Birth Story of Twin Boys!!

The Birth of Armor & Ronin

On February 6th, 2014 I went in for an appointment to see my MFM Doctor in order check on the position of the Boys and to make sure they were not under any stress, because I was tentatively scheduled for induction at 37 weeks on January 8th, 2014, due to pre-eclampsia. (Last month of pregnancy and pre-eclampsia).

The night before our appointment Josh finally let me get out of the house, and we made the trek to Waffle House; which is only about 7 minutes from our house. We’d been having late night Waffle House rendezvous for the last half of my pregnancy. I craved eggs the entire pregnancy and who can beat scrambled eggs and hash browns at 1:00am in the morning? Haha. Little did I know this would be our last trip to Waffle House as an “Expecting couple”.

One of my last "Belly" shots!!

The morning of the 6th, I got up, showered, squeezed into my shoes and pants, and actually did my hair for the first time in weeks. Outside of our Waffle House trip, I had not been out of the house for many, many days, because I was on bed rest. I was excited about getting out and putting on clothes, because lets face it, when you are on bed rest, you basically live in pajamas all day, every day. Before leaving the house Josh said “Do you want to load up the bags again”? I say “No, there is no reason that I would be staying since we are scheduled for Wednesday, I’m not 37 weeks yet”. He stares at me and says “Are you sure” and I say “Yes, I’m certain”. So I didn’t have him put anything in the car, but he did put his bags in the car just in case. Such a smart guy, lol. We got to the appointment and luckily did not have to wait as long as normal. And as usual, I got called back to leave a urine sample and get my blood pressure taken. At this point in my pregnancy trying to pee was a difficult task. I sat on the toilet for what seemed like forever and finally managed to get a little bit of urine out. And, then as I was trying to set little cup on the counter, I spilled it all over my pants, every last drop. I immediately burst into tears, threw down some paper towels and just cried. I was so upset. There I was 9 months pregnant with twins, barely able to bend down and I’m mopping up my pee and trying to towel dry my pants. When I walked out to get my blood pressure taken it was a whooping 165/123 - Ahhhhhh. So, soooo high. We immediately got situated in a small room and hooked up to the monitors to check out the Boys. I was only hooked up for about 20 minutes for monitoring and the Doctor came in. He said “So are you ready to have some babies”? I looked at him and said “Yea, I can’t wait until Wednesday”. At this point, Josh, fully understands what the Doctor means and I’m completely oblivious as to what he really means, lol. The Doctor then says “It’s happening today”. Insert “wide eyed, shocked face”. I then look over at Josh and giggle, because he was so smart to put his bags in the car. I asked the doctor if I could go home and get my bags and he politely says “No”. Then we started to discuss how this show was going to go down. He of course immediately recommended cesarean, to which I politely replied, “No”, because Baby A was very low in a head down position and Baby B was only transverse with his head hanging out on my lower left side. The Doctor pondered for a few minutes and decided to let me go for vaginal birth!! I was so excited to have this chance even though I was pregnant with twins. The Doctor said “Good Luck” and said to head over to Labor & Delivery and they would be waiting for us.

As soon as he left the room, Josh laughed and said the look on my face was priceless. I then grabbed my phone and called, Sheila, my mother in-law. She answered and I said “Its happening today”. I could hear the excitement in her voice and she said “Yea!! I’ll be there soon”. We gathered ourselves and made our way across the Hospital to Labor and Delivery. Jen, my sister in-law and also our Birth support for labor and delivery, called as we were finding our way to L&D, she was so excited and it only added to my own excitement and anticipation. The walk over was exhausting on my hugely pregnant body.

We made it to L&D at 3pm, signed all the paperwork, answered tons of questions and then I got a fancy wheelchair ride to my room. We’d gotten there so quick they didn’t even have the bed in the room. So I spent that few minutes trying to text my best friend, Anna. My hands were shaking and my brain was going super fast. I think all my text said was “we're in L&D, its happening today” and then I set my phone down and didn’t pick it back up for several hours. As soon as I set the phone down the bed came and I was handed a gown. I changed clothes, hopped in bed and started answering tons of questions while also getting an IV put in. Then Josh’s, Mom, showed up! Shortly after she got there, Jen, arrived and then we sent Josh back home to feed the dogs and get my bags. A little while later my best friend, Anna, arrived!! I was surrounded by those who loved me and I felt so secure and so ready to get the show on the road.

Josh is ready!!

From 3pm to 6pm the time was spent trying to get both babies on the monitors, together, at the same time for a specific amount of time before I could receive any medications for induction. It was frustrating at times, because once we’d get everything set, I would have to pee, and then it was another 15-20 minutes of trying to get them back on the monitor. It was pretty easy to get, Armor, since he was head down and in mostly in the same spot each time. Ronin, on the other hand was being a little nija, I felt so bad for nurse, Violet, who had to try and find him each time, haha. I kept apologizing for Ronin and his antics, and my overwhelmed bladder, because at this point was I only dribbling out a tiny bit of urine each time I made it to the bathroom, and had a constant feeling of my bladder being full.

