Feeling un-Halloweeny

Halloween is days away, and this is the first year in a very long time that I could care less about it :| Halloween is my all-time favorite festive day of the year :( How depressing am I, lol. Josh, and I dressed the dogs up in costumes the other day, it put a smile on my face! I decorated a pumpkin several weeks back with Anna, but that's the extent of my Halloween-ness this year. I'm such a Debbie-Downer. Humph...




So, the waiting continues. . . no news is good news, I guess.

I've been okay maintaining my thoughts and feelings. I've still been avoiding all my friends, phone calls and such. I'm sorry for this but, it's just to hard to casually talk about right now. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity Errrr. Yesterday, I woke up pissed off, angry, sad, depressed, and anxious. . . I felt so much emotion, that it was impossible to get away from, I just had to feel it, every effing ounce of it, no escape. I was depressed all day, cried before work, made it through work, cried the entire way home, and then some more at home with Josh. I really don't know how I'd make it without him ♥

On a side note...

I have a spot on my butt cheek the size of a nickle, a spot on my toe, and a small spot on my nose that are strange, flaky, red, itchy, and not bug bites bites. They don't seem to be going away, or getting better. These did not show up until the last few weeks. Several years ago I had a spot on my skin that would not go away and my dermatologist said it was Morphea, which is also known as localized lupus. With the sudden appearance of these new spots, I did a little investigating online, and I am curious if these new spots have anything to do with Lupus. I've never thought I had it before, never asked, never really knew much about it, but I think I may ask Dr. Laura what she thinks. It's odd that they would just now show up, during such a stressful time.

Someone can just shoot me now, so I'll stop freaking out about stupid crap... I really wouldn't mind, hahaha.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Living on hope & prayers

My heart feels like it's been cracked open, my thoughts are heavy, and my mind is desperately trying to hang onto hope in any way possible.

We are living on hopes and prayers. . .

I wish I could say things are better, but they are not better, and yet. . . they are not worse.

We are stuck in a moment of time that is relentless, truthful, and raw.

Yesterday, we could barley see embryo/baby/tiny little bean... *tear* I'm still growing, but very slowly. It looks like I'm behind in growth basically by a week or so at least. We could not get a good measure of the heartbeat, or the crown to rump length. But, Josh and I both saw it. . . It was effing there. . . beating and clinging on to life for us. It was there, trying to survive. I felt so sad, knowing that it was struggling. It was still there and that's what matters to me right now.

Dr. Laura said the heartbeat seemed erratic, this measurements are off, and that it looked like the pregnancy was not going to progress much further, that I would probably miscarry within the next few weeks, or I could have a missed-miscarriage, if my body doesn't get the hint, as to what's going on. I don't go back until around the 2nd week of November... I'm going to keep praying to any, and all Gods that are listening, I will pray, and cling to my scattered hope. I really have no choice, because the odds seemed stacked against us. *sigh*

It's useless to ask - Why!?!?!? But for some reason it seems appropriate when you're crying your eyes out, and snot is running down your face.

I'm going to be honest. . . Yesterday, I didn't even expect to see a baby, or heartbeat. Our last appointment had be shaking in my boots and I thought for sure it was over. Secretly, I made peace with it, within myself, accepted, and prepared myself for the worst outcome. I was shocked to see a heartbeat. I did not cry on my way out of the office, but later in the evening I started rehashing everything she said in the office; I started to feel anxious, and cried later in the evening. . . several times. I've teared up a few times today thinking about it, or having to explain it to anyone, even though I have my hope, it still sucks ass, and makes me sad. . . Why is this happening. My hear is breaking as we speak. . .

I asked Dr. Laura many, many questions. She has to be as honest as possible, and that's the hard part for her :| She has been there with us through this whole thing, in fact everyone on staff has. They are only 4, but they are a great team of 4 woman. who feel our pain, and that creates a certain bond. I could tell she felt emotional telling us everything, I could sense that she probably could have cried herself, if she didn't have to maintain the professional composure. I asked about angles, my tilted uterus; I reaching for hope in any way possible. She agreed that there are always miracles out there, things that don't fall into the statistical realm of normal. Things happen all the time that they can't explain, or predict. The amount of Data out there, to compare stuff to is incredibly low when it comes to infertility research. From the info and scans, she leans more towards a miscarry, although that's not to say it's 100% until I actually have a miscarriage. Basically, I still have a baby, because we have a heartbeat. That is hope to me!!


I'll either start to bleed, and have a miscarriage over the next few weeks, or I'll go back in a few weeks and have a baby and a heartbeat. If we go back and see nothing, I'll have a D n C, or take the vaginal medication to induce miscarriage.

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm scared shitless. I've had a miscarriage before :( Right now I can't imagine having to do that again. I still feel all my pregnancy symptoms. Waiting this out will be torture, but I will gladly do it that means I will be privileged to carry this baby.

