Birthday realizations, oh boy.

So, I turned 33 years old last Friday. 

Whoa...

Thirty freaking...Three. 

I feel like I may blink and be 36 before long. 

My sister, Natalie, and a few of my really close girlfriends met up at my house so we could Uber to Downtown. A few more friends joined us downtown and we had dinner at Del Frisco's Grille. After that we hit up a few bars for drinks and dancing!! 

It was a very much needed night out and, Josh, being the awesome husband he is, stayed home with the circus. I nursed, Olivia, right up until we left and she barely even fussed. She woke up once, took a bottle for, Josh, and passed out on his shoulder before he could even put her back down.

I had a blast!! I felt like "Me" again. Like the fun, Crystal, that has been hiding behind the "Mom" label I now associate with on a daily basis. And not that being a mom is bad in any way - I love being a Mom!! 

There are just moments where I forget who I am outside of being a mother and wife so, it felt nice to feel part of "me" again. 

It was also just great being out of the house, getting dressed, laughing, dancing and talking about adult things with my best gal-pals. 

I often look at my birthday as my own personal New Year. I try and look back over my last year of life and think about what things I want to take care of, what things I want to change or what things I need to work on in general. 

I don't exactly make resolutions, but I go through this entire mental breakdown of my current truths and try to see it all for what it really is.

I have decided. . . 

this year. . .  

My weight needs to come first, because this shit ain't no joke and it is out of control. *sad face*

Well, obviously my family comes first above anything, but for my personal growth, my weight is top priority this year.

My current weight situation makes me feel completely sad and depressed and I have to do something.

I know "inside" is what is supposed to define a person, and for the most part I truly believe that, but looking at myself, 60 pounds overweight and the heaviest I've ever been, makes me want to crawl into a hole and never look at myself again, lol.

Seeing myself this weekend, in pictures, makes me feel horrible about myself. 

Like, who is this chunky girl, with a double chin, and healthy looking muffin-top?!? 

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

It's me. . .  just a fluffier me.

This is the photo that did it for me. I can even remember telling my friend, please don't forget to crop out my fat, oh looooord. How sad.

I feel like I needed this visual realization to get some sort of motivation going so I can get started on taking care of myself. I need to be a healthier, more fit person again. I know if I don't start trying to lose the weight  now. . . it will only get harder as time goes by. Plus, I could even start to gain even more weight from being depressed and not caring about my health. 

Going through two pregnancies has certainly done a number on my body, and lets be real. 

I'm totally over weight for my height.

Totally out of shape. 

I'm a fat girl right now.

It sucks. like, really, sucks. . .  

I mean, there are definitely things in life that are much, much worse, but right now, for me, this really, really sucks.

After having the boys I still needed to lose about 30-40 Ibs.

Right before I got pregnant with Olivia I was about 185-190 lbs.

After having her I'm now about 205-210 lbs

Pre-pregnancy and pre-IVF treatment I was a nice 135-140 range. 

I want to get back there... at least to the 140's. 

I know, I know... "You had 3 babies in 2 years", but still... I gained entirely too much weight and now I'm really feeling the struggle. It sucks... that is all I can say. 

I have a treadmill set up in our our front living room. Josh, recently bought me a little shelf and hung it up in front of the treadmill, so I can put the Ipad up there to watch shows, or play music while working out. 

But. . . 

I can't seem to get my ass up to do it. I feel so tired and worn out by the end of the day, and when Olivia is done nursing for the evening and finally goes to sleep it's about 9:00-9:30 pm, sometimes 10:00 pm. By that time all I want to do is go sit in the computer room with, Josh, and watch a show or, get on the internet and have some adult time. 

I honestly think I need to break my internet addiction and just get my ass in there and do the work, because this weight isn't going to magically go away. . . And breastfeeding...Haha. Breastfeeding has not helped me lose any weight. Not a drop. What an awful lie. It may work for some, but not for me. And, honestly, breastfeeding makes me soooo hungry. I feel way more hungry now than when I was actually pregnant. 

I think I'd be better off waking up 30 minutes earlier and working out before getting the kids up for the morning, but I can't seem to do it. 

I've tried.

Seriously, I have (obviously not hard enough)

I've set the alarm, and I hit snooze. . .  every. single. effing. time.

The struggle is real, folks... very real.

I'm so exhausted, and try to get any sleep I possibly can. If I'd go to bed earlier, then this would be easier to do. I feel like I need someone to come and force me out of bed in order to get it done.  

