Feeling like crapola

Well Ladies I'm sick :| And not the "morning sickness" kinda sick. I have been attacked by some sort of virus or some sort of upper respiratory infection. I feel like dog poo, and it is my Husbands fault since he got sick first :| Monday I had a little cough, Monday night it started to get worse, I couldn't sleep last night and could feel my lungs burning each time I tried to cough. Ugggg. I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed over :( This is totally not the best time to get sick. *stomps feet and pouts*

Today I am 7 DPIUI and on CD 23. . . I really have no clue if this IUI worked or not. I'm afraid my pessimistic side has gained control of my thoughts as of right now. I've been very tearful, emotional, irritable or rather short tempered, but I haven't felt any of the signs I felt when I got pregnant with IUI in September. I wake up and the first thought on my waking mind is "Are my boobs sore??" Ugggg. I feel like a freak walking around grabbing my boobs throughout the day, lol. I feel frustrated that I'm unable turn that part of my brain off. I know I've said this before... So I'll just say it again.

I. HATE. THE. 2WW. HATE. IT.

I feel as though I got spoiled feeling all those symptoms so early on that first IUI... I'm finding it hard to remain positive right now. No to say that I can't find it within me, just that its kinda hard right now. I'm hoping my negativity is a sign of moodiness and hopefully a pregnancy symptom :) I don't know if it's because I'm sick and just feel so crappy, if it is just the fear of failure or if I'm just feeling sad about this upcoming week... My little Beans due date *sigh*. I didn't think it would really bother me, but having done this IUI I now feel soooo much emotion, so anxious, I feel like I want to hibernate for the next 7 days. . . :)

Sorry to be such a downer Ladies - we all have those days and today is mine! 

 IUI #3 CD 23 - 7 DPIUI Vlog

That time again - May ICLW

Welcome, May ICLWers!!

Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*

If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.

I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!

Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe. 

This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.

*fingers crossed*


 

IUI# 3 CD -12 Follicle check!

Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.

Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
 
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!

I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . .  I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.

I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???

I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope 

with all my heart that this is our lucky # 3 ♥

IUI # 3 Vlog

 

Hello hot-flashes and Goodbye Mothers Day!

I sat down yesterday and tried to write a post for Mothers Day, but it just wasn't in me.

I took my last dose of Letrozole yesterday, so I was definitely feeling emotional and slightly tearful at the tiniest things, I could also feel the hot flashes setting in, lol. They are no where near as bad as Clomid hot-flashes. Today is CD 8 and I'm already lost in thought when it comes to this 3rd IUI. I can't believe we are here again.

Come on Right Ovary. . . I will pull all of my hair out if you do not work with me  You can do this!!

Every year we host a Mothers Day Lunch at the Hotel I work for, so I was pretty busy and happily distracted throughout most of the day. I was glad to work. When I got to work it was still kind of quiet so I stepped outside and called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day!! She did raise me after all, and I own my life to that woman for taking me in when my own parents no longer wanted me. I then called my Mother and then my Mother In-law!! My Mom was dead asleep and Sheila didn't answer, so I wound up leaving a message. Making my rounds of Mother's Day calls this year was fairly painless. I worked, made my calls, watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives *sniff sniff*, and last but not least, the season finale of Survivor!! I was jumping back and forth for two hours trying to catch bits and pieces of each show, lol. I enjoyed myself and I'm so thankful, that I made it through in one piece!!

In all honesty - I tried not to think about it. . .  "It"  being Mothers Day. . .

I didn't think "how unfair" or say "I'm so sad" or "I hate this day" I just didn't think or speak about it as best as I possibly could. There were a few moments where I teared up looking at other peoples Facebook posts, pictures of flowers or pictures out to lunch with their little ones, but over all I survived the day, and I feel proud of myself!! I waited until I got home from work before sending out the mass "Happy Mothers Day!!" text to all my cousins and friends. For some reason it felt more difficult to send out that text, I'm not really sure why. I didn't have enough in me to send out personalized texts for each person, but hey at least I made the effort, right? 

Josh and I were catching up on a few shows when I sent out the Mothers Day text. . . He asked me if Mothers Day was hard for me. I was surprised that he asked and I told him "Kind of". I quickly spit out a few more words to let him know I was okay and trying not to let it bother me. In that moment, I could have broken down immedeatly and really, really cried, but I wanted him to see that I was strong, and that I'd be okay, because I was, it was just another day. I then mumbled that I was trying not to think about it, and the conversation was over. I felt happy that he asked me, that he acknowledged the fact that this day "might" be hard for me.

I was super surprised that my cousin Maddie text back with " You too, darling I love you". 

I cried. . . She was the only person other than Josh, that said anything to me about Mothers Day, acknowledged me, or even thought of me, it touched my heart in a way that I can't explain ♥ The tears I cried were short and sweet. It felt really nice knowing my cousin took a moment and realized that this day was hard for me and that it, is not always a day of celebration, but sometimes it is a day to mourn. And her simple text made all the difference in my day, and I love her so very much for that. It made me feel like all the pain in my heart was softened every so slightly, that everything I've been through has been real, and not just in my head. I may not be a Mother with a baby in my arms, but I have babies in my heart that I will never, ever get to hold. . . I was a Mother the moment I had to grieve the loss of life my husband and I created together *sigh*.

My heart wants to mother things more than anything in this world. When I was a kid and played "house" with my cousins, I was always the Mom. I've always wanted to be a Mother, always, deep down inside. I didn't get to grow up with my Mother, so I feel sometimes that I missed out on something very important in my life. I feel like having my own child will allow me a peek into a world I never understood. . . 

Happy Mothers Day to all of you awesome Moms ♥
 And . . .
Happy Mothers Day to all you Ladies in waiting ♥

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

 

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3