Yesterday, I told Josh I didn't want to do this again. . . He said I was just upset, and didn't mean it. Part of me did mean it. This pain is very deep, and hard to maintain on an everyday level. I have to admit that he is mostly right, because I always said we do it at least twice. And, we will. We will do it a second time if things do not turn out. After that we are done... Done. We would never be able to afford IVF, there is no guarantee it would even work, and I can't live life on this roller coaster. Josh has been amazing, he would do what ever I wanted, but I can't do this to him either... This has been the most painful journey to walk down, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Dr. Laura offered to let us do a chromosomal test, if this ends badly. To find out if we are have a bigger problem. I really appreciate the offer. Basically we could have a problem that will never allow us to have a successful pregnancy, so rather then continue to throw money at fertility treatments, we could make a decision about our lives, begin to move on, grieve and heal... if that's even possible. It feels so unfair. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world.

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone who's said prayers, sent vibes, sent messages and sent love. I appreciate you, your support and for reading along through this crazy time. It means more than I can express with words.

Pushing yourself through the day...

It is finally Sunday (my Friday), and I am doing better than I was...

Yesterday I started to laugh a bit more, I forced myself to catch up on shows that have been collecting, I watered the plants on my patio, I avoided most friend and human contact. I felt cooped up, but could not bring myself to do a single productive thing other than the watering of the plants, and only because Josh insisted. Josh has remained optimistic, and hopeful about the whole situation; which helps me a great deal. I still have moments where, if I stop, and really think about it, I get sad with fear, and tears fill my eyes. I'm getting better. I continue to talk to my little bean at night, when I shower, take a bath, and when I'm alone. I rub my stomach, in hopes that my little bean will feel my touch, and know that I'm here for it. My prayers are that his/her little heartbeat is beating faster and faster each day.

I emailed Bart and Sheila, told my Grandmother, and Brother about what's going on and my friend Sarah. I've kept this news relatively quiet for the most part. Yesterday, my Brother called me up to say a prayer over the phone, wow. My Brother, and his continued sobriety is truly a Gift from the God's above. It felt so strange being on the other end with my brother, usually I'm the one consoling him, telling him it will be okay, that God is looking out for him, or talking him through difficult times. Yesterday he was that for me, and I appreciated it more than my words can express.

I called the Fertility office on Friday morning, and asked for my ultrasound to be moved up to Tuesday, since I'm off and Josh is off. I have have absolutely no sick time left since I had to have surgery back in July, so trying to get through all of this with no sick time is really proving to be difficult. I'm so anxious right now, it feels like I have a brick sitting in my gut. I'm remaining calm, cool and collected, for the most part... but there is this small part of me going crazy with each passing hour. The "unknown" is torturous, *sigh*. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes so we'll know more about which direction this is all heading.

Regardless of what happens I know we will survive. . .

Hanging on by a tiny thread of emotion.

Many tears have fallen in the last 24 hours :|

**The Good**

Josh and I, went in yesterday for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! We were so excited!! We saw and heard it, our eyes were bright, and our hearts were happy and fluttering; it was probably the most amazing feeling ever *sigh*.

**The Bad**

The heartbeat was only 65 bpm, meaning very slow. It was so tiny, like a little lightning bug flashing at us... but Dr. Laura said it should be above 100. "This is concerning" she said with a very serious face. Like the morning I woke up spotting, my heart fell out of my chest once again. I couldn't even look at Josh until she left the room, because I knew the flood gates were about to open. We sat in her office, and had a very serious discussion about everything that could happen, it was the most depressing conversation I've ever had. Even though all hope is not lost, because there is a heartbeat, I felt completely defeated by the seriousness of our discussion. I was miles away, as Josh would say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.


*The Ugly** (the unstoppable emotions)

This is not good, and there is no sugar coating it. I keep trying to come up with reasons of - why, but they are not there. I'm currently begging the God's to continue smiling upon us, not to take away this dream that has landed in our laps. We have been waiting for so long, and worked so hard for where we are. I am devastated and heartbroken right now. I just don't know how to feel, I feel bad for being upset, because that's stressful to the baby, and I could cause more harm, but I'm hurting deep inside on an emotional level, and don't know how to balance out these feelings. I left the office yesterday feeling like at any minute I'll probably have a miscarriage. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread of pure emotion. I have to wait until next week to do another sono. I'm worried, yet trying to hang on to the slivers of hope floating randomly around in my head. I cried all evening last night, could not sleep at all, just tossed and turned, and have cried throughout this morning. I am trying to stay positive, I've been talking to my baby, asking it to hang on just a little longer... telling it how much I Love it, and what a cool Dad it has waiting on the outside. I feel so lost right now. I'm not ready for this to be over, the pain it too much after getting this far. *sigh* Come on Baby Bernard, you can do it!!!! We have faith in you!!!

