Update after RE Appt. . .

I can hardly believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. . . I must admit that the time away has been nice and even now as I try and write this post my brain is just not really with it, lol. I think the Texas heat may be frying my brain cells just a tiny bit.

We finally had our WTF appointment with my RE and talked about what the next step is for us since IUI # 3 failed. . . It was a good talk and I'm glad I got it done and over with.

Drum roll please

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IVF

(O.o)

 *pulls hair out* 

Yep, that is the only option left for us unless a miracle happens and  I get pregnant naturally. 

Hummmm. . . *scratches head*  How the heck did we get to this?!?!?

*sigh* 

 IVF will cost us anywhere from 12,500-14,500 and will get us 1 fresh IVF cycle and one FET cycle.

Mr. Pnut and I have decided that we'll save the money. *gulp* It may take a while, but eventually we'll get there. In the mean time I'll still be able to see my RE for treatment of Endometriosos *Happy Dance*. Getting to see Dr. Laura for Endo makes me so very happy and mainly, because I've already been seeing her for the last few years and she already knows my body, heck she's been inside there and knows what's up so that makes me feel very confident that I'm in good hands!!

We talked about what I should do about the Endo during the extended break before getting to IVF and she will leave it completely up to me. She doesn't want to force us to stop trying on our own, because any opportunity is an opportunity, but let's get real. Endo is ravaging my insides as we speak, so I need some way of controlling it from now until we're ready for IVF.

Right now I'm having more and more pain from my Endo, it is not just during AF, but also during sex, ovulation and other random days throughout my cycle. I've dealt with this for a very long time so, I'm kind of used to it, but knowing the pain is coming back more and more each cycle lets me know that the Endo needs to be stopped somehow if we are to have a successful IVF in the future. (I can't believe I just said that) Talking about IVF feels so foreign right now, I never thought we'd have to go that far to make a baby. . .

Dr. Laura recommends going back on BC to see if that helps the pain and to obviously control the growth, if that does not help then we'll talk about Lupron. I seriously do not want to take Lupron :| If any of you have had to go on Lupron for Endo please leave me some info, advice or anything that would be helpful please share :) Dr. Laura also advised me not to wait past 32. The longer we wait the more damage my Endo will cause, I'll be 30 in March so, this gives us a good amount of time to save up. I told Dr. Laura that I would call back in August as I'd make up my mind then on what to do about the BC. I'm about to get a visit from AF, so I plan on trying on our own for a natural cycle during July just as one last attempt on our own before walking away for the next year or so. I don't have high hopes that it will work, but who knows.

I've been thinking about possibly going on a Diet *Ahhhhhhhhhhhh* An Endo Diet that is. I wonder if I can control the Endo in a more natural way that way we still have opportunities to conceive on our own while we wait and save for IVF. So many things to think about. . . The Diet would mean big changes in my lifestyle, I'm fearful of not having the power to stick with it, lol. . . I've been doing a bit of research and it is helpful yet completely overwhelming at the same time.
 

RE Update - Vlog

I planted my Tree!!

I want to say again how grateful I am for this community and the support I have been given! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, because it means a so much to me!!

I also want to say that if you do not see many posts from me over the next few months please do not be alarmed, lol. I'm just going through emotions that require more of *me* time!! More real *me*, not *me* on the computer contemplating all things infertility. I have to heal myself, and I can't continue to do things in the same way that I have in the past. I have been immersed in the world of infertility for so long that I need to regroup and figure out how I truly want to move forward, if I want to move forward. . . In order to do that I need feel better emotionally and physically. I need to support myself more instead of just shoving myself through each month mindlessly.

I'm not giving up on trying to conceive our little miracle, but I am stepping away for a while. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. I want to be happy when I turn 30. I was miserable turning 29, waiting to see if I was pregnant since we'd done IUI right before my Birthday. It failed. I failed. Emotionally it was the worst birthday I've ever had. It was fun and I was surrounded by my awesome friends, but I was numb inside and I hate that I have let infertility steal that from me. I have become such a hermit that I'm watching my life pass by, I miss my friends and I miss being happy. We need to save money, because I don't want to waste  money on ingectables with the severity of my Endo. If we are going to save money then I want to save for IVF. My doctor says I would be a great candidate because we know I "can" get pregnant and I have plenty of eggs. I feel a sense of relief knowing we are taking an extended break. *sigh* I have had thoughts of whether or not I even want to purse IVF. . . Maybe I'm ready to walk away and find peace with it all right now. I have been battling these thoughts very intensely as of late. I think if anything we'll always try no matter what, and if it happens well then so be it. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I can't deal with this my whole life. . . I'm gonna to need to dig really deep in order to understand where I need to go from here.