Around 7:00 pm my Midwife came in to finally check me down below, and I was shocked to learn that I was dilated to 1 cm and 80 percent effaced. I felt great and so happy that things were already happening. I was finally able to receive cytotec, which was small tablet to help thin out the cervix. Within the hour I started to feel small, manageable contractions. At this point I was told I could finally have something to eat since the induction process can take a while so, Anna, and Jen, went out and found Jack-n-tha-Box. I just wanted something super filling, and fattening, hahaha. So had the burger and fries and then my Midwife came back in to check. At this point it was about 10:00 pm and I was dilated to 2 cm and 90% effaced. Since my body was responding well my midwife decided that she wanted to go ahead and insert a balloon foley. The balloon was placed into my cervix to help it dilate and I was told this could take up to 12 hours.

Last Belly Photo!!

 Around 11:00 pm Jen and Anna headed home, sheila had left an hour before. Once they left, Josh, got the Ipad out and we started to watch “American Dad” while watching the show I started to have more contractions, they were starting to feel a lot more intense, yet still manageable as long as I closed my eyes and breathed through them so, I told, Josh, that we needed to turn it off and I could not focus on the show. The nurse came in and offered me an ambien for the night to help me sleep since we had a big day ahead of us. I got the Ambien, Josh got situated on the tiny little couch/bed (not made for 6’2” tall people), the lights were off and all I could hear were sounds of beeping machines and my blood pressure cuff going off. Since my blood pressure was so high, they had it going off every 30 minutes. In order to keep, Ronin, on the monitor I had to be in a sitting position, they nurses wanted me on my left side, but then we could not keep him on the monitor so, in turn it made my blood pressure stay high.

Josh helping me through contractions

So there we are, balloon in, contractions coming and going, husband tossing and turning on the tiny couch, and me unable to sleep even with the Ambien, because of contractions, having to pee and my blood pressure cuff going on and off. At about 3:00 am I told Josh to go home and get some real sleep so, he left and after that I was wide awake and feeling a bit loopy from the Ambien. I was making trips to the bathroom at least every 30 minutes and it was becoming very uncomfortable, because I was getting to the point where I could not release any urine at all. I was starting to get upset, and worried, and at one point I just cried sitting on the toilet. At about 6:00am I made a trip to the bathroom and as I was walking to the toilet I felt like I might pee on myself so, I just stood there, let it go and peed all over myself, it was embarrassing, but so much relief came after. I threw my hospital gown on the floor and mopped it up, apologized and told the nurse and she said “Congrats, don’t worry - do you feel better”. I felt so much better. 7:00 am hit and the nurses switched shifts, so my new midwife for the day came in to check and see how much I had progressed with the balloon. She checked and tugged on it and it came almost all the way out!! She pulled it out all the way, which was totally uncomfortable, but I was now 90% effaced and dilated to 5 cm. I was excited that it did not even take 12 hours. After that she said I could take a shower so, that I could feel refreshed and I did. Once I got back into bed from taking my shower my contractions started to get intense again. I started to get a little nervous, because no one was with me yet, I started to become afraid that things would suddenly happen fast so, I texted, Josh, and let him know my contractions were getting more intense and that I was dilated to a 5. He said he’d be on his way soon.

This is what Love is!!

While waiting for him to arrive my Sheila and Jen arrived, then Josh got there and we were all just kinda hanging out while I had regular mild contractions. The midwife came in around 10:00am and they decided to go ahead and give me some pitocin. That got my contractions going even more. Toward the end of pregnancy my midwife and I talked about planning to get an epidural at some point, in case I needed to have a c section. Since Baby B was transverse there was always a possibility for one, and if I didn’t have an epidural in place and c section was needed last minute they would have to knock me out, and I was not cool with that so, we agreed it was a good idea to get one at some point. I wanted to labor as long as possible before getting it.

 After receiving the pitocin, my contractions picked up to the point I asked, Jen, to go and heat up my rice sock pack that I made for labor. I also asked the nurse at what point should I ask for the epidural. The nurse said “When you get to the point that you can’t sit still during your contractions”. The contractions were becoming more and more painful, I was using the rice pack, Jen, was rubbing my back and hips, I was then up and hanging onto, Josh, swaying back and forth. The pain was intense!! At about 2:30ish I asked for the epidural and I probably waited a little too long, because they were back to back, no breaks in between the contractions. Anna, arrived as I was in the middle of full on contractions, she said the little line on the monitor was all the way at the top and it wasn’t going up or down, it was just a straight line across, lol. I will just say… trying to sit still for an epidural while you’re having hard core contractions was CRAZY… the most intense thing I’ve ever been through in my life. Thank God for Nurse Violet, she held me in place and let me squeeze the shit out of her shoulders, its as if I was hanging on for dear life. Once the epidural was in, Sheila, Jen and Anna got to come back in the room. The nurse also mentioned that once I had the epidural in they were going to give me magnesium, because of my high blood pressure, she said it would probably make me feel bad, flu like… Yuck. It made me feel really, really hot. I had them turn the air down in the room and I’m sure I was causing everyone else to freeze to death. The epidural was in and from this point on it was all very smooth and calm. I had my Husband at my side, my super woman support team and a few more were on their way.

Test Pushes

Around 7:00pm the midwife came in to check me and I was 100% effaced and dilated to an 8!! They decided to break my water, but Armor was so low when they broke it, nothing, but a dribble came out, they even scratched his little head. He was so ready and my water wasn’t going anywhere!! She came back at 9:45 and I was READY!! Completely dilated and completely effaced. I could feel my contractions, but they were not painful, it was just an odd pressure sensation. At that moment she said it was going to be about 45 minutes until the midwife was able to come in so, I was going to labor down and wait. I was a little frustrated, because I was so ready for the little guys to come. At about 10:45 ish my nurse came back and said it was still going to be a little longer and that I she was going to let me start doing test pushes!! I was so excited. Everyone cleared the room except for Josh and Jen. I did test pushes and moved Baby A (Armor down pretty quickly). Josh and Jen both got to see his head and I was even able to reach down and touch his head. The midwife came in at about 11:30 we did a few test pushes and then I was crowing!! They notified the Operating room that we were on our way.

