You have an Angry Fallopian tube...

Goodness me...It was 11o degrees outside today!

We are being baked alive each and every day :/ The grass in my yard died weeks ago and crunches under my feet, my plants are hanging on by a thread and today we hit 32 consecutive days of 100+ temperatures. It's freaking hot everywhere!! Almost all of the United States is being tortured by a tremendous heat wave. Uggggg.

July is officially over, August is here and we are a tiny bit closer to fall weather. I've already noticed the day's are starting to darken sooner. July was busy, hot and very long. I had surgery on the 13th and I finally had my post-op follow up appointment last week. It was informative to say the least. I learned that my Endometriosis is severe... meaning Stage 4. She sent off tissues samples and it all came back as Endometriosis. My ovarian cancer test was negative - *Thank the Gods*. As Dr. Laura went over the Lap pictures she pointed out what I thought was part of the cyst but in fact it was my fallopian tube all curled up and extremely swollen, she said it was an *Angry* fallopian tube :/ It may seem silly but that's what I like about her so much. Even thought my tube is a piece of crap that should be ripped out, she expressed it in a humorous way that made me smile... it sucks to get bad news but it's always easier with someone who understands human emotions. She doesn't over do it but she really get's the point across gently.

I asked her if an egg could get through the tube and she said - "The left tube is open, however... since it's curled up and swollen, you have a very high chance of having and ectopic pregnancy on that side". Dr. Laura also said "With that being said you may want to discuss this information with your family and make sure that you are prepared to deal with something like that".

Example - If we do the IUI, and each of my ovaries releases and egg, one gets fertilized and makes to to my uterus, the other gets fertilized and gets stuck in my tube, I then have a very high chance to lose it all, because I'd have to have surgery to remove the ectopic, which could damage the growing egg/fetus that makes it to the right spot. We just have to be prepared for anything to happen.

For the most part I felt good about the appointment, although deep inside I felt that she was slightly hinting at IVF or maybe I was just feeling low and pessimistic and felt that because I subconsciously was feeling like that was our only option. She said that there was no reason to go straight there. Dr. Laura feels that we do have a good chance with IUI considering they did just go in and clean up badly diseased areas. My fingers are crossed that I produce good eggs :)

Even thought I felt good about the appointment overall I was really angry and pissed off when I left the office that day. I knew it was bad, but I honestly didn't think it would be stage 4. I felt hopeless, sad, angry, pissed, like I needed to drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Goose and defeated. I needed to sleep on it, let those words "Stage 4 Endometrisos" really sink in. I now realize just serious my painful periods are, I'm angry that they are not "regular" periods, like so many frustrated women are told while waiting to be diagnosed with this disease. It is labeled as and Immune disorder. My obsesive research has reached new highs hahaha. I have been digging deep and finding many interesting things about Endo and it makes me feel like in some small way I'm taking control.

Dr. Laura said we could try a few IUI with Letrozole, Clomid messed with my vision too much. If I don't produce enough eggs we can move to IUI with Injectables, which would make me produce more eggs than the Letrozole and if that doesn't work we would need to move to IVF. I've always told myself that I didn't want to go the route of IVF. It's so emotional, horrid side affects, extremely expensive and I just don't know if I'm willing to put myself and Pnut through all that. I asked Dr. Laura what an average estimate would be and she said about 12,000. at least. I felt my heart sink a little. So for right now I think we'll probably try up to 3 cycles and go back to trying on our own.

I've been doing tons of research on diets for Endometriosis and found some positive info... It's intense though. I mean Seriously... no red meat, no dairy, no gluten. I'm willing to do it but I'm so overwhelmed by all the info that I really have no idea where to start. I would love to do things in a natural way if it will help. If a million dollars lands in my lap I might think about IVF but for now I believe 3 cycles of IUI will be a good shot!

We are set to do our first IUI in September :) I stopped taking birth-control the day I had my follow up, it was my last pill, perfect timing! Dr. Laura said that we'll wait and let me have a normal period and start the IUI process at the beginning of my next cycle. We got the go-ahead to resume sex!!! Hahaha Pnut was very happy to hear that :) And...even thought we are not doing the IUI this month, we are still going to try it the good old fashioned way! I'm starting to get excited about the IUI, it's been a long wait and I pray that this is our miracle..please, please, please with sugar on top, let this be our year.

In anticipation of possibly doing the IUI this month I went ahead and bought my monthly supply of Ovulation strips, I'm going to to use them this month to time with our good Ole'fashioned baby-making methods. I find it slightly funny because last year when we started our first month of Clomid it was in September. A whole year will have passed dealing with all this infertility junk, I mean yes, we spent over 5 years of trying before seeing an RE, but this year has been way more emotional than those 5 years of not really knowing what the heck was going on. I'm ready for it to come to an end and let us be on our way to the next chapter of our lives...is that too much to ask for? I don't think so :)

My baby making equipment sucks - Surgery Update

It's 5 days after surgery and I am now able to sit at the computer without feeling uncomfortable, for the most part lol. I'm still moving around at old lady speed but getting better each day. I've been a couch potato, watched lots of day time TV, I've become addicted to "The Talk", court TV shows and I've had entirely too much time to think, haha. I also got to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows part 2... and it was totally worth all the crap I've endured this week :)

