Today is the day, the day that I will finally get my year membership to our local recreation center. They have a fitness center and I'm about to start working on some sort of exercise plan... I've been feeling rather uncomfortable in my own skin :/ I know that I am not a fat girl by any means but I'm certainly not fit right now... I feel like I'm becoming Falbby-McFlabberton *haha*. I just need to do some regular cardio to burn fat, keep my metabolism up and learn some portion control. Over the last two weeks I've been trying to eat apples every morning and I've tried to eat more salads. I think the combination of eating a bit better and some exercise will definitely make a noticeable difference. I noticed when I turned 24 that I started to hold my weight differently, I could no longer eat that pint of ice cream with out some very noticeable consequences.

We're still here.... *smh*

Well... The rapture did not happen, I was not left behind, I didn't see any people being lifted into the sky, nor did I see mass looting. So the world did not end and now we all get to wait and do this again in 2012! haha Doomsdayer's crack me up sometimes :) Maybe...the rapture took away my funky mood lol. I posted the other day about "Living in the Funk" and the next morning I woke up feeling like a new woman. I did not shed the tears I spoke of. I could have easily cried but it just didn't happen. I got home, Josh was working on installing his new desk, we hung out, chit-chatted and I felt better. There were a few moments I thought to myself "would you just go to bed already so I can get this pity party started" But he didn't. It was perfect and exactly what I needed!

Today I saw the new trailer for "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows - Part II". I.am.so.excited!! It is the last Harry Potter movie *sad face*. I read the books so I already know what will happen, but I still can't wait to see it. I know I'm going to cry *sniff sniff* and I think the hubby will too, although he'd probably never admit it, hehehe. Harry Potter was my substitute drug when I stopped using drugs lol. Seriously, reading and watching the Harry Potter series helped me through one of the darkest chapters in my life. I'm kind of bummed that my surgery is the 13th and the movie comes out on the 15th. I don't think I'll be able to stand in line for a midnight showing but I sure as heck will be waiting for the earliest showing the very next day, I may be all drugged up on pain meds but I'll be there.

It's storming outside right now *ahhhh*. I love the storms here in Texas... We had some a few days back too and I got some good pictures. I'm off tomorrow and it looks as thought I'll be driving half way to Kemp Texas so that I can pick my Grandma up. She went on a little weekend trip to visit her niece Darlene, who just recently moved down from her home state of Michigan. My Grandma wound up having extremely bad chest pains and was taken to the emergency room and then put in ICU. She is in Kaufman, Texas and doing much, much better today! I'll go pick her up tomorrow...her body is just not up for traveling anymore, poor thing. It will be nice to spend some time with just her and myself tomorrow. I love her dearly and miss our times alone. We have some really heartfelt conversations together. Josh and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage on Tuesday. I'm going to make reservations for the "Magic Time Machine". That is where Josh asked me to marry him. *giggle*. That was 10 years ago too... It will be fun to go back and reminisce on how young we were and how very nervous he was *sigh*...such a sweet Pnut I have :)

Living in the funk...

Blah - freaking blah! That is what I have to say about today. Ugh...

I feel like I need to cry, scream, pout, stomp my feet, feel sorry for myself or all of the above. I'm not 100% sure why, I just know it's in there *my tears* waiting for the perfect moment of silence to unleash a flood of salty emotions across my face. I hate being in a funk like this...Errr :/ I hate when I feel my emotions have taken over the wheel and are happily playing a cruel trick on me.

I need a big fat double vodka tonic on tha fly! with a lime and maybe even a shot on the side. Yep - that would definitely do the trick today.

