Feeling Anxious!

Okay, I'm just going to say it. . . Where the hell is Winter? It was freaking 75 degrees today and it is January *stomps feet* :| I feel totally jipped and robbed of my precious dreary days, and frosty nights *sigh* Not cool Mother Nature. . .

Not cool :|

I feel like I've been avoiding my blog a bit. Not that I haven't had anything to say, because I have. . . I've just had a lot going on in my head. So much, that I could barely even get my Vegas blog out. My brain was cluttered up with so many other thoughts and feelings. Goodness.

I have been feeling anxious and restless... Oh, and you can add a bucket of anger along with it. Some mornings I wake up in a pissed off mood, still angry at what transpired in November. Angry that we have to go through this all over again. I hate feeling that way, but I can't push it away anymore, I have to feel it until there is nothing left to feel. The last few months have been really hard since the miscarriage, I feel like I have pushed certain feelings aside in order to make it through daily life without being a depressed mess. Hell - just making it through the Holidays was a job. It has been hard, harder than I have recently cared to admit.

Small amounts of excitement have started to creep back in to my heart. . . I officially have only a week and a few days until I finish my Birth Control. Eeek! I will call the Fertility office on CD 1, go in for my baseline ultrasound on CD 3, hopefully all will look good and I can pick up my Letrozole and be on our way to IUI # 2. Fingers are crossed that there are no speed bumps. I'm over speed bumps and ready to get this show on the road.

I admit that it feels kind of strange being weeks away from doing another IUI. . . Weren't we just there a few months ago? It already feels different this time. I feel like a wounded warrior going back into battle. This time going in, I will not let me heart be hurt so easily. I will guard my self and my thoughts as best as I can. It feels like it all happened yesterday, and yet it will be three months on Feb 9th. My poor little Bean. So many things are running through my head, I have never felt so vulnerable. I'm feeling deep emotions and lots of them. I am excited, fearful, hopeful, nervous and scared to death all at the same time. It feels like I'm riding huge waves of emotions the closer we get. I want so badly for it to work again, just like it did last time. I pray that if it does work, that it sticks. . . I am so afraid of another loss. My heart can't take much more. All I can do is think positively and if it doesn't work we'll try one more time.

I recently started Video Blogging and created a Youtube Channel :) For anyone that wants to follow along, please do! And if any of you ladies out there Video Blog let me know - I'd love to follow your stories as well!!

Vegas Baby!!

Vegas was "Awesomeness - to tha' max", as my friend Misty you would say. It feels like it went by so quickly, and to be honest it did. We needed one more day, lol.

We'll definitely go back someday!

Josh and I had a great time *sigh* We were up at about 5am Sat morning, hahaha. Because of the time change we were a little off in our sleep schedule, and when I opened my eyes for the first time that morning that was it... there was no falling back to sleep. I got up, got ready, and we were out walking the Vegas strip by 7:30 in the morning! It was really, really cold. The views were amazing!! We walked soooo much that we both had blisters, and Josh's pinky toenail started to dig into his other toe. It was not pretty, but he was really great about it. We put a band aid on it, rested our feet for a bit, played a few bucks on the penny slots, and we were back out. There is nothing worse than having a wound, or blister on your foot when you have to walk everywhere, lol. I was that way on Friday night when we got there! hahaha I was in heels and after a few hours we were searching for flip flops - Oops I forgot my flats :| Never forget your flats. Your feet will hate you if you try and do Vegas in cute sassy heels.. Just don't, no one will be looking at your feet anyway!

We saw the Bellagio fountains, and let me just say that it brought tears to my eyes, seriously. It was so beautiful to watch and the music that goes along... *sigh* I don' know if I just needed to cry or what, but it moved me. We did a lot sightseeing during the day on Sat, took a ride up to the top of the Eiffel Tower, walked almost the entire strip, gambled on the slots a little here and there... And I still feel worn out from everything, lol.