Surgery was on Wednesday the 13th at 7:30am. The day before surgery I spent the afternoon getting cozy with the toilet and I couldn't eat any solid foods. I had to do a bowel prep *lucky me* and I had to drink phosphasoda <---- YUCK!!! The most disgusting crap I've ever ingested into my body. Seriously... it was so nasty I almost threw it up both times. Yes, I had to drink two bottles of that crap. Needless to say, Wed morning I was starving and very ready to get everything over with. I got signed in at 6am, got into my little room, stripped down and got snuggled up into a lovely and fashionable medical gown topped with fancy blue hair net hahah. Once they put my IV in, they let Josh come back and sit with me. Thankfully we got to hang out with one another until it was time for surgery. I saw the anesthesiologist, he asked me if I'd ever had any complications, so I told him that last time I had surgery in 2009 I woke up. He said being a redhead will do that. Hahaha. Most redheaded people require more anesthesia to be kept asleep. It has something to do with a chromosome we have that changes our receptive ability. It was kind of a complicated explanation but it made sense to me. Dr. Laura came in right after the anesthesiologist, all dressed in her scrubs, she's such a tiny little thing and I always see her dressed up with her white Dr's coat, so I felt relieved knowing she would be the one doing most of the work and she looked confident in her scrubs haha...I just felt a lot better seeing her before! Dr. Laura was her usual funny yet professional self and went over all the details once again, which made me feel really good. Once they started plugging stuff into my IV I don't remember much else. I do remember the medication hitting me and me looking over at Josh saying, "I think I feel this". That was it. I don't remember anything else except waking up with Josh sitting right next to me with his ipod in my face. I was in my little recovery room under about a hundred blankets and here sits my husband with his ipod pointed directly at my face asking me the secret code word. LOL I didn't know it, but it's an inside joke between the two of us :) He was hoping to catch crazy red-head wife ramblings, but all he got was a sour face and a sick wife who could barely keep her peepers open. I was in surgery for 3 1/2 hours!! So when I woke up, I was really nauseous... I stared waking up more I threw up a bunch of times in recovery, and all I remember is shaking all over each time I threw up, because it hurt to roll over, to sit up, to cough, it just hurt to use my stomach muscles :/ It took me a while to wake up enough to eat a cracker and have some water, hahaha, but that only made me sicker. Josh and the nurse kept trying to get me to sit up more so I'd wake up, but I looked up at Josh and said in my most pathetic voice "can we just go?". Josh looked at my nurse and told her, "she is probably as good as she was going to be, so we might as well head home soon". I followed with a "please can I we just go". I was so sick and all I wanted to do was lay in my bed. Before I knew it, Josh was dressing me hahaha. I don't know why, but thinking back on it, well... it's kinda cute. I know he really loves me when he can dress me when I'm half conscious. He got me dressed, the nurse got me in the wheelchair and he was off to pull the car up. Being wheeled outside was nice, it was so hot outside (102) and I was so cold that it made me feel like I was wrapped in a giant heating blanket! I curled up in the front with the seat all the way down, Josh strapped me in and rubbed my back as he drove me home. Once inside he got me to the bedroom where I immediately passed out. Once I was finally awake enough to eat, Josh got me some mashed potatoes and I was a happy girl after that :) That evening Josh gave me a "soft" rundown of what went on in surgery, then he pulled out the pictures. LOL yes, there are 3 pages if pictures of my insides... totally wasn't expecting that, but I was really glad to be able to see everything. It was not pretty... I could not put them down, I could not believe what I was seeing. It was like world war III went off in my baby making oven :/ The left side is the worst. The ovary and fallopian tube were rolled up together in an adhesion and scar tissue. You could see the right ovary but not the left at all, it was underneath everything, the cyst was big, and gross :/ I had bowel stuck to the adhesion's and all of that, was stuck to the side of my uterus and bottom of my abdominal wall. The cyst grew a lot bigger since May. Because my ovaries are stuck in place and the cyst was at the bottom of my ovary it was really hard to get to. While removing the cyst it broke and all of this dark chocolaty fluid came out, they cleaned up all the fluid as best as they could and she had to leave behind part of the cyst wall. Dr. Laura called me Thursday morning and explained everything to me, which was totally unexpected. I'm not used to having a Dr. who is so personal and informative and who calls you personally after surgery. She said that it took at least an hour to get the cyst out and cleaned up, they had to leave part of it behind because it was so deep into my ovary that if she had gone any further she would have open my ovary and I would have lost valuable eggs, so she didn't want to damage it further. I had a ton of scar tissue, the right ovary and fallopian tube have adhesion's and Endo, just not as bad as the left, she burned off the Endo that she could. She did not cut the adhesion's on the right because they would have started growing back and attached to different parts of my insides, and since that was the better side, she didn't want to mess with anything that might cause me problems down the line. She did cut adhesion's on the left, because everything was so freaking stuck together :/ Like I said... it's not pretty, and it's not going away. When she called Thursday morning she basically said "You should try right away, because it's just going to grow back and we have better luck for the next few months". I go back to work on the 27th and I have my follow up appointment on the 28th... I'm guessing we'll do another scan to see how it all looks, and to determine if the cyst has already started to grow back. She said we could go ahead and try a few IUI-treatments, with Letrazole, and possibly in-jectables. She did inform me that a lot of times, women with bad endo will need IVF. Basically... if we do a few IUI's and it doesn't work then most likely our only other option would be IVF :/ We're not there yet obviously, so I shouldn't be upset and freaked out, but it's easier said then done. I hate Endometriosis... I wish there was a magical cure and I wish fertility stuff didn't cost so much. It is so much to think about and hurts my brain lol. Overall surgery was a success, since I did not lose my ovary and only lost part of my fallopian tube... I'm relieved that surgery is over, I'm glad to finally know how bad my Endo is, and I'm sad that this is the reason we've not been able to have a family. I'm worried that there is just too much scarring, I know that I still need to have faith and hope, but today I feel defeated. I already feel like the IUI's will be failures, wastes of money and slaps in the face. I need to do some more research... I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but the truthful reality is this "My baby making equipment sucks ass" and there's no sugar coating it. I am having thoughts of not even wanting to try the IUI's, should we just try on our own.... Ahhhhhhhhhh I feel lost now, and completely unsure of what I truly want to do. I've been laid up on the couch with nothing to do but think and think...and think. I know once I get up and moving more that I'll start to feel better... but good Lord I hate the way I feel right now. Dr. Laura said - "When you do finally have babies, after you're done you may want to have your OBGYN take out all the bad stuff, because it's never going to go away". I have very mixed emotions right now. I don't know if I need to cry, scream, pout or what... I just know that there is a small part of me that's very sad inside... maybe even a little broken. I haven't really shared that with Josh or anyone else, I've pretty much kept that to myself. I don't want to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself or need pity, because I don't. But I do have the right to feel sad and angry at my body for not doing what the hell it's meant to do... I need my time to feel this out... time to sort out my emotions, if ya know what I mean.

