Stupid Cyst :/

Wednesday was a great day and a bad night...

We got our pictures done which was so much fun, I'll make another post with all of our pics when we get them!!! That night after Josh went to bed I was still up in the office playing around on the net and watching a movie. I got up to go to bed and as soon as I stood up I felt excruciating pain from the left side of my ovary. I immediately fell back down in the chair and tried to pull myself together, my breathe was taken away by the sudden pain. All I could think was "I need to make it to the bathroom", I felt sick, dizzy and broke out into a sweat. I left the chair and made it to the kitchen where I dropped to my knees in extreme pain and curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor. I was in agony... After being there for a good 10 minutes I was finally able to crawl into the bathroom. As soon as I got to the bathroom I curled up with the towels and dirty cloths that were sprawled out on the floor. I got so sick that I violently threw up several times, I was peeing on myself as I threw up, I was shaking and it felt like my abdomen had a heartbeat of it's own. Like a headache that splits your head when you bend down; that is how it felt in my uterus, it felt it was being pushed from my body. I threw up a few more times and continued to shake as I stayed curled up in the bathroom floor for another 15 minutes, rocking myself in a fetal position. I was sweating, crying and my entire body was shaking... It was probably the most painful experience I've had ever!! I woke Josh up and told him what was happening... he was already dead asleep, he asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I took a handful of ibuprofen and crawled into bed with a heating pad, that didn't even help. I contemplated on having him take me to the hospital, but I figured If I could make it through the night then I would be okay. I was extremely sore on Thursday and still am. It's painful to cough, sneeze, laugh and even to sit down. I've never felt something so intense as that.

I went in for a visit with Dr. Laura our fertility specialist this morning. Jenicka was super sweet to me and chatted me up for a while in the waiting room :) She always makes me feel okay about why I'm there... Dr. Laura and Coral did another ultrasound and determined that I had a ruptured cyst and that I have several endometrioma's, one of which is about 4 cm. Not extremely huge but big enough to cause issues. I'm tentatively scheduled for surgery on May 18th. I will go on May 13th for an in-depth ultrasound with Radiology associates and then a pre-op visit with Dr. Laura on the 16th to make sure my body is healthy enough for surgery :) I'm ready to get this done and over with. She prescribed me birth control *hahaha* for the next few weeks, to make sure I don't get pregnant (lol) and to control the pain and growth of the endometriosis :/ I almost laughed out loud when she said we're going to put you on BC, I haven't taken that stuff in at least 8 years...hahaa. I know it will help and I am looking forward to some relief from the pain and discomfort I'm feeling.

Well... there will be no IUI

So much fun!

Mr. Pnut and I got dressed up and had our pictures taken downtown Fort Worth on Wednesday!! It was soo much fun and Josh was *grrrr sexy pnut*. He looked great and was ohhh so charming. We had an amazing photographer (Crystal Michelle Mayes) who does "Serendipity-Photography". We went to high school together...although I don't think we ever had a class and I think she knew me from knowing Josh who was the mascot when she was a cheerleader. Needless to say we've been friends on Facebook for sometime now. Since the day she started posting and taking pictures I've been a fan of her work. I'm so glad we did it because she is great to work with, fun, sweet and has an awesome eye for detail in those sweet moments. She has posted two sneak peeks and all I can say is "Wow" She has made us look amazing...I mean we look great *giggle* already but she totally nailed it :) I can't wait to see the rest but for now here are the two pictures! Enjoy and please check her out @ http://www.serendipity-photography.us/

Day - 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity




Like most woman, there are times when I am totally insecure about my weight... Along with my unforeseen future, my tiny vampire teeth, my gap, my legs which always seem to have at least a bruise or two and my southern accent that randomly comes out at the most inconvenient times. However...my biggest insecurity would be my eyes. As a kid I had a lazy eye and had surgery at age 9 to have it corrected. It worked :) As I've gotten older I've noticed the muscles are a bit weaker than when I was a child, so when I take pictures the first thing I look at above anything else is whether my eyes are looking wonk-eyed! It's not all the time and only certain angles. It definitely bothers me more than anything else but I still love *Me* at the end of the day ♥

Day - 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently




I think the picture says enough :)

Infertility re-cap!

From the very beginning shall we...

