Birthday realizations, oh boy.

So, I turned 33 years old last Friday. 

Whoa...

Thirty freaking...Three. 

I feel like I may blink and be 36 before long. 

My sister, Natalie, and a few of my really close girlfriends met up at my house so we could Uber to Downtown. A few more friends joined us downtown and we had dinner at Del Frisco's Grille. After that we hit up a few bars for drinks and dancing!! 

It was a very much needed night out and, Josh, being the awesome husband he is, stayed home with the circus. I nursed, Olivia, right up until we left and she barely even fussed. She woke up once, took a bottle for, Josh, and passed out on his shoulder before he could even put her back down.

I had a blast!! I felt like "Me" again. Like the fun, Crystal, that has been hiding behind the "Mom" label I now associate with on a daily basis. And not that being a mom is bad in any way - I love being a Mom!! 

There are just moments where I forget who I am outside of being a mother and wife so, it felt nice to feel part of "me" again. 

It was also just great being out of the house, getting dressed, laughing, dancing and talking about adult things with my best gal-pals. 

I often look at my birthday as my own personal New Year. I try and look back over my last year of life and think about what things I want to take care of, what things I want to change or what things I need to work on in general. 

I don't exactly make resolutions, but I go through this entire mental breakdown of my current truths and try to see it all for what it really is.

I have decided. . . 

this year. . .  

My weight needs to come first, because this shit ain't no joke and it is out of control. *sad face*

Well, obviously my family comes first above anything, but for my personal growth, my weight is top priority this year.

My current weight situation makes me feel completely sad and depressed and I have to do something.

I know "inside" is what is supposed to define a person, and for the most part I truly believe that, but looking at myself, 60 pounds overweight and the heaviest I've ever been, makes me want to crawl into a hole and never look at myself again, lol.

Seeing myself this weekend, in pictures, makes me feel horrible about myself. 

Like, who is this chunky girl, with a double chin, and healthy looking muffin-top?!? 

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

It's me. . .  just a fluffier me.

This is the photo that did it for me. I can even remember telling my friend, please don't forget to crop out my fat, oh looooord. How sad.

I feel like I needed this visual realization to get some sort of motivation going so I can get started on taking care of myself. I need to be a healthier, more fit person again. I know if I don't start trying to lose the weight  now. . . it will only get harder as time goes by. Plus, I could even start to gain even more weight from being depressed and not caring about my health. 

Going through two pregnancies has certainly done a number on my body, and lets be real. 

I'm totally over weight for my height.

Totally out of shape. 

I'm a fat girl right now.

It sucks. like, really, sucks. . .  

I mean, there are definitely things in life that are much, much worse, but right now, for me, this really, really sucks.

After having the boys I still needed to lose about 30-40 Ibs.

Right before I got pregnant with Olivia I was about 185-190 lbs.

After having her I'm now about 205-210 lbs

Pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF treatment I was a nice 135-140 range. 

I want to get back there... at least to the 140's. 

I know, I know... "You had 3 babies in 2 years", but still... I gained entirely too much weight and now I'm really feeling the struggle. It sucks... that is all I can say. 

I have a treadmill set up in our our front living room. Josh, recently bought me a little shelf and hung it up in front of the treadmill, so I can put the Ipad up there to watch shows, or play music while working out. 

But. . . 

I can't seem to get my ass up to do it. I feel so tired and worn out by the end of the day, and when Olivia is done nursing for the evening and finally goes to sleep it's about 9:00-9:30 pm, sometimes 10:00 pm. By that time all I want to do is go sit in the computer room with, Josh, and watch a show or, get on the internet and have some adult time. 

I honestly think I need to break my internet addiction and just get my ass in there and do the work, because this weight isn't going to magically go away. . . And breastfeeding...Haha. Breastfeeding has not helped me lose any weight. Not a drop. What an awful lie. It may work for some, but not for me. And, honestly, breastfeeding makes me soooo hungry. I feel way more hungry now than when I was actually pregnant. 

I think I'd be better off waking up 30 minutes earlier and working out before getting the kids up for the morning, but I can't seem to do it. 

I've tried.

Seriously, I have (obviously not hard enough)

I've set the alarm, and I hit snooze. . .  every. single. effing. time.

The struggle is real, folks... very real.

I'm so exhausted, and try to get any sleep I possibly can. If I'd go to bed earlier, then this would be easier to do. I feel like I need someone to come and force me out of bed in order to get it done.  

I just need to form a routine and I can get moving. I can do this... I can. I have faced more difficult situations in life, this is nothing... right!?!

Why is taking the first step always so hard? Why... WHY... WHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhy *stomps feet & pouts*

I set up a "My Fitness Pal" account yesterday... I've logged food yesterday and today... I'm hoping with tiny steps I can get myself moving in the right direction. 

I know that I am truly the only one who can do this, so I just need to put on my big girl panties and get it done!

Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes... anything would be appreciated!