I'm still waiting for the results from my scans. I called Coral yesterday and she said "Dr. Laura just got back home and would be logging on to review your scans sometime in the next week". She's on medical leave so I'm playing the waiting game still. It's not her fault and it's not the worst thing in the world but good-lord it frustrates me beyond anything. It feels like July is forever away. Coral said that I probably wouldn't know anything about my scans until my pre-op visit. Unless Dr. Laura sees something of concern other than the cyst's, then she'll call and let Coral know who will then call me... My CA-125 levels were elevated to a 146 and I still don't really know whether that's a problem, I guess they really don't know either until surgery. Coral said that Dr. Laura would try and get with me before my pre-op but in all honesty it looks like I'll just be waiting till July. So I guess no news is good news in this case. I'm bummed though...I just want to get past this and move on, I feel as if I'm stuck like Chuck and my patients are starting to get thin *they weren't very thick to begin with*. The worst part is that I have no control over anything and I just have to wait it out some more! *very long sigh* In June it will officially be a year since we started seeing someone for our infertility problems and we are pretty much in the same place as before. Yes I know, we are a little bit closer, but to be honest that doesn't really mean shit to me right now... It's disappointing, seeing babies and pregnant women lately has made me feel slightly bitter inside. I've been pretty good at controlling my jealous *wanna-be-mom* feelings but it's really hard sometimes:( I know this shall pass and I won't always feel this way, but today I just have to get it all out because it's driving me crazy inside.

I feel a sad movie night coming on. Hahaha. When I get this way I usually have to watch a sappy sad movie to unleash the sadness within myself. It won't be too difficult tonight...it's been building for days and I can't wait to just leave work and have myself a personal pity party - Party of 1 please. On a side note I painted my bathroom this week and it looks pretty awesome if I do say so myself! The walls are painted in a Turquoise with chocolate brown trim :) I plan to buy more paint next week and paint the bedroom and possibly the back living room...although I'm still debating on what colors! Ugh - so many decisions when it comes to paint. Maybe that will pull me out of this bad mood I've become friends with...lol

CA 125 Levels

Waiting and more waiting - that seems to be my thing lately lol. I'm definitely learning a lot about patients these days and it feels like that's not the first time I said that either hahaha. Last Wednesday I got the blood test results back on my CA 125 test and they were elevated to a level of 146. Oddly enough that's one of my favorite numbers *inside joke and a story for another time*. I'm not exactly sure what that (146) means yet... I did some research online and normal levels are supposed to be at 35. I went for my ultrasound Friday morning and I didn't find out anything :/ It's disappointing that you're never able to find out anything until the pictures are sent elsewhere and reviewed - Booo to that! The sonogram technician said she couldn't tell me anything pretty much as soon as I came into the little room. I didn't even get a chance to ask but she immediately gave me this long spill about the procedure and how she couldn't tell me anything and that...was that! I got the feeling she get's verbally harassed by anxious patients wanting answerer right away lol. It took about 45 minutes, she did an external ultrasound and an internal ultrasound which was rather uncomfortable. She made a joke and said "your uterus is just like mine! It just kinda sits there slumped to the right" I wasn't really sure how to feel about that *smh*. It was funny how she said it, but then I felt sorry for my uterus all slumped there to the right being pathetic *bahahahha*. She took lots of pictures and made sure the screen was turned away so I couldn't see a single thing. Errr! Thank goodness I had a mini weekend trip to Oklahoma to keep my mind off things. My baby cousins, Andrew and Erica graduated High School :). I drove my grandmother to Wilburton, OK and my best friend Anna tagged along too. It was a nice drive up and back. Gas totally sucked at 3.89 a gallon but it was totally worth it to see my cousins feeling proud, confident and excited to see grandma, to know she made it... as she always said she would. I'm really proud of them both considering the difficulties they had growing up. Tomorrow is my last day off so I guess I'll do some laundry, mow the yard, figure out what color to paint the living room *which will be a battle in its self* and wait for Coral to call about my scan results! I hope everyone has a blessed week ♥

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day is tomorrow, well actually it's today because it is already about 2am, so for me tomorrow begins when I wake up haha. Mother's Day is always hard for me on the inside but I just have to suck it up and say "It's only one day". For any of you infertile ladies out there... Don't let this day be torturous. We already put ourselves through enough stress. Yes, it sucks but listen to this song, dry your eyes and go wish someone a Happy Mother's day with a genuine smile on your face!! I found this song tonight and it made me cry lol... It's exactly the way I feel on my bad days. Just remember that not everyday is a bad day ♥

Happy Mother's day to all you Momma's out there!
I hope you all have a very blessed day with lots of love.