Helllloooh July :)

Goodbye June and Hellllooo July... I've been patiently waiting for you, for what seems like forever :)

I painted my back living room this week! I painted 3 walls with Cadet Blue and an accent wall in Burnt Chilly Pepper. I need to do one more coat of the orange and then I'm good to go. Well.. actually I need to do the trim but that can wait a bit. I still can't believe it has taken me almost two years to finally paint hahaha. The next room will be the kitchen. I'm thinking maybe an olive green or mustard yellow. Humm -well see how that goes.



I am excited to say that I will be able to celebrate the 4th of July with my friends and family!! I haven't had the 4th off in several, several years. I have to work the morning shift from 7am-3pm, but after I get off Sarah and I are headed to the lake for a few hours, then we'll head back to my house for burgers on the grille and then we'll all go down to the old football stadium to watch the fireworks! I'm super excited :)

Surgery is 12 days away. Eeek! I have been so anxious for this date to finally get here and of course... now I'm all sorts of nervous about it. Hahahha - Figures! I'm ready don't get me wrong...but just hoping that everything goes well and I get to keep my ovary...I'm a little fond of if, if I do say so myself. lol

This week was an emotional one to say the least... My brother, as some of you know, has been struggling with a serious drug addiction for several years. He had a son who he only has visitation with. He recently was sober for about 8 months and about 3-4 weeks ago he fell off the wagon and hasn't been able to get back on track since. I felt so bad for him because he was working hard, sober and genuinely trying hard to take care of things. He was unable to attain the amount of money to pay for a lawyer upfront so after several months Josh and I helped him get a lawyer so that he can get back custody of his child. Now he won't be able to pass a single drug test when he goes back to court and will probably lose his parental rights to Arthur. He was doing soo well. I think my brother fears getting him back because he doesn't think he will be able to provide for him in the right way. He is sabotaging his self and his chance to be a father. It was a waste of money and It breaks my heart every time... and it pisses me off beyond anything. I love my brother with all my heart, but enough is enough. I wish I knew what to do but I know deep down that there is really nothing I can do for him, that he has to do it for his self and his son.

Many people have asked "Why don't you take him"?!? I would love too, however, I haven't had custody of him this whole time, as a not so nice Lawyer said to me over the phone. I already gave my brother money for a lawyer, which means I'd have to come up with more money to get a lawyer for myself in order to petition for custody. We are already dealing with our own financial stuff when it comes to infertility costs. He is 2 almost 3 and has only seen me a handful of times. I'm not about to rip him away from the only mother he has really known for the past several years. He knows Teresa and loves her but you can tell that when he gets hurt or scared he goes to Judy (friend of family with custody of Arthur currently) I just wont do it!! It would be so selfish of me to just expect to get him since we are blood related and it wouldn't be emotionally healthy for him. If I did take Arthur, my brother would always hold that against me and I can't deal with the stress it would cause with my family. They already expect so much of me, and then If I were to take Arthur, they would expect me to be over there every other day with him and that's now how my life works... It probably seems very selfish to some people that I have all these excuses but you'd have to know the whole story to understand my decisions. I love my nephew and if Judy came to me one day and said she just couldn't do it anymore then I would jump on that in a heartbeat and take him in... I wouldn't let him go into foster care but right now he is with a loving family that has his happiness as a top priority and that means more than anything just to know he is in a safe and loving environment. It's more than my brother is able to offer him. I pray to the Gods that he finds peace within his soul and that he is one day able to understand his purpose in this life. It is sad to watch someone you have known all your life, completely break down. Sometimes I feel guilty at where I am in my life because I have my crap together and he doesn't. I know it's not my fault.. and I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult sometimes. I think it is more sad then anything really. I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sad for his soul because he must really have some awful stuff going on in his head to be this self destructive.

Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Birthday America!!

Time is moving faster!!

Time is finally starting to fly by at a more acceptable pace and that makes me very happy! - *Yay*

In May, when I learned I'd have to wait until July for surgery I was soo bummed and I just felt that July was a lifetime away and that it would never get here. Well...here I am, making the schedule for work and I've already made the first week of July. Ahhhh! That means not too much longer to go. I don't think I could have ever imagined being so excited about having a surgery haha. I go in for my pre-op visit at 9:30am on the 11th and then surgery will be set for 7:30am on the 13th! I'm anxious for the pre-op appointment. Hopefully *fingers crossed* at the pre-op appt Dr. Laura can go over all my scans and most importantly the CA-125 levels that were at 146. That still makes me a bit nervous but... if it was something serious she would have called by now so that brings me some relief. Although from what I've read it seems that endometriosis is causing the high CA-125 levels :/ It will be so good to know what's up with all my lady bits once and for all. *sigh*

Today I bought our "Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2" tickets! I bought them through the website www.mugglesforlife.web.com! Its basically a private screening of Part 1 then Part 2 at 8pm on the 14th! That's 3 1/2 hours before the midnight showing Eeek! Hehehe, I know I'm a huge dork but... I'm so very excited!! All the proceeds go to AFSP - American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Not only will the money go to a good cause, we'll get to see it before most people and (an even bigger plus)we won't have to wait in crazy lines :) If its anything like Twilight was last summer, it will be insane. I'm no where near as big a Twilight fan as I am a Harry Potter Fan, and although I'd wait any amount of time to see it... I'm having surgery the day before and probably won't feel like waiting in line for that long. So this will work out perfectly. Several of our friends bought their tickets today too, so we'll have a little group for this Epic movie night!!

