Dream March 25

I was in a field a huge open area that had tree’s along the horizon, I was with some other people a few friends...and I think my brother and sister in-law, we were running along side a ditch, there were hills around us but not many trees; except in the distance. There was a lot of wind; suddenly I fell to the ground and dug my arms deep into the earth. I was elbow deep grass and dirt, When I looked behind myself I looked along the ditch…I could see mini tornados forming within the ditch, they seemed to appear out of no where, and they came right for me, I buried my head in my arms and the dirt that surrounded me…they tornados would blow right over me, causing me to feel so freaked out, I would not say horrified. Just freaked out…Today is my birthday. I had several dreams last night. What a great birthday present…the dream was so weird…4 times the tornados came at me, I wasn’t hurt or anything…This dream was on the small side compared to the last tornado dream I had…I was sitting on my bed looking out the window and I could see this huge ominous cloud coming our way, I knew it was a tornado, and by the time it got to us is it was magnificent, Huge and truly amazing…it came up on the house and was just tearing it apart, I could feel the house being pulled apart and feel things buzzing past my body… I remember laying back down on the bed screaming “This is it; hang on” I felt my bed and my body being lifted into the air, I was laying flat on my back with my eye’s closed, and my hands tightly wound up in the sheets. I was floating in the sky I had this sudden peaceful feeling that overcame my entire being…I remember feeling like “This was It I was about to die” as soon as that thought entered into my head I was right back on the ground with chaos surrounding me...But I was alive...so I guess that’s all that really mattered. In my early teens and early 20’s I never had dreams about tornados…there’s are fairly new to my dreamscape

my peaceful aura is changing color

Life at the moment is still and quiet like an empty field in the early morning hours right before the sun rises and birds begin to chirp. My mind is active; my heart worrisome, and my peaceful aura is changing color…it's beyond my control now; it's taking a path of its own, leading me in a direction slightly unknown. Life is changing like it does so frequently, people come and people go. It's as if life around me is changing so much and I am standing at the beginning of this long dirt road watching life fly by…Families are blooming, falling apart, people are growing and moving on, babies are being made, and lives are being written…Maybe it's just the long summer months that make me feel so funky…I really do believe some people are happier In the winter and fall months…I being one of those people…My moods are seasonal...Hahahah...Sure call it rubbish. But it's no lie…the summer months leave my mind bored and yearning for action packed adventure…Where the hell is my action packed adventure? Tell me where the hell is it?? I think schools shouldn't give children the whole summer off; it sets you up for disappointment when you grow up and don't get summer vacations. lol Ugh.....

Unconscious Sabotage

There are things we sometimes do to our self, and it progressively kills the life within us, I'd like to think of it as Unconscious Sabotage. Treading along in life without change, subconsciously, and unconsciously we make choices based upon a superficial feeling. We sabotage our own progress before we know progress is needed. Perhaps derived from fear, we continue to disable our logical strength and allow an epic battle to be played out within the conscious being. Why? We base our current state: in life; upon an emotional battle going on deep within, of course! You say to your self; as humans with such multifaceted emotions, we are often the prey of our own meticulous yet legendary hunt.

My question is: how exactly do we step outside the moment and honestly look at the consequence? How does one keep from being pulled into the attractive poison of life's secretes? Like honey bee's we are drawn to self doubt, self hate, depression, jealousy, anger, rage, more hate, and a handicapped ability to accept responsibility for our own actions, oh wait and disillusionment. Well what I mean by disillusionment is; that sometimes life can be so up in your face that you tune it all out or make it rational in your own mind in order to deal with it for the moment, and then we continue on auto pilot. Doing everything you've always done and nothing more. And that is just it; "Nothing More". Auto Pilot is not a healthy way to live, and yet so many of us do it day in and day out, going to work, going home, doing the same thing everyday with out change. It's like sanding your soul, slowly wearing down the layers making you more vulnerable to falling apart

randomness...

I've walk the endless road of doubt

in search of unfound thought and unplanned meaning

Stories are told; lives are lost; forever unmentioned

Will I follow and float within the sea of lost forgotten thoughts?