Armor - Born at 12:01 AM 1/8/2014

 As they were wheeling me down to the OR my midwife asked if how I felt about having the babies on two different day, ahhhh. I said “No”. We all laughed, but I was super serious… Normally I’d think that kind of thing was neat or fun, but in that moment I was not going to let them be born on separate days after carrying them together for 9 month. When we got in the operating room, they got me on the bed and we all watched the clock. As soon as the clock hit midnight I gave one beautiful push and I felt his head come out, then one more tiny push and he was completely out at 12:01AM!! They immediately put him on my belly and I just lost it. I cried “Oh my god”. There was my sweet Armor, all purple and quiet, resting on my belly with his little cone shaped head and swollen eyes. I placed my hand on his little back and rubbed his head and just cried… It was incredible, beautiful and the most amazing feeling in the entire world to finally meet this little person that was growing inside my body. After a few minutes they took him off of me,, because he wasn’t breathing and we needed to find the position of, Ronin. Josh cut his cord and they swept him away to other side of the room and Josh followed. Armor, weighed in at 4lbs 13oz and was 17 inches long.

Ronin - Born at 12:25 AM 1/8/2014

The doctor then started feeling my belly to see where, Ronin, was and unfortunately he’d stretched out across my whole belly. The Doctor tried to turn him from the outside of my body and that wasn’t working so, then he reached his hand into my body and tried moving him that way. Talk about an insane and out of this world feeling. I could see my whole belly moving around, it was very strange. I felt scared, but not necessary worried… It was just such a strange experience. While this is happening I kept asking Jen and Josh if, Armor was okay, because he still had not cried. They assured me that everything is okay. The Doctor kept grabbing Ronin’s back and then he said, “All I can grab is his arm, this isn’t going to happen, we need to do a cesarean”. I immediately told him, Thank you for trying”, because not all Doctors will try a breech extraction and I was just so thankful that he did give it a shot. In that moment the entire room and mood shifted. It went from casual vaginal birth, to serious, We need to get this baby out birth.During this time more people started filling the room, they put the sheet up and start pumping medication into me, and finally I hear this tiny little squeak from across the room it was, Armor. Finally I heard him cry, finally I felt relief and ready to deliver, Ronin… I believe they had to use some sort of machine and oxygen to get him going and when he started to cry and I cried, and Josh said “He’s starting to pink up”. Jen came over and said “He is fine”, then shortly after, Josh came over with, Armor… He was pink and wide eyed, he was absolutely beautiful. They made Jen and Josh step outside of the room for a little bit while they got me completely prepped for the surgery. I just remember lying there, shaking my ass off. The amount of drugs they pumped into my body caused me to shake uncontrollably. This is where things get a little foggy. Jen comes over and stands beside me and It feels like I’ve been on that table for an hour, I ask, Jen “Have they cut me open, and she shakes her head, Yes. Josh is with, Armor and I’m there shaking like a leaf on a tree. Jen says they really had to work hard to get, Ronin out. They even cut me up and down instead of sideways, to give more room. All the sudden the room is quiet and then excitement erupts, Jen, screams out “Oh my God, Crystal, he’s huge”. They literally pulled, Ronin, out by his feet… head last and was born at 12:25 AM, just 24 minutes after, Armor..

Proud Dad!!

He came out and screamed right away, such a beautiful sound to hear. Again, I lose it and cry… I do not see him right away. They take him to the other side of the room and clean him up and weigh him really quickly, then, Josh, brings him over. He is also wide eyed and absolutely beautiful. When Josh brought him over I was shaking so bad I didn’t want to hold him, I feel bad now looking back, but I was afraid of scaring him or not being able to hold him, to be honest I was sooo messed up from all the drugs pulsing through my body that I could not think straight. Ronin weighed 6 lbs and 2 ounces and was 17 inches long just like, Armor. All the nurses said “He was stealing all the groceries”, lol. Josh takes, Ronin, back over to where, Armor, is and he is just in awe of his Boys. Jen hangs out with me and as they begin to sew me back up I start to get really sick so, Jen, held a little plastic bag next to my head so that I could throw up. Jen was amazing and I’m eternally grateful that she was there for Josh and I.

Incredible moment

I barely even remember being moved back into my room, but as soon as I’m all put back together, they wheel me back to my room and I remember waking back up from a tiny drug induced nap to family being in the room. Sheila and my Mom are in the room when I wake up, they are holding both Boys, it’s so funny to think everyone held the Boys before I did, lol. I start to wake even more. Next my Brother and sister come into the room and then Anna, Sarah and Sennicca. I’m so messed up that I'm fading in and out of sleep. I mean after all I had not slept since Monday morning and it was now Wednesday morning. Finally they bring the boys over to me for me to hold. I’m still shaking uncontrollably, but Josh insists that I hold the Boys and that it will help. They place, Ronin no my chest first and my body immediately stops shaking… I look at, Ronin’s little face, wrap my arms around him and began sobbing. Meeting him was amazing, beautiful and surreal. I could not believe he was mine, that after all that time… I was finally holding my one of my babies. Next, Armor, is placed on my chest right next to, Ronin. I can’t even fully explain how amazing that moment felt and still feels to me. I was in awe of their beautiful faces. I felt like it was a dream and it was, it was a dream come true and I was literally having the best moment of my life. I sat there crying and snuggling my beautiful Boys and then nursed them…

In Looooooove!!

