Great Papa & The end of the 2WW

I'm sitting here in our Hotel room watching, and listening to my husband snooze away pretty hard core! The room is dark, chilly and quiet... I like it. He's had a difficult last few days. We went to lunch after spending the morning with his Papa, he had 4 beers, and the waitress gave him a shot on the house. She was really sweet, and full of Louisiana charm. I'm enjoying the quiet time right now, and I'm glad to know he's actually sleeping, whether it's alcohol induced or not, he hasn't slept well the last few nights. Besides, Josh has never been a big drinker so I don't mind if he indulges a little more right now, give the situation. He has never lost anyone really... I mean maybe a few great aunts and great uncles, but all of his Grandparents are still currently living.

We travel to Lake Charles, Louisiana about once a year to see all of Josh's family. We originally had a trip planed the first week of October (next week) Josh's Mom called Thursday to say we may want to travel to Lake Charles sooner rather then later, because His Papa ("Jug" - George Washington Ryan III), was sent home with Hospice care, and not expected to have much time left. We drove down on Friday, and have been over everyday since we got here. This morning seemed hard for him. It's strange to watch someone go, and even more difficult to fully explain all the emotions that run though your mind. Josh was by his side, and held his hand all morning. He's not even really my Papa by blood, but it brings tears to my eyes at times, and reminds me of when I had to let go of my own Papa so long ago :/ Jug has lived such a long and full life, he has been such a great example of a human being to all that he meets, all his children and grandchildren. I think just watching my husband hold back tears of his own sadness in order to be strong for his now weak Papa, is really what makes me cry. It's a softer side of Josh that I forget is there. Josh, like most men, doesn't show his emotions often, yet somehow I can always tell when he's fighting to keep a straight face. *sigh* I only feel sad for everyone's heart, and how much they will truly miss him when he is no longer here, he's always been such a funny guy :) He is moving onto a new journey... To say it is unfair for him to go, would be an inappropriate statement, because he was blessed with 93, relatively healthy years of life that involved family, laughter and true friendships... He is a great man, or as Miranda would say he is "Great Papa"!

On a fertility note - Tomorrow is exactly two weeks since the actual IUI.. Eeeek!!

The last 4 mornings as soon as I wake up I want to immediately take a PG test, but somehow I have managed to control myself. How?!?! Probably only because we are not home, and we have everything else going on to keep my mind off that particular subject. If you were to ask me a week ago if I thought it worked, I would have said yes, if you ask me yesterday I would have said no, if you ask me now, I'd say maybe. My brain is going to explode soon - Humph... I hate this whole waiting part. My nips are still tender, I have not felt nauseous like I did with the apple those two days in a row, but I have felt tired...ugh - who knows. Everyone here in Lake Charles has been looking curiously at me, and asking me things like "is there a baby in there" or "Any News" - Ahhhhh. I can feel them all wondering, hehe.

Tomorrow (Josh's 31st Birthday) I'm taking a PG test for sure! I've had two of them stashed in my purse for over a week and half now, lol. I'm so nervous about taking taking them I could throw up, and I just know my heart will be broken if I get a negative :/ The first morning I woke up and wanted to take one, I got up to go pee had the stick in hand and then put it back up, I went back to bed, fell into a light sleep, and dreamed that I peed on a PG test and got two lines... When I woke up, I was so happy and excited, lol I thought it was a sign! Everything these day's is a sign. If we did get knocked up we'll have a June Baby! Neither Josh or myself has family with a June Birthday :) That's my sign this time around... hahahaha Like I said, there is always a sign when you are TTC. So yes, test tomorrow... I kind of want to wait until either I'm late (by wed) or until we are home from Louisiana before testing, so I don't have to be sad and depressed here, or overjoyed and unable to share my news. I don't know that announcing a pregnancy when someone is passing on, is an appropriate time for that kinda thing, but I can't take the waiting any longer. And I'm not going to share with the world, but I will with my family because they have been with us every step of the way!! They pretty much know when I start now, hahaha

Tomorrow my period is due! I'm pretty sure if I am pregnant it would show up on a test, I don't really feel like I'm going to start tomorrow; so I'm going to pull up my big girl panties, and pee on the damn stick. If it's negative, then it's negative... I will be sad, I will want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a week, I will hate my body, I will hate everything, but once I cry it all out, I will move forward, and get over it with time. I am ready! And, we will try again if this round didn't work. I honestly don't think I've been this nervous about taking a pregnancy test, since that very first round of Clomid. My cycle was way late, I tested and tested - nothing... I was broken hearted, and tortured with fake pregnancy symptoms, only to find out it was a cyst that eventually ruptured. *sigh* - Waiting is such a sucky process, haha. I don't want those feelings of sadness, and loss of hope to come back, and steal away my excitement... Ahhhhh I'm ready to just - let it be

My fingers, eye's, toes and legs are crossed for two lines in the morning. *please, oh please, oh... please with sugar on top - let this be our month*!!

