Update after RE Appt. . .

I can hardly believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. . . I must admit that the time away has been nice and even now as I try and write this post my brain is just not really with it, lol. I think the Texas heat may be frying my brain cells just a tiny bit.

We finally had our WTF appointment with my RE and talked about what the next step is for us since IUI # 3 failed. . . It was a good talk and I'm glad I got it done and over with.

Drum roll please

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IVF

(O.o)

 *pulls hair out* 

Yep, that is the only option left for us unless a miracle happens and  I get pregnant naturally. 

Hummmm. . . *scratches head*  How the heck did we get to this?!?!?

*sigh* 

 IVF will cost us anywhere from 12,500-14,500 and will get us 1 fresh IVF cycle and one FET cycle.

Mr. Pnut and I have decided that we'll save the money. *gulp* It may take a while, but eventually we'll get there. In the mean time I'll still be able to see my RE for treatment of Endometriosos *Happy Dance*. Getting to see Dr. Laura for Endo makes me so very happy and mainly, because I've already been seeing her for the last few years and she already knows my body, heck she's been inside there and knows what's up so that makes me feel very confident that I'm in good hands!!

We talked about what I should do about the Endo during the extended break before getting to IVF and she will leave it completely up to me. She doesn't want to force us to stop trying on our own, because any opportunity is an opportunity, but let's get real. Endo is ravaging my insides as we speak, so I need some way of controlling it from now until we're ready for IVF.

Right now I'm having more and more pain from my Endo, it is not just during AF, but also during sex, ovulation and other random days throughout my cycle. I've dealt with this for a very long time so, I'm kind of used to it, but knowing the pain is coming back more and more each cycle lets me know that the Endo needs to be stopped somehow if we are to have a successful IVF in the future. (I can't believe I just said that) Talking about IVF feels so foreign right now, I never thought we'd have to go that far to make a baby. . .

Dr. Laura recommends going back on BC to see if that helps the pain and to obviously control the growth, if that does not help then we'll talk about Lupron. I seriously do not want to take Lupron :| If any of you have had to go on Lupron for Endo please leave me some info, advice or anything that would be helpful please share :) Dr. Laura also advised me not to wait past 32. The longer we wait the more damage my Endo will cause, I'll be 30 in March so, this gives us a good amount of time to save up. I told Dr. Laura that I would call back in August as I'd make up my mind then on what to do about the BC. I'm about to get a visit from AF, so I plan on trying on our own for a natural cycle during July just as one last attempt on our own before walking away for the next year or so. I don't have high hopes that it will work, but who knows.

I've been thinking about possibly going on a Diet *Ahhhhhhhhhhhh* An Endo Diet that is. I wonder if I can control the Endo in a more natural way that way we still have opportunities to conceive on our own while we wait and save for IVF. So many things to think about. . . The Diet would mean big changes in my lifestyle, I'm fearful of not having the power to stick with it, lol. . . I've been doing a bit of research and it is helpful yet completely overwhelming at the same time.
 

RE Update - Vlog

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

 

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3

 

"Don't Ignore" The Pain of Infertility

It is "National Infertility Awareness Week" also know as "NIAW"

 April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement

 This is a week set aside to discus all things infertility - How we are affected, how those around us are affected, how we can be helped, how we can help each other, how we can make changes and. . .  how we cope. 

I'm 29 years old - I have Stage IV Endometriosis and have had 3 miscarriages. I have been TTC for 7 years, 5 years spent trying on our own, and the last 2 1/2 years have been with a doctor.

The Theme for this years NIAW is "Don't Ignore______". You are supposed to fill in the blank with something you'd like to tell people "Not to Ignore" about infertility. I have chosen Pain. . . I have felt deep pain due to infertility. I have felt a pain that echos throughout my heart, my soul and body. It is the type of pain that greets me in the morning with a cruel smile. It is like a companion I feel chained to, a companion I have grown tired of, and a companion that has changed my life completely. Sometimes I feel that Infertility has highjacked my life. It has only been recently that I have become more able to face it and accept it for what it is. I have suffered loss and that is hard to swallow at times, not only am I infertile, but I can't stay pregnant. Infertility is pain that is handed out in doses, it's not all at once, it stays with you and lingers. I realize that I may never have a child of my own, it is a very real outcome that I try not to think about too much, yet the reality of that truth haunts me at times. I have felt pain both physically and emotionally. It doesn't go away and it cant be rated on a scale of 1-10, because the pain vibrates out and touches family members, spouses and friends in totally different ways. . . it touches whole lives and has little mercy.

I had a "feeling" I was infertile in my early 20's. I chose to ignore my gut feelings, because of what society told me and how I was made to feel by doctors. "You are so young, don't you want to wait and take birth control in the meantime". I was young, and why would I want to have children so young when there is treatment available for later on when I was "really" ready? All I can say is treatment does not guarantee that you'll get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Don't ignore your gut feeling and don't ignore the pain.

