IVF Update for my Bloggy Peeps!!

I know it's been a little while since I posted an IVF update on my blog so here goes!!

I had my Hysteroscopy on Tuesday March 26th and everything looked great. The surgery was quick and minimal :) There were no polyps or scar tissue found *Happy Dance*. The recovery time was very quick and I only had slight bleeding and cramping. Overall things went really smoothly.

We officially received ALL of our medications today!! Eeeeek. Josh text me today at work as soon as they arrived, hehe. Seeing that box brought a smile to my face, but when I opened it up, seeing everything in that box made me a little nervous. . . so many needles it makes my stomach a little queasy already, lol. I'm starting to feel anxious throughout the days now, I know my mind is preparing for this gigantic step we're about to take so the stress I'm feeling is something I need to get used to over the next few weeks. It's just such a nerve wracking process. But I'm suuuuuuper excited to be here!! This has been a long time coming, a long journey with lots of bumps along the way and I feel so unbelievably blessed to get this chance. Next week I will have an appointment to go over all the medications and we'll get our timeline!!! The timeline is a calendar with your medication start date, doses and your estimated egg retrieval and transfer. OMGawdddd. It feels so weird to actually say "our retrieval and transfer". Some days, many days along the way I felt like we were never going to get here, but here we are ready to dive in head first :)

For any of my blog readers that Facebook - I made a Facebook page for "The Redhead Files". Over the last year I've slacked off on blogging and it's partly due to not actively trying to conceive and partly, because I started making videos/Vlogs on YouTube!! I will be posting videos, thoughts, ups, downs, and pictures on my Facebook Page with friends and family and who ever else that wants to follow along. Cheers to IVF in 2013!!!!!

Facebook Page 

 

The Redhead Files 

My 30th Birthday!!

I can't believe I'm THIRTY years old!! Ahhhhh -Crazy I tall ya, crazy.

All I can say is that I had a complete blast and I could not have asked for a better way to celebrate. I felt so loved and blessed to have such wonderful friends to share it with me. It was just a great day!!

We celebrated my birthday at the old Holiday Skating Rink that I used to go to as not only a kid, but as a teenager too. We dressed in our best 80's fashion, (cuz I was totally born in the 80's) and skated to old-skool 80's hits, ate hot dogs and had a few adult beverages. I kept it minimal with the alcohol, because of the fertility stuff, but I told myself it would be okay to indulge a little on my Birthday! After skating we all headed back to my house and some of us made a Harlem Shake video!!! Hahaha - IT. WAS. SOOOOO. FUN!!! Hahaha. I will share the link at the end of the post.

  I must admit that I felt a little sad on my actual Birthday, Monday March 25th. Every year since I've been an adult, my Grandmother would call me and sing "Happy Birthday" first thing in the morning on my birthdays, she was the only call I'd answer that early in the morning, lol. She did it ever year, as soon as I'd pick up and say hello, she would immediately start singing and I would get the biggest grin on my face. . . it's as if she made my birthday official by doing that, and I would go about my day feeling special and happy, hehe. This year it was just my brother who called. My Dad called a few days before, he was a bit early, but he's had stokes so he gets a free pass on that one, Haha. Oh and my sister called that evening!! It just felt weird not to get that birthday call from her, it also felt weird, because my actual birthday felt like just another day, imagine that *sigh* true adulthood right there, baby - lol. Also, two people passed away on my Birthday *sigh*  My aunts, Mom from cancer and my Accounts Payable Manager's Dad passed away from complications of pneumonia, although it seemed rather sudden :( Good grief, I need a break from people passing away. We are only 4 months into this year and I've already been to 4 funerals :|

Overall. . . I'm soooo happy to have turned 30 ♥ It feels good!!

Looking back on my 20's. . . I had a ton of fun so I'm not sad, because their gone, I'm grateful that I can look back and know I really enjoyed my them. I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, took a lot of pictures, grew up a lot, evolved as a person, as a human being, as a wife and friend. I learned that love is more valuable than ones image or material things. I learned to sacrifice my own needs for others when needed,  I learned how to survive in this crazy world, this fast moving, uncertain and ever changing world we call home. I'm alive, I have a future ahead of me, I have a car and a roof over my head, I have an amazing Husband, I have a good job, great friends, I have deep love in my life and the ability to love others. And, through all my struggles; and there have been many, I'm still so damn grateful to be here in this world, to be here living, breathing, loving, laughing, hoping and pondering. I've learned that life can be simple and for me that is total happiness.

