The Harvest Moon

Tonight's Harvest Moon

It was amazing...directly in front of us there is the deep orange sun dipping into the horizon and directly behind us is the huge Harvest moon rising above the horizon..totally awesome to see!

Happy Fall Equinox ♥

Today is the 2010 Fall Equinox ♥ partnered with a Harvest moon.. what a celestial treat! Fall is my favorite season of all and I especially love the changing of the the season. Just yesterday I was driving with my window's down and a nice breeze kept brushing by and blowing my hair all around *sigh*. It reminded me of last year when Josh and I were getting up really early, driving out to meet Jocelyn to house hunt..it was so much fun, the leaves were turning, the days were getting shorter and the air smelled different..

Today is the last day of Clomid for this month *thank goodness*. No more Hot flashes.. they are not fun at ALL. At work I pretty much broke out into a sweat every hour and then got really cold when it went away..yuck. Send us some positive vibes this week and next week because it will be baby-making time..lol Okay that's probably a little too much info..lol I promise I won't get detailed about that stuff :)

peace.love.freckles

So much work

Well I started the Clomid on Friday which was yesterday, I originally said Sat but I must have been dyslexic or something because Friday was the 5th day. I could tell that something was affecting me, my sensitivity level was definitely heightened, I felt a little hot and just a little strange overall..kind of hard to explain. But let me tell ya.. sitting on the toilet dipping long paper strips into a tiny little cup of my pee and waiting for 5 minutes is just so exciting. Nothing better I'd rather do haha. I've got my little notepad to keep track of things, my med's and my strips all set up in the bathroom..so I hope this stuff makes me fertile or something along those lines. This is a lot of work just to get pregnant.. and all those years in school teachers made it sound like all a guy had to do is look at you the wrong way and you'd get pregnant, I guess for most people it's like that..one crazy wild night with the one you love or one drunk and crazy night with the one you just met. Some peoples bodies are just drawn together chemically I think..

I've been having some really active dream-time over the last week. I think my mind knows that we are trying to do something, because it has been throwing some awesome dreams my way, very detailed. Last night I dreamed of my old friend Sarah Garrett..we are no longer friends because I was a bad influence after high school with my clubbing and partying ways..So her husband didn't really care too much for my presence and asked her not to be my friend anymore. Sarah is a regular in my dreamworld, from time to time she pop's up and sometimes Kris is with her..but usually it's just her or her and her daughter..last night was especially cool, because I got to see both her kids, her Mom and Brother..we went to a bar together just her and I..we had so much fun it was so real and as if time had never passed. Her hair was long and she was still thin and tall like she's always been. It was amazing to see her I hope that life is being kind to her. Even tho we are no longer friends I know that we still each think of one another. We had a wonderful friendship when we were growing up..most always on the same page together..I miss her so much sometimes. I wonder what her life is like, what things she likes. One day..we'll come across each other and the time will be right again for friendship.

Anywho my imagination is active and awake..which makes me excited to fall asleep at night! I usually have amazing dreams and people say they don't mean much..but for me..I always find some meaning in my dreams no matter how little or how big they are..there is always something there to be found if your eyes, mind and soul are open.

peace.love.freckles

Eva Freak Bernard

Rest In Peace
Eva Freak Bernard
Jan 2, 2010-Sept 15,2010

We don't know what happened..perhaps she caught a virus or ate some bad food. When I found her she was just there with her little hands/feet tucked under her head, she was under her tree at the bottom.. it looked as though she went peaceful. I'm still frustrated and want to what happened but life does not always provide us with direct answers.. I'm sad that she's gone and will miss preparing her salads, letting her swim in the bathtub and watching her bask in the sun on the back patio. Her favorite treat was fresh raspberries.. Josh buried her in the compost pile so that she can decompose naturally and eventually nourish other living things that grow in our backyard.. When the time is right we will adopt another Iguana. Rock on in your new life Eva!!







peace.love.eva

Staycations are the best..and yes that is probably a made up word.

