5 months already. . .

Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .

5 months already

 I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥

My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that I literally grew from a seed, (my husband actually started the seedling) Josh found the apple blossom that dropped on the ground in our back yard, shoved it in some dirt and I took care of it for the remaining season, the summer from hell (Last year), before I knew it we had a tiny little tree growing strong. So I'm going to plant that little tree on top of my box of memories. When I look at that tree growing and changing over time, I will always remember my Little Bean and how its short life affected us so deeply. It is an Apple Blossom tree which is a beautiful tree. . . it will be perfect. I am also going to get a balloon, write a note to my " Little Bean" and send it off. It will be a way for me to say goodbye, to get some closure, to put my mind at peace and to finally let go. I have learned to be more at peace since the loss, but there are still days where I am brought to tears.

I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.

I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.

I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. .  *fingers crossed*

In the mean time. . . 

I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!

April Fools Day 2012

AF arrived today - Happy April fools Day, sorry your IUI failed. Haha :)

April first is never really a great day for me or at least it hasn't proven so over the last few years lol. Last year I remember going in on April 1st, it was CD 3 and my first baseline for what was supposed to be my first IUI, I felt on top of the world, only we found a huge cyst on my left ovary, so that threw a major roadblock in our path and I was crushed in an instant. it did lead to my surgery which was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

I'm going to call the fertility office in the morning and let my Doctor know that my period arrived and see if she has any suggestions for this month, or just let her know we're taking a month break :) I already feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me, and I feel good about not doing anything this month!! I need a girls night out on the town, and not being on meds or having to time things will make a night out much more enjoyable, plus getting to have an normal sex life for a month sounds pretty amazing - no stress, is my kinda thing!!

We ripped out the carpet in our back living room today and if felt great!! I feel as thought I released a lot of residual anger from this failed cycle, Plus the Pnut and I make a great team ♥ Have a Great week everyone!!

After ripping the carpet out I needed yet another project to keep me occupied, so I made a slide show video form our Vegas trip pictures!!

Beta Results for IUI #2

Thank you to everyone for the amazing support, comments, advice, sweet thoughts, crossed fingers, positive vibes and hugs that were sent my way - You all truly helped me get through this week of *infertility torture* - Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥


Since the *faint line* catastrophe, I've been living on the edge of my emotions, and my poor Pnut has been hiding in my shadows trying to avoid the *Crito Craziness* It has not been fun, nor easy, but I'm glad to get off this ride, at least for now.

Beta was Negative

I feel a huge amount of sadness, frustration, anger and best of all, relief!!!

*sigh*

The last few days have been emotionally torturous. Yes I know that sounds extremely dramatic, but it is the freaking truth. . . and anyone on the "IF" journey can attest to what I'm talking about. Waiting is draining. Investing your money and emotions is draining. Having it not work in the end is even more draining. Infertility alone is draining. Uggggg.

AF has not officially arrived, so I do not yet know where we go from here. We most likely won't be doing treatment for April since my left side is about as useful as a shredded up dollar bill. I will call the Fertility office when AF arrives and Dr. Laura and I will come up with a plan of action. I feel angry that this IUI didn't work, I feel like we put so much into it, errrrr. . . But I feel grateful that we will hopefully be able to do it again soon. The next time I will request a a trigger shot so that there is absolutely no confusion about my LH Surge, it will make me feel a lot better. I will also never buy the Walgreens brand blue dye/pregnancy tests... I will admit that if felt kinda nice to *think* I was pregnant for a day. Oh well. . . I'm going to enjoy April and try to not be such a hermit, I'm also going to have a huge glass of wine tonight, because not only do I deserve it, I need it more than you know.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, and I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs, I've been a bad blogger and got behind this week. I plan to catch up on Sunday

Beta Vlog!!