Since middle school I've had very intense menstrual cramps. I just thought it was what every woman felt. After high school I started having worse pain and weird cycles that would send me to the hospital thinking something was seriously wrong. One time they thought it was my appendix and well let's just say that wasn't fun. I started taking so much Tylenol to deal with the discomfort that it showed when I had a blood test done and my liver enzymes were through the roof. I started taking birth control which helped for a little while (I still had to take Tylenol, but it was some better), then I started taking only the first 3 weeks and I would immediately start another round of birth control. I basically didn't have a period for about 6 months. My doctor at the time said it was most likely Endometriosis but the only way to tell would be through lap surgery. I really didn't have the money for surgery and it seemed risky to me at the time. They offered to put me on Lupron for 6 months to see if that would allow the Endo to die off. I decided against that and chose to just handle it in my own way. I did research on diet and exercise, different things that other woman had posted online, things that helped them deal with it in a natural way. Lupron would have made me go into early menopause for 6 months and I wasn't ready to deal with something like that.

My doctor at that time told me that if I do have Endo then I may want to think about having kids as soon as we think we are ready. I remember feeling so sad when he told me that. They don't really know what causes Endometriosis and so that makes it difficult for people to be treated and for doctors to truly understand how to deal with and treat it. They know what it does and they know the only way of stopping it is cutting it out, but it regrows too. Errrr. At times I felt like my doctors thought I was just being a hypochondriac . Trying to get a doctor to diagnose you with Endometriosis can be very difficult.

I got pregnant in 2004, I had barley found out I was pregnant when I miscarried at 7 weeks. It was a total surprise because we were not even trying. I was devastated inside and honestly a little grateful too which sounds awful to some people; I'm sure. We were in no place to have a child :/ With all the struggles we're having it makes me feel sometimes like our one chance was lost a long time ago. Now, I know that's not true but it's just a feeling and I'm only human! Several months after the miscarriage Josh and I decided we'd stop using protection and just see what happened... We waited, and waited and waited. It was as if we both didn't want to say something was wrong so we just didn't say anything and thought "It will happen when it happens"...we see where that got us. hahah No where... We did not tell our family or friends that we were trying.. We kept it to our selves and after a few years the pain started to show and I shared with my close girlfriends. We didn't even tell his parents or my family we had been trying until last year. It feels nice to now share these feelings and not hold back...although I still do sometimes lol.

Last summer I decided to see my gynecologist and after several months with her I was referred to a (Reproduction Endocrinologist). I got an HSG test done to check my fallopian tubes and make sure they were open. They were much to my surprise! So I thought wow...the endo wasn't affecting my fertility, I thought it was just the morphology and a part of me was relieved because I'd been afraid of that for a while. In the beginning we we're under the assumption that the main *issue* was Josh's morphology, he has a super high count of sperm, great motility and basically great numbers across the board! The morphology is low but not horrible and almost all men have some level of morphology. Morphology is the shape of the sperm and structure, if they have big heads they are unable to penetrate the egg, or they might have two tails and can't swim the right way.

I used Clomid for 4 months I had intense hot-flashes and it messed with my vision, so when I started seeing my Reproduction Endocrinologist or *RE* who I call Dr. Laura, she said I could not take Clomid anymore because it could cause permanent damage to my optic nerve. My vision is still a little blurrier then before the clomid. So she proscribed Letroloze. It's not FDA approved but they give it to women dealing with breast cancer and it really seems to help and it also doesn't thin out the uterine lining like Clomid does.

We were going to do an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) along with Letrozole for increased ovulation but I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and a cyst was found on my left ovary. So that totally threw us off track. Dr. Laura thinks it's an endometrioma which is caused my endometriosis :( I'll go back soon for a follow-up ultrasound and find out where we go from there. Surgery may be an option and at this point I'm going to say yes if it's necessary!

On auto pilot...

My brain has been in la-la land lately and it feels like April is flying by with record speed. I've been in a fog, a funk...a whatever you call it. I wouldn't say that I've been depressed but just on auto pilot kinda. I haven't blogged since my *Lava Dream*. I haven't even been on top of my 30 day photo challenge and I was using that as filler already! Ever since the diagnoses my cyst I've tried not to really think of it much and so I just go about the day and put it out of my mind. Having to wait 4 weeks to find something out is a total bummer. So the best way to get through the month is suppress those crazy obsessive feelings and just wait until it's time to do something about it.

