Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*
If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.
I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!
Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe.
This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.
Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.
Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!
I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . . I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.
I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???
I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope
I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!
AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!
It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.
I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .
I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her. I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the
Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . . Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my
tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...
Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why
does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies
that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*
I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :) I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.
I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.
On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a
storm in our area, I was out on my front patio videoing the weird
looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow
right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my
rainbow baby*
I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥
Happy St. Patrick's Day ♥ Like the warmth of the sun And the light of the day, May the luck of the Irish shine bright on your way.
Well I'm not drinking any green beer; however I am chilling on the couch watching "Sense and Sensibility". It is one of my favorite moves about love, plus I love period piece movies!
Sooooo... I am officially in the 2WW - Eeek!!
I had my LH surge on Thursday the 15th which was CD 14. I called Coral and she scheduled Josh for the ARTS lab at 8:30am and scheduled "Us" for the IUI at 9:40am on Friday the 16th! This time our IUI went super smooth! We were not crazy emotional like the last time. Josh and I woke up at about 7:15 and got ready, he was feeling pretty nervous and his stomach was in knots. We were quiet for most of the drive, but it was nice to not be fretting and filled with tension. Josh was nervous, so I let him settle into his own feelings and didn't bombard him with my ramblings, because that would certainty have made things a little prickly. I had not slept well the last two night leading up to the IUI - I was full of nervousness and it was keeping me awake. I was laying in bed wide awake so it sorta kept him tossing and turning. I think he just felt as nervous as me, lol. We were both pretty tired and his stomach never does well in the morning. Plus having to go into a little room and rub one out while your wife sits only about 10 feet away is enough to make any man feel nervous. Hahah, poor Josh.
After Josh gave a sample of his *swim-team* to the ARTS lab we went to the cafeteria and I had breakfast, Josh did not eat at all, lol. He was feeling MUCH better though, hehehe. We headed up the the Fertility office and luckily the wait was not very long :) The IUI went fairly smooth... It seemed to hurt a little more this time, my cervix seemed a bit sensitive, but hey if we get a baby out of this, then I don't care how much it hur. Josh got to do the actual IUI again!! *big smile* He was allowed to do it last time, so it made us feel good that he was able to do it again this time - Dr. Laura is so awesome to let him have that part. I can tell it made him feel very much a part of the whole IUI experience and it is good for him to have a part. I'm the one that takes all the meds, pee's on strips, and goes to all the appointments - so I'm really happy that he is able to feel like an integral part of this not so normal "baby making" process, hehe. I also feel blessed that he's not skiddish about this stuff. We may not talk about it in depth or dissect every detail together, but when it gets down to business he does not fail me ♥ The IUI was quick and we were out of there and on our way home... so smooth and so simple.
I do have to admit that yesterday I did not feel the ovulation pains like I did in September when we did the IUI, so in the back of my mind I was worried that maybe I'd messed up the timing. I woke up this morning for work at 6am and felt the ovulation pains on my right side, I could barley walk without feeling it. I was definitely ovulating and I kinda freaked out thinking that we did the IUI too soon. I called Coral this morning and she reassured me that everything would be fine that the "Dudes" would live up to 72 hours or more. I felt so much better and was able to go about my day without worrying about it. *evil grin* Hehehe - I got home from work at 3:30 and pounced Josh, lol It wasn't really that romantic, but we made sure that even if timing was off, we added a little *extra* to the swim team!! I feel really excited about this month! I hope this works, and I think its really neat that If I do get pregnant, then one day we can tell our child that they were conceived on St. Patrick's day, the day of Luck... Today is also Josh's Nanny's Birthday! I can't believe that it is done and over with... now we just wait. . .
So here I am Ladies. . . in my 2WW. . . only 2DPIUI. . . *sigh* Thank goodness my Birthday is weekend. I'm doing "Painting with a Twist" with a bunch of really great friends. That will definitely break up the 2WW!!
I hope everyone has a Great weekend!! Congrats to those who have recently received their BFP's and for everyone still waiting, hoping, working and fighting for your BFP's - I send you ((hugs)) and lots of luck on this lovely day ♥
I'm chilling on the couch with my sweet Roxy-baby, a blanket and the sound of rain *ahhhhh* Love it :)
I have been sniffing and sneezing all day - I'm a mess of snot.