I have one more day left of my 8 day vacation *sigh*. I'm kind of sad that it's coming to an end but also ready to get back to my daily routine :) I get a little stir crazy sometimes. My vacation started off with Liberties 6th Birthday party which was a big success! She seemed very happy and got lots of neat things to keep her entertained..she's getting to be such a little lady. We also celebrated Zayin's birthday at putt-putt..bumper boats and go-carts oh-my.

Jen, Nykol and I went to see Dave Matthews Band at the super-pages center out in Dallas..he always puts on such an awesome show. We brought chairs and beer and had our own little tail gait party in the parking lot.Sunday night we celebrated Sarah's 28th Birthday at Overtime a sports bar about 7 minutes from my house. However, we really didn't think about it being the first night of the new football season, it was really crowded and every few minutes the bar broke out into either a loud sad cry or a victoriously loud scream..the Cowboys lost *errr* better luck next time boys. We had a blast either way..several rounds of shots and few vodka tonic's later we made it back to my house..poor Sarah got sick once we got home ahhaha..but she did it gracefully!! She fell asleep or rather passed out on my living room floor and then about 25 minutes later her cousin called to tell us she forgot her purse..so I had to go and meet her off 30 somewhere. I dragged Sarah's drunk ass with me, she was in the passenger side seat with it stretched all the way back curled up in a blanket..she had a good Birthday :)

For the last few day's I've been watching Arthur my nephew (he is such a gorgeous child). We basically lounged around the house having chick-nuggets, watching cartoons and eating pudding. He likes Josh too, so that's a plus, he's fun to be with..I just hope his parents will get their lives in order so that he can be more stable. Nykol helped me do a henna treatment on my hair!! It's definitely made the color more vibrant without looking box dyed..I hate the chemicals in normal hair dye which is why I hardly do it..so Nykol introduced me. This stuff turns into a mud paste as it dries on your hair it looks like you literally dipped your head into a bucket of mud..oh and you have to wash out about 2-3 times with shampoo to get all the muck out..lol. Hair parties and wine are always the best.

So...I officially start taking Clomid on Saturday *Eeekk* I'm nervous..but ready to ride the ride.. Jen read my cards last night..which she hasn't done in a few years (we used to read them almost every weekend) they were quite intriguing I must say! Send us positive vibes..

Ooohh...Josh's 30th Birthday is coming up on the 27th..planning a backyard feast with some adult beverages, music, good friends and family!! I really can't believe he's going to be 30.. That means in a few years it will me my turn (bring it on). I love this time of year, seriously.. I come alive in the last half of the year. I have to say this vacation has been really nice and refreshing. I still have a full week of vacation time left which is totally awesome. Josh and I are planning a trip down to Lake Charles to see his family the last week of September or the first week of October.. it will be nice because it's been a while since we've seen everyone.

peace.love.freckles

Fall is on the way..

First I have to give mother nature a big thanks...because the weather has been absolutely amazing the last few days. We got some much needed rain and a cool front blew in to give us a break from the 100 degree summer we've been having. I hope it continues. I'm just excited to feel that fall is on is on the way. This time last year we were house hunting...I can't believe it's almost been a year


I went this week for my “Clomid Consult”. Spoke with my doctor in person about all the test results and again everything looks really good. She even laughed about the semen analysis. Josh has like 92 billion sperm. So he’s got a big swim team haha. I asked if there was anything we could to affect the morphology but she said not much. Basically he needs a good diet, vitamins, good sleep and no hot baths or sauna visits. She went over the Clomid with me, the side effects and for the most part I think I will be fine! The chance of multiples does go up by 10 percent, but I told Josh that I wasn’t too worried about that, I mean hey…if we could have two and get it all done and over… that would be fine with me especially if it’s going to be this difficult for us in the first place. So the Clomid isn’t really going to do much for Josh, but it will make me extremely fertile meaning I might release more than 1 egg hopefully a few, so that there is a better chance that we can at least fertilize one egg! I’m starting to get very excited. I will only take the Clomid for 5 days out of my cycle…this first month I will have to do the ovulation predictor strips for the first round, and when I get my first positive sign, then I’ll go in for a progesterone test to make sure I’m ovulating at the right time. As my doctor says “Timing is everything”. I will be able to take the Clomid for at least 3 months, if nothing happens we can try if for a little longer maybe even up the dose, but if we have absolutely no luck then we’ll definitely have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist… So hopefully the Clomid is a magical pill for us *fingers crossed*lol. One can only hope!

