Feeling Anxious!

Okay, I'm just going to say it. . . Where the hell is Winter? It was freaking 75 degrees today and it is January *stomps feet* :| I feel totally jipped and robbed of my precious dreary days, and frosty nights *sigh* Not cool Mother Nature. . .

Not cool :|

I feel like I've been avoiding my blog a bit. Not that I haven't had anything to say, because I have. . . I've just had a lot going on in my head. So much, that I could barely even get my Vegas blog out. My brain was cluttered up with so many other thoughts and feelings. Goodness.

I have been feeling anxious and restless... Oh, and you can add a bucket of anger along with it. Some mornings I wake up in a pissed off mood, still angry at what transpired in November. Angry that we have to go through this all over again. I hate feeling that way, but I can't push it away anymore, I have to feel it until there is nothing left to feel. The last few months have been really hard since the miscarriage, I feel like I have pushed certain feelings aside in order to make it through daily life without being a depressed mess. Hell - just making it through the Holidays was a job. It has been hard, harder than I have recently cared to admit.

Small amounts of excitement have started to creep back in to my heart. . . I officially have only a week and a few days until I finish my Birth Control. Eeek! I will call the Fertility office on CD 1, go in for my baseline ultrasound on CD 3, hopefully all will look good and I can pick up my Letrozole and be on our way to IUI # 2. Fingers are crossed that there are no speed bumps. I'm over speed bumps and ready to get this show on the road.

I admit that it feels kind of strange being weeks away from doing another IUI. . . Weren't we just there a few months ago? It already feels different this time. I feel like a wounded warrior going back into battle. This time going in, I will not let me heart be hurt so easily. I will guard my self and my thoughts as best as I can. It feels like it all happened yesterday, and yet it will be three months on Feb 9th. My poor little Bean. So many things are running through my head, I have never felt so vulnerable. I'm feeling deep emotions and lots of them. I am excited, fearful, hopeful, nervous and scared to death all at the same time. It feels like I'm riding huge waves of emotions the closer we get. I want so badly for it to work again, just like it did last time. I pray that if it does work, that it sticks. . . I am so afraid of another loss. My heart can't take much more. All I can do is think positively and if it doesn't work we'll try one more time.

I recently started Video Blogging and created a Youtube Channel :) For anyone that wants to follow along, please do! And if any of you ladies out there Video Blog let me know - I'd love to follow your stories as well!!

Vegas Baby!!

Vegas was "Awesomeness - to tha' max", as my friend Misty you would say. It feels like it went by so quickly, and to be honest it did. We needed one more day, lol.

We'll definitely go back someday!

Josh and I had a great time *sigh* We were up at about 5am Sat morning, hahaha. Because of the time change we were a little off in our sleep schedule, and when I opened my eyes for the first time that morning that was it... there was no falling back to sleep. I got up, got ready, and we were out walking the Vegas strip by 7:30 in the morning! It was really, really cold. The views were amazing!! We walked soooo much that we both had blisters, and Josh's pinky toenail started to dig into his other toe. It was not pretty, but he was really great about it. We put a band aid on it, rested our feet for a bit, played a few bucks on the penny slots, and we were back out. There is nothing worse than having a wound, or blister on your foot when you have to walk everywhere, lol. I was that way on Friday night when we got there! hahaha I was in heels and after a few hours we were searching for flip flops - Oops I forgot my flats :| Never forget your flats. Your feet will hate you if you try and do Vegas in cute sassy heels.. Just don't, no one will be looking at your feet anyway!

We saw the Bellagio fountains, and let me just say that it brought tears to my eyes, seriously. It was so beautiful to watch and the music that goes along... *sigh* I don' know if I just needed to cry or what, but it moved me. We did a lot sightseeing during the day on Sat, took a ride up to the top of the Eiffel Tower, walked almost the entire strip, gambled on the slots a little here and there... And I still feel worn out from everything, lol.

Anna was Beautiful and Jim was calm and collected, things got a bit stressful right before the wedding, but all was well in the end :) The wedding was sweet ♥ I cried like a baby, lol. I knew that would happen *sigh* I'm so happy for them!!! And, I'm grateful that we had the opportunity to be apart of everything!

Here are a few pics!!

The Hotel we stayed at was Ballys - Great location!

OMG We're in Vegas!!

Going to Dinner!

The view from our room *sigh* it was so pretty!

The top of the Eiffel Tower

My Name :)

At the Bellagio Fountains

Vegas at night!

