Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .
5 months already
I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥
My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that
I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.
I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. . *fingers crossed*
In the mean time. . .
I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.
I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!
I think planting that tree over the box is a wonderful idea.
ReplyDeleteI sorta kinda got the idea from the movie "The Help", one of the characters has several miscarriages, there is a scene where she planting rose bushes or something in memory of her losses. I remember bawling like a baby during that part of the movie, but it inspired me.
DeleteWhat an amazing idea. An apple tree for your little apple seed. Sometimes a physical act brings closure that people need. I hope you find peace planting your sapling. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I saw something similar in the movie "The Help", but yes a physical act for me is always very helpful. It will just be me... and maybe the husband... I will make a post about it :)
DeleteWhat a beautiful idea, the tree. Those ten weeks matter, there was a little life who counts for something. Anyone who would think that is silly or who would laugh is heartless.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!! 10 weeks was enough time to steal my heart, lol.
DeleteI think that is a beautiful way to commemorate your little bean. Very special :) I am so glad to hear you are doing ok and ready to move on to the next IUI! I am hoping great things for you for this next round!
ReplyDeleteThank you Joanna :) I am doing tons better, just riding the infertility wave that so many of us are on. I'm excited for May!
DeleteGlad you're at least able to enjoy the time off. It is surprisingly nice to not have to think so much about it. I'm totally with you on the 2012 baby. Oh well. Here's hoping for 2013.
ReplyDeleteThanks Hattie, it is really nice not having to think about testings or charting :) If you were to ask me I probably couldn't even tell you what CD I'm on, except that AF came on the 1st so I can't really not know, haha. I'm definitely not thinking about it everyday which is nice!
DeleteYou really are an inspiration and a bright light here in blog land. I think it is so good that you are doing this and honoring your loved one in such a special way. Hoping for your next IUI so much!!!
ReplyDeleteAwe. Thanks Slynn, that is a very sweet comment :) I'm thinking of you right now as well, sending positive vibes your way! ((hugs)) for better news!
DeleteI wanted an apocalypse baby too. It sounds so stupid, I know. I also had to let go of that dream. Maybe our babies were meant to be 2013 ones instead.
ReplyDeleteHahahah, I'm sooo glad I'm not the only one... I did also have a true fear that I would never get the chance because the world might end in 2012, I would feel this overwhelming pressure to want to have a baby even more so than I already did, a very small voice in my head would whisper negative thoughts and cause me stress about the world ending, lol. I'm sorta over it now :)
DeleteI think planting the tree over the box is such a beautiful idea. What a wonderful way to honor your baby and everything you have gone through up to this point. Crossing my fingers for your next IUI!
ReplyDeleteThank you Becky!! I was inspired by the movie "The Help", at least that's where I got the idea to do it. I'm actually excited for that day to come so that I can say and have my peace... I'm very excited for May to get here!!
DeleteI called my baby my little bean too. It only made it to nine weeks, long enough to see the heartbeat and to be 'graduated' to an OB...but not long enough. I hope that 2013 finds you with your baby in your arms :)
ReplyDeleteReally!!! How neat, I love it when I find others who named their babies, Little Beans... Nine weeks, that's probably when my Little Bean died, I had to get medication in order to have my miscarriage at home, they said the baby stopped growing about a week before. I'm so sorry for your loss, seeing the heartbeat for us made it so real. . .
DeleteCheers to all the hoped for 2013 Babes!!!
Love all those ideas for remembering your little bean!
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily, I was a inspired by the movie "The Help" Have you ever seen it? It was a good movie! I will make a post when I celebrate my Little Bean in June!
DeleteThe tree and letter release are both such lovely ways to remember and honor your Little Bean! I hope that May's IUI is your time and early 2013 meets you with a darling baby!
ReplyDeleteThanks Bird... I'm ready for the day to come, so I can fully move on :) I'm sooo excited about may!!!
DeleteEnjoy your break! Whenever we are on a break, I really like the freedom of that time.:)
ReplyDeleteThe Freedom is sooo worth it. I think we forget what normal life feels like sometimes!!
DeleteLove your paintings. Love the tree and letter, I wish I had a yard that I could plant something!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the break! It's nice to feel normal again!