I just need to form a routine and I can get moving. I can do this... I can. I have faced more difficult situations in life, this is nothing... right!?!

Why is taking the first step always so hard? Why... WHY... WHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhy *stomps feet & pouts*

I set up a "My Fitness Pal" account yesterday... I've logged food yesterday and today... I'm hoping with tiny steps I can get myself moving in the right direction. 

I know that I am truly the only one who can do this, so I just need to put on my big girl panties and get it done!

Wish me luck, pray for me, send me positive vibes... anything would be appreciated!

The scariest moment of my life

In parenthood you face many challenges along the way. Lots of highs and lows; many moments of happiness and moments of frustration throughout your daily life as a parent. "Parenthood is not for wimps", as someone recently said to me, and they could not be more right. Sunday morning, Josh, and I experienced panic and fear in a way that I never want to experience again. 

Ronin, had a febrile seizure at about 4:00 am on Sunday morning and it is truly, by far the scariest moment of my life thus far. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and both, Josh, and I felt more helpless than we've ever felt in our lives. We handled it and got through it, as a team... and we are forever changed by that one moment in time.

Sunday afternoon we were getting ready to head out to get haircuts for the boys, because lets face it... they were looking pretty shaggy. Both boys were standing at the gate at our kitchen entrance watching me get ready. I heard a noise and turned around, to see that, Ronin, had fallen down and hit his head on the tile floor. I rushed into the kitchen where he was looked down at him and he was beginning the stages of a full blown crying/screaming moment, and his arms were shaking awkwardly now looking back. 

At first We were not sure if Armor pushed him or he just fell, but one minute he was standing there and the next he was on the ground with very jerky arm movements, and crying. They were not fussing, pushing or fighting, so I truly don't think that Armor pushed him over. Armor started crying, because Ronin was hurt. We got, Ronin, calm and settled, and he seemed okay so we got everyone loaded into the car and headed out for haircuts.

Once we got the haircuts done, I was standing there with Olivia in the stroller, holding Ronin's hand while, Josh, paid for the haircut services. Suddenly he just fell to the ground as if he lost his balance, he was not playing or bouncing around being a crazy toddler, he was just standing there very still holding my hand. I noticed he was warm as I picked him up and told, Josh, he was warm...

As soon as we got home I checked his temperature and it was 100.3, not too bad... so I decided to wait closer to bedtime to give him some Motrin. I got a blanket, pillow, cup of water and a bowl of goldfish and raisins and set him up on the couch, because as soon as we got home he went into the living area and laid down on a pillow with his blanket. That is totally not like him at all... He is two, and full of energy and for him to do that was a huge indicator that he truly didn't feel well, but he had no other symptoms of being sick. After being on the couch for a while he seemed less warm and was up and and starting to play a little bit. 

We did our normal nightly routing and got the boys to bed. I gave, Ronin, medicine for the fever even though his temp was now at 98.7 and not really feverish at all, but it was more in case he got a fever after falling asleep.

I go to bed not thinking anything more... Then... around 4:00am, which is really like 3:00am, but the time changed. Josh came running into the Olivia's room where I was sleeping, yelling my name. I jumped out of bed to see, Josh, in a state of panic and, Ronin, half limp half seizing in his arms. I instantly screamed and jumped out of bed all at the same time, and in that split second... thought my child was dying or dead the way Josh was holding him and yelling. Josh yelled "he's having a seizure, call 911" He laid him on the bed and he continued to seize, he couldn't breath and his body was locked up. Josh held him while I fumbled around trying to get my phone and trying to get my fingers to work, I called 911 and the woman on the phone was incredibly calming, and talked us through what to do, and said an ambulance was on the way. 

At this point Ronin was burning up, every inch of his body was incredibly hot... We covered him in a wet towel and turned him on to his side. We took him to the living room and set him on the couch and he began seizing again, not as intensely, but was jerking and making this strange sound as if he could not breath. Two fire trucks and an ambulance came, I met them at the door and led them in. Josh was a mess, so I went into calm mode and answered all the questions the EMT's asked... They were very kind. They took him outside and put him in the ambulance. I went and got Ronin's blanket and stuffed dog and ran out to the ambulance while Josh was inside. I sat there in the ambulance looking at my child and tears filled my eyes. I was so scared for him. I rubbed his head and pet his hair while she started getting vitals and such. Josh rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, because I needed to be with Olivia in case she got hungry, and Josh needed to be with him. Josh had seizures as a child and he was devastated that this had happened to, Ronin.