On another note; my mom has been having some heart troubles. Over the last week and a half she’s been to the hospital 4 times for heart attack symptoms. They said she has Angina. So she had an appointment with her cardiologist on Thursday morning…and they put her back into the hospital. They ran a bunch of tests and did a small rather common surgery to put a stint in one of her arteries, it was at 98% blockage :( I spent a little bit of time with her today before coming into work and she was looking and feeling much better. A year of Plavix, Aspirin and healthy eating should help her recover. We have naturally high cholesterol on her side of the family…my grandfather died of a massive heart attack when he was in his 50’s. So I’m going to be keeping my eye on her :)

Any-who it is Labor Day weekend I’m currently at work with only 2 arrivals (can we say..Slow?). I’m stuck at work the entire weekend…Such is my life. I do have next weekend off though! Liberti turns - 6, Sarah turns – 28, Zayin is going to be – 2…so lots of celebrating! Ooooh yea, Jen and I are getting to see Dave Matthews Band that Saturday.. I’m soo stoked!

peace.love.freckles

Clomid...here we come!!

Today is a good day!! My Doctor called this morning to explain things a bit more. And I must say that I feel much more positive than I did yesterday. I just honestly was a little in shock..and didn't quite know what, or how to feel. So she basically said that he has such a high sperm count that the morphology should not be that huge of a concern. It's definitely a factor at this point since we haven't conceived in 5 years. We kind of stopped trying so hard after that first year of no results and thought well it will happen. Well we are back on track and focused; so perhaps this time will be better for us.

We are..lol I mean I am going to start taking Clomid on my next cycle. I will see her next week to get the prescription and go over our "care plan". If the Clomid doesn't work then we will be referred to an RE "reproduction endocrinologist" and discuss IUI artificial insemination.. IUI is less expensive then IVF..so what ever we can do before getting to that point would be great!

I'm really excited and have high hopes, but there is still this little part in the back of my head that says "don't get overly excited, because it's possible this may not work" and then I think "well don't be negative" and I'm not negative.. But I do have to be realistic with my goals and emotions. I don't want to be completely dragged through the mud with this whole experience. I mean I guess that's going to happen anyway..I just don't want to be so broken inside that I can't move on.

I called all the mothers hehe..that would me My Grandmother, Sheila and Mom and of course Anna, Sarah, Misty and my Jen-Star..they are my support group, my amazing amazon warrior women :) They are all excited and relieved as well.. In a way..their excitement kind of fuels me and let's me know that it's okay to feel excited, and that everything is going to be okay in the long run. I love them all and I am so grateful to have each of their strong female influences in my life. We've gone for at least 5 years with no luck..so I sorta lost hope and stopped getting excited about whether or not I would ever get pregnant, and now starting to feel hope again is a little scary and intensely exciting.

It feels really therapeutic to finally talk out loud about it with our family and friends, I feel like we are not alone on this path and that we have a strong family to catch us if we fall brokenhearted . I remember so many times before waiting each month to see if I would feel different, would my breast be tender, was a I a day late, and did it mean something or thinking "this is going to be the month" and it never was.. I felt less of a woman, as if something were wrong with me, perhaps I was defective in some way. Today there is a light at the end of a tunnel. We have embarked on a journey that will hopefully have good results..and if not then we will be able to move on with our lives and start to heal from the pain of infertility.

peace.love.freckles

Morphology Smorphology..