It was truly an amazing experience, pregnancy and birth... And I was surrounded by the best and most supportive people in my life. Even though I had to have a cesarean for, Ronin… it was the most epic and amazing birth experience I could have ever asked for, I do not regret anything about my birth experience, not one thing, except maybe feeling so messed up on all the meds they pumped into my body.  Josh and I were surrounded by love and support and we felt so great having our family and friends right there by our sides. Josh went home a while later to get some real sleep and Sheila stayed with us the whole night, as I drifted in and out of an exhausted sleep, she is truly amazing and the best mother in-law a girl could ask for!! The Boys both had Jaundice and low sugar at birth and Armor spent an entire day under the lights to help him with his jaundice levels, but overall were super healthy even at 3 weeks early. I feel so empowered as a woman to have had this amazing experience... It was worth every tear, heartache, loss, and worth all the pain I ever endured along the way...

They were born on January 8th, 2014 at 4lbs 13oz & 6lbs 2oz and both 17" long! I am beyond blessed to have them in my life and I feel so incredibly lucky to have them after such a long struggle to become a Mother.

My last month of pregnancy!!

The end of my Twin pregnancy!!

The end of my pregnancy was tough, but I can't complain too much, because my pregnancy was relatively smooth and overall a pretty amazing experience. At the end I had severe carpel tunnel which was not fun to deal with. Writing was impossible and brushing my teeth or hair sent a shooting pain all through my hands and up to my elbows. My feet and legs began to swell in November... I was waddling everywhere, it was impossible to bend down and impossible to put my shoes or pants on. I was somehow still working on my feet during the busiest part of the year for my line of work.

Work belly photo!!

The first week of December (31 weeks) my face and pretty much everything started to swell pretty badly. My heart would race at night and I was waking up every 45 minutes to an hour to pee. It this point I was getting very little urine out and it was actually painful to get my body release any urine at all. At times I would sit on the toilet at 4 in the morning and cry, because it was so uncomfortable.

The second week of December (32 weeks) my blood pressure started to get high, I was starting to have a few dull headaches and occasionally seeing a few spots. Moving around and getting to work was so hard on my body.

The third week of December (33 weeks) I was asked to do a 24 hour urine collection to test for protein in my urine. I went in for a midwife visit and had a super swollen body, and it was confirmed that I had protein in my urine. I was just not feeling great at all. I was officially put on strict bed rest and done with work for the remainder of my pregnancy. I could not have been happier to finally get off my feet and rest. I still can't believe I made it to 33 weeks working on my feet.

Last weekly belly photo!!

At 34 weeks, the week of Christmas, I got a little active buying a few gifts, visiting my cousin's house for a gift exchange and then going to my In-laws for a Christmas dinner. I was not super active, but doing a little more than I should have been doing for someone on strict bed rest. The day after Christmas Josh and I decided to make a quick little trip to Walmart to spend some gift cards. I had been on the couch and taking it easy and thought one little trip out would not be that bad. On the drive I started there I started seeing spots and just felt terrible. When we got to Walmart I went to the pharmacy area to check my blood pressure while he went and got what we needed. They didn't have a blood pressure machine so, I just sat on the bench waiting for Josh to come back. We decided to buy a wrist blood pressure cuff so I could check things out while at home. When I got home and checked my BP it was 162 over 93... I contacted my midwife; she said take it easy and if I started to feel worse to go in to maternal observation at the hospital. I decided to just take it easy for the night and see what my BP was the next morning. My midwife said anything over 140/90 was considered high for pregnancy. The next morning it was still high and I wasn't feeling Baby A move at all. I started to get really nervous and worried so, we went to the hospital for observation. I was there for most of the afternoon and then sent home to do another 24 hour urine collection to check for protein. I was developing preeclampsia and advised that I needed to continue with STRICT bed rest. The urine collection showed that my platelets were dropping and the protein was at 480.

A few days before birth!!

I continued with strict bed rest and and went in to see the Midwife again the first week of January at 36 weeks. I was swollen and all my numbers were high, but she wanted to see if I could stick it out one more week and make it to 37 weeks. We thought that sounded fantastic and scheduled my induction on for January 8th. I was scheduled to see my high-risk doctor on January 6th to monitor the babies and positions to see if we were still okay to go ahead with a vaginal birth.I went in for my high-risk appointment on the 6th of January and my blood pressure was 165/123. It was extremely high so, my Doctor came back into the room and said "Are you ready to have some babies"... I was immediately sent to Labor and Delivery for induction two days earlier than we originally planned!!!

(Birth Story to come soon)

As a side note - Josh's school semester ended in mid December and I can't praise him enough. He seriously cooked all of my meals for me, took care of me day in and day out, did what ever I needed, cleaned the kitchen, washed our clothes, drove me to all my doctors appointments, tended to the dogs and just took amazing care of me. He was amazing and I did not lift a finger for anything. It was nice having those last weeks together just he and I with no other responsibilities or duties required of us. During my pregnancy he went to school full time and I worked so, we didn't always have a lot of time together. During those last weeks of my pregnancy, we spent time pondering what our lives were going to be like, how we'd change, what the Boys would look like, how we'd feel, guessing what day they'd come and binge watching "Frasier" on Netflix. Thank goodness for Netflix, and Thank goodness for Waffle House!! It was only about 7 minutes away from our house and Josh let me get out of the house on a few late night occasions to go eat breakfast food. It was always a great way to break-up the bed rest and it felt like a little date. We got to to know the late night crew, hehehe. To be honest it was probably the best 4 weeks we'd had together in a long time and I'm so grateful we had the time even if I felt miserable in the physical sense... it was all very much worth it in the end.

