at work, thankfully he answered. I cried my way through telling him that scruffy was gone. At that moment I really did think that we’d ever see him again. I walked up our whole block twice crying the entire time. I asked a few kids if they saw a little dog. One little boy said he saw two dogs but when he explained to me what they looked like I realized that he was talking about Daisy and Roxy. Today is the first time I’ve meet some of my neighbors and I must say in my moment of utter desperation and sadness… they were all extremely nice and comforting. Several people got my house number and said if they found him they’d bring him to me it was comforting. I got back to the house after the second walk around the block and went into the laundry room crying and asking Roxy to go find scruffy… she just looked at me with her head low to the ground…I could tell that they knew something wasn’t right, Daisy had a very nervous look on her face and right behind me the whole time. I walked outside and Josh pulled up (he rushed from work.. thank goodness we live somewhat close to our jobs) I ran to his arms sobbing and crying and he just squeezed me realy tight and kissed my head. 
He then went straight in the house grabbed Roxy and said lets go. He let Roxy down and kind of followed her…all the while Josh is saying “which way did he go Roxy”. The way we were going I told Josh he probably wasn’t down there because it was kind of far and a boy on that street did not see any dogs… But low and behold about two blocks over there was Scruffy hiding out by a fence of other dogs. Poor little guy must have been lost and afraid…when he saw us he was excited but afraid to come out to us until we got a bit closer. I cried even more when we found him *sigh* Thank God I have Josh in my life sometimes I’m just not sure what I’d do with out him he truly is my personal hero :)Scruffy is one lucky pup. We still have no clue how the gate came to be open but Josh bought a lock on his way home from work. So I feel a lot better now. After a year in the house this is the first time any of our dogs have gotten out…it’s very scary. My dogs are like little people to me they have such a important part of my heart and today I felt my heart was breaking. Someone was looking over our shoulder today and for that I’m very thankful.
14 October, 2010
Anticipation can bite me
Anticipation...is not my friend.
On a fertility update - I'm two days late and have been feeling for 3 days like I'm going get a visit from Aunt Flow but nothing yet so...as you can imagine I'm kind of a hormonal ball of mess right now. I'm keeping it in pretty well as to not seem on the outside like such a crazy female but I sure feel it. Ugh! I know it is just two days but when you're trying to get pregnant every hour can feel like a day..yes I know it's so dramatic lol. Eeerrrr!! I really hate waiting. I wish it would just come already if it's gonna.. stop teasing me. At first.. 4 days ago I was excited because I woke up and my nipples were really sore. They still are which is odd for me. I've had sore breast before but not nipples. So of course I got super excited inside and though ohhhh..this could be the first sign so I bought a two pack test I took one and it was negative, my mom thinks it's too early to tell. I think my brain is playing tricks on my body haha. I've been having lower back pain for the last 3 days, as if I'm going to start any minute..it's weird and I've felt the normal moodiness that comes along so I'm guessing I'll probably start soon. My anxious thoughts about everything is probably what's causing me to be late or maybe the fact that I've been taking the Clomid. Huummmm well I guess I'll wait a bit longer but if no visit by Sat..I'll take a test. I remember in the past...that every time I'd finally get the courage up to go buy the damned test I would finally start..lol
peace.love.freckles
On a fertility update - I'm two days late and have been feeling for 3 days like I'm going get a visit from Aunt Flow but nothing yet so...as you can imagine I'm kind of a hormonal ball of mess right now. I'm keeping it in pretty well as to not seem on the outside like such a crazy female but I sure feel it. Ugh! I know it is just two days but when you're trying to get pregnant every hour can feel like a day..yes I know it's so dramatic lol. Eeerrrr!! I really hate waiting. I wish it would just come already if it's gonna.. stop teasing me. At first.. 4 days ago I was excited because I woke up and my nipples were really sore. They still are which is odd for me. I've had sore breast before but not nipples. So of course I got super excited inside and though ohhhh..this could be the first sign so I bought a two pack test I took one and it was negative, my mom thinks it's too early to tell. I think my brain is playing tricks on my body haha. I've been having lower back pain for the last 3 days, as if I'm going to start any minute..it's weird and I've felt the normal moodiness that comes along so I'm guessing I'll probably start soon. My anxious thoughts about everything is probably what's causing me to be late or maybe the fact that I've been taking the Clomid. Huummmm well I guess I'll wait a bit longer but if no visit by Sat..I'll take a test. I remember in the past...that every time I'd finally get the courage up to go buy the damned test I would finally start..lol
peace.love.freckles
18 September, 2010
So much work
Well I started the Clomid on Friday which was yesterday, I originally said Sat but I must have been dyslexic or something because Friday was the 5th day. I could tell that something was affecting me, my sensitivity level was definitely heightened, I felt a little hot and just a little strange overall..kind of hard to explain. But let me tell ya.. sitting on the toilet dipping long paper strips into a tiny little cup of my pee and waiting for 5 minutes is just so exciting. Nothing better I'd rather do haha. I've got my little notepad to keep track of things, my med's and my strips all set up in the bathroom..so I hope this stuff makes me fertile or something along those lines. This is a lot of work just to get pregnant.. and all those years in school teachers made it sound like all a guy had to do is look at you the wrong way and you'd get pregnant, I guess for most people it's like that..one crazy wild night with the one you love or one drunk and crazy night with the one you just met. Some peoples bodies are just drawn together chemically I think..
