Birthday realizations, oh boy.

So, I turned 33 years old last Friday. 

Whoa...

Thirty freaking...Three. 

I feel like I may blink and be 36 before long. 

My sister, Natalie, and a few of my really close girlfriends met up at my house so we could Uber to Downtown. A few more friends joined us downtown and we had dinner at Del Frisco's Grille. After that we hit up a few bars for drinks and dancing!! 

It was a very much needed night out and, Josh, being the awesome husband he is, stayed home with the circus. I nursed, Olivia, right up until we left and she barely even fussed. She woke up once, took a bottle for, Josh, and passed out on his shoulder before he could even put her back down.

I had a blast!! I felt like "Me" again. Like the fun, Crystal, that has been hiding behind the "Mom" label I now associate with on a daily basis. And not that being a mom is bad in any way - I love being a Mom!! 

There are just moments where I forget who I am outside of being a mother and wife so, it felt nice to feel part of "me" again. 

It was also just great being out of the house, getting dressed, laughing, dancing and talking about adult things with my best gal-pals. 

I often look at my birthday as my own personal New Year. I try and look back over my last year of life and think about what things I want to take care of, what things I want to change or what things I need to work on in general. 

I don't exactly make resolutions, but I go through this entire mental breakdown of my current truths and try to see it all for what it really is.

I have decided. . . 

this year. . .  

My weight needs to come first, because this shit ain't no joke and it is out of control. *sad face*

Well, obviously my family comes first above anything, but for my personal growth, my weight is top priority this year.

My current weight situation makes me feel completely sad and depressed and I have to do something.

I know "inside" is what is supposed to define a person, and for the most part I truly believe that, but looking at myself, 60 pounds overweight and the heaviest I've ever been, makes me want to crawl into a hole and never look at myself again, lol.

Seeing myself this weekend, in pictures, makes me feel horrible about myself. 

Like, who is this chunky girl, with a double chin, and healthy looking muffin-top?!? 

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

It's me. . .  just a fluffier me.

This is the photo that did it for me. I can even remember telling my friend, please don't forget to crop out my fat, oh looooord. How sad.

I feel like I needed this visual realization to get some sort of motivation going so I can get started on taking care of myself. I need to be a healthier, more fit person again. I know if I don't start trying to lose the weight  now. . . it will only get harder as time goes by. Plus, I could even start to gain even more weight from being depressed and not caring about my health. 

Going through two pregnancies has certainly done a number on my body, and lets be real. 

I'm totally over weight for my height.

Totally out of shape. 

I'm a fat girl right now.

It sucks. like, really, sucks. . .  

I mean, there are definitely things in life that are much, much worse, but right now, for me, this really, really sucks.

After having the boys I still needed to lose about 30-40 Ibs.

Right before I got pregnant with Olivia I was about 185-190 lbs.

After having her I'm now about 205-210 lbs

Pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF treatment I was a nice 135-140 range. 

I want to get back there... at least to the 140's. 

I know, I know... "You had 3 babies in 2 years", but still... I gained entirely too much weight and now I'm really feeling the struggle. It sucks... that is all I can say. 

I have a treadmill set up in our our front living room. Josh, recently bought me a little shelf and hung it up in front of the treadmill, so I can put the Ipad up there to watch shows, or play music while working out. 

But. . . 

I can't seem to get my ass up to do it. I feel so tired and worn out by the end of the day, and when Olivia is done nursing for the evening and finally goes to sleep it's about 9:00-9:30 pm, sometimes 10:00 pm. By that time all I want to do is go sit in the computer room with, Josh, and watch a show or, get on the internet and have some adult time. 

I honestly think I need to break my internet addiction and just get my ass in there and do the work, because this weight isn't going to magically go away. . . And breastfeeding...Haha. Breastfeeding has not helped me lose any weight. Not a drop. What an awful lie. It may work for some, but not for me. And, honestly, breastfeeding makes me soooo hungry. I feel way more hungry now than when I was actually pregnant. 

I think I'd be better off waking up 30 minutes earlier and working out before getting the kids up for the morning, but I can't seem to do it. 

I've tried.

Seriously, I have (obviously not hard enough)

I've set the alarm, and I hit snooze. . .  every. single. effing. time.

The struggle is real, folks... very real.

I'm so exhausted, and try to get any sleep I possibly can. If I'd go to bed earlier, then this would be easier to do. I feel like I need someone to come and force me out of bed in order to get it done.  

I just need to form a routine and I can get moving. I can do this... I can. I have faced more difficult situations in life, this is nothing... right!?!

Why is taking the first step always so hard? Why... WHY... WHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhy *stomps feet & pouts*

I set up a "My Fitness Pal" account yesterday... I've logged food yesterday and today... I'm hoping with tiny steps I can get myself moving in the right direction. 

I know that I am truly the only one who can do this, so I just need to put on my big girl panties and get it done!

Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes... anything would be appreciated!

The scariest moment of my life

In parenthood you face many challenges along the way. Lots of highs and lows; many moments of happiness and moments of frustration throughout your daily life as a parent. "Parenthood is not for wimps", as someone recently said to me, and they could not be more right. Sunday morning, Josh, and I experienced panic and fear in a way that I never want to experience again. 

Ronin, had a febrile seizure at about 4:00 am on Sunday morning and it is truly, by far the scariest moment of my life thus far. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and both, Josh, and I felt more helpless than we've ever felt in our lives. We handled it and got through it, as a team... and we are forever changed by that one moment in time.