I called my mother, and she was over in about 20 minutes. . . I packed up Olivia and drove to the children's hospital where he'd been taken. I got to the hospital and he was doing better, still very weak and very warm, but he got a Popsicle (his first one ever) and was snuggled in daddy's lap. I sat on the hospital bed and he curled up in my lap with his blanket and dog... They released us around 10:30-ish, I think... We were all exhausted, worn out and traumatized by the whole experience. It was so sad to see him scared and not knowing what was happening. I have to give tons of credit to the entire nursing staff, EMT's and doctors who cared for him. They were all so very kind and gentle and it just made the experience easier to take in.

The images of him in that moment, convulsing in, Josh's, arms, unable to breathe keep popping into my head. It's scary to think of - "what if" Josh, did not hear him and check on him? The ER doctor at the children's hospital was great, and said this is can be common among young children when they get fevers rapidly, and that it is not necessarily how high the fever is, but how quickly it progresses. Ronin, was not sick at all on Sunday, and still isn't. This fever came out of no where. The doctor recommended that we alternate children's Tylenol and Motrin every three hours for future illnesses for him, because he is at risk for future seizures like this. I used to have the thought "let their body fight the fever, unless it's really bad" but... I will never think that again. . . I will not hesitate to give medication to help a fever in the future. My poor baby.... He's still running fever to this day, and Josh took him in to the pediatricians office to see what's going on this morning. They took some blood so now we wait to see if it tells us anything. My poor little man.  I'm so happy he is doing better, overall, but holy crap... This Mama's heart is traumatized. It is truly the scariest moment of my life. I never, ever want to have to see him like that again 

Strange dream

Dream from 3/3/2016

In the dream Josh and I were at home sitting on the couch. 

I feel like it was the same house we live in now, but at the same time it felt like all the houses/apartments we've lived in in the past.

We were sitting on the couch eating chicken and rice (one of our favorite meals) and a the very same time we both feel drops of water on our face. We look up to see the ceiling is bubbled. At this time in the dream my mind thinks about the stuff in the attic, but we don't have an attic in real life, and it's not raining outside either.

We start to scramble, trying to figure out what is going on... Then, as we are searching all throughout the house it appears that every ceiling is leaking/bubbling and getting ready to buckle. We start to gather a few things in a panic. I gather all my photo albums and that is all we can manage. We can hear the house creaking and making all kinds of sounds, it it makes us scared. We leave the house and go to Josh's parents... the details are fuzzy here, so we must not have stayed long and I don't remember taking the boys or Olivia, so they must have been elsewhere.

Next, we're back at the house and I'm peering into the front door looking at the water damage and the ceiling damage. The ceiling bubble is getting bigger and bigger, and now all of the ceiling looks stained as if it has had water damage for years. Josh tells me not to go in the house, but we need clothes for the kids and specifically Olivia's blankets. I feel so afraid to go in for fear the house will fall on me, but I run into the room and start grabbing baby clothes and stuff from her closet, only in the dream her room is where the boys room is now. 

In my head I can see all the stuff in the attic weighing down the ceiling... it's all junk, and totes full of crap we don't need or use, but we're hanging onto it. I want to go to the computer room and get my computer because of all my saved photos, but I'm too afraid to go any further into the house. 

I'm standing outside waiting for josh to get back... I can see the long beams on the front porch starting to round out from the weight of the house, they look contorted and strange. I'm outside with the bags of stuff I was able to collect and then it happens... the house collapses in on its self. The sound of it collapsing rocked me the core. The walls are still standing somewhat, but everything else has collapsed in on its self.

I can still see those damn totes full of crap sitting on top of the house rubble, perfectly untouched.

I'm standing there in shock and disbelief, I cry to Josh that we need to find the computer and my jewelry box that my grandmother gave me... and that was it... We drove away... and I can see the house/rubble getting smaller and smaller. 

My breastfeeding experience

Before I gave birth to the twins I had a plan for breastfeeding...

I was going to breastfeed and be amazing at it and that was that. 

I really didn't allow myself to think about it not working. I just knew in the depths of my heart and soul that I would be a breastfeeding goddess and it would be the most amazing experience of my life.

Well... that certainly didn't happen. 

I really, really tried hard to make it work and be that milky goddess, but was mentally devastated when my plan came crashing down around me.