My cousin is going to school at Toni & Guy and is using me as a hair model! I went' yesterday and got a trim, some fringe *bangs* and an awesome deep red color, with a few copper highlights! It rocks and she did a fabulous Job... I didn't enjoy sitting there for 4 1/2 hours but it was well worth it in the end!

My Dad...

Most Fathers day posts are usually about how fabulous and great their dad's are... Mine is a bit different. He's still great in my eyes but it's a different kind of relationship. I don't know why I woke up and chose to write this today, I know it's Fathers day but...some part of me just needed to share it. I love my Father with all my heart. Our story is not your average Father & Daughter relationship story but I wouldn't change the past for anything ♥

The relationship between my Father and I has not always been an easy one, but it has taught me some very important life lessons over the years. For that I thank him more than he'll probably ever be able to understand.

My Father was very young when he and my mother brought me into the world. My Mom was just 15 with my brother Chester and just 17 with me. They were young, naive, irresponsible, running from life problems and doing drugs; many, many hard drugs. I'm not talking about just a couple of hippie pot-smokers, I'm talking a couple of needle pushing junkies! My Father and Mother lost custody of both of us when my mother broke my brothers legs. CPS stepped in and put us in state care otherwise know as foster care. My Nanny and Papa then stepped in to take care of us until my parents could get their crap together. My grandparents eventually adopted us in 1991.



My Papa was the first Dad I ever really knew, I loved him with every ounce of my innocent child heart. I can remember crawling up into his lap in the early morning hours with my blanket to watch "The Three Stooges" and of course "Tom and Jerry"...he was funny, hard working and quiet, he was a music man that loved to drink straight black coffee in the mornings. I was devastated when he died and I felt I knew more about my Papa then I could ever remember about my Father. I don't have many memories of my Dad until I'm older. One memory I recall (one of my earliest memories ever)was when I was about 2 years of age (I think) maybe slightly younger. I was sitting on the floor of a motel room with my brother, my parents were lying in the bed smoking cigarettes and talking about who knows what, the plastic shades were drawn in such a way that tiny rays of light shown across the dark and smoky room. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. My brother and I were playing with a deck of cards that had been strewn across the floor. I picked up a card and held it up as if I wanted to ask him what it was, a tiny ray of light danced across the card, and without asking what it was, my Dad just said, "Baby doll, that's the queen of diamonds...the one that'll hurt you". I didn't understand it as a child, but now that I have grown; it means something to me, something I can't explain.

My next memories start when my Dad met Brenda and had my sister Alisha! I was jealous, he never came to see us and now he had this new person in his life. I felt abandoned once again. When Alisha was born my dad was over the moon in love with his new baby, and his second chance to be a father. I was still jealous inside but also excited to have a sister, she was extremely cute and had my dad's eyes and curly hair! I have an old vhs tape with her and I, I was trying to help her walk and stand up lol. It was fun to have her around... I never told my Dad that I felt jealous, but my grandmother knew that it hurt me deep inside to see my dad bring Alisha over and leave without us... I didn't understand why he could have her but he wouldn't take us :/ I was too young to fully understand. Brenda and my Father's relationship fell apart shortly after Alisha was born. My dad had an apartment with Brenda and Alisha, and on a few occasion we got to go swimming and stay for the day. We never got to spend the night and that always hurt my feelings. That was my grandmothers decision, not my Dad's. I know that if he'd had the choice, he would have let us stay, we always had fun and we'd run through the apartment with Alisha in her walker making her laugh as she flew down the hall. We had good memories during that short moment in time. When Brenda left and took Alisha it broke my father's heart, and then it shattered it into a million pieces when she was no where to be found. When my dad got a lawyer to get her back, Brenda claimed that my father molested Alisha. He was put in jail on false charges. I will never forget the day my grandmother and I picked my Dad up in the middle of the highway coming from downtown. He'd be released from jail, was only wearing a pair of shorts, he was skinny, sick, and feeling lower then any low he'd hit previously. After that he spiraled downward and I didn't see him for a while. The charges were eventually dropped because Brenda was no where to be found. I know that my Dad did not do that, and when we found Alisha 4 years ago she confirmed what we'd all thought - that he didn't do it. My Dad's life would never be the same.



For the next several years I watched my Dad struggle with jobs, women, family, us and drugs. My Dad would be gone for long periods of time and you wouldn't know if he was dead or alive. I can remember when we'd see him again I would feel so happy and overjoyed, and somewhat relieved that he was in fact still walking, talking and breathing. He was my Dad and I was young enough to still look past his mistakes. It didn't matter what was going on in his life or what awful things my grandmother was saying about him, it didn't matter. He was the Dad I could not reach and all I needed was to see him, and have him close to me, to hear his laugh to know that he was safe.