Perhaps I know something more than obvious

I gracefully leap off this magnetic cloud of fear laced routine.

Leaving behind darkened times of weakened shame

Cushioning my steps, are memories of contagious laughter

and long lost touch friendly to all who stand in line.

for I am embraced by love unconditionally

a beauty in full bloom, This soul has a thing or two to learn

caressed by vivid and evoking glances

your soft stare penetrates my longing need for touch

quiet sounds of love mingle in the air

Anxiously; pondering the next touchdown.

I am penetrated by his heart-wrenching gaze

I am frozen in this timeless moment

Melting in my very own pool of emotion

I bathe myself in the scattered light

Taking in the essence of love in the boldest form

i am birthed into a new light of lasting soulful grace

I say to the world

Look at me here, crawling in puddles of confusion

You gave me reason to question

You gave me reason to grow

You left out the guided tour

And burned the map years ago

Now on my humble way

I'm lost; somehow going the right way

Yearning for an answer

And an easy way to fly

a way to get there fast and free

as I spread my newly grown wings

i do not look back

with music in my heart

Melody flows throughout my youthful mind

my landing gear is gone and I soar on thoughts unknown

everlasting love grows freely from your limbs

sprouting fruit that provides me with life's little answers

thank you for your cold thoughts, and words less than kind

your brutal wisdom, and razor sharp mind

for I have suffered and left it all behind

Now I play the game so well

you taught me truth

you taught me love

how to hate and how to forgive

so much you have taken, so little you have given

now ride with me to the edge of time

where we'll sit and paint the hands of time.

together in truth we shall remain

one as all, and full of life

despite the broken chapters

time will mend and close all wounds.

