5 months already. . .

Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .

5 months already

 I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥

My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that I literally grew from a seed, (my husband actually started the seedling) Josh found the apple blossom that dropped on the ground in our back yard, shoved it in some dirt and I took care of it for the remaining season, the summer from hell (Last year), before I knew it we had a tiny little tree growing strong. So I'm going to plant that little tree on top of my box of memories. When I look at that tree growing and changing over time, I will always remember my Little Bean and how its short life affected us so deeply. It is an Apple Blossom tree which is a beautiful tree. . . it will be perfect. I am also going to get a balloon, write a note to my " Little Bean" and send it off. It will be a way for me to say goodbye, to get some closure, to put my mind at peace and to finally let go. I have learned to be more at peace since the loss, but there are still days where I am brought to tears.

I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.

I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.

I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. .  *fingers crossed*

In the mean time. . . 

I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!

So much fun!

Mr. Pnut and I got dressed up and had our pictures taken downtown Fort Worth on Wednesday!! It was soo much fun and Josh was *grrrr sexy pnut*. He looked great and was ohhh so charming. We had an amazing photographer (Crystal Michelle Mayes) who does "Serendipity-Photography". We went to high school together...although I don't think we ever had a class and I think she knew me from knowing Josh who was the mascot when she was a cheerleader. Needless to say we've been friends on Facebook for sometime now. Since the day she started posting and taking pictures I've been a fan of her work. I'm so glad we did it because she is great to work with, fun, sweet and has an awesome eye for detail in those sweet moments. She has posted two sneak peeks and all I can say is "Wow" She has made us look amazing...I mean we look great *giggle* already but she totally nailed it :) I can't wait to see the rest but for now here are the two pictures! Enjoy and please check her out @ http://www.serendipity-photography.us/

The leaves are falling

Breathing in the beauty that is emerging from this Autumn tale, my soul is awakened from a thick summer sleep. The leaves are falling in brilliant fashion; the ultimate symbol of change. I am ready for it, I have been ready and I will greet my changing life with an open mind and soul. Change has been knocking on my door for some time now, a sweet tap that will not go unnoticed. The air is crisp, cool and whips my hair wildly around my face.
I look out into the multi faceted world that surrounds me and I see that beauty is hiding everywhere, waiting to be discovered, yearning to be written about and photographed. Mother Earth holds many wondrous secrets in her pockets. I wonder about many things; often the future. I question most everything and wonder how life will be different as I become brittle, grey and wrinkled. This life we are so delicately weaved into, crosses many mountains,wades many rivers, and staggers across vast desserts along the way. Don't you have to look forward to live life instead of looking back? I am saddened inside to see those chained to their past, frightened by God's wrath and fury..frightened at the thought of an unyielding loneliness...Yes, it is helpful to look back and understand a life lived then, who we are, and why we are who we've become. What about now? What about living life today with compassion, justice, truth and integrity, living with your head held high instead of buried in your tear stained hands. So many are being pulled under by the nasty current that is our media, our government and radical religious bigots...The media steals away your thoughts and replaces it with a mind numbing drug called "Social Opinions". Government bullies and and Self Richous Religious leaders want your money and care nothing about your personal gain, but you brought money for collection today..your a good person even if you don't have food to feed your family...Does our society care nothing for the people that keep it running... I used to believe that an opinion was a great thing to have, it was something you owned, something you created, something powerful! Now days, opinions are being forced down our throats every which way. It makes me sad in a way that I can't really express. What ever happened to "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all". Watching the news is no longer informative, it's a money and power hungry machine that slowly eats your soul. You don't even know it's happening until you stop, step back and take a good look. I stopped watching TV about 6 months ago...it has been a blessing. TV shows are great don't get me wrong I love several shows but I get them online and bypass all the bull shit in the middle...Life doesn't need another opinion..Life needs action, people to stand firm and walk the walk instead of just talking to talk...Life is begging for transition, the people scream out for understanding and compassion.

