IUI & The 2ww *tapping fingers*

Soooo, Josh and I got the IUI done on Tuesday morning September 13th (Sarah's birthday) !! It was an emotional morning to say the least... even though we scrubbed the floor the day before, we were each still feeling a little tense and on edge that morning. So it was another tear filled morning of stressed emotions, hurt feelings, and overemotional-whackness, haha. I'm laughing because while we waited for his "ammunition" to be washed and counted, we sat in the waiting room of the ART's office quietly bickered back and forth. The lady behind the window closed the glass when I turned in the paperwork, I think she knew we needed a few minutes of alone time by the look on my face. It didn't even phase her, I'm sure she's seen this time and time again. Tears are streaming down my face, my nose was stopping up, and all I could think was "Good lord, I don't want them to see me like this, what if they think we can't handle this". Lucky for us no one else was in the waiting room, and by the time we were handed the "ammunition", and walked down the hall to the fertility office, I began to cease crying all together, I needed to suck it up and stop being a sap because, this was not the way I wanted to remember *The day we may or may not have gotten knocked up* - I guess either way I'll remember it. Ughhh. I hate feeling out of control, when my only response to everything is crying - I curse you Letrozole, I need you, but you are evil, very evil... hummphhh :/

Once we were in the Fertility office I started feeling better, more excited, I guess you could say. I wanted to be happy, I hated that my body was at the peak of this emotional roller-coaster, and all I could feel was craziness. Jenica was not there, which normally I would have been sad about, but since my face was all red and puffy from crying; I decided it was a good thing she wasn't there that day. Coral immediately said, "are you okay" when she saw me, I laughed, said it was a bit of an emotional morning, but that I was okay, and we were okay, just ready to get going. She's so sweet... I guess we're probably not the only "emotional" couple they've seen. I mean it is a fertility office ,and we are being pumped with drugs that cause us imbalances. Hahaha, we have nothing to worry about! (That's what I tell myself to feel better, lol) Josh and I got situated in the little room that I always seem to be in. I had to drop my drawers, and wait on the table with a little paper sheet tucked all around me, those things are never big enough. Josh just kind of sat there watching my every move, very quite, and intermittently starring at the floor. I wondered what was going through his head as he watched me tuck my panties under my neatly folded jeans, only to shove all of that under my purse, pull out a magical pair of socks, and slap them puppies on my feet faster than you could blink - My feet get really cold in those stirrups, plus my toes were looking a little rough, so it's best to just bring socks. If he understood the way's of the woman, he would have saw me as a pro that day :) Dr. Laura came in and asked if everything was okay, she knew I had been upset by my puffy face. This time Josh and I both laughed, I could feel the tension leaving our bodies, I said it sucks that I can never hide if I've been crying because, my face, and eyes stay red for at least a good 30 minutes after being tearful. We talked about my symptoms from the Letrozole, the hot-flashes, headaches and emotional craziness - She said the meds were probably working really well, since I was "feeling" so much, which made me happy... and made all of us laugh. Dr. Laura is great, she understand the emotions that we feel and she makes Josh feel just as important! In this situation men are greatly affected too, it's hard knowing how to comfort that and recognize it.

The IUI process didn't take long at all; basically it was like a long and really intense pap-smear, lot's of pressure, but completely painless. She got the ammunition/swim team ready, then asked Josh if he wanted to do the injection part! His eye's got really bright, and he said "Do I get to look", with much excitement in his voice, I felt slightly like an lab animal, lol. At the same time I was truly happy inside that he didn't hesitate to do it *sigh* - That's my Pnut! He had 2 Hands in it that day (inside joke, hehe) I stayed there on the table for a bit, then we were free to go. And...Baam!!! - Just like that we may have made a baby. *giggle* Wow... I would seriously piss myself if this works and I'm not joking... I've got a weak bladder from the Endo, hahaha.

When we left the clinic there was a certain relief that overcame both of us, it was so peaceful compared to what were feeling in the days leading up to this. The hard part was over. He could breath, and finally go home to take that nap he wanted so badly, and I could stop obsessing over whether or not I timed the LH surge right. IUI's are all about timing. Once we got home I had to do something to keep my mind from thinking too much about it. That is soo stressful and I hate obsessing. I finished painting a tree in the bathroom that I've been working on for, ohhhhh.. a few months now. Well, actually I painted the trunk part and stopped, it looked pretty ridiculous without branches. I was feeling very motivated after the IUI!! I did the tree, and also put up my painted letters in the kitchen that I'd painted the day before. It felt really nice to be crafty and to actually finish a project I had started.

I'm currently at 5-DPI (5 Days Past Insemination)!! I have to go back into the office on Tuesday to get a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. I'm pretty certain that I did... The two week mark, is the Tuesday after that, which is also Josh's Birthday. Hehehe. It makes me giggle. I've had a few "phantom" symptoms that could point to pregnancy, but in all honesty it's waaaay to early to tell. Plus my body and mind is in-tune to any slight change, so I'm noticing everything. The one symptom I'm having, but I don't always get, is the "sore nipples", I got this with my very first round of Clomid, but never had it on the other 3 rounds. I also took my vitamins this morning and they made me feel sick for about 5 minutes. I was getting ready for work when my stomach started to feel sick, and I felt like I could taste the vitamins... but then it was gone. I've been taking these vitamins for a year now and they've never made me feel that way. Ayi yi-yi - So you see, I could totally freak out on these feelings, but I can't... until I take a HPT and get a positive line, I'm not going to allow myself to obsess over every little feeling I get. It's not healthy for me because, then my body will start producing all types of symptoms just to mess with me, that is theeee worst. I've been there, done that, felt that, and don't plan to wade in that deep just yet :)

This evening we had our first rain in months, *sigh* - It has been so long in fact, that I don't even remember the last time it rained. It was a downpour, gloriously gloomy downpour, and I loved it. When I got home from work, Josh said that Teddy also looooved the rain, that it took 2 towels to dry him off :) Teddy is fitting in nicely with our little family, and starting to look like a healthy dog once again! We are so glad he found us ♥ Tomorrow night I'm going out to Celebrate my very good friend Sarah's Birthday!! We've celebrated every Birthday together since 21.. We are only 6 months apart in age and she's the older one, lol. I can't wait to go out, and be a Designated Driver!! It's so strange going out and not having a drink. I'm totally cool with it, but it's still odd sometimes, *giggle* I feel really good about this month!