Random thoughts

So I finally finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other night, i was pleased it was fantastic...and now i cant wait for the next movie to come out, I read The Order of The Phoenix and just couldn't stop so I had to read the last one…Laugh if you must, I know I'm a bit of a dork, but I love that part of myself, one thing I've learned is that it honestly doesn't matter what others think of you…it's how you feel about yourself…but I had been so enthralled in the story these last couple weeks, that now I'm finished and need to obsessively read something else something just as good…. before my brain explodes in on it's self. Last night I found myself quite annoyed with the television…normally my nights have consisted of watching meaningless crap on TV while I sit pondering life and get no answers, only more questions… since reading the books over the last few weeks I now am completely dissatisfied with everything on TV except for lost, and my all time favorite Voyager…. These political debates and non-stop ramblings of TV anchors is driving me to not give a shit…they say the same ol shit everyday, and plant fear into your head to make you feel insane….any-who reading the stories of Harry Potter were great, It as if I were living the story, obsessively reading each and every chapter hoping it would not end; wishing in some small ridiculous way that life really involved magic… I normally only liked to read books about factual things, real life facts and things about history…. I now have been hurdled into this science fiction world and need more to fill my head, reading the words and thoughts another created is absolutely fascinating, there is something passionate about it… I enjoy the idea of escaping reality through a book, I often wish I were the characters in the books, wishing those were the problems I would need to fix rather than my own life…now I just need a new book to read any suggestions? I've also noted that reading before going to bed has been helping me sleep, it calms the overactive side of my brain that thinks sleep is not a necessity…my brain is still uneasy I'm about to be 25 and what have I done with my life???…I feel like I'm working at a job that I can't imagine working at for the next 5 years, I want to do work that requires all of my potential, my intelligence, my creativity, my passion…. I want work that require all of me, not part of me I'm tired of being a robot in society…And I'm so tired of kissing peoples asses that I'd rather kick, the guest services industry just wears the shit out of you, you become angry and uncaring towards people…. Bitchy guests are getting to me but why? Why should I care? Is it really the guest who gets to me, or is it that I am so tired of dealing with people and their small petty issues that I have no care left for them??? They are just people with issues their selves…I've found myself lately wanting an entire change of scenery in my life…I've been thinking back to things that drove my passion in high school other that Josh… I remember writing all the time, as I have over the last 5 years, it truly is a passion of mine, but only comes in moments of desperation's, or inspiration…Why cant I have it all the time? Just like my art, I love to draw, but only when inspired, when people ask me to draw I feel panic rising up inside, will it be good enough, will they like it…I hate to draw on a time limit…ugh my best work comes when I just do it because something inside drives me to do it…. I remember being in theater and loving the idea of playing someone other than myself; that in it's self was an exhilarating way to feel, my mind felt alive and free; able to mold it's self and pop back to normal at any given second. I secretly yearn to be back in that mind set, learning lines and gathering character from deep within myself, only to throw It onto my audience and see what comes of it…. I don't want to be a famous person, indeed I don't want my life publicly flaunted all over the Television, however I do love the idea of escaping in a character and bring to life something that was merely written for the fun of others to enjoy, there is something about being on stage and being someone else for that single moment, it brings joy, and as I watch movies that are intensely touching to the heart I cant help but wish I could be that person that touches the viewers… I'm not saying I want to run off and be an actress I have responsibilities that must be taken care of; I have a life that I've already created, …but I cant deny that passion that lived in me back then, I've just buried them over the years imagining that I could never embark on such possibilities…It would be great to do a play even if just a small play where only 15 people attended it…I don't know why I'm suddenly drawn back to this passion I so easily left behind and gave up on so long ago…Then I ask my self why I gave it up and didn't pursue it…. and I realize that at that time I was in love, my first love and love at the time was much stronger than my ideas of what job I would have in life…I'm not saying I regret my choices because at the time Its exactly what I wanted, and he is everything that keeps life meaningful…Now I'm looking down this long tunnel of my life and I am scared for the first time in a long time…Will each day pass in the same routine it has….will everyday be full of 8 hour shifts and never having weekends off??? I just have no idea what I really want out of life…. and the more I try and figure out what truly makes me happy…I have no idea…well…I have an idea but what if your dreams feel to far out of reach? What do you tell your self when you feel that you are stuck like chuck?? I want so much to give all of myself to what I'm doing in life, everything seems so unfulfilling, and my attempts are half-assed I feel…. Perhaps I should go back and visit my therapist…. but even then they cant tell you what to do they can help guide you…What if you are afraid to make changes because you feel it will make life difficult for others…What do you do when you feel like your not connected to your real self anymore…that everything you thought you knew and felt about your self was so solid that nothing could persuade you to think any differently, and now it's all gone, poof right out the window, no turning back to say goodbye, just bam…All the sudden you don't know where your going??? I hate this feeling…I have no idea what the future holds for me, and right now I'm so impatient that I'm going mad, and I feel as if nothing fruit full will come…My life isn't like I hoped it would be, although I'm really not sure what I thought it would be….. it's not bad but not fulfilling…with no children in sight I need something else to fill my heart with passion and happiness…I need to fix something within my self, yet if feels unmanageable…even though my issues are small they seem giant standing up to greet them…yet I don't know what it is…It's like I'm a happy person, but deep down I am flustered, disappointed, lost, hopeless, and bothered by all that I have not done with my life, but you know, like most, it's easier to throw that happy face on and just pretend rather then facing what disturbs you and following through on action that could possibly relieve you from your stresses, but like most we just continue in the same old fashion I guess hoping that something will change rather then making it change ourselves …. I've had almost 25 years to do something meaningful…and yet here I sit with nothing to really show…I mean I have a marriage…which is by far wonderful, and exquisite something that we both have worked hard to maintain and create…I admire what Josh and I have, because I see so many people who are in relationships because of a specific reason, a constant: if you will, something that forces them to stay…Josh and I have nothing like that, except the love we share for one another…were together because we truly want to be, and as great as that is….I need more out of life, I need to feel like I'm going somewhere or working toward a bigger picture.…I have time to do so much with my life …but again…I really have not accomplished much and that truly disappoints me…I know that it's not a horrible thing…but it just bothers me…I guess it's what I need….to feel this way… so that it will push me to only move forward with more perseverance….well see how it goes…Time will only tell…and I know I will not feel like this forever but…I will be glad when my thoughts land with a softer acceptance from my own mind…




Thanks for listening…and no need to feel sorry…we all have moments when we feel confused…I'm sure mine is no different than any other persons….I guess that is the one beauty in life…is that we all suffer, physically, emotionally and personally…and sharing our thoughts and experiences is what bonds us together…because it's truly one way we are all alike…despite race, culture, religions…we all have dark moments…