Bummer - It was negative

**Update** Beta is set for 9:15 Friday morning.

I tested this morning after only sleeping for about 5 hours and it was negative :|

(insert the curse words of your choice here _____________ <---They've already been said)

I'm just going to wait until Sat or Sunday and test again. Maybe my initial gut feeling was right, maybe I'm just not pregnant, maybe others were right when they said the blue dye pregnancy tests are just evil and mock woman in their most desperate moments; stupid little faint line. Who knows?!?!

I've decided to *try* and be at peace with whatever the outcome is. There is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. *sigh* It is what it is

If it is negative this weekend then we'll just wait for AF, and try again in May. I can enjoy a hormone-free April :) I have to look at it positively, or else I'm going to lose my mind, lol and I don't have time for that crap. I feel a bit frustrated, but nothing like I did the other day. Thanks for all the super sweet comments. I was feeling down after taking the test and driving to work this morning, but seeing all your comments lifted my spirits a bit more and gave me a tiny boost in the "hope" department - Thanks everyone.

Have a great day everyone!!

Humm... not too sure!

First off - Thank you all sooooo much for all the supportive and positive comments you left on my page yesterday and today. It means so much to me! I hate to be negative, but I had to get it out yesterday!!

Today is CD 26 and I am 12DPIUI

After my emotional freakout yesterday I decided I would test this morning after Josh went to work. And I did. I got a super, super faint line, so faint you can barely tell that it is there, so faint I feel like my brain might have made it up.

This pic is not the best, but it was the only one to actually show this *line* I speak of!

I'm obviously not convinced that it is a necessarily a positive test, so I'm definitely going to test again in the morning to see if it shows up again... OMG, omg, omg... I'm totally freaking out here. Please don't' let this be an Evap line, please, oh please don't let this be a joke. . .

Vlogs!!

*sigh*

The 2ww is not over and I've already lost my mind.

I feel totally un-pregnant :|

Not a single sore boob, nausea or anything. Uggggg Last time my body just knew, I felt so much at first... Right now all I feel is depressed and I'm crying and I feel frustrated... pretty sure it didn't work, I feel nothing except emotion.

I will test in a few days... I'm 11DPIUI and on CD 25.
I hate these feelings. Last time I felt everything, maybe I did mess up the timing. Fuck me. I want to pull my effing hair out... *pulls hair out* *stomps foot*.

I'm so afraid of a negative test... All I can think is - there goes another chunk of money and crap we have to wait another month before we can try again.

What ever will be, will be...

Sorry for my rant - I'm sure will feel like a jack-ass if I am pregnant. *sigh*

March - ICLW

March ICLW

I would like to welcome everyone to "The Redhead Files" and I would also like to say Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by my little corner of the Internets :)

My name is Crystal otherwise known as "The Redhead" and I married Josh aka - The Pnut in 2003. We are High-school sweethearts and we'll celebrate 14 years together on May 1st and 9 year of marriage on May 24th!!

We totally rock ♥

The Pnut and I have been trying to get knocked up and stay knocked up for the last 7 years. We have spent 5 years trying on our own with no success and 2 years of seeing a doctor for Infertility. I suffer from repeat pregnancy loss & Stage IV Endometriosis, which is why I'm an "Infertile" - lol.

Currently I'm in a 2WW - Eeek!!!

This was our first "try" since my 3rd miscarriage in November, 2011. We decided to take my Doctor's advice and wait the appropriate 3 months to let my body heal, and let my heart heal. We were going to try last month, but my Endo got in the way and prevented us from proceeding with IUI # 2, we of course tried on our own, but were unsuccessful - no surprise there! We did IUI#2 on March 16th, 2012 and now we're waiting to see if it worked!!

♥ Fingers Crossed ♥

Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness - Infertility

Week of March 19th: Fertility issues (if any) related to Endo

It is said that 70% of woman with Endometriosis will go on to have healthy pregnancies! I hope I eventually fall into that 70%, because it currently sucks ass to be in the 30% range.