I'm excited to see what my 30's will bring!!

 

 

 

 

My 30th Birthday Harlem Shake Video - Heheehe.

Dream from last night. . .

I had an odd dream last night. . . My dreams have been a little quiet lately. I had a few after the passing of my Grandmother, but haven't had much since. If ya can't tell I like to document my dreams on blogger from time to time. It is actually pretty cool being able to go back and read over the details, since they seem to fade a bit over time. 

So the dream. . . 

I was pregnant, huge pregnant. I was at home, I got out of bed and felt my belly was sitting really, really low. I felt around and felt some more. . . something didn't' seem right. I felt all the way down to my crotch area, lol. sorry not sure how else to say it. I could feel something down below. As I felt around even more I could feel little tiny feet sticking out of me. I immediately realized I was having the baby and grabbed onto both little feet. I pulled slowly and pulled my baby out of my body. . . It was beautiful, but not breathing. I laid it upon my chest, I wasn't freaking out or anything, I was calm. I then pressed my mouth to its mouth and breathed into its tiny lungs. . . a few more breaths later and I could feel the tiny baby's chest rise and fall, and rise and fall. After that Josh was there with me and we held our baby close together. . . watching its every move. It was amazing *sigh*. I can't tell you what the gender was, but I felt as if it was a girl. . . I just can't say for certain. 

Very strange. . . but I loved the dream. It felt so real :) 

I guess the closer we get to our IVF cycle the more active my dreams will become.! I have my Hysteroscopy on Tuesday, the day after my 30th birthday! Eeeek :)

Still can't believe I'm going to be 30 on Monday.

Have a great day everyone!!!

 

IVF update!!

We officially went in on February 4th for our first IVF consult appointment!!

Since my grandmother passed away the day before our appointment my brain was not really focused on the IVF stuff. The day of our appointment we were supposed to give blood and "swim team" samples, but I also had an appointment with the funeral home that day, so we didn't get to do that part, because I needed to leave earlier than expected. I've been holding out on doing anything over the last couple weeks, because I just needed more time to deal with her death. I didn't want to start blood work until I felt a little bit more normal, and less emotional. . . I'm doing better now. It is still hard and it hurts that she is gone, but I'm learning to smile again. . .

Josh and I went to the Fertility office on Friday to get things started!! I went to GNC and picked up our high antioxidant vitamins. Geeeez. . .  72.00 Bucks for a 1 month supply for both of us. *gulp*

I gave about 8 vials of blood and Josh also gave blood and a "swim team" sample. (He's such a trooper)

They did a Direct Sperm Antibody test, in the office - which came back normal!!! They are also doing a Sperm Fragmentation test, to see if we'll need IVF - ICSI.

My TSH level was normal :)

I learned that I'll need a diagnostic Hysteroscopy, as my Doctor thinks I may have a polyp. . . Uggg. On March 22nd, I'll have my pre-op appointment and on the 26th I'll have the "mini surgery" as they call it. My doctor will do it in the O.R. and put me under that way if there is a polyp, she can remove it and send it off for testing ASAP.

Once I get the Hysteroscopy done, we'll go back into the office and go over all of our blood work and swim-team tests. Then we'll set up a start date for our IVF cycle and go over the medication process. I think we'll have to schedule a class with the nurse to teach us how to do the injections, what to mix, when to mix and all that good stuff.

Holy Crap. (O.o) -  I'm getting more excited each day!!!

 

A new challenge. . .

The realization that my Grandmother is gone really set in this week . .

My Grandmother always helped my Dad when he ran into problems, I have helped him too, but now that she is gone. . . he becomes my responsibility. *sigh*. My family is not the type to jump in an help, so I do not expect anything from them, which is okay, because I'm used to that. I don't mean to say that in a bad way, I love my family with all my heart, but now there is no one left to swoop in and rescue him when he can't help his self. So now, I'll take the reins and I will try and keep my sanity.