Epic Dream Jan 2008

Okay so my dream started off in house I'm assuming mine and josh's…We had friends and family over, I cant say exactly who everyone was, but I know for sure my brother was there, josh, Sarah, and others…but I just don't know who everyone was…We were having a "Watching party" Supposedly there was going to be some sort of meteor shower or something thing cool to watch in the sky..Ohh I just remembered my grandmother and Jen were there too…

So I'm sitting by the window on the couch and I peek outside through the blinds…To my amazement there is this huge glowing ball in the sky, I recognize it as our sun, yet it's night time and it's orange, yet the sky is not lit up like the sun is out…It kind of looks like the moon when it's coming up over the horizon and it's big and orange…So at this point the sun is about the size of a quarter if you hold it up in front of your face to the sky….I get really excited so we all make our way out side to investigate…When we go out side, all the sudden the sun it huge, in the sky and now it's its sitting right on the horizon, the sun enormous, as if you could reach out and touch it…You can see the hot surface being spit out into the sky, it's really kind of intriguing, and a little bit frightening but it's so big and so huge it covers nearly half the sky…So outside people are crowding the streets in amazement of this one in a lifetime event….Then we go back inside because some of us a starting to freak out. Back at the couch I am looking out the window this time the blinds are pulled up so everyone can see…The sun starts to back off, and all the sudden you see this purple haze or gas stuff coming from the sun it looks like it's about to be right at our neighborhood, only it never reaches us it kind of looks like a nebula or something … it's so amazing in my dream I can remember being sucked into this phenomenon like it wasn't dangerous one bit….Anw-who so it's bleeding purple gaseous stuff and then all the sudden we hear what sounds like a firecracker from miles away, and looking up at the sun you see this huge explosion on the surface and then in slow motion it seemed this huge fire ball comes crashing down to the earth. Now the fireball didn't hit our area of town but then several other fireballs came crashing down, I can remember people screaming, running through my house hiding in my bathroom… The sun then explodes more in the sky and now the dark night sky is littered with burning fireballs, it look as our night sky had just accumulated several stars and other galaxies, the sky was glittery and bright yet still dark, then there were tiny spaceships that started coming through the sky I cant remember them ever landing, then the sun backs off again this time it's about the size of a nickel in the sky, and then it' starts spinning in the sky around the earth as if were being sucked into a whole or something, it was swirling around I the sky and then just like that it was gone, it was just crazy, my dream then goes from that night to the next morning the world is in chaos people are dead, people are missing, josh took a spaceship and left out to space with several other people…I had no idea how to find him, my brother went with him also….Right here is where my dream really starts to fade, but the feelings i had in the dream were very intense, and again……it felt like I had lived this whole other life in my dream, I mean I woke up feeling like if I walked out side the world would be in ruins…It's so crazy, yet as scared as I was in my dream it's like I had been waiting for this thing to happen it's as if part of my mind knew it was supposed to happen, it's very strange, because if something like that happened in real life I would have freaked the fuck out, only in my dream it was just so different…I wish I could remember every single detail, but some of it's not there…anywho


It's really weird, for me to have dreams like this because they are the types of dreams that are burned into your memory, even though it wasn't an actual event…I remember when I was 13 or 12 years old I had a dream very similar to this type, I can still explain it in vivid detail, to this very day…But it had the same feel, only when I had the dream way back then it brought me to tears, I think that's when I started to see the world differently, I remember waking up walking to the living room, I curled up In the chair, and tears just ran down my face, I was so amazed by the dream that telling my brother it moved me, I remember asking him, do you think anything in life could actually happen like that…it's weird but like I said, it's burned into my memory

My heart will still call for you

A thousand men could smile at me softly

and shower me with jewels

Yet, my heart will still call for you

A hundred men might show me the moon

and take me for a ride

yet, my heart will still cry for you

A few good men might die for me

even cry for me

yet, my heart will still beat to your drum

A single man could offer me the world

yet, I would turn to find you

You hold the answers to my life equation

all other variables are incomplete

Loving him

I am so in love with my husband.