Dear Fall, I missed you..welcome back :)

An awesome storm rolled into town earlier this evening...it’s was thunderous, angry, and full of lightning…it was truly beautiful. There were some strange clouds in the sky. Driving back to work it was just so weird…I don’t usually see clouds like that, but that’s because fall has arrived!! I know it’s only about an hour past midnight. To me it’s officially the start of fall, or…autumn, which ever you choose to call it.I have been waiting for the season change…like a kid waiting for Christmas...My life is changing right now and the seasons are changing with me, or I’m just changing with them lol…All I know is that I am ready for change and I’m ready for windy days, leaves crunching beneath my feet, sweaters and Halloween…Oh, I can’t wait till Halloween…I know most people don’t consider it an actual Holiday but in the mind of the “Crito” yes I’m referring to myself in third person with a nick name ha!...hehe Halloween is the best Holiday!!! Then comes; Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the end of the year…So needles to say I have been ready for this season change a bit longer than I should naturally be. Now it’s here, like a present waiting on the porch when you get home from a day…Excitement fills you as the cool wind whips across your face and the smell in the air…Ahh…such a beautiful season :) Okay, so we made an offer on another house last Friday, they did: a counter offer, and today they accepted our offer!! I was dead asleep; Jocelyn called at 8:30 am I tried as hard as I could to sound awake, somewhat, at least. So we’re going Round #2 on this house stuff… I’m excited, a little nervous, but extremely anxious…I’m ready to get this done and over with. If all goes well we should close mid October. Maybe we’ll be there in time to have a Halloween house warming party. I can only hope. Also, I’ve never lived somewhere that I could give out candy to the neighbor hood kids!! I can’t wait to see them all dressed up, it will be a lot of fun. I’ve been a little reluctant to let my self get completely consumed in this new house but I know it’s already happening. Its super cute, has a palm tree in the front yard…haha I used to always tell Josh I wanted a palm tree. I never expected to find a house with one already there. It has a huge kitchen, 4 bedrooms, separate laundry room, new appliances, new paint and carpet, counter tops…1 and a half bath, big backyard and a wooded area behind us. Oh…and a creek that runs along the back wooded area. I’m in love of course, I’m keeping my fingers crossed…Other then that things are good, I’ happy and ready to get moved…I’m going to six flags this weekend with my best girlfriend Sarah, I love her she’s a truly great friend, I’m lucky she thinks I’m cool too. Hahah I feel so loved heheh...can’t wait.

Peace.love.freckles

Craving Autumn

It has been raining for the last five days and I couldn't be happier. Some of the leaves are falling and changing colors, fall is beginning to show it's pretty face. Rain is mentally therapeutic to me… And it’s the greatest gift I could have received after last week’s brutal slap in the face. the rain has been quietly falling… steadily calming my soul all the while, it's been gray and gloomy while the sun takes a break. I let my self get way too attached..to that damn house...the 9th of September came and went like a cool front on the edge of a sweltering summer day
To our bewilderment the seller decided that he did not want to sell his house and changed his mind a few days before closing...so we are out about 500 bucks, and our emotions have been on an extra bumpy ride, a bit more bumpier than expected. There were many tears…then of course we were just pissed off beyond belief, then there was the bashing of the house (you know listing all the reasons you secretly didn’t like the house) haha we were just blindsided and didn’t quite know how to deal with it. So now we are back on the hunt …It’s frustrating to know we are starting over….But there’s not really a lot we can do about it…except suck it up and keep looking ahead...we'll find another house...perhaps it will be even better then the Bonny Wayne house...All I know is I'm glad to have some rain and a lot of it too! It's been very dry .and now everything is so green and pretty. It almost looks fake to look out and see the green trees and vibrant color of flowers that dot the yards.. I truly love this time of year :)something about it soothes my soul and makes me feel connected as a human to the world around me and the beauty that consistently cradles my creative imagination..and in a sense connected to the giant ocean of living consciousness..I'm more soulfully awake during the last part of the year..during the spring and summer months I am not action oriented..I' more contemplative and observant. I am ready for the season change. Oh, how my mind and soul crave the Autumn and Winter months.

peace.love.freckles

On my way home...

