National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is “National Infertility Awareness Week”

The theme this year is #StartAsking

I’ve thought about this theme for several weeks and could not think of an appropriate question to #startasking. I was even contacted by resolve to make a video for my YouTube channel, and I never responded. I feel really crappy about that. So, I began pondering why I didn't respond in the first place. Why didn't I want to share my voice and be an advocate as I had in the past. 

What was wrong with me? 

Well, to be very honest, I felt stuck, and didn't know quite what to say. I also felt anxiety creeping in from my old days of infertility. A small part of me even felt as if I no longer belonged in the "Infertility world". I also felt incredibly overwhelmed with my busy life as a full-time working mom to three small children, and worried that I could not find the time to do it. 

I felt like “who was I" to talk about infertility now that I have children?

And then it hit me! 

Who am I?

How many others feel this same way and become silent again? 

How many want to speak out, but feel they have lost their voice or place in the big "IF" world?

How many just want to close that painful door and never look back?

So, I decided I would. . . 

#startasking mothers to continue being advocates

Who am I?

I'm a Mother to IVF twin boys, and a naturally conceived baby girl, but I am also a woman who suffered loss, painful defeat, deep heartache and emotional darkness, because of an awful disease called Infertility. My husband, my family and my amazing friends stood by my side supporting me through each broken dream and each crushed hope. My life is forever changed by my infertility, and I am unable to erase that part of me, ever. 

Infertility is woven into my soul and has molded me into the woman I am today. And, I must always remember that my children do not make me fertile, they make me a survivor!!

My question - #startasking mothers to continue being advocates, is not a jab at those who’ve made it to the other side successfully, but more of a nudge and a note to say - It’s okay to still relate to your infertile side once you’ve crossed over to motherhood. It’s okay to stand up to infertility if you are no longer fighting to have children or made the decision to not have children in your life, because having children after infertility does not erase the struggle. Its okay to be an advocate for something you survived or didn't. It's okay to still have a voice in a community you may not feel as connected to. 

I think a lot of woman who finally have a child, whether it be through medications, years of trying, IVF, surrogacy embryo adoption, egg donor, or even adoption; feel like they have a smaller voice after the fact. Maybe they feel their voice no longer counts, because they got that prize at the end of the twisted rainbow. 

I have felt like this at times, myself. . .

There is a certain type of unexplained guilt you feel becoming a mother after infertility. Maybe not everyone feels it, but I know that I did.

It was a kind of strange and lonely place to be at first. I felt so happy to finally be pregnant, but I also felt guilt for those who were still struggling. I also felt lonely, because It felt like a lot of woman who'd been there supporting me during my struggles had suddenly ran away to hid, and I don't blame them, because I was that person once, too. In order to protect your heart, you back away from the things that hurt you, and other peoples pregnancies can hurt. I know deep in my heart that they didn't back away out of spite or rudeness, but out of undeniable pain.

I did IVF at the same time as a good ttc friend. I found out mine worked and a week later she learned that hers didn't work. I felt absolutely crushed for her. I didn't even know how or what to say, except that I was sorry. I felt terrible for sharing my happy news during her dark moment, as though she would think I was rubbing it in, even though I knew she didn't think that. I felt sad, happy, and guilty all at the same time. She eventually went on to have a child through the amazing gift of egg donor, but I will never forget that feeling of guilt I felt during one of the happiest moments of my life.

There are many reasons why "post infertility Moms" stop being advocates and stop standing up. It's not because we think we are better or we no longer need the Infertility community for support, or that we no longer care about our fellow IF Sisters. You simply start a new journey, on your own and not everyone rides the wave with you, some people get left behind, others follow and swim beside you, and over time, you find yourself without your once tight community. Suddenly, you're a new a mother who has drifted so far from the shores of infertility that you don't know how to find your way back. A year may pass by and you want another child, so you find your way back, but it's different than it was the first time around. You are different... 

I think we need to remind mothers that their stories are still needed long after their babies are born, that they still have a place in the infertility world. Their stories of success after darkness give hope to those who are just starting to suspect they are infertile to those who are still wading though the deep trenches of heartache and uncertainty.  

Mothers are the advocates that the infertility world still needs and we must encourage them to continue to speak.

Birthday realizations, oh boy.

So, I turned 33 years old last Friday. 

Whoa...

Thirty freaking...Three. 

I feel like I may blink and be 36 before long. 

My sister, Natalie, and a few of my really close girlfriends met up at my house so we could Uber to Downtown. A few more friends joined us downtown and we had dinner at Del Frisco's Grille. After that we hit up a few bars for drinks and dancing!! 