I have done the following - Relaxed, Taken it easy, Prayed, Vacationed, Had surgery, Hoped, Peed on ovulation strips, Tracked my cycle, Taken my temperature, Use special lube for sex, Laid in awkward positions after sex, Eaten different foods around ovulation, IUI, Clomid, Letrozole, Taken Vitamins, Changed my Diet, Charted, Stopped smoking, Stopped Drinking, Cried, Pleaded, Crossed my fingers, Tried not to think about it, and I have propositioned God, or whatever God is listening.

I have already tried all of it and more. And, let me tell you. . .  it is an insult when you tell me "It is in Gods hands" or that it will happen when "God says it is time". . .

Infertility has changed my life in many ways, many ways I could never explain to you, because I can't seem to find the right words. If I could share anything with the wold it would be this - Please Do Not tell a woman to do all of these things I have already done, while she is trying to conceive especially if it has already been over a year or more. I can understand saying some of these things within the first 3-8 months of trying to conceive, because it can take a few tries. Once you hit that year mark it is pretty obvious that there is a problem somewhere. It it hurts deep inside when you hit that year mark, have no answers, and no funds to figure it out. People have no clue that your heart is suddenly thrown into a most fearful and tragic state of being. And with everyone around you saying that you need to relax, well it is a slap right in the face and a hard one too. . . So if we open up enough to tell you we are struggling don't use those types of comments when responding to us. We usually know you had the best intentions when you make those types of comments, we know that you were just trying to be kind and say something nice, because you probably just didn't know what to say. What you should say is that you are sorry things didn't work this cycle, and that you hope the next month will be successful and maybe, that you hope one day they are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that all their hard work pays off. That is truly the most neutral, kindest and honest statement you could say to any man or woman dealing with infertility. We know people don't necessarily understand what it is like to be infertile, but we know you are capable of opening your hearts to hear us, and that is what we need most of all. . . for those around us to listen, and not question. . . It seems a little scary for us to share things too, so don't be afraid to talk to us, and ask us what is going on in our "journey". We are used to most people not asking us what's going on, so your curiosity is sometimes a blessing in disguise, often allowing us to open up and release a little bit of our hurt that is bottled up inside. Talking about it makes it easier to deal with, and that is no lie.


And to all of the infertile woman out there right now - Don't ignore your own disease or your own feelings about the disease. Don't ignore your gut feelings. It is time to stop putting ourselves through so much torture, stop keeping it bottled up inside. We need to do our part and start opening our mouths to the world, make the people hear us, understand us. The world, everyday people and insurance agencies will not know we are in pain unless we tell them, show them or force them them understand. People around you will not know you are suffering unless you tell them. States will not know to cover Family reproduction aid, unless we tell them we need to the help, and if they don't listen, then make them listen. And, I don't mean just in this week. It is up to you to tell those around you when you are at your lowest, don't put on the fake smile and say your great, if someone is asking then tell them how you truly feel, or else how are they to know what you are dealing with? How are they to know that your heart was broken hours before you came into work because of another failed fertility treatment? Tell your friends when you hate the world, tell them when you feel jealous, and hurting, because you are so broken inside from dealing with infertility. Tell your family the truth about your struggles, tell them you've already had two losses and never shared it with them, because you didn't want to burden anyone with your pain and struggle. Tell your friends honestly that you don't want to go to that 3rd baby shower, because it is just too painful. Take time for your self and don't ignore your mental needs. "We" as infertile woman want to control how people see us while were dealing with infertility, we want people to think we are strong and we are, but we are also fragile and living on the edge of something so fierce, something so much bigger than ourselves. It is overwhelming at times, so Ladies - Stop trying to hold it all on your own shoulders, share your burden, your feelings, your hopes and your struggles. Do not be ashamed, we are Warriors. It is time to break the cycle of living in silence. It is completely up to us to change the way people, insurance agencies and the Government sees and treats Infertility. We must share our pain no matter how painful that is. Infertility affects 1 in 8. . . That is a lot people struggling, a lot of broken hearts, a lot of financially broken couples. . . and so much pain that isn't necessary. Don't  Ignore Infertility, because it wont ignore you!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org

You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

 

Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness - Infertility

Week of March 19th: Fertility issues (if any) related to Endo

It is said that 70% of woman with Endometriosis will go on to have healthy pregnancies! I hope I eventually fall into that 70%, because it currently sucks ass to be in the 30% range.

Endometriosis has reeked havoc on my Fertility. My husband and I stopped using protection in 2005 after my 2nd early miscarriage. We have not achieved conception on our own since 2004. I have done fertility treatments, I have peed on sticks, I have charted, I have prayed to the Gods, I have made promises with myself, and I have had surgery.

Having surgery was the best thing that happened to me, because that's when they discovered that I really did have Endometriosis, and it was pretty bad. That was in July 2011 and I felt happy knowing that I finally had an answer, but then I got really angry because of the answer. Stage IV they say... any stage sucks if you ask me. After surgery I was told I had about a 6 month window to try and conceive with help of medication and IUI. We waited 1 month after surgery, did our first IUI in September of 2011 and got PREGNANT!!! We were speechless, in shock, and completely over the moon. I suffered my 3rd miscarriage in November 2011 - We were devastated, at first I didn't want to try again.

