Well Happy Leap Day, or year... or whatever it is. <-- Ya, that's about all I got for that. 30 Rock had a really funny episode last week about Leap Year, so if you want funny - go watch 30 Rock :)
Today is 13DPO. 13DPO!!! I do not feel pregnant. *stupid natural cycle* lol
I've had a few tiny symptoms, but nothing to write home about, lol. I have a pregnancy test mocking me on my dressing table and If I had to put money down it would be on a BFN. So I now face the decision that every infertile goes through each month that passes by and she hasn't fallen pregnant.
Do I test and get the heartache over now or wait for AF to show and get lost in a few days of that dreaded "what if I am" ball of crazy emotions crap?!?
I hate that feeling with a passion, so I'll probably test tomorrow morning at 14DPO and put a quick end to this 2WW. I could fool myself and say there is a chance and yes, there is, but sometimes your body just tells ya what tha eff is up, and I'd be beyond shocked if I got a BFP tomorrow morning. I almost can't even believe how much of a freaking drag this 2WW was for me, and how much I let myself get caught up in the "what if" part. And not only that - it was a freaking "on our own cycle" *goood lord* we haven't gotten pregnant "on our own" in 7 years...
I don't know what made me think it would magically work this time around, lol.
Hope get's our heart hurt sometimes. *giggle*
I got emotional about this cycle, or rather I have felt that way over the last few days. I'm sure it is because my body knows I'm not pregnant, and even though I'm cool with that; since we are going to be all set for a good IUI this month, my heart and brain still know that my body failed me once again this month. I could not get pregnant on my own. Uggg. It is okay, and I'm okay. Reminders of what my body doesn't do right make me angry, but after my anger somewhat subsides I want to try even harder. I know I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this cycle, but I was wrong and I did, and it has been emotionally intense. I've kept it mostly contained, lol and haven't let the crazy spew out for others to see, but it has been difficult.
I'll be glad when AF comes so we can get started on this March IUI, Eeeek!!! I'm ready... so freaking ready for this. Bring it on!! It will also be my Birthday month. *sigh* I'm already excited. Hence the reason I sound so bitter about getting excited during the 2ww of this natural cycle. Argggg. Our minds really do take us to strange places on this "IF" journey.
My dreams have been rather quiet lately :| And, I really love to dream!! I love when I get to sleep in and I have those dreams where you wake up and go right back into them. Sadly don't recall any dreams over the last several months. I know I've had them, but nothing worth remembering I guess. Last night I had a weird one that stuck with me throughout the day. I really wish I had not waited all day to write it out as a lot of the details are gone. I can still play the dream in my head as if I just dreamed it an hour ago, some of the little details are just a bit hazy. I have had some pretty crazy dreams in my time and this one is just so odd. Most of my dreams are Cosmic/Universe dreams with planets, nature, moons, fire and just plain craziness, but this one is just very strange.
Strange Dream
I was feeling nervous and unsettled in my dream. It felt as it I was at my old high school or something very similar. I remember walking out onto a theater stage, and in the audience were all these people that I knew. More specifically work people and close friends. I came out onto the stage as if I were going to give a speech of some sort, but then when I started talking I was talking as if I was making an Infertility Vlog for Youtube, and then I realized it so I became embarrassed and then changed the subject to some sort of going away speech. I felt kind of mad at these people in front of me, I felt a sense of bitterness towards them. I'm not really sure, but I just wanted to get away from them. While I was talking I could tell that no one was paying attention, or I felt they wanted me to hurry up with what I was saying. I felt so weird. I finished talking and left, no one got up to say goodbye, they just looked at me. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it had something to do with "I hope I can get back to you soon, I will miss you all"... Then... I was getting onto a large boat or something, but I felt like I was in a hurry, maybe like I was trying to run from something, or maybe I was hiding. I was waiting in the lobby and waiting for Josh, I had to leave and I was afraid that I would not see him. I got on this boat/cruise ship type thing, and as soon as I looked out the window I could see the lobby area below. I saw Josh sitting there so sad, I felt sad, I wanted to run to him so I panicked and wanted to get off, but I wasn't able... I opened the window and balled up some napkins, I threw them out the window at him trying to catch his attention but I missed him... I could feel the amazing power behind the boat engines and were speeding off.
I just want to say Welcome to "The Redhead Files" and Thank you so much for stopping by!!
And also - Hello to all the ICLWer's! This is my first time participating in the ICWL fun! My blog name has nothing to do with "IF". I've had some people ask why?? It is because I started this blog long before I "came out" as in Infertile. Over that last few years my journey thorugh the land of "IF" has been a roller-coaster of emotions, so this blog has become my dumping grounds. Although I'm not excited about being infertile... I'm excited to be here and to be a part of the wonderful ALI community.