I recently got my hair cut, added a vibrant red to enhance my color and I have to say it's helping me feel a bit more alive. I find waking my brain up from the winter is taking a lot longer this year. Spring is definitely here, I can already feel that we are going to have a hot summer and probably very little rain. I have been exchanging emails with a friend over the last few weeks, she had questions about the IUI treatment we were going to do. I sent her an explanation with a little back history and she suggested I use it as an "Infertility Recap". I think that's going to be my next post... Having an email pen-pal is kinda nice!

Josh and I will be getting our pictures taken by Serendipity Photography at the end of April and I can't wait!! We haven't had professional pictures taken since we got married and that's been 7 years :) Next month we celebrate 8 years on May 24th. May 1st 1998 is the day Josh asked me to be his girlfriend so we always count that as our full number of years together and that will be 13 years! I'm so proud of us ♥

Day - 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you





I've thought on this photo for days and days... Many people inspire me and to be truly honest I am inspired by everyday people, people I don't even know, people I see at the counter at the gas station, who are abnormally chipper for being at stuck at work, people who are actually helpful on the customer service line...lol

So I've decided that Women inspire me the most. They are my amazon warriors, my female friends, my sisters from other mothers, the mothers that never birthed me, the women who tell it like it is, the women who raise children and still manage to work and or go to school, the woman who studies instead of parties all night, the woman who cares for others in such a way you think they must be sent from the heavens, the woman who work their asses off everyday and the women who rise above the expected and achieve the unexpected. The ones I lean on in times of need and the ones who help me figure out my biggest problems. The ones who show me that anything is possible by their own actions and accomplishments. They are each different, each playing the different cards they've been dealt, each inspiring to me in specific ways, each strong and still nurturing at the same time. No offense to any of you awesome men out there but Women...we've come along way. We owe it all to the woman who came before us and the men who once stood and still stand beside us ♥

Day - 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die



I want to go Hang Gliding before I die! Soaring above the ground like a bird would be amazing ♥

Day - 14

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without



I could never imagine life without Josh Bernard...my one and only Pnut. He is a sweet husband who makes me laugh on a regular basis, knows all my looks even when I don't, introduced me to star trek, fixes the computer when it's not cooperating, sings to my heart, cooks me amazing meals and still tells me I'm his *hot wife* He and I are total opposites but we fit together just perfectly ♥

Day - 13

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist



"Regina Spektor" and "Florence & the Machine" - I ♥ them both!

Day - 12

Day 12 - A picture of something you love



I love sunsets, sunrises, full moons, clouds, the ocean, the stars and storms. I love nature and her many wonders. It's real beauty if you look at it just right ♥

ps... all the picture in this little collage are taken be me!

Epic Dream - The Lava River

It's been a while since I had one of these *end of world* crazy dreams, but last night it all played out in my head like the movie "2012" hahaha!

My Dream

My best friend Sarah and I were all dolled up to hit the town, we were starting to drive away and were already on the highway. Out in the distance I could see that the sky was orange and smoky, it was very odd looking, like nothing I'd ever seen. Almost as if there was a fire somewhere. We pulled over on the side of the road to see what was going on. While we were standing on the side of the road and I began to see giant orange plumes billowing into the sky. My heart started to pound instantly and then suddenly I screamed at Sarah "We have to go, we have to go now, Lets go now" So we got back into the car and we're driving back to my house when we start seeing people everywhere coming out into the streets to find out what's going on. When I got to my house Josh was in the back yard. The creek that runs behind our house was full of lava. Seriously...The ground felt like you were walking on a giant bounce house. Nothing was stable. I remember running into the house, and for what ever reason there were more random people in my house seeking out cover and protection. I was running around grabbing cloths, and a few dishes and silverware, pictures and whatever else I could fit into my backpack. It's as if I knew were were going to be taking a journey somewhere. I can remember trying to get a TV station to come in but nothing was working so I tried my Iphone (I don't even have an iphone in real life lol). With the Iphone I was able to see the news and look at my facebook (weird). I saw other people posting stuff about the lava and fires that were happening, they were posing pictures too. From the posts I could see that this event was happening everywhere, in different cities and countries around the world. The news stations said "The End is coming: Prepare yourself" It was totally insane. At one point we decided to stay in the house and sleep, I was still adding things to my backpack trying to prepare, all the while my brain is going in and out of freak out mode. I'm not sure what happened to Sarah, once she dropped me off in my dream she was gone, she must have gone home to the kids. While were were trying to sleep, the people in the next room jumped up and started screaming. We got up too and looked out the front door and the Lava was filling the streets, our house was now floating along this lava filled river. Everything was hot and people were screaming and trying get on top of their roofs. Then from what I can remember it was the next day and things had calmed down. To our amazement our house was still in the same spot it was before the lava river came. When we went into the backyard to look at the creek it still had lava flowing but it had dissipated somewhat, the shape of the land was different, I could see these giant hills that were not there before, they had lava flowing from them. I vaguely remember the news telling us that something was shifting which was causing the crust to be unstable, which was causing the lava to seep up through the ground. I can remember looking out in the this very dark night and see this glow that winded around the city and it would bubble up in some places shooting lava into the sky.