While waiting to be able to try again my Endo came back with a vengeance. The left side is completely screwed, completely useless and it will need to be removed eventually. The right side looks better and gives us the best shot, although its not in the best condition either. I have tons and tons of adhesion's and scar tissue which cause things to be in the wrong place and stuck together. We can only "try" every other month since my left tube sits in blood filled sac of scar tissue. Nothing is getting in and nothing is getting out, each month that I bleed during my period, I continue to fill up the blood sac :| When I had surgery in July of 2011 she removed that blood sac, but it came back. Errrr.

I sometimes hate my body, I hate what it is not able to do. I have shed many tears and felt tremendous heartache because of Endometriosis, and yet I still want to fight for what I deserve and that is a family of my own. . . I used to want to be pregnant just to know what it felt like... I craved the experience, over the years my thoughts about being pregnant have changed and evolved. Now I want to be pregnant so I can have a baby... so I can bring life into this world and share our life with it. I want to see myself and husband in this tiny little person... I want it bad, and I'm not going to give up just yet. I still have a lot of "try" left inside of me and I know he does too. But if the time comes where we have exhausted all of our funds and abilities then we will walk away, we will throw in the towel and say goodbye to this painful experience. It has changed us both in many ways, and in the end I know that even thought it hurts I will not regret any of it. We will live Child free. We will not adopt, not that I have bad feelings about that... it's just not for us.

I don't want that time to come where we have to walk away, but if it does then I will have to find peace within myself and I will have to make peace with this disease that causes such emotional and physical pain.

My husband and I just did an IUI with Letrozole on March 16th, 2012 - We are currently waiting to see if it worked and then we'll hold our breath and pray that it sticks.

To any of you out there suffering infertility - I'm truly sorry. Nothing I can say or do will ever make it better, so all I can say is I'm sorry that you are going through this and I wish for you the most beautiful strength to keep trucking along. - Hang in there!!

Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness - The Mental

Week of March 12th: Mental impact that Endo has had on your life.

For me the mental impact of Endometriosis is sometimes more painful than the physical impact. Either that or I've just gotten so used to the pain that it doesn't phase me as much, or the mental aspect has just become more intense than the pain - who knows!

I didn't officially find out that I had Endometriosis until last July (2011), but when I got out of High-School in 2001 and started making trips to the ER, my doctor told me I "probably" had Endometriosis. I got very depressed, I hated my body and told myself I never wanted kids, in order to keep myself from caring about something I could not change.

I felt crushed... I felt broken... and I felt like I was defective. My then Boyfriend and now Husband Josh, made me a binder with info all about Endo, he put it together one day while I was at work. It had stories about diets, research, you name it - he found it! It was very sweet and it was the only way he knew to help me or even support me. I worried a lot, but didn't really talk about it much to those around me. When I did tell people that I probably had Endometriosis and that it might affect my fertility they just said - "Oh don't worry about that now, it will happen when God wants it to happen". And, just for the record - I HATE it when people say that. Not everyone believes in your God! And how dare you say that God chose not to give me a baby, but chose to give the crack head down the street a baby. I pretty much went into denial about my disease and pretended it didn't exist. I just dealt with it the best I could and tried to forget that I even had it. I felt like when I told people about it that they just didn't really get it. I felt frustrated and closed myself off.

In my mid 20's I felt like I was on top of it and in control. I was getting used to the pain and discomfort and that made me feel strong, although sometimes it would completely knock me on my ass, and then I would feel defeated again. I felt that Endo could not hurt me other than during my period and as long as I had enough Tylenol to kill something I'd be ok. Little did I know how much damage was happening inside my body. I also knew in the back of my head that when I was ready to face my disease head on, I'd have to be ready to face my infertility head on and I wasn't ready for that either. So I went several more years feeling completely depressed inside, feeling broken, and neglecting my health because I didn't care about myself - I was already damaged goods . I was partying, drinking and hiding from what really needed attention. I was afraid to admit that this disease had me in a headlock. I would secretly tell myself "I don't want kids". telling myself that kept baby-fever at bay for a while.

In 2010 I had an emotional breakdown. I could no longer tell myself "we're never going to have kids" and be okay with it. My periods were totally off track, they were giving me horrible pain, I was bleeding in-between periods... I knew that things were getting worse and It was finally time to face the music, because if I didn't do it soon it might be too late. After two early losses and years of unprotected sex with no pregnancy I decided that we had a problem and knew in my gut that Endo was to blame. It was finally time to face the truth and stop hiding from the what was really happening to me. You cant hide from a disease that slowly steals little pieces of you... you just cant.

The Mental impact of Endometriosis is hard for everyone and different for everyone at the same time. It is a daily struggle and a life long battle!

Blogging for Endo Awareness - The Physical

Today marks the beginning of the blog carnival "Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness" & today’s topic is: Week 5 - Physical impact that Endometriosis has had on your life.

