Pushing yourself through the day...

It is finally Sunday (my Friday), and I am doing better than I was...

Yesterday I started to laugh a bit more, I forced myself to catch up on shows that have been collecting, I watered the plants on my patio, I avoided most friend and human contact. I felt cooped up, but could not bring myself to do a single productive thing other than the watering of the plants, and only because Josh insisted. Josh has remained optimistic, and hopeful about the whole situation; which helps me a great deal. I still have moments where, if I stop, and really think about it, I get sad with fear, and tears fill my eyes. I'm getting better. I continue to talk to my little bean at night, when I shower, take a bath, and when I'm alone. I rub my stomach, in hopes that my little bean will feel my touch, and know that I'm here for it. My prayers are that his/her little heartbeat is beating faster and faster each day.

I emailed Bart and Sheila, told my Grandmother, and Brother about what's going on and my friend Sarah. I've kept this news relatively quiet for the most part. Yesterday, my Brother called me up to say a prayer over the phone, wow. My Brother, and his continued sobriety is truly a Gift from the God's above. It felt so strange being on the other end with my brother, usually I'm the one consoling him, telling him it will be okay, that God is looking out for him, or talking him through difficult times. Yesterday he was that for me, and I appreciated it more than my words can express.

I called the Fertility office on Friday morning, and asked for my ultrasound to be moved up to Tuesday, since I'm off and Josh is off. I have have absolutely no sick time left since I had to have surgery back in July, so trying to get through all of this with no sick time is really proving to be difficult. I'm so anxious right now, it feels like I have a brick sitting in my gut. I'm remaining calm, cool and collected, for the most part... but there is this small part of me going crazy with each passing hour. The "unknown" is torturous, *sigh*. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes so we'll know more about which direction this is all heading.

Regardless of what happens I know we will survive. . .