I'll still be around lurking about and reading your blogs and perhaps even commenting. I hope to see many bfp's in the future for all you ladies!! And I'll probably post randomly about my life. . . Who knows *sigh*

I took the first step in my healing process by planting a tree in my backyard to remember my Little Bean. And all of *this*. This - meaning all the shit that my husband and I have been through because of Infertility, all the pain, the hurt and for each of my losses that will never be. Had I not miscarried in November we would have brought home a baby this week :| It still breaks my heart. This tree is also my hope. Because I do still have a lot of hope!! I will watch it grow and change, and I will hope with each new leaf and each new inch that I will be that much closer to my goal. A baby. A life that will be a piece of both of us, a life to carry on after ours. I feel much peace after planting my tree. I buried beneath it a sonogram picture, a short note, that first pregnancy test and my hospital bracelet with the date it all happened. . . It feels as if I set a part of my self free. I feel good about that and ready to move on with finding myself again. . .  Much love to you all ♥

Thank you everyone!!

I just want to to say Thank you so much to everyone for your support and wonderful comments. You truly helped lift my spirits and I really can't express in the right words what that means to me. I was in a very dark place, but I am feeling better today and a little more like me. I'm planting my little tree tomorrow and hope that it will help bring even more peace my way. I'm scheduling a consult appointment with my RE so the Husband and I can sit and discuss where we go from here. . . 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your sweet, honest and supportive words ♥ 

IUI #3 = BFN Vlog

That time again - May ICLW

Welcome, May ICLWers!!

Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*

If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.

I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!

Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe. 

This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.

*fingers crossed*


 

IUI# 3 CD -12 Follicle check!

Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.

Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
 
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!

I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . .  I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.

I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???

I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope 

with all my heart that this is our lucky # 3 ♥

IUI # 3 Vlog

 

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

 

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3

 

April Fools Day 2012

AF arrived today - Happy April fools Day, sorry your IUI failed. Haha :)

April first is never really a great day for me or at least it hasn't proven so over the last few years lol. Last year I remember going in on April 1st, it was CD 3 and my first baseline for what was supposed to be my first IUI, I felt on top of the world, only we found a huge cyst on my left ovary, so that threw a major roadblock in our path and I was crushed in an instant. it did lead to my surgery which was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

I'm going to call the fertility office in the morning and let my Doctor know that my period arrived and see if she has any suggestions for this month, or just let her know we're taking a month break :) I already feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me, and I feel good about not doing anything this month!! I need a girls night out on the town, and not being on meds or having to time things will make a night out much more enjoyable, plus getting to have an normal sex life for a month sounds pretty amazing - no stress, is my kinda thing!!

We ripped out the carpet in our back living room today and if felt great!! I feel as thought I released a lot of residual anger from this failed cycle, Plus the Pnut and I make a great team ♥ Have a Great week everyone!!

After ripping the carpet out I needed yet another project to keep me occupied, so I made a slide show video form our Vegas trip pictures!!

Beta Results for IUI #2

Thank you to everyone for the amazing support, comments, advice, sweet thoughts, crossed fingers, positive vibes and hugs that were sent my way - You all truly helped me get through this week of *infertility torture* - Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥


Since the *faint line* catastrophe, I've been living on the edge of my emotions, and my poor Pnut has been hiding in my shadows trying to avoid the *Crito Craziness* It has not been fun, nor easy, but I'm glad to get off this ride, at least for now.

Beta was Negative

I feel a huge amount of sadness, frustration, anger and best of all, relief!!!

*sigh*

The last few days have been emotionally torturous. Yes I know that sounds extremely dramatic, but it is the freaking truth. . . and anyone on the "IF" journey can attest to what I'm talking about. Waiting is draining. Investing your money and emotions is draining. Having it not work in the end is even more draining. Infertility alone is draining. Uggggg.

AF has not officially arrived, so I do not yet know where we go from here. We most likely won't be doing treatment for April since my left side is about as useful as a shredded up dollar bill. I will call the Fertility office when AF arrives and Dr. Laura and I will come up with a plan of action. I feel angry that this IUI didn't work, I feel like we put so much into it, errrrr. . . But I feel grateful that we will hopefully be able to do it again soon. The next time I will request a a trigger shot so that there is absolutely no confusion about my LH Surge, it will make me feel a lot better. I will also never buy the Walgreens brand blue dye/pregnancy tests... I will admit that if felt kinda nice to *think* I was pregnant for a day. Oh well. . . I'm going to enjoy April and try to not be such a hermit, I'm also going to have a huge glass of wine tonight, because not only do I deserve it, I need it more than you know.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, and I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs, I've been a bad blogger and got behind this week. I plan to catch up on Sunday

Beta Vlog!!

Humm... not too sure!

First off - Thank you all sooooo much for all the supportive and positive comments you left on my page yesterday and today. It means so much to me! I hate to be negative, but I had to get it out yesterday!!

Today is CD 26 and I am 12DPIUI

After my emotional freakout yesterday I decided I would test this morning after Josh went to work. And I did. I got a super, super faint line, so faint you can barely tell that it is there, so faint I feel like my brain might have made it up.

This pic is not the best, but it was the only one to actually show this *line* I speak of!