I loved him when I married him, but it was a different kind of love, and as time goes by, I see that "Love" changes like the seasons. Sometimes it's cold and bitter, and fades to warmth and sun shiny days...with a pinch of windy laughter


….Now…now, I think I understand what Love is really intended for…but that's my little secret...

I mean...I always loved him but right now at this very moment in time… I stare off into space realizing how much this person makes my life go round, how much this person makes the frown on my face turn into a bucket of smiles. I feel my heart beat so wildly I almost want to cry because I am so thankful…and so relieved I have something in life that makes me get up everyday. Something that allows me not to be selfish...

I can do nothing but smile and look up and thank the "Gods" who gave me such a beautiful life and such an amazing lover. I love him with every fiber of my being every stitch of my soul.

We've grown and fallen, and faded, and grown back…

It's a beautiful dance; one I hope to learn more steps to as I grow into a wise old woman...

Its life at its purest and love at its most precious stage…

I love that he's grown to love my quirkiness…my inconvenient moments of utter ditziness, and my ever changing mind of passion and wonder.

Sometimes love is not so lovely.. "believe me I've been there, done that...and may visit there again someday" at times it "love" makes you want to hurl, run and hide…and often you'll want to pull out your hair and paste it back on with super glue…There are always going to be days when you question your choices, wonder if you chose the right path…and it's difficult to cheer and perk your self up, when your sitting in the dumps…But when you get past those days and see the true light of things…you can lift your head a little higher dust yourself off and continue on your way.

You have to realize that the moments you make are real.. you are the creator. The good and bad are what holds it all together…I guess you could say one with out the other would leave you empty and longing for any of the two "good or bad.."



I have been blessed in many ways... which is why I will continue to live life in a good way (or the best I can) and smile for the fact that I have a "good" life or a better life than I started out with. As each day passes I am bathed in life's beautiful mystery and will persevere down the path of which my heart desires. The path that so makes my heart jump for joy, the path that get's my heart pumping and makes me shake my ass…the path that seems unforeseen, and unknown, maybe even a little frightening…because out there in the mix of all this madness is my life story writing it's self out…many chapters are waiting to be written….

Fear of truth

My tears wait silently in the back of the room pushing and shoving

I hold them back at all cost; careful to not let them spill over

They fight me with everything I have to give, and more

Waiting for the cue they know so well; I withstand their cries.

Days turn into months as the time inches by mocking my every move

What should I do? What do I say, How do I hold it together.

I'm falling apart at the seams as my inner fluff falls out.

Sprawled across the floor I wallow in my own self-pity.

Tears have yet to touch the ground and I am skating on thin ice.

Doctors say it can't be fixed

Unable to hold the protesters any longer; they break free

Thoughts of anger, tears of pain and fear of truth consume me.

I call this the Reckoning

It seems as though
Time is beginning to show
I've come across a lump
In life just a small road bump
Something to make me think
While I sit and ponder a drink




Life throws you a bucket of lemons…and they say make some lemonade.
Is it really that easy? Sounds kinda cheesy?

Do you ever think that sometimes you need something extraordinarily mind boggling to put you in your place and change the path you're currently on? You know…you're going about life, just bouncing along, and bam…

Something totally unexpected throws you for loop causing your mind to pop, and your soul to crack.
I CALL THIS THE RECKONING.
Josh used to use this term when he knew a "good" bad thing was about to happen.

I've come across a lump in life that has caused me to break down and contemplate my life thus far. What have I accomplished? What do I have to show? What makes me happy, am I truly happy…you know that sorta thing?

If I were to die tomorrow would I be happy with my life….
Well that's the thing…I don't think I have done enough in my life "Thus Far" in fact, I haven't done much, and this "lump" has thrown me into fast forward…so all I can imagine is the rest of my life and how it will play out…

It's as if…..The remote control to my life has run out of batteries, and right now I'm stuck in fast forward, scrambling around searching for new batteries… all the while, I can't pause, or even rewind, even worse I can't even turn it off.

It's all about what's coming next, how will I be affected, how will it affect others, and that is kind of scary at the moment.