I started my period at age 13 and had very little pain in the beginning, then a few years later it began to get worse. My periods were never 28 days, they ranged from 26-36 days. I was advised that "this was part of being a woman" I got no special treatment and didn't expect any. My periods were heavy, a little off track and I would start to cramp days before my period was due. Sometimes the cramps were so bad I could not get up. I would curl up in a ball and cry, Tylenol would not help the pain for long. I thought it was true - that this was just part of "womanhood" that I just had to deal with it, so I really didn't make a huge deal about it, I thought it was fairly normal. I noticed in athletics after a good run I would get a tremendous pain in my side. My doctor told me that I should take birth control.

In high school things got worse. I made several trips to emergency rooms thinking something was truly wrong with me. I never received answers and felt like most doctors thought I only wanted attention or drugs. I was in serious pain each time I went in, and each time I left feeling like a hypochondriac. After accruing lots of medical bills I decided to see my doctor again. They told me that I probably had Endo, but could not confirm without surgery and at the time I did not have money for surgery. They told me that it could affect my ability to conceive so I was put on Birth Control and told not to take the last week "placebo" pills, but to instead start a new pack. I did not have my period for almost a year. It seemed to help, but after a few months I noticed the pain returned. My doctor then said that I could try 6 months of Lupron and I said No, I was not about to put myself through 6 months of induced menopause! At that point I took it upon myself to just deal with my pain and go about my life as best I could, I was not ready to start trying for kids as they mentioned it might be something we think about. So I internally dealt with the fear of how it would affect my fertility, little did I know just how serious it would eventually be.

I have since dealt with years of painful periods, depression, and fatigue. In 2010 I had an emotional breakdown about the reality of my infertility and wanted answers. I knew in my head and my heart that Endo was to blame. At that point I was having extreme periods, lots of fatigue, bleeding in between periods and I often had the heating pad waiting and ready for when my period arrived.

In the last several years I have experienced painful bowl movements, bloating, increased bladder sensitivity, and it is sometimes painful to go poo (sorry tmi). And I'm not talking a little discomfort, I'm talking excruciating pain that feels like your insides are slowly being pulled apart. I take waaaaaaay to much Ibuprofen and Tylenol to deal with pain, but it is better than narcotics. I have had cysts rupture, lower back pain, hip and joint pain, pain during sex, pain during exercise, pain going to the bathroom and I have had pain while not on my period.

I started seeing an RE for my infertility and in April 2011 they found a large cyst on my left ovary. I wound up having surgery in July 2011 and my Doctor found Stage IV Endo. The only way to explain it is - It was everywhere, freaking everywhere and I have already been told that eventually I will lose the left side, just not yet :)

The most recent visit with my RE revealed that everything she did during surgery back in July has grown back :| Huge bummer. We thought it would have waited a bit longer.

Pain, Infertility and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
All because of this crappy disease = A frustrated Redhead :|

Endo can be a deep struggle and it seems completely unfair at times, but not everyday is a bad day! And I know that I am stronger because of this life I'm living ♥

Physical Impact (March 5):

Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness

To kick the month off, March 1st will be Yellow Shirt Day so sport your yellow loud & proud on Thursday! We would love to see social media turn yellow! We will hold a linkup here on Thursday for those who want to participate so we can be sure to stop by your blog and say thanks! If you don’t want to change your entire avatar, you can add an Endometriosis awareness ribbon & we would be just as grateful

A little late, hehe - Here is my Yellow shirt!!

Throughout the month of March, we will also be hosting a blog carnival with each week having a different topic to help share your story and experiences with Endo to help create awareness as well as support and encouragement for our fellow Endo warriors!

Here are the topics:

Week of March 5th: Physical impact that Endometriosis has had on your life

Week of March 12th: Mental impact that Endo has had on your life.

Week of March 19th: Fertility issues (if any) related to Endo

Week of March 26th: Things that you have found helpful with Endo or that have allow you to cope in spite of illness

Endometriosis Awareness Month!!

Since March is Endometriosis Awareness month I wanted to share my photo submission for the "Endo the Pain" 2012 Endometriosis Awareness Campaign to help spread awareness. It is a Facebook Group that is trying to spread the word about Endo! Anywho - It is great page with other woman who suffer this same disease, some are just dealing with the disease its self and some are also dealing with infertility caused by this disease.

They have a photo contest each year and I wanted to share the picture I sent in! If you would like to vote I will include the page link. If you or someone you know has Endometriosis please visit the page for them, and tell them about it - show your support :)

"Endo the Pain - 2012"

CD - 3 IUI # 2 w/Letrozole

Our February "trying on our own" Cycle was a BFN. AF came on Friday and I could not have been more happy!! Obviously I was a little bummed that I didn't magically get pregnant on my own, but I'm really excited about this month so I'm not going to let myself feel negative! *Eeek*