Sometimes you need to scrub the floor together...

First things first - I got my LH surge today, it was a fabulously dark pink line, and a little earlier than expected! It was dark almost immediately, which made me all giddy inside *giggle*. Soooo, we are scheduled for the IUI *Turkey Basting Method* at 10am Tuesday morning. Josh has to be at the ART (Assisted Reproduction Technology) office at 8:45 to give his "swim-team" sample. I am so hopeful, and nervous all at the same time that it makes me tear up when I think about it! ♥ Most of all I feel good and ready to accept whatever way this turns out!

I stopped at Hobby Lobby today and bought wooden letter's, and paint to make something crafty for my kitchen! The pictures show's the letters on my floor,because I have not had a chance to hang them yet. If felt refreshing to be crafty :)

Now onto the last few days... In a quick summary (since I need to get to sleep soon), Josh and I had our first real infertility argument/fight/silent treatment- whatever you want to call it. It was much needed, but not fun in any way shape, or form. Let's just say that sensitivity has been at all time highs for the both of us over the last few weeks. It has obviously been more intense the last few days, lol. I had no idea this infertility stuff would affect him as much as it has. He would probably disagree about that sentence, and then again he could be right, lol. It could just be all me, but I don't think that's the case. He thinks I'm the source of all the sensitivity, hahaha. I'm probably the larger emitter of emotional instability currently, but he's riding this wave too. lol Needless to say... some things were said, feelings were hurt and disregarded on both sides, something along the lines of "You only want me for my sperm" was said; which was the wrong thing to say to a woman who's been riding a hormonal wave of craziness for the past two weeks. Ugh... I had to work that day too, I hate those kind of days. I cried all morning and then he came home with Halloween costumes for the dogs, I couldn't be mad anymore, but yet I was I was in a mood that was quite unbreakable, Oh-booooy... once again, poor Josh - And bless his soul for putting up with me. I sent him an email from work, basically freaking out about what he said, saying we shouldn't do the IUI if he felt that way I was the true meaning of a "mess" hahaha. He's right, I am crazy.

The awkward emotional tension lasted through the night and into this morning... Then I peed on my stick, got the line I've been waiting for, called the fertility office and felt my adrenalin start to move again. I went into the laundry room, grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the dog area and reorganizing. I needed to do something to keep my mind of shit. I swept, and quietly cried tears of happiness as I dreamed of this thing actually working. I'n the middle of my tear-filled fantasizing he popped his head around the corner and offered to clean the grout, I was suddenly smitten and all softhearted. He was my Pnut again, and sweet and not afraid of his crazy wife, even that made me cry. I offered to be of assistance, then we were both on the floor scrubbing on our hands and knees. We scrubbed away the anger from the days before, laughed and began to feel the intense wave of emotion subsiding ever so much. If felt great, I felt like I could breath, like we could breath together once again, and that we knew where we were in the whole scheme of things. We both needed today... exactly the way it was ♥

Day - 21

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

This one was a little difficult for me, because no matter how many things I wish to forget... I am thankful for the lessons that have been learned from each experience, good or bad. Although I wish I could forget this particular event, I would not change it because it is now a huge part of our History, and our lives have been forever changed.

Since Yesterday was the 10 year Anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on America, I will use this as my Day 21! I would say overall that a lot of people felt very tense and slightly nervous leading up to this date, and if you didn't the media made sure you did. There were reports of possible threats that might play out - I'm so glad I'm not a TV junky anymore :) I don't watch TV, but I do watch shows online, so I'm not a complete TV snob - please don't hate! We have a TV in the lobby of the Hotel at work, so I've been hearing the 9/11 *chatter* all week. I'm glad nothing happened :) That day is obviously burned into everyone's mind, kinda like the way I imagine people of the Kennedy Assassination-Generation feel. Yesterday on facebook people were posting "where they were" when they found out about the attacks. I didn't share mine but I'll share it here.

My Aunt Tina called me early and woke me up from a very deep sleep... she was screaming into the phone "they're blowing up The World Trade Center", I could barely understand her. I was dead asleep, because I'd spent most of the early morning hours (11pm Sept 10th to 2:30 am on the 11th) in the hospital with severe abdominal pains they thought it was appendicitis, but it was just an attack from Endometriosis (just didn't know it back then). Josh and I got home and fell asleep around 3:30am...
I literally jumped out of the bed with my Aunt on the phone and ran to the living room to turn the TV on, Josh was still dead asleep. I turned on the TV just in time to see the second plane hit. My heart stopped for just a moment, I was frozen, sick to my stomach, then I ran into the room to wake Josh up; there was fear in my voice. We sat on the floor, in front of the TV in silence, I had tears in my eyes, I felt fear and instant heartache. I will never forget that feeling... the feeling of "what's going to happen now". We were in disbelief... so many lives were lost in that one day :/ It is still such a sad thing to remember.