The Hubster and I have been TTC for the last 7 years. I suffered two early miscarriages and after the last one in 2004 we decided to go ahead and actually start trying. After the first 6 months I realized that something wasn't right since I hadn't gotten pregnant or even had a scare. We were still rather young so we did what everyone told us to do... Wait. It will happen when it happens, they said. Well we waited... and waited, and waited... and here we are *scratching our heads*. I had a bit of an emotional meltdown in 2010 and decided it was finally time to get serious and see someone. It was the greatest feeling in the world. Sobbing to my doctor and finally admitting that we had a problem lifted this giant weight off of my chest... I had not felt that good in years.
I did 4 rounds of Clomid which were all unsuccessful :| I then started seeing an RE who signed me up for our first IUI. I went in for my baseline ultrasound, and a large cyst was discovered on my left ovary so we were sidelined. I had surgery in July 2011 and they found Stage IV Endometriosis. Ugggg. We did our 1st IUI in September 2011 and I got pregnant!!! Sadly I miscarried at 10 weeks in November 2011. We were completely devastated. Just crushed beyond anything. We took the recommended 3 months off and were all set for an IUI this February, but not only has my cyst returned, my eggs were all on the left side (the crappy useless side), so we had to cancel the IUI for this month, huge bummer :|
My Doctor recommended that we just try on our own for February in hopes that we'll fertilize the one lone egg on the right, lol. So right now we're technically in our 2WW. If I get a BFN then March will be our new month for IUI!!
Thanks again for stopping by and I'm looking forward to getting to know some of you new bloggers!!!
First off I just wanted to say Thank you to everyone for all the amazingly supportive and sweet comments ♥ You really made my day. I logged on after posting my blog and was blown away by all the responses I got. - Thank you all again for lifting me up!!
So I got my LH Surge (positive opk) yesterday on 2.16.2012 on CD 14.
I called the fertility office to let them know, Coral said to go ahead and try on our own since we have the one lone egg on the right side - so who knows what can happen!! I have a bit of a renewed spirit today and hope that my right egg turns into a super egg, lol. One can only hope. So I guess this officially starts the 2WW for me. I'm not getting overly excited, because we've tried for the last 7 years on our own and not had luck... But I hold out hope that anything can happen!!
Coral called me yesterday evening to let me know that my CA-125 came back within normal range!!!! Wooohooo!!! So no need to worry about anything crazy going on in the *baby making oven*. It also let's us know that most likely it is the "Blood sausage" that is creating all the issues right now. No surgery just yet, unless of course something ruptures. Uggg. That is never fun. That happened to me last April and I thought I was dying, lol. It was the most painful experience I've ever had.
Love wise it was wonderful. I'm blessed with a fabulous Husband who cooks me amazing food ♥ We never got to have our picnic the other day, because it was freezing outside, but he cooked steak on the grill which was even better! All year I've bitched about not having a winter and then suddenly out of no where, she decided to stop being so damn shy. We'll do a picnic next month perhaps... maybe around my Birthday
Any-who. . .
Fertility wise - Yesterday sucked. I cried on my way home from work, uggg. I went to my appointment at 12:15 made it back to work by 1:20. Thankfully it was so busy that I didn't have time to be emotional about anything. So as soon as I got in the car to go home everything flooded my brain, and I cried a river in my car.
Let's just say I'll be getting another CA-125 test done, because the mass/blood sausage in my baby-making-oven is just too big for its own britches, meaning it is getting so large and awkward looking that surgery might have to happen anyway. Eeerrrrrrr. They want to make sure it has not turned into ovarian cancer, so they are doing the CA-125 test to make sure my numbers are about the same as last time. I was listed at 146 in May or June of last year which was high, but not super high. Normal numbers are around 25 - I think. We know the number will be high, because of my Endometriosis, so if it is about the same (146) we'll know that it is probably just the Endo going crazy. If the number goes really high they will send me to radiology and then an oncologist. I don't foresee any of that happening, I went through this once before so I'm not really worried. Woman with Endo have higher chances of ovarian cancer, so they just want to be extra cautious.
This month my left ovary decided it wanted all the attention. I have several really good sized follies on the left, and one egg on the right ovary. The left tube is sitting in a sac of standing blood. It is gross. It sucks. It makes me sooo mad. She said we still have a chance because of the egg on the right side, but didn't really recommend doing it, and who in their right mind would take that chance??? What a risk...how stupid and what a waste of money it would be. So we'll wait till next month as long as my CA-125 comes back ok. She said if we wanted to just try on our own this month that would be okay since I did take Letrozole, and we have one lone egg that could turn into a super egg... one can only hope, lol.