Anna was Beautiful and Jim was calm and collected, things got a bit stressful right before the wedding, but all was well in the end :) The wedding was sweet ♥ I cried like a baby, lol. I knew that would happen *sigh* I'm so happy for them!!! And, I'm grateful that we had the opportunity to be apart of everything!

Here are a few pics!!

The Hotel we stayed at was Ballys - Great location!

OMG We're in Vegas!!

Going to Dinner!

The view from our room *sigh* it was so pretty!

The top of the Eiffel Tower

My Name :)

At the Bellagio Fountains

Vegas at night!

It was a blast!!
Never, never take the red-eye home from Vegas... We left the reception Sat night and went to the airport to catch our 12:54am flight...we were like Zombies walking through the airport. I told Josh that the people looking at us probably though by the looks of us that we'd partied our asses off, haha
But we really didn't, lol. Can't wait to go back!!

8 Day's until Vegas!!

We leave for Vegas in 8 days!!

And. . . I can't believe my Best friend "since before we had boobs" is finally getting married!! I'm sooo excited for her! ! ! Eeeek ♥

She informed me that she and Jim will be trying for a baby in February. Uggg... I will admit; that was a lot to swallow. She brought it up by asking me which is the best prenatal vitamin to take, I really don't like it when people beat around the bush. Just freaking say what you have to say, lol. I I truly wish them the best!!! I hope it doesn't take her long, and I hope I am able to contain all of my emotional feelings if she gets pregnant before I do. I will survive no matter what :) I'm super excited for her ♥ Maybe we'll get pregnant at the same time, that would truly be the most amazing thing ever. lol We are trying again in Feb, but she didn't ask when we were going to try again so I didn't tell her. It would have been nice of her to ask me about it, but I'm sorta getting used to people not asking me anything, but it still sucks. The plan is to keep it to ourselves, so I will stick with that. We'll let our parents know, just in case we need a support system if things go badly, but everyone else will have to wait. I think I may be more excited about the IUI in February than I am about Vegas, lol.

Endometriosis Pictures

The pictures below are from my own surgery in July 2011. I wanted to post them when I had surgery, but I never got around to it. I found them a few days back and thought I'd share for any of my Endo Ladies out there. They are kinda gross, kinda neat, kind not-so cool, but overall they are informative for others. It is interesting to see the body from inside.
* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

I was supposed to just have a cyst taken off my left ovary, they were going to "look" to see if there was any Endo. They wound up finding Stage IV Endometriosis :| Everything was stuck together, I have a ton of scar tissue, and the left side is pretty much crap-ola. I was told I have a partially frozen pelvis, meaning it's crap, crap, crap!! I'm learning to accept this :) It is the reason for my infertility, so when I'm mad at my "IF" struggles, I get mad at Endo - Errrr! !

I hope the pictures are not offensive to anyone !!

* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

Uterus in the middle, left ovary and fallopian tube covered in adhesion's - stuck to side bowl wall, ligaments and Fallopian tube on right side, ligaments covered in adhesion's. Filmy pink stretchy looking stuff is all adhesion's and scar tissue

Right Ovary with Endo on surface, small spots, adhesion's behind ovary and fallopian tube. Lot's of scar tissue, but not in the way of the tube opening, yet.

Left side view of uterus and left ovary. Black/Dark area is "blood sausage" a blood sac around my ovary, and tube opening. Lots of scar tissue/ adhesion's. everything on that side is stuck to the to the side of my intestines

On the left you see the blood sac at the bottom of my huge left ovary. On the right you see adhesion's and my right ovary with Endo spots. All the red filmy looking stuff is scar tissue and adhesion's

The Blood sac being cut away from my tube

My poor left tube free of the blood sac, but mangled and all twisted up.

The cyst within my ovary being destroyed. They could not get all of it, so it will eventually grow back into a monster. Uggg.

Dear, 2011. . .