My Dad has had several strokes over a 6 year period of time. He suffers with COPD, cirrhosis of the liver and can't communicate with most people because of the strokes. My Dad had been staying with my brother over the last several months, they don't get along very well. Last week my Dad left my brothers and went to my Aunts house to stay, then he went to the Hospital. He was there for about 4 days and is now out. He had a flare up of his COPD, and now the doctors are putting him on oxygen throughout the day. When he got out of the hospital yesterday he had no where to go, so I got him a room at a motel down the street for the next week. He get's a disability social security check each month so he has funds, but he doens't have enough to get a place right now and doesn't get paid until the 1st of March. Josh and I are going to help him with a deposit on an apartment that is literally 5 minutes from my house, so I know once we get him settled into a place things will be a bit easier to handle. But right now. . . I feel so overwhelmed with what I'm supposed to do. I need to get him on some sort of housing assistance, but last time I checked there was a 3 year waiting list. I feel anxious about helping him, because I know it is up to me now. I need to write down all of his doctors info and insurance crap and so on. . . His mail already comes to my house, I guess I should start opening it up to figure out what is going on with him, he's unable to read and can't really tell me anything.

I'm fine taking care of my Dad. I've done it before, with all his doctors appointments and stuff, so I'm not concerned about that. Most people in my family don't understand why I won't let him live with me, and that's the part that is hard. Feeling the judgment of others, who in all actuality don't even give a shit about him is hard. And, I wont let him live with me, but I will help him in all other ways I possibly can. I have my reasons. My Dad continues to drink on a daily basis (wakes up at 8am to get a quart of beer and it goes on throughout the day), he is a mean grouchy person who doens't get along with most anyone. Guilt, from not allowing him to live with me is hard to swallow sometimes, but I'm not going to put his happiness above mine or Josh's. Him living with me would make our relationship strained, and like I said, he is kind of a mean person. Emotionally he is destroyed and has been for years, so it makes him a very bitter person, he thinks everyone is out to get him and feels entitled to being taken care of. So, I'm doing what I can the best way I know how. I know my Dad appreciates what I'm doing to help him, but I feel sad for him not being able to do things for his self like he used to. I know he gets very frustrated at times and that is hard to watch.

A few days after my Grandmothers funeral, my Dad called me to let me know he'd run out of gas, he needed me to come and get him, he was at a park in our city. He could not tell me how to get to him. Because of the strokes he's had, he could only tell me that he could see my old school. He stutters on the phone and shakes his hand as if he is creating the word with his movements. I drove around for 20 minutes going to every park I knew of and finally had to call Josh to look up a map of our city so I could find him. . . At least I know what park he likes to go hang out at now, so next time I'll know where to go when he runs out of gas. I just wish his mind worked the right way.

*sigh* 

Life is one thing after another.

Thanks for listening!!

I just needed a place to put my feelings. . .

 

Random dreams in February

2.8.13 

The day after my grandmothers funeral I had a dream that I was looking for something. After searching for what seemed like hours, I finally found a turtle and it seemed to be what I was looking for all along! 

 

2.12.13 

I dreamed I was pregnant, I was in the hospital waiting to give birth in a room of family and friends, it was a happy time, I could feel the babies moving inside of me. .. it was so real. I was so happy, Josh was sitting right there in bed with me. It was soooo odd :)

Saying goodbye. . .

She was the matriarch of my family, the queen, mother to all, the glue that held us all together, the tough cookie who always forgave and opened her heart and mind to those around her. She was my rock, my friend and my biggest fan. She was the grandmother who I eventually called Mom :)

It has been two weeks and one day since she left this earth, since my heart broke and my perception of life changed. I feel so differently about life right now, I can't really explain it. I have cried every single day since she left. Some days are a bit easier than others. I'm getting a little better each day, but it still hurts my heart tremendously. I was not prepared to say goodbye so soon. I know that no one is really ever prepared to say goodbye, but I guess a small part of me never imagined life without her.

I still can't believe she is gone. *sigh* I never imagined I could miss someone so much and I never imagined it would hurt this much. I know the days will get better, as they feel differently each day already. I have felt grief before with my miscarriages and infertility, I understand that it's something that will always be a part of me. There will be many good days ahead *sigh* it will just take some time for my heart. . .

