Sometimes I'm not very positive. . .

IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . .  I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. .  . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . .  I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.

Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.

Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|

I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . .

Living in the funk...

Blah - freaking blah! That is what I have to say about today. Ugh...

I feel like I need to cry, scream, pout, stomp my feet, feel sorry for myself or all of the above. I'm not 100% sure why, I just know it's in there *my tears* waiting for the perfect moment of silence to unleash a flood of salty emotions across my face. I hate being in a funk like this...Errr :/ I hate when I feel my emotions have taken over the wheel and are happily playing a cruel trick on me.

I need a big fat double vodka tonic on tha fly! with a lime and maybe even a shot on the side. Yep - that would definitely do the trick today.

I'm still waiting for the results from my scans. I called Coral yesterday and she said "Dr. Laura just got back home and would be logging on to review your scans sometime in the next week". She's on medical leave so I'm playing the waiting game still. It's not her fault and it's not the worst thing in the world but good-lord it frustrates me beyond anything. It feels like July is forever away. Coral said that I probably wouldn't know anything about my scans until my pre-op visit. Unless Dr. Laura sees something of concern other than the cyst's, then she'll call and let Coral know who will then call me... My CA-125 levels were elevated to a 146 and I still don't really know whether that's a problem, I guess they really don't know either until surgery. Coral said that Dr. Laura would try and get with me before my pre-op but in all honesty it looks like I'll just be waiting till July. So I guess no news is good news in this case. I'm bummed though...I just want to get past this and move on, I feel as if I'm stuck like Chuck and my patients are starting to get thin *they weren't very thick to begin with*. The worst part is that I have no control over anything and I just have to wait it out some more! *very long sigh* In June it will officially be a year since we started seeing someone for our infertility problems and we are pretty much in the same place as before. Yes I know, we are a little bit closer, but to be honest that doesn't really mean shit to me right now... It's disappointing, seeing babies and pregnant women lately has made me feel slightly bitter inside. I've been pretty good at controlling my jealous *wanna-be-mom* feelings but it's really hard sometimes:( I know this shall pass and I won't always feel this way, but today I just have to get it all out because it's driving me crazy inside.

I feel a sad movie night coming on. Hahaha. When I get this way I usually have to watch a sappy sad movie to unleash the sadness within myself. It won't be too difficult tonight...it's been building for days and I can't wait to just leave work and have myself a personal pity party - Party of 1 please. On a side note I painted my bathroom this week and it looks pretty awesome if I do say so myself! The walls are painted in a Turquoise with chocolate brown trim :) I plan to buy more paint next week and paint the bedroom and possibly the back living room...although I'm still debating on what colors! Ugh - so many decisions when it comes to paint. Maybe that will pull me out of this bad mood I've become friends with...lol

On auto pilot...

My brain has been in la-la land lately and it feels like April is flying by with record speed. I've been in a fog, a funk...a whatever you call it. I wouldn't say that I've been depressed but just on auto pilot kinda. I haven't blogged since my *Lava Dream*. I haven't even been on top of my 30 day photo challenge and I was using that as filler already! Ever since the diagnoses my cyst I've tried not to really think of it much and so I just go about the day and put it out of my mind. Having to wait 4 weeks to find something out is a total bummer. So the best way to get through the month is suppress those crazy obsessive feelings and just wait until it's time to do something about it.

I recently got my hair cut, added a vibrant red to enhance my color and I have to say it's helping me feel a bit more alive. I find waking my brain up from the winter is taking a lot longer this year. Spring is definitely here, I can already feel that we are going to have a hot summer and probably very little rain. I have been exchanging emails with a friend over the last few weeks, she had questions about the IUI treatment we were going to do. I sent her an explanation with a little back history and she suggested I use it as an "Infertility Recap". I think that's going to be my next post... Having an email pen-pal is kinda nice!

Josh and I will be getting our pictures taken by Serendipity Photography at the end of April and I can't wait!! We haven't had professional pictures taken since we got married and that's been 7 years :) Next month we celebrate 8 years on May 24th. May 1st 1998 is the day Josh asked me to be his girlfriend so we always count that as our full number of years together and that will be 13 years! I'm so proud of us ♥

Ready for a better week!

It's quite possibly been the most stressful last two weeks I've had in a while.

My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.

My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.

I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.