I started taking Letrozole today so I'm sure I can expect the hot flashes to kick in tomorrow... at least they are not as bad as when I used to take Clomid, that was ridiculous! I'm already scheduled to go in on March 12th for a follicle check. I ovulated from the left side last month and Dr. Laura confirmed that on my baseline Friday. I went in on Friday CD 1, because Dr. Laura will be out next week. I wore my orange socks (I think they could be lucky, lol) Thank goodness AF came when she did. I would have been so upset if I could not make timing this month. Then we'd have to wait this month and another month just to get back on the right side - talk about frustrating. So... I should definitely ovulate from the right side this month *fingers crossed* that all goes according to plan :)

Does anyone taking Letrozole(Femara) notice loose joints? My hips and shoulders start to ache, and when I walk my hip joints feel like they might come unhinged... Hummm. It's not that bad just annoying more than anything since I'm on my feet for most of my day. Yesterday when I got to work I helped load up for the Bridal show and today my right wrist is soooo sore. Uggg. LOL Joint pain or what ever, I'll take it if that results in a successful IUI this month, lol. I'm ready and sooo excited to see what happens for us. I looked at timing and we may get to do our IUI on St. Patrick's day *sigh* that would be so awesome.

And if it works that would give us an early early December Baby, and early Christmas present *sigh*. My heart will have to survive on hope... pure hope and faith - that we are meant to be parents.

Have a great day Everyone!

Youtube Vlog!!
IUI #2 / CD - 3 w/Letrozole (March)

Leap Day & 13 DPO

Well Happy Leap Day, or year... or whatever it is. <-- Ya, that's about all I got for that. 30 Rock had a really funny episode last week about Leap Year, so if you want funny - go watch 30 Rock :)

Today is 13DPO. 13DPO!!! I do not feel pregnant. *stupid natural cycle* lol

I've had a few tiny symptoms, but nothing to write home about, lol. I have a pregnancy test mocking me on my dressing table and If I had to put money down it would be on a BFN. So I now face the decision that every infertile goes through each month that passes by and she hasn't fallen pregnant.

Do I test and get the heartache over now or wait for AF to show and get lost in a few days of that dreaded "what if I am" ball of crazy emotions crap?!?

I hate that feeling with a passion, so I'll probably test tomorrow morning at 14DPO and put a quick end to this 2WW. I could fool myself and say there is a chance and yes, there is, but sometimes your body just tells ya what tha eff is up, and I'd be beyond shocked if I got a BFP tomorrow morning. I almost can't even believe how much of a freaking drag this 2WW was for me, and how much I let myself get caught up in the "what if" part. And not only that - it was a freaking "on our own cycle" *goood lord* we haven't gotten pregnant "on our own" in 7 years...

I don't know what made me think it would magically work this time around, lol.

Hope get's our heart hurt sometimes. *giggle*

I got emotional about this cycle, or rather I have felt that way over the last few days. I'm sure it is because my body knows I'm not pregnant, and even though I'm cool with that; since we are going to be all set for a good IUI this month, my heart and brain still know that my body failed me once again this month. I could not get pregnant on my own. Uggg. It is okay, and I'm okay. Reminders of what my body doesn't do right make me angry, but after my anger somewhat subsides I want to try even harder. I know I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up about this cycle, but I was wrong and I did, and it has been emotionally intense. I've kept it mostly contained, lol and haven't let the crazy spew out for others to see, but it has been difficult.

I'll be glad when AF comes so we can get started on this March IUI, Eeeek!!! I'm ready... so freaking ready for this. Bring it on!! It will also be my Birthday month. *sigh* I'm already excited. Hence the reason I sound so bitter about getting excited during the 2ww of this natural cycle. Argggg. Our minds really do take us to strange places on this "IF" journey.

Hope you're all doing well - xoxo

Sometimes you want to pull your hair out.

No IUI this month :|

*sigh*

Here is the short...

Yesterday was not that great *sad face*.

Love wise it was wonderful. I'm blessed with a fabulous Husband who cooks me amazing food ♥ We never got to have our picnic the other day, because it was freezing outside, but he cooked steak on the grill which was even better! All year I've bitched about not having a winter and then suddenly out of no where, she decided to stop being so damn shy. We'll do a picnic next month perhaps... maybe around my Birthday

Any-who. . .

Fertility wise - Yesterday sucked. I cried on my way home from work, uggg. I went to my appointment at 12:15 made it back to work by 1:20. Thankfully it was so busy that I didn't have time to be emotional about anything. So as soon as I got in the car to go home everything flooded my brain, and I cried a river in my car.

Let's just say I'll be getting another CA-125 test done, because the mass/blood sausage in my baby-making-oven is just too big for its own britches, meaning it is getting so large and awkward looking that surgery might have to happen anyway. Eeerrrrrrr. They want to make sure it has not turned into ovarian cancer, so they are doing the CA-125 test to make sure my numbers are about the same as last time. I was listed at 146 in May or June of last year which was high, but not super high. Normal numbers are around 25 - I think. We know the number will be high, because of my Endometriosis, so if it is about the same (146) we'll know that it is probably just the Endo going crazy. If the number goes really high they will send me to radiology and then an oncologist. I don't foresee any of that happening, I went through this once before so I'm not really worried. Woman with Endo have higher chances of ovarian cancer, so they just want to be extra cautious.