Lake Charles Trip 2010

Josh and I made the pilgrimage home to Lake Charles, Louisiana to see his family and it was fantastic. It's been quite a while since we went down for a visit. The trip was a great getaway from the stresses of working and everyday life. We left out early Tuesday morning and of course I woke up with the sun and was so excited I could not go back to sleep. So I finished up the packing, waited for my mom to come over, got the dogs fed and the trash out to the curb. It was about 7 hours to get there…the drive was very..very long. GPS told us to go the new way… so we decided to be a little adventurous and do it. We got there with no problem and the drive was very scenic, we went through several small towns…the kind of towns you blink and they’re gone. We got in at about 6:45 and made it to Popou’s house.. It was his birthday so Nanny, Josh and I joined him at Outback for dinner and it was delish! After dinner we went to bed pretty early, we were both pretty tired from driving all day and when I mean early I mean like 8:30 and that is really early for me. I’m normally a late night owl and I was exhausted.
Every time I’ve gone to Louisiana it has been a quick trip and we’ve never really had much time to do anything else other than visit with family and then head back…so Wednesday morning after breakfast Josh gave me a tour of Lake Charles!! We went to the downtown area and new civic center on the lakefront. It was like a mini beach with
pretty sand and a plethora of shells to collect. We rode around town and went to lunch at Hollier’s Cajun Kitchen. Talk about real authentic Cajun food! It was really good.. Josh and I both had the crawfish etouffee… we were definitely stuffed when we left. After lunch Josh and I went to the Ryan’s house and Mamaw made Josh’s favorite meal… roast rice and gravy with potato salad, I scarfed everything down so fast..Josh even had seconds. I need to learn how to make it for him someday :) After dinner we had wine and chatted with the Ryan’s for a while it's always so nice seeing them..you can really talk for hours and not realize it. The next morning we had breakfast with the Ryan’s and then Kate and Irene came to see us!After that we went to Starbucks to get our internet fix..Josh would probably say it was my internet fix but I know he enjoyed too. We spent the afternoon swimming in the pool and Nanny and Popou’s house. I never knew that Nanny was a smoker..hehe We had a cig on the back patio with her..I think she liked it. There is nothing like having a pool all to yourself, it was deep, clean, pretty, sparkly and had a diving board…needless to say we had a blast. I learned that Josh is quite a fish in the water *giggle* and he has
great form when it comes to diving. He’s so freaking cute…I love him so much! Josh drove me out to the Camp on the bayou that Josh’s papa “Jugg” George Washington Ryan built with his own hands. Josh spent his summers out at the camp with the Ryan's and with the Bernard's..both set's lived in lake Charles only a few minutes from one another. I think the Ryan's lived at the camp for at least more than 10 years while one of their children lived in their home..They are an awesome family to be apart of..I feel very blessed! It was really neat to see the camp..this place I’ve so often heard him talk about. It is for sale now. The Ryan’s are now in their nineties and just really don’t have the ability to keep up with it any longer. During hurricane Katrina and Rita the camp suffered damage when the bayou flooded…so it’s a little run down now. I really wish that Josh and I could somehow save it and keep it in the family. It’s just something you have to see for yourself I guess, just being there I could feel the happiness that echoed out. I was really glad that I got to see it in person before it’s sold. Josh seemed really happy to see it again too..I could see and read his thoughts as all his childhood memories of the camp kind of washed over him…sad in some ways. The night before we left Josh and I drove out to the casino’s on the lake…I've never in my life been gambling or even stepped foot in a casino. It was a fabulous experience, we were pretty cheap and only spent 20 dollars each. (That is the secret to not losing all your money Ive heard..lol) I won my money back on the first slot machine…talk about beginners luck!!

It was a great trip and it was so lovely getting to see everyone. We are definitely going to make this a yearly trip..

peace.love.freckles