Endometriosis has reeked havoc on my Fertility. My husband and I stopped using protection in 2005 after my 2nd early miscarriage. We have not achieved conception on our own since 2004. I have done fertility treatments, I have peed on sticks, I have charted, I have prayed to the Gods, I have made promises with myself, and I have had surgery.

Having surgery was the best thing that happened to me, because that's when they discovered that I really did have Endometriosis, and it was pretty bad. That was in July 2011 and I felt happy knowing that I finally had an answer, but then I got really angry because of the answer. Stage IV they say... any stage sucks if you ask me. After surgery I was told I had about a 6 month window to try and conceive with help of medication and IUI. We waited 1 month after surgery, did our first IUI in September of 2011 and got PREGNANT!!! We were speechless, in shock, and completely over the moon. I suffered my 3rd miscarriage in November 2011 - We were devastated, at first I didn't want to try again.

While waiting to be able to try again my Endo came back with a vengeance. The left side is completely screwed, completely useless and it will need to be removed eventually. The right side looks better and gives us the best shot, although its not in the best condition either. I have tons and tons of adhesion's and scar tissue which cause things to be in the wrong place and stuck together. We can only "try" every other month since my left tube sits in blood filled sac of scar tissue. Nothing is getting in and nothing is getting out, each month that I bleed during my period, I continue to fill up the blood sac :| When I had surgery in July of 2011 she removed that blood sac, but it came back. Errrr.

I sometimes hate my body, I hate what it is not able to do. I have shed many tears and felt tremendous heartache because of Endometriosis, and yet I still want to fight for what I deserve and that is a family of my own. . . I used to want to be pregnant just to know what it felt like... I craved the experience, over the years my thoughts about being pregnant have changed and evolved. Now I want to be pregnant so I can have a baby... so I can bring life into this world and share our life with it. I want to see myself and husband in this tiny little person... I want it bad, and I'm not going to give up just yet. I still have a lot of "try" left inside of me and I know he does too. But if the time comes where we have exhausted all of our funds and abilities then we will walk away, we will throw in the towel and say goodbye to this painful experience. It has changed us both in many ways, and in the end I know that even thought it hurts I will not regret any of it. We will live Child free. We will not adopt, not that I have bad feelings about that... it's just not for us.

I don't want that time to come where we have to walk away, but if it does then I will have to find peace within myself and I will have to make peace with this disease that causes such emotional and physical pain.

My husband and I just did an IUI with Letrozole on March 16th, 2012 - We are currently waiting to see if it worked and then we'll hold our breath and pray that it sticks.

To any of you out there suffering infertility - I'm truly sorry. Nothing I can say or do will ever make it better, so all I can say is I'm sorry that you are going through this and I wish for you the most beautiful strength to keep trucking along. - Hang in there!!

Happy Spring Equinox!!

Happy Spring/Vernal Equinox ♥

I stepped outside this morning after the last of the storms passed through and I felt great as the sun peaked out from behind the clouds and said hello! I was in a horrible mood last night when I got off work. I just felt stressed and anxious about work and one of my employees calling out on a day that we had an event. I figured it all out, but it sent me into this unbreakable mood. Uggg. But... I woke up this morning feeling renewed so that makes me happy.

I am officially 5DPIUI - Eeek! I'm totally tying not to think about it. . . This morning I looked up at the sun and just smiled, I walked over to the apple blossom tree in my backyard and noticed that it bloom just days ago. I felt that it was a sign, hehe. The beginning of spring brings new life *sigh* I'm trying really hard not to have obsessive thoughts so instead I'm focusing on my Birthday this weekend in order to keep myself distracted - let's hope that it works!! Hahaha. I work for the rest of the week so that should also help things along. I hate 2WW's, but knowing it's a medicated cycle with IUI - gives me a great hope from within that maybe, just maybe we'll be blessed this time. It would be fabulous ♥

I never got around to doing my Vlog when we did the IUI so I did it this morning.
Have a great day everyone!!

Happy St. Patricks Day & Happy IUI ♥

Happy St. Patrick's Day
♥
Like the warmth of the sun
And the light of the day,
May the luck of the Irish
shine bright on your way.