It was a very much needed night out and, Josh, being the awesome husband he is, stayed home with the circus. I nursed, Olivia, right up until we left and she barely even fussed. She woke up once, took a bottle for, Josh, and passed out on his shoulder before he could even put her back down.

I had a blast!! I felt like "Me" again. Like the fun, Crystal, that has been hiding behind the "Mom" label I now associate with on a daily basis. And not that being a mom is bad in any way - I love being a Mom!! 

There are just moments where I forget who I am outside of being a mother and wife so, it felt nice to feel part of "me" again. 

It was also just great being out of the house, getting dressed, laughing, dancing and talking about adult things with my best gal-pals. 

I often look at my birthday as my own personal New Year. I try and look back over my last year of life and think about what things I want to take care of, what things I want to change or what things I need to work on in general. 

I don't exactly make resolutions, but I go through this entire mental breakdown of my current truths and try to see it all for what it really is.

I have decided. . . 

this year. . .  

My weight needs to come first, because this shit ain't no joke and it is out of control. *sad face*

Well, obviously my family comes first above anything, but for my personal growth, my weight is top priority this year.

My current weight situation makes me feel completely sad and depressed and I have to do something.

I know "inside" is what is supposed to define a person, and for the most part I truly believe that, but looking at myself, 60 pounds overweight and the heaviest I've ever been, makes me want to crawl into a hole and never look at myself again, lol.

Seeing myself this weekend, in pictures, makes me feel horrible about myself. 

Like, who is this chunky girl, with a double chin, and healthy looking muffin-top?!? 

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

It's me. . .  just a fluffier me.

This is the photo that did it for me. I can even remember telling my friend, please don't forget to crop out my fat, oh looooord. How sad.

I feel like I needed this visual realization to get some sort of motivation going so I can get started on taking care of myself. I need to be a healthier, more fit person again. I know if I don't start trying to lose the weight  now. . . it will only get harder as time goes by. Plus, I could even start to gain even more weight from being depressed and not caring about my health. 

Going through two pregnancies has certainly done a number on my body, and lets be real. 

I'm totally over weight for my height.

Totally out of shape. 

I'm a fat girl right now.

It sucks. like, really, sucks. . .  

I mean, there are definitely things in life that are much, much worse, but right now, for me, this really, really sucks.

After having the boys I still needed to lose about 30-40 Ibs.

Right before I got pregnant with Olivia I was about 185-190 lbs.

After having her I'm now about 205-210 lbs

Pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF treatment I was a nice 135-140 range. 

I want to get back there... at least to the 140's. 

I know, I know... "You had 3 babies in 2 years", but still... I gained entirely too much weight and now I'm really feeling the struggle. It sucks... that is all I can say. 

I have a treadmill set up in our our front living room. Josh, recently bought me a little shelf and hung it up in front of the treadmill, so I can put the Ipad up there to watch shows, or play music while working out. 

But. . . 

I can't seem to get my ass up to do it. I feel so tired and worn out by the end of the day, and when Olivia is done nursing for the evening and finally goes to sleep it's about 9:00-9:30 pm, sometimes 10:00 pm. By that time all I want to do is go sit in the computer room with, Josh, and watch a show or, get on the internet and have some adult time. 

I honestly think I need to break my internet addiction and just get my ass in there and do the work, because this weight isn't going to magically go away. . . And breastfeeding...Haha. Breastfeeding has not helped me lose any weight. Not a drop. What an awful lie. It may work for some, but not for me. And, honestly, breastfeeding makes me soooo hungry. I feel way more hungry now than when I was actually pregnant. 

I think I'd be better off waking up 30 minutes earlier and working out before getting the kids up for the morning, but I can't seem to do it. 

I've tried.

Seriously, I have (obviously not hard enough)

I've set the alarm, and I hit snooze. . .  every. single. effing. time.

The struggle is real, folks... very real.

I'm so exhausted, and try to get any sleep I possibly can. If I'd go to bed earlier, then this would be easier to do. I feel like I need someone to come and force me out of bed in order to get it done.  

I just need to form a routine and I can get moving. I can do this... I can. I have faced more difficult situations in life, this is nothing... right!?!

Why is taking the first step always so hard? Why... WHY... WHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhy *stomps feet & pouts*

I set up a "My Fitness Pal" account yesterday... I've logged food yesterday and today... I'm hoping with tiny steps I can get myself moving in the right direction. 

I know that I am truly the only one who can do this, so I just need to put on my big girl panties and get it done!

Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes... anything would be appreciated!