We had a very close relationship. I have been visiting my Grandmother every week for the last 4+ years, with the exception of being sick or being on vacation. I would do things that she needed, make her food, watch TV in bed with her, talk to her and listen to her vent about little things in life, tell her it was going to be okay, and how much I loved her. I felt sad that she was lonely at times, and I knew she enjoyed my company. she just needed someone to talk to more than anything else - I knew that about her. That is why I visited her, even on the days when I felt tired and worn out from work, I'd still go and feel better once I got there. If I was in a bad mood when I got there she would always talk to me and ask me why, and make me tell her all about it. No matter what it was, she'd always make me feel better :)

I think when I got to a certain age in my 20's I realized how much older she was getting and that's when I started making it a point to visit her at least once a week. In the beginning it felt like more of an obligation, but over time I grew to really enjoy our visits, I looked forward to them, to just sitting and talking or just sitting with one another while she watched her shows. We talked every other day. She was and always will be the best Mother I could have ever asked for. She was hard on me growing up and good lord we had some turbulent times, but we grew into amazing friends. I always felt extremely protective of her and I will always have a great respect for her as a woman, mother and human being! We talked about all things in life; love, relationships,  religion, sex, life, politics, hope. . . she was blunt sometimes and didn't like to hide her feelings, she wasn't shy and she always told you the truth even if it might hurt your feelings a little bit Inside and out she was a beautiful person who was flawed like any one else, but she knew she was flawed and that is what made her so beautiful. She lived her life for her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  She loved with every fiber of her being and I will truly miss her until I am old and gray. She was not my birth mother, but raised me as her own and was the only mother I knew until I got to be 16 and started to get to know my real Mom. Even after meeting and getting to know my, Mom. . . I still went to my grandmother for everything, I mean after all, she was my mom and she knew every little thing about me, every embarrassing detail, every fear and every joyous moment of my life.

Yesterday, February 17th, I planted a yellow rose bush in my back yard, well, actually I planted two. The yellow (her favorite rose), and an orange one that will remind me of who she was in the last part of her life. She loved bright colors and really became attached to the bright orange, so when they bloom this year, I will know that she is with me.

I have tried to blog since her death, but I just haven't known what to say. So I think I'll write out the events of what happened. . . as a way to remember, and get it all out somewhere.

On February 3rd I called my grandmothers phone at 9:20 in the morning, she didn't answer. I called her the day before and she sounded disoriented and sleepy, so I let her go and said I'd call her in the morning. I called my Dad a few minutes after she did not answer, I was worried. When I called he was already there and being let into the apartment, because she didn't answer my Dads calls. I was on the phone and heard everything as it happened, she was there on the floor, cold, lifeless. . . gone. Gone. Just like that my world came crazing down in an instant. My Dad sounded so lost, he kept saying "she's cold, she's cold, she's gone"  I wanted to run to him, to her, but there was nothing that I could do, she was already gone. I was sitting in the computer room with Josh when I made the call to my Dad. I jumped out of the chair so fast and ran straight thorough the house into my bedroom and collapsed at the edge of my bed landing on the floor, I was hysterical. I sobbed uncontrollably in complete shock and screamed "Noooooo, Mom, nooooo" My heart felt like it was pulled straight from my chest.

I could not believe she was gone. I had just seen her a few days before that for our weekly visit. I demanded that my Dad drive straight to my house, I just wanted to throw my arms around him and cry. I got off the phone with my Dad and Josh was holding me on the floor. I could not stop crying, then I was angry and overwhelmed with emotions. I got up and told Josh "I fee like I need to do something, things need to be done" I stood there in shock, I felt restless, anxious and sick. I went out into the back yard and called my Mom. As soon as she picked up the phone I lost it, she could not ever understand a word I said. I calmed enough to tell her "Madeline is gone, she passed away, find C.J (my brother). C.J was at church, I sobbed and pleaded with my Mom to go get him. I got off the phone with her and called my best friend Anna, then my Job. Then, I went to my sisters apartment while I waited for my brother to get home. All I remember is sitting on the stairs to my sisters apartment crying into her arms. Once my brother got there we cried, hugged and cried some more. We went back to my house and waited for my Dad. He got to my house and was in complete shock. His body would not stop shaking and he barley spoke a word. He brought my grandmothers phone with him, as I'd asked. I immediately started at the top, I called everyone, each call broke my heart into more and more pieces. It came as such a shock to everyone. . . no one expected this, no one. Yes, I know, you never expect death. But I guess part of me always thought if she was going to go, that it would be in a hospital setting where I'd know what was happening and have a chance to say goodbye.