If you pray... Say a prayer for us
If you send vibes... send some vibes our way
If you can... send positive thoughts my way
I'll take whatever you got, because my own supply of strength is very low at the moment.

Gotta wait a bit longer

*Yawn* Well it's Friday, and I just woke up from sleeping about 11 hours. It felt so amazing!

Josh and I went in on Tuesday morning for a sonogram, but we were not able to see the heartbeat. :/ I was pretty disappointed; which led to obsessive negative thoughts, fear and moodiness. hahah. Everything was exactly where it should have been, my yolk sac grew bigger, uterus was at the right size, my cervix was closed, and my HcG levels were right on. So we're waiting until next Thursday to go back!! I was only 5 weeks 7 days... 6 1/2 weeks is really a better time to see it, I've been told. I felt pretty bummed that entire day, but when Dr. Laura called the next day with my numbers I felt tons better, I also emailed Jencia, and asked if not seeing the heartbeat was normal... she calmed my nerves too and said it's very normal. :) I am anxious to see this tiny little life that's currently inside of me, jacking my nutrients and making me sleepy, lol. Josh was great during the sonogram! His eyes got so bright, and I could feel the vibrations of excitement resonating off his body. Every time he saw the little tiny thing inside the sac, he'd unknowingly squeeze my arm or shoulder, he'd get this huge grin on his face, and when we didn't see the heartbeat; he reassured me that he could see everything that he needed to know everything was fine. lol!

Like I said in the beginning... It's Friday, I just slept for 11 hours and I feel great! I feel every bit of pregnant I could possibly feel at this point. My breast are still a size bigger, and sore, my appetite fluctuates day to day; more like hour to hour. I sleep a lot, I cry and become moody all the sudden, and my pants don't button, hahaha. So I'm not fretting one bit until Thursday. I've still had some spotting here and there, but that's only because of the small hemorrhage next to where my sac implanted... So that doesn't scare me anymore, and I'll probably have spotting until it goes away completely or my body absorbs it! I'm currently feasting on a bowl of cut up strawberries, blueberries and raisins. I thought I was going to be totally cool and healthy, and have them with organic plane yogurt, but my lord was I wrong... I. HATE. YOGURT. The taste is horrid. I thought maybe I'd be able to give it a try, that maybe my taste buds had changed enough for me to like it, and I was totally wrong.

We got our sweet Daisy spayed a few days ago. I felt kinda bad inside taking away her chance to have puppies :| She came into heat, and was driving our Teddy & Scruffy to the brink of insanity. Next, we'll have to get Mr. Scruffy Man fixed! I swear he would have tried to get the wall pregnant if he could have. Hahaha. Natural instinct is so darn strong sometimes.

I dreamed of my old friend Sarah last night. It's been a while since she visited my dreams. About a month ago, Anna and I decided to go see her Mom! Shannon, said we should write Sarah a note, and leave it in her mailbox, since we can't just go next door like normal adults, and say Hi. So I did, we never heard anything from her. It hurt my feelings, I guess she truly is the one who doesn't want to be friends. That makes me sad inside. I've forever and always thought it to be her husbands choice, because that's how it was so long ago. He's the one who said we could not be friends. But now I'm really starting to just let go of the idea of ever having a friendship with her again. It is sad... because she was an awesome person. I feel bad that I was a wild child, and lost her friendship, but we're all grown adults now, so I don't understand why we can't act like adults, and move forward in life. More and more I feel less bad, and feel that it's her loss. I'm not going to beg for anyone to be my friend. Any-who... In my dream I was sitting in my living room, and I could see her at her Moms house, then all the sudden she was walking into my front door, she sat down with her daughter, and said "I asked if I could come over, and he said it was OK". That was pretty much it. See... very strange, hummm. It was nice to see her though... even if it was just a short dream :)

Have a swell day everyone ♥

Our little contamination is in there!!!

Today the Gods smiled upon me ♥ and I am smiling back.

I went in this morning at 9:30am for my first Sonogram...

And.... Everything looks Great!!! Our little "contamination" is in the right spot and growing fast! I go back on Tuesday to see the heartbeat! I am the happiest girl in the world today! I feel so extremely blessed... I don't even have words to describe the incredible feeling I have within me...

*sigh*

I'm crying as I type this, and let me tell you - they are the happiest tears I've ever cried and I can't stop. I go from crying to laughing, to crying back to laughing. I sobbed on the phone with my Brother and Grandma before even leaving the parking lot of the Fertility office.. lol It has been an amazing day and I am truly blessed beyond anything I could possibly imagine ♥

What a day... Make that two days.