As I got a bit older my Dad continued to dive deeper into a world of drugs and complete self hatred. The period of time he would be gone got longer. In high school (junior year) I moved out of my grandmothers place and got an apartment with my Dad and Brother. It was probably the worst time for my father and I. I was the only one working at the time and I was going to school too. My brother and Father both lived with me but neither worked. My grandmother would send some money to help me pay rent, but they were not helping at all. My Brother and Dad would get into viscous fights and arguments, I hated seeing them like that. My dad would sleep all day and be up all night. He would go missing for days at a time and come back with scratches all over his body and poison ivy. He would get spun out on dope and disappear into the wooded area by our apartments. He would literally be so messed up and high that he wouldn't even know that he was getting cut up by all the trees and brush. He would come back home and I would freak out, cry, hate him, and love him all at once. I got up to go to school one morning and I opened up my Dad's bedroom door to check on him and he was sitting in his dark bedroom listening to Pink Floyd, spaced out of his mind. When I came back home from school that day he was still in the same spot starring at the ceiling Indian-style on the floor. He didn't say a word to me...I cried all night in my bed, praying and hoping something would change him. I hated him so much at that point. He was no father to me and I felt like I was taking care of him and that made me very angry and detached from not only him but my family. My Grandmother would always say "It doesn't matter what he's done...he's your Father" I hated when she put the guilt trip on me... I felt so obligated and trapped.



I eventually moved out of that apartment and got a new one by myself. I was already 17 and in the state of Texas I was able to be on my own as long as I still continued to attend school on a daily basis. I remember living in that apartment and not even having a TV for the first 5 months; lord knows what I did to entertain myself. One night I invited Anna to stay the night at my apartment. I get a knock at the door and it's my Dad. There he is with no shirt and no shoes looking sad, miserable and pathetic. He came in; I knew what he was going to ask before he even asked it. "Can I stay with you tonight?" The words I didn't want to hear were spoken. With all the strength inside of me I walked over to my fridge, took out some leftovers, got him a few beers and put them in a grocery sack. I told my Dad that he could not stay with me because my friend was going to stay the night and because if I let him stay then he will think he can stay the next night too. In all actuality I didn't want him to stay because I knew he would never leave and I wasn't ready for that. I had already been through so much with him that I was at my wit's end. My Dad wasn't angry at me, he was sad and defeated inside. It was the most painful moment I'd had yet with my Dad...it broke my heart to look into his eyes and see a person so lost. I gave him the sack, some smokes, the beers and sent him on his way. The minute I shut the door I broke into an uncontrollable sob and cried one of the hardest cry's I'd ever cried up to that point in my life...I cried through the night and every time I imagine his face in my head I would start to tear up. I felt like I ripped his heart right out and smashed it against the wall. My grandmother called and "said it was a rotten thing I did not helping him" "He is your father" to which I replied "Where the hell was he when I needed him" I felt like the most cold hearted person in the entire world. How could I turn him away in this dark moment of desperate need. Was I just that selfish? No, I wasn't... I did what I had to do to protect myself, my heart and my future. I cried about that one for a while... I was angry at myself for sending him away and at the same time I was angry at myself for feeling bad when he didn't raise me or take care of me in my times of need as a child. The relationship between my father and I was very strained at this point...

After graduating high-school I got into drugs, I never shot up... But I partied with everything I could get my hands on. I even did drugs with my Dad and my Mom. It started to change the way he thought... for once he was concerned about my future and whether or not I was going to follow in his footsteps. This may sound a little crazy to most people, but an unconscious part of me felt that doing drugs would allow me to understand my father/parents, in a way I never had. I felt like I needed to be on his level to know him... On his level to understand why he made the choices he did. At this point my Dad is now living out of his little red car. He had been driving into my apartment complex at night and parking so he could sleep. It was a few months before I realized. It broke my heart... He kept getting tickets from sleeping in the park and needed a safer place to stay. I was partying with my friends so much and could have cared less where my Dad was sleeping. I regret that a lot now that I'm older.



My dad finally got a place of his own and a job welding. My dad was a welder by trade and was pretty damn good at it too, it's what he'd always done for work other then fast food places. He would usually only last long enough to get his first or second paycheck, then he'd go out get messed up, miss work and be difficult to deal with and in turn would lose his jobs. In 2004 my dad slowly stopped shooting up dope and replaced his drug addiction with beer. Not the best choice but at least he's not shoving a needle in his arm anymore. In 2005 I went to visit my dad at his duplex and he wasn't there... I walked in the door and called him on his cell, he sounded funny, like he was wasted or something. I asked if he'd been drinking and He said No, he was right around the corner and he said at his friends house he got really dizzy and then fell to the ground, got sick, threw up and when he got back up he felt strange and was talking funny. I waited patiently for him to get back home and as soon as he walked in the door I knew something was seriously wrong. He could hardly speak to me and his face was drooping on the left side. My heart almost fell out of my chest... I cried and asked him to let me take him to the hospital... He said "No, honey I'll be fine" I begged him and finally called an ambulance. They got there and spoke with my Dad, they informed me that they could not force him to go. They looked him over and said that he should probably go in that it could be something serious, I looked at my dad with pleading eye's and he agreed. They got him on the stretcher and sent him to JPS. I got his dog and cat and took them to my house because I knew my uncle would be rummaging through his house when he was gone...because that's just what my family is like. I sat at the hospital all night with my Dad... He had a massive stroke... it wasn't good and there was really not a lot that could be done. The stroke released a blood clot in my dad's brain. It's like a mini shot gun went off inside his head :/

The stroke changed my Dad's life. He's had a total of 4 strokes since and is basically a ticking time bomb. He has permanent brain damage and has difficulty communicating. He still laughs and jokes on occasion but he's just not the same. It's been almost 7 years and he hasn't touched a needle since! He drinks a little too much and still smokes his pot...but he's much easier to deal with and to keep track of. The last several years I've helped my Dad with doctors appointments and such but My grandmother has since taken over and does most of it for him. It got to the point that I could not get him to all of his doctors appointments and work full time, it was just too hard on me emotionally and physically. My grandmother was living in Oklahoma at the time, I called her one day in tears, sobbing into the phone uncontrollably... I could not deal with it by myself. I needed help. She moved back and rescued me :) I love her so much!