No IUI makes me a very unhappy, I've been looking forward to this for months... It was that carrot at the end of the stick that I was chasing. The thoughts of getting started again helped me get through the last several months of deep depression. I. effing. hate. waiting. And I. effing. hate. endo. - And, it is not like you can so oh, well we'll try tomorrow... No... no, it's a whole freaking month, and that doesn't even guarantee that my right ovary will work next month, we just have to hope.
I'm buying wine tonight...
I hope all of you Ladies had a great Valentines Day!!!
And... because I'm pretty sure it is socially unacceptable to get trashed before work at 10:30 in the morning - I'm going to go work out in hopes that it will free my mind ♥
14 Share 7 things you love about your husband 1. His charming sense of humor 2. He is an awesome cook!! 3. I know deep in my heart, that I am the only one for him! 4. He is open minded to the world. 5. I love the way he treats our animals 6. We can spend an entire day hanging out and watching episodes of Star Trek 7. He is patient :)
Share 7 random facts about you- or 7 of your favorite things- or 7 things you love about yourself 1. I have freckles everywhere, except on my butt cheeks! 2. I'm secretly a bad ass artist, who has lost her spark! 3. I'm an Aries 7, Leo Moon, with Virgo rising. 4. I'm a natural redhead, although I dye my hair for a more vibrant color at times 5. My favorite movie of all time is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" 6. I like having alone time. 7. When I was a kid I wanted to be an astronaut, I was never good at math, lol.
12 10-number game- think of your life and think about how the number relates to your life: 1. The number of times I've been to Vegas 2. It's just the two of us :) 3. My Birthday month! 4. My astrological number 5. Our wedding month 6. Josh's astrological number, lol 7. That was a crap month last year 8. We've been married for 8 years 9. Josh's birthday month 10. The time I should have gone to bed tonight, eeek!
2-things you've learned through this IF journey or things you would tell someone who just started this IF journey
1. I've really learned what it means to fall down and get back up... literally having had to pick my self up just to keep moving.
2. I will not give up until my heart says I can.
Thank you for joining in! Be sure to visit 3 other bloggers and spread the love!
Today is my Friday, like actually "My" Friday, meaning I'm off for the weekend!!! I haven't been off for a weekend in a long time. I mean yes, I was off for Vegas, but that doesn't count. Working in the Hotel Industry is a bit tricky. You're never off when normal people are off, you almost always cover the Holidays, and the weekends. I'm grateful for my Job and I love it, but sometimes it's a beat-down, hahaha. I've worked the last 11 days in a row, and before that I only had one day off... So needless to say it's been a very busy last month and I really don't see it slowing down anytime soon.
Josh and I are planning a picnic by the river tomorrow as our Valentines Day Celebration (somehow we got lucky and are both off Sat & Sunday). I'm pretty excited ♥ I just hope the weather cooperates - lol.
I'm going in on Valentines Day for a CD 12 - Follicle Check!!
Eeeek :)
I'm pretty certain we'll be doing the IUI!! I just took my last two pills of Letrozole today - the hot flashes are starting to kick in. . . And I can totally feel my right ovary getting bigger!! Yay :)
I also want to give a big shout-out & congratulations to "Our Journey Through This Lovely Life" for getting her long awaited BFP!!!! So excited for you ♥
Yesterday was 3 months since our loss... I would be about 24 weeks right now... We would have been cleaning out that room and making a nursery...
*sigh*
I'm a fan of a page on Facebook called Infertility Awareness and I jacked a few quotes from the page!!!
Each day I see them, they make me a little more stronger :)
Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. –Alphonse de Lamartine (1790-1869)
Courage is being afraid and going on the journey anyhow. – John Wayne
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. –Chinese Proverb
Just like the night before CD 1, I cried and sobbed Sunday night after Josh went to bed. I thought I'd gotten all my crying out during my "wine-cry-fest" days earlier, but I guess I had some leftover emotions still lingering. I didn't have wine this time around - I just cried and went to bed. I was so nervous about the baseline. It is a make or break kind of appointment if you know what I mean, so it was really difficult to sleep.
I was super excited to see Jenica, the office manager of the Fertility office. Jenica did IVF in December and got pregnant!! It was great to see her - She had that special kind of glow about her :)
It was weird driving into the parking garage. I have to admit that it made me feel a little sick to my stomach at first, but as soon as I walked in the door of the Fertility office I was greeted by Jenica's big smile *sigh* and that settled my nerves. There was a couple waiting in the lobby area, and it made me think back to the day Josh and I first visited the RE office. We were so nervous and hopeful. We were newbs, lol
I got weighed in, poked with needles, had my blood stolen, and then I was sent to that room... The room where everything fell apart in November. If those walls could tell stories... It was the room where we learned our little bean had died *sigh*. It was a little difficult, but I survived.