Well I'm not drinking any green beer; however I am chilling on the couch watching "Sense and Sensibility". It is one of my favorite moves about love, plus I love period piece movies!

Sooooo... I am officially in the 2WW - Eeek!!

I had my LH surge on Thursday the 15th which was CD 14. I called Coral and she scheduled Josh for the ARTS lab at 8:30am and scheduled "Us" for the IUI at 9:40am on Friday the 16th! This time our IUI went super smooth! We were not crazy emotional like the last time. Josh and I woke up at about 7:15 and got ready, he was feeling pretty nervous and his stomach was in knots. We were quiet for most of the drive, but it was nice to not be fretting and filled with tension. Josh was nervous, so I let him settle into his own feelings and didn't bombard him with my ramblings, because that would certainty have made things a little prickly. I had not slept well the last two night leading up to the IUI - I was full of nervousness and it was keeping me awake. I was laying in bed wide awake so it sorta kept him tossing and turning. I think he just felt as nervous as me, lol. We were both pretty tired and his stomach never does well in the morning. Plus having to go into a little room and rub one out while your wife sits only about 10 feet away is enough to make any man feel nervous. Hahah, poor Josh.



After Josh gave a sample of his *swim-team* to the ARTS lab we went to the cafeteria and I had breakfast, Josh did not eat at all, lol. He was feeling MUCH better though, hehehe. We headed up the the Fertility office and luckily the wait was not very long :) The IUI went fairly smooth... It seemed to hurt a little more this time, my cervix seemed a bit sensitive, but hey if we get a baby out of this, then I don't care how much it hur. Josh got to do the actual IUI again!! *big smile* He was allowed to do it last time, so it made us feel good that he was able to do it again this time - Dr. Laura is so awesome to let him have that part. I can tell it made him feel very much a part of the whole IUI experience and it is good for him to have a part. I'm the one that takes all the meds, pee's on strips, and goes to all the appointments - so I'm really happy that he is able to feel like an integral part of this not so normal "baby making" process, hehe. I also feel blessed that he's not skiddish about this stuff. We may not talk about it in depth or dissect every detail together, but when it gets down to business he does not fail me ♥ The IUI was quick and we were out of there and on our way home... so smooth and so simple.




I do have to admit that yesterday I did not feel the ovulation pains like I did in September when we did the IUI, so in the back of my mind I was worried that maybe I'd messed up the timing. I woke up this morning for work at 6am and felt the ovulation pains on my right side, I could barley walk without feeling it. I was definitely ovulating and I kinda freaked out thinking that we did the IUI too soon. I called Coral this morning and she reassured me that everything would be fine that the "Dudes" would live up to 72 hours or more. I felt so much better and was able to go about my day without worrying about it. *evil grin* Hehehe - I got home from work at 3:30 and pounced Josh, lol It wasn't really that romantic, but we made sure that even if timing was off, we added a little *extra* to the swim team!! I feel really excited about this month! I hope this works, and I think its really neat that If I do get pregnant, then one day we can tell our child that they were conceived on St. Patrick's day, the day of Luck... Today is also Josh's Nanny's Birthday! I can't believe that it is done and over with... now we just wait. . .

So here I am Ladies. . . in my 2WW. . . only 2DPIUI. . . *sigh* Thank goodness my Birthday is weekend. I'm doing "Painting with a Twist" with a bunch of really great friends. That will definitely break up the 2WW!!

I hope everyone has a Great weekend!! Congrats to those who have recently received their BFP's and for everyone still waiting, hoping, working and fighting for your BFP's - I send you ((hugs)) and lots of luck on this lovely day ♥

Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness - The Mental

Week of March 12th: Mental impact that Endo has had on your life.

For me the mental impact of Endometriosis is sometimes more painful than the physical impact. Either that or I've just gotten so used to the pain that it doesn't phase me as much, or the mental aspect has just become more intense than the pain - who knows!

