There she lay in a pile of delusion.
Pulled under by the current situation
and smothered beneath real time reality.
She's full of past and present illusions.
it isn't as easy as you might think
Breaking down her stone built walls
at the end she's bleeding fast
as her dreams fall down the sink.
she screams , in a color so gallant
she cries to the man in the moon
she laughs herself to oblivion
she hates the ever present challenge.
Cold and alone she's warmed by the dying night
upon awaking she follows the morning star
into the day of new found freedom
She'll go it alone this time with out a fight.
21 September, 2006
09 September, 2006
The falling night
Night is falling slowly for this aging soul
Taunted by the fretful impending silence
He aches while time is passing quickly by
His mounting pain calls for no more violence.
When do we ever really, or can we ever really understand what it's like to depart this current journey for which we so graciously have embarked upon? Can one honestly reckon with an irrational state of thought and fear that plays amongst the broken televisions sets? Spitting out static left and right. Do we all feel the same way, and when we know it's close do we really know? Is there something within the depths of our mind that shows us time that turns on a dime? How does one know, I do not ask in question for I merely ponder the subject analytically, hoping for some relevant answer to slap me in the face. When all the while answers bounce one by one straight off my chest.
You don't always have to look far for the answers we so desperately seek. Life goes by very slowly some days, and other days, you blink and yesterday is a month away. So what about a lifetime, I cant imagine peering into the book of my entire life! A life time of slow moving days, bonded together by years of turbulent driving may not feel that apparent or even meaningful. That is until you put an expiration date on it. Then somehow life seems lost, un-owned, and even pointless for some. And some people persevere and push through an unimaginable struggle. What makes that difference? I've often wondered and never questioned. However I believe there is no right or wrong answer because we each have fraternal lives. Meaning were brought up in society together, were so alike you and I, perhaps not by color, language, or money, But we all share the human gift of emotional thought, compassion, anger, fear, all of it. A gift selfishly used in some instances. So when we go, we each perceive it differently based upon the emotional cake you have baked over the years. Some crumble fast, some hold out in the freezer for years. I feel that when your on your way to somewhere unknown you draw from your life in order to make you great escape.
When you've lived a life on the streets, in the hood, in abusive relationships, what ever it may be, you leave here with unfinished emotional ties holding you back, locking you in a tumble wheel of emotional movies repeats...ties that will ground you so deeply when it comes time for your soul to move along. Your body will be tired, weak and ready to rest. Yet your restless mind will leave you sick. Sick with regret and anger. The more ties, the more difficult to accept your time is slowly ending. When your sick and lonely life will sit upon you laughing and burning a hole in your heart.
Running from life and never standing up to all that you have left in your path, then life will still catch up with you. One day you will have to look your life right square in the eye and question whether or not you are be happy enough to go on. I guess I'm starting to realize that living my life now is so important to the end of my life. That these days: that pass so slowly could be filled with thought and compassion to the world around me. This world greeted me as my soul was birthed and this world will see me off, when the time comes. I don't want to be looking at a pile of mistakes I would rather see them as my life lessons, my elegant strokes of vivid color splashed across the canvas.
Do we see within ourselves the faded time, and tattered heart, beating deep within our chest? I take my father as a lesson, the greatest lesson in life I'll ever just be handed. A this point he views his life as meaningless, as tho there is so much he screwed up, and perhaps the whole world is looking down on him. In his eyes, not mine. Although he has disappointments within is soul, I look at him with an enormous amount of respect. My father has completely gone from one spectrum to another. In my youth and early adulthood, he was a wondering nomad…
I'd like to say. He lived his life on the edge, the world was his stage and he was the water running throughout the land. Not thinking of time, future, or anyone else. He lived life for him, but still manages to hand out baskets of love and laughter my way. He screwed up his life yes maybe, but he had happy times, we all do. He just looks at all the bad he's done, all the things he's never done. I know that as we've grown closer together and even through all of the hospital visits, he finally has some peace about him and I. For ages my dad has walked around with this guilt cloud high above his head. I see in my father that because his guilt of giving us up for adoption was so intense, when we grew up and really got to know him, he internally punished himself by not allowing his self to be, of feel loved. I know it's sounds odd but many people do that to their selves unknowingly. I get the feeling now that my father really feels that I love him. Even if I lose my dad, I will be thankful for this time were together, learning and teaching one another our different strengths. It's not always a horrible thing when someone goes, it's gonna hurt. It's going to cut me like a rose, while I cry tears of joyful sadness. I'm glad we have this time to feel close. If there is anything I can give my dad, it's my heart, I will be there every step of the way.
