A new challenge. . .

The realization that my Grandmother is gone really set in this week . .

My Grandmother always helped my Dad when he ran into problems, I have helped him too, but now that she is gone. . . he becomes my responsibility. *sigh*. My family is not the type to jump in an help, so I do not expect anything from them, which is okay, because I'm used to that. I don't mean to say that in a bad way, I love my family with all my heart, but now there is no one left to swoop in and rescue him when he can't help his self. So now, I'll take the reins and I will try and keep my sanity.

My Dad has had several strokes over a 6 year period of time. He suffers with COPD, cirrhosis of the liver and can't communicate with most people because of the strokes. My Dad had been staying with my brother over the last several months, they don't get along very well. Last week my Dad left my brothers and went to my Aunts house to stay, then he went to the Hospital. He was there for about 4 days and is now out. He had a flare up of his COPD, and now the doctors are putting him on oxygen throughout the day. When he got out of the hospital yesterday he had no where to go, so I got him a room at a motel down the street for the next week. He get's a disability social security check each month so he has funds, but he doens't have enough to get a place right now and doesn't get paid until the 1st of March. Josh and I are going to help him with a deposit on an apartment that is literally 5 minutes from my house, so I know once we get him settled into a place things will be a bit easier to handle. But right now. . . I feel so overwhelmed with what I'm supposed to do. I need to get him on some sort of housing assistance, but last time I checked there was a 3 year waiting list. I feel anxious about helping him, because I know it is up to me now. I need to write down all of his doctors info and insurance crap and so on. . . His mail already comes to my house, I guess I should start opening it up to figure out what is going on with him, he's unable to read and can't really tell me anything.

I'm fine taking care of my Dad. I've done it before, with all his doctors appointments and stuff, so I'm not concerned about that. Most people in my family don't understand why I won't let him live with me, and that's the part that is hard. Feeling the judgment of others, who in all actuality don't even give a shit about him is hard. And, I wont let him live with me, but I will help him in all other ways I possibly can. I have my reasons. My Dad continues to drink on a daily basis (wakes up at 8am to get a quart of beer and it goes on throughout the day), he is a mean grouchy person who doens't get along with most anyone. Guilt, from not allowing him to live with me is hard to swallow sometimes, but I'm not going to put his happiness above mine or Josh's. Him living with me would make our relationship strained, and like I said, he is kind of a mean person. Emotionally he is destroyed and has been for years, so it makes him a very bitter person, he thinks everyone is out to get him and feels entitled to being taken care of. So, I'm doing what I can the best way I know how. I know my Dad appreciates what I'm doing to help him, but I feel sad for him not being able to do things for his self like he used to. I know he gets very frustrated at times and that is hard to watch.

A few days after my Grandmothers funeral, my Dad called me to let me know he'd run out of gas, he needed me to come and get him, he was at a park in our city. He could not tell me how to get to him. Because of the strokes he's had, he could only tell me that he could see my old school. He stutters on the phone and shakes his hand as if he is creating the word with his movements. I drove around for 20 minutes going to every park I knew of and finally had to call Josh to look up a map of our city so I could find him. . . At least I know what park he likes to go hang out at now, so next time I'll know where to go when he runs out of gas. I just wish his mind worked the right way.

*sigh* 

Life is one thing after another.

Thanks for listening!!

I just needed a place to put my feelings. . .