I feel like I've been depressed, or just in a funk, for a little while now, and this curve ball like, a fishing line has yanked me out of my comfortable "yet unstable" zone and is dangling me over a bridge like a piece of bait. Any second now I expect a giant creature to jump straight out of the river and snap me up…

Only the bridge isn't that high, and there is of course water below to break my fall, but


I'm scared to death of letting go, scared of what's below the water, afraid of the unseen, and the unknowable depths of something so much bigger than my self.

I've just never felt this way before; I mean if I have, it's been more than 10 years…



I guess it's not a bad thing, after all if this "Lump" hadn't come my way, I might have gone on another 10 years with out ever really "Thinking" about what symbolizes my life or what my life means as a whole...So now here I am, facing crazy thoughts, a fearful heart and the questionable future….Maybe it's just because I'm almost a quarter of a century old (25)…and up until now I've just been living life on my terms, and not life on its terms.

I've been riding the waves, and not making waves of my own…how pathetic…LOL
I want to make waves, and splash color all over everything, leave nothing untouched, and everything overlooked…
I guess we all need something to jump out at us once in a while, in order to remind us, of who we are, and where we're going and why we're going there…
It's kind of sad to think it takes something overwhelmingly frightening to make you think outside the box, but what ever it takes, I'm going to hit "Play" no more of this fast forward shit, and no more rewinding myself back to the past, cause the past is gone, and I can't change it, no need to dwell there anymore, I must move on and create a path all my own, or at least just make a path, so I know kind of where I'm going…right? Or Wrong…

Or, does life just takes over and create a path when you have failed to do so for your self…
I think often that is the case, it's not a bad thing, and it's just that you never really know what you'll get, but then again, you never fully know what you're getting even when you know what's coming…

So why waste time waiting for life to throw you a curve ball, when you could be out throwing curve balls your self??!??!?!

Is it then, that you embark on the scariest chapter of your life, and why? Because you have no control over the "lump" that is in question, it's not something you created, or caused, it just something that's happened…

I guess when life takes over, you are living on life's terms and that's what you get…right? Life is too difficult to understand sometimes, trying to put it all together is just too much for the soul to bear and to heavy for the heart to carry.
Okay…I'm glad I got that out…

Tornados and Snow in April?!?

Okay what's the deil-o? One day it's Snow, then it's Hot, then…. Texas twisters..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
right in my own neighborhood. Wow….

All I can say is omg…I never thought I'd see a Tornado that up close and personal, however I did and woooooooooow it was adrenalin pumping and crazy, and soooo cool to see.
On Friday I high-tailed it over to my dad's house before the storm hit…

There I was sitting on my couch-thanking god it was Friday…and that I didn't have to work in the morning…
Then my brother calls, telling me to turn the channel to 8, because there were severe storms coming our way, as soon as I changed it…
My heart started pumping this huge wall cloud was within 10 - 20 minutes of us…
There it was on the screen tornado warning, take cover, Hail, high winds, you name it..

So I jumped up, turned off the heater and grabbed Roxie…I jumped in my car and decided to go to my Dad's house since he's just a few streets over…

I could see the dark clouds getting closer and closer in my rear view mirror, I felt Like I was in a huge race…It was a very creepy feeling it's almost as if you could just feel the charged energy in the air…

Once I got to my dad's house the dark clouds were right on top of us. So Of course my Brother and I wander outside to the front yard…

Yea we were those people who stand outside and gawk at the weather rather than taking cover from it….

But I must say if I had stayed inside I wouldn't have been able to see what I saw..

CJ and I are standing outside and I look up I can see this massive black cloud circling above us and on then you could see this light white softer cloud coming out of the bottom, I kept saying "CJ do you see that, what is that?" Well then all the sudden I hear a train, well it wasn't a train but it was the noise from the tornado, I screamed and ran for the house, I stopped before getting to yell at my brother, then as soon as I look back there it fucking is….

A Tornado just 3 streets over I could hear it, feel it and see it, You could see shingles and wood floating in the air in a funnel, it made my heart almost pop, I ran into the house, and felt this fear just consume me, my body was shaking, the electricity went out, no TV….