The next day I went with my cousin, Talina and my two Aunts to the funeral home to plan the arrangements. My grandmother had me listed as her beneficiary to her life insurance policy, so I needed to fill out all if the paperwork. Sitting in that room trying to pick out poems and songs and caskets was heart wrenching, so raw and so real. I felt so numb in that moment. After I left the funeral home I got the key to my Grandmothers apartment and decided I'd better go. I needed to get some pictures for the slide show at her funeral and I knew she kept an album. Just walking into the building brought tears to my eyes. The smell of the elevator made me think of her. . . I got to the door turned the key and lost it completely. I ran into her bedroom and collapsed into her side of the bed. I grabbed her pillows and pulled them close to me, I sobbed and cried and sobbed and cried. I don't know that I've ever cried that hard in my life. I sat there for what seemed like an hour, but what must have only been about 10 minutes. I looked around at everything, I could not believe she was gone. . . I went into her bathroom and got a purple sweater from her dirty laundry. I wanted something with her smell on it, her scent. In that moment of being in her apartment, even though she was gone. . . I felt close to her. I felt like she was with me in that room. My mind kept going over every detail of our last visit. . . I went home that night and wrote her obituary and picked out pictures of her life to put in the slideshow.I cried and drank wine, it felt like the emotions were giant ocean waves and they just crashed over me one by one. . .

The first of my family arrived Tuesday night, then the rest on Wednesday. We held the viewing on Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday February 7th at 2pm, it was a beautiful day. Her funeral was beautiful, everything was lovely and she would have loved everything.

The last two weeks have been full of so much emotion, pain, joy and heartache. I still find myself waking up and thinking " I can't believe she's gone".

Josh and I had our IVF consult on February 4th, the day after my Grandmother passed away. I thought about canceling it, but I knew she would not have wanted me to cancel. She was my Infertility cheerleader!! She was so ecstatic about us doing IVF and told me "I know this is going to wok, baby Girl". My grandmother was there for me through all of our fertility treatments, the failed cycles, the hopeful tears, my miscarriage and everything in between. She gave me hope and helped heal my broken heart. I would always crawl up into her bed and lay next to her, she'd put her arms around me and stroke my hair or my hand, she made me feel better and knew just what to say to ease my fears. I wanted so badly to have a baby for her, for her to hold and snuggle. She always told me that I'd make an amazing mother. . . I hope I get the chance to prove her right.

Yesterday morning, exactly two weeks to the day. . . My sisters Dad passed away, my heart breaks for her. Getting that call yesterday morning brought everything right back to the surface, our family can't handle much more. Please keep her (Natalie) in your thoughts.

This month will officially go down as the worst month of 2013
 

I'm gonna miss her like crazy. . .

Today my heart breaks and I am filled with a great sadness. I have lost the most amazing woman in my life. My grandmother, my Mother. . . the very woman who adopted me at age 9 and raised me into the woman I am today, my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. 

I love you, Mom and I will never, ever forget you or the sacrifices you made to give me a life that I may never have had. You were my rock, I'll miss our weekly visits, your hugs and our many talks. I'll miss you more than words can say and I love you with all my heart!

I only wish. . . I could have one last hug.

Rest in Beautiful Peace

 Madeline Carol Carpenter 

May 19th, 1940 - February 3rd, 2013

 

Time-Lapse of tree painting!!

So. . . I finally painted the a tree on my front living room wall!!! 

I love, love. . LOVE it!! 

I even made a fancy time-lapse video for you all to see my craftiness.

Hope you are all doing well!!

IVF Consult appointment is less than two weeks away (O.o) - Eeek

Saying goodbye to 2012 with a smile!!

Happy New Year to all my fabulous Family, Friends and Followers ♥ 

I hope this New Year brings you all an overabundance of happiness, love and laughter. And most of all - I hope that 2013 brings a few long awaited BFP's to the TTC community :) Josh and I rang in the New Year with some good friends and a few strong drinks. This is basically our last hurrah, last party, last drunken night for a long while!! There will be no more beer, wine, soda or fast food for us in the new year, lol. Being healthy for IVF is our main focus!!!

Personally, I'm grateful 2012 has finally ended. The only thing about 2012 I care to say is this - I had the best summer in 2012, ever!! Better than I have had in years. Seriously, it was the best. I spent so much time with friends and making new freckles that I almost forgot that I was living the life of an infertile, lol  :)

Other than that, 2012 can suck it for all I care. Hehehe. I'd go back and sift through all the gory details, but I think I can do without reliving the relentless depression, festering anger, deep-rooted sadness and complete loss of hope. Don't get me wrong. . . it could have been worse, much worse. . . and there were definitely some great memories mixed in there. . . but still - 2012 sucked a big one.