It's very difficult to watch your parents struggle with an impending death. My grandparents raised me, my grandfather died of cancer when I was 11, and my grandmother was very open with everything. She wanted us to understand it not fear it. It broke my heart the day he died, somehow it must have been a purpose, a lesson, one that would allow my heart to be guided along this path with my Dad. My dad gave me away as a child, but my purpose for him was so much greater than he or I could have ever imagined.
I'm lucky to have had sadness of this type before in my life, perhaps with out it; I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I wouldn't hold back the tears for my father's sake and allow him to shed pain on my shoulder. I've watched him, cry, and profess his ultimate fears to me in the past month. He's even told me that he feels that time is running short, he says things he's never said before, I see the tender heart shining softly through his eyes, and voice. He tells me that he loves me something he rarely did often, and how much he never knew that he could feel this love. He tells his fears to me, and so I listen, and don't tell him how to feel. I learn of this man I never quite understood, and now I see the person underneath the jaded mask. I just talk to him, give him company, and companionship of the greatest kind. A father and Daughter bond one that often seems so hard to find for most people I talk too. Something we missed out on when I was growing up. I want to be so sad and thrash around scream it's not fair.
But there's a whole other side to me that knows I must be stronger than my father, now is the time to show him all that he's taught me. I must show him that there is nothing to be afraid of. I know that he'll still have mountains of fear in his heart, but I can give him peace of mind to help the time. There is no need to spend time crying, for if the moment touches me I'll surely indulge in an emotional purge. But for the most part I want him to enjoy the rest of life, honest with himself, and able to wake up and smile. It is important to have joy in the fading night.
In my very darkest deepest emotional moments I turn to writing, most of it is just the ever-present thought playing chase in my head. Writing for me is very therapeutic, something that releases the negative energy I often bottle up and keep tucked neatly beneath the surface. It's me and it's who I am. I often drag on with detailed thoughts, but I'm not a simple girl so why should I write in simple fashion?
Thinking, always
Crito
Taunted by the fretful impending silence
He aches while time is passing quickly by
His mounting pain calls for no more violence.
When do we ever really, or can we ever really understand what it's like to depart this current journey for which we so graciously have embarked upon? Can one honestly reckon with an irrational state of thought and fear that plays amongst the broken televisions sets? Spitting out static left and right. Do we all feel the same way, and when we know it's close do we really know? Is there something within the depths of our mind that shows us time that turns on a dime? How does one know, I do not ask in question for I merely ponder the subject analytically, hoping for some relevant answer to slap me in the face. When all the while answers bounce one by one straight off my chest.
You don't always have to look far for the answers we so desperately seek. Life goes by very slowly some days, and other days, you blink and yesterday is a month away. So what about a lifetime, I cant imagine peering into the book of my entire life! A life time of slow moving days, bonded together by years of turbulent driving may not feel that apparent or even meaningful. That is until you put an expiration date on it. Then somehow life seems lost, un-owned, and even pointless for some. And some people persevere and push through an unimaginable struggle. What makes that difference? I've often wondered and never questioned. However I believe there is no right or wrong answer because we each have fraternal lives. Meaning were brought up in society together, were so alike you and I, perhaps not by color, language, or money, But we all share the human gift of emotional thought, compassion, anger, fear, all of it. A gift selfishly used in some instances. So when we go, we each perceive it differently based upon the emotional cake you have baked over the years. Some crumble fast, some hold out in the freezer for years. I feel that when your on your way to somewhere unknown you draw from your life in order to make you great escape.
