#2 Beta is 372 :)

My Beta was great!! It went from 123 ---> 372 *sigh* I'm super happy, and Josh was very happy too! He pretty much sat there and stared at me the whole time I was on the phone with Coral, hehe. Just knowing the number went up gives us a great deal of hope! Our first Sonogram is on October 11th, it will mainly be to check the location of the sac. I'll be 6 weeks on that day, Eeek! Wow, it's still crazy to me. We are still being optimistic, and understand that anything could happen at this point, we are cautious yet so, soo happy! I continue to pee every hour on the hour in the mornings, and frequently throughout the day. lol

I am sad to report that Josh's Papa passed away this morning. I'm so grateful we had those moments with him... He will always be missed, and thought highly of, for generations to come <3
In the words of my Brother In-law - Joaquin Torrans:

Jug passed away this morning from a tumorous cancer near his spinal cord. He is survived by his wife, Gloria, their daughters, Irene, Sheila, and Kate, their husbands, Vernon, Bart, and Mark, 6 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren.

Jug was a descendent of Jacob Ryan, town father of Lake Charles, LA, where Jug was born, lived, and raised his family. A World War II veteran, Jug worked thirty years for PPG.

Surrounded by family and friends, Jug met his end with dignity, in the home he and his wife shared for most of their married life.

Rest in peace, Papa Ryan <3

Nervousness ensues :|

I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow :| ayi-yi-yie

My second Beta/HcG test is at 9am tomorrow, and I'll get the results back sometime in the afternoon (Friday). *shaking in my boots* I think I will probably feel sick until I get that call! The number needs to double from 123, or at least go up instead of down. I haven't been this nervous in a while, and I haven't been this nervous and pregnant so, I'm kinda freaking out a little bit in my head, lol. I'm cool though, for-real, just slightly dramatic at times :) I've been doing stuff all day to keep busy, and keep my mind off things, but now that I'm sitting down to relax, my mind automatically goes there, lol. I actually slept in until 10:00 this morning. For the last week I've been waking up starting at about 5am, and then I get up every hour to pee until I get up for good. I've always had a weak bladder so it comes as no surprise that "having to pee all the time" would be one of the "for-sure" symptom of pregnancy for me - lol. It does feel nice getting up earlier, so that's a plus. My boobs are still sore and heavy... Did I mention that my husband can't keep his eyes or hands off of them?!?! He's been very sweet - *sigh*, I can tell he is so happy and excited about this ♥

My fingers crossed for a Fabulous Beta tomorrow!!

Beta - No, not the fish.

"It's Fucking Positive" <---- Yesss, I know it's such bad language, but those were my exact words, and I feel that when you've waited as long as I have for this, you deserve to drop a few F-Bombs here and there. lol I'm Pregnant!! It's crazy and still feels unreal... *****If you read this blog, and/or are on my