Where do I start!?! Uggg. Yesterday was a very difficult day emotionally, today was okay, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

***Warning - maybe a little TMI in the next paragraph***

Yesterday morning (wed) I had my alarm set for 5:20 to get up, get ready, and return to work from my vacation/family stuff. I woke up at 3am to pee, then again at about 4am to pee, only this time I notice blood when I wiped! I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking bright red blood. My heart dropped out of my chest and hit the bathroom floor. I freaked out, and had a mini meltdown right there on the damned toilet. I ran into the living room crying my eyes out and sobbing like a crazy woman, I called the Fertility office, left a message with the answering service... they said she would be paged immedeatly. They were not lying either, it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes and Dr. Laura was on the phone, sounding as dead asleep as ever... poor thing, she really is such an awesome doctor. I wish she could be my doctor for everything. The first thing she told me was that bleeding is common, as long as you are not gushing, with blood running down your leg and filling your shoe. It doesn't mean it should be dismissed, only that it's common, or been known to happen. I described the intensity and all that junk - I wasn't having cramps, so she told me to come in for a blood draw to test my HcG levels. Dr. Laura spoke to me for a while on the phone reassuring me that for the moment I was okay, she was really honest about everything that could possibly happen. She made me feel more focused, and I started to calm down.

I called my Job and let them know that I had to go to my doctor right away, and could not be there at 7. This was my first day back :/ I did not even have a chance to tell them that I was pregnant. This wasn't the way I'd planned on telling them, but hey, shit happens.

I felt emotional and defeated. I could not believe what was happening, and I could not believe for one second that this wasn't a miscarriage. I had one before, I know what it's like... After making the necessary phone calls I stayed in the living room crying, asking "why"? And pleading through my sobbing tears "please don't let this be anything" "please let this be nothing". I asked the Gods to let me keep this happiness that has been shown to me... I cried, and cried, and said I could not live this this kind of sadness... I was desperate, I didn't want to lose what we have tried for so long to achieve. I dried my eye's as much as I could and went back to bed, Josh mumbled "are you going to work", I said "No I am going to go to the Dr. because I'm bleeding a little bit", he asked if I was okay, I said "yes" quietly, trying to remain calm. I needed to sleep. He rubbed my back softly, and didn't ask questions. I'm certain he was thinking about it, but didn't want to stress me out, because he got up a little later...it wasn't a long time, but I knew he was as worried as I was. I slept for a few hours and was off to the Fertility office with my stomach dragging on the ground behind me- I was so scared.

At the Fertility office Dr. Laura examined me, felt around and poked on my belly; she didn't want to do a sonogram, because she was afraid it would be a little too early to see the sac, and she didn't want me to get discouraged by that. I got hugs from everyone, Jenica even came into the room when Dr. Laura was done, she didn't say a word just opened the door and gave me a big hug. *sigh* I love them all... they are amazing woman with big hearts. I left the office, text my boss to say I wasn't going to make it in that I'd bring a doctors note, and keep him updated. I went home, curled up on the couch and waited for that call. Josh was very cautious with words, sweet and observant. I love him so much...

Coral called later in the day to say that my Beta was 2665!! The numbers are right where they should be. Dr. Laura gave me the option to come in on Friday morning(tomorrow)to do an ultrasound for location of the sac. I feel relieved that I will not have to wait through the weekend. I will be 5 weeks and 4 days, so that's pretty close to the 6week mark, we should hopefully be able to see something. I'll get to go back for another sonogram next Tuesday. Even if we don't see anything tomorrow! And if we do see something then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat next Tuesday.

I have continued to spot, and bleed lightly throughout today. I feel better because it's not as bad as yesterday, but because it is still there my stomach feels nervous nonetheless... I'm not giving up hope!!!

#2 Beta is 372 :)

My Beta was great!! It went from 123 ---> 372 *sigh* I'm super happy, and Josh was very happy too! He pretty much sat there and stared at me the whole time I was on the phone with Coral, hehe. Just knowing the number went up gives us a great deal of hope! Our first Sonogram is on October 11th, it will mainly be to check the location of the sac. I'll be 6 weeks on that day, Eeek! Wow, it's still crazy to me. We are still being optimistic, and understand that anything could happen at this point, we are cautious yet so, soo happy! I continue to pee every hour on the hour in the mornings, and frequently throughout the day. lol

I am sad to report that Josh's Papa passed away this morning. I'm so grateful we had those moments with him... He will always be missed, and thought highly of, for generations to come <3
In the words of my Brother In-law - Joaquin Torrans:

Jug passed away this morning from a tumorous cancer near his spinal cord. He is survived by his wife, Gloria, their daughters, Irene, Sheila, and Kate, their husbands, Vernon, Bart, and Mark, 6 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren.

Jug was a descendent of Jacob Ryan, town father of Lake Charles, LA, where Jug was born, lived, and raised his family. A World War II veteran, Jug worked thirty years for PPG.

Surrounded by family and friends, Jug met his end with dignity, in the home he and his wife shared for most of their married life.