 

Living on hope & prayers

My heart feels like it's been cracked open, my thoughts are heavy, and my mind is desperately trying to hang onto hope in any way possible.

We are living on hopes and prayers. . .

I wish I could say things are better, but they are not better, and yet. . . they are not worse.

We are stuck in a moment of time that is relentless, truthful, and raw.

Yesterday, we could barley see embryo/baby/tiny little bean... *tear* I'm still growing, but very slowly. It looks like I'm behind in growth basically by a week or so at least. We could not get a good measure of the heartbeat, or the crown to rump length. But, Josh and I both saw it. . . It was effing there. . . beating and clinging on to life for us. It was there, trying to survive. I felt so sad, knowing that it was struggling. It was still there and that's what matters to me right now.

Dr. Laura said the heartbeat seemed erratic, this measurements are off, and that it looked like the pregnancy was not going to progress much further, that I would probably miscarry within the next few weeks, or I could have a missed-miscarriage, if my body doesn't get the hint, as to what's going on. I don't go back until around the 2nd week of November... I'm going to keep praying to any, and all Gods that are listening, I will pray, and cling to my scattered hope. I really have no choice, because the odds seemed stacked against us. *sigh*

It's useless to ask - Why!?!?!? But for some reason it seems appropriate when you're crying your eyes out, and snot is running down your face.

I'm going to be honest. . . Yesterday, I didn't even expect to see a baby, or heartbeat. Our last appointment had be shaking in my boots and I thought for sure it was over. Secretly, I made peace with it, within myself, accepted, and prepared myself for the worst outcome. I was shocked to see a heartbeat. I did not cry on my way out of the office, but later in the evening I started rehashing everything she said in the office; I started to feel anxious, and cried later in the evening. . . several times. I've teared up a few times today thinking about it, or having to explain it to anyone, even though I have my hope, it still sucks ass, and makes me sad. . . Why is this happening. My hear is breaking as we speak. . .

I asked Dr. Laura many, many questions. She has to be as honest as possible, and that's the hard part for her :| She has been there with us through this whole thing, in fact everyone on staff has. They are only 4, but they are a great team of 4 woman. who feel our pain, and that creates a certain bond. I could tell she felt emotional telling us everything, I could sense that she probably could have cried herself, if she didn't have to maintain the professional composure. I asked about angles, my tilted uterus; I reaching for hope in any way possible. She agreed that there are always miracles out there, things that don't fall into the statistical realm of normal. Things happen all the time that they can't explain, or predict. The amount of Data out there, to compare stuff to is incredibly low when it comes to infertility research. From the info and scans, she leans more towards a miscarry, although that's not to say it's 100% until I actually have a miscarriage. Basically, I still have a baby, because we have a heartbeat. That is hope to me!!


I'll either start to bleed, and have a miscarriage over the next few weeks, or I'll go back in a few weeks and have a baby and a heartbeat. If we go back and see nothing, I'll have a D n C, or take the vaginal medication to induce miscarriage.

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm scared shitless. I've had a miscarriage before :( Right now I can't imagine having to do that again. I still feel all my pregnancy symptoms. Waiting this out will be torture, but I will gladly do it that means I will be privileged to carry this baby.

Yesterday, I told Josh I didn't want to do this again. . . He said I was just upset, and didn't mean it. Part of me did mean it. This pain is very deep, and hard to maintain on an everyday level. I have to admit that he is mostly right, because I always said we do it at least twice. And, we will. We will do it a second time if things do not turn out. After that we are done... Done. We would never be able to afford IVF, there is no guarantee it would even work, and I can't live life on this roller coaster. Josh has been amazing, he would do what ever I wanted, but I can't do this to him either... This has been the most painful journey to walk down, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Dr. Laura offered to let us do a chromosomal test, if this ends badly. To find out if we are have a bigger problem. I really appreciate the offer. Basically we could have a problem that will never allow us to have a successful pregnancy, so rather then continue to throw money at fertility treatments, we could make a decision about our lives, begin to move on, grieve and heal... if that's even possible. It feels so unfair. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world.

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone who's said prayers, sent vibes, sent messages and sent love. I appreciate you, your support and for reading along through this crazy time. It means more than I can express with words.

Pushing yourself through the day...

It is finally Sunday (my Friday), and I am doing better than I was...

Yesterday I started to laugh a bit more, I forced myself to catch up on shows that have been collecting, I watered the plants on my patio, I avoided most friend and human contact. I felt cooped up, but could not bring myself to do a single productive thing other than the watering of the plants, and only because Josh insisted. Josh has remained optimistic, and hopeful about the whole situation; which helps me a great deal. I still have moments where, if I stop, and really think about it, I get sad with fear, and tears fill my eyes. I'm getting better. I continue to talk to my little bean at night, when I shower, take a bath, and when I'm alone. I rub my stomach, in hopes that my little bean will feel my touch, and know that I'm here for it. My prayers are that his/her little heartbeat is beating faster and faster each day.

