Today is 13DPO. 13DPO!!! I do not feel pregnant. *stupid natural cycle* lol
I've had a few tiny symptoms, but nothing to write home about, lol. I have a pregnancy test mocking me on my dressing table and If I had to put money down it would be on a BFN. So I now face the decision that every infertile goes through each month that passes by and she hasn't fallen pregnant.
Do I test and get the heartache over now or wait for AF to show and get lost in a few days of that dreaded "what if I am" ball of crazy emotions crap?!?
I hate that feeling with a passion, so I'll probably test tomorrow morning at 14DPO and put a quick end to this 2WW. I could fool myself and say there is a chance and yes, there is, but sometimes your body just tells ya what tha eff is up, and I'd be beyond shocked if I got a BFP tomorrow morning. I almost can't even believe how much of a freaking drag this 2WW was for me, and how much I let myself get caught up in the "what if" part. And not only that - it was a freaking "on our own cycle" *goood lord* we haven't gotten pregnant "on our own" in 7 years...
I don't know what made me think it would magically work this time around, lol.
Hope get's our heart hurt sometimes. *giggle*
I got emotional about this cycle, or rather I have felt that way over the last few days. I'm sure it is because my body knows I'm not pregnant, and even though I'm cool with that; since we are going to be all set for a good IUI this month, my heart and brain still know that my body failed me once again this month. I could not get pregnant on my own. Uggg. It is okay, and I'm okay. Reminders of what my body doesn't do right make me angry, but after my anger somewhat subsides I want to try even harder. I know I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this cycle, but I was wrong and I did, and it has been emotionally intense. I've kept it mostly contained, lol and haven't let the crazy spew out for others to see, but it has been difficult.
I'll be glad when AF comes so we can get started on this March IUI, Eeeek!!! I'm ready... so freaking ready for this. Bring it on!! It will also be my Birthday month. *sigh* I'm already excited. Hence the reason I sound so bitter about getting excited during the 2ww of this natural cycle. Argggg. Our minds really do take us to strange places on this "IF" journey.
Hope you're all doing well - xoxo
I HATE trying to decide to test or not...which is why I can count on 1 hand how many cycles I've tested the last couple years. Holding out hope that this natural cycle is your heart telling you you're not done fighting yet! Excited at what the future will bring for you!
ReplyDeleteOh man! this is hard! I went through the same thing with to test or not to test! and if you remember my blank digital post!? that was a big sign! I think because I told myself I would wait until the day AF was due and instead I cheated and tested 3 days early! but got no answer! so I waited it out and got the BFP.. But its just so hard! I had my mind already moved onto the next cycle and even pondering IVF looking into insurance and everything. I really really hope that it happens for you and you fall pregnant on your own! you deserve it! & If it doesn't happen this month, you are in a great mindset to take on your next month cycle! you can do it! I am praying for you girl!
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! EVen when I do break down and test early and it's a BFN, I still think, " well, maybe my ovulation day wasn't quite right and maybe it's still too early" even though I know it isn't so. Hope is a bitch sometimes.
ReplyDeleteCan totally relate to all the ladies above...testing early often leads to more heartache but its sooo hard not to test! Good luck !!!
ReplyDeleteThank so much Ladies for all the sweet and supportive comments :) I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates to test, hehehe.
ReplyDeleteIt is my birthday month and we will begin our first IUI at the end of the month....so crazy!! I always tell myself I am going to wait until AF is expected before testing and I ALWAYS find myself running out to the store a few days early because I just can't handle the waiting. Ugh...such ups and downs!! Good luck!!!! Let's hope for great big birthday presents!
ReplyDeleteWow!! Hello fellow March Baby :) I will be sending positive vibes your way and tons of sticky dust - Cheers to March hopefully being our month!
DeleteI am totally scared out of my mind of testing. I have only POAS twice in 2 1/2 years. I hope you get an awesome Birthday present!
ReplyDeleteEmily, I only recently started to test again.. I went for about 3 years without testing... It sucks and usually I like to wait for AF :)
DeleteWe are also hoping you get an awesome bday present
ReplyDeleteI LOVE you guys so much!!! Fingers crossed for a March surprise :)
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