I didn't officially find out that I had Endometriosis until last July (2011), but when I got out of High-School in 2001 and started making trips to the ER, my doctor told me I "probably" had Endometriosis. I got very depressed, I hated my body and told myself I never wanted kids, in order to keep myself from caring about something I could not change.

I felt crushed... I felt broken... and I felt like I was defective. My then Boyfriend and now Husband Josh, made me a binder with info all about Endo, he put it together one day while I was at work. It had stories about diets, research, you name it - he found it! It was very sweet and it was the only way he knew to help me or even support me. I worried a lot, but didn't really talk about it much to those around me. When I did tell people that I probably had Endometriosis and that it might affect my fertility they just said - "Oh don't worry about that now, it will happen when God wants it to happen". And, just for the record - I HATE it when people say that. Not everyone believes in your God! And how dare you say that God chose not to give me a baby, but chose to give the crack head down the street a baby. I pretty much went into denial about my disease and pretended it didn't exist. I just dealt with it the best I could and tried to forget that I even had it. I felt like when I told people about it that they just didn't really get it. I felt frustrated and closed myself off.

In my mid 20's I felt like I was on top of it and in control. I was getting used to the pain and discomfort and that made me feel strong, although sometimes it would completely knock me on my ass, and then I would feel defeated again. I felt that Endo could not hurt me other than during my period and as long as I had enough Tylenol to kill something I'd be ok. Little did I know how much damage was happening inside my body. I also knew in the back of my head that when I was ready to face my disease head on, I'd have to be ready to face my infertility head on and I wasn't ready for that either. So I went several more years feeling completely depressed inside, feeling broken, and neglecting my health because I didn't care about myself - I was already damaged goods . I was partying, drinking and hiding from what really needed attention. I was afraid to admit that this disease had me in a headlock. I would secretly tell myself "I don't want kids". telling myself that kept baby-fever at bay for a while.

In 2010 I had an emotional breakdown. I could no longer tell myself "we're never going to have kids" and be okay with it. My periods were totally off track, they were giving me horrible pain, I was bleeding in-between periods... I knew that things were getting worse and It was finally time to face the music, because if I didn't do it soon it might be too late. After two early losses and years of unprotected sex with no pregnancy I decided that we had a problem and knew in my gut that Endo was to blame. It was finally time to face the truth and stop hiding from the what was really happening to me. You cant hide from a disease that slowly steals little pieces of you... you just cant.

The Mental impact of Endometriosis is hard for everyone and different for everyone at the same time. It is a daily struggle and a life long battle!

The call...

Today was one of those days :|

I think the hormones I've been taking this month are officially in full swing, because I cried all morning; however I had a good reason to and here is why.

Last week I received a letter in the mail from my Insurance company that said "Congrats on being half way through our pregnancy" Uggg... yea one of those. So I called and told them that I was no longer pregnant and that I miscarried in Nov. So today I get a call today from United Health Care and of course I answer it thinking it could be something important ---> WRONG!!

They were calling to check and see how my pregnancy was going. Are you effing kidding me?!?!? *pulls out hair* Seriously??? You freaking know the instant I don't pay a bill, yet you can't make a little note in your effing system that let's ya know I am no longer with child?????

I was fairly nice to the woman on the phone, because I knew it was not her fault, and I could tell that she felt horrible once I told her what was up. So, after getting off the phone I proceeded to burst into tears. I cried while cleaning the kitchen, I cried letting the dogs out, and I cried before the hubby got home. I was grieving all over again :| I dried up, cleaned my face and let it go. There is nothing I can do. It was a mistake and I just had to feel what I was feeling and be at peace with it. I feel much better now. I'm not going to let it destroy me! If I were not about to jump head long into this 2nd IUI, it may have been way more emotional for me, but I have something to look forward to... and I couldn't be more happy about that.

IUI #2 is cleared!!