Dr. L came in with a bright smile on her face and gave me a big hug. I also got hugged by Coral which was really, really nice <3, they are all so wonderful! Dr. L asked me how I was doing, how I handled the last few months, how Josh was doing, and if I was having any pain. I told her I was doing much better, that I cried a lot in Nov and Dec, and that I was really angry during the month of January. She listened to everything, and was very empathetic to the things I was feeling and saying, I didn't feel rushed - Best RE ever!!! I told her that I'd been having a lot of pain in my right hip, and asked her if it was because of the Endo. She said probably, but we could not be certain.
I asked her if I should do anything different this time around... I've had people suggest that I take baby aspirin, She said absolutely not!! It has not been proven to really make a difference, and that it would be best not to add anything to our cycle. I felt better. So many people want to tell you what you should do the next time around, and it's a little frustrating sometimes, because even though you know you're doing everything you can, it still makes you feel like your not doing something right. lol
She started the ultrasound and went after my left side first. I could feel immediately that something was off when she started the internal ultrasound. As she moved the wand to the left it made me jump. It hurt. Great :| On the screen we could see that my Endometrioma (cyst) was back, right along with the blood sausage covering my left fallopian tube. :( Freaking wonderful... Errrrr *stomps feet*
I have stayed on Birth Control since the miscarriage to keep the Endo from going crazy, and it looks as though it did not help me. Stupid...stupid...stupid - Endo *angry eyes*.
We could see all the baby eggs on each of my ovaries, so that's a plus!! We decided that we'll go ahead with the IUI, but my chances of having an ectopic pregnancy is much, much higher now. Errrr. I picked up the Letrozole and started taking it last night. I will take 2.5 mg of the Letrozole, two pills each for 5 days, and because of the cyst I'm going to go in around CD 11 or CD 12, for a follicle check. By that time we'll be able to see which ovary is developing the eggs, she will be able to check the sizes of the follies, so this will be really helpful. If it is the left side that's pumping out eggs, then we'll hold off, and try next month when my right side goes.
Dr. L, is concerned because of my left side, and I'm totally pissed off at my left side. Why does my body have to betray me like this?? It is not fair. I cried on my way back to work yesterday. I was not expecting that my Endo would have grown back so quickly. I am grateful to move on with the IUI, but I felt defeated. I felt like the surgery I just had in July, was useless. . . She hinted at IVF. I asked her if IVF would really be an option considering our problem is staying pregnant. Dr. L said that IVF definitely gives us a better chance, because they are picking the absolute best egg... They grow them for about 5 days and then transfer, so they have the ability to get rid of the ones that will eventually not make it.
So much to think about. . . I'm hoping we get lucky, and that the IUI works again. I will start monitoring my LH surge this Sunday with OPK's, and The hubs and I will do our BD every other day...
I also bought Pre-Seed for the first time ever, 23 bucks for lube - Hahahaha. "Honey, this ain't yo grandma's lube", bawhahahha. Has anyone else used it?? Has anyone had luck with it?? I hope it helps!! Please Wish us luck, and pray that Letrozole does not turn me into a crazy woman, lol!!
Today is February 3rd and officially CD 1!! *Happy Dance and a Booty shake*
I always have to laugh at myself when I get overly excited that AF is coming to town!
♥♥♥
CD-1 should have been yesterday, but AF decided to take her sweet time and arrived late last night. All day I could tell she was coming. I was in a crap-tastic mood, I was cramping, and I was stuck in the normal "auto pilot-period brain". It also seemed as if all I could think about was the miscarriage in Nov :| I kept reliving all the details in my head as if it happened yesterday. I felt so much emotion creeping in that after Josh went to bed I poured a big glass of wine and sobbed like a baby. I realized after crying last night, that I had not cried much throughout January. November & December were so very hard to get through. January was full of anger and frustration. You could say that I was living in a very dark place, yet trying to be normal.
So yea, I was a hot mess last night.
This morning when I woke up I felt lighter than I had the night before. I got out of bed, looked at my self in the mirror and actually smiled a big happy smile. I felt like I had not even done that in a while, or at least if I had it was one of those pretend fake smiles... Today was the real deal.
I called my RE office this morning and spoke with Coral! She sounded happy to hear my voice, which made me feel a little special. I'm scheduled to go into the office on Monday morning at 10:00 am for my baseline ultrasound. Eeeek!!! As long as my uterine lining and ovary's look good, I'll pick up the Letrozole and we'll be on our way to IUI #2 sometime around Valentines Day :) If all goes well, we'll know by the end of the month if it worked. *gulp* *sigh* I'm so nervous, but I will happily welcome the hot flashes and mood swings if we get a baby out of all this!