This month my left ovary decided it wanted all the attention. I have several really good sized follies on the left, and one egg on the right ovary. The left tube is sitting in a sac of standing blood. It is gross. It sucks. It makes me sooo mad. She said we still have a chance because of the egg on the right side, but didn't really recommend doing it, and who in their right mind would take that chance??? What a risk...how stupid and what a waste of money it would be. So we'll wait till next month as long as my CA-125 comes back ok. She said if we wanted to just try on our own this month that would be okay since I did take Letrozole, and we have one lone egg that could turn into a super egg... one can only hope, lol.

No IUI makes me a very unhappy, I've been looking forward to this for months... It was that carrot at the end of the stick that I was chasing. The thoughts of getting started again helped me get through the last several months of deep depression. I. effing. hate. waiting. And I. effing. hate. endo. - And, it is not like you can so oh, well we'll try tomorrow... No... no, it's a whole freaking month, and that doesn't even guarantee that my right ovary will work next month, we just have to hope.

I'm buying wine tonight...

I hope all of you Ladies had a great Valentines Day!!!

And... because I'm pretty sure it is socially unacceptable to get trashed before work at 10:30 in the morning - I'm going to go work out in hopes that it will free my mind ♥

IUI # 2 Canceled :| Vlog Update

Baseline Update for IUI # 2

Just like the night before CD 1, I cried and sobbed Sunday night after Josh went to bed. I thought I'd gotten all my crying out during my "wine-cry-fest" days earlier, but I guess I had some leftover emotions still lingering. I didn't have wine this time around - I just cried and went to bed. I was so nervous about the baseline. It is a make or break kind of appointment if you know what I mean, so it was really difficult to sleep.

I was super excited to see Jenica, the office manager of the Fertility office. Jenica did IVF in December and got pregnant!! It was great to see her - She had that special kind of glow about her :)

It was weird driving into the parking garage. I have to admit that it made me feel a little sick to my stomach at first, but as soon as I walked in the door of the Fertility office I was greeted by Jenica's big smile *sigh* and that settled my nerves. There was a couple waiting in the lobby area, and it made me think back to the day Josh and I first visited the RE office. We were so nervous and hopeful. We were newbs, lol

I got weighed in, poked with needles, had my blood stolen, and then I was sent to that room... The room where everything fell apart in November. If those walls could tell stories... It was the room where we learned our little bean had died *sigh*. It was a little difficult, but I survived.

Dr. L came in with a bright smile on her face and gave me a big hug. I also got hugged by Coral which was really, really nice <3, they are all so wonderful! Dr. L asked me how I was doing, how I handled the last few months, how Josh was doing, and if I was having any pain. I told her I was doing much better, that I cried a lot in Nov and Dec, and that I was really angry during the month of January. She listened to everything, and was very empathetic to the things I was feeling and saying, I didn't feel rushed - Best RE ever!!! I told her that I'd been having a lot of pain in my right hip, and asked her if it was because of the Endo. She said probably, but we could not be certain.

I asked her if I should do anything different this time around... I've had people suggest that I take baby aspirin, She said absolutely not!! It has not been proven to really make a difference, and that it would be best not to add anything to our cycle. I felt better. So many people want to tell you what you should do the next time around, and it's a little frustrating sometimes, because even though you know you're doing everything you can, it still makes you feel like your not doing something right. lol

She started the ultrasound and went after my left side first. I could feel immediately that something was off when she started the internal ultrasound. As she moved the wand to the left it made me jump. It hurt. Great :| On the screen we could see that my Endometrioma (cyst) was back, right along with the blood sausage covering my left fallopian tube. :( Freaking wonderful... Errrrr *stomps feet*

I have stayed on Birth Control since the miscarriage to keep the Endo from going crazy, and it looks as though it did not help me. Stupid...stupid...stupid - Endo *angry eyes*.

We could see all the baby eggs on each of my ovaries, so that's a plus!! We decided that we'll go ahead with the IUI, but my chances of having an ectopic pregnancy is much, much higher now. Errrr. I picked up the Letrozole and started taking it last night. I will take 2.5 mg of the Letrozole, two pills each for 5 days, and because of the cyst I'm going to go in around CD 11 or CD 12, for a follicle check. By that time we'll be able to see which ovary is developing the eggs, she will be able to check the sizes of the follies, so this will be really helpful. If it is the left side that's pumping out eggs, then we'll hold off, and try next month when my right side goes.

Dr. L, is concerned because of my left side, and I'm totally pissed off at my left side. Why does my body have to betray me like this?? It is not fair. I cried on my way back to work yesterday. I was not expecting that my Endo would have grown back so quickly. I am grateful to move on with the IUI, but I felt defeated. I felt like the surgery I just had in July, was useless. . . She hinted at IVF. I asked her if IVF would really be an option considering our problem is staying pregnant. Dr. L said that IVF definitely gives us a better chance, because they are picking the absolute best egg... They grow them for about 5 days and then transfer, so they have the ability to get rid of the ones that will eventually not make it.