Day - 20

Since my inner self is starting to wake back up... I decided that I would finally finish my 30 day photo challenge! I was looking through my photo albums online and realized that I completely stopped back in May, when I found out about my ovarian cyst. I guess I was just down in the dumps. Well, not anymore! I'm back and and ready to finish what I started.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel



I found this awesome picture on - www.pinterest.com - my new favorite addiction!!

Europe is where I'd like to go!! I don't know exactly why; I've been drawn to it all my life for some reason. Maybe it's because of my Irish/Welsh heritage, who knows! I would also love to see South America and southern Mexico; mainly for the Mayan ruins and ancient temples. Europe is a place I have secretly wished to live for a long time inside my little fantasy world hahaha. And, I'm not talking going to London, or Paris; I mean sure they would be great to see, but I want to see Europe! I want to taste and feel the culture in a way that TV and Movies can't provide. America is amazing and I haven't even seen half of her beautiful sights, but I have my whole life to see America, lol *sigh* Someday Josh and I will go - for sure!

Almost there :)

Spotting is no more, emotional whackness is subsiding, finally got a much needed day off, and I'm feeling really great about this cycle ♥

CD 10 - Eeek!

Letrozole = Emotional whackness

Okay, today I would like to officially say that - Letrozole makes me way more emotional than Clomid ever did. I mean I. was. emotional. It is just not the same type of emotional feeling, haha. I have a bit of anger mixed with this stuff. Ay yi-yi :/ The hormones are just pulsing through my body like craziness, I can feel it as I type. (yes, I know... soo very dramatic, lol)

***TMI*** coming in the next paragraph.

Prepare yourself, stop reading or just get over it.

I'm on CD 9, my period should have stopped days ago, yet I continue to spot. Errr. I'm worried the lining of my uterus is dwindling down to nothingness, or will be nothing in a few days if I keep at it. Humphf. *arms crossed and toe stomping* It's nothing heavy just light, pink, and annoying. If it were dark I wouldn't mind because that would be old blood; I don't have serious hard core cramps... just a dull achy feeling so!?!!...ahhhh I give up. It's frustrating me. I was just online for the last hour obsessing over Google with searches such as "Letroloze & longer periods" and "Letrozole & breakthrough bleeding". I hate when I get all paranoid. I found that many women have had this side effect, ugh.. Just one more thing. blah!

I called the Fertility office today and spoke with Coral, she called me this evening after having talked with Dr. Laura, and said to call back in the morning if I'm still spotting. Dr. Laura may schedule another ultrasound before ovulation to check things out and find out what's going on. She said it could be an "an-ovulatory cycle" meaning I didn't produce enough estrogen. Who really knows. Or, maybe the mysterious "Endometrioma vs. Blocked tube" thing is being bad and acting up. Errr, I hate not knowing things.

After my hour of googling things; I do actually feel a bit better, and really feel it's just my body getting used to the meds. I hope I don't have to go in for another ultrasound. The less money spent the better! I've always been able to ovulate on my own, so taking drugs to boost ovulation is odd and sometimes questionable in the back of my mind. Yet, at the same time I want the best chance I can get... it just sucks what the drugs do to your body, heart and mind.

Cheers to a spot-free tomorrow ♥

First IUI = Excitment & Hope

Tonight we grilled steaks and potatoes on the back patio, and enjoyed the amazing weather! Well, Josh did all the grilling and I did the inside stuff ♥ That's teamwork Baby. This is our celebration of Labor day, I guess...even thought we both worked the entire weekend. He got lucky and was off today! He called me this morning with excitement in his voice that the weather changed over night! He also opened up all the doors and windows and when I got home it was such a refreshing feeling, the house smelled fresh and the sound of rustling leaves from the backyard soothed me at the core.

It was a really loooong weekend, and *sigh* it's not even over yet. Ugh... well technically it is, but in my world of weird schedules, my weekend hasn't arrived yet and wont start until Thursday. Boooo!

I had plans this weekend that did not go as expected. Errr... Don't-cha hate it when that happens!?! One of my employee's got pulled over and put in jail Friday night. So had to cover the shifts. It was frustrating at first, but I got over it as the day progressed. I worked an 11 hour shift Sat, a 10 hour shift Sun, and I went back at 8-ish this morning. Bleh *whining, pouting, and stomping feet* - I'm beat and ready for a day of relaxation :)

I don't think it would have been that bad if I had not started taking hormones this week lol. I wanted to post earlier last week about starting the IUI process this month!! But I got so busy with work that I've been holding onto it for days.

I went in Thursday afternoon for my Baseline U/S (ultrasound), and got the green light to start taking Letrozole for our first IUI attempt - 2 pills on days 3-7. I got to see my ovaries, and they had plenty of baby eggs (follicles) ready to grow; seeing that brought a few tears to my eyes. My left ovary even had eggs *shocking*. Dr. Laura said my left ovary looks good after surgery however; she said I possibly have another Endometrioma located at the top of my ovary or it's my fallopian tube blocked up again. It was hard to tell on the ultrasound, but she said we could go ahead and move forward without concern unless I started to have pain.I did a little *happy dance* in my mind and in the elevator on my way out of the building, hahaha. I hope the tube is blocked! Most people probably think I'm a bit crazy for that one, but let me explain... Right now I'm considered a "high-risk" for a pregnancy outside of the uterus otherwise known as an ectopic pregnancy; so if the tube is blocked I have a lower chance fertilizing anything from that side. So yes, I hope that it's a blocked tube vs. an Endometrioma. I already know the left side is pretty much crap...so I'm not too upset about that. Today I gulped down the last two Letrozole pills in hopes that my eggs were growing nice and plump :)