He now as a home heath nurse that visits weekly and a speech therapist that comes every two weeks. He is unable to read, he can drive short distances but can't take road trips because he gets lost. My Dad used to be the King of road-trips, he's rescued so many people in our family at various times lol. If there is one thing I can say about my dad its this - He may not have been there for me in the way's I expected him to be, but he would be there in an instant if I were hurt, in trouble or needed him. He has always enjoyed helping others and helping me. I can always expect that if some appliance breaks down or my couch exploded he'd find me a better one. haha He has a way of getting things done when you least expect it. He's resourceful for someone in his situation :) He' may be an old-man grouch but he does have a big heart and he loves me a whole lot. I know this from the bottom of my heart. Taking him to the grocery store has always secretly been my favorite thing to do with him. Watching him shop is an event. He wants to do things on his own, which I agree he should but watching him think and ponder things cracks me up... He laughs when I laugh at him...because he knows what I'm thinking. heheh When my Dad is trying to get the words out his fingers start to move, like spirit fingers lol... and his hand motions get more intense the more he's trying to think of stuff. He always get's frustrated and usually can't get the words out right so he waves his hand in a "never-mind" kinda motion...but when he's shopping and looking at things, his fingers are just moving so fast. It's like he's typing the words in mid-air lol. It's difficult to explain! But it makes me smile...why you ask? Because he didn't die... we still have him no matter how damaged he may be.

10 or even 15 years ago I never would have imagined his life like this, and I couldn't have imagined how much I would love him either. We've had a rocky relationship along the way, but I have learned so many things from him... He may not have been able to provide for me in a way that is considered father-like, but the life lessons provided by his life mistakes are the most important things I will ever learn from him. I love my Dad with all my heart even when he frustrates me. I know you won't ever be able to read this but... Happy Fathers Day Dad ♥

Wine nights are tha best ♥

I have been avoiding my blog like the plague these days *sorry*. lol. Since I'm currently waiting to have surgery in July and there's nothing really happening on the fertility front I have been in a rather anxious slash...depressive mood. The BC makes me emotional and really angry inside, I literally wake up some mornings in an angry mood...just simply pissed off in general! I don't like that feeling :/ Yuck! I think I'll ask Coral to change it next time around. I've probably sat down at least 3 times to make a blog post and have only been able to get a few sentences in before giving up because my brain has been stuck swimming in a pool of useless emotions. My mind has had many, many thoughts but nothing has wanted to come out. Yesterday, I finally logged in I had 3 saved drafts, all of which were short, sad and pathetic...haha. I decided last week that I was tired of feeling so crappy everyday, so I got a fitness membership at our local recreation center! I've been wanting to do it for a while, but procrastination got the best of me every time.

This last year of TTC has put a some strain on my weight and emotions. I've been on hormones and eating unhealthy crappy junk food... I guess you could say - I've been an emotional eater for the last several months. I can't continue on like this anymore so something definitely has to change now and soon. I'm 5 feet 3 1/2 inches tall and weighed myself at 140 pounds last week...Eeek!! It's not horrible but it's not great for my body type. I've been really lazy :/ I need to regain my natural energy and toned body again. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I'm not overweight...I'm just out of shape and a little flabby in some areas. I have to start doing something that will make me feel better about myself inside and out and it's something that will benefit the mind and body, and not just on a physical side but the emotional level as well. I started cardio on Thursday and just three days of 40 min each day has made me feel tons better already. The rec is a short drive from my house so it makes it really easy to get up and do it before going into work :) The first day I was super pumped and motivated, the second day I got on the elliptical, made it 15 minutes and thought I was going to die. My legs were burning like a *beeep*. I sat down sweating my ass off and contemplated leaving or maybe trying again the next day, but then a really awesome song came on my ipod and I decided I'd use the treadmill and push through my "cry-baby* feelings. Besides...I couldn't let the 80 year old woman on the elliptical show me up. ps...*I want to be that lady when I'm old and gray, she was rockin it" I felt accomplished at the end of day knowing that I didn't give up :)

Day three was great!! They are closed on Sundays so that will be one of my off days. So... Sunday I had a meeting at work, came home, ate an awesome lunch with my hard working Pnut and then headed out to Anna's house for a much needed girls night! I haven't seen her since our trip to Oklahoma. Anna made homemade guacamole *amazing*, heated up some queso, cracked open a bottle of Miscado, finished it on the patio and then moved on the the Lambrusco :) We sat on the patio a little while longer and watched a summer rain-shower say hello, it was beautiful! We then watched the HBO Monster Ball Special for Lady Gaga. *sigh* It was like being at her concert all over again! I had a great time seeing her as always and it really felt good to get out and be social. I also made plans this week to visit Jared *which I did today* and Misty tomorrow evening. I've been such a hermit lately. I haven't really been a good friend either, I've pretty much been avoiding people just like my blog...hahaha. I haven't gone to visit anyone one or call anyone :/ But - I'm trying to get myself back into the swing of my things!! *pre-infertility craziness* of course lol. I feel like I'm taking the right steps and that's really all that matters right now. One day at a time - as they always say.

Today is the day, the day that I will finally get my year membership to our local recreation center. They have a fitness center and I'm about to start working on some sort of exercise plan... I've been feeling rather uncomfortable in my own skin :/ I know that I am not a fat girl by any means but I'm certainly not fit right now... I feel like I'm becoming Falbby-McFlabberton *haha*. I just need to do some regular cardio to burn fat, keep my metabolism up and learn some portion control. Over the last two weeks I've been trying to eat apples every morning and I've tried to eat more salads. I think the combination of eating a bit better and some exercise will definitely make a noticeable difference. I noticed when I turned 24 that I started to hold my weight differently, I could no longer eat that pint of ice cream with out some very noticeable consequences.