Hahaha :)
I got sick this week :| "Poooo Creeeto" is what Josh would say, hehe. Dr Said it was strep and put me on an antibiotic, I'm on day 3 of a 6 day treatment. I went to the Doc Thursday morning and pretty much slept the entire day after getting home, and that is totally not me. Josh even pokes fun at me, because anytime I'm sick I never want to go lay in bed, I never want to nap or rest, I fight it so much. Hahaha. So yea, I slept all day and night Thursday, and ONLY after Josh persuaded me into going to bed, and even then I turned the TV on, lol. It wasn't long after that, that I had a little sippy sip of my special cough syrup and passed out. Josh was really sweet to check up on me and make me food *sigh*. I feel mostly better, no longer weak, and way less feverish, but now I have a super stuffed up nose and it wont stop running. Uggg,lol.
OoooOoo... I smell the cookies *evil grin*
I really hope this whole getting sick thing doesn't rain on my IUI parade i will be sooo pissed off. And... So far so good on that front - I do not feel pain from my left ovary so that is a good sign!! Last month I felt pain in my left ovary at least a week before ovulation. I guess I'm also really glad that I got sick before "O" time, and before my Birthday on the 25th :) I feel like I haven't let myself get that excited about this cycle :| Well, I guess I mean to say - I've not allowed myself to fantasize about it actually working. After canceling our IUI last month I'm trying to look at things with more day by day perspective so that I don't stress out thinking about it. Thinking about it wont change anything. Worrying about it wont change anything. We just have to do it and hope that it works! I feel good about this month and I'm trying to remain as positive as I can. Josh is excited too and that makes me feel more secure :)
Daylight savings time is tonight, well in the AM that is. I'm sad, I actually have to work in the morning at 7 am, Ugggg. I'm totally getting jipped on the whole sleep thing. Oh well...that's life right?!?
Follicle check on Monday *fingers crossed* for eggs on the right side!!
Well Happy Leap Day, or year... or whatever it is. <-- Ya, that's about all I got for that. 30 Rock had a really funny episode last week about Leap Year, so if you want funny - go watch 30 Rock :)
Today is 13DPO. 13DPO!!! I do not feel pregnant. *stupid natural cycle* lol
I've had a few tiny symptoms, but nothing to write home about, lol. I have a pregnancy test mocking me on my dressing table and If I had to put money down it would be on a BFN. So I now face the decision that every infertile goes through each month that passes by and she hasn't fallen pregnant.
Do I test and get the heartache over now or wait for AF to show and get lost in a few days of that dreaded "what if I am" ball of crazy emotions crap?!?
I hate that feeling with a passion, so I'll probably test tomorrow morning at 14DPO and put a quick end to this 2WW. I could fool myself and say there is a chance and yes, there is, but sometimes your body just tells ya what tha eff is up, and I'd be beyond shocked if I got a BFP tomorrow morning. I almost can't even believe how much of a freaking drag this 2WW was for me, and how much I let myself get caught up in the "what if" part. And not only that - it was a freaking "on our own cycle" *goood lord* we haven't gotten pregnant "on our own" in 7 years...
I don't know what made me think it would magically work this time around, lol.
Hope get's our heart hurt sometimes. *giggle*
I got emotional about this cycle, or rather I have felt that way over the last few days. I'm sure it is because my body knows I'm not pregnant, and even though I'm cool with that; since we are going to be all set for a good IUI this month, my heart and brain still know that my body failed me once again this month. I could not get pregnant on my own. Uggg. It is okay, and I'm okay. Reminders of what my body doesn't do right make me angry, but after my anger somewhat subsides I want to try even harder. I know I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this cycle, but I was wrong and I did, and it has been emotionally intense. I've kept it mostly contained, lol and haven't let the crazy spew out for others to see, but it has been difficult.
I'll be glad when AF comes so we can get started on this March IUI, Eeeek!!! I'm ready... so freaking ready for this. Bring it on!! It will also be my Birthday month. *sigh* I'm already excited. Hence the reason I sound so bitter about getting excited during the 2ww of this natural cycle. Argggg. Our minds really do take us to strange places on this "IF" journey.
Love wise it was wonderful. I'm blessed with a fabulous Husband who cooks me amazing food ♥ We never got to have our picnic the other day, because it was freezing outside, but he cooked steak on the grill which was even better! All year I've bitched about not having a winter and then suddenly out of no where, she decided to stop being so damn shy. We'll do a picnic next month perhaps... maybe around my Birthday
Any-who. . .
Fertility wise - Yesterday sucked. I cried on my way home from work, uggg. I went to my appointment at 12:15 made it back to work by 1:20. Thankfully it was so busy that I didn't have time to be emotional about anything. So as soon as I got in the car to go home everything flooded my brain, and I cried a river in my car.