Sunday afternoon we were getting ready to head out to get haircuts for the boys, because lets face it... they were looking pretty shaggy. Both boys were standing at the gate at our kitchen entrance watching me get ready. I heard a noise and turned around, to see that, Ronin, had fallen down and hit his head on the tile floor. I rushed into the kitchen where he was looked down at him and he was beginning the stages of a full blown crying/screaming moment, and his arms were shaking awkwardly now looking back. 

At first We were not sure if Armor pushed him or he just fell, but one minute he was standing there and the next he was on the ground with very jerky arm movements, and crying. They were not fussing, pushing or fighting, so I truly don't think that Armor pushed him over. Armor started crying, because Ronin was hurt. We got, Ronin, calm and settled, and he seemed okay so we got everyone loaded into the car and headed out for haircuts.

Once we got the haircuts done, I was standing there with Olivia in the stroller, holding Ronin's hand while, Josh, paid for the haircut services. Suddenly he just fell to the ground as if he lost his balance, he was not playing or bouncing around being a crazy toddler, he was just standing there very still holding my hand. I noticed he was warm as I picked him up and told, Josh, he was warm...

As soon as we got home I checked his temperature and it was 100.3, not too bad... so I decided to wait closer to bedtime to give him some Motrin. I got a blanket, pillow, cup of water and a bowl of goldfish and raisins and set him up on the couch, because as soon as we got home he went into the living area and laid down on a pillow with his blanket. That is totally not like him at all... He is two, and full of energy and for him to do that was a huge indicator that he truly didn't feel well, but he had no other symptoms of being sick. After being on the couch for a while he seemed less warm and was up and and starting to play a little bit. 

We did our normal nightly routing and got the boys to bed. I gave, Ronin, medicine for the fever even though his temp was now at 98.7 and not really feverish at all, but it was more in case he got a fever after falling asleep.

I go to bed not thinking anything more... Then... around 4:00am, which is really like 3:00am, but the time changed. Josh came running into the Olivia's room where I was sleeping, yelling my name. I jumped out of bed to see, Josh, in a state of panic and, Ronin, half limp half seizing in his arms. I instantly screamed and jumped out of bed all at the same time, and in that split second... thought my child was dying or dead the way Josh was holding him and yelling. Josh yelled "he's having a seizure, call 911" He laid him on the bed and he continued to seize, he couldn't breath and his body was locked up. Josh held him while I fumbled around trying to get my phone and trying to get my fingers to work, I called 911 and the woman on the phone was incredibly calming, and talked us through what to do, and said an ambulance was on the way. 

At this point Ronin was burning up, every inch of his body was incredibly hot... We covered him in a wet towel and turned him on to his side. We took him to the living room and set him on the couch and he began seizing again, not as intensely, but was jerking and making this strange sound as if he could not breath. Two fire trucks and an ambulance came, I met them at the door and led them in. Josh was a mess, so I went into calm mode and answered all the questions the EMT's asked... They were very kind. They took him outside and put him in the ambulance. I went and got Ronin's blanket and stuffed dog and ran out to the ambulance while Josh was inside. I sat there in the ambulance looking at my child and tears filled my eyes. I was so scared for him. I rubbed his head and pet his hair while she started getting vitals and such. Josh rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, because I needed to be with Olivia in case she got hungry, and Josh needed to be with him. Josh had seizures as a child and he was devastated that this had happened to, Ronin.

I called my mother, and she was over in about 20 minutes. . . I packed up Olivia and drove to the children's hospital where he'd been taken. I got to the hospital and he was doing better, still very weak and very warm, but he got a Popsicle (his first one ever) and was snuggled in daddy's lap. I sat on the hospital bed and he curled up in my lap with his blanket and dog... They released us around 10:30-ish, I think... We were all exhausted, worn out and traumatized by the whole experience. It was so sad to see him scared and not knowing what was happening. I have to give tons of credit to the entire nursing staff, EMT's and doctors who cared for him. They were all so very kind and gentle and it just made the experience easier to take in.

The images of him in that moment, convulsing in, Josh's, arms, unable to breathe keep popping into my head. It's scary to think of - "what if" Josh, did not hear him and check on him? The ER doctor at the children's hospital was great, and said this is can be common among young children when they get fevers rapidly, and that it is not necessarily how high the fever is, but how quickly it progresses. Ronin, was not sick at all on Sunday, and still isn't. This fever came out of no where. The doctor recommended that we alternate children's Tylenol and Motrin every three hours for future illnesses for him, because he is at risk for future seizures like this. I used to have the thought "let their body fight the fever, unless it's really bad" but... I will never think that again. . . I will not hesitate to give medication to help a fever in the future. My poor baby.... He's still running fever to this day, and Josh took him in to the pediatricians office to see what's going on this morning. They took some blood so now we wait to see if it tells us anything. My poor little man.  I'm so happy he is doing better, overall, but holy crap... This Mama's heart is traumatized. It is truly the scariest moment of my life. I never, ever want to have to see him like that again 

Strange dream

Dream from 3/3/2016

In the dream Josh and I were at home sitting on the couch. 

I feel like it was the same house we live in now, but at the same time it felt like all the houses/apartments we've lived in in the past.

We were sitting on the couch eating chicken and rice (one of our favorite meals) and a the very same time we both feel drops of water on our face. We look up to see the ceiling is bubbled. At this time in the dream my mind thinks about the stuff in the attic, but we don't have an attic in real life, and it's not raining outside either.

We start to scramble, trying to figure out what is going on... Then, as we are searching all throughout the house it appears that every ceiling is leaking/bubbling and getting ready to buckle. We start to gather a few things in a panic. I gather all my photo albums and that is all we can manage. We can hear the house creaking and making all kinds of sounds, it it makes us scared. We leave the house and go to Josh's parents... the details are fuzzy here, so we must not have stayed long and I don't remember taking the boys or Olivia, so they must have been elsewhere.