PS... don't wish your infertile friends Happy Mother's day, it's extremely sweet but totally not needed!


"So hard" - Dixie Chicks

Surgery will have to wait...

Well...sadly surgery will be put on hold until the beginning of July. Coral called yesterday to let me know that Dr. Laura indeed would not make it until the 18th. She gave me 3 options - 1. Continue the BC pills without the last week to completely stop my cycle, 2. Stop the BC pills and have a normal cycle with no drugs or 3. be refereed to another doctor to take care of it everything while Dr. Laura is out on medical leave. So I opted for option number 3. Coral reminded me that "we don't know exactly what it is" So don't feel bad about option 3. I didn't want to run out on Dr. Laura but I was anxious to get things moving along and find out what this mass is on my ovary. Coral then called back to say she was so sorry she made a mistake and I wouldn't be able to see the other doctor. So she called up my regular Gynecologist Dr. Henderson and spoke with her about everything, she said she could do it but probably not till the end of June and basically that it wasn't her specialty. I honestly did not want to go back and see her at all so I decided to just wait for Dr. Laura to return and do my surgery since she is a specialist. It kinda sucks that I have to wait but I did find out that I will still get my in-depth scan done on the 13th of this month with Radiology Associates and that makes me feel a lot better.

I was coming back from the post office today when Coral called to tell me that I'm now scheduled for pre-op on July 11th with surgery to follow on July 13th. Then she said "I don't want to alarm you, but we need you to come in and have a blood test(CA-125) to check for ovarian cancer". My heart skipped a beat... They never mentioned this before... So I'm going in tomorrow before work. I guess I'm glad they are being completely thorough but it makes my stomach feel a little nervous :/ I'm sure all will be fine...so I'm just going to think positive thoughts on this one until I know the results. Wish me luck!

Happy May ♥

The sun rose into a crisp and cloudless sky this morning. Shinning down on my face as I drove in this morning, I could feel my good mood waking up for the day. Yesterday it rained all day, I was in a funk, bleh, I was tired from my weird work schedule and it was only in the 50's all day...a very dreary day indeed. Once again I say - Mother Nature is smoking something funny.

On Sunday Josh and I celebrated our 13 year anniversary ♥. We'll celebrate 8 year of Marriage on the 24th but May 1st has always been our special day. I was surprised by a sweet early morning text. I got all giddy realizing that Josh had in fact remembered this day without my help *sigh* he's a pretty swell Husband!! We didn't do anything special...just kinda hung around the house together and enjoyed the evening with some Star Trek!

That evening Josh left to get ice cream and doughnuts and I saw the breaking news bar across the top of CNN. It wasn't something that you could click on yet, it simply said "Breaking News: President Obama will speak shortly" Being a Sunday night at 9pm I thought this to rather strange. When Josh returned we watched and episode of DS9 and waited for him to speak. Josh got on twitter and found out what was happening before it broke on-air. "Osama Bin Laden is Dead" We were in shock and disbelief. I felt almost like it was a joke or something. Although I am happy for the people who lost their lives and loved ones to have some closure...I just can't celebrate death like that. Something about it feels wrong to me. I don't judge those who are celebrating by any means, this is just my personal choice. I remember I felt this same way when Saddam Hussein was captured and hanged; I felt happy because the media was telling me it was a great thing because yes...yes he was a horrible man but I also felt sadness, not sure where it comes from but it's there...

This quote will put it best as to how I feel...

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day - 19

Day 19 - A picture and a letter



Dear Pnut,
13 years ago today you brought me two roses that you plucked from a garden, brought them to school and nervously asked me to be your girlfriend.Obviously I said yes and we've been inseparable ever and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll never forget that first kiss in front of the bus stop where time literally stood still for a moment. You are still that charming boy I fell for in high school with a little more wisdom gained and a lot more love to give. This morning when I was thinking back on all the time we've had together, all the memories, all the laughter and all the love we've shared...well, it brought happy tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have you in my life, you have taught me so many things about life and made me laugh through our most difficult times. Thanks for being all that you are ♥
All my Love,
Toe

Stupid Cyst :/

Wednesday was a great day and a bad night...