Let's just say I'll be getting another CA-125 test done, because the mass/blood sausage in my baby-making-oven is just too big for its own britches, meaning it is getting so large and awkward looking that surgery might have to happen anyway. Eeerrrrrrr. They want to make sure it has not turned into ovarian cancer, so they are doing the CA-125 test to make sure my numbers are about the same as last time. I was listed at 146 in May or June of last year which was high, but not super high. Normal numbers are around 25 - I think. We know the number will be high, because of my Endometriosis, so if it is about the same (146) we'll know that it is probably just the Endo going crazy. If the number goes really high they will send me to radiology and then an oncologist. I don't foresee any of that happening, I went through this once before so I'm not really worried. Woman with Endo have higher chances of ovarian cancer, so they just want to be extra cautious.
This month my left ovary decided it wanted all the attention. I have several really good sized follies on the left, and one egg on the right ovary. The left tube is sitting in a sac of standing blood. It is gross. It sucks. It makes me sooo mad. She said we still have a chance because of the egg on the right side, but didn't really recommend doing it, and who in their right mind would take that chance??? What a risk...how stupid and what a waste of money it would be. So we'll wait till next month as long as my CA-125 comes back ok. She said if we wanted to just try on our own this month that would be okay since I did take Letrozole, and we have one lone egg that could turn into a super egg... one can only hope, lol.
No IUI makes me a very unhappy, I've been looking forward to this for months... It was that carrot at the end of the stick that I was chasing. The thoughts of getting started again helped me get through the last several months of deep depression. I. effing. hate. waiting. And I. effing. hate. endo. - And, it is not like you can so oh, well we'll try tomorrow... No... no, it's a whole freaking month, and that doesn't even guarantee that my right ovary will work next month, we just have to hope.
I'm buying wine tonight...
I hope all of you Ladies had a great Valentines Day!!!
And... because I'm pretty sure it is socially unacceptable to get trashed before work at 10:30 in the morning - I'm going to go work out in hopes that it will free my mind ♥
Today is my Friday, like actually "My" Friday, meaning I'm off for the weekend!!! I haven't been off for a weekend in a long time. I mean yes, I was off for Vegas, but that doesn't count. Working in the Hotel Industry is a bit tricky. You're never off when normal people are off, you almost always cover the Holidays, and the weekends. I'm grateful for my Job and I love it, but sometimes it's a beat-down, hahaha. I've worked the last 11 days in a row, and before that I only had one day off... So needless to say it's been a very busy last month and I really don't see it slowing down anytime soon.
Josh and I are planning a picnic by the river tomorrow as our Valentines Day Celebration (somehow we got lucky and are both off Sat & Sunday). I'm pretty excited ♥ I just hope the weather cooperates - lol.
I'm going in on Valentines Day for a CD 12 - Follicle Check!!
Eeeek :)
I'm pretty certain we'll be doing the IUI!! I just took my last two pills of Letrozole today - the hot flashes are starting to kick in. . . And I can totally feel my right ovary getting bigger!! Yay :)
I also want to give a big shout-out & congratulations to "Our Journey Through This Lovely Life" for getting her long awaited BFP!!!! So excited for you ♥
Yesterday was 3 months since our loss... I would be about 24 weeks right now... We would have been cleaning out that room and making a nursery...
*sigh*
I'm a fan of a page on Facebook called Infertility Awareness and I jacked a few quotes from the page!!!
Each day I see them, they make me a little more stronger :)
Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. –Alphonse de Lamartine (1790-1869)
Courage is being afraid and going on the journey anyhow. – John Wayne
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. –Chinese Proverb
Just like the night before CD 1, I cried and sobbed Sunday night after Josh went to bed. I thought I'd gotten all my crying out during my "wine-cry-fest" days earlier, but I guess I had some leftover emotions still lingering. I didn't have wine this time around - I just cried and went to bed. I was so nervous about the baseline. It is a make or break kind of appointment if you know what I mean, so it was really difficult to sleep.
I was super excited to see Jenica, the office manager of the Fertility office. Jenica did IVF in December and got pregnant!! It was great to see her - She had that special kind of glow about her :)
It was weird driving into the parking garage. I have to admit that it made me feel a little sick to my stomach at first, but as soon as I walked in the door of the Fertility office I was greeted by Jenica's big smile *sigh* and that settled my nerves. There was a couple waiting in the lobby area, and it made me think back to the day Josh and I first visited the RE office. We were so nervous and hopeful. We were newbs, lol
I got weighed in, poked with needles, had my blood stolen, and then I was sent to that room... The room where everything fell apart in November. If those walls could tell stories... It was the room where we learned our little bean had died *sigh*. It was a little difficult, but I survived.