Rest in peace, Papa Ryan <3

Nervousness ensues :|

I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow :| ayi-yi-yie

My second Beta/HcG test is at 9am tomorrow, and I'll get the results back sometime in the afternoon (Friday). *shaking in my boots* I think I will probably feel sick until I get that call! The number needs to double from 123, or at least go up instead of down. I haven't been this nervous in a while, and I haven't been this nervous and pregnant so, I'm kinda freaking out a little bit in my head, lol. I'm cool though, for-real, just slightly dramatic at times :) I've been doing stuff all day to keep busy, and keep my mind off things, but now that I'm sitting down to relax, my mind automatically goes there, lol. I actually slept in until 10:00 this morning. For the last week I've been waking up starting at about 5am, and then I get up every hour to pee until I get up for good. I've always had a weak bladder so it comes as no surprise that "having to pee all the time" would be one of the "for-sure" symptom of pregnancy for me - lol. It does feel nice getting up earlier, so that's a plus. My boobs are still sore and heavy... Did I mention that my husband can't keep his eyes or hands off of them?!?! He's been very sweet - *sigh*, I can tell he is so happy and excited about this ♥

My fingers crossed for a Fabulous Beta tomorrow!!

Beta - No, not the fish.

"It's Fucking Positive" <---- Yesss, I know it's such bad language, but those were my exact words, and I feel that when you've waited as long as I have for this, you deserve to drop a few F-Bombs here and there. lol I'm Pregnant!! It's crazy and still feels unreal... *****If you read this blog, and/or are on my Facebook, please do not make any comments on my page or wall - It's means a lot*****

Some may ask why I'm blogging so early about this and the truth is... I choose to share here, because I honestly only have a few followers, I like to blog in real time (when things actually happen), just in-case things don't go smoothly, I still capture the realness of my life in blog-form. Plus, I can't not blog about this... my life is being written right now, and that is the beauty of my blog - It is real, honest, and a little raw sometimes! Since I do have people that have been reading, and following, I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I truly appreciate everyone's support through this journey! We've told our closest family, and a few close friends. (If you have not been told verbally and see it here I'm sorry- please don't take offense) It's hard trying to keep this a secret since everyone has been following along in our journey, and everyone pretty much knows when I start these days, lol! We are so happy and so freaking excited ♥

:How it went down:

I pulled up my big girl panties, and peed on the stick yesterday (27th & The Hub's Birthday) morning. I woke up at about 7:15 in the morning, got up to go pee, Josh was stumbling into the bathroom as I was stumbling out. He looked at my hand, and said "What's that"? I mumbled half asleep "The stupid pregnancy test, I'm going to set it on the dresser and wait" So there I am, sitting on our hotel room's chaise lounge, sitting as far away from the test as possible, thinking the worst lol. Josh is on the "John", I try to wait, but get so anxious that I can't wait any longer! I walk up to the dresser like I'm ready to fight it, I look down, see two lines, my mouth drops, my heart may have even skipped a beat - I am in complete shock, I feel elated, and nervous. Finally after 6 years we see a faint line, where I've for so long seen absolutely nothing. I starred at the test, put it up to the lamp to make sure I wasn't just seeing it in my head... I opened the bathroom door, shove my arm in with the test in hand, and scream "It's fucking positive" I can see Josh in the mirror, he looks confused... Then he laughed, and repeated my words to his self "it's fucking positive", he looked about as shocked, and surprised as I did. After barging in on him I went back to the chaise lounge, only this time I had the test right in front of me on the table... I just sat there and cried the happiest tears I have ever cried. When he came out of the bathroom, he looked at it more then gave me a huge hug :)



We are still in shock; a happy shock in all, but now we've moved on from the excited shock to the nervous two week wait that now begins. In about two weeks maybe a few days sooner, I'll go in for a sonogram to check and see if we can see the sac in the uterus, and make sure it's not in a tube or elsewhere :/ That would be devastating. I'm considered a very high risk for an ectopic pregnancy, so right now I don't think we'll be able to fully breath until we can see where it is... This morning I went in to the Fertility office at 9am, to get my first Beta/HCG test. It was great because Coral just got new pregnancy tests in, and offered to let me be a guinea pig and test them out for free, hehehe. All three, two urinary, and 1 blood test, came out positive!!! On Friday morning I'll go back into the office, and have the test (Beta/HCG) done again (48 hours later). They want to make sure the number doubles from today. Eeeek! I still can't believe I'm even typing this... I feel like an "impostor", hehe. The second test will let them know that it's progressing the right way, that cells are dividing, and it will also kind of helps us determine if it's in the right location...if the number doesn't change. I'm so happy, and so darn nervous that I could once again, throw up, hahaha.