When you've lived a life on the streets, in the hood, in abusive relationships, what ever it may be, you leave here with unfinished emotional ties holding you back, locking you in a tumble wheel of emotional movies repeats...ties that will ground you so deeply when it comes time for your soul to move along. Your body will be tired, weak and ready to rest. Yet your restless mind will leave you sick. Sick with regret and anger. The more ties, the more difficult to accept your time is slowly ending. When your sick and lonely life will sit upon you laughing and burning a hole in your heart.
Running from life and never standing up to all that you have left in your path, then life will still catch up with you. One day you will have to look your life right square in the eye and question whether or not you are be happy enough to go on. I guess I'm starting to realize that living my life now is so important to the end of my life. That these days: that pass so slowly could be filled with thought and compassion to the world around me. This world greeted me as my soul was birthed and this world will see me off, when the time comes. I don't want to be looking at a pile of mistakes I would rather see them as my life lessons, my elegant strokes of vivid color splashed across the canvas.
Do we see within ourselves the faded time, and tattered heart, beating deep within our chest? I take my father as a lesson, the greatest lesson in life I'll ever just be handed. A this point he views his life as meaningless, as tho there is so much he screwed up, and perhaps the whole world is looking down on him. In his eyes, not mine. Although he has disappointments within is soul, I look at him with an enormous amount of respect. My father has completely gone from one spectrum to another. In my youth and early adulthood, he was a wondering nomad…
I'd like to say. He lived his life on the edge, the world was his stage and he was the water running throughout the land. Not thinking of time, future, or anyone else. He lived life for him, but still manages to hand out baskets of love and laughter my way. He screwed up his life yes maybe, but he had happy times, we all do. He just looks at all the bad he's done, all the things he's never done. I know that as we've grown closer together and even through all of the hospital visits, he finally has some peace about him and I. For ages my dad has walked around with this guilt cloud high above his head. I see in my father that because his guilt of giving us up for adoption was so intense, when we grew up and really got to know him, he internally punished himself by not allowing his self to be, of feel loved. I know it's sounds odd but many people do that to their selves unknowingly. I get the feeling now that my father really feels that I love him. Even if I lose my dad, I will be thankful for this time were together, learning and teaching one another our different strengths. It's not always a horrible thing when someone goes, it's gonna hurt. It's going to cut me like a rose, while I cry tears of joyful sadness. I'm glad we have this time to feel close. If there is anything I can give my dad, it's my heart, I will be there every step of the way.
It's very difficult to watch your parents struggle with an impending death. My grandparents raised me, my grandfather died of cancer when I was 11, and my grandmother was very open with everything. She wanted us to understand it not fear it. It broke my heart the day he died, somehow it must have been a purpose, a lesson, one that would allow my heart to be guided along this path with my Dad. My dad gave me away as a child, but my purpose for him was so much greater than he or I could have ever imagined.
I'm lucky to have had sadness of this type before in my life, perhaps with out it; I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I wouldn't hold back the tears for my father's sake and allow him to shed pain on my shoulder. I've watched him, cry, and profess his ultimate fears to me in the past month. He's even told me that he feels that time is running short, he says things he's never said before, I see the tender heart shining softly through his eyes, and voice. He tells me that he loves me something he rarely did often, and how much he never knew that he could feel this love. He tells his fears to me, and so I listen, and don't tell him how to feel. I learn of this man I never quite understood, and now I see the person underneath the jaded mask. I just talk to him, give him company, and companionship of the greatest kind. A father and Daughter bond one that often seems so hard to find for most people I talk too. Something we missed out on when I was growing up. I want to be so sad and thrash around scream it's not fair.
But there's a whole other side to me that knows I must be stronger than my father, now is the time to show him all that he's taught me. I must show him that there is nothing to be afraid of. I know that he'll still have mountains of fear in his heart, but I can give him peace of mind to help the time. There is no need to spend time crying, for if the moment touches me I'll surely indulge in an emotional purge. But for the most part I want him to enjoy the rest of life, honest with himself, and able to wake up and smile. It is important to have joy in the fading night.
In my very darkest deepest emotional moments I turn to writing, most of it is just the ever-present thought playing chase in my head. Writing for me is very therapeutic, something that releases the negative energy I often bottle up and keep tucked neatly beneath the surface. It's me and it's who I am. I often drag on with detailed thoughts, but I'm not a simple girl so why should I write in simple fashion?