Next, we're back at the house and I'm peering into the front door looking at the water damage and the ceiling damage. The ceiling bubble is getting bigger and bigger, and now all of the ceiling looks stained as if it has had water damage for years. Josh tells me not to go in the house, but we need clothes for the kids and specifically Olivia's blankets. I feel so afraid to go in for fear the house will fall on me, but I run into the room and start grabbing baby clothes and stuff from her closet, only in the dream her room is where the boys room is now. 

In my head I can see all the stuff in the attic weighing down the ceiling... it's all junk, and totes full of crap we don't need or use, but we're hanging onto it. I want to go to the computer room and get my computer because of all my saved photos, but I'm too afraid to go any further into the house. 

I'm standing outside waiting for josh to get back... I can see the long beams on the front porch starting to round out from the weight of the house, they look contorted and strange. I'm outside with the bags of stuff I was able to collect and then it happens... the house collapses in on its self. The sound of it collapsing rocked me the core. The walls are still standing somewhat, but everything else has collapsed in on its self.

I can still see those damn totes full of crap sitting on top of the house rubble, perfectly untouched.

I'm standing there in shock and disbelief, I cry to Josh that we need to find the computer and my jewelry box that my grandmother gave me... and that was it... We drove away... and I can see the house/rubble getting smaller and smaller. 

Melanoma

I'm an incredibly fair skinned and freckled person and I have been vigilant about keeping an eye on my skin over the years as an adult and protecting it with sunscreen, due to the fact that my mother has had melanoma twice. 

During my pregnancy with the boys, I had a skin spot/discoloration that changed in size and color, so I had it checked out by a dermatologist. It was fine, it was measured and looked at with a fancy little light thingy. All was well and he said to keep an eye on it. 

During my pregnancy with, Olivia, it changed again...

Josh, on several occasions mentioned that I should have it looked at, but because I was pregnant I didn't have the energy or mental focus to deal with anything else, if you know what I mean. 

I had it checked out on January the 25th... On the 27th the biopsy came back and I was told I had Melanoma.

Melanoma...

Those words hit me right in the gut, really hard...

Shit. 

What. the. actual. fuck.

I was at work with a million things going on with it being my first week back from maternity leave, and it really stopped my in my tracks. I fully expected it to be nothing at all... 

I was immediately scheduled with a plastic surgeon for surgery to have a WLE. The very next week I saw the plastic surgeon and by the end of that same week I was having surgery to remove it.

I have a pretty gnarly scar.

In the end I'm incredibly lucky to have a caught my melanoma in the earliest stage. The surgeon was able to get clear margins, and those are definitely the magic words you want to hear. So right now, all is good and no further treatment is needed. I will need to see my dermatologist every 3 months for the next 2 years, and every 6 months after that... Basically the dermatologist and I are going to become good friends. I'm fine with that.

I'm so grateful to be this lucky and that I didn't procrastinate, because if I'd waited another year this could be a completely different story to tell. 

With that being said... it's been a little bit of a mind fuck. Sorry about the language, but internally I was freaking out, while putting on my "cool" face. Now that I have children... it completely changes the way I feel about death and anything that could cause death. the word Cancer is freaking scary as hell. 

I feel nervous and paranoid about my skin now... like it's a ticking time bomb waiting to attack me. I'm only 32 and my body has allowed cancer to grow... even if it was the earliest stage, just the fact that my body could allow that to happen... scares me. You can best believe that I will not miss a single appointment with my dermatologist. EVER, and I don't care if I have a hundred biopsy scars to check silly little skin spots...I will not let me body betray me, again. 

One of my friends, and ex coworker, lost his mom to melanoma a few years ago... it was heartbreaking... it happened fast, and they never found the actual spot or site where the Melanoma originated from... that is what scare me most... not catching something. 

Obviously, I'm more than lucky in this entire situation, and can't live my life in fear... but I will be extra proactive, and be the best advocate I can be for skin cancer awareness. 

If you are reading this and you have a mole or skin spot you've been worried about, and have been putting it off... PLEASE, please, please go and get it checked out, because what you don't know can hurt you. 

Life Update

Hello, friends!!

Just popping in for a little Life Update

Soooo.... it's obviously been ages since I last blogged, and I'm soooorrrry. 

I mean my goodness. It looks like the last blog was back in October 2014, when the boys were about 9 months old. A lot has happened since then...

A lot

In December of 2014 my job title changed drastically and I began to work really, really long hours... booooo. Operations manager of a busy downtown hotel was not very friendly when it came to family life.I was only seeing the boys for about an hour to an hour and a half before they went to bed for the evening. It was really hard to only have that much time with them, especially considering how hard we tried to have children. It also made vlogging and blogging pretty much impossible with two little ones on top of crazy work hours.

Armor and Ronin, are now two years old and crazy as ever... We lovingly call them our tiny little tornadoes of velociraptors, ah aha... that one is actually more fitting. They talk so much and it's been so amazing to watch them grow into toddlers vs. infants. They make me crazy and amaze me every single day.

Also. . . 

I had another BABY!!!!

What?

Oh my gosh!

How'd that happen?!? 

Aren't you infertile!?!

Yep...

Sometimes... life throws you a well deserved surprise!

We were shocked, beyond shocked, and it honestly took us a little bit to get use to the idea that we were adding another baby to the family. It was so weird to know my body did what it was supposed to do all on its own... such a strange feeling. 