On my way back home...the sun was beautiful..

oh cloudy day

If you did not know or had not figured out by now...I love the sky, the clouds..and of course the Sun, Moon and Stars, they have been triggers for some of life's deepest curiosities and the most profound mysteries...I keep my camera with me at all times...just in case I need to pull over and catch some life's natural beauty...This morning was one of those days. I got up at 9:00am to meet Jocelyn my Realtor at the house...We scheduled a foundation inspection and all went well...The clouds in the sky today were truly amazing, they had me in a trance..with their stunning beauty...My pictures don't do justice to what the sky painted me today...but I snapped some photo's anyway The other night Josh and I got to see some of the Perseid meteor shower!! It was awesome..it happens every August. I went out at Midnight and it was too cloudy..then at 1:30 still a little cloudy...then we went out at 3:00am, we popped open the tail gait of the truck and both just laid down starring up into the great unknown...we were out there a good 10 minutes and then it happened...a huge meteor shot across the sky; I gasped and sat straight up clutching my chest. It gives me chills to see something like that..it was so neat so much bigger than all the little things in life, things are happening out there while we just go about our business down here. In all we saw 3 that night. Had we not lived in the city we could have seen many more..But I was satisfied with what we got to see. I will never forget it! It was great to experience that with my Pnut(Josh) making memories is a lot of fun! As a kid I would beg my papa to stay up late when there was a lunar eclipse. He bought a telescope and we always looked to the skies for enjoyment...I was so curious about space and the skies when I was young..it's something I never grew out of. I miss my grandfather. He was an open minded man back then..only I was to young to know or even understand..I wish I could see him now..it would be amazing to talk to him about all the things I've learned over the years..how I've continued to love space even after he left us so long ago, to tell him we have lil robots on Mars..I can see him grinning now :o)..I can remember always waiting and waiting and then falling asleep on the couch..he'd come running into the living room "It's time get up..it's time to come see" We drove my grandmother crazy I'm sure... I'd be half asleep with my hair a mess, and my brain still vaguely swimming in dream land..and after just a moment of peaking into the telescope I lit up like a star, danced on the porch and threw my arms in air ..I would get so excited and just stand there in amazement looking into the sky....I really didn't realize how much my heart missed him until now we have some good memories...this one's for you papa!

peace.love.freckles

Chasing sunsets

This evening I drove through the cemetery on the way home from dropping my brother off. It was kind of weird; I didn't plan it..I just kinda wound up there chasing the sunset.I have been serving as "Local Taxi" to my family over the last several months, my brother has his rehab classes, my grandmother her gazillion doctors appointments, and my dad with his strokes and needing to go to the grocery store at the most inconvenient times..they are a mess..But with great love and the deepest affection I say to you "they are my mess...they drive me crazy, but I love them with all my heart" and I offered to help when my Bro went to rehab..It was one of the stipulations of him going, we kinda made a deal..but hey it's been the best damn deal we've made in a very long time..I'm proud of him..he's staying strong and doing well, taking it day by day..I remember saying "If you go and lose your car (which he did) I will help you no matter what happens" Of course I was being Lil Big sis, and needed to swoop in and take action..I just didn't realize how big of a task it would be..especially when you are in the middle of trying to buy a house. So on day's like today I say to myself.."I got him into rehab it's my duty to see him through recovery" that's what family is for..plus he needs all the support he can get..he has a lot on his plate..
On my way home I was starring face to face with a beautiful sunset, it was speaking to me, painting a beautiful picture that my mind was getting lost in. It was talking to my soul, and the song's on the radio were sent from the Radio Gods just for me, it was a perfect moment, I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a while...a good feeling deep within that things are going to work out no matter what..things will happen even if it takes them a while. One of those moments when I'd look out into the sky and realized that my life was moving and the sunset was moving and I had to catch it, we are all apart of everything, my life has been moving all along the whole time..I just didn't stop to realize it. With the house thing I am totally in tune with my responsibilities at the moment, it feels good, I feel good..and very focused haha..That is a really good feeling. My life is no longer standing still..but in fact change is upon me, blowing all around..
That is why I had the urge to chase the sun and get my inspirational motivation in picture form. Josh forbids me to go down to the river at sunset alone so I make do with parking lots and such...It's not too bad :o) I used to stomp my foot in protest and of course say "I'm an adult I can take care of myself, just because I'm a woman you think I am weak, blah blah blah" overtime I guess I'm starting to realize he really is just looking out for me..and doesn't want anything to happen to my well being.It's sweet in a romantic kinda way and sometimes I just feel so irked at hearing those words.."You're going down there?!?..at this time?!?..by yourself!!" I can laugh about it now because I have no need to take my camera, throw on my granny shades and sit by the river taking pictures of things I really wish were giant mountains and sandy beaches. Driving through Mt Olivet cemetery was quite an interesting and peaceful experience..I never knew how big it was...never did I imagine it was that large..from the street it looks small, neat and quiet a little like one of those cemetery's you see in the movies, except it wasn't cloudy and it wasn't cold or rainy. It was quiet, emerald green..it was quite peaceful...I drove all the way to the back so I would not offend anyone there morning for their lost loved one's or who knows cursing their loved one's for leaving them with debt or crazy greedy kids..what ever they were feeling I was not about to be apart of it..and I didn't want them to see me and wonder what this crazy woman with a camera is doing driving up and down the street's stopping for a few seconds only to stop again a few feet ahead..I was chasing that perfect spot.. that perfect shot..I don't think I found it..but being there..something about it was captivating..I really can't explain it..it was just oddly soothing to be there for a moment..so many tall and full trees, with the sunset peaking through in little patches..it was a beautiful place. If I wanted to buried I guess I wouldn't mind being placed 6ft under one of those big green shade trees...and the grass...ohhh the grass was so green..I almost wanted to take my shoes off and go walk through it..but I thought that might look a little strange...