Thinking, always
Crito
18 August, 2006
What is love?
What is love to you?
How does it make you feel,
how do you make others feel loved,
and how do you need to be loved?
Those are questions people should ask themselves, often.
If Love... is the answer to your life long math equation, then what are the correct variables?
Have you found them? Do you even know where to look?
To me this is love, how I do it, and how I survive it. How you love a person is a very important factor in any relationship.Each person is a different, well-calculated math equation, not all variables work for everyone. Some people need only a few variables to complete the problem, where as some need more than they can carry. I watch as some of my very good friends wade through the shores of this vast sea we call love. I wonder why and how Josh and I are able to have made it this far, I don't call it luck, because love is not lucky, love is hidden beneath layers of emotional clutter, hiding in the crevices of your mind, and taunting you through the night. You need it like a drug, you seek it like a baby taking its first breath, and you feel as though you are not complete with out it.
I ask myself what I can tell my friends, who are wandering down that heartbreak road, and I realize that the only thing I can offer is honesty, an open mind, and a nurturing soul. I cant give anyone the correct answers, because what works for Josh and I, well its a special recipe one with ingredients others might be allergic to. I do however offer experiences of my own accord, heartbreaks within my self, and failures that are written all over my body. You give your spirit for someone to lean on; you don't give your physical self to be trampled upon.
When I think about how we've come this far, there are no simple quick fixes, there are not even maps to get around, and its merely a question you need to ask your self.
Do I see whats right in front of me? Or do I see a mirage that I have consciously created from the depths of my inability to see forward.
I seem to notice that people have an idea of what love is supposed to be, and honestly when I was young and thought of love, I never would have imagined it this way. However I must say, that having a strong love with Josh the way I do, I could never have imagined it being this right. And as difficult as it seems at times, the very base of the things called love is rather easy Yes, we get mad at one another, we even get vindictive in a slight way, we cry, and get really pissed off at one another. But when we fight, the fight doesn't snuggle up in bed with us, we don't cuss at each other, and we don't hit below the belt.
Your lover is supposed to be your friend, not someone you're competing with. Sometimes I cant always express everything I am feeling, but I start to and then he gets it, and even if he doesn't fully get why I freak out, or cry, or get jealous, he understands that I am a human being and that I am intuitive, that I feel the world around me in a very different way than he does. He sees the wheels spinning in my head and he knows whats up.
In a relationship you have to spend a lot of time, not thinking selfishly. Ya, he may have said something that hurt my feelings, but the world isn't coming to an end. Sometime when I don't understand something from him, I think about how I'm currently thinking about it, and then I backtrack I go all the way to the other side, so I can have an idea what hes seeing through his eyes and how hes feeling it. When you don't understand someone don't get angry, travel into your head and find all the little notes you have written about this person, sifting through the written past you'll find the reasons and answers hidden deep beneath it all. And if people would just take the time to honestly listen to one another, then you could hear what each other is calling out for.
I see often that people in relationships are focused on their self, yes its wonderful to focus on your self to an extent but the world doesn't revolve around your emotional core. When in a serious relationship, you think of you and your special someone, when you make decisions whether or not they are involved you still think of them, how will they be affected by this decision, will they approve, like it, not understand. We've all been there, suddenly you are wanting to do something, and then you get irritated that you have to stop and think of what that person will think, even though its irritating and thinking of them might make you change your mind, its called love. Its what you do when you truly care about someone else.
Instead of making a choice based solely upon what you want is the most damaging thing you can do when in a relationship. There are many times where I go freely about my day, doing things the way I need, but when it comes to knowing whats waiting for me at home, I try and figure out the better choice, even if its not what I want to do. But if you can do that for someone else, then you are doing well.
When I chose to go off and be an idiot, and party when I know I really shouldn't, that's selfish. Ive done it before and let me tell you, a the time its a ball even a blast, but then going home and looking into Josh's eyes, knowing I fucked up, its worse than coming down. People give you respect and trust, trusting that you'll handle their hearts with care. And now some people may say, well its your life you can do what you want.
No, no No. That is the wrong way to go about it, I think.