Dr. L came in with a bright smile on her face and gave me a big hug. I also got hugged by Coral which was really, really nice <3, they are all so wonderful! Dr. L asked me how I was doing, how I handled the last few months, how Josh was doing, and if I was having any pain. I told her I was doing much better, that I cried a lot in Nov and Dec, and that I was really angry during the month of January. She listened to everything, and was very empathetic to the things I was feeling and saying, I didn't feel rushed - Best RE ever!!! I told her that I'd been having a lot of pain in my right hip, and asked her if it was because of the Endo. She said probably, but we could not be certain.
I asked her if I should do anything different this time around... I've had people suggest that I take baby aspirin, She said absolutely not!! It has not been proven to really make a difference, and that it would be best not to add anything to our cycle. I felt better. So many people want to tell you what you should do the next time around, and it's a little frustrating sometimes, because even though you know you're doing everything you can, it still makes you feel like your not doing something right. lol
She started the ultrasound and went after my left side first. I could feel immediately that something was off when she started the internal ultrasound. As she moved the wand to the left it made me jump. It hurt. Great :| On the screen we could see that my Endometrioma (cyst) was back, right along with the blood sausage covering my left fallopian tube. :( Freaking wonderful... Errrrr *stomps feet*
I have stayed on Birth Control since the miscarriage to keep the Endo from going crazy, and it looks as though it did not help me. Stupid...stupid...stupid - Endo *angry eyes*.
We could see all the baby eggs on each of my ovaries, so that's a plus!! We decided that we'll go ahead with the IUI, but my chances of having an ectopic pregnancy is much, much higher now. Errrr. I picked up the Letrozole and started taking it last night. I will take 2.5 mg of the Letrozole, two pills each for 5 days, and because of the cyst I'm going to go in around CD 11 or CD 12, for a follicle check. By that time we'll be able to see which ovary is developing the eggs, she will be able to check the sizes of the follies, so this will be really helpful. If it is the left side that's pumping out eggs, then we'll hold off, and try next month when my right side goes.
Dr. L, is concerned because of my left side, and I'm totally pissed off at my left side. Why does my body have to betray me like this?? It is not fair. I cried on my way back to work yesterday. I was not expecting that my Endo would have grown back so quickly. I am grateful to move on with the IUI, but I felt defeated. I felt like the surgery I just had in July, was useless. . . She hinted at IVF. I asked her if IVF would really be an option considering our problem is staying pregnant. Dr. L said that IVF definitely gives us a better chance, because they are picking the absolute best egg... They grow them for about 5 days and then transfer, so they have the ability to get rid of the ones that will eventually not make it.
So much to think about. . . I'm hoping we get lucky, and that the IUI works again. I will start monitoring my LH surge this Sunday with OPK's, and The hubs and I will do our BD every other day...
I also bought Pre-Seed for the first time ever, 23 bucks for lube - Hahahaha. "Honey, this ain't yo grandma's lube", bawhahahha. Has anyone else used it?? Has anyone had luck with it?? I hope it helps!! Please Wish us luck, and pray that Letrozole does not turn me into a crazy woman, lol!!
Today is February 3rd and officially CD 1!! *Happy Dance and a Booty shake*
I always have to laugh at myself when I get overly excited that AF is coming to town!
♥♥♥
CD-1 should have been yesterday, but AF decided to take her sweet time and arrived late last night. All day I could tell she was coming. I was in a crap-tastic mood, I was cramping, and I was stuck in the normal "auto pilot-period brain". It also seemed as if all I could think about was the miscarriage in Nov :| I kept reliving all the details in my head as if it happened yesterday. I felt so much emotion creeping in that after Josh went to bed I poured a big glass of wine and sobbed like a baby. I realized after crying last night, that I had not cried much throughout January. November & December were so very hard to get through. January was full of anger and frustration. You could say that I was living in a very dark place, yet trying to be normal.
So yea, I was a hot mess last night.
This morning when I woke up I felt lighter than I had the night before. I got out of bed, looked at my self in the mirror and actually smiled a big happy smile. I felt like I had not even done that in a while, or at least if I had it was one of those pretend fake smiles... Today was the real deal.