Well Ladies and Gents. . . We are officially cleared for IUI #2 this week!!!

Eeeek ♥

I first wanted to say - Thanks for all the sweet comments and well wishes the other day about getting better! My antibiotics kicked in and now I'm feeling like a million bucks!!

________________________________________________________

Today was March 12th - CD 11 and there is still no pain on my left side!! *happy dance* I went into the Fertility office today for a follicle check and my right ovary is looking like the "shinning star" as Dr. Laura so casually said, lol. And shinning she was :) I had a 17mm, 18mm, and 2 or 3 12mm follicles that might play catch up over the next few days - either way that is totally awesome news!! They will continue to grow over the next 3 days and be great sized eggs when I surge. *sigh* I can't believe we are here again... days away from doing another IUI. I'm hopeful and scared... We did an our last IUI on September 13th and it resulted in a pregnancy which then resulted in a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I'm so excited I could possibly throw up - so much nervousness is running through my body, but I feel sooo excited at the same time! I just have to remain positive and calm.



I took some pictures tonight of Venus and Jupiter in the evening sky. It is a rare event, one that the northern hemisphere normally doesn't get the privilege to see. I know it sounds silly, but I'm just "that girl" that thinks everything is a sign, haha. I kinda feel like the planet alignment is a sign, lol that the heavens are speaking to me and me alone... Even Mars, my ruling planet is in the night sky for all to see - wow, I'm very hormonal at the moment - hehehe. I have always been attracted to science and space, and this amazing star alignment is happening right now, right at this very important step in our lives, it has to mean something, and if it doesn't well then it was sure pretty to see :) I just feel so positive about this cycle and I can't help it :)

I hope everyone has a Great week ♥


IUI #2 CD - 11 Follicle Check - Vlog




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I'm all stuffed up :|

Chocolate chip cookies are in the oven - Eeek!

I'm chilling on the couch with my sweet Roxy-baby, a blanket and the sound of rain *ahhhhh* Love it :)

I have been sniffing and sneezing all day - I'm a mess of snot.

Hahaha :)

I got sick this week :| "Poooo Creeeto" is what Josh would say, hehe. Dr Said it was strep and put me on an antibiotic, I'm on day 3 of a 6 day treatment. I went to the Doc Thursday morning and pretty much slept the entire day after getting home, and that is totally not me. Josh even pokes fun at me, because anytime I'm sick I never want to go lay in bed, I never want to nap or rest, I fight it so much. Hahaha. So yea, I slept all day and night Thursday, and ONLY after Josh persuaded me into going to bed, and even then I turned the TV on, lol. It wasn't long after that, that I had a little sippy sip of my special cough syrup and passed out. Josh was really sweet to check up on me and make me food *sigh*. I feel mostly better, no longer weak, and way less feverish, but now I have a super stuffed up nose and it wont stop running. Uggg,lol.

OoooOoo... I smell the cookies *evil grin*

I really hope this whole getting sick thing doesn't rain on my IUI parade i will be sooo pissed off. And... So far so good on that front - I do not feel pain from my left ovary so that is a good sign!! Last month I felt pain in my left ovary at least a week before ovulation. I guess I'm also really glad that I got sick before "O" time, and before my Birthday on the 25th :) I feel like I haven't let myself get that excited about this cycle :| Well, I guess I mean to say - I've not allowed myself to fantasize about it actually working. After canceling our IUI last month I'm trying to look at things with more day by day perspective so that I don't stress out thinking about it. Thinking about it wont change anything. Worrying about it wont change anything. We just have to do it and hope that it works! I feel good about this month and I'm trying to remain as positive as I can. Josh is excited too and that makes me feel more secure :)

Daylight savings time is tonight, well in the AM that is. I'm sad, I actually have to work in the morning at 7 am, Ugggg. I'm totally getting jipped on the whole sleep thing. Oh well...that's life right?!?

Follicle check on Monday *fingers crossed* for eggs on the right side!!

Cookies are done... Yummmmm!!