Now it is 2013 and that means a fresh start, a new year and a new life canvas to paint - Today I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of hope and motivation!! And I finally started taking my vitamins, again :) Josh took his too!! We will get back into our routine and it will be fabulous, it's breaking all the bad habits that will be hard, lol. I started taking down all of my Christmas decor yesterday *sigh*, just getting the house back in order feels great! I'm about to paint a beautiful tree on the teal wall in the front living room. Eeeek! I'm really excited about it. It will be similar to the tree I painted in my bathroom in September of 2011. I wanted to start the tree before Christmas, but once I put my tree up, I knew there was no way I'd paint the wall until after it was all over. I will post pictures when I'm done with it. Any-who that's about it my peeps. I am going to try and catch up on all my Blogging friends this week. I feel so out of the loop on all of your journey's and lives, ugggg. I've got a lot of reading to do.

Oh and if you will. . . A dear friend of mine had to say goodbye to his Mother who was fighting a battle with Melanoma Skin Cancer on New Years Eve morning. . . He is young, under 25, she was young and in the prime of her life . . . He was very close and she was taken far too early, if you are the type that prays, please pray that he will have enough strength to make it through the coming weeks and months ahead. . . It's terribly tragic and makes my heart feel heavy for him . I mean, it is sad when anyone passes away, but when they are older you kind of understand that it is something that will happen, eventually. When they are in the middle of their life, it is tragic. . . and beyond unfair. Like I said, please keep Sean in your thoughts.

We are totally doing IVF in the Spring!!

So. . . I'm having another date night with a bottle of Pinot Noir! Hahaha, I promise I'm drinking out of a glass this time! More like a coffee cup, but hey it gets the job done. I'm watching "Rock of Ages", snuggled in my blanket, eating some peppermint bark and oh my gosh - I think I unconsciously swoon over Alec Baldwin. I think it's, because he's an Aries like me. He seriously makes me giggle :) Or maybe it is really, because I watch "30 Rock" and I love, LOVE love the relationship between Liz and Jack. . .  I always imagine Josh as my Jack :)

Lately, life has been very busy and I'm so, soo happy that the Holiday season is coming to an end! Work has been super busy, Josh's Nanny passed away and we flew to Louisiana in early December. . . When I got back I went back to work the next day and worked for 10 days straight, my grandmother, the very woman who raised me has been in and out of the Hospital for the last two weeks. She is out now and doing better, but geeeeze. I'm ready for a break and ready for things to calm down. Ugggg. Holiday season in my job field = craziness and longer hours. I'm burnt out, lol.

So, obviously the world did not end on the 21st :| I think I may have secretly hoped something slightly crazy would happen,lol I kept saying to Josh "If the world ends, or society as we know it ends then I won't have to work anymore" Hahaha. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh-well, maybe next time. I did have a Christmas-Dooms Day party at my house on Friday - The day the world was supposed to end, lol. It was a blast!! I had such a great time. I have to say it was the best party turn out at my house since we've moved in :) Christmas was good, not great, but good. I enjoyed being with my family the most! I think I feel so blah about it, because I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - Booooo. *sigh* and, because yet again we celebrate Christmas without our own little family - Infertility and Endometriosis suck - Big time *stomps feet*

But. . .  Hopefully. . . This will be our last Christmas as just the two of us!!

I haven't really been open or very verbal about this on Blogger, because I wasn't quite ready to share with everyone, I know some people read my blogs and I wasn't ready for them to know, but now I am.

Josh and I are moving forward with IVF in the spring. . .

Holy Freaking Crap!! 

Our first IVF consult appointment is set for February 4th *Eeeeeeeek*

I actually posted a blog months ago in my excitement and then took it down the very next day, lol. Some of you saw that, but for those who didn't - now you know!! I recently had 2,000.00 dollars worth of medication donated to me - OMG!! How awesome is that??? I feel truly blessed and if I don't use all of it then I will donate my remaining med's to someone in the end.