Jenica just called --- Eeeeek!!! My BETA is 123... I asked if that was good, she said "That's fantastic" *sigh* My heart, and brain are on cloud nine - ♥

Great Papa & The end of the 2WW

I'm sitting here in our Hotel room watching, and listening to my husband snooze away pretty hard core! The room is dark, chilly and quiet... I like it. He's had a difficult last few days. We went to lunch after spending the morning with his Papa, he had 4 beers, and the waitress gave him a shot on the house. She was really sweet, and full of Louisiana charm. I'm enjoying the quiet time right now, and I'm glad to know he's actually sleeping, whether it's alcohol induced or not, he hasn't slept well the last few nights. Besides, Josh has never been a big drinker so I don't mind if he indulges a little more right now, give the situation. He has never lost anyone really... I mean maybe a few great aunts and great uncles, but all of his Grandparents are still currently living.

We travel to Lake Charles, Louisiana about once a year to see all of Josh's family. We originally had a trip planed the first week of October (next week) Josh's Mom called Thursday to say we may want to travel to Lake Charles sooner rather then later, because His Papa ("Jug" - George Washington Ryan III), was sent home with Hospice care, and not expected to have much time left. We drove down on Friday, and have been over everyday since we got here. This morning seemed hard for him. It's strange to watch someone go, and even more difficult to fully explain all the emotions that run though your mind. Josh was by his side, and held his hand all morning. He's not even really my Papa by blood, but it brings tears to my eyes at times, and reminds me of when I had to let go of my own Papa so long ago :/ Jug has lived such a long and full life, he has been such a great example of a human being to all that he meets, all his children and grandchildren. I think just watching my husband hold back tears of his own sadness in order to be strong for his now weak Papa, is really what makes me cry. It's a softer side of Josh that I forget is there. Josh, like most men, doesn't show his emotions often, yet somehow I can always tell when he's fighting to keep a straight face. *sigh* I only feel sad for everyone's heart, and how much they will truly miss him when he is no longer here, he's always been such a funny guy :) He is moving onto a new journey... To say it is unfair for him to go, would be an inappropriate statement, because he was blessed with 93, relatively healthy years of life that involved family, laughter and true friendships... He is a great man, or as Miranda would say he is "Great Papa"!

On a fertility note - Tomorrow is exactly two weeks since the actual IUI.. Eeeek!!

The last 4 mornings as soon as I wake up I want to immediately take a PG test, but somehow I have managed to control myself. How?!?! Probably only because we are not home, and we have everything else going on to keep my mind off that particular subject. If you were to ask me a week ago if I thought it worked, I would have said yes, if you ask me yesterday I would have said no, if you ask me now, I'd say maybe. My brain is going to explode soon - Humph... I hate this whole waiting part. My nips are still tender, I have not felt nauseous like I did with the apple those two days in a row, but I have felt tired...ugh - who knows. Everyone here in Lake Charles has been looking curiously at me, and asking me things like "is there a baby in there" or "Any News" - Ahhhhh. I can feel them all wondering, hehe.

Tomorrow (Josh's 31st Birthday) I'm taking a PG test for sure! I've had two of them stashed in my purse for over a week and half now, lol. I'm so nervous about taking taking them I could throw up, and I just know my heart will be broken if I get a negative :/ The first morning I woke up and wanted to take one, I got up to go pee had the stick in hand and then put it back up, I went back to bed, fell into a light sleep, and dreamed that I peed on a PG test and got two lines... When I woke up, I was so happy and excited, lol I thought it was a sign! Everything these day's is a sign. If we did get knocked up we'll have a June Baby! Neither Josh or myself has family with a June Birthday :) That's my sign this time around... hahahaha Like I said, there is always a sign when you are TTC. So yes, test tomorrow... I kind of want to wait until either I'm late (by wed) or until we are home from Louisiana before testing, so I don't have to be sad and depressed here, or overjoyed and unable to share my news. I don't know that announcing a pregnancy when someone is passing on, is an appropriate time for that kinda thing, but I can't take the waiting any longer. And I'm not going to share with the world, but I will with my family because they have been with us every step of the way!! They pretty much know when I start now, hahaha

Tomorrow my period is due! I'm pretty sure if I am pregnant it would show up on a test, I don't really feel like I'm going to start tomorrow; so I'm going to pull up my big girl panties, and pee on the damn stick. If it's negative, then it's negative... I will be sad, I will want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a week, I will hate my body, I will hate everything, but once I cry it all out, I will move forward, and get over it with time. I am ready! And, we will try again if this round didn't work. I honestly don't think I've been this nervous about taking a pregnancy test, since that very first round of Clomid. My cycle was way late, I tested and tested - nothing... I was broken hearted, and tortured with fake pregnancy symptoms, only to find out it was a cyst that eventually ruptured. *sigh* - Waiting is such a sucky process, haha. I don't want those feelings of sadness, and loss of hope to come back, and steal away my excitement... Ahhhhh I'm ready to just - let it be

My fingers, eye's, toes and legs are crossed for two lines in the morning. *please, oh please, oh... please with sugar on top - let this be our month*!!