The side effects of my new drug have been about the same as Clomid! I have not experienced blurry vision like I did for those 4 months, but I've had hot-flashes (slightly less intense), headaches and I have been rather tearful... Ahummm - actually it's been more like *pretty emotional* in a laughing/crying at the same time kinda way, lol. I cried on the way home from my fertility clinic, but those were tears of overwhelming excitement, joy and hope. I've contained my crazy infertile hormones as best as I can through this crazy week/weekend, but last night after getting off work I had a bit of a breakdown. I got off around 11 and had to be back early. So, I really had no time to wind down and let the day fall off my shoulders :/ When Pnut and I got up to go to bed I was instantly in the crappiest mood and turned into a big ol sissy-baby. I told him I was sorry for being such a drag, being in such a horrible mood; that it really had nothing to do with him and then I burst into tears. Poor Pnut, he just kinda sat there all quiet...like "ummmm, Did I do something and if so what do I do now"? I got up and went into the living room, he hadn't done anything, but for whatever reason I just needed to be alone with myself so I could cry with no questions asked; plus I didn't want to keep him awake with my sobbing in bed. Hahaha - lol... We can laugh about it today, so that's a good thing!! I sat in the dark and cried for at least 25 minutes, maybe longer. I would cry and stop, cry, and stop... and cry some more. Good grief I was a mess... I'm glad that's over! How did I get over it you ask!?!

While rushing out the door for work this morning I got hit in the face by a cool and crisp breeze, and temperatures in the low 70's possibly even 68 or 69 (I never checked the actual temp). It was a big fat taste of Fall, and I was a happy girl after that!

It was an amazing way to feel after such a depressing night of feeling in the dumps, lol. And, oooooh how much I needed that today. It drastically changed my mood! A part of me that has been suffocated by this heavy Summer... I was finally able to breathe. It reminded my brain, my internal sense of being and self - that things are not as stagnant as they've seemed lately. All things change. Just knowing there is an end in sight to this unforgettable Summer; feels like waiting for cookies in the oven to ding! My intense, hormone induced mood swing from last night was gone. It was replaced with wondrous thoughts of leaves crunching beneath my feet, early evening sunsets, crisp air that lets me see my breath, and cooler temperatures. Ahhhhhh...and Halloween :) I love the way a changing season puts me back on track, balances out my thoughts and mind, blows away the dust from my path ahead, and most of all... I love how it reawakens my soul. I don't know quite how to explain the way I feel when the season begins to change, but I can say that there is just something so beautiful about the whole process.

That first taste of fall triggers something instinctual inside of me - I ♥ it!

Happy Labor Day to all

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Hahahha!! I'm totally laughing at my post title...

Well I'm on cycle day 32 and AF, has yet to show her face. Hummm... I have been feeling a bit crampy off and on for the last week and a half. I bought a two pack of pg-tests and peed on one the other morning, it didn't even phase me when I got the BFN and then I peed on the last one this morning and of course it was a BFN. Nada, zilch, squat... nothing. I even went back and dug through the wastebasket to look at the test again... thinking a magical line would just somehow appear as I was feeling low while getting ready for work. It never showed up *beeeep*, oh-well guess we won't be having that May baby after all :/ I didn't feel as defeated as I normally do, maybe it's because we're getting ready for the IUI soon. At least if AF would ever show up, ugh! It's always when you're really waiting for it, that it chooses to screw with you and make you wait. Ahhhhhh

I met up with a dear friend on my day off
and we ventured out into the heat to feed the ducks! It was tons of fun and even though we were out in the heat of the day the ducks were quite pleased to see us. We stopped by to feed store and picked up some hen-scratch, wheat and oats... they wen't nuts over that stuff, much better than bread. We went to a small pond area and found a few, then traveled down to Bear creek and found a bunch!! All different kinds and they too, were excited and stayed with us until we left, and let me tell you, they managed to get every last grain that was on the ground, hehe.

The last few weeks have been pretty good and actually much better than the last few months. Fall is slowly approaching and I'm starting to feel an internal relief that soon we won't be baking in 100+ degree weather. I'm ready for storms and rain and leaves and colors of the fall *sigh* - I can't wait. We had some really awesome clouds the other day, so I snapped a few pics on my way home. I was in love and mesmerized by the beauty and how the sun rays were peaking out from the bit puffy clouds...so pretty. I finally got back to a normal sleeping schedule after covering the night audit shift for one of my employees. It was not too bad, but trying to get back on a schedule was a bitch to say the least. I barley got to see the hubb's and it was during (O-Time) so I was a bit stressed on trying to make good timing, because I def ovulated :) Trying on our own this month has brought back the excitement of this whole experience and has reminded me of why we started all this in the first place. The last several months of not TTC has been slow, long and boring - bleh...lol. You tend to get lost, kind of defeated and somewhat forgetful when you're not actively trying for something. I'd lost most of my excitement and tried not to think much about it, but now that the IUI is right around the corner; I'm once again super excited to get this show on the road. My fingers are crossed and hoping that we don't run into any more unexpected issues *fingers crossed*.

I finally painted my kitchen!!! It's super cute, my pictures don't really do it justice since it's from an itouch, but it's fabulous and every time I walk in, I get a little grin on my face knowing I did it all myself. I painted an accent wall in Tree-house Green and the remaining walls in Sunset Yellow. I. Love. It. The house is really starting to have it's own character! I've spent the last few days rearranging the front living room and I'm trying to decide what colors to paint in there. I want something bright, but I'm just not sure yet.