Right after the boys turned one
is when it happened... NO we were not trying, and to be honest we never thought we'd have anymore children. I thought for sure we'd have to bust into our frozen embryo storage.. It was pretty much a surprise and what I like to call our "valentines love baby" haha. I found out at the beginning of March right after our sweet Roxy passed away... She gave us 14 fantastic years of being the most awesome dog we'll ever have in our lifetime. Josh graduated with his Associate Degree in Applied Science in May and we found out the very same day we were having a GIRL!!!! How incredibly lucky are we???

We also decided to donate our 13 remaining embryos. We donated them to our fertility clinic so that other couples could adopt them. We both feel really good about our decision, and it's a little hard to believe that someone will be having our children... CRAZY!!!

Josh took the summer off from school and stayed home with the boys while I worked, then returned to school in September to continue with his Bachelor degree... I have an relatively uneventful pregnancy, but did wind up dealing with Gestational Diabetes. Luckily, I was able to keep it under control with diet restriction - yay, go me!!

I gave birth to Olivia Rose Bernard on November 9th, 2015, ironically it was the same date that I had my last miscarriage back in 2011. We defiantly came full circle.

Olivia was born at 5:19 pm 

weighted 8lbs 5oz.

Her birth was fantastic and I delivered with the midwives 

just like I did with the boys. I made a birth vlog video, so I'll share the link with y'all  Birth Vlog

I took 3 months off for maternity leave and wound up finding a new job the same week I returned to work. I put my notice in and bam... I have a new job in a completely different industry with a M-F 8/5 kinda hours. I could not be more happy for this change in employment and having more time with my family.  Obviously I'd love to stay home, but that is just not the season of our life right now. Josh is seriously an amazing dad, he is so great... I could not ask for a better husband, friend and father for our children. I truly love him more than I could ever appropriately articulate into words. 

So for now that is it. I'm going to start blogging a bit more since I don't have time to Vlog. I totally miss vlogging, but it takes so much time to edit, blah... 

I feel like I'm in a part of my life where if feels right to blog again!

Right now...overall,  life is good, I'm blessed in more was than I can count and I'm incredibly lucky for all that I have. 

4 1/2 months!!

Life as a Mom is incredible, tiring, enlightening, empowering and by far the best thing I've ever done!!

(I feel so darn lucky)

The Boys are now 4 1/2 months old!!

Armor, squeaks and squawks while, Ronin, smiles and flirts.

The little guy's recently had their 4 month check-up and are growing fantastically. They are still a little on the small side and not even hitting the 50th percentile range on anything, but I'm okay with that, and so is their pediatrician. They were 3 weeks early so taking that into consideration, they are doing great. 

Ronin has an appointment with the cranial/facial doctor in July to discuss what to do about his plagiocephaly. He might need to wear a helmet for a bit, and we're waiting on his referral to the physical therapist for his torticollis. I'm ready to get things moving along for him so that it does not get any worse.

Armor is 13lbs 10oz and 24 1/2 inches

Ronin is 14lbs 1oz and 24 3/4 inches

They are sleeping through the night and what a blessing that is!! They wake up fairly early, but usually go back to sleep for an hour or so after eating. We snuggle on the couch together in the early morning, then move to the play mat and after about an hour or so on the play mat we do tummy time. Timmy time usually results in eventual sleeping or fussing. Ronin, has rolled over from front to back several times, and Armor has rolled from both back to front and front to back. Armor is really active and always kicking those little legs. Their individual personalities are really starting to shine through and they make my heart want to burst. The laughs and sounds they make bring a huge smile to my face and heart each day.

Life as a parent is so much more than I ever imagined it to be. I feel like I'm not such a boring person anymore, lol. I was on maternity leave for two months after they were born and I would have taken an extra month, but I was already out on bed rest for the month prior to their arrival. I was not ready to go back, I'll say that... it was definitely tough, I cried and totally wish I could stay home with them. I have adjusted to life as a working Mom, it is still hard, but you do what you must. Josh was in school the entire time I was pregnant, and started his spring semester just 5 days after they were born. Haha. Looking back at how we all survived those first few months makes me incredibly proud of the both of us. I'm also soooo proud of Josh, for even being able to make it to class each day and make the Dean's list all while adjusting to life as a new twin parent. Josh has taken to fatherhood quite well and it is a beautiful sight to see. He is fantastic with them. In the beginning, when I first went back to work  it was kind of tough on him. One day I came home and he said "They don't like me", he was serious and I felt bad for him, but since then he has created his own routines with them and learned how to be confident in his ability to care for them while I'm gone. It makes my love for him so much deeper. His mother, Sheila (aka Meme) has also been an amazing help. When I'm at work and he's in school she watches them for us and we are so lucky to have her!! She watches them about two days a week and we handle the rest. I just love my life so much. I feel like I waited an eternity to have this role as a mother and it has been worth every ounce of struggle I suffered on my path to Motherhood. 

 

Monthly Photos of The Boys

The Boys are 3 1/2 months old now!!

They are smiling, starting to laugh and have both discovered their hands. I have been posting "Monthly" photos on my Facebook page and thought I'd go ahead and add them here too, since I'm trying to get back into this whole blogging thing. It feels weird that I was not blogging for so long considering I blogged for years prior to getting pregnant. Funny how life happens.

---------------------

Each day they make me smile and make me realize how everything we went through to get them was completely worth it and that I'd do it all over again if I needed. I never imagine Motherhood feeling this amazing. Sometimes I look down at them during a feeding and just cry the happiest tears!! It still feels like a dream that they are here, that they are mine and that we have been so incredibly blessed to have them in our lives. 

Right now life feels pretty amazing. 

Motherhood is beyond anything I imagined.