We got our pictures done which was so much fun, I'll make another post with all of our pics when we get them!!! That night after Josh went to bed I was still up in the office playing around on the net and watching a movie. I got up to go to bed and as soon as I stood up I felt excruciating pain from the left side of my ovary. I immediately fell back down in the chair and tried to pull myself together, my breathe was taken away by the sudden pain. All I could think was "I need to make it to the bathroom", I felt sick, dizzy and broke out into a sweat. I left the chair and made it to the kitchen where I dropped to my knees in extreme pain and curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor. I was in agony... After being there for a good 10 minutes I was finally able to crawl into the bathroom. As soon as I got to the bathroom I curled up with the towels and dirty cloths that were sprawled out on the floor. I got so sick that I violently threw up several times, I was peeing on myself as I threw up, I was shaking and it felt like my abdomen had a heartbeat of it's own. Like a headache that splits your head when you bend down; that is how it felt in my uterus, it felt it was being pushed from my body. I threw up a few more times and continued to shake as I stayed curled up in the bathroom floor for another 15 minutes, rocking myself in a fetal position. I was sweating, crying and my entire body was shaking... It was probably the most painful experience I've had ever!! I woke Josh up and told him what was happening... he was already dead asleep, he asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I took a handful of ibuprofen and crawled into bed with a heating pad, that didn't even help. I contemplated on having him take me to the hospital, but I figured If I could make it through the night then I would be okay. I was extremely sore on Thursday and still am. It's painful to cough, sneeze, laugh and even to sit down. I've never felt something so intense as that.

I went in for a visit with Dr. Laura our fertility specialist this morning. Jenicka was super sweet to me and chatted me up for a while in the waiting room :) She always makes me feel okay about why I'm there... Dr. Laura and Coral did another ultrasound and determined that I had a ruptured cyst and that I have several endometrioma's, one of which is about 4 cm. Not extremely huge but big enough to cause issues. I'm tentatively scheduled for surgery on May 18th. I will go on May 13th for an in-depth ultrasound with Radiology associates and then a pre-op visit with Dr. Laura on the 16th to make sure my body is healthy enough for surgery :) I'm ready to get this done and over with. She prescribed me birth control *hahaha* for the next few weeks, to make sure I don't get pregnant (lol) and to control the pain and growth of the endometriosis :/ I almost laughed out loud when she said we're going to put you on BC, I haven't taken that stuff in at least 8 years...hahaa. I know it will help and I am looking forward to some relief from the pain and discomfort I'm feeling.

Well... there will be no IUI

So much fun!

Mr. Pnut and I got dressed up and had our pictures taken downtown Fort Worth on Wednesday!! It was soo much fun and Josh was *grrrr sexy pnut*. He looked great and was ohhh so charming. We had an amazing photographer (Crystal Michelle Mayes) who does "Serendipity-Photography". We went to high school together...although I don't think we ever had a class and I think she knew me from knowing Josh who was the mascot when she was a cheerleader. Needless to say we've been friends on Facebook for sometime now. Since the day she started posting and taking pictures I've been a fan of her work. I'm so glad we did it because she is great to work with, fun, sweet and has an awesome eye for detail in those sweet moments. She has posted two sneak peeks and all I can say is "Wow" She has made us look amazing...I mean we look great *giggle* already but she totally nailed it :) I can't wait to see the rest but for now here are the two pictures! Enjoy and please check her out @ http://www.serendipity-photography.us/

Day - 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity




Like most woman, there are times when I am totally insecure about my weight... Along with my unforeseen future, my tiny vampire teeth, my gap, my legs which always seem to have at least a bruise or two and my southern accent that randomly comes out at the most inconvenient times. However...my biggest insecurity would be my eyes. As a kid I had a lazy eye and had surgery at age 9 to have it corrected. It worked :) As I've gotten older I've noticed the muscles are a bit weaker than when I was a child, so when I take pictures the first thing I look at above anything else is whether my eyes are looking wonk-eyed! It's not all the time and only certain angles. It definitely bothers me more than anything else but I still love *Me* at the end of the day ♥

Day - 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently




I think the picture says enough :)

Infertility re-cap!