So our test results came back..kind of discouraging!! Everything on my end checks out well. My tubes are clear and uterus looks good, my hormones seem normal and Josh has plenty of swimmers...but has low morphology. Which means that even though he's got a good count, they don't really perform that well, they are shaped funny.. It is discouraging. I thought something might have been up, because he had the swim team tested last Tuesday, I had my HSG on Friday. I called Monday and left a message..no response..I called Tuesday..nothing. So I called again today (wed) and the nurse did not call me until almost 5.. She read a few things off and told me about the morphology, but said that my doctor would look at everything and call me tomorrow. Errr! Well we wanted answers and we are certainly getting them. Maybe not the ones we want but at least they are answers. Hopefully there is something we can do to improve the morph numbers..

I'm nervous, I feel kind of bad for Josh, he seems to be handling it well, but this whole time I really thought it was me..deep down inside I just felt that it was me, hummm. Well no matter what we will get through this. We have love, family and friends to support us along the way.. I'm going to do a lot of research and just read everything I can to fully understand what we are dealing with. I guess in a way..I found love so easily that it's only normal I would have to work in order to have a child..lol

peace.love.freckles

On a journey to Baby Bliss...

The journey to baby bliss has started...

After about 5 years of trying we’ve had no luck on our own. So rather than continuing to be depressed about the whole situation; I decided it was time to figure everything out. I saw my doctor about a month ago, and pretty much broke down and cried throughout the entire visit. She just sat there and listened patiently as I sobbed and went through several tissues. It was very emotional and relieving at the same time. She said that 5 years was long enough to wait and immediately set me up for hormone testing. So for the past month I’ve had my hormones tested, Josh got his swim team tested on Tuesday of last week, and Friday I went in for an HSG test; to find our whether or not my uterus and fallopian tubes are clear and normal looking. So hopefully Monday or Tuesday I should hear from my doctor so we can go over the tests. I’m praying for good results and possibly something simple to help us…

It’s been deeply emotional and painful to watch all of my friends and family get pregnant and start their own lil families. I ready for it to be our turn. Josh and I have had 12 amazing years together, we’ve had time to really get to know each other and be comfortable with each other, we’ve had lots of fun and are ready to have something else to focus on. We are getting to the stage now where we really feel this emptiness. We have the dog’s and Eva our iguana…but it’s just not enough to fill that hole if ya know what I mean…although I do love my babies (The dogs) they really make my heart melt when I get home and are so excited to see me. lol

It’s going to be an interesting ride to say the least…
So fingers crossed that we get some good news!!

peace.love.freckles

Snow on Christmas Eve..in Texas of all places

Well happy New Year…Actually I really like the sound of Happy 2010, not two thousand and ten but twenty ten, it sounds so very futuristic.
Let’s see…Where to begin?!? I last blogged in Nov...I was having “rogue Freckle” issues. I had my little surgery on Dec 2nd, and had three spots removed. The results turned out to be good. Atypical Junctional Nevus and Atypical compound Nevus. Basically they are mole or birthmarks that resemble Melanoma in many ways but the only way to tell the difference is to have them removed and tested. So I’m in the clear I will see a dermatologist every 6 months to a year. I have about 15 other “Rogue Freckles” that I will keep my eye on. For now I’m healthy and that’s what matters most.For the very first time in my life…I played in the snow on Christmas Eve.. in Texas and woke up to a beautiful winter wonderland. (I even built a snowman) I’m not talking a few flurries…I’m talking a real snow fall of more than an inch. It was amazingly beautiful. Josh and I had the day off and spent it lounging around the house, peering out our glass patio door, giggling like kids and letting lose adult squeals of complete and utter joy. For a moment...We were kids all over again. We watched as the wind blew snow off the roof into a swirl the size of a mini tornado. Our backyard backs up to a creek and there are no houses behind us, so it looked fabulous there are almost no words to explain how it made me feel inside..I have to say buying a house, having a Halloween party, hosting thanksgiving at our place and Snow on Christmas, not too shabby…2009 ended on a very good note. I worked New Years Eve (a hotel never sleeps) and got off at 11:30ish…I made it home just in time to grab a glass of wine, have a puff and kiss my lover a Happy 2010!!

peace.love.freackles

Out danm spot!!