I'm obviously not convinced that it is a necessarily a positive test, so I'm definitely going to test again in the morning to see if it shows up again... OMG, omg, omg... I'm totally freaking out here. Please don't' let this be an Evap line, please, oh please don't let this be a joke. . .

Vlogs!!

IUI #2 is cleared!!

Well Ladies and Gents. . . We are officially cleared for IUI #2 this week!!!

Eeeek ♥

I first wanted to say - Thanks for all the sweet comments and well wishes the other day about getting better! My antibiotics kicked in and now I'm feeling like a million bucks!!

________________________________________________________

Today was March 12th - CD 11 and there is still no pain on my left side!! *happy dance* I went into the Fertility office today for a follicle check and my right ovary is looking like the "shinning star" as Dr. Laura so casually said, lol. And shinning she was :) I had a 17mm, 18mm, and 2 or 3 12mm follicles that might play catch up over the next few days - either way that is totally awesome news!! They will continue to grow over the next 3 days and be great sized eggs when I surge. *sigh* I can't believe we are here again... days away from doing another IUI. I'm hopeful and scared... We did an our last IUI on September 13th and it resulted in a pregnancy which then resulted in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I'm so excited I could possibly throw up - so much nervousness is running through my body, but I feel sooo excited at the same time! I just have to remain positive and calm.



I took some pictures tonight of Venus and Jupiter in the evening sky. It is a rare event, one that the northern hemisphere normally doesn't get the privilege to see. I know it sounds silly, but I'm just "that girl" that thinks everything is a sign, haha. I kinda feel like the planet alignment is a sign, lol that the heavens are speaking to me and me alone... Even Mars, my ruling planet is in the night sky for all to see - wow, I'm very hormonal at the moment - hehehe. I have always been attracted to science and space, and this amazing star alignment is happening right now, right at this very important step in our lives, it has to mean something, and if it doesn't well then it was sure pretty to see :) I just feel so positive about this cycle and I can't help it :)

I hope everyone has a Great week ♥


IUI #2 CD - 11 Follicle Check - Vlog




Follow my blog with Bloglovin

CD - 3 IUI # 2 w/Letrozole

Our February "trying on our own" Cycle was a BFN. AF came on Friday and I could not have been more happy!! Obviously I was a little bummed that I didn't magically get pregnant on my own, but I'm really excited about this month so I'm not going to let myself feel negative! *Eeek*

I started taking Letrozole today so I'm sure I can expect the hot flashes to kick in tomorrow... at least they are not as bad as when I used to take Clomid, that was ridiculous! I'm already scheduled to go in on March 12th for a follicle check. I ovulated from the left side last month and Dr. Laura confirmed that on my baseline Friday. I went in on Friday CD 1, because Dr. Laura will be out next week. I wore my orange socks (I think they could be lucky, lol) Thank goodness AF came when she did. I would have been so upset if I could not make timing this month. Then we'd have to wait this month and another month just to get back on the right side - talk about frustrating. So... I should definitely ovulate from the right side this month *fingers crossed* that all goes according to plan :)

Does anyone taking Letrozole(Femara) notice loose joints? My hips and shoulders start to ache, and when I walk my hip joints feel like they might come unhinged... Hummm. It's not that bad just annoying more than anything since I'm on my feet for most of my day. Yesterday when I got to work I helped load up for the Bridal show and today my right wrist is soooo sore. Uggg. LOL Joint pain or what ever, I'll take it if that results in a successful IUI this month, lol. I'm ready and sooo excited to see what happens for us. I looked at timing and we may get to do our IUI on St. Patrick's day *sigh* that would be so awesome.

And if it works that would give us an early early December Baby, and early Christmas present *sigh*. My heart will have to survive on hope... pure hope and faith - that we are meant to be parents.

Have a great day Everyone!

Youtube Vlog!!
IUI #2 / CD - 3 w/Letrozole (March)

Trying on our own!!

First off I just wanted to say Thank you to everyone for all the amazingly supportive and sweet comments ♥ You really made my day. I logged on after posting my blog and was blown away by all the responses I got. - Thank you all again for lifting me up!!

So I got my LH Surge (positive opk) yesterday on 2.16.2012 on CD 14.

I called the fertility office to let them know, Coral said to go ahead and try on our own since we have the one lone egg on the right side - so who knows what can happen!! I have a bit of a renewed spirit today and hope that my right egg turns into a super egg, lol. One can only hope. So I guess this officially starts the 2WW for me. I'm not getting overly excited, because we've tried for the last 7 years on our own and not had luck... But I hold out hope that anything can happen!!

Coral called me yesterday evening to let me know that my CA-125 came back within normal range!!!! Wooohooo!!! So no need to worry about anything crazy going on in the *baby making oven*. It also let's us know that most likely it is the "Blood sausage" that is creating all the issues right now. No surgery just yet, unless of course something ruptures. Uggg. That is never fun. That happened to me last April and I thought I was dying, lol. It was the most painful experience I've ever had.

Happy Friday to everyone and Baby Dust to all ♥