I emailed Bart and Sheila, told my Grandmother, and Brother about what's going on and my friend Sarah. I've kept this news relatively quiet for the most part. Yesterday, my Brother called me up to say a prayer over the phone, wow. My Brother, and his continued sobriety is truly a Gift from the God's above. It felt so strange being on the other end with my brother, usually I'm the one consoling him, telling him it will be okay, that God is looking out for him, or talking him through difficult times. Yesterday he was that for me, and I appreciated it more than my words can express.

I called the Fertility office on Friday morning, and asked for my ultrasound to be moved up to Tuesday, since I'm off and Josh is off. I have have absolutely no sick time left since I had to have surgery back in July, so trying to get through all of this with no sick time is really proving to be difficult. I'm so anxious right now, it feels like I have a brick sitting in my gut. I'm remaining calm, cool and collected, for the most part... but there is this small part of me going crazy with each passing hour. The "unknown" is torturous, *sigh*. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes so we'll know more about which direction this is all heading.

Regardless of what happens I know we will survive. . .

Hanging on by a tiny thread of emotion.

Many tears have fallen in the last 24 hours :|

**The Good**

Josh and I, went in yesterday for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! We were so excited!! We saw and heard it, our eyes were bright, and our hearts were happy and fluttering; it was probably the most amazing feeling ever *sigh*.

**The Bad**

The heartbeat was only 65 bpm, meaning very slow. It was so tiny, like a little lightning bug flashing at us... but Dr. Laura said it should be above 100. "This is concerning" she said with a very serious face. Like the morning I woke up spotting, my heart fell out of my chest once again. I couldn't even look at Josh until she left the room, because I knew the flood gates were about to open. We sat in her office, and had a very serious discussion about everything that could happen, it was the most depressing conversation I've ever had. Even though all hope is not lost, because there is a heartbeat, I felt completely defeated by the seriousness of our discussion. I was miles away, as Josh would say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.


*The Ugly** (the unstoppable emotions)

This is not good, and there is no sugar coating it. I keep trying to come up with reasons of - why, but they are not there. I'm currently begging the God's to continue smiling upon us, not to take away this dream that has landed in our laps. We have been waiting for so long, and worked so hard for where we are. I am devastated and heartbroken right now. I just don't know how to feel, I feel bad for being upset, because that's stressful to the baby, and I could cause more harm, but I'm hurting deep inside on an emotional level, and don't know how to balance out these feelings. I left the office yesterday feeling like at any minute I'll probably have a miscarriage. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread of pure emotion. I have to wait until next week to do another sono. I'm worried, yet trying to hang on to the slivers of hope floating randomly around in my head. I cried all evening last night, could not sleep at all, just tossed and turned, and have cried throughout this morning. I am trying to stay positive, I've been talking to my baby, asking it to hang on just a little longer... telling it how much I Love it, and what a cool Dad it has waiting on the outside. I feel so lost right now. I'm not ready for this to be over, the pain it too much after getting this far. *sigh* Come on Baby Bernard, you can do it!!!! We have faith in you!!!

If you pray... Say a prayer for us
If you send vibes... send some vibes our way
If you can... send positive thoughts my way
I'll take whatever you got, because my own supply of strength is very low at the moment.

Gotta wait a bit longer

*Yawn* Well it's Friday, and I just woke up from sleeping about 11 hours. It felt so amazing!

Josh and I went in on Tuesday morning for a sonogram, but we were not able to see the heartbeat. :/ I was pretty disappointed; which led to obsessive negative thoughts, fear and moodiness. hahah. Everything was exactly where it should have been, my yolk sac grew bigger, uterus was at the right size, my cervix was closed, and my HcG levels were right on. So we're waiting until next Thursday to go back!! I was only 5 weeks 7 days... 6 1/2 weeks is really a better time to see it, I've been told. I felt pretty bummed that entire day, but when Dr. Laura called the next day with my numbers I felt tons better, I also emailed Jencia, and asked if not seeing the heartbeat was normal... she calmed my nerves too and said it's very normal. :) I am anxious to see this tiny little life that's currently inside of me, jacking my nutrients and making me sleepy, lol. Josh was great during the sonogram! His eyes got so bright, and I could feel the vibrations of excitement resonating off his body. Every time he saw the little tiny thing inside the sac, he'd unknowingly squeeze my arm or shoulder, he'd get this huge grin on his face, and when we didn't see the heartbeat; he reassured me that he could see everything that he needed to know everything was fine. lol!

Like I said in the beginning... It's Friday, I just slept for 11 hours and I feel great! I feel every bit of pregnant I could possibly feel at this point. My breast are still a size bigger, and sore, my appetite fluctuates day to day; more like hour to hour. I sleep a lot, I cry and become moody all the sudden, and my pants don't button, hahaha. So I'm not fretting one bit until Thursday. I've still had some spotting here and there, but that's only because of the small hemorrhage next to where my sac implanted... So that doesn't scare me anymore, and I'll probably have spotting until it goes away completely or my body absorbs it! I'm currently feasting on a bowl of cut up strawberries, blueberries and raisins. I thought I was going to be totally cool and healthy, and have them with organic plane yogurt, but my lord was I wrong... I. HATE. YOGURT. The taste is horrid. I thought maybe I'd be able to give it a try, that maybe my taste buds had changed enough for me to like it, and I was totally wrong.