What a day…I barely slept last night with everything on my mind…not to mention I stayed up late watching my shows :)...Josh is the best; he makes sure my Sunday shows are ready when I get home from my night shift… plus I had to get up way to early today this morning. Yuck! I’m not the best morning person. So I picked my mom up at 9:30 and we drove across town for my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I have to say I really like him better then the dermatologist that I saw a few weeks back…This guy was very informative and I felt comfortable in his presence. When I saw the Dermatologist he stood by the door most of the time he was talking with me, as if he had a hot lunch date to catch. He was nice…but I just didn’t care for his bedside manor if you get my point. The plastic surgeon looked at the spot on my back and said (That needs to come off as soon as possible) I was relieved and scared all at the same time. I’m glad he’s taking it off sooner rather then later...I also showed him a spot on my left wrist and left shoulder. The dermatologist threw me for a loop and his anxiousness to leave the room and kind of left me overwhelmed…so I never showed him any other spots I was concerned about. But the surgeon saw them and has decided to take them at the same time. So Wednesday morning I have surgery at around 8:00 in the morning. I have to be there at 6:45…double yuck!! They will sedate me and do an excision with margins on all three and then they will send them off to be tested. I’m hoping, praying, and trying to stay positive about this…but I have to say I don’t think I’ll be able to rest easy until I get the results back..I have no idea how long that will take. I’m sure I will find out Wednesday…I guess the only plus side is that I’ll get a few extra days off work and some good pain meds...hehe Josh is going to take me to the hospital..I’m so glad I have him. I’ve been at his side through all his medical hiccups, hospitals visits and surgeries…Guess it’s his turn now :) But I wouldn’t have it any other way he is my very best friend and I know he’ll take great care of me.




peace.love.freckles

Thanksgiving, Homeownership and Spots

Well...we closed on our house October 16th it was a great day, Miranda turned 2, Family was in town from Louisiana...and overall it was just amazing. I feel so grown up now hehe...We are officially homeowners ane we've done our part to help the housing market..haha It’s been amazingly awesome to have so much room...a nice big kitchen, a laundry room and a back patio to sit and enjoy the beauty of nature. The dogs love the dog door and the cat finally learned how to come in on her own. She was in shock for the first week; I knew when it got cold she would come in…and she did!

For the first time in 5 years I got thanksgiving off work so Josh and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house and it was perfect. Words can’t fully explain how happy I felt to have everyone there with us, the Cowboys won, we had wine, the kids watched movies and everyone was happy and full by the end of the day...it was truly one to remember. The food was great and the company even better. I’m so thankful to have such a supportive and loving family!