We're still here.... *smh*

Well... The rapture did not happen, I was not left behind, I didn't see any people being lifted into the sky, nor did I see mass looting. So the world did not end and now we all get to wait and do this again in 2012! haha Doomsdayer's crack me up sometimes :) Maybe...the rapture took away my funky mood lol. I posted the other day about "Living in the Funk" and the next morning I woke up feeling like a new woman. I did not shed the tears I spoke of. I could have easily cried but it just didn't happen. I got home, Josh was working on installing his new desk, we hung out, chit-chatted and I felt better. There were a few moments I thought to myself "would you just go to bed already so I can get this pity party started" But he didn't. It was perfect and exactly what I needed!

Today I saw the new trailer for "Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows - Part II". I.am.so.excited!! It is the last Harry Potter movie *sad face*. I read the books so I already know what will happen, but I still can't wait to see it. I know I'm going to cry *sniff sniff* and I think the hubby will too, although he'd probably never admit it, hehehe. Harry Potter was my substitute drug when I stopped using drugs lol. Seriously, reading and watching the Harry Potter series helped me through one of the darkest chapters in my life. I'm kind of bummed that my surgery is the 13th and the movie comes out on the 15th. I don't think I'll be able to stand in line for a midnight showing but I sure as heck will be waiting for the earliest showing the very next day, I may be all drugged up on pain meds but I'll be there.

It's storming outside right now *ahhhh*. I love the storms here in Texas... We had some a few days back too and I got some good pictures. I'm off tomorrow and it looks as thought I'll be driving half way to Kemp Texas so that I can pick my Grandma up. She went on a little weekend trip to visit her niece Darlene, who just recently moved down from her home state of Michigan. My Grandma wound up having extremely bad chest pains and was taken to the emergency room and then put in ICU. She is in Kaufman, Texas and doing much, much better today! I'll go pick her up tomorrow...her body is just not up for traveling anymore, poor thing. It will be nice to spend some time with just her and myself tomorrow. I love her dearly and miss our times alone. We have some really heartfelt conversations together. Josh and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage on Tuesday. I'm going to make reservations for the "Magic Time Machine". That is where Josh asked me to marry him. *giggle*. That was 10 years ago too... It will be fun to go back and reminisce on how young we were and how very nervous he was *sigh*...such a sweet Pnut I have :)

Living in the funk...

Blah - freaking blah! That is what I have to say about today. Ugh...

I feel like I need to cry, scream, pout, stomp my feet, feel sorry for myself or all of the above. I'm not 100% sure why, I just know it's in there *my tears* waiting for the perfect moment of silence to unleash a flood of salty emotions across my face. I hate being in a funk like this...Errr :/ I hate when I feel my emotions have taken over the wheel and are happily playing a cruel trick on me.

I need a big fat double vodka tonic on tha fly! with a lime and maybe even a shot on the side. Yep - that would definitely do the trick today.

I'm still waiting for the results from my scans. I called Coral yesterday and she said "Dr. Laura just got back home and would be logging on to review your scans sometime in the next week". She's on medical leave so I'm playing the waiting game still. It's not her fault and it's not the worst thing in the world but good-lord it frustrates me beyond anything. It feels like July is forever away. Coral said that I probably wouldn't know anything about my scans until my pre-op visit. Unless Dr. Laura sees something of concern other than the cyst's, then she'll call and let Coral know who will then call me... My CA-125 levels were elevated to a 146 and I still don't really know whether that's a problem, I guess they really don't know either until surgery. Coral said that Dr. Laura would try and get with me before my pre-op but in all honesty it looks like I'll just be waiting till July. So I guess no news is good news in this case. I'm bummed though...I just want to get past this and move on, I feel as if I'm stuck like Chuck and my patients are starting to get thin *they weren't very thick to begin with*. The worst part is that I have no control over anything and I just have to wait it out some more! *very long sigh* In June it will officially be a year since we started seeing someone for our infertility problems and we are pretty much in the same place as before. Yes I know, we are a little bit closer, but to be honest that doesn't really mean shit to me right now... It's disappointing, seeing babies and pregnant women lately has made me feel slightly bitter inside. I've been pretty good at controlling my jealous *wanna-be-mom* feelings but it's really hard sometimes:( I know this shall pass and I won't always feel this way, but today I just have to get it all out because it's driving me crazy inside.

I feel a sad movie night coming on. Hahaha. When I get this way I usually have to watch a sappy sad movie to unleash the sadness within myself. It won't be too difficult tonight...it's been building for days and I can't wait to just leave work and have myself a personal pity party - Party of 1 please. On a side note I painted my bathroom this week and it looks pretty awesome if I do say so myself! The walls are painted in a Turquoise with chocolate brown trim :) I plan to buy more paint next week and paint the bedroom and possibly the back living room...although I'm still debating on what colors! Ugh - so many decisions when it comes to paint. Maybe that will pull me out of this bad mood I've become friends with...lol