I've been having some really active dream-time over the last week. I think my mind knows that we are trying to do something, because it has been throwing some awesome dreams my way, very detailed. Last night I dreamed of my old friend Sarah Garrett..we are no longer friends because I was a bad influence after high school with my clubbing and partying ways..So her husband didn't really care too much for my presence and asked her not to be my friend anymore. Sarah is a regular in my dreamworld, from time to time she pop's up and sometimes Kris is with her..but usually it's just her or her and her daughter..last night was especially cool, because I got to see both her kids, her Mom and Brother..we went to a bar together just her and I..we had so much fun it was so real and as if time had never passed. Her hair was long and she was still thin and tall like she's always been. It was amazing to see her I hope that life is being kind to her. Even tho we are no longer friends I know that we still each think of one another. We had a wonderful friendship when we were growing up..most always on the same page together..I miss her so much sometimes. I wonder what her life is like, what things she likes. One day..we'll come across each other and the time will be right again for friendship.
Anywho my imagination is active and awake..which makes me excited to fall asleep at night! I usually have amazing dreams and people say they don't mean much..but for me..I always find some meaning in my dreams no matter how little or how big they are..there is always something there to be found if your eyes, mind and soul are open.
peace.love.freckles
I've been having some really active dream-time over the last week. I think my mind knows that we are trying to do something, because it has been throwing some awesome dreams my way, very detailed. Last night I dreamed of my old friend Sarah Garrett..we are no longer friends because I was a bad influence after high school with my clubbing and partying ways..So her husband didn't really care too much for my presence and asked her not to be my friend anymore. Sarah is a regular in my dreamworld, from time to time she pop's up and sometimes Kris is with her..but usually it's just her or her and her daughter..last night was especially cool, because I got to see both her kids, her Mom and Brother..we went to a bar together just her and I..we had so much fun it was so real and as if time had never passed. Her hair was long and she was still thin and tall like she's always been. It was amazing to see her I hope that life is being kind to her. Even tho we are no longer friends I know that we still each think of one another. We had a wonderful friendship when we were growing up..most always on the same page together..I miss her so much sometimes. I wonder what her life is like, what things she likes. One day..we'll come across each other and the time will be right again for friendship.
Anywho my imagination is active and awake..which makes me excited to fall asleep at night! I usually have amazing dreams and people say they don't mean much..but for me..I always find some meaning in my dreams no matter how little or how big they are..there is always something there to be found if your eyes, mind and soul are open.
peace.love.freckles
03 September, 2010
Fall is on the way..