So much to think about. . . I'm hoping we get lucky, and that the IUI works again. I will start monitoring my LH surge this Sunday with OPK's, and The hubs and I will do our BD every other day...

I also bought Pre-Seed for the first time ever, 23 bucks for lube - Hahahaha. "Honey, this ain't yo grandma's lube", bawhahahha. Has anyone else used it?? Has anyone had luck with it?? I hope it helps!! Please Wish us luck, and pray that Letrozole does not turn me into a crazy woman, lol!!

CD 5 - Vlog

Endometriosis Pictures

The pictures below are from my own surgery in July 2011. I wanted to post them when I had surgery, but I never got around to it. I found them a few days back and thought I'd share for any of my Endo Ladies out there. They are kinda gross, kinda neat, kind not-so cool, but overall they are informative for others. It is interesting to see the body from inside.
* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

I was supposed to just have a cyst taken off my left ovary, they were going to "look" to see if there was any Endo. They wound up finding Stage IV Endometriosis :| Everything was stuck together, I have a ton of scar tissue, and the left side is pretty much crap-ola. I was told I have a partially frozen pelvis, meaning it's crap, crap, crap!! I'm learning to accept this :) It is the reason for my infertility, so when I'm mad at my "IF" struggles, I get mad at Endo - Errrr! !

I hope the pictures are not offensive to anyone !!

* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

Uterus in the middle, left ovary and fallopian tube covered in adhesion's - stuck to side bowl wall, ligaments and Fallopian tube on right side, ligaments covered in adhesion's. Filmy pink stretchy looking stuff is all adhesion's and scar tissue

Right Ovary with Endo on surface, small spots, adhesion's behind ovary and fallopian tube. Lot's of scar tissue, but not in the way of the tube opening, yet.

Left side view of uterus and left ovary. Black/Dark area is "blood sausage" a blood sac around my ovary, and tube opening. Lots of scar tissue/ adhesion's. everything on that side is stuck to the to the side of my intestines

On the left you see the blood sac at the bottom of my huge left ovary. On the right you see adhesion's and my right ovary with Endo spots. All the red filmy looking stuff is scar tissue and adhesion's

The Blood sac being cut away from my tube

My poor left tube free of the blood sac, but mangled and all twisted up.

The cyst within my ovary being destroyed. They could not get all of it, so it will eventually grow back into a monster. Uggg.

Creme de la Creme 2011

I am a member/Fan of - The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer and every year they do a Creme De la Creme list of the best blogs from the ALI (Adoption/loss/infertility) community.

This is the first year that I added one of my own blog posts to the list! It is an interesting community of woman, and I am so grateful to have found this group. The Creme De la Creme 2011 list is up! I thought I'd share it here with my Blog friends :) For those of you who've never heard of it please check it out, because you never know what you'll find over there. The one thing I can assure you of is that you are not alone in your struggle. There are many woman out there in your same boat or have been in your shoes, and made it to the other side with their sanity still somewhat intact!!

My post was number 131.

You are supposed to pick the Blog post that you feel was your best! Although I don't feel this was my best or most poetic blog post - it was the most honest post I'd made. My post was about going through the process of a miscarriage. . . I needed to get it out, so writing about it help a great deal.

Truth

I have cried everyday for the last 12 days. . .

I manage to not cry much in front of Josh, or at work, but when I am alone. . . I feel lost in my own tearful sea of sadness. I have sobbed deeply over something so small, so wondrous, and something so hoped for. . .

Something that was ours for just a tiny moment :|

*sigh*

This really hurts.

Rest in Peace, My Little Bean...

There is much sadness in my heart. . .

To my friends that knew from the beginning, and to the ones who didn't have a clue. . .

After 6 years of trying to put a bun in my oven, and finally getting pregnant on our first IUI in September, I am sad to say that I have miscarried my little bean. Its tiny little heart wasn't strong enough and stopped beating at about 9 weeks, I was 10 weeks on Tuesday. . . It seems unfair that this journey has had to end so soon :| I'm having a bunch of blood work done, they took 8 vials today. . . Part of me prays that there is nothing found, that maybe this was just an unlucky chromosomal match-up, and there is also a part of me that wishes for an answer. Why does this keeps happening?

*sigh*

I will never forget the excitement I felt for that tiny life, the excitement in Josh's eyes the first time we saw that little heartbeat, the dreams I had, the feeling of pure happiness. . . I was dancing on cloud 9, and over the moon in love with the idea that Josh and I were finally going to have a little Baby Bernard. We've tried for so long, and been disappointed so many times, that we really thought this was going to be our time, but it truly wasn't meant to be, at least not this time around. We've decided that we'll try again sometime in Feb or March, after my body, and mind have had time to heal. The fact that I even got pregnant was a miracle, so that gives me hope for the future.

Yes, It sucks! It fucking sucks more than my words could possibly explain. . . I will not be able to forget this pain, the emotional or physical. I will have to let it become apart of me, they say it will make me stronger. . . Why is that so hard to believe?

I just need to find my big girl panties, put them on, dust my self off, keep a tissue in my pocket for tears, and keep my head up. I have to remember that above all else. . .