I learned how to make a sock-bun - Thanks to Mary (a bloggy friend). She sent me an awesome how-to video, it took just a few tries and I had it down. It has been sooo freaking hot that leaving my hair down is just not an option, plus it's just stupid and crazy. Being outside for 5 minutes makes me sweat and then my hair is a mess :/ So a bun is the best option for this Texas Summer heat wave that's still kicking our asses. I really wish we could have gotten some rain from Hurricane Irene... but she hit up the east coast, so we won't be seeing any of that rain, at least not until next weekend *yay*. I looked at the forecast and saw that we had a small chance for Labor Day weekend and I almost peed myself, hahaha. And how sad that I'm super excited for it to get cooler, as in around 99 instead of 107, ugh! Any-who, the sock-bun is elegant and so it's perfect for work. Josh told me I looked like a Russian hahaha.

I hope everyone has a great week!!

Teddy -The stray that became ours :)

So first of all let me say... When we got our sweet Daisy a few years back (our second dog) Josh said no more. Then last year Mr. Scruffy came along and we just could not resist, again... Josh said no more. Well now we have added another dog to our little Bernard Family. This one has a sweet story and there will be NO MORE additions after this, unless it's a sweet Bernard Baby (hehehe). 4 Dogs, a loud-mouthed cat and a fish... is plenty.



One morning last week Josh told me that there was a stray dog hanging out behind the house and that it had been back there for a few days.(keep in mind it's been over 100 all week) We live on a creek so there is a bunch of trees behind us and no houses, I know... it's great! I said to Josh "Maybe we should give it some food" to which he replies "I already did and water" I was kind of shocked, but then again he does have a soft spot for dogs. I went outside with Josh to see Teddy and give him more food, he was so skinny and emaciated that my heart instantly sank. As we walked up to the fence he started wagging his tail, scrunching up his nose and showing us his teeth; not in a scary way, but in a way that seemed as though he was very happy to have food, water and human contact. Each morning Josh would get up and take him food and water, then one day Jen came over so we took her outside to see him. We were outside petting him over the fence for a good 10 min and then we went back inside the house, not even 10 minutes later I looked outside and he was sitting on out back porch. I yelled at Josh to come see, and he immediately looked at me and said "Did you put him back there"? I laughed and said "Absolutely not". We went out to greet him and he was so excited, we found the hole later that evening and Josh covered it. Since he decided to dig his way into our backyard and he's done well with the other dogs, we've decided to keep him :) I need to take him to a vet soon to get him shots and make sure he doesn't have heart worms or anything... But he's definitely apart of our family now and I'm excited to have him with us. Every morning when I wake up I head outside to check on him and each time I am greeted with his silly smile and wagging tail... We've brought him in the house a few times and showed him how to use the dog door, but he has yet to come in on his own. We think whom ever had him really didn't take very good care of him and possibly never allowed him to go inside, poor guy - He's a bit of a scardy-cat lol It's also our first medium sized dog... we've been a hybrid chihuahua family for a while now

Welcome to the Family, Teddy!!

Houston: We have Ovulation!!

Well, we had 40 days of 100+ temperatures and didn't break the 42 day record that was made in 1980. Bummer. lol I know what your thinking! Why would I want this heat to continue?!? Well, since we did get to 40 days I was kinda hoping we'd make it to 43 days so that we could always think back and go "Remember in 2011, when we were living in hell" hahaha. But noooo, we had to break it for a day and now we're right back where we started, Ugh. I'm sure I've said this many times already...but I'm sooo over this summer it's not even laughable *serious face*


We did get a bit of rain on Saturday *ahhhh* and it stayed cloudy most of the day, which was quite refreshing. Friday as I was leaving the house to head over to a friends and when I walked outside and the sky was full of dark, fast moving and ominous looking clouds! I was mesmerized and pinning for the fall weather to blow in sooner rather than later hehe. I was almost stopped dead in my tracks. All summer we've had clear blue sky's with little escape from the sun... So walking out to a sky painted in hues of dark blues and grays was the highlight of my day! I stood outside taking many photo's hoping and crossing my fingers it would rain, but to no avail, it waited till Saturday and then got really, really muggy. It's now Sunday-Funday and well.. it's hotter than a mo-fo out there. Even though it was only one day of cloudiness, I am thoroughly excited for fall come back around. Our cloudy day was a sweet preview and a big tease all a the same time :)

On a fertility note - We are trying on our own this month, the old-fashioned way lol. I was kind of worried that with being on Birth Control for the last several months, that my cycle may take a bit longer to get back to normal. Much to my surprise it's been pretty normal! I definitely ovulated or am about to ovulate; well according to my ovulation strips I am or have :) Let's hope I ovulated from the right side and not the left since it's so crapified <---- Yes I know, that is totally a made up word :/ It has officially been a month since my Lap surgery and overall I feel great! I am disappointed to say I feel that the cyst from my left ovary is already starting to grow back *sad face*. Over this month I've had some menstrual & back aches that I really never had in the past or at least not recently. I'm sure it's just the healing process, but sometimes when I sit down I can feel pressure which makes me sit down slowly, and when the hub's and I get frisky, I can feel that side is very tender again. Errrr. It's not nearly as bad as it was, but I just hope that it doesn't grow back too fast. Our window of opportunity is small eeeek!