We got our sweet Daisy spayed a few days ago. I felt kinda bad inside taking away her chance to have puppies :| She came into heat, and was driving our Teddy & Scruffy to the brink of insanity. Next, we'll have to get Mr. Scruffy Man fixed! I swear he would have tried to get the wall pregnant if he could have. Hahaha. Natural instinct is so darn strong sometimes.

I dreamed of my old friend Sarah last night. It's been a while since she visited my dreams. About a month ago, Anna and I decided to go see her Mom! Shannon, said we should write Sarah a note, and leave it in her mailbox, since we can't just go next door like normal adults, and say Hi. So I did, we never heard anything from her. It hurt my feelings, I guess she truly is the one who doesn't want to be friends. That makes me sad inside. I've forever and always thought it to be her husbands choice, because that's how it was so long ago. He's the one who said we could not be friends. But now I'm really starting to just let go of the idea of ever having a friendship with her again. It is sad... because she was an awesome person. I feel bad that I was a wild child, and lost her friendship, but we're all grown adults now, so I don't understand why we can't act like adults, and move forward in life. More and more I feel less bad, and feel that it's her loss. I'm not going to beg for anyone to be my friend. Any-who... In my dream I was sitting in my living room, and I could see her at her Moms house, then all the sudden she was walking into my front door, she sat down with her daughter, and said "I asked if I could come over, and he said it was OK". That was pretty much it. See... very strange, hummm. It was nice to see her though... even if it was just a short dream :)

Have a swell day everyone ♥

Our little contamination is in there!!!

Today the Gods smiled upon me ♥ and I am smiling back.

I went in this morning at 9:30am for my first Sonogram...

And.... Everything looks Great!!! Our little "contamination" is in the right spot and growing fast! I go back on Tuesday to see the heartbeat! I am the happiest girl in the world today! I feel so extremely blessed... I don't even have words to describe the incredible feeling I have within me...

*sigh*

I'm crying as I type this, and let me tell you - they are the happiest tears I've ever cried and I can't stop. I go from crying to laughing, to crying back to laughing. I sobbed on the phone with my Brother and Grandma before even leaving the parking lot of the Fertility office.. lol It has been an amazing day and I am truly blessed beyond anything I could possibly imagine ♥

What a day... Make that two days.

Where do I start!?! Uggg. Yesterday was a very difficult day emotionally, today was okay, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

***Warning - maybe a little TMI in the next paragraph***

Yesterday morning (wed) I had my alarm set for 5:20 to get up, get ready, and return to work from my vacation/family stuff. I woke up at 3am to pee, then again at about 4am to pee, only this time I notice blood when I wiped! I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking bright red blood. My heart dropped out of my chest and hit the bathroom floor. I freaked out, and had a mini meltdown right there on the damned toilet. I ran into the living room crying my eyes out and sobbing like a crazy woman, I called the Fertility office, left a message with the answering service... they said she would be paged immedeatly. They were not lying either, it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes and Dr. Laura was on the phone, sounding as dead asleep as ever... poor thing, she really is such an awesome doctor. I wish she could be my doctor for everything. The first thing she told me was that bleeding is common, as long as you are not gushing, with blood running down your leg and filling your shoe. It doesn't mean it should be dismissed, only that it's common, or been known to happen. I described the intensity and all that junk - I wasn't having cramps, so she told me to come in for a blood draw to test my HcG levels. Dr. Laura spoke to me for a while on the phone reassuring me that for the moment I was okay, she was really honest about everything that could possibly happen. She made me feel more focused, and I started to calm down.

I called my Job and let them know that I had to go to my doctor right away, and could not be there at 7. This was my first day back :/ I did not even have a chance to tell them that I was pregnant. This wasn't the way I'd planned on telling them, but hey, shit happens.

I felt emotional and defeated. I could not believe what was happening, and I could not believe for one second that this wasn't a miscarriage. I had one before, I know what it's like... After making the necessary phone calls I stayed in the living room crying, asking "why"? And pleading through my sobbing tears "please don't let this be anything" "please let this be nothing". I asked the Gods to let me keep this happiness that has been shown to me... I cried, and cried, and said I could not live this this kind of sadness... I was desperate, I didn't want to lose what we have tried for so long to achieve. I dried my eye's as much as I could and went back to bed, Josh mumbled "are you going to work", I said "No I am going to go to the Dr. because I'm bleeding a little bit", he asked if I was okay, I said "yes" quietly, trying to remain calm. I needed to sleep. He rubbed my back softly, and didn't ask questions. I'm certain he was thinking about it, but didn't want to stress me out, because he got up a little later...it wasn't a long time, but I knew he was as worried as I was. I slept for a few hours and was off to the Fertility office with my stomach dragging on the ground behind me- I was so scared.

At the Fertility office Dr. Laura examined me, felt around and poked on my belly; she didn't want to do a sonogram, because she was afraid it would be a little too early to see the sac, and she didn't want me to get discouraged by that. I got hugs from everyone, Jenica even came into the room when Dr. Laura was done, she didn't say a word just opened the door and gave me a big hug. *sigh* I love them all... they are amazing woman with big hearts. I left the office, text my boss to say I wasn't going to make it in that I'd bring a doctors note, and keep him updated. I went home, curled up on the couch and waited for that call. Josh was very cautious with words, sweet and observant. I love him so much...