For now I'm going to pour myself a glass of red wine, curl up with my heating pad, a Harry Potter Movie, my Roxy, and call it a night.

You have an Angry Fallopian tube...

Goodness me...It was 11o degrees outside today!

We are being baked alive each and every day :/ The grass in my yard died weeks ago and crunches under my feet, my plants are hanging on by a thread and today we hit 32 consecutive days of 100+ temperatures. It's freaking hot everywhere!! Almost all of the United States is being tortured by a tremendous heat wave. Uggggg.

July is officially over, August is here and we are a tiny bit closer to fall weather. I've already noticed the day's are starting to darken sooner. July was busy, hot and very long. I had surgery on the 13th and I finally had my post-op follow up appointment last week. It was informative to say the least. I learned that my Endometriosis is severe... meaning Stage 4. She sent off tissues samples and it all came back as Endometriosis. My ovarian cancer test was negative - *Thank the Gods*. As Dr. Laura went over the Lap pictures she pointed out what I thought was part of the cyst but in fact it was my fallopian tube all curled up and extremely swollen, she said it was an *Angry* fallopian tube :/ It may seem silly but that's what I like about her so much. Even thought my tube is a piece of crap that should be ripped out, she expressed it in a humorous way that made me smile... it sucks to get bad news but it's always easier with someone who understands human emotions. She doesn't over do it but she really get's the point across gently.

I asked her if an egg could get through the tube and she said - "The left tube is open, however... since it's curled up and swollen, you have a very high chance of having and ectopic pregnancy on that side". Dr. Laura also said "With that being said you may want to discuss this information with your family and make sure that you are prepared to deal with something like that".

Example - If we do the IUI, and each of my ovaries releases and egg, one gets fertilized and makes to to my uterus, the other gets fertilized and gets stuck in my tube, I then have a very high chance to lose it all, because I'd have to have surgery to remove the ectopic, which could damage the growing egg/fetus that makes it to the right spot. We just have to be prepared for anything to happen.

For the most part I felt good about the appointment, although deep inside I felt that she was slightly hinting at IVF or maybe I was just feeling low and pessimistic and felt that because I subconsciously was feeling like that was our only option. She said that there was no reason to go straight there. Dr. Laura feels that we do have a good chance with IUI considering they did just go in and clean up badly diseased areas. My fingers are crossed that I produce good eggs :)

Even thought I felt good about the appointment overall I was really angry and pissed off when I left the office that day. I knew it was bad, but I honestly didn't think it would be stage 4. I felt hopeless, sad, angry, pissed, like I needed to drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Goose and defeated. I needed to sleep on it, let those words "Stage 4 Endometrisos" really sink in. I now realize just serious my painful periods are, I'm angry that they are not "regular" periods, like so many frustrated women are told while waiting to be diagnosed with this disease. It is labeled as and Immune disorder. My obsesive research has reached new highs hahaha. I have been digging deep and finding many interesting things about Endo and it makes me feel like in some small way I'm taking control.

Dr. Laura said we could try a few IUI with Letrozole, Clomid messed with my vision too much. If I don't produce enough eggs we can move to IUI with Injectables, which would make me produce more eggs than the Letrozole and if that doesn't work we would need to move to IVF. I've always told myself that I didn't want to go the route of IVF. It's so emotional, horrid side affects, extremely expensive and I just don't know if I'm willing to put myself and Pnut through all that. I asked Dr. Laura what an average estimate would be and she said about 12,000. at least. I felt my heart sink a little. So for right now I think we'll probably try up to 3 cycles and go back to trying on our own.

I've been doing tons of research on diets for Endometriosis and found some positive info... It's intense though. I mean Seriously... no red meat, no dairy, no gluten. I'm willing to do it but I'm so overwhelmed by all the info that I really have no idea where to start. I would love to do things in a natural way if it will help. If a million dollars lands in my lap I might think about IVF but for now I believe 3 cycles of IUI will be a good shot!

We are set to do our first IUI in September :) I stopped taking birth-control the day I had my follow up, it was my last pill, perfect timing! Dr. Laura said that we'll wait and let me have a normal period and start the IUI process at the beginning of my next cycle. We got the go-ahead to resume sex!!! Hahaha Pnut was very happy to hear that :) And...even thought we are not doing the IUI this month, we are still going to try it the good old fashioned way! I'm starting to get excited about the IUI, it's been a long wait and I pray that this is our miracle..please, please, please with sugar on top, let this be our year.

In anticipation of possibly doing the IUI this month I went ahead and bought my monthly supply of Ovulation strips, I'm going to to use them this month to time with our good Ole'fashioned baby-making methods. I find it slightly funny because last year when we started our first month of Clomid it was in September. A whole year will have passed dealing with all this infertility junk, I mean yes, we spent over 5 years of trying before seeing an RE, but this year has been way more emotional than those 5 years of not really knowing what the heck was going on. I'm ready for it to come to an end and let us be on our way to the next chapter of our lives...is that too much to ask for? I don't think so :)