We are forever changed. 

Over the next few weeks I plan to blog about the first few months with the Boys, My breastfeeding experience and how we handle Twin life.

I will also blog about Torticollis and Plagiocephaly, because, Ronin is currently dealing with both.

Birth Story of Twin Boys!!

The Birth of Armor & Ronin

On February 6th, 2014 I went in for an appointment to see my MFM Doctor in order check on the position of the Boys and to make sure they were not under any stress, because I was tentatively scheduled for induction at 37 weeks on January 8th, 2014, due to pre-eclampsia. (Last month of pregnancy and pre-eclampsia).

The night before our appointment Josh finally let me get out of the house, and we made the trek to Waffle House; which is only about 7 minutes from our house. We’d been having late night Waffle House rendezvous for the last half of my pregnancy. I craved eggs the entire pregnancy and who can beat scrambled eggs and hash browns at 1:00am in the morning? Haha. Little did I know this would be our last trip to Waffle House as an “Expecting couple”.

One of my last "Belly" shots!!

The morning of the 6th, I got up, showered, squeezed into my shoes and pants, and actually did my hair for the first time in weeks. Outside of our Waffle House trip, I had not been out of the house for many, many days, because I was on bed rest. I was excited about getting out and putting on clothes, because lets face it, when you are on bed rest, you basically live in pajamas all day, every day. Before leaving the house Josh said “Do you want to load up the bags again”? I say “No, there is no reason that I would be staying since we are scheduled for Wednesday, I’m not 37 weeks yet”. He stares at me and says “Are you sure” and I say “Yes, I’m certain”. So I didn’t have him put anything in the car, but he did put his bags in the car just in case. Such a smart guy, lol. We got to the appointment and luckily did not have to wait as long as normal. And as usual, I got called back to leave a urine sample and get my blood pressure taken. At this point in my pregnancy trying to pee was a difficult task. I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever and finally managed to get a little bit of urine out. And, then as I was trying to set little cup on the counter, I spilled it all over my pants, every last drop. I immediately burst into tears, threw down some paper towels and just cried. I was so upset. There I was 9 months pregnant with twins, barely able to bend down and I’m mopping up my pee and trying to towel dry my pants. When I walked out to get my blood pressure taken it was a whooping 165/123 - Ahhhhhh. So, soooo high. We immediately got situated in a small room and hooked up to the monitors to check out the Boys. I was only hooked up for about 20 minutes for monitoring and the Doctor came in. He said “So are you ready to have some babies”? I looked at him and said “Yea, I can’t wait until Wednesday”. At this point, Josh, fully understands what the Doctor means and I’m completely oblivious as to what he really means, lol. The Doctor then says “It’s happening today”. Insert “wide eyed, shocked face”. I then look over at Josh and giggle, because he was so smart to put his bags in the car. I asked the doctor if I could go home and get my bags and he politely says “No”. Then we started to discuss how this show was going to go down. He of course immediately recommended cesarean, to which I politely replied, “No”, because Baby A was very low in a head down position and Baby B was only transverse with his head hanging out on my lower left side. The Doctor pondered for a few minutes and decided to let me go for vaginal birth!! I was so excited to have this chance even though I was pregnant with twins. The Doctor said “Good Luck” and said to head over to Labor & Delivery and they would be waiting for us.

As soon as he left the room, Josh laughed and said the look on my face was priceless. I then grabbed my phone and called, Sheila, my mother in-law. She answered and I said “Its happening today”. I could hear the excitement in her voice and she said “Yea!! I’ll be there soon”. We gathered ourselves and made our way across the Hospital to Labor and Delivery. Jen, my sister in-law and also our Birth support for labor and delivery, called as we were finding our way to L&D, she was so excited and it only added to my own excitement and anticipation. The walk over was exhausting on my hugely pregnant body.

We made it to L&D at 3pm, signed all the paperwork, answered tons of questions and then I got a fancy wheelchair ride to my room. We’d gotten there so quick they didn’t even have the bed in the room. So I spent that few minutes trying to text my best friend, Anna. My hands were shaking and my brain was going super fast. I think all my text said was “we're in L&D, its happening today” and then I set my phone down and didn’t pick it back up for several hours. As soon as I set the phone down the bed came and I was handed a gown. I changed clothes, hopped in bed and started answering tons of questions while also getting an IV put in. Then Josh’s, Mom, showed up! Shortly after she got there, Jen, arrived and then we sent Josh back home to feed the dogs and get my bags. A little while later my best friend, Anna, arrived!! I was surrounded by those who loved me and I felt so secure and so ready to get the show on the road.

Josh is ready!!

From 3pm to 6pm the time was spent trying to get both babies on the monitors, together, at the same time for a specific amount of time before I could receive any medications for induction. It was frustrating at times, because once we’d get everything set, I would have to pee, and then it was another 15-20 minutes of trying to get them back on the monitor. It was pretty easy to get, Armor, since he was head down and in mostly in the same spot each time. Ronin, on the other hand was being a little nija, I felt so bad for nurse, Violet, who had to try and find him each time, haha. I kept apologizing for Ronin and his antics, and my overwhelmed bladder, because at this point was I only dribbling out a tiny bit of urine each time I made it to the bathroom, and had a constant feeling of my bladder being full.