It was a pretty intense dream I'll say that. It really has been a while since I've had one of these dreams. I call them my "Epic Dreams" because they are unlike anything else I dream about adn I've been having them since I was about 11 or 12. Mercury went Retrograde in Aries on March 30th and Neptune entered Pisces April 4th, 2011...so Maybe I'm picking up on some planetary vibes or something - who knows!! I'm noticing a pattern to these dreams, they are almost always in March/April and then Sept/Oct. I have them every 6 months. Hummm...Very strange!

Day - 11

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate



I absolutely HATE Infertility and Endometriosis! It's not only physical painful but emotionally painful as well. Infertility is a *bitch* and she shows no mercy! It's a daily struggle and it makes my heart hurt in a way I never thought possible. I'm a fighter and I'm not giving up just yet. It's difficult watching all your friends and family have babies knowing you may never get that chance. I hate...hate..hate when people say "Do you think you can handle this" or "Why don't you take my kids for the weekend and see how you like it" Ugh...Ummm...hummm let me see. I really don't' think I would be putting myself through all of this if I didn't think I could handle it. Infertility totally sucks :/

Day - 10

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with



Mama Sarah is one of my very Best friends! We were weekend warriors back in tha day!! She is my dance floor buddy and my shot girl. My "I'm not gonna put up with that shit" kinda girl and my "let's do a drunk whataburger run" at 2:30 in the morning girl. We've been pool buddies, river buddies, and camping buddies. We've been there and done that and that's a fact! She's my silly Virgo - that's always up for a good time or even just a chill movie night. The best part...is that we have many more years of memory making adventures to tackle and I look forward to each and every one ♥

And sometimes you hit another road bump.

Today totally sucked!

AF came last week after being a week late. I didn't even buy a pregnancy test because I knew deep within that I was in-fact not pregnant, that my body was just playing games with me. I was sick last week and on antibiotics so that may have had something to do with it. Once it finally got here I was soo excited to go in and get the ball rolling on this IUI or as I like to call it the "TBP" meaning....*turkey basting procedure*. The plan was to see my fertility doctor today, check the lining of my uterus and my ovaries, pick up and start taking the Letrazole and be a happy little clam on my way to possible baby-bliss. That is totally not how it went down :(

I worked late last night and went to bed at 2am knowing I had to be up at 8 this morning. What can I say...I was nervous. As if I was waiting for the first day of school and so I got sucked into lame internet crap and couldn't shut my brain off. Josh woke me up and I literally had to drag myself out of the bed. I made it out of the house and to the doctors office on time...so I'm proud of myself for that!

Jennicka, the *infertile receptionist* greeted me with her normal bubbly chit-chat and then I waited for what felt like forever but I'm sure it was all of 10 minutes. I got weighed, poked with needles and had my blood pressure taken..which was fantastic as always. I went into the little room, dropped my drawers and got as comfortable as I could possibly get...considering I had my legs in stirrups. First was the pelvic exam and ladies you all know what that's like. For you guys that are possibly reading..you really don't want to know. Dr. Laura immediately noticed that I have a tilted uterus and that my left ovary was larger. She joked "maybe you just have really healthy ovaries" lol. The sonogram showed otherwise. I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary :( I could feel the pain and tenderness from it as she moved the sonogram wand around and I could see it on the screen. My first thought was "oh crap, that's what that is" I've felt the tenderness of this for several months and my gynecologist never thought it necessary to do a sonogram...errr! It is most likely a cyst caused by endometriosis. Most women will get cysts during their cycles and they normally just go away, it's actually pretty common. This is a different type, one that most likely will not go away on it's own because it's blood filled instead of fluid filled. So we are unable to start the IUI this month *sniff sniff*. I have to wait 4 weeks and go back in for a follow-up. If the cyst is still there I'll have to wait another 2 weeks, then go to Radiology Associates and they will do a more in-depth sonogram and decide if I need surgery. If I need surgery they will cut out the cyst, assess the damage to the ovary and surrounding area, possibly remove any other area's that are affected and send tissues samples to pathology to rule out cancer.