From the very beginning shall we...

Since middle school I've had very intense menstrual cramps. I just thought it was what every woman felt. After high school I started having worse pain and weird cycles that would send me to the hospital thinking something was seriously wrong. One time they thought it was my appendix and well let's just say that wasn't fun. I started taking so much Tylenol to deal with the discomfort that it showed when I had a blood test done and my liver enzymes were through the roof. I started taking birth control which helped for a little while (I still had to take Tylenol, but it was some better), then I started taking only the first 3 weeks and I would immediately start another round of birth control. I basically didn't have a period for about 6 months. My doctor at the time said it was most likely Endometriosis but the only way to tell would be through lap surgery. I really didn't have the money for surgery and it seemed risky to me at the time. They offered to put me on Lupron for 6 months to see if that would allow the Endo to die off. I decided against that and chose to just handle it in my own way. I did research on diet and exercise, different things that other woman had posted online, things that helped them deal with it in a natural way. Lupron would have made me go into early menopause for 6 months and I wasn't ready to deal with something like that.

My doctor at that time told me that if I do have Endo then I may want to think about having kids as soon as we think we are ready. I remember feeling so sad when he told me that. They don't really know what causes Endometriosis and so that makes it difficult for people to be treated and for doctors to truly understand how to deal with and treat it. They know what it does and they know the only way of stopping it is cutting it out, but it regrows too. Errrr. At times I felt like my doctors thought I was just being a hypochondriac . Trying to get a doctor to diagnose you with Endometriosis can be very difficult.

I got pregnant in 2004, I had barley found out I was pregnant when I miscarried at 7 weeks. It was a total surprise because we were not even trying. I was devastated inside and honestly a little grateful too which sounds awful to some people; I'm sure. We were in no place to have a child :/ With all the struggles we're having it makes me feel sometimes like our one chance was lost a long time ago. Now, I know that's not true but it's just a feeling and I'm only human! Several months after the miscarriage Josh and I decided we'd stop using protection and just see what happened... We waited, and waited and waited. It was as if we both didn't want to say something was wrong so we just didn't say anything and thought "It will happen when it happens"...we see where that got us. hahah No where... We did not tell our family or friends that we were trying.. We kept it to our selves and after a few years the pain started to show and I shared with my close girlfriends. We didn't even tell his parents or my family we had been trying until last year. It feels nice to now share these feelings and not hold back...although I still do sometimes lol.

Last summer I decided to see my gynecologist and after several months with her I was referred to a (Reproduction Endocrinologist). I got an HSG test done to check my fallopian tubes and make sure they were open. They were much to my surprise! So I thought wow...the endo wasn't affecting my fertility, I thought it was just the morphology and a part of me was relieved because I'd been afraid of that for a while. In the beginning we we're under the assumption that the main *issue* was Josh's morphology, he has a super high count of sperm, great motility and basically great numbers across the board! The morphology is low but not horrible and almost all men have some level of morphology. Morphology is the shape of the sperm and structure, if they have big heads they are unable to penetrate the egg, or they might have two tails and can't swim the right way.

I used Clomid for 4 months I had intense hot-flashes and it messed with my vision, so when I started seeing my Reproduction Endocrinologist or *RE* who I call Dr. Laura, she said I could not take Clomid anymore because it could cause permanent damage to my optic nerve. My vision is still a little blurrier then before the clomid. So she proscribed Letroloze. It's not FDA approved but they give it to women dealing with breast cancer and it really seems to help and it also doesn't thin out the uterine lining like Clomid does.

We were going to do an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) along with Letrozole for increased ovulation but I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and a cyst was found on my left ovary. So that totally threw us off track. Dr. Laura thinks it's an endometrioma which is caused my endometriosis :( I'll go back soon for a follow-up ultrasound and find out where we go from there. Surgery may be an option and at this point I'm going to say yes if it's necessary!