Hummmm

Okay.. So I'm starting to obsess a little bit. Hahahha

This morning I woke up like I always do, got my glass of water, ate my apple, then took my vitamins. Then 15 minutes later my stomach started to hurt, this time I threw everything up, vitamins and apple. Hummmmm. My nips are still super sensitive. I'm going to ask Coral on Tuesday, what's the earliest time I can test. *Fingers crossed*

Have a great weekend everyone!!

IUI & The 2ww *tapping fingers*

Soooo, Josh and I got the IUI done on Tuesday morning September 13th (Sarah's birthday) !! It was an emotional morning to say the least... even though we scrubbed the floor the day before, we were each still feeling a little tense and on edge that morning. So it was another tear filled morning of stressed emotions, hurt feelings, and overemotional-whackness, haha. I'm laughing because while we waited for his "ammunition" to be washed and counted, we sat in the waiting room of the ART's office quietly bickered back and forth. The lady behind the window closed the glass when I turned in the paperwork, I think she knew we needed a few minutes of alone time by the look on my face. It didn't even phase her, I'm sure she's seen this time and time again. Tears are streaming down my face, my nose was stopping up, and all I could think was "Good lord, I don't want them to see me like this, what if they think we can't handle this". Lucky for us no one else was in the waiting room, and by the time we were handed the "ammunition", and walked down the hall to the fertility office, I began to cease crying all together, I needed to suck it up and stop being a sap because, this was not the way I wanted to remember *The day we may or may not have gotten knocked up* - I guess either way I'll remember it. Ughhh. I hate feeling out of control, when my only response to everything is crying - I curse you Letrozole, I need you, but you are evil, very evil... hummphhh :/

Once we were in the Fertility office I started feeling better, more excited, I guess you could say. I wanted to be happy, I hated that my body was at the peak of this emotional roller-coaster, and all I could feel was craziness. Jenica was not there, which normally I would have been sad about, but since my face was all red and puffy from crying; I decided it was a good thing she wasn't there that day. Coral immediately said, "are you okay" when she saw me, I laughed, said it was a bit of an emotional morning, but that I was okay, and we were okay, just ready to get going. She's so sweet... I guess we're probably not the only "emotional" couple they've seen. I mean it is a fertility office ,and we are being pumped with drugs that cause us imbalances. Hahaha, we have nothing to worry about! (That's what I tell myself to feel better, lol) Josh and I got situated in the little room that I always seem to be in. I had to drop my drawers, and wait on the table with a little paper sheet tucked all around me, those things are never big enough. Josh just kind of sat there watching my every move, very quite, and intermittently starring at the floor. I wondered what was going through his head as he watched me tuck my panties under my neatly folded jeans, only to shove all of that under my purse, pull out a magical pair of socks, and slap them puppies on my feet faster than you could blink - My feet get really cold in those stirrups, plus my toes were looking a little rough, so it's best to just bring socks. If he understood the way's of the woman, he would have saw me as a pro that day :) Dr. Laura came in and asked if everything was okay, she knew I had been upset by my puffy face. This time Josh and I both laughed, I could feel the tension leaving our bodies, I said it sucks that I can never hide if I've been crying because, my face, and eyes stay red for at least a good 30 minutes after being tearful. We talked about my symptoms from the Letrozole, the hot-flashes, headaches and emotional craziness - She said the meds were probably working really well, since I was "feeling" so much, which made me happy... and made all of us laugh. Dr. Laura is great, she understand the emotions that we feel and she makes Josh feel just as important! In this situation men are greatly affected too, it's hard knowing how to comfort that and recognize it.

The IUI process didn't take long at all; basically it was like a long and really intense pap-smear, lot's of pressure, but completely painless. She got the ammunition/swim team ready, then asked Josh if he wanted to do the injection part! His eye's got really bright, and he said "Do I get to look", with much excitement in his voice, I felt slightly like an lab animal, lol. At the same time I was truly happy inside that he didn't hesitate to do it *sigh* - That's my Pnut! He had 2 Hands in it that day (inside joke, hehe) I stayed there on the table for a bit, then we were free to go. And...Baam!!! - Just like that we may have made a baby. *giggle* Wow... I would seriously piss myself if this works and I'm not joking... I've got a weak bladder from the Endo, hahaha.

When we left the clinic there was a certain relief that overcame both of us, it was so peaceful compared to what were feeling in the days leading up to this. The hard part was over. He could breath, and finally go home to take that nap he wanted so badly, and I could stop obsessing over whether or not I timed the LH surge right. IUI's are all about timing. Once we got home I had to do something to keep my mind from thinking too much about it. That is soo stressful and I hate obsessing. I finished painting a tree in the bathroom that I've been working on for, ohhhhh.. a few months now. Well, actually I painted the trunk part and stopped, it looked pretty ridiculous without branches. I was feeling very motivated after the IUI!! I did the tree, and also put up my painted letters in the kitchen that I'd painted the day before. It felt really nice to be crafty and to actually finish a project I had started.