I'm starting to feel a little more excited each day, I was super excited when I got the dark pink line indicating that ovulation was fast approaching :) Funny I should say that because yesterday Josh said something along the lines of "when we have a son, we're going to name him" and then I said... in the calmest and most un-sarcastic voice..."We're probably never going to have kids babe". He looked up at me with a bit of surprise/shock in his eyes and voice then proceeded to tell me that if I think negativity like that, then our results will be just as negative. I wasn't in a bad mood or feeling depressed, I was just very neutral about it and didn't want to sound like I was getting my hopes up for anything. I have been feeling that a lot lately... thinking that this is all just a waste of time, but I'm finding it easier to deal with the "if" we never have children aspect of things, which is why I think it was so easy for me to say that. When he told me not to be negative, He actually said it in a more charismatic way, and it took me by surprise a little bit. It felt so good, watching his reaction because it was not the reaction on a man being forced to procreate, it was the reaction of a man who want's to build a family in what ever way we can. I told him that I wasn't trying to sound negative but that I was preparing my mind for the worst. His unpredictable reaction let me know that he want's this too, and doesn't want me to feel like it's impossible. It was a refreshing feeling that I got from him... I think I really needed that! I guess even though he doesn't talk about the issue as much as I do, it is still inside of him and just as raw for him as it is for me. Together we push forward :)

Wish us luck on our 2WW!! For those who don't know the "2WW" translates into our "Two week wait" the time from ovulation to the dreaded BFN or the shocking BFP!! My fingers, toes and anythings else that can be crossed, are crossed.

Have a Great week!!

Our Little Family

The Redhead & Her Pnut




Our Furrbabies


Roxy


Daisy


Scruffy



Bloomburg

You have an Angry Fallopian tube...

Goodness me...It was 11o degrees outside today!

We are being baked alive each and every day :/ The grass in my yard died weeks ago and crunches under my feet, my plants are hanging on by a thread and today we hit 32 consecutive days of 100+ temperatures. It's freaking hot everywhere!! Almost all of the United States is being tortured by a tremendous heat wave. Uggggg.

July is officially over, August is here and we are a tiny bit closer to fall weather. I've already noticed the day's are starting to darken sooner. July was busy, hot and very long. I had surgery on the 13th and I finally had my post-op follow up appointment last week. It was informative to say the least. I learned that my Endometriosis is severe... meaning Stage 4. She sent off tissues samples and it all came back as Endometriosis. My ovarian cancer test was negative - *Thank the Gods*. As Dr. Laura went over the Lap pictures she pointed out what I thought was part of the cyst but in fact it was my fallopian tube all curled up and extremely swollen, she said it was an *Angry* fallopian tube :/ It may seem silly but that's what I like about her so much. Even thought my tube is a piece of crap that should be ripped out, she expressed it in a humorous way that made me smile... it sucks to get bad news but it's always easier with someone who understands human emotions. She doesn't over do it but she really get's the point across gently.

I asked her if an egg could get through the tube and she said - "The left tube is open, however... since it's curled up and swollen, you have a very high chance of having and ectopic pregnancy on that side". Dr. Laura also said "With that being said you may want to discuss this information with your family and make sure that you are prepared to deal with something like that".

Example - If we do the IUI, and each of my ovaries releases and egg, one gets fertilized and makes to to my uterus, the other gets fertilized and gets stuck in my tube, I then have a very high chance to lose it all, because I'd have to have surgery to remove the ectopic, which could damage the growing egg/fetus that makes it to the right spot. We just have to be prepared for anything to happen.

For the most part I felt good about the appointment, although deep inside I felt that she was slightly hinting at IVF or maybe I was just feeling low and pessimistic and felt that because I subconsciously was feeling like that was our only option. She said that there was no reason to go straight there. Dr. Laura feels that we do have a good chance with IUI considering they did just go in and clean up badly diseased areas. My fingers are crossed that I produce good eggs :)

Even thought I felt good about the appointment overall I was really angry and pissed off when I left the office that day. I knew it was bad, but I honestly didn't think it would be stage 4. I felt hopeless, sad, angry, pissed, like I needed to drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Goose and defeated. I needed to sleep on it, let those words "Stage 4 Endometrisos" really sink in. I now realize just serious my painful periods are, I'm angry that they are not "regular" periods, like so many frustrated women are told while waiting to be diagnosed with this disease. It is labeled as and Immune disorder. My obsesive research has reached new highs hahaha. I have been digging deep and finding many interesting things about Endo and it makes me feel like in some small way I'm taking control.

Dr. Laura said we could try a few IUI with Letrozole, Clomid messed with my vision too much. If I don't produce enough eggs we can move to IUI with Injectables, which would make me produce more eggs than the Letrozole and if that doesn't work we would need to move to IVF. I've always told myself that I didn't want to go the route of IVF. It's so emotional, horrid side affects, extremely expensive and I just don't know if I'm willing to put myself and Pnut through all that. I asked Dr. Laura what an average estimate would be and she said about 12,000. at least. I felt my heart sink a little. So for right now I think we'll probably try up to 3 cycles and go back to trying on our own.

I've been doing tons of research on diets for Endometriosis and found some positive info... It's intense though. I mean Seriously... no red meat, no dairy, no gluten. I'm willing to do it but I'm so overwhelmed by all the info that I really have no idea where to start. I would love to do things in a natural way if it will help. If a million dollars lands in my lap I might think about IVF but for now I believe 3 cycles of IUI will be a good shot!

We are set to do our first IUI in September :) I stopped taking birth-control the day I had my follow up, it was my last pill, perfect timing! Dr. Laura said that we'll wait and let me have a normal period and start the IUI process at the beginning of my next cycle. We got the go-ahead to resume sex!!! Hahaha Pnut was very happy to hear that :) And...even thought we are not doing the IUI this month, we are still going to try it the good old fashioned way! I'm starting to get excited about the IUI, it's been a long wait and I pray that this is our miracle..please, please, please with sugar on top, let this be our year.