Around 7:00 pm my Midwife came in to finally check me down below, and I was shocked to learn that I was dilated to 1 cm and 80 percent effaced. I felt great and so happy that things were already happening. I was finally able to receive cytotec, which was small tablet to help thin out the cervix. Within the hour I started to feel small, manageable contractions. At this point I was told I could finally have something to eat since the induction process can take a while so, Anna, and Jen, went out and found Jack-n-tha-Box. I just wanted something super filling, and fattening, hahaha. So had the burger and fries and then my Midwife came back in to check. At this point it was about 10:00 pm and I was dilated to 2 cm and 90% effaced. Since my body was responding well my midwife decided that she wanted to go ahead and insert a balloon foley. The balloon was placed into my cervix to help it dilate and I was told this could take up to 12 hours.

Last Belly Photo!!

 Around 11:00 pm Jen and Anna headed home, sheila had left an hour before. Once they left, Josh, got the Ipad out and we started to watch “American Dad” while watching the show I started to have more contractions, they were starting to feel a lot more intense, yet still manageable as long as I closed my eyes and breathed through them so, I told, Josh, that we needed to turn it off and I could not focus on the show. The nurse came in and offered me an ambien for the night to help me sleep since we had a big day ahead of us. I got the Ambien, Josh got situated on the tiny little couch/bed (not made for 6’2” tall people), the lights were off and all I could hear were sounds of beeping machines and my blood pressure cuff going off. Since my blood pressure was so high, they had it going off every 30 minutes. In order to keep, Ronin, on the monitor I had to be in a sitting position, they nurses wanted me on my left side, but then we could not keep him on the monitor so, in turn it made my blood pressure stay high.

Josh helping me through contractions

So there we are, balloon in, contractions coming and going, husband tossing and turning on the tiny couch, and me unable to sleep even with the Ambien, because of contractions, having to pee and my blood pressure cuff going on and off. At about 3:00 am I told Josh to go home and get some real sleep so, he left and after that I was wide awake and feeling a bit loopy from the Ambien. I was making trips to the bathroom at least every 30 minutes and it was becoming very uncomfortable, because I was getting to the point where I could not release any urine at all. I was starting to get upset, and worried, and at one point I just cried sitting on the toilet. At about 6:00am I made a trip to the bathroom and as I was walking to the toilet I felt like I might pee on myself so, I just stood there, let it go and peed all over myself, it was embarrassing, but so much relief came after. I threw my hospital gown on the floor and mopped it up, apologized and told the nurse and she said “Congrats, don’t worry - do you feel better”. I felt so much better. 7:00 am hit and the nurses switched shifts, so my new midwife for the day came in to check and see how much I had progressed with the balloon. She checked and tugged on it and it came almost all the way out!! She pulled it out all the way, which was totally uncomfortable, but I was now 90% effaced and dilated to 5 cm. I was excited that it did not even take 12 hours. After that she said I could take a shower so, that I could feel refreshed and I did. Once I got back into bed from taking my shower my contractions started to get intense again. I started to get a little nervous, because no one was with me yet, I started to become afraid that things would suddenly happen fast so, I texted, Josh, and let him know my contractions were getting more intense and that I was dilated to a 5. He said he’d be on his way soon.

This is what Love is!!

While waiting for him to arrive my Sheila and Jen arrived, then Josh got there and we were all just kinda hanging out while I had regular mild contractions. The midwife came in around 10:00am and they decided to go ahead and give me some pitocin. That got my contractions going even more. Toward the end of pregnancy my midwife and I talked about planning to get an epidural at some point, in case I needed to have a c section. Since Baby B was transverse there was always a possibility for one, and if I didn’t have an epidural in place and c section was needed last minute they would have to knock me out, and I was not cool with that so, we agreed it was a good idea to get one at some point. I wanted to labor as long as possible before getting it.

 After receiving the pitocin, my contractions picked up to the point I asked, Jen, to go and heat up my rice sock pack that I made for labor. I also asked the nurse at what point should I ask for the epidural. The nurse said “When you get to the point that you can’t sit still during your contractions”. The contractions were becoming more and more painful, I was using the rice pack, Jen, was rubbing my back and hips, I was then up and hanging onto, Josh, swaying back and forth. The pain was intense!! At about 2:30ish I asked for the epidural and I probably waited a little too long, because they were back to back, no breaks in between the contractions. Anna, arrived as I was in the middle of full on contractions, she said the little line on the monitor was all the way at the top and it wasn’t going up or down, it was just a straight line across, lol. I will just say… trying to sit still for an epidural while you’re having hard core contractions was CRAZY… the most intense thing I’ve ever been through in my life. Thank God for Nurse Violet, she held me in place and let me squeeze the shit out of her shoulders, its as if I was hanging on for dear life. Once the epidural was in, Sheila, Jen and Anna got to come back in the room. The nurse also mentioned that once I had the epidural in they were going to give me magnesium, because of my high blood pressure, she said it would probably make me feel bad, flu like… Yuck. It made me feel really, really hot. I had them turn the air down in the room and I’m sure I was causing everyone else to freeze to death. The epidural was in and from this point on it was all very smooth and calm. I had my Husband at my side, my super woman support team and a few more were on their way.

Test Pushes

Around 7:00pm the midwife came in to check me and I was 100% effaced and dilated to an 8!! They decided to break my water, but Armor was so low when they broke it, nothing, but a dribble came out, they even scratched his little head. He was so ready and my water wasn’t going anywhere!! She came back at 9:45 and I was READY!! Completely dilated and completely effaced. I could feel my contractions, but they were not painful, it was just an odd pressure sensation. At that moment she said it was going to be about 45 minutes until the midwife was able to come in so, I was going to labor down and wait. I was a little frustrated, because I was so ready for the little guys to come. At about 10:45 ish my nurse came back and said it was still going to be a little longer and that I she was going to let me start doing test pushes!! I was so excited. Everyone cleared the room except for Josh and Jen. I did test pushes and moved Baby A (Armor down pretty quickly). Josh and Jen both got to see his head and I was even able to reach down and touch his head. The midwife came in at about 11:30 we did a few test pushes and then I was crowing!! They notified the Operating room that we were on our way.