I married this person, I made a choice, and in order to lead a happy life and continue being loved, I must respect the boundaries we've created as a couple.
When you get married or your with someone for a really long time, you kind of create these invisible rules and guidelines that are only understandable by you and your sign-other. Now, you know what things will fly, and what things don't, well when you start saying to yourself, I'm just going to do it and its going to be okay, I'm an adult I can run my life. Well no it doesn't work that way, if you really want someone to love you. I'm not saying that Josh puts his foot down on my and keeps me trapped, in fact I have lots of freedom. What I'm trying to say is that we know what were doing, and when were doing something wrong, or something that's damaging to our self and others, if in your heart you feel that your sign-other would disapprove, then wait a minute and ask them what they think. You may never know if they will agree or disagree unless you step up be a Bold person and see what they think.
The best gift you can give to someone you love, is thought, and a feeling that they are also thought of even when you're doing your own thing. Its not a hard thing to do, and it really makes a difference.
I wish for my friends to find a love that last them a lifetime. And even if they do not stumble upon it, I wish to always give them my friendship for times of need. Sometimes love comes from people you never expected. Sometimes love is more than just a sexual feeling. Sometimes a love can even be a painfully crafted ending, to a long winding road.
I know its a lot of hard work, as I have worked hard on my own relationship, Ive had to change myself in small ways over long periods of time, but for the most part I have changed to be a better person, someone who is deep, understanding, and someone who will always listen. There is so much that I learned from others experiences, I am grateful to share my experiences in hopes that someone may look at them and see something they didn't understand before. Its really all we can do for one another. I have much to learn myself, so much more.
Again I don't have all the answers, although I wish I could have at least 25% of them, I still dig deep into the depths of myself when I am lost, there you will find the answers to questions you didn't realize you were even asking.
Love is different for everyone, love is a mixture of pain, laughter, sorrow, and Excitement, and you cant just have a love that's sweet, cute, It has to be raw, and real. One ingredient surely wont do the trick, so take the pain, sorrow, and on your way to tomorrow, throw it over your shoulder and let lose an amazing laughter, you will find your self along the way I promise.
Peace
Crito
How does it make you feel,
how do you make others feel loved,
and how do you need to be loved?
Those are questions people should ask themselves, often.
If Love... is the answer to your life long math equation, then what are the correct variables?
Have you found them? Do you even know where to look?
To me this is love, how I do it, and how I survive it. How you love a person is a very important factor in any relationship.Each person is a different, well-calculated math equation, not all variables work for everyone. Some people need only a few variables to complete the problem, where as some need more than they can carry. I watch as some of my very good friends wade through the shores of this vast sea we call love. I wonder why and how Josh and I are able to have made it this far, I don't call it luck, because love is not lucky, love is hidden beneath layers of emotional clutter, hiding in the crevices of your mind, and taunting you through the night. You need it like a drug, you seek it like a baby taking its first breath, and you feel as though you are not complete with out it.
I ask myself what I can tell my friends, who are wandering down that heartbreak road, and I realize that the only thing I can offer is honesty, an open mind, and a nurturing soul. I cant give anyone the correct answers, because what works for Josh and I, well its a special recipe one with ingredients others might be allergic to. I do however offer experiences of my own accord, heartbreaks within my self, and failures that are written all over my body. You give your spirit for someone to lean on; you don't give your physical self to be trampled upon.
When I think about how we've come this far, there are no simple quick fixes, there are not even maps to get around, and its merely a question you need to ask your self.
Do I see whats right in front of me? Or do I see a mirage that I have consciously created from the depths of my inability to see forward.
I seem to notice that people have an idea of what love is supposed to be, and honestly when I was young and thought of love, I never would have imagined it this way. However I must say, that having a strong love with Josh the way I do, I could never have imagined it being this right. And as difficult as it seems at times, the very base of the things called love is rather easy Yes, we get mad at one another, we even get vindictive in a slight way, we cry, and get really pissed off at one another. But when we fight, the fight doesn't snuggle up in bed with us, we don't cuss at each other, and we don't hit below the belt.