When the boys were born it was an incredibly overwhelming experience to say the least. I birthed, Armor, vaginally and Ronin, came via emergency c-section. Both boys had low sugar and jaundice. We had a difficult time latching and staying on the boob, so I also pumped on top of my attempted nursing sessions... They were small, and we gave formula to help keep their sugars up and basically keep them from having to be taken to NICU... Armor was really having a lot of trouble with his sugar as well as the jaundice and spent a whole 24 hours under the lights, so he was not able to nurse during that time. It was so emotionally draining and so foreign at the same time.

When we got home I nursed as much as I could, and as often as I could, and was literally pumping every 2-3 hours on top or trying to nurse them... Even overnight *sigh*. This went on for about 2 1/2 months... I was only getting about an ounce of milk from each breast, if that, and pumping was so draining on top of already being exhausted from being a first time mom to twins and getting very little sleep. I never knew what pure exhaustion felt like until then.

I felt so depressed pumping so much and get so little in return. They boys were also pretty use to the bottle at this point, and would scream bloody murder when I did try and nurse them. I stopped nursing and just continued to pumped. I felt like I was wasting my time, but at the same time I was so happy to give them every drop of breast milk that I was able to produce. We had a few sweet moments in our nursing journey. I will never forget the moments when I got them both latched for a tandem nursing sessions, it was only a few times, but I felt so accomplished.  

Overall, breastfeeding very hard, in so many different ways... So I decided to throw in the towel... But not after mentally beating myself up and feeling like a complete failure as a woman and mom.

Lets be honest... I was in tears... I felt horrible, as if I wasn't woman enough to stick it through and I was just giving up too soon. 

But I was woman enough, dammit. I was amazing; I carried two babies in my body and birthed them into this world. 

That. is. amazing.

After a few weeks of formula feeding... I felt happy and relieved. I'd finally accepted that sometimes things don't always work out the way we plan, and that is okay. There was nothing wrong with creating a new plan. There should never be any shame in bottle feeding, formula feeding or breastfeeding... You just need to feed your baby and mentally survive.

The boys were thriving and getting full bellies. They were happy and just as healthy with formula. Our sleep was improving, meaning I was getting better sleep, too. It so so important for a new mother to get good sleep when she can. 

When I was pregnant with Olivia... I had very different thoughts about breastfeeding. I told myself I wanted to try again, and that we'd see how it went and I would not allow myself to feel bad if it didn't work out this time around.

I also remembered all the things I "felt" like I did wrong with the boys... The biggest thing, for me, I think, was not nursing them enough right after birth. Nursing every few hours, or on demand those first few days is crucial. I remembered all the tips about trying to get a good latch and what to keep doing if it hurt when the baby was latched... I had a list in my head of all the do's and don'ts and I was just going to go with the flow.

And you know what? 

This time around breastfeeding has been absolutely amazing!! Mentally I was way more prepared, I only had to nurse one baby (haha), and I just stuck with it. This time I was in it to win it ;)

The first few weeks were the hardest, but she and I got our groove down, and it has been an incredible experience. I never knew just how amazing it would be. Now, there are definitely pros and cons to both breastfeeding and bottle feeding, but over all I feel blessed and happy to have this type of bond with her. It makes me a little sad that it did not work with the boys, but at the same time... with the struggles with breastfeeding, and having two babies at once - I can't imagine not having switched over to formulas for all our sake and sanity. 

I feel so lucky to have had this experience this time around. Olivia is a very efficient nursling, I worked with her latch that first week, every single time she latched, and she learned for my guidance... It has been so wonderful sitting and staring at her sweet face, and all her sweet little milk coma smiles... She loves to smile in her sleep.

I returned to work the very last week of January and began to pump at work. So far it has been going well.. but I did get mastitis once returning. Boooo. that sucked. Now I pump twice a day and get about 8-10 ounces while I'm at work, and then I nurse once I get home and at night when she wakes up. She is a great sleeper and usually only wakes between 4:30-6:00 am to nurse.

The transition to using a bottle was a nightmare. My poor husband got screamed at by a baby for about a month. It was sad and hard, and no one tells you that part when they are promoting breastfeeding. I would tell every mother to prepare, especially if they are returning to work after. It was really hard, and we probably bought about 8 different bottles trying get her used to it. Josh is really a trooper and deserves every ounce of credit for getting her to finally accept the bottle... It got so bad he had to give her milk with a medicine dropper during the day, because she would literally not eat anything. Crazy girl, hehe.