First I have to give mother nature a big thanks...because the weather has been absolutely amazing the last few days. We got some much needed rain and a cool front blew in to give us a break from the 100 degree summer we've been having. I hope it continues. I'm just excited to feel that fall is on is on the way. This time last year we were house hunting...I can't believe it's almost been a year
I went this week for my “Clomid Consult”. Spoke with my doctor in person about all the test results and again everything looks really good. She even laughed about the semen analysis. Josh has like 92 billion sperm. So he’s got a big swim team haha. I asked if there was anything we could to affect the morphology but she said not much. Basically he needs a good diet, vitamins, good sleep and no hot baths or sauna visits. She went over the Clomid with me, the side effects and for the most part I think I will be fine! The chance of multiples does go up by 10 percent, but I told Josh that I wasn’t too worried about that, I mean hey…if we could have two and get it all done and over… that would be fine with me especially if it’s going to be this difficult for us in the first place. So the Clomid isn’t really going to do much for Josh, but it will make me extremely fertile meaning I might release more than 1 egg hopefully a few, so that there is a better chance that we can at least fertilize one egg! I’m starting to get very excited. I will only take the Clomid for 5 days out of my cycle…this first month I will have to do the ovulation predictor strips for the first round, and when I get my first positive sign, then I’ll go in for a progesterone test to make sure I’m ovulating at the right time. As my doctor says “Timing is everything”. I will be able to take the Clomid for at least 3 months, if nothing happens we can try if for a little longer maybe even up the dose, but if we have absolutely no luck then we’ll definitely have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist… So hopefully the Clomid is a magical pill for us *fingers crossed*lol. One can only hope!
On another note; my mom has been having some heart troubles. Over the last week and a half she’s been to the hospital 4 times for heart attack symptoms. They said she has Angina. So she had an appointment with her cardiologist on Thursday morning…and they put her back into the hospital. They ran a bunch of tests and did a small rather common surgery to put a stint in one of her arteries, it was at 98% blockage :( I spent a little bit of time with her today before coming into work and she was looking and feeling much better.
A year of Plavix, Aspirin and healthy eating should help her recover. We have naturally high cholesterol on her side of the family…my grandfather died of a massive heart attack when he was in his 50’s. So I’m going to be keeping my eye on her :)
Any-who it is Labor Day weekend I’m currently at work with only 2 arrivals (can we say..Slow?). I’m stuck at work the entire weekend…Such is my life. I do have next weekend off though! Liberti turns - 6, Sarah turns – 28, Zayin is going to be – 2…so lots of celebrating! Ooooh yea, Jen and I are getting to see Dave Matthews Band that Saturday.. I’m soo stoked!
peace.love.freckles
I went this week for my “Clomid Consult”. Spoke with my doctor in person about all the test results and again everything looks really good. She even laughed about the semen analysis. Josh has like 92 billion sperm. So he’s got a big swim team haha. I asked if there was anything we could to affect the morphology but she said not much. Basically he needs a good diet, vitamins, good sleep and no hot baths or sauna visits. She went over the Clomid with me, the side effects and for the most part I think I will be fine! The chance of multiples does go up by 10 percent, but I told Josh that I wasn’t too worried about that, I mean hey…if we could have two and get it all done and over… that would be fine with me especially if it’s going to be this difficult for us in the first place. So the Clomid isn’t really going to do much for Josh, but it will make me extremely fertile meaning I might release more than 1 egg hopefully a few, so that there is a better chance that we can at least fertilize one egg! I’m starting to get very excited. I will only take the Clomid for 5 days out of my cycle…this first month I will have to do the ovulation predictor strips for the first round, and when I get my first positive sign, then I’ll go in for a progesterone test to make sure I’m ovulating at the right time. As my doctor says “Timing is everything”. I will be able to take the Clomid for at least 3 months, if nothing happens we can try if for a little longer maybe even up the dose, but if we have absolutely no luck then we’ll definitely have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist… So hopefully the Clomid is a magical pill for us *fingers crossed*lol. One can only hope!
On another note; my mom has been having some heart troubles. Over the last week and a half she’s been to the hospital 4 times for heart attack symptoms. They said she has Angina. So she had an appointment with her cardiologist on Thursday morning…and they put her back into the hospital. They ran a bunch of tests and did a small rather common surgery to put a stint in one of her arteries, it was at 98% blockage :( I spent a little bit of time with her today before coming into work and she was looking and feeling much better.
A year of Plavix, Aspirin and healthy eating should help her recover. We have naturally high cholesterol on her side of the family…my grandfather died of a massive heart attack when he was in his 50’s. So I’m going to be keeping my eye on her :)Any-who it is Labor Day weekend I’m currently at work with only 2 arrivals (can we say..Slow?). I’m stuck at work the entire weekend…Such is my life. I do have next weekend off though! Liberti turns - 6, Sarah turns – 28, Zayin is going to be – 2…so lots of celebrating! Ooooh yea, Jen and I are getting to see Dave Matthews Band that Saturday.. I’m soo stoked!
peace.love.freckles
26 August, 2010
Clomid...here we come!!
