Sometimes you want to pull your hair out.

No IUI this month :|

*sigh*

Here is the short...

Yesterday was not that great *sad face*.

Love wise it was wonderful. I'm blessed with a fabulous Husband who cooks me amazing food ♥ We never got to have our picnic the other day, because it was freezing outside, but he cooked steak on the grill which was even better! All year I've bitched about not having a winter and then suddenly out of no where, she decided to stop being so damn shy. We'll do a picnic next month perhaps... maybe around my Birthday

Any-who. . .

Fertility wise - Yesterday sucked. I cried on my way home from work, uggg. I went to my appointment at 12:15 made it back to work by 1:20. Thankfully it was so busy that I didn't have time to be emotional about anything. So as soon as I got in the car to go home everything flooded my brain, and I cried a river in my car.

Let's just say I'll be getting another CA-125 test done, because the mass/blood sausage in my baby-making-oven is just too big for its own britches, meaning it is getting so large and awkward looking that surgery might have to happen anyway. Eeerrrrrrr. They want to make sure it has not turned into ovarian cancer, so they are doing the CA-125 test to make sure my numbers are about the same as last time. I was listed at 146 in May or June of last year which was high, but not super high. Normal numbers are around 25 - I think. We know the number will be high, because of my Endometriosis, so if it is about the same (146) we'll know that it is probably just the Endo going crazy. If the number goes really high they will send me to radiology and then an oncologist. I don't foresee any of that happening, I went through this once before so I'm not really worried. Woman with Endo have higher chances of ovarian cancer, so they just want to be extra cautious.

This month my left ovary decided it wanted all the attention. I have several really good sized follies on the left, and one egg on the right ovary. The left tube is sitting in a sac of standing blood. It is gross. It sucks. It makes me sooo mad. She said we still have a chance because of the egg on the right side, but didn't really recommend doing it, and who in their right mind would take that chance??? What a risk...how stupid and what a waste of money it would be. So we'll wait till next month as long as my CA-125 comes back ok. She said if we wanted to just try on our own this month that would be okay since I did take Letrozole, and we have one lone egg that could turn into a super egg... one can only hope, lol.

No IUI makes me a very unhappy, I've been looking forward to this for months... It was that carrot at the end of the stick that I was chasing. The thoughts of getting started again helped me get through the last several months of deep depression. I. effing. hate. waiting. And I. effing. hate. endo. - And, it is not like you can so oh, well we'll try tomorrow... No... no, it's a whole freaking month, and that doesn't even guarantee that my right ovary will work next month, we just have to hope.

I'm buying wine tonight...

I hope all of you Ladies had a great Valentines Day!!!

And... because I'm pretty sure it is socially unacceptable to get trashed before work at 10:30 in the morning - I'm going to go work out in hopes that it will free my mind ♥

IUI # 2 Canceled :| Vlog Update

Living in the funk...

Blah - freaking blah! That is what I have to say about today. Ugh...

I feel like I need to cry, scream, pout, stomp my feet, feel sorry for myself or all of the above. I'm not 100% sure why, I just know it's in there *my tears* waiting for the perfect moment of silence to unleash a flood of salty emotions across my face. I hate being in a funk like this...Errr :/ I hate when I feel my emotions have taken over the wheel and are happily playing a cruel trick on me.

I need a big fat double vodka tonic on tha fly! with a lime and maybe even a shot on the side. Yep - that would definitely do the trick today.

I'm still waiting for the results from my scans. I called Coral yesterday and she said "Dr. Laura just got back home and would be logging on to review your scans sometime in the next week". She's on medical leave so I'm playing the waiting game still. It's not her fault and it's not the worst thing in the world but good-lord it frustrates me beyond anything. It feels like July is forever away. Coral said that I probably wouldn't know anything about my scans until my pre-op visit. Unless Dr. Laura sees something of concern other than the cyst's, then she'll call and let Coral know who will then call me... My CA-125 levels were elevated to a 146 and I still don't really know whether that's a problem, I guess they really don't know either until surgery. Coral said that Dr. Laura would try and get with me before my pre-op but in all honesty it looks like I'll just be waiting till July. So I guess no news is good news in this case. I'm bummed though...I just want to get past this and move on, I feel as if I'm stuck like Chuck and my patients are starting to get thin *they weren't very thick to begin with*. The worst part is that I have no control over anything and I just have to wait it out some more! *very long sigh* In June it will officially be a year since we started seeing someone for our infertility problems and we are pretty much in the same place as before. Yes I know, we are a little bit closer, but to be honest that doesn't really mean shit to me right now... It's disappointing, seeing babies and pregnant women lately has made me feel slightly bitter inside. I've been pretty good at controlling my jealous *wanna-be-mom* feelings but it's really hard sometimes:( I know this shall pass and I won't always feel this way, but today I just have to get it all out because it's driving me crazy inside.

I feel a sad movie night coming on. Hahaha. When I get this way I usually have to watch a sappy sad movie to unleash the sadness within myself. It won't be too difficult tonight...it's been building for days and I can't wait to just leave work and have myself a personal pity party - Party of 1 please. On a side note I painted my bathroom this week and it looks pretty awesome if I do say so myself! The walls are painted in a Turquoise with chocolate brown trim :) I plan to buy more paint next week and paint the bedroom and possibly the back living room...although I'm still debating on what colors! Ugh - so many decisions when it comes to paint. Maybe that will pull me out of this bad mood I've become friends with...lol

CA 125 Levels

Waiting and more waiting - that seems to be my thing lately lol. I'm definitely learning a lot about patients these days and it feels like that's not the first time I said that either hahaha. Last Wednesday I got the blood test results back on my CA 125 test and they were elevated to a level of 146. Oddly enough that's one of my favorite numbers *inside joke and a story for another time*. I'm not exactly sure what that (146) means yet... I did some research online and normal levels are supposed to be at 35. I went for my ultrasound Friday morning and I didn't find out anything :/ It's disappointing that you're never able to find out anything until the pictures are sent elsewhere and reviewed - Booo to that! The sonogram technician said she couldn't tell me anything pretty much as soon as I came into the little room. I didn't even get a chance to ask but she immediately gave me this long spill about the procedure and how she couldn't tell me anything and that...was that! I got the feeling she get's verbally harassed by anxious patients wanting answerer right away lol. It took about 45 minutes, she did an external ultrasound and an internal ultrasound which was rather uncomfortable. She made a joke and said "your uterus is just like mine! It just kinda sits there slumped to the right" I wasn't really sure how to feel about that *smh*. It was funny how she said it, but then I felt sorry for my uterus all slumped there to the right being pathetic *bahahahha*. She took lots of pictures and made sure the screen was turned away so I couldn't see a single thing. Errr! Thank goodness I had a mini weekend trip to Oklahoma to keep my mind off things. My baby cousins, Andrew and Erica graduated High School :). I drove my grandmother to Wilburton, OK and my best friend Anna tagged along too. It was a nice drive up and back. Gas totally sucked at 3.89 a gallon but it was totally worth it to see my cousins feeling proud, confident and excited to see grandma, to know she made it... as she always said she would. I'm really proud of them both considering the difficulties they had growing up. Tomorrow is my last day off so I guess I'll do some laundry, mow the yard, figure out what color to paint the living room *which will be a battle in its self* and wait for Coral to call about my scan results! I hope everyone has a blessed week ♥