Armor - Born at 12:01 AM 1/8/2014

 As they were wheeling me down to the OR my midwife asked if how I felt about having the babies on two different day, ahhhh. I said “No”. We all laughed, but I was super serious… Normally I’d think that kind of thing was neat or fun, but in that moment I was not going to let them be born on separate days after carrying them together for 9 month. When we got in the operating room, they got me on the bed and we all watched the clock. As soon as the clock hit midnight I gave one beautiful push and I felt his head come out, then one more tiny push and he was completely out at 12:01AM!! They immediately put him on my belly and I just lost it. I cried “Oh my god”. There was my sweet Armor, all purple and quiet, resting on my belly with his little cone shaped head and swollen eyes. I placed my hand on his little back and rubbed his head and just cried… It was incredible, beautiful and the most amazing feeling in the entire world to finally meet this little person that was growing inside my body. After a few minutes they took him off of me,, because he wasn’t breathing and we needed to find the position of, Ronin. Josh cut his cord and they swept him away to other side of the room and Josh followed. Armor, weighed in at 4lbs 13oz and was 17 inches long.

Ronin - Born at 12:25 AM 1/8/2014

The doctor then started feeling my belly to see where, Ronin, was and unfortunately he’d stretched out across my whole belly. The Doctor tried to turn him from the outside of my body and that wasn’t working so, then he reached his hand into my body and tried moving him that way. Talk about an insane and out of this world feeling. I could see my whole belly moving around, it was very strange. I felt scared, but not necessary worried… It was just such a strange experience. While this is happening I kept asking Jen and Josh if, Armor was okay, because he still had not cried. They assured me that everything is okay. The Doctor kept grabbing Ronin’s back and then he said, “All I can grab is his arm, this isn’t going to happen, we need to do a cesarean”. I immediately told him, Thank you for trying”, because not all Doctors will try a breech extraction and I was just so thankful that he did give it a shot. In that moment the entire room and mood shifted. It went from casual vaginal birth, to serious, We need to get this baby out birth.During this time more people started filling the room, they put the sheet up and start pumping medication into me, and finally I hear this tiny little squeak from across the room it was, Armor. Finally I heard him cry, finally I felt relief and ready to deliver, Ronin… I believe they had to use some sort of machine and oxygen to get him going and when he started to cry and I cried, and Josh said “He’s starting to pink up”. Jen came over and said “He is fine”, then shortly after, Josh came over with, Armor… He was pink and wide eyed, he was absolutely beautiful. They made Jen and Josh step outside of the room for a little bit while they got me completely prepped for the surgery. I just remember lying there, shaking my ass off. The amount of drugs they pumped into my body caused me to shake uncontrollably. This is where things get a little foggy. Jen comes over and stands beside me and It feels like I’ve been on that table for an hour, I ask, Jen “Have they cut me open, and she shakes her head, Yes. Josh is with, Armor and I’m there shaking like a leaf on a tree. Jen says they really had to work hard to get, Ronin out. They even cut me up and down instead of sideways, to give more room. All the sudden the room is quiet and then excitement erupts, Jen, screams out “Oh my God, Crystal, he’s huge”. They literally pulled, Ronin, out by his feet… head last and was born at 12:25 AM, just 24 minutes after, Armor..

Proud Dad!!

He came out and screamed right away, such a beautiful sound to hear. Again, I lose it and cry… I do not see him right away. They take him to the other side of the room and clean him up and weigh him really quickly, then, Josh, brings him over. He is also wide eyed and absolutely beautiful. When Josh brought him over I was shaking so bad I didn’t want to hold him, I feel bad now looking back, but I was afraid of scaring him or not being able to hold him, to be honest I was sooo messed up from all the drugs pulsing through my body that I could not think straight. Ronin weighed 6 lbs and 2 ounces and was 17 inches long just like, Armor. All the nurses said “He was stealing all the groceries”, lol. Josh takes, Ronin, back over to where, Armor, is and he is just in awe of his Boys. Jen hangs out with me and as they begin to sew me back up I start to get really sick so, Jen, held a little plastic bag next to my head so that I could throw up. Jen was amazing and I’m eternally grateful that she was there for Josh and I.

Incredible moment

I barely even remember being moved back into my room, but as soon as I’m all put back together, they wheel me back to my room and I remember waking back up from a tiny drug induced nap to family being in the room. Sheila and my Mom are in the room when I wake up, they are holding both Boys, it’s so funny to think everyone held the Boys before I did, lol. I start to wake even more. Next my Brother and sister come into the room and then Anna, Sarah and Sennicca. I’m so messed up that I'm fading in and out of sleep. I mean after all I had not slept since Monday morning and it was now Wednesday morning. Finally they bring the boys over to me for me to hold. I’m still shaking uncontrollably, but Josh insists that I hold the Boys and that it will help. They place, Ronin no my chest first and my body immediately stops shaking… I look at, Ronin’s little face, wrap my arms around him and began sobbing. Meeting him was amazing, beautiful and surreal. I could not believe he was mine, that after all that time… I was finally holding my one of my babies. Next, Armor, is placed on my chest right next to, Ronin. I can’t even fully explain how amazing that moment felt and still feels to me. I was in awe of their beautiful faces. I felt like it was a dream and it was, it was a dream come true and I was literally having the best moment of my life. I sat there crying and snuggling my beautiful Boys and then nursed them…

In Looooooove!!