I called my RE office this morning and spoke with Coral! She sounded happy to hear my voice, which made me feel a little special. I'm scheduled to go into the office on Monday morning at 10:00 am for my baseline ultrasound. Eeeek!!! As long as my uterine lining and ovary's look good, I'll pick up the Letrozole and we'll be on our way to IUI #2 sometime around Valentines Day :) If all goes well, we'll know by the end of the month if it worked. *gulp* *sigh* I'm so nervous, but I will happily welcome the hot flashes and mood swings if we get a baby out of all this!
Okay, I'm just going to say it. . . Where the hell is Winter? It was freaking 75 degrees today and it is January *stomps feet* :| I feel totally jipped and robbed of my precious dreary days, and frosty nights *sigh* Not cool Mother Nature. . .
Not cool :|
I feel like I've been avoiding my blog a bit. Not that I haven't had anything to say, because I have. . . I've just had a lot going on in my head. So much, that I could barely even get my Vegas blog out. My brain was cluttered up with so many other thoughts and feelings. Goodness.
I have been feeling anxious and restless... Oh, and you can add a bucket of anger along with it. Some mornings I wake up in a pissed off mood, still angry at what transpired in November. Angry that we have to go through this all over again. I hate feeling that way, but I can't push it away anymore, I have to feel it until there is nothing left to feel. The last few months have been really hard since the miscarriage, I feel like I have pushed certain feelings aside in order to make it through daily life without being a depressed mess. Hell - just making it through the Holidays was a job. It has been hard, harder than I have recently cared to admit.
Small amounts of excitement have started to creep back in to my heart. . . I officially have only a week and a few days until I finish my Birth Control. Eeek! I will call the Fertility office on CD 1, go in for my baseline ultrasound on CD 3, hopefully all will look good and I can pick up my Letrozole and be on our way to IUI # 2. Fingers are crossed that there are no speed bumps. I'm over speed bumps and ready to get this show on the road.
I admit that it feels kind of strange being weeks away from doing another IUI. . . Weren't we just there a few months ago? It already feels different this time. I feel like a wounded warrior going back into battle. This time going in, I will not let me heart be hurt so easily. I will guard my self and my thoughts as best as I can. It feels like it all happened yesterday, and yet it will be three months on Feb 9th. My poor little Bean. So many things are running through my head, I have never felt so vulnerable. I'm feeling deep emotions and lots of them. I am excited, fearful, hopeful, nervous and scared to death all at the same time. It feels like I'm riding huge waves of emotions the closer we get. I want so badly for it to work again, just like it did last time. I pray that if it does work, that it sticks. . . I am so afraid of another loss. My heart can't take much more. All I can do is think positively and if it doesn't work we'll try one more time.
I recently started Video Blogging and created a Youtube Channel :) For anyone that wants to follow along, please do! And if any of you ladies out there Video Blog let me know - I'd love to follow your stories as well!!
Today the Gods smiled upon me ♥ and I am smiling back.
I went in this morning at 9:30am for my first Sonogram...
And.... Everything looks Great!!! Our little "contamination" is in the right spot and growing fast! I go back on Tuesday to see the heartbeat! I am the happiest girl in the world today! I feel so extremely blessed... I don't even have words to describe the incredible feeling I have within me...
*sigh*
I'm crying as I type this, and let me tell you - they are the happiest tears I've ever cried and I can't stop. I go from crying to laughing, to crying back to laughing. I sobbed on the phone with my Brother and Grandma before even leaving the parking lot of the Fertility office.. lol It has been an amazing day and I am truly blessed beyond anything I could possibly imagine ♥
AF came last week after being a week late. I didn't even buy a pregnancy test because I knew deep within that I was in-fact not pregnant, that my body was just playing games with me. I was sick last week and on antibiotics so that may have had something to do with it. Once it finally got here I was soo excited to go in and get the ball rolling on this IUI or as I like to call it the "TBP" meaning....*turkey basting procedure*. The plan was to see my fertility doctor today, check the lining of my uterus and my ovaries, pick up and start taking the Letrazole and be a happy little clam on my way to possible baby-bliss. That is totally not how it went down :(
I worked late last night and went to bed at 2am knowing I had to be up at 8 this morning. What can I say...I was nervous. As if I was waiting for the first day of school and so I got sucked into lame internet crap and couldn't shut my brain off. Josh woke me up and I literally had to drag myself out of the bed. I made it out of the house and to the doctors office on time...so I'm proud of myself for that!