In other news…I recently went to a dermatologist for a spot on my lower back. I’ve had it all my life, only over the past year I’ve noticed a change in size, shape and color…So he’s referred me to a plastic surgeon…He believes it’s a possible melanoma. So I go tomorrow at 10:15 in the morning. My mom’s going to go with me…She went with me for my first visit to the Dermatologist. I’ve had an entire week to let it eat at me and drive my brain insane…I also have a depression in my skin; on my hip that has a white color…not like my normal pale skin, it makes my butt muscle sore..lol. My dermatologist said it’s Morphea which is a form of localized scleroderma, or lupus…It kind of took my by surprise. I’ve done a bit of research on it which honestly hasn’t been that helpful. The internet is not good for anyone with a health issue they are worried about…It will make you think you have everything known to man!! Which is what I’ve done to myself most of this week…I haven’t really talked a lot about it...Just here and there…but let me tell you it’s been on my mind every waking minute of my days this past week. I’m nervous. My mother has had two episodes of Superficial Spreading Melanoma…they caught it early on her chest, and told her that if she had waited more than a week for the one on her leg that it would have spread through out her lymph nodes..Scary!! So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s just a pre-cancer meaning it doesn’t have active cancer cells…or if it is cancerous…I’m hoping that I didn’t wait too long…I have an appointment with an ENT on the 8th of December to have my lymph nodes checked out in my neck..I’ve got two swollen nodes...they’ve been swollen for over a year…I got a biopsy done a year ago and the doc said it was probably just an infection in my body collecting in my nodes, he gave me an antibiotic but it did nothing..So when I asked my dermatologist...He referred me to an ENT to have a thorough check up. I’ve had vertigo off and on for the last month so hopefully he can tell me what’s up. I know I probably sound like I’m falling apart or maybe even a little like a hypochondriac haha.... I’ve been so awful to my self...I haven’t been to a doctor unless I was dying of the flu since about 3 years ago..I stopped caring about my health and just didn’t think about taking care of me…but times are changing…Because if I want to live to be old and gray..Then I need to take the appropriate steps to maintain my health now. Any-who that’s my update wish me luck tomorrow!!

peace.love.freckles

The leaves are falling

Breathing in the beauty that is emerging from this Autumn tale, my soul is awakened from a thick summer sleep. The leaves are falling in brilliant fashion; the ultimate symbol of change. I am ready for it, I have been ready and I will greet my changing life with an open mind and soul. Change has been knocking on my door for some time now, a sweet tap that will not go unnoticed. The air is crisp, cool and whips my hair wildly around my face.
I look out into the multi faceted world that surrounds me and I see that beauty is hiding everywhere, waiting to be discovered, yearning to be written about and photographed. Mother Earth holds many wondrous secrets in her pockets. I wonder about many things; often the future. I question most everything and wonder how life will be different as I become brittle, grey and wrinkled. This life we are so delicately weaved into, crosses many mountains,wades many rivers, and staggers across vast desserts along the way. Don't you have to look forward to live life instead of looking back? I am saddened inside to see those chained to their past, frightened by God's wrath and fury..frightened at the thought of an unyielding loneliness...Yes, it is helpful to look back and understand a life lived then, who we are, and why we are who we've become. What about now? What about living life today with compassion, justice, truth and integrity, living with your head held high instead of buried in your tear stained hands. So many are being pulled under by the nasty current that is our media, our government and radical religious bigots...The media steals away your thoughts and replaces it with a mind numbing drug called "Social Opinions". Government bullies and and Self Richous Religious leaders want your money and care nothing about your personal gain, but you brought money for collection today..your a good person even if you don't have food to feed your family...Does our society care nothing for the people that keep it running... I used to believe that an opinion was a great thing to have, it was something you owned, something you created, something powerful! Now days, opinions are being forced down our throats every which way. It makes me sad in a way that I can't really express. What ever happened to "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all". Watching the news is no longer informative, it's a money and power hungry machine that slowly eats your soul. You don't even know it's happening until you stop, step back and take a good look. I stopped watching TV about 6 months ago...it has been a blessing. TV shows are great don't get me wrong I love several shows but I get them online and bypass all the bull shit in the middle...Life doesn't need another opinion..Life needs action, people to stand firm and walk the walk instead of just talking to talk...Life is begging for transition, the people scream out for understanding and compassion.

House round 2

The Palm tree and big front window


The Front


Hall Bath


Cute Mirror :)


Entrance to front living area from front of house


Second living area looking into kitchen
and a sliding glass door behind the blinds


Kitchen looking into living area


This kitchen is really good size
I cant wait to cook in it..


Covered back patio to sit outside during a rain storm :)



Roxy and Daisy..oh yea and Bloomberg, are gonna love this yard!


I'm in love with this house..keep your fingers crossed for us!!

Always.Me!