Coral called later in the day to say that my Beta was 2665!! The numbers are right where they should be. Dr. Laura gave me the option to come in on Friday morning(tomorrow)to do an ultrasound for location of the sac. I feel relieved that I will not have to wait through the weekend. I will be 5 weeks and 4 days, so that's pretty close to the 6week mark, we should hopefully be able to see something. I'll get to go back for another sonogram next Tuesday. Even if we don't see anything tomorrow! And if we do see something then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat next Tuesday.

I have continued to spot, and bleed lightly throughout today. I feel better because it's not as bad as yesterday, but because it is still there my stomach feels nervous nonetheless... I'm not giving up hope!!!

#2 Beta is 372 :)

My Beta was great!! It went from 123 ---> 372 *sigh* I'm super happy, and Josh was very happy too! He pretty much sat there and stared at me the whole time I was on the phone with Coral, hehe. Just knowing the number went up gives us a great deal of hope! Our first Sonogram is on October 11th, it will mainly be to check the location of the sac. I'll be 6 weeks on that day, Eeek! Wow, it's still crazy to me. We are still being optimistic, and understand that anything could happen at this point, we are cautious yet so, soo happy! I continue to pee every hour on the hour in the mornings, and frequently throughout the day. lol

I am sad to report that Josh's Papa passed away this morning. I'm so grateful we had those moments with him... He will always be missed, and thought highly of, for generations to come <3
In the words of my Brother In-law - Joaquin Torrans:

Jug passed away this morning from a tumorous cancer near his spinal cord. He is survived by his wife, Gloria, their daughters, Irene, Sheila, and Kate, their husbands, Vernon, Bart, and Mark, 6 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren.

Jug was a descendent of Jacob Ryan, town father of Lake Charles, LA, where Jug was born, lived, and raised his family. A World War II veteran, Jug worked thirty years for PPG.

Surrounded by family and friends, Jug met his end with dignity, in the home he and his wife shared for most of their married life.

Rest in peace, Papa Ryan <3

Beta - No, not the fish.

"It's Fucking Positive" <---- Yesss, I know it's such bad language, but those were my exact words, and I feel that when you've waited as long as I have for this, you deserve to drop a few F-Bombs here and there. lol I'm Pregnant!! It's crazy and still feels unreal... *****If you read this blog, and/or are on my Facebook, please do not make any comments on my page or wall - It's means a lot*****

Some may ask why I'm blogging so early about this and the truth is... I choose to share here, because I honestly only have a few followers, I like to blog in real time (when things actually happen), just in-case things don't go smoothly, I still capture the realness of my life in blog-form. Plus, I can't not blog about this... my life is being written right now, and that is the beauty of my blog - It is real, honest, and a little raw sometimes! Since I do have people that have been reading, and following, I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I truly appreciate everyone's support through this journey! We've told our closest family, and a few close friends. (If you have not been told verbally and see it here I'm sorry- please don't take offense) It's hard trying to keep this a secret since everyone has been following along in our journey, and everyone pretty much knows when I start these days, lol! We are so happy and so freaking excited ♥

:How it went down:

I pulled up my big girl panties, and peed on the stick yesterday (27th & The Hub's Birthday) morning. I woke up at about 7:15 in the morning, got up to go pee, Josh was stumbling into the bathroom as I was stumbling out. He looked at my hand, and said "What's that"? I mumbled half asleep "The stupid pregnancy test, I'm going to set it on the dresser and wait" So there I am, sitting on our hotel room's chaise lounge, sitting as far away from the test as possible, thinking the worst lol. Josh is on the "John", I try to wait, but get so anxious that I can't wait any longer! I walk up to the dresser like I'm ready to fight it, I look down, see two lines, my mouth drops, my heart may have even skipped a beat - I am in complete shock, I feel elated, and nervous. Finally after 6 years we see a faint line, where I've for so long seen absolutely nothing. I starred at the test, put it up to the lamp to make sure I wasn't just seeing it in my head... I opened the bathroom door, shove my arm in with the test in hand, and scream "It's fucking positive" I can see Josh in the mirror, he looks confused... Then he laughed, and repeated my words to his self "it's fucking positive", he looked about as shocked, and surprised as I did. After barging in on him I went back to the chaise lounge, only this time I had the test right in front of me on the table... I just sat there and cried the happiest tears I have ever cried. When he came out of the bathroom, he looked at it more then gave me a huge hug :)



We are still in shock; a happy shock in all, but now we've moved on from the excited shock to the nervous two week wait that now begins. In about two weeks maybe a few days sooner, I'll go in for a sonogram to check and see if we can see the sac in the uterus, and make sure it's not in a tube or elsewhere :/ That would be devastating. I'm considered a very high risk for an ectopic pregnancy, so right now I don't think we'll be able to fully breath until we can see where it is... This morning I went in to the Fertility office at 9am, to get my first Beta/HCG test. It was great because Coral just got new pregnancy tests in, and offered to let me be a guinea pig and test them out for free, hehehe. All three, two urinary, and 1 blood test, came out positive!!! On Friday morning I'll go back into the office, and have the test (Beta/HCG) done again (48 hours later). They want to make sure the number doubles from today. Eeeek! I still can't believe I'm even typing this... I feel like an "impostor", hehe. The second test will let them know that it's progressing the right way, that cells are dividing, and it will also kind of helps us determine if it's in the right location...if the number doesn't change. I'm so happy, and so darn nervous that I could once again, throw up, hahaha.

Jenica just called --- Eeeeek!!! My BETA is 123... I asked if that was good, she said "That's fantastic" *sigh* My heart, and brain are on cloud nine - ♥