I'm currently at 5-DPI (5 Days Past Insemination)!! I have to go back into the office on Tuesday to get a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. I'm pretty certain that I did... The two week mark, is the Tuesday after that, which is also Josh's Birthday. Hehehe. It makes me giggle. I've had a few "phantom" symptoms that could point to pregnancy, but in all honesty it's waaaay to early to tell. Plus my body and mind is in-tune to any slight change, so I'm noticing everything. The one symptom I'm having, but I don't always get, is the "sore nipples", I got this with my very first round of Clomid, but never had it on the other 3 rounds. I also took my vitamins this morning and they made me feel sick for about 5 minutes. I was getting ready for work when my stomach started to feel sick, and I felt like I could taste the vitamins... but then it was gone. I've been taking these vitamins for a year now and they've never made me feel that way. Ayi yi-yi - So you see, I could totally freak out on these feelings, but I can't... until I take a HPT and get a positive line, I'm not going to allow myself to obsess over every little feeling I get. It's not healthy for me because, then my body will start producing all types of symptoms just to mess with me, that is theeee worst. I've been there, done that, felt that, and don't plan to wade in that deep just yet :)

This evening we had our first rain in months, *sigh* - It has been so long in fact, that I don't even remember the last time it rained. It was a downpour, gloriously gloomy downpour, and I loved it. When I got home from work, Josh said that Teddy also looooved the rain, that it took 2 towels to dry him off :) Teddy is fitting in nicely with our little family, and starting to look like a healthy dog once again! We are so glad he found us ♥ Tomorrow night I'm going out to Celebrate my very good friend Sarah's Birthday!! We've celebrated every Birthday together since 21.. We are only 6 months apart in age and she's the older one, lol. I can't wait to go out, and be a Designated Driver!! It's so strange going out and not having a drink. I'm totally cool with it, but it's still odd sometimes, *giggle* I feel really good about this month!

Sometimes you need to scrub the floor together...

First things first - I got my LH surge today, it was a fabulously dark pink line, and a little earlier than expected! It was dark almost immediately, which made me all giddy inside *giggle*. Soooo, we are scheduled for the IUI *Turkey Basting Method* at 10am Tuesday morning. Josh has to be at the ART (Assisted Reproduction Technology) office at 8:45 to give his "swim-team" sample. I am so hopeful, and nervous all at the same time that it makes me tear up when I think about it! ♥ Most of all I feel good and ready to accept whatever way this turns out!

I stopped at Hobby Lobby today and bought wooden letter's, and paint to make something crafty for my kitchen! The pictures show's the letters on my floor,because I have not had a chance to hang them yet. If felt refreshing to be crafty :)

Now onto the last few days... In a quick summary (since I need to get to sleep soon), Josh and I had our first real infertility argument/fight/silent treatment- whatever you want to call it. It was much needed, but not fun in any way shape, or form. Let's just say that sensitivity has been at all time highs for the both of us over the last few weeks. It has obviously been more intense the last few days, lol. I had no idea this infertility stuff would affect him as much as it has. He would probably disagree about that sentence, and then again he could be right, lol. It could just be all me, but I don't think that's the case. He thinks I'm the source of all the sensitivity, hahaha. I'm probably the larger emitter of emotional instability currently, but he's riding this wave too. lol Needless to say... some things were said, feelings were hurt and disregarded on both sides, something along the lines of "You only want me for my sperm" was said; which was the wrong thing to say to a woman who's been riding a hormonal wave of craziness for the past two weeks. Ugh... I had to work that day too, I hate those kind of days. I cried all morning and then he came home with Halloween costumes for the dogs, I couldn't be mad anymore, but yet I was I was in a mood that was quite unbreakable, Oh-booooy... once again, poor Josh - And bless his soul for putting up with me. I sent him an email from work, basically freaking out about what he said, saying we shouldn't do the IUI if he felt that way I was the true meaning of a "mess" hahaha. He's right, I am crazy.

The awkward emotional tension lasted through the night and into this morning... Then I peed on my stick, got the line I've been waiting for, called the fertility office and felt my adrenalin start to move again. I went into the laundry room, grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the dog area and reorganizing. I needed to do something to keep my mind of shit. I swept, and quietly cried tears of happiness as I dreamed of this thing actually working. I'n the middle of my tear-filled fantasizing he popped his head around the corner and offered to clean the grout, I was suddenly smitten and all softhearted. He was my Pnut again, and sweet and not afraid of his crazy wife, even that made me cry. I offered to be of assistance, then we were both on the floor scrubbing on our hands and knees. We scrubbed away the anger from the days before, laughed and began to feel the intense wave of emotion subsiding ever so much. If felt great, I felt like I could breath, like we could breath together once again, and that we knew where we were in the whole scheme of things. We both needed today... exactly the way it was ♥