Jennicka, the *infertile receptionist* greeted me with her normal bubbly chit-chat and then I waited for what felt like forever but I'm sure it was all of 10 minutes. I got weighed, poked with needles and had my blood pressure taken..which was fantastic as always. I went into the little room, dropped my drawers and got as comfortable as I could possibly get...considering I had my legs in stirrups. First was the pelvic exam and ladies you all know what that's like. For you guys that are possibly reading..you really don't want to know. Dr. Laura immediately noticed that I have a tilted uterus and that my left ovary was larger. She joked "maybe you just have really healthy ovaries" lol. The sonogram showed otherwise. I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary :( I could feel the pain and tenderness from it as she moved the sonogram wand around and I could see it on the screen. My first thought was "oh crap, that's what that is" I've felt the tenderness of this for several months and my gynecologist never thought it necessary to do a sonogram...errr! It is most likely a cyst caused by endometriosis. Most women will get cysts during their cycles and they normally just go away, it's actually pretty common. This is a different type, one that most likely will not go away on it's own because it's blood filled instead of fluid filled. So we are unable to start the IUI this month *sniff sniff*. I have to wait 4 weeks and go back in for a follow-up. If the cyst is still there I'll have to wait another 2 weeks, then go to Radiology Associates and they will do a more in-depth sonogram and decide if I need surgery. If I need surgery they will cut out the cyst, assess the damage to the ovary and surrounding area, possibly remove any other area's that are affected and send tissues samples to pathology to rule out cancer.
As I put my cloths back on and sat there, I really don't know what was going through my mind. I was so focused on not bursting into tears that I put on that fake happy face and for the moment pretended that I was not at all affected by this news. I paid Jennicak my 50 dollar co-pay, tried to smile my way through signing my receipt as she quietly looked at me and whispered "I'm so sorry". I felt comforted...knowing she knows exactly how I must have been feeling at that very moment since she herself has been infertile for several years. I made it into the elevator, out the front doors, and half way through the parking garage before the first tears escaped. I felt lost driving away. Like I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend this was really just a sick April fools joke. I stopped by josh's job to get a cig, but really I just wanted to see his face and hear his voice. I saw him only for a few minutes, long enough to tell him that we couldn't start the IUI and that I had a cyst, I didn't really go into detail and contained myself from crying since he was at work. He knew instantly that I had been crying, he knows me too well.
I walked out the door and cried the whole way home. I felt so sad inside and I felt like I didn't want to burden anyone with my stupid sad issue. I did but I didn't if that makes sense. I know that sounds silly, because I have plenty of people who love and support me...but I could not pick up the phone to call anyone except for my Grandmother. I called her and instantly broke down on the phone, I sobbed as if someone had died, I wanted her to be right there to hold me in her arms and stroke my hair. I knew she would pour sugary words of love all over me and tell me how much it was going to be okay, that she loved me and that she was so sorry for the hurt in inside my heart. She calmed me down and then I called Sheila, my amazing mother in-law. I tried not to really cry because I have this uncontrollable need and feeling to be strong so no one needs feel bad for me or pity me. But as soon as I start talking with Sheila...her sweet words of kindness and love bring down my walls, I love her so much. I text Anna a short of everything :) and called my Mom :) They all helped me though this morning. They are my female tribe ♥ They lift me up when I am sad and hurting.
I ran a hot bath, turned on some good music and cried while shaving my legs...lol. Josh called to say he was coming home early and I started to feel relieved that I would get to see him before work, that now I could truly make it through the rest of the day without crying. Just to see him, smell him and feel his touch, his strong arms hugging me...was all I needed to make me feel better. We talked about everything and he just let me vent it all out. He made me feel like I was going to be okay, that we were okay, and that this will just be more of the story we tell our child someday. I think he might have even felt a little better that it wasn't just the morphology that's hindering our journey :) I love that man with all my freaking heart and it's days like today that I know deep within my soul that I will love him forever even if we are never able to have babies. We have something great and if parenthood isn't in our cards then he and our animals will be enough to fill my heart with love, adventure and peace. We've gone this long with just one another hahaha. The emotional pain of going through all of this is rough and to know that he is right there by my side let's me know that we can get through anything together.
Luckily I made it through work without a single tear! However...writing this blog, I've already cried several times and yet I feel so much better than I did this morning. I've let everything wash over me and now I'm drying off. I can't just walk around depressed and sad. I have to move on from those feelings and get through the next month!! I don't want to be that "Crazy Infertile" who people whisper about.