Your lover is supposed to be your friend, not someone you're competing with. Sometimes I cant always express everything I am feeling, but I start to and then he gets it, and even if he doesn't fully get why I freak out, or cry, or get jealous, he understands that I am a human being and that I am intuitive, that I feel the world around me in a very different way than he does. He sees the wheels spinning in my head and he knows whats up.
In a relationship you have to spend a lot of time, not thinking selfishly. Ya, he may have said something that hurt my feelings, but the world isn't coming to an end. Sometime when I don't understand something from him, I think about how I'm currently thinking about it, and then I backtrack I go all the way to the other side, so I can have an idea what hes seeing through his eyes and how hes feeling it. When you don't understand someone don't get angry, travel into your head and find all the little notes you have written about this person, sifting through the written past you'll find the reasons and answers hidden deep beneath it all. And if people would just take the time to honestly listen to one another, then you could hear what each other is calling out for.
I see often that people in relationships are focused on their self, yes its wonderful to focus on your self to an extent but the world doesn't revolve around your emotional core. When in a serious relationship, you think of you and your special someone, when you make decisions whether or not they are involved you still think of them, how will they be affected by this decision, will they approve, like it, not understand. We've all been there, suddenly you are wanting to do something, and then you get irritated that you have to stop and think of what that person will think, even though its irritating and thinking of them might make you change your mind, its called love. Its what you do when you truly care about someone else.
Instead of making a choice based solely upon what you want is the most damaging thing you can do when in a relationship. There are many times where I go freely about my day, doing things the way I need, but when it comes to knowing whats waiting for me at home, I try and figure out the better choice, even if its not what I want to do. But if you can do that for someone else, then you are doing well.
When I chose to go off and be an idiot, and party when I know I really shouldn't, that's selfish. Ive done it before and let me tell you, a the time its a ball even a blast, but then going home and looking into Josh's eyes, knowing I fucked up, its worse than coming down. People give you respect and trust, trusting that you'll handle their hearts with care. And now some people may say, well its your life you can do what you want.
No, no No. That is the wrong way to go about it, I think.
I married this person, I made a choice, and in order to lead a happy life and continue being loved, I must respect the boundaries we've created as a couple.
When you get married or your with someone for a really long time, you kind of create these invisible rules and guidelines that are only understandable by you and your sign-other. Now, you know what things will fly, and what things don't, well when you start saying to yourself, I'm just going to do it and its going to be okay, I'm an adult I can run my life. Well no it doesn't work that way, if you really want someone to love you. I'm not saying that Josh puts his foot down on my and keeps me trapped, in fact I have lots of freedom. What I'm trying to say is that we know what were doing, and when were doing something wrong, or something that's damaging to our self and others, if in your heart you feel that your sign-other would disapprove, then wait a minute and ask them what they think. You may never know if they will agree or disagree unless you step up be a Bold person and see what they think.
The best gift you can give to someone you love, is thought, and a feeling that they are also thought of even when you're doing your own thing. Its not a hard thing to do, and it really makes a difference.
I wish for my friends to find a love that last them a lifetime. And even if they do not stumble upon it, I wish to always give them my friendship for times of need. Sometimes love comes from people you never expected. Sometimes love is more than just a sexual feeling. Sometimes a love can even be a painfully crafted ending, to a long winding road.
I know its a lot of hard work, as I have worked hard on my own relationship, Ive had to change myself in small ways over long periods of time, but for the most part I have changed to be a better person, someone who is deep, understanding, and someone who will always listen. There is so much that I learned from others experiences, I am grateful to share my experiences in hopes that someone may look at them and see something they didn't understand before. Its really all we can do for one another. I have much to learn myself, so much more.
Again I don't have all the answers, although I wish I could have at least 25% of them, I still dig deep into the depths of myself when I am lost, there you will find the answers to questions you didn't realize you were even asking.
Love is different for everyone, love is a mixture of pain, laughter, sorrow, and Excitement, and you cant just have a love that's sweet, cute, It has to be raw, and real. One ingredient surely wont do the trick, so take the pain, sorrow, and on your way to tomorrow, throw it over your shoulder and let lose an amazing laughter, you will find your self along the way I promise.
Peace
Crito
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