They Boys are 9 months old!!

Hello world and Happy October!!

Just here to do a tiny update on the Boys and post a few pictures!

Armor has officially been crawling for about 2 weeks now - WHAT??? How did we get here so fast? Time is flying so fast and these little guys are growing so much... They amaze me each and every day.

I feel like 8 months was such a fun time, mixed with lots of fussing, lol. The Boys have changed so much over the last month or so, and have become very aware of each other and their surrounding. We've had some fussy times which also lets me know they have been going through growth spurts. They are such happy little guys! They laugh, smile and giggle at each other and us... They are so different!

So, Yes... Armor is crawling and pulling up on most things. He is everywhere, investigating and studying everything in his path. He still only has 4 teeth, but I feel a few more might be on the way soon. He has been so smiley and vocal lately.

Ronin is not crawling yet, but is rolling around everywhere, trying to pull up on things, and is really strengthening his upper body. He also looooooves to kick anything and everything in his path. He still goes to PT for Torticollis, but will soon be done (happy dance) He's been in therapy for about 4 months now and I'm so happy that it has helped so much, but a huge part of me will be relieved for him to graduate. My weeks are so full with working full time and appointments on my days off, but I love his Physical Therapist and will be a little sad not to see her anymore, because she is great with both of us!! Ronin has 6 teeth and and two more should break through the surface anytime :)

They turned 9 months old on the 8th of this month, had their 9 month check up and got a flu shot. We don't visit the pediatrician again until they are 12 months... I seriously can't believe they will be 1 year olds in 3 months!!

Armor is 19lbs3oz 28 1/2" tall with a head circumference of 45
Ronin is 18lbs4oz 29" tall with a head circumference of 44

 

The Boys are 7 Months!!

The Boys are growing so fast and sometimes I seriously want to stop time and just absorb every minute of their little lives, every breath, every smile, every cry and every fussy moment. They are absolutely amazing and fill my heart with such amazing joy. I do feel like I miss out on them while I'm at work, but when they smile and laugh at me all of the guilt from being gone literally melts away. I try and soak in as much as I can and stalk them at night from work by logging on to the baby monitor :) Josh also takes lots of video and pictures, so that makes it great! I take weekly pictures of them just like I did when I was pregnant and I post them on The Redhead Files facebook page. I also take a monthly photos with their cute little bowtie stickers that a sweet, sweet friend sent to me during my pregnancy. I love documenting their lives, for me obviously, but also for our family that are out of state.

Armor and Ronin, turned 7 months old on the 8th of August, 7 MONTHS!! How is this possible? I still remember their birth like it was yesterday *sigh*... time sure does fly when you’re having fun! 

We recently took our first road trip with the Boys to visit family in Lake Charles. It was a rather long drive, but they did fantastic on the drive down and overall It was a really nice trip and very much needed for both Josh and I. I got teary-eyed about an hour into our drive thinking, wow… I can’t believe we are traveling back home to see family with our very own family. It was a wonderful feeling. Many of  Josh's family members had not yet met the boys, so everyone got tons of baby snuggles, smiles, kisses and laughs. The boys also swam in the very same pool that Josh swam in as a child. Great memories

Armor is rolling all over the place!! From his tummy he pulls his entire body up from the floor and is basically practicing for future crawling, lol. He loves his bouncer and is now starting fuss when we leave the room. He is very aware of our presence. He smiles and laughs every day and his hair is really starting to come in. Armor is also getting really good at sitting up. He still wobbles a bit and tumbles over after a little while, but overall he’s looking pretty straight. One tooth on the bottom has broken the surface, one right next to it will come any day (hour) and his top two are also coming in right now, poor little guy. Teething hasn't been kind to him. He has Josh's eye color, nose, ears, feet and hands... The rest is all me!

Ronin is going to Physical Therapy each week for his Torticollis and is getting so much stronger. He is starting to roll over on his own from belly to back, and back to belly. He usually only rolls from his right side, so we are working on the left side roll. Sitting is getting better, but he still leans forward and is wobbly, but definitely improving. Ronin recently received a helmet to correct his plagiocephaly. He will have to wear it anywhere from 4-6 months, but I think it will be closer to the 4-5 month range. Ronin has already cut two teeth on the bottom and two top teeth. I call him my teething machine :) He smiles alllll day, everyday and is such a happy little guy. Ronin has my eyes, nose, ears and feet. The rest is alllll Josh!