As soon as it was there it was gone, then we heard sirens, that were stopping really close to the house…

I was like CJ it hit right across the street because when the sirens would be going off, they'd get to our area and stop…
It was like something out of a movie…

Very freaky…

After the worst of the storm was over I ventured out, well my brother works at the taco Bell there at Beach, and he was supposed to go into work at 7:00, and since there was no electricity or signal to get out on a cell phone, we drove up there….


Josh was even closer than I was just across the street from Mynards.

It was freaking incredible, signs, shingles, tree branches, were everywhere.
Helicopters were just hovering over the area; police were everywhere, ambulances, and people just everywhere…

When the electricity came on later that night, and I watched the news and say the tornado that hit us…it was unbelievable…

I just couldn't believe it…


Anywho I'm at work tonight…till 11:00 then I have to be here at 7 in the morning…

Gawd…it sucks…

treading shallow thoughts

walking in the distance I see many questionable paths

I take a break longing to sit and ponder life

rain falling on my soul cleanses my inner confliction

pouring out of my mind are polished thougths

i have yet to start my jouney abroad

weighed down by my own informal needs

i strech out and gaze up at the stars

asking for answers and questioning forethought

lying here in mindful passion

my heart leaps headstrong into the sky

with full force and empty convictions

i am at once everywhere and nowhere

beauty seeks me as age defies me

free of bondaries my heart dances wildy

into the darkened past

stillness of the heart allows no passengers and no pedestrians

alone i wak theis milky way of unconsciousness

treading in shallow thought my soul is half full

the fight of my life..

My life as a sober person has been wholesome, uplifting and most of all groundbreaking.

Groundbreaking why? Because there was honestly a time when I thought I'd never be able to stop using. I honestly thought that for the rest of my life I'd be trying to get my fix. And now that I know I can live with out that fix, I am reborn into a life of happier times. Because I sleep on the weekends, because I wake up happy in the mornings, and I wake up loving life…

I've gained back so much that I lost so long ago. And I am pround of my self for the first time in a very long time.

I have things in life that make me happy to not use...

Like my husband, My dear friends, my God daughter, and new Godson. My family most of all.

Would I want them looking up to me like that? Hell no..

I have friends that I love, and friends that love me, no longer do I have to hide from myself. I have learned to love myself, and love who I am it's been a hard road. But I'm happy to say that I'm going to stay on this road. I cant turn back now, it would be the worst ending to one of my greatest stories.

I am a happier person these days, I get more done..

I laugh at life more, and I try hard at the things that I choose to do. It hasn't been easy, but with the help of a pregnant friend named Sarah early this year in Jan, I was able to see just what my life was all about. She is an honest friend, a blunt friend who would tell you when your fucking up. I stopped honestly because I didnt want Sarah to think I was a bad person...She's the mother of my God-children and her opinion matters a lot. I stopped for many reasons, but she really showed me and told me what I was all about..For her I am oh so thankful..She got mad at me when she knew I was using...I couldn't stand that feeling. It felt like my mom was yelling at me...
But again, without hearing what she really thought, without hearing Josh's true feelings about it all...

I would still be using every day in secret, hoping no one would know.

Free of my destructive meth addiction. And when I mean destructive, I mean earth shattering.The Monkey I fought with for 3-4 years can no longer pray upon my thriving soul. I started smoking meth, and doing ecstasy with a friend, it started out as a weekend thing, something fun to do, we'd sit up all night talking about life, never really solving any of our problems, more less just figuring out where we were. Even then we had no clue where we really were.

I was a weekend warrior. Any drug that came my way, I abused. It honestly didn't matter what it was I did it I just wanted to be high, and not me. Now days I try and ask myself, what was so wrong that I had to hide from myself? Why did I feel the need to terrorize my heart?

My drugs of choice at one time were, ice, ecstasy, coke, pills, shroom's, and acid anything that was offered up to me I did. For some reason I wasn't concerned or even afraid I would die, or become damaged in some way. I guess you could say I thought I was invincible. I was so wrong. I was so very wrong. Your body starts fighting back, your mind gets lost and then you don't even understand why you are the way you are. So you go and cover up all the pain you just caused yourself with more pain. The amount of drugs that Ingested every week, is now unthinkable in my sober mind. I think about it and already my heart wants to pop. How could I have lived when I just pumped my body full of toxins????