I am beyond excited *sigh* I'm also really scared, nervous and anxious. This is a huge step, a huge risk. Our hearts could be ripped apart or we could get he best gift life could possibly give. Looking over the year of 2012. . . it was filled with hurt, grief, pain, healing and frustration. I still feel some of those things here and there, but for the most part I do pretty well!! I'm strong in my head, strong in my heart and strong in my reason for continuing to try for a baby of our own. I will be going to a new Fertility Clinic, which makes me a bit nervous, but my doctor is moving to this clinic so that should make the transition much easier. I will probably start posting a bit more as we get closer. I will need a place of venting, questioning and reasoning. Blogging has always helped me through uncertain times.

In the new year Josh and I plan to get back into health mode!! We've been eating bad and drinking and all that good stuff. Now it's time to get back on track and get into baby-making mode. It's not the most romantic way to make a baby, but I have high hopes and at this point I don't care what it takes to get there. I just want to get somewhere. I'm excited about IVF, but realize and keep reminding myself that this is not a 100% guarantee. . . I will remain optimistic in my days ahead.

I signed up for a 5k in February :) I'm really excited about that. It is partly motivation to keep in shapte and healthy for IVF, but also something really fun to do. I've never done one before, but I've always wanted to do one. I turn 30 in March, have a small list of a few tings I want to do before turning 30, a 5k is one of them. I'm trying not to wig out about turning 30, but I have tiny moments here and there where I feel my youth slipping away, lol. I need to start planning a Birthday Bash!! We will not start an IVF Cycle until about April, so I will allow myself one night of fun and a few drinks!! I'm specifically waiting until after my Birthday to do IVF, because if it doesn't work I don't want to be sad and miserable during my 30th birthday. This past birthday when I turned 29 I was in the dumps. We did our 2nd IUI and I was in my 2WW on my birthday. . . I could not enjoy myself. I think I knew deep down inside that the IUI didn't work so it put me in a pretty fowl mood, I was so depressed and felt like such a failure, I was really angry with my body. . . I will not do that to myself again, not again.

Merry Christmas to everyone!! or Merry "What ever you celebrate" - See everyone in the new year!!

This post was brought to you by Pinot Noir

Here I sit. . . cozy on the couch., in my comfy cloths, in my usual spot with my usual Fall colored throw that Josh absolutely hates, lol. He has every right to hate it. Haha.  I got it on sale a year ago, I'd been eying if for a few weeks. The colors were so beautiful - rust and olive green chocolate browns with a few golden strands here and there, that kinda thing. Well. . . The stupid throw sheds worst than my dogs :| So, yea. . . here I sit, snug as a bug watching the movie "Andre". Sometimes I get these nostalgic feelings and pine to watch movies I loved as a child, or rather young person. . . Did I mention that I'm drinking Pinot Noir? Did I also mention that I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Is it sad to say I was a little lazy and didn't want to get up to get a glass?? My excuse is that I drank half the bottle a few days back and since I know I'll finish the rest tonight, a glass. . . is not needed :) Pure logic I tell ya, pure logic. I'm quite happy right now if that means anything!!

I feel like the last part of this year is flying by. . . Like, seriously, wtf?!?  Does anyone else feel this way. I feel like I might say this every year, but  I swear this year if feels even faster. Hummm. Thanksgiving is in two days and it does not feel like Thanksgiving just yet. Mother Nature is late for the Fall party. . .  crazy bitch. I'm ready for some cold weather!!

(side note - So, Mr. Pnut and I have been watching Fringe (love!!) and Joshua Jackson playes Peter, well I'm watching Andre, the movie about the seal, and Joshua Jackson is in it as a little kid, loooooooollololol. I'm giggiling over here)

Okay, so back to how freaking fast time is flying by. (Side pic - Josh and I dressed as Zombies for a Halloween Party this year) I have to say I'm sadly disappointed that I haven't seen more craziness happening in the news about Dec 21st, 2012. (Pinot Noir makes me sarcastic). I thought for sure there would be large groups of people freaking out right about now. . . Tomorrow will make it a month till dooms day. Hahahha. I remember last year and the year before last when I was in the trenches of ttc. . . I felt this indescribable need to get pregnant fast so that I could get pregnant and have a baby before the world ended. wtf?? Is wrong with me? I don't know why I felt that way... but this tiny little voice in the back of my head would say "well, what if something really does happen" Nothing like feeling and hearing the ticking countdown of imaginary impending doom.  I don't really think the world is going to end, but you know. . . I'm infertile, I have irrational thoughts from time to time. On an infertility note, I'm doing well :) Still on Birth Control, still having Endo pain :| But doing well over all!! November was a little hard, as it was a year since our last loss, the one that ripped my heart out, yea . . . that one. It was hard, I actually cried on that day. . . it felt nice *sigh*. I'm strong. . . I'm ready. . . for IVF. Eeeek!!