Both Armor and Ronin are very vocal these days and each of their voices is so different from one another. When we are in another room or I hear them on the baby monitor I instantly know who is who. At their 6 month appointment they both weighed exactly same at 16lbs 10oz and were 27 ½ and 27 ¾ long!! They got vaccinations and did much better this time around. They are drinking 4 bottles a day and each have one full jar of baby food!! I buy nature's best and beechnut, they love sweet potatoes, green beans, squash and pears. I so wanted to make my own food, but seriously… I just don’t have time. Working full time is tough sometimes, but I do what i must in order to support my family. Josh is also a full time student, so our lives are pretty busy these days, but I love it and would not change it for anything in the world. To be honest... I'm madly in love with them and truly amazed at how much our lives have changed in such little time. Josh and I were so excited to know we were finally going to become parents, but there is no way we could have ever known just how amazing it would be, or just how much it would truly affect us. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

                                                           Some Instagram love

 

 

4 1/2 months!!

Life as a Mom is incredible, tiring, enlightening, empowering and by far the best thing I've ever done!!

(I feel so darn lucky)

The Boys are now 4 1/2 months old!!

Armor, squeaks and squawks while, Ronin, smiles and flirts.

The little guy's recently had their 4 month check-up and are growing fantastically. They are still a little on the small side and not even hitting the 50th percentile range on anything, but I'm okay with that, and so is their pediatrician. They were 3 weeks early so taking that into consideration, they are doing great. 

Ronin has an appointment with the cranial/facial doctor in July to discuss what to do about his plagiocephaly. He might need to wear a helmet for a bit, and we're waiting on his referral to the physical therapist for his torticollis. I'm ready to get things moving along for him so that it does not get any worse.

Armor is 13lbs 10oz and 24 1/2 inches

Ronin is 14lbs 1oz and 24 3/4 inches

They are sleeping through the night and what a blessing that is!! They wake up fairly early, but usually go back to sleep for an hour or so after eating. We snuggle on the couch together in the early morning, then move to the play mat and after about an hour or so on the play mat we do tummy time. Timmy time usually results in eventual sleeping or fussing. Ronin, has rolled over from front to back several times, and Armor has rolled from both back to front and front to back. Armor is really active and always kicking those little legs. Their individual personalities are really starting to shine through and they make my heart want to burst. The laughs and sounds they make bring a huge smile to my face and heart each day.

Life as a parent is so much more than I ever imagined it to be. I feel like I'm not such a boring person anymore, lol. I was on maternity leave for two months after they were born and I would have taken an extra month, but I was already out on bed rest for the month prior to their arrival. I was not ready to go back, I'll say that... it was definitely tough, I cried and totally wish I could stay home with them. I have adjusted to life as a working Mom, it is still hard, but you do what you must. Josh was in school the entire time I was pregnant, and started his spring semester just 5 days after they were born. Haha. Looking back at how we all survived those first few months makes me incredibly proud of the both of us. I'm also soooo proud of Josh, for even being able to make it to class each day and make the Dean's list all while adjusting to life as a new twin parent. Josh has taken to fatherhood quite well and it is a beautiful sight to see. He is fantastic with them. In the beginning, when I first went back to work  it was kind of tough on him. One day I came home and he said "They don't like me", he was serious and I felt bad for him, but since then he has created his own routines with them and learned how to be confident in his ability to care for them while I'm gone. It makes my love for him so much deeper. His mother, Sheila (aka Meme) has also been an amazing help. When I'm at work and he's in school she watches them for us and we are so lucky to have her!! She watches them about two days a week and we handle the rest. I just love my life so much. I feel like I waited an eternity to have this role as a mother and it has been worth every ounce of struggle I suffered on my path to Motherhood. 

 

Monthly Photos of The Boys

The Boys are 3 1/2 months old now!!

They are smiling, starting to laugh and have both discovered their hands. I have been posting "Monthly" photos on my Facebook page and thought I'd go ahead and add them here too, since I'm trying to get back into this whole blogging thing. It feels weird that I was not blogging for so long considering I blogged for years prior to getting pregnant. Funny how life happens.

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Each day they make me smile and make me realize how everything we went through to get them was completely worth it and that I'd do it all over again if I needed. I never imagine Motherhood feeling this amazing. Sometimes I look down at them during a feeding and just cry the happiest tears!! It still feels like a dream that they are here, that they are mine and that we have been so incredibly blessed to have them in our lives. 

Right now life feels pretty amazing. 

Motherhood is beyond anything I imagined.

We are forever changed. 

Over the next few weeks I plan to blog about the first few months with the Boys, My breastfeeding experience and how we handle Twin life.

I will also blog about Torticollis and Plagiocephaly, because, Ronin is currently dealing with both.