Today is a good day!! My Doctor called this morning to explain things a bit more. And I must say that I feel much more positive than I did yesterday. I just honestly was a little in shock..and didn't quite know what, or how to feel. So she basically said that he has such a high sperm count that the morphology should not be that huge of a concern. It's definitely a factor at this point since we haven't conceived in 5 years. We kind of stopped trying so hard after that first year of no results and thought well it will happen. Well we are back on track and focused; so perhaps this time will be better for us.
We are..lol I mean I am going to start taking Clomid on my next cycle. I will see her next week to get the prescription and go over our "care plan". If the Clomid doesn't work then we will be referred to an RE "reproduction endocrinologist" and discuss IUI artificial insemination.. IUI is less expensive then IVF..so what ever we can do before getting to that point would be great!
I'm really excited and have high hopes, but there is still this little part in the back of my head that says "don't get overly excited, because it's possible this may not work" and then I think "well don't be negative" and I'm not negative.. But I do have to be realistic with my goals and emotions. I don't want to be completely dragged through the mud with this whole experience. I mean I guess that's going to happen anyway..I just don't want to be so broken inside that I can't move on.
I called all the mothers hehe..that would me My Grandmother, Sheila and Mom and of course Anna, Sarah, Misty and my Jen-Star..they are my support group, my amazing amazon warrior women :) They are all excited and relieved as well.. In a way..their excitement kind of fuels me and let's me know that it's okay to feel excited, and that everything is going to be okay in the long run. I love them all and I am so grateful to have each of their strong female influences in my life. We've gone for at least 5 years with no luck..so I sorta lost hope and stopped getting excited about whether or not I would ever get pregnant, and now starting to feel hope again is a little scary and intensely exciting.
It feels really therapeutic to finally talk out loud about it with our family and friends, I feel like we are not alone on this path and that we have a strong family to catch us if we fall brokenhearted . I remember so many times before waiting each month to see if I would feel different, would my breast be tender, was a I a day late, and did it mean something or thinking "this is going to be the month" and it never was.. I felt less of a woman, as if something were wrong with me, perhaps I was defective in some way. Today there is a light at the end of a tunnel. We have embarked on a journey that will hopefully have good results..and if not then we will be able to move on with our lives and start to heal from the pain of infertility.
peace.love.freckles
We are..lol I mean I am going to start taking Clomid on my next cycle. I will see her next week to get the prescription and go over our "care plan". If the Clomid doesn't work then we will be referred to an RE "reproduction endocrinologist" and discuss IUI artificial insemination.. IUI is less expensive then IVF..so what ever we can do before getting to that point would be great!
I'm really excited and have high hopes, but there is still this little part in the back of my head that says "don't get overly excited, because it's possible this may not work" and then I think "well don't be negative" and I'm not negative.. But I do have to be realistic with my goals and emotions. I don't want to be completely dragged through the mud with this whole experience. I mean I guess that's going to happen anyway..I just don't want to be so broken inside that I can't move on.
I called all the mothers hehe..that would me My Grandmother, Sheila and Mom and of course Anna, Sarah, Misty and my Jen-Star..they are my support group, my amazing amazon warrior women :) They are all excited and relieved as well.. In a way..their excitement kind of fuels me and let's me know that it's okay to feel excited, and that everything is going to be okay in the long run. I love them all and I am so grateful to have each of their strong female influences in my life. We've gone for at least 5 years with no luck..so I sorta lost hope and stopped getting excited about whether or not I would ever get pregnant, and now starting to feel hope again is a little scary and intensely exciting.
It feels really therapeutic to finally talk out loud about it with our family and friends, I feel like we are not alone on this path and that we have a strong family to catch us if we fall brokenhearted . I remember so many times before waiting each month to see if I would feel different, would my breast be tender, was a I a day late, and did it mean something or thinking "this is going to be the month" and it never was.. I felt less of a woman, as if something were wrong with me, perhaps I was defective in some way. Today there is a light at the end of a tunnel. We have embarked on a journey that will hopefully have good results..and if not then we will be able to move on with our lives and start to heal from the pain of infertility.
peace.love.freckles
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