I'm really excited for the new year to come. Eeek! Lots of things to come and I can't wait.

Well, peeps. . . This is totally just a rambling, wine induced post, so I will end here and say goodnight. I hope you are all doing well and soon I will return to blogger full time - xoxoxo

 

The season is changing, and so am I ♥

August is almost gone and Summer is winding down.

I guess you could say - The season is literally on the cusp of change and I couldn't be more happy about it, because I'm starting to feel this change deep within my bones, I can smell it and almost taste it in the air. . . and it feels really, really good.

I started taking Birth Control again since we are no longer ttc'ing, I'm about two weeks in and already I feel like a new person.... well, almost new. . . I'm getting there slowly, but surely. Since starting the BC I feel that something within me has changed or rather something has awoken. I feel like the BC is helping me to understand that I don't have to live in that "TTC" frame of mind anymore, that I can stop thinking about having a baby for a while and that is okay and it doesn't mean I'm giving up, it just means I'm doing what I have to do in order to be happy. Someday we WILL do IVF and when that time comes it will be truly amazing, ah-mazing. I can't wait for that time to come, because I feel deep in my heart that it will work. . . I just know it. But. . .  I'm finding more, and more, that it is okay to just enjoy myself in the time between now and ivf-time. I have to live life. I have to be happy!! The BC is a huge help emotionally. . .  we'll see if it helps the pain! I do still plan to eventually be completely free of red meat and gluten. I've been making much better food choices, MUCH better :)I will admit that sugar is hard. . . I'm finding ice cream the hardest thing to give up. I'm not sure if taking the birth control has been a mental thing, or what, but I feel a spark again that I haven't felt in a very long time. It is a spark of real happiness, not a forced feeling of happiness, but a genuine happiness that is starting to wash over me. I feel it creeping into the nooks and crannies of my heart, breathing new light onto my dry and barren soul.  I feel myself letting go of the negative feelings that have accompanied this the last few years year, and I'm feeling more of this little thing called life. It has definitely taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm so glad that I'm on my way.

Although the Texas heat was horrendous and killed all of the grass in my yard, it did spare my Apple Blossom tree!! I planted it in June for remembrance of our losses and I was a little worried that the summer heat and lack of rain would kill it; I got lucky! So, overall the summer was really, really good to me. I spent time with friends, spent time in the sun, listened to great music beneath the Summer Sun, got sun-kissed and no sun burns, traveled to the lake house several times, drank alcohol and didn't feel guilty about it, got about a thousand new freckles, jet skied for the first time in my life, tubed across the lake laughing my ass off, kayaked for the first time, watched a meteor shower with my sister and saw 6 meteors, had BBQ, learned how to make my best friends awesome guacamole, started watching "Doctor Who" from the beginning, watched 2nd season of "Falling Skies" with my Hubby and I have successfully participated in August VEDA 2012. . . Not a bad summer, not bad at all. 

If you can't tell. . . I'm soooo ready for the Fall season to be here, I could scream!! Eeeek! I have one more day of work left and then I'm on vacation time *happy dance* I'm not going anywhere special. . . Honestly the only reason I'm taking vacation time is to clean my house and my yard. Plus, just having a bit of time off before the busy season kicks our butts will be nice. I've been sooo lazy over the summer and it's been so hot that I haven't wanted to do anything, ANY-E-THING. . . So I need a good week to get things in order. I've also picked up a new hobby ---> Crochet!!! I've needed a hobby for a while and I'm so glad I've found one. When I get really good I'll post a picture of something I've made. I'm currently working on a scarf... The bottom part looks pretty jacked up, but I'm getting better and that's really all that matters :)

This week was officailly Teddy's "Rescue Week". We found him last year this very same week, he was skin and bones, and dug his way into our yard. Josh decided if the was that determined to get into our yard for food and water, then we'd give him a shot - He has turned out to be one of the best dogs we've ever had the privelege of sharing our life with

Happy Rescue Week -Teddy Bear

I hope everyone has a great week and Thanks again to all of those who read and comment on my blog. You have no idea how much all of your sweet words mean to me ♥

 

Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!