In anticipation of possibly doing the IUI this month I went ahead and bought my monthly supply of Ovulation strips, I'm going to to use them this month to time with our good Ole'fashioned baby-making methods. I find it slightly funny because last year when we started our first month of Clomid it was in September. A whole year will have passed dealing with all this infertility junk, I mean yes, we spent over 5 years of trying before seeing an RE, but this year has been way more emotional than those 5 years of not really knowing what the heck was going on. I'm ready for it to come to an end and let us be on our way to the next chapter of our lives...is that too much to ask for? I don't think so :)

My baby making equipment sucks - Surgery Update

It's 5 days after surgery and I am now able to sit at the computer without feeling uncomfortable, for the most part lol. I'm still moving around at old lady speed but getting better each day. I've been a couch potato, watched lots of day time TV, I've become addicted to "The Talk", court TV shows and I've had entirely too much time to think, haha. I also got to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows part 2... and it was totally worth all the crap I've endured this week :)

Surgery was on Wednesday the 13th at 7:30am. The day before surgery I spent the afternoon getting cozy with the toilet and I couldn't eat any solid foods. I had to do a bowel prep *lucky me* and I had to drink phosphasoda <---- YUCK!!! The most disgusting crap I've ever ingested into my body. Seriously... it was so nasty I almost threw it up both times. Yes, I had to drink two bottles of that crap. Needless to say, Wed morning I was starving and very ready to get everything over with. I got signed in at 6am, got into my little room, stripped down and got snuggled up into a lovely and fashionable medical gown topped with fancy blue hair net hahah. Once they put my IV in, they let Josh come back and sit with me. Thankfully we got to hang out with one another until it was time for surgery. I saw the anesthesiologist, he asked me if I'd ever had any complications, so I told him that last time I had surgery in 2009 I woke up. He said being a redhead will do that. Hahaha. Most redheaded people require more anesthesia to be kept asleep. It has something to do with a chromosome we have that changes our receptive ability. It was kind of a complicated explanation but it made sense to me. Dr. Laura came in right after the anesthesiologist, all dressed in her scrubs, she's such a tiny little thing and I always see her dressed up with her white Dr's coat, so I felt relieved knowing she would be the one doing most of the work and she looked confident in her scrubs haha...I just felt a lot better seeing her before! Dr. Laura was her usual funny yet professional self and went over all the details once again, which made me feel really good. Once they started plugging stuff into my IV I don't remember much else. I do remember the medication hitting me and me looking over at Josh saying, "I think I feel this". That was it. I don't remember anything else except waking up with Josh sitting right next to me with his ipod in my face. I was in my little recovery room under about a hundred blankets and here sits my husband with his ipod pointed directly at my face asking me the secret code word. LOL I didn't know it, but it's an inside joke between the two of us :) He was hoping to catch crazy red-head wife ramblings, but all he got was a sour face and a sick wife who could barely keep her peepers open. I was in surgery for 3 1/2 hours!! So when I woke up, I was really nauseous... I stared waking up more I threw up a bunch of times in recovery, and all I remember is shaking all over each time I threw up, because it hurt to roll over, to sit up, to cough, it just hurt to use my stomach muscles :/ It took me a while to wake up enough to eat a cracker and have some water, hahaha, but that only made me sicker. Josh and the nurse kept trying to get me to sit up more so I'd wake up, but I looked up at Josh and said in my most pathetic voice "can we just go?". Josh looked at my nurse and told her, "she is probably as good as she was going to be, so we might as well head home soon". I followed with a "please can I we just go". I was so sick and all I wanted to do was lay in my bed. Before I knew it, Josh was dressing me hahaha. I don't know why, but thinking back on it, well... it's kinda cute. I know he really loves me when he can dress me when I'm half conscious. He got me dressed, the nurse got me in the wheelchair and he was off to pull the car up. Being wheeled outside was nice, it was so hot outside (102) and I was so cold that it made me feel like I was wrapped in a giant heating blanket! I curled up in the front with the seat all the way down, Josh strapped me in and rubbed my back as he drove me home. Once inside he got me to the bedroom where I immediately passed out. Once I was finally awake enough to eat, Josh got me some mashed potatoes and I was a happy girl after that :) That evening Josh gave me a "soft" rundown of what went on in surgery, then he pulled out the pictures. LOL yes, there are 3 pages if pictures of my insides... totally wasn't expecting that, but I was really glad to be able to see everything. It was not pretty... I could not put them down, I could not believe what I was seeing. It was like world war III went off in my baby making oven :/ The left side is the worst. The ovary and fallopian tube were rolled up together in an adhesion and scar tissue. You could see the right ovary but not the left at all, it was underneath everything, the cyst was big, and gross :/ I had bowel stuck to the adhesion's and all of that, was stuck to the side of my uterus and bottom of my abdominal wall. The cyst grew a lot bigger since May. Because my ovaries are stuck in place and the cyst was at the bottom of my ovary it was really hard to get to. While removing the cyst it broke and all of this dark chocolaty fluid came out, they cleaned up all the fluid as best as they could and she had to leave behind part of the cyst wall. Dr. Laura called me Thursday morning and explained everything to me, which was totally unexpected. I'm not used to having a Dr. who is so personal and informative and who calls you personally after surgery. She said that it took at least an hour to get the cyst out and cleaned up, they had to leave part of it behind because it was so deep into my ovary that if she had gone any further she would have open my ovary and I would have lost valuable eggs, so she didn't want to damage it further. I had a ton of scar tissue, the right ovary and fallopian tube have adhesion's and Endo, just not as bad as the left, she burned off the Endo that she could. She did not cut the adhesion's on the right because they would have started growing back and attached to different parts of my insides, and since that was the better side, she didn't want to mess with anything that might cause me problems down the line. She did cut adhesion's on the left, because everything was so freaking stuck together :/ Like I said... it's not pretty, and it's not going away. When she called Thursday morning she basically said "You should try right away, because it's just going to grow back and we have better luck for the next few months". I go back to work on the 27th and I have my follow up appointment on the 28th... I'm guessing we'll do another scan to see how it all looks, and to determine if the cyst has already started to grow back. She said we could go ahead and try a few IUI-treatments, with Letrazole, and possibly in-jectables. She did inform me that a lot of times, women with bad endo will need IVF. Basically... if we do a few IUI's and it doesn't work then most likely our only other option would be IVF :/ We're not there yet obviously, so I shouldn't be upset and freaked out, but it's easier said then done. I hate Endometriosis... I wish there was a magical cure and I wish fertility stuff didn't cost so much. It is so much to think about and hurts my brain lol. Overall surgery was a success, since I did not lose my ovary and only lost part of my fallopian tube... I'm relieved that surgery is over, I'm glad to finally know how bad my Endo is, and I'm sad that this is the reason we've not been able to have a family. I'm worried that there is just too much scarring, I know that I still need to have faith and hope, but today I feel defeated. I already feel like the IUI's will be failures, wastes of money and slaps in the face. I need to do some more research... I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but the truthful reality is this "My baby making equipment sucks ass" and there's no sugar coating it. I am having thoughts of not even wanting to try the IUI's, should we just try on our own.... Ahhhhhhhhhh I feel lost now, and completely unsure of what I truly want to do. I've been laid up on the couch with nothing to do but think and think...and think. I know once I get up and moving more that I'll start to feel better... but good Lord I hate the way I feel right now. Dr. Laura said - "When you do finally have babies, after you're done you may want to have your OBGYN take out all the bad stuff, because it's never going to go away". I have very mixed emotions right now. I don't know if I need to cry, scream, pout or what... I just know that there is a small part of me that's very sad inside... maybe even a little broken. I haven't really shared that with Josh or anyone else, I've pretty much kept that to myself. I don't want to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself or need pity, because I don't. But I do have the right to feel sad and angry at my body for not doing what the hell it's meant to do... I need my time to feel this out... time to sort out my emotions, if ya know what I mean.