Thank you!!! I have been feeling the painting bug lately. From the time I was a little kid I've always drawn and been a bit of a natural talent when it comes to art. Over the last 10 years I've completely fallen off the wagon. I have not been creative, and only recently started to get back into my art. I never even painted before, but lately that is all I've wanted to do. Play around with paint and color... I'm normally a black and white, pencil sketch or charcoal kinda gal. I think the last few years of riding the infertility wave... has sparked my creative side once again :)
DeleteThe tree sounds like such a great idea! Hope you enjoy your break!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I tagged you in my post today. I hope you will check it out. :)
Thank you!!! I will definitely go read your post, and thanks for tagging me :))
DeleteFirst, I loved this post. You are amazing. I love the idea of having a special day in June. I hope it is a beautiful and special day for you guys. And I understand about the break! Oh man, sex whenever you feel like it? We just did the same thing for a month. Back to it next month, but it feels a little less stressed again. And I had the same thought the other day about the 2012 baby. I always wanted one too! Even if the world ended, I would have been a mom. But you know what? 2013. Lucky number 13. Maybe it's our year!
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a sweet comment!! Oooooh and I'm wishing you lots of Luck for your new cycle!! I'm loving my break, but I'm secretly so anxious for May to get here. Maybe you could have the first Baby of 2013 :) I will be thinking of you, and Best of luck Girl!!
DeleteWhat a beautiful way to remember and honor your little bean. Beautiful paintings.
ReplyDeleteThank you Emily :) It will be a great way to let go and move forward even more!
DeleteLovely paintings! I absolutely love your plan to dedicate your due date to the baby you lost. The tree sounds like a perfect memorial. My due date is in a few days--4/16--and you've inspired me to find some way to honor my baby.
ReplyDeleteI so relate to your thinking you'd be pregnant again by now. I have every hope that you will be soon!
Yay!!! I love to inspire others, you'll have to let us know what you decide to do. I mean hell, even if you just light a candle in remembrance, it is still something!!
DeleteCheers to all of us and may 2013 be our year!!
Sorry it has taken so long for me to comment! I kept trying from my phone and it wouldn't work! grr! But I absolutely love the idea of the apple tree, Scott and I decided to plant a tree as well! make sure you take lots of pictures! I can also relate so much to you when you said you were thinking you would be pregnant again by now, I thought that 2 years ago then last year, and now again, wow. IF sucks! Just know you are never far in my thoughts and always in my prayers! I am glad to have you as a friend and love all your support, I hope I can give you back some of the support and kindness you've shared with me :) Have a great week!
ReplyDeleteXO
Alexis~
Never apologize for taking time for your heart and soul!!! I'm so glad you are going to plant a tree :) I'm still so sorry hun, I know you are dealing with it in your own way, but, geeeeze... I was so excited for you, and then so crushed for you... I guess I can just imagine the pain that still hangs around, and *sigh* I hope your heart is mending each day. You are such a sweet heart Alexis, We will win this battle eventually, we will, and the victory will taste so sweet in the end!! We are Warriors!!
DeleteThank you so much :) & You are so right! We will win! I can't freaking wait! I wanted to tell you also to stop over at my blog I nominated you for an award :D
DeleteI love your idea of planting a tree over box on the due date! I hope it brings you some peace. After reading "Heaven is For Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back." I'd like to think that all women who miscarry no matter what week it is will see their child grown in the afterlife.
ReplyDeleteI love your pictures, very beautiful, my fav colors :D
What a beautiful idea. It will really help with the healing process, and give you a place to reflect on that life that can now live on in the apple tree.
ReplyDeleteI remember the countdown years well. "Maybe we'll have a 2003 baby, 2004 baby, 2005 baby and so on." I remember looking at my ovulation software every month, seeing what my estimated due date would be, and wondering if I would actually have a child in my arms when that time came. With each passing year, I became less hopeful but managed to hold out hope and after 5 years... I have to say my little munchkin was worth the wait. (He happens to be a February baby!) I'm praying that 2013 will be YOUR year!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTrust me, I know it is hard to hear but you will be a mom to an Earthly child when everything is supposed to happen. When it is perfect timing for you and your child. I truly believe that my Cameron was planned by God and was meant to be born at the time he was born. Same with Nathan, even though he didn't stay with us. He was meant to be here for the amount of time he was here for. We all serve a purpose... even if we don't understand what it is. As painful as it is, you were meant to walk this path. Your life and journey are touching the lives of women around you. They are empowered and strengthened through your story. Their feelings and emotions are validated when, reading your writings, they realize that what they are experiencing and feeling are normal and that they are not alone.
As for your little angel... I think the tree is a beautiful idea! Though your baby never "bloomed" here on Earth, they bloom in Heaven and your tree will be a reminder of that. Big hugs, mama!!! (And yes, you ARE a mama... even if your precious ones aren't here with you!)