As I put my cloths back on and sat there, I really don't know what was going through my mind. I was so focused on not bursting into tears that I put on that fake happy face and for the moment pretended that I was not at all affected by this news. I paid Jennicak my 50 dollar co-pay, tried to smile my way through signing my receipt as she quietly looked at me and whispered "I'm so sorry". I felt comforted...knowing she knows exactly how I must have been feeling at that very moment since she herself has been infertile for several years. I made it into the elevator, out the front doors, and half way through the parking garage before the first tears escaped. I felt lost driving away. Like I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend this was really just a sick April fools joke. I stopped by josh's job to get a cig, but really I just wanted to see his face and hear his voice. I saw him only for a few minutes, long enough to tell him that we couldn't start the IUI and that I had a cyst, I didn't really go into detail and contained myself from crying since he was at work. He knew instantly that I had been crying, he knows me too well.

I walked out the door and cried the whole way home. I felt so sad inside and I felt like I didn't want to burden anyone with my stupid sad issue. I did but I didn't if that makes sense. I know that sounds silly, because I have plenty of people who love and support me...but I could not pick up the phone to call anyone except for my Grandmother. I called her and instantly broke down on the phone, I sobbed as if someone had died, I wanted her to be right there to hold me in her arms and stroke my hair. I knew she would pour sugary words of love all over me and tell me how much it was going to be okay, that she loved me and that she was so sorry for the hurt in inside my heart. She calmed me down and then I called Sheila, my amazing mother in-law. I tried not to really cry because I have this uncontrollable need and feeling to be strong so no one needs feel bad for me or pity me. But as soon as I start talking with Sheila...her sweet words of kindness and love bring down my walls, I love her so much. I text Anna a short of everything :) and called my Mom :) They all helped me though this morning. They are my female tribe ♥ They lift me up when I am sad and hurting.

I ran a hot bath, turned on some good music and cried while shaving my legs...lol. Josh called to say he was coming home early and I started to feel relieved that I would get to see him before work, that now I could truly make it through the rest of the day without crying. Just to see him, smell him and feel his touch, his strong arms hugging me...was all I needed to make me feel better. We talked about everything and he just let me vent it all out. He made me feel like I was going to be okay, that we were okay, and that this will just be more of the story we tell our child someday. I think he might have even felt a little better that it wasn't just the morphology that's hindering our journey :) I love that man with all my freaking heart and it's days like today that I know deep within my soul that I will love him forever even if we are never able to have babies. We have something great and if parenthood isn't in our cards then he and our animals will be enough to fill my heart with love, adventure and peace. We've gone this long with just one another hahaha. The emotional pain of going through all of this is rough and to know that he is right there by my side let's me know that we can get through anything together.

Luckily I made it through work without a single tear! However...writing this blog, I've already cried several times and yet I feel so much better than I did this morning. I've let everything wash over me and now I'm drying off. I can't just walk around depressed and sad. I have to move on from those feelings and get through the next month!! I don't want to be that "Crazy Infertile" who people whisper about.

Cheers to a new tomorrow ♥

Day - 9

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most



This woman has gotten me through most everything in life. She was one tough cookie who seemed to always put it bluntly. She rescued me from a life in foster care as a child. Things were not always easy and we fought like crazy the older I got. Despite our difficult times...I love her more then myself sometimes! I see her now as this delicate flower I must protect in every way. She taught me about people and how to read between the lines, unconditional love, picking yourself up after devastation, being happy with the things we had instead of things we didn't have. I watched her suffer deeply when her husband *my papa* died. She raised my brother and I on a small social security check and always made sure we had food in our bellies, cloths on our backs and love to see us through the hard times. She was hard on us from the beginning, but she just wanted us to have a chance and wanted to see us grow up responsibly. She taught me a great deal about life and how to make it when the odds are stacked against you. She is an amazing woman with a very big heart...she is my Mom, my Nanny and my best friend till the end ♥