Helllloooh July :)

Goodbye June and Hellllooo July... I've been patiently waiting for you, for what seems like forever :)

I painted my back living room this week! I painted 3 walls with Cadet Blue and an accent wall in Burnt Chilly Pepper. I need to do one more coat of the orange and then I'm good to go. Well.. actually I need to do the trim but that can wait a bit. I still can't believe it has taken me almost two years to finally paint hahaha. The next room will be the kitchen. I'm thinking maybe an olive green or mustard yellow. Humm -well see how that goes.



I am excited to say that I will be able to celebrate the 4th of July with my friends and family!! I haven't had the 4th off in several, several years. I have to work the morning shift from 7am-3pm, but after I get off Sarah and I are headed to the lake for a few hours, then we'll head back to my house for burgers on the grille and then we'll all go down to the old football stadium to watch the fireworks! I'm super excited :)

Surgery is 12 days away. Eeek! I have been so anxious for this date to finally get here and of course... now I'm all sorts of nervous about it. Hahahha - Figures! I'm ready don't get me wrong...but just hoping that everything goes well and I get to keep my ovary...I'm a little fond of if, if I do say so myself. lol

This week was an emotional one to say the least... My brother, as some of you know, has been struggling with a serious drug addiction for several years. He had a son who he only has visitation with. He recently was sober for about 8 months and about 3-4 weeks ago he fell off the wagon and hasn't been able to get back on track since. I felt so bad for him because he was working hard, sober and genuinely trying hard to take care of things. He was unable to attain the amount of money to pay for a lawyer upfront so after several months Josh and I helped him get a lawyer so that he can get back custody of his child. Now he won't be able to pass a single drug test when he goes back to court and will probably lose his parental rights to Arthur. He was doing soo well. I think my brother fears getting him back because he doesn't think he will be able to provide for him in the right way. He is sabotaging his self and his chance to be a father. It was a waste of money and It breaks my heart every time... and it pisses me off beyond anything. I love my brother with all my heart, but enough is enough. I wish I knew what to do but I know deep down that there is really nothing I can do for him, that he has to do it for his self and his son.

Many people have asked "Why don't you take him"?!? I would love too, however, I haven't had custody of him this whole time, as a not so nice Lawyer said to me over the phone. I already gave my brother money for a lawyer, which means I'd have to come up with more money to get a lawyer for myself in order to petition for custody. We are already dealing with our own financial stuff when it comes to infertility costs. He is 2 almost 3 and has only seen me a handful of times. I'm not about to rip him away from the only mother he has really known for the past several years. He knows Teresa and loves her but you can tell that when he gets hurt or scared he goes to Judy (friend of family with custody of Arthur currently) I just wont do it!! It would be so selfish of me to just expect to get him since we are blood related and it wouldn't be emotionally healthy for him. If I did take Arthur, my brother would always hold that against me and I can't deal with the stress it would cause with my family. They already expect so much of me, and then If I were to take Arthur, they would expect me to be over there every other day with him and that's now how my life works... It probably seems very selfish to some people that I have all these excuses but you'd have to know the whole story to understand my decisions. I love my nephew and if Judy came to me one day and said she just couldn't do it anymore then I would jump on that in a heartbeat and take him in... I wouldn't let him go into foster care but right now he is with a loving family that has his happiness as a top priority and that means more than anything just to know he is in a safe and loving environment. It's more than my brother is able to offer him. I pray to the Gods that he finds peace within his soul and that he is one day able to understand his purpose in this life. It is sad to watch someone you have known all your life, completely break down. Sometimes I feel guilty at where I am in my life because I have my crap together and he doesn't. I know it's not my fault.. and I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult sometimes. I think it is more sad then anything really. I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sad for his soul because he must really have some awful stuff going on in his head to be this self destructive.

Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Birthday America!!