Dear 2011, I will admit that you offered a few blessings in disguise, but overall you were unkind, unfair, and a little too tricky for me! - How rude!! I'm glad we're breaking up. I welcome 2012 with a hopeful yet cautious heart ♥ and I am ready for Blessings even if I have to fight to receive them.

I want to also wish all of my Family and Friends a blessed New Year full of Happiness, Laughter, Love, Strength, Hugs, Kisses, Smiles, and most of all - Good Health ♥

I hope you enjoy the picture of my Daisy-Doo bringing in the New Year!!

Creme de la Creme 2011

I am a member/Fan of - The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer and every year they do a Creme De la Creme list of the best blogs from the ALI (Adoption/loss/infertility) community.

This is the first year that I added one of my own blog posts to the list! It is an interesting community of woman, and I am so grateful to have found this group. The Creme De la Creme 2011 list is up! I thought I'd share it here with my Blog friends :) For those of you who've never heard of it please check it out, because you never know what you'll find over there. The one thing I can assure you of is that you are not alone in your struggle. There are many woman out there in your same boat or have been in your shoes, and made it to the other side with their sanity still somewhat intact!!

My post was number 131.

You are supposed to pick the Blog post that you feel was your best! Although I don't feel this was my best or most poetic blog post - it was the most honest post I'd made. My post was about going through the process of a miscarriage. . . I needed to get it out, so writing about it help a great deal.

Made it through in one piece!

The Holiday's are almost over and I seriously couldn't be more happy!

I managed to make it through Christmas in one piece :) There were a few moments when sadness sneaked up on me, but I didn't let it hang out for too long! I spent the time staying busy cleaning, baking, hanging out with my Pnut, and hosting a Christmas party for our Friends... I'm glad it's all coming to an end :)

The most difficult thing was probably getting a text from my friend Linda, telling me she's having a girl. Linda and I got pregnant at the same time in September. This will be her third, and she's a week ahead of where I would have been right now. . . That part makes me sad, I can't go see her either... it's just too hard for me to go around her right now. I know she understands, but it still makes me feel like a big baby. Errr. By now we would have been able to find out the sex. *sigh* Would it have been a little boy, a sweet faced girl??? We'll never know. My heart still hurts for the loss of our Little Bean. . . I catch myself daydreaming about what would have been, what it would have felt like to have a tiny human inside of me, what it would have been like to see that baby's face for the first time, to gaze upon its face and cry tears of pure joy... Ugggg. Rest in Peace little Bean - you will never leave my heart!

I must admit I've felt less angry... I have been secretly obsessing and fantasizing about February!! I'm excited to do another IUI... Ahhh it's driving my brain crazy waiting. I would do it right this very instant if I could, but time will hopefully give us the best chances of a successful conception.

We leave for Vegas in in about 2 1/2 weeks! Eeeeek!

Christmas treats for all ♥

My super sweet Pnut, and I made Christmas treats for everyone this year!!

We are saving all of our funds for Vegas and Fertility costs, so our Christmas gift to our families,were sweet yummy things!! Hanging around the house all day with my husband making yummy things was quite a lot of fun - We make a good team ♥

Pepermint Oreo Cookie Balls

Perpermint Oreo Cookie Balls = Yumminess
(and of course you must have a glass of wine to go with)

Time is moving again!

I'm completely done with my HCG monitoring. . . So no more unnecessary trips to the Fertility office *Happy Dance* Yay!! I will miss seeing them over the next few months, however I will not miss the sinking feeling I get every time I pull into that parking garage. I've cried so many times in that garage, it is not even funny.

AF finally arrived this and what a relief. It totally explains why I've felt so depressed, and crappy the last few weeks.I started Birth-Control today, Ugggg. It always makes me laugh when I have to be put on it. I mean seriously, I'm infertile, and your putting me on medication so I don't get pregnant. Hahaha. I'm only taking BC to try and keep my Endometriosis at bay until we do IUI # 2.

And. . . If all goes well we should be able to do our 2nd IUI the second week in February.

OMG!!!