It was truly an amazing experience, pregnancy and birth... And I was surrounded by the best and most supportive people in my life. Even though I had to have a cesarean for, Ronin… it was the most epic and amazing birth experience I could have ever asked for, I do not regret anything about my birth experience, not one thing, except maybe feeling so messed up on all the meds they pumped into my body.  Josh and I were surrounded by love and support and we felt so great having our family and friends right there by our sides. Josh went home a while later to get some real sleep and Sheila stayed with us the whole night, as I drifted in and out of an exhausted sleep, she is truly amazing and the best mother in-law a girl could ask for!! The Boys both had Jaundice and low sugar at birth and Armor spent an entire day under the lights to help him with his jaundice levels, but overall were super healthy even at 3 weeks early. I feel so empowered as a woman to have had this amazing experience... It was worth every tear, heartache, loss, and worth all the pain I ever endured along the way...

They were born on January 8th, 2014 at 4lbs 13oz & 6lbs 2oz and both 17" long! I am beyond blessed to have them in my life and I feel so incredibly lucky to have them after such a long struggle to become a Mother.

My last month of pregnancy!!

The end of my Twin pregnancy!!

The end of my pregnancy was tough, but I can't complain too much, because my pregnancy was relatively smooth and overall a pretty amazing experience. At the end I had severe carpel tunnel which was not fun to deal with. Writing was impossible and brushing my teeth or hair sent a shooting pain all through my hands and up to my elbows. My feet and legs began to swell in November... I was waddling everywhere, it was impossible to bend down and impossible to put my shoes or pants on. I was somehow still working on my feet during the busiest part of the year for my line of work.

Work belly photo!!

The first week of December (31 weeks) my face and pretty much everything started to swell pretty badly. My heart would race at night and I was waking up every 45 minutes to an hour to pee. It this point I was getting very little urine out and it was actually painful to get my body release any urine at all. At times I would sit on the toilet at 4 in the morning and cry, because it was so uncomfortable.

The second week of December (32 weeks) my blood pressure started to get high, I was starting to have a few dull headaches and occasionally seeing a few spots. Moving around and getting to work was so hard on my body.

The third week of December (33 weeks) I was asked to do a 24 hour urine collection to test for protein in my urine. I went in for a midwife visit and had a super swollen body, and it was confirmed that I had protein in my urine. I was just not feeling great at all. I was officially put on strict bed rest and done with work for the remainder of my pregnancy. I could not have been happier to finally get off my feet and rest. I still can't believe I made it to 33 weeks working on my feet.

Last weekly belly photo!!

At 34 weeks, the week of Christmas, I got a little active buying a few gifts, visiting my cousin's house for a gift exchange and then going to my In-laws for a Christmas dinner. I was not super active, but doing a little more than I should have been doing for someone on strict bed rest. The day after Christmas Josh and I decided to make a quick little trip to Walmart to spend some gift cards. I had been on the couch and taking it easy and thought one little trip out would not be that bad. On the drive I started there I started seeing spots and just felt terrible. When we got to Walmart I went to the pharmacy area to check my blood pressure while he went and got what we needed. They didn't have a blood pressure machine so, I just sat on the bench waiting for Josh to come back. We decided to buy a wrist blood pressure cuff so I could check things out while at home. When I got home and checked my BP it was 162 over 93... I contacted my midwife; she said take it easy and if I started to feel worse to go in to maternal observation at the hospital. I decided to just take it easy for the night and see what my BP was the next morning. My midwife said anything over 140/90 was considered high for pregnancy. The next morning it was still high and I wasn't feeling Baby A move at all. I started to get really nervous and worried so, we went to the hospital for observation. I was there for most of the afternoon and then sent home to do another 24 hour urine collection to check for protein. I was developing preeclampsia and advised that I needed to continue with STRICT bed rest. The urine collection showed that my platelets were dropping and the protein was at 480.

A few days before birth!!

I continued with strict bed rest and and went in to see the Midwife again the first week of January at 36 weeks. I was swollen and all my numbers were high, but she wanted to see if I could stick it out one more week and make it to 37 weeks. We thought that sounded fantastic and scheduled my induction on for January 8th. I was scheduled to see my high-risk doctor on January 6th to monitor the babies and positions to see if we were still okay to go ahead with a vaginal birth.I went in for my high-risk appointment on the 6th of January and my blood pressure was 165/123. It was extremely high so, my Doctor came back into the room and said "Are you ready to have some babies"... I was immediately sent to Labor and Delivery for induction two days earlier than we originally planned!!!

(Birth Story to come soon)

As a side note - Josh's school semester ended in mid December and I can't praise him enough. He seriously cooked all of my meals for me, took care of me day in and day out, did what ever I needed, cleaned the kitchen, washed our clothes, drove me to all my doctors appointments, tended to the dogs and just took amazing care of me. He was amazing and I did not lift a finger for anything. It was nice having those last weeks together just he and I with no other responsibilities or duties required of us. During my pregnancy he went to school full time and I worked so, we didn't always have a lot of time together. During those last weeks of my pregnancy, we spent time pondering what our lives were going to be like, how we'd change, what the Boys would look like, how we'd feel, guessing what day they'd come and binge watching "Frasier" on Netflix. Thank goodness for Netflix, and Thank goodness for Waffle House!! It was only about 7 minutes away from our house and Josh let me get out of the house on a few late night occasions to go eat breakfast food. It was always a great way to break-up the bed rest and it felt like a little date. We got to to know the late night crew, hehehe. To be honest it was probably the best 4 weeks we'd had together in a long time and I'm so grateful we had the time even if I felt miserable in the physical sense... it was all very much worth it in the end.