peace.love.freckles

Hello Sunrise..

I normally work the night shift..so there comes a time when I have to make the dreaded turn-around..Eekkk!!...Don't get me wrong it's not the worst thing that can happen to a person..It's just difficult getting home and having to be back at work in 6 hours. Once I'm there I'm good..it's the getting to sleep and the waking back up in such a short amount of time; that really gets me. Normally I can't sleep so I take A few Melatonin to fall asleep and then I'm like a brainless zombie when I have to get up..lol..there I am dragging my half asleep, still kinda dreaming, drunk-like body out to the car, making sure I have my phone, my key's, the right cloths on, name tag..my camera...*I always have my camera*...and making sure the make-up I forgot to take off last night isn't smeared across my face..lol..okay so maybe not the make up thing...that was back in my early twenties.."The Party all night, don't go to sleep just go straight to work, get a red-bull and worry about sleep later" days...I've grown up a bit since then..but you get my point...the turnaround kicks my ass now..How lame..I'm starting to show my age..hehehe...**Earth**Paging Crystal, get your lazy ass up and get moving, the car isn't going to start it's self"..haha One of the best parts about the turn-around...is that the sun greets me and watches over me as I make the trek to work...as if's it's telling me.."Wake up sleepy Crito, Did you sleep well..have any dreams??..Have a good day..we'll catch up at three!..The morning sun brings out in me such a natural happiness, It's beautiful, it makes me feel alive, and when I see it..I know that I am alive..it's the true start of the day...one I feel from the very depths of my soul..I often miss it because of my night schedule. What's really weird is seeing the Moon out on your way home...and getting back up in those few hours to drive back and you see the moon out still..just about to fade away..as if it waited all night for you..just for you!
peace.love.freckles

Cloud-Puffs

A few weeks back I was at the pool with my nomadic,pregnant,love-lost,trying to find herself-cousin Madeline...I lover her to death!!! but girl got herself in a hard spot right now..she's trying, and she's a fighter so..I believe she will rise up and meet her challenge.Soo..we went to the pool at my ma's apartment complex..the sun was bright, the water warm from the 103 degree weather outside...the sky was cobalt blue..and there were these giant puffy clouds everywhere..they were beautiful, it looked as though Daisy my picawawa got a hold of a bag of cotton balls and just tore across the sky..love it!