I'm excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, and ready. We will not be telling anyone when we do it, it will be our secret. . . I will share the journey with my blog peep's, but that is as far as it will go. If you happen to read my blog, and you are family or a close friend ---> Keep your lips sealed and wish us luck, because we'll definitely need all the luck and sticky dust you could possibly give ♥

I hate feeling angry.

Grief is the most arduous, exhausting, gut wrenching, heartbreaking emotional work that you will most likely ever do. It takes so much energy. Know that you are strong as you cry, as you wail, as you collapse from the weight of the sorrow. Know you are strong as you face your feelings and hold onto the love that whispers through your soul. Although you don't feel brave, know that you are courageous and strong in your brokenness.

I found the above quote on my Facebook status feed today and it really hit a nerve... It really is the truth.

It has officially been a month since my hopes of motherhood completely collapsed. I cry less and less, but still have moments of tearful sadness. I find that I feel pissed off more than anything. How unfair. . . how unfair that there are no answers as to why this happened, how unfair I have to wait for another miscarriage to find out if I have lupus or Antiphospholipid syndrome, or something else. . . Or maybe next time things will go great and I'll never have to feel this type of loss again. Who knows - It all just makes me mad, I guess this is one of the stages of the grieving process. I'll be glad when this passes.

My Father In-law and I were talking through email and I said "This is a lonely type of grief to go through" and I mean it. . .

At times I feel like it never happened, as if I dreamed it all up. No one sends cards, or flowers to tell you they are sorry for you loss, most do not acknowledge what has happened because they are probably afraid to bring it up. I'm not expecting a pity party, or everyone to feel sorry for me, or even for people to feel obligated to talk to me about it. It just makes me a kind of sad that I feel so alone in this. I hate it. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I hate that there is a huge hole inside of my chest. It is painful, yet invisible to the world. I want to talk about my miscarriage, yet I feel afraid to bring it up. Even my closest friends do not really ask how I'm doing. I see them, we talk and catch up on what's going on in each others lives, we laugh, we talk about everything, except that. No one really asks "Hey how are you doing" or "Do you need to talk". . . Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It is very lonely walking down this road I'm on. I do not wish it upon anyone. I love my friends, and I know they love me with all their hearts, and in time maybe they will ask me about it; so I can share my deepest sorrow with them. It is not really okay until you cry it out with your friends, and I really haven't done that. Everything feels so heavy in my heart. . . the right time will come. Evey ones lives are busy. . . So I'm not angry at them, it is just hard sometimes, hard holding it in, and hard carrying around the weight of it. In all honestly I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, if I could just stop feeling so angry inside...

Today I had to go in for labs at the Fertility office, again :| This is hopefully the last one I'll have to do. Since the miscarriage I've had to go in once a week so they can monitor my HCG levels, and make sure they go down to 0. Last time they were at a 2, so hopefully this was my last visit.

Each time I have to go in for the labs it just reminds me of the awfulness that transpired. The awfulness that ruined my favorite month. The awfulness that breaks my heart. It brings back memories, and puts me in a crabby mood; hence the crabby post. I really hope today was the last lab. I'm currently waiting on AF, then I'm supposed to start Birth Control until we are ready to do out next IUI in hopes that my Endo doesn't go crazy. I hope the next few months pass by quickly :)

Did someone say Vegas?!?

Sooo. . . The hub's and I are flying to Vegas in January!!! OMG, Omg, omg.



In the 13 years that Josh and I have been together, we've never, ever flown on a plane together. Josh is not big on flying, and most of our trips have all been between here and Louisiana, sooo yea. . . Did I mention that we fly out on Friday the 13th??? Hahahah.

My best friend (since before we had boobs) Anna is marrying her long time boyfriend of the past 7 years! I'm so excited for her *sigh*

She will be an Amazing Bride - I can't wait!!

We are booked at Ballys which is next to the Paris Hotel and across from the Bellagio. Eeeeek!! The picture below shows where we'll be staying. . . right in the heart of Vegas ♥ *happy dance*



All I can say is. . . This is going to be a fabulous celebration of true Love, and a Great way to start off the New Year.