How is this possible? sad, No? Not sad at all. Pathetic Yes. In every way thinkable

Meth is so addictive; you don't know you've been pulled under until the whole world is sitting on your chest. You think it makes you happy; and momentarily it does, while in the cracks and crevices of your mind your true self lays abandoned and broken, waiting for you to remember the softness of your being.You think it opens your mind, and maybe it does. I'm a much different person sine I chose a life of drug abuse. But the pain I endured becoming who I am isn't' really the right way to go about it.

Thinking and looking back at all that I had done, I am amazed at myself and sometimes angered. I wonder often how I let myself be so damned destructive. What was I trying to forget? Who was I trying to impress? Who was I trying to hurt?
I love me now, for Me. I am able to look in the mirror, and smile, but I can feel the smile deep within. It's something I could never feel when I was using. When I was using I would look into the mirror, and pray that no one knew how messed up I was. I was hiding from the world and hoping secretly that someone would call me out. Hoping secretly that someone would bust my balls, so that I would have an excuse to stop. I've been watching intervention a lot lately, it really hits me hard, thinking I was in their shoes, and no longer have to struggle as hard to stay happy. But you still have to struggle…

anyone who's had an addiction can tell you that it never goes away..

Well I guess that's not true, in a sense I struggle everyday to stay on top of my growth. It's a battle I fight every time I see my old friends, I think back to all the crazy times we had, all the weekends we spent not sleeping and driving all over town till the sun came up. All the stories we exchanged, all the things I learned about life….

I have moments where I crave that high. Don't get me wrong…..like I said it's a daily struggle, a life long struggle, it doesn't just go away.

crazy night with the boy

Holy Crap I am freezing my ass off, literally, well maybe just my nose and fingers. It's nice to have this cool weather, only the Hotel insist on keeping the temperature set cold enough to freeze an ice cube. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I only have few hours left and my Friday starts. Yay, for me who; worked days in a row this week. I sooooo did not want to get out of bed this morning Josh was extra sweet this morning, heheheheh. I love him like a runner loves his shoes.
Wow yesterday was my day off, and I walked everywhere. My ass feels great and you might even be able to bounce a quarter off it. hehehe I slept in which was fantastic, and then I got up and attempted to clean the kitchen. I only got about 75 % of the way through it then I gave up and sat my lazy ass on the couch and watched some awful daytime T.V. Well I guess it wasn't that awful, I sat there watching it for at least an hour and a half while Mary Jane and I rekindled an old flame….

hahaha…I crack me up.

Okay so I put on my sneakers and my sweater, and I was off, off and away. I haven't seen my dad in almost two weeks, so I had been promising him all week that Thursday I'd walk to his house and visit with him. Finally I am a woman of my word. I was stoned off my ass, which Hey I deserved, it was my day off, and I wasn't harming anyone else with my free time illegal activity. But it made for one great walk. It was such a beautiful day, that why wouldn't you walk instead of drive. I only have about a week and a half and I will be up and rolling on four wheels…

Last night. Wow you should have seen Josh and I. I walked to my Dad's during the day I spent the better part of the afternoon there, and I walked probably about 2 miles maybe 3 together there so I wasn't leaving anytime soon. When my brother got home I left so that I wouldn't be walking home in the dark. Since yesterday was my only day off that's all I got done, once I got home I asked josh if he'd walk to the laundry mat with me. We gathered up our cloths into our backpacks, geeeze we sound like little kids. hahahah I thought we were going to walk, but Josh brings the bike and tells me to hop on the handlebars. At first I was hesitant. But once on, the laughter just came flowing out of me. Josh was so spontaneous with the whole riding the bike down Sylvania. We only had to ride about half a mile, but it was soooo fun. I felt scared like a little kid but I wanted more and more of it. We both just kept laughing like little kids, looking at all the other cars looking at us! hahahha

Last night as I lay in bed I just laughed at us. I had the image of myself perched atop these handlebars and him behind peering over my big head. It was a sight to see…..