It was a blast!!
Never, never take the red-eye home from Vegas... We left the reception Sat night and went to the airport to catch our 12:54am flight...we were like Zombies walking through the airport. I told Josh that the people looking at us probably though by the looks of us that we'd partied our asses off, haha
But we really didn't, lol. Can't wait to go back!!

8 Day's until Vegas!!

We leave for Vegas in 8 days!!

And. . . I can't believe my Best friend "since before we had boobs" is finally getting married!! I'm sooo excited for her! ! ! Eeeek ♥

She informed me that she and Jim will be trying for a baby in February. Uggg... I will admit; that was a lot to swallow. She brought it up by asking me which is the best prenatal vitamin to take, I really don't like it when people beat around the bush. Just freaking say what you have to say, lol. I I truly wish them the best!!! I hope it doesn't take her long, and I hope I am able to contain all of my emotional feelings if she gets pregnant before I do. I will survive no matter what :) I'm super excited for her ♥ Maybe we'll get pregnant at the same time, that would truly be the most amazing thing ever. lol We are trying again in Feb, but she didn't ask when we were going to try again so I didn't tell her. It would have been nice of her to ask me about it, but I'm sorta getting used to people not asking me anything, but it still sucks. The plan is to keep it to ourselves, so I will stick with that. We'll let our parents know, just in case we need a support system if things go badly, but everyone else will have to wait. I think I may be more excited about the IUI in February than I am about Vegas, lol.

Endometriosis Pictures

The pictures below are from my own surgery in July 2011. I wanted to post them when I had surgery, but I never got around to it. I found them a few days back and thought I'd share for any of my Endo Ladies out there. They are kinda gross, kinda neat, kind not-so cool, but overall they are informative for others. It is interesting to see the body from inside.
* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

I was supposed to just have a cyst taken off my left ovary, they were going to "look" to see if there was any Endo. They wound up finding Stage IV Endometriosis :| Everything was stuck together, I have a ton of scar tissue, and the left side is pretty much crap-ola. I was told I have a partially frozen pelvis, meaning it's crap, crap, crap!! I'm learning to accept this :) It is the reason for my infertility, so when I'm mad at my "IF" struggles, I get mad at Endo - Errrr! !

I hope the pictures are not offensive to anyone !!

* * * *Not for those with a weak stomach* * * *

Uterus in the middle, left ovary and fallopian tube covered in adhesion's - stuck to side bowl wall, ligaments and Fallopian tube on right side, ligaments covered in adhesion's. Filmy pink stretchy looking stuff is all adhesion's and scar tissue

Right Ovary with Endo on surface, small spots, adhesion's behind ovary and fallopian tube. Lot's of scar tissue, but not in the way of the tube opening, yet.

Left side view of uterus and left ovary. Black/Dark area is "blood sausage" a blood sac around my ovary, and tube opening. Lots of scar tissue/ adhesion's. everything on that side is stuck to the to the side of my intestines

On the left you see the blood sac at the bottom of my huge left ovary. On the right you see adhesion's and my right ovary with Endo spots. All the red filmy looking stuff is scar tissue and adhesion's

The Blood sac being cut away from my tube

My poor left tube free of the blood sac, but mangled and all twisted up.

The cyst within my ovary being destroyed. They could not get all of it, so it will eventually grow back into a monster. Uggg.

Dear, 2011. . .

Dear 2011, I will admit that you offered a few blessings in disguise, but overall you were unkind, unfair, and a little too tricky for me! - How rude!! I'm glad we're breaking up. I welcome 2012 with a hopeful yet cautious heart ♥ and I am ready for Blessings even if I have to fight to receive them.

I want to also wish all of my Family and Friends a blessed New Year full of Happiness, Laughter, Love, Strength, Hugs, Kisses, Smiles, and most of all - Good Health ♥

I hope you enjoy the picture of my Daisy-Doo bringing in the New Year!!

Creme de la Creme 2011

I am a member/Fan of - The Stirrup Queen's Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer and every year they do a Creme De la Creme list of the best blogs from the ALI (Adoption/loss/infertility) community.

This is the first year that I added one of my own blog posts to the list! It is an interesting community of woman, and I am so grateful to have found this group. The Creme De la Creme 2011 list is up! I thought I'd share it here with my Blog friends :) For those of you who've never heard of it please check it out, because you never know what you'll find over there. The one thing I can assure you of is that you are not alone in your struggle. There are many woman out there in your same boat or have been in your shoes, and made it to the other side with their sanity still somewhat intact!!

My post was number 131.

You are supposed to pick the Blog post that you feel was your best! Although I don't feel this was my best or most poetic blog post - it was the most honest post I'd made. My post was about going through the process of a miscarriage. . . I needed to get it out, so writing about it help a great deal.