Neat - My first blog award!

I received my very first Blog award from----> Our Journey through this Lovely Life

Alexis - Thank You so much!
You made me smile and made my day. I feel so excited to receive this award, and to know that people actually read my ramblings - Thanks so very much!!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

* Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
* List 7 things that people may not know about you.
* Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.

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About Me


I am a natural redhead with lots of freckles
I was born in Fort Worth, Texas
I love the color Turquoise or any sort of teal/aqua shade
My favorite month is October
I am an Aries 7, with Virgo rising and a Leo Moon
I ♥ Harry Potter
My favorite comfort food is Chicken and Rice with all tha fixin's

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I have given Awards to these lovely Blogs! If I listed you here it is because I have greatly enjoyed reading your blog through the year, and secretly you have helped me on my own journey - Thank you all so much and best of luck to each of you ♥

Finding Joy in the Journey
I believe in Miracles
No Longer Broken
Trying for A Baby
Mission: Fertile Soul
Detour

On the mend!

I find myself quite amazed at how quickly the human heart begins to mend its self.

I'm beginning to feel more, and more like myself again. I will forever, and always be changed by the experience of losing a baby, but miraculously I'm still Me, and that makes me smile each day ♥

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since we learned our little Bean's heart stopped beating, and Wednesday marks 3 weeks since I had the miscarriage :| Tomorrow, I would have been 13 weeks - those are always going to be my hard days. It feels like the pregnancy was just some oddly distorted dream that I was forced to suffer through. I cried for 2 weeks straight, everyday - no lie. Today I am smiling and tear free! I have cried only a few short tears here and there. . . so - Go Me!!! I guess you could say that last week was it for me. . . I finally had to force myself to get up, out, and be active <--Easier said than done, that's for sure.

I woke up on Monday with tears still in my eyes, I felt angry at myself for still wallowing in my own self pity. I wanted to be happy no matter the cost. I dug out my yoga pants, running shoes, charged up the Itouch, and headed out the door to the rec center only to find out they were not open until 4pm that day...Errr. I felt slightly defeated, since It was a feat to just make it out of the house. So, I went back home and decided to walk laps around my neighborhood. It was a success!! I grabbed a hoodie and was on my way. The wind was blowing in my hair, the fresh air was amazing, the sun and cloudy sky played peek-a-boo and painted a very lovely backdrop for my walk! I felt like I was one with myself. . . I have not felt that in a while.



I worked Thanksgiving morning and was off work a little after 3pm. I rushed over to my Grandma's house, then met Josh at his parents house at 5pm; Mama was in town, and cooked a lovely dinner for everyone! I did not cry at all on Thanksgiving Day :) I felt strong!! Being around family was much easier this go around. We said the blessing before eating, and Bart said something about missing those that were no longer with us, no matter if their heart beat for 93 years or just a few weeks. *sigh* it was very sweet of him to acknowledge our little Bean. I've learned that everyone handles this kind thing differently - I appreciated his kind words<3

I finally painted the front living room! It's an awesome Turquoise color! I only painted 1 wall, a few pieces of random furniture, and the front Door! Ohh and also all of my frames for that room. I'd actually been thinking about doing it for a while, but then I got pregnant that put a hold on a few "house" things. I've now decided that I want to get all the house painting done by March. That's hopefully around the time we'll get to do our 2nd IUI, so I want the house done! I'm thankful for the time, because I do our bedroom, laundry room and finally paint ALL the baseboards. I will post a better picture of the living room when it's completely done! I have to say, it's going to look pretty neat! I was a little inspired by the website Pinterest :) It is really good for me to have these house projects right now, because it will make the next few months go by fast :) Heck Thanksgiving's over, Christmas is right around the corner. . . Then it's a Happy New Year, one that I'm looking forward to. To be quite honest 2011 - Sucked Ass!!