Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!