Update after RE Appt. . .

I can hardly believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. . . I must admit that the time away has been nice and even now as I try and write this post my brain is just not really with it, lol. I think the Texas heat may be frying my brain cells just a tiny bit.

We finally had our WTF appointment with my RE and talked about what the next step is for us since IUI # 3 failed. . . It was a good talk and I'm glad I got it done and over with.

Drum roll please

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IVF

(O.o)

 *pulls hair out* 

Yep, that is the only option left for us unless a miracle happens and  I get pregnant naturally. 

Hummmm. . . *scratches head*  How the heck did we get to this?!?!?

*sigh* 

 IVF will cost us anywhere from 12,500-14,500 and will get us 1 fresh IVF cycle and one FET cycle.

Mr. Pnut and I have decided that we'll save the money. *gulp* It may take a while, but eventually we'll get there. In the mean time I'll still be able to see my RE for treatment of Endometriosos *Happy Dance*. Getting to see Dr. Laura for Endo makes me so very happy and mainly, because I've already been seeing her for the last few years and she already knows my body, heck she's been inside there and knows what's up so that makes me feel very confident that I'm in good hands!!

We talked about what I should do about the Endo during the extended break before getting to IVF and she will leave it completely up to me. She doesn't want to force us to stop trying on our own, because any opportunity is an opportunity, but let's get real. Endo is ravaging my insides as we speak, so I need some way of controlling it from now until we're ready for IVF.

Right now I'm having more and more pain from my Endo, it is not just during AF, but also during sex, ovulation and other random days throughout my cycle. I've dealt with this for a very long time so, I'm kind of used to it, but knowing the pain is coming back more and more each cycle lets me know that the Endo needs to be stopped somehow if we are to have a successful IVF in the future. (I can't believe I just said that) Talking about IVF feels so foreign right now, I never thought we'd have to go that far to make a baby. . .

Dr. Laura recommends going back on BC to see if that helps the pain and to obviously control the growth, if that does not help then we'll talk about Lupron. I seriously do not want to take Lupron :| If any of you have had to go on Lupron for Endo please leave me some info, advice or anything that would be helpful please share :) Dr. Laura also advised me not to wait past 32. The longer we wait the more damage my Endo will cause, I'll be 30 in March so, this gives us a good amount of time to save up. I told Dr. Laura that I would call back in August as I'd make up my mind then on what to do about the BC. I'm about to get a visit from AF, so I plan on trying on our own for a natural cycle during July just as one last attempt on our own before walking away for the next year or so. I don't have high hopes that it will work, but who knows.

I've been thinking about possibly going on a Diet *Ahhhhhhhhhhhh* An Endo Diet that is. I wonder if I can control the Endo in a more natural way that way we still have opportunities to conceive on our own while we wait and save for IVF. So many things to think about. . . The Diet would mean big changes in my lifestyle, I'm fearful of not having the power to stick with it, lol. . . I've been doing a bit of research and it is helpful yet completely overwhelming at the same time.
 

RE Update - Vlog

I planted my Tree!!

I want to say again how grateful I am for this community and the support I have been given! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, because it means a so much to me!!

I also want to say that if you do not see many posts from me over the next few months please do not be alarmed, lol. I'm just going through emotions that require more of *me* time!! More real *me*, not *me* on the computer contemplating all things infertility. I have to heal myself, and I can't continue to do things in the same way that I have in the past. I have been immersed in the world of infertility for so long that I need to regroup and figure out how I truly want to move forward, if I want to move forward. . . In order to do that I need feel better emotionally and physically. I need to support myself more instead of just shoving myself through each month mindlessly.

I'm not giving up on trying to conceive our little miracle, but I am stepping away for a while. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. I want to be happy when I turn 30. I was miserable turning 29, waiting to see if I was pregnant since we'd done IUI right before my Birthday. It failed. I failed. Emotionally it was the worst birthday I've ever had. It was fun and I was surrounded by my awesome friends, but I was numb inside and I hate that I have let infertility steal that from me. I have become such a hermit that I'm watching my life pass by, I miss my friends and I miss being happy. We need to save money, because I don't want to waste  money on ingectables with the severity of my Endo. If we are going to save money then I want to save for IVF. My doctor says I would be a great candidate because we know I "can" get pregnant and I have plenty of eggs. I feel a sense of relief knowing we are taking an extended break. *sigh* I have had thoughts of whether or not I even want to purse IVF. . . Maybe I'm ready to walk away and find peace with it all right now. I have been battling these thoughts very intensely as of late. I think if anything we'll always try no matter what, and if it happens well then so be it. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I can't deal with this my whole life. . . I'm gonna to need to dig really deep in order to understand where I need to go from here.

I'll still be around lurking about and reading your blogs and perhaps even commenting. I hope to see many bfp's in the future for all you ladies!! And I'll probably post randomly about my life. . . Who knows *sigh*

I took the first step in my healing process by planting a tree in my backyard to remember my Little Bean. And all of *this*. This - meaning all the shit that my husband and I have been through because of Infertility, all the pain, the hurt and for each of my losses that will never be. Had I not miscarried in November we would have brought home a baby this week :| It still breaks my heart. This tree is also my hope. Because I do still have a lot of hope!! I will watch it grow and change, and I will hope with each new leaf and each new inch that I will be that much closer to my goal. A baby. A life that will be a piece of both of us, a life to carry on after ours. I feel much peace after planting my tree. I buried beneath it a sonogram picture, a short note, that first pregnancy test and my hospital bracelet with the date it all happened. . . It feels as if I set a part of my self free. I feel good about that and ready to move on with finding myself again. . .  Much love to you all ♥

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

 

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3

 

5 months already. . .

Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .

5 months already

 I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥

My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that I literally grew from a seed, (my husband actually started the seedling) Josh found the apple blossom that dropped on the ground in our back yard, shoved it in some dirt and I took care of it for the remaining season, the summer from hell (Last year), before I knew it we had a tiny little tree growing strong. So I'm going to plant that little tree on top of my box of memories. When I look at that tree growing and changing over time, I will always remember my Little Bean and how its short life affected us so deeply. It is an Apple Blossom tree which is a beautiful tree. . . it will be perfect. I am also going to get a balloon, write a note to my " Little Bean" and send it off. It will be a way for me to say goodbye, to get some closure, to put my mind at peace and to finally let go. I have learned to be more at peace since the loss, but there are still days where I am brought to tears.

I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.

I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.

I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. .  *fingers crossed*

In the mean time. . . 

I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!