CA 125 Levels

Waiting and more waiting - that seems to be my thing lately lol. I'm definitely learning a lot about patients these days and it feels like that's not the first time I said that either hahaha. Last Wednesday I got the blood test results back on my CA 125 test and they were elevated to a level of 146. Oddly enough that's one of my favorite numbers *inside joke and a story for another time*. I'm not exactly sure what that (146) means yet... I did some research online and normal levels are supposed to be at 35. I went for my ultrasound Friday morning and I didn't find out anything :/ It's disappointing that you're never able to find out anything until the pictures are sent elsewhere and reviewed - Booo to that! The sonogram technician said she couldn't tell me anything pretty much as soon as I came into the little room. I didn't even get a chance to ask but she immediately gave me this long spill about the procedure and how she couldn't tell me anything and that...was that! I got the feeling she get's verbally harassed by anxious patients wanting answerer right away lol. It took about 45 minutes, she did an external ultrasound and an internal ultrasound which was rather uncomfortable. She made a joke and said "your uterus is just like mine! It just kinda sits there slumped to the right" I wasn't really sure how to feel about that *smh*. It was funny how she said it, but then I felt sorry for my uterus all slumped there to the right being pathetic *bahahahha*. She took lots of pictures and made sure the screen was turned away so I couldn't see a single thing. Errr! Thank goodness I had a mini weekend trip to Oklahoma to keep my mind off things. My baby cousins, Andrew and Erica graduated High School :). I drove my grandmother to Wilburton, OK and my best friend Anna tagged along too. It was a nice drive up and back. Gas totally sucked at 3.89 a gallon but it was totally worth it to see my cousins feeling proud, confident and excited to see grandma, to know she made it... as she always said she would. I'm really proud of them both considering the difficulties they had growing up. Tomorrow is my last day off so I guess I'll do some laundry, mow the yard, figure out what color to paint the living room *which will be a battle in its self* and wait for Coral to call about my scan results! I hope everyone has a blessed week ♥

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day is tomorrow, well actually it's today because it is already about 2am, so for me tomorrow begins when I wake up haha. Mother's Day is always hard for me on the inside but I just have to suck it up and say "It's only one day". For any of you infertile ladies out there... Don't let this day be torturous. We already put ourselves through enough stress. Yes, it sucks but listen to this song, dry your eyes and go wish someone a Happy Mother's day with a genuine smile on your face!! I found this song tonight and it made me cry lol... It's exactly the way I feel on my bad days. Just remember that not everyday is a bad day ♥

Happy Mother's day to all you Momma's out there!
I hope you all have a very blessed day with lots of love.

PS... don't wish your infertile friends Happy Mother's day, it's extremely sweet but totally not needed!


"So hard" - Dixie Chicks

Surgery will have to wait...

Well...sadly surgery will be put on hold until the beginning of July. Coral called yesterday to let me know that Dr. Laura indeed would not make it until the 18th. She gave me 3 options - 1. Continue the BC pills without the last week to completely stop my cycle, 2. Stop the BC pills and have a normal cycle with no drugs or 3. be refereed to another doctor to take care of it everything while Dr. Laura is out on medical leave. So I opted for option number 3. Coral reminded me that "we don't know exactly what it is" So don't feel bad about option 3. I didn't want to run out on Dr. Laura but I was anxious to get things moving along and find out what this mass is on my ovary. Coral then called back to say she was so sorry she made a mistake and I wouldn't be able to see the other doctor. So she called up my regular Gynecologist Dr. Henderson and spoke with her about everything, she said she could do it but probably not till the end of June and basically that it wasn't her specialty. I honestly did not want to go back and see her at all so I decided to just wait for Dr. Laura to return and do my surgery since she is a specialist. It kinda sucks that I have to wait but I did find out that I will still get my in-depth scan done on the 13th of this month with Radiology Associates and that makes me feel a lot better.

I was coming back from the post office today when Coral called to tell me that I'm now scheduled for pre-op on July 11th with surgery to follow on July 13th. Then she said "I don't want to alarm you, but we need you to come in and have a blood test(CA-125) to check for ovarian cancer". My heart skipped a beat... They never mentioned this before... So I'm going in tomorrow before work. I guess I'm glad they are being completely thorough but it makes my stomach feel a little nervous :/ I'm sure all will be fine...so I'm just going to think positive thoughts on this one until I know the results. Wish me luck!

Happy May ♥

The sun rose into a crisp and cloudless sky this morning. Shinning down on my face as I drove in this morning, I could feel my good mood waking up for the day. Yesterday it rained all day, I was in a funk, bleh, I was tired from my weird work schedule and it was only in the 50's all day...a very dreary day indeed. Once again I say - Mother Nature is smoking something funny.

On Sunday Josh and I celebrated our 13 year anniversary ♥. We'll celebrate 8 year of Marriage on the 24th but May 1st has always been our special day. I was surprised by a sweet early morning text. I got all giddy realizing that Josh had in fact remembered this day without my help *sigh* he's a pretty swell Husband!! We didn't do anything special...just kinda hung around the house together and enjoyed the evening with some Star Trek!

That evening Josh left to get ice cream and doughnuts and I saw the breaking news bar across the top of CNN. It wasn't something that you could click on yet, it simply said "Breaking News: President Obama will speak shortly" Being a Sunday night at 9pm I thought this to rather strange. When Josh returned we watched and episode of DS9 and waited for him to speak. Josh got on twitter and found out what was happening before it broke on-air. "Osama Bin Laden is Dead" We were in shock and disbelief. I felt almost like it was a joke or something. Although I am happy for the people who lost their lives and loved ones to have some closure...I just can't celebrate death like that. Something about it feels wrong to me. I don't judge those who are celebrating by any means, this is just my personal choice. I remember I felt this same way when Saddam Hussein was captured and hanged; I felt happy because the media was telling me it was a great thing because yes...yes he was a horrible man but I also felt sadness, not sure where it comes from but it's there...

This quote will put it best as to how I feel...

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Day - 19

Day 19 - A picture and a letter



Dear Pnut,
13 years ago today you brought me two roses that you plucked from a garden, brought them to school and nervously asked me to be your girlfriend.Obviously I said yes and we've been inseparable ever and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll never forget that first kiss in front of the bus stop where time literally stood still for a moment. You are still that charming boy I fell for in high school with a little more wisdom gained and a lot more love to give. This morning when I was thinking back on all the time we've had together, all the memories, all the laughter and all the love we've shared...well, it brought happy tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have you in my life, you have taught me so many things about life and made me laugh through our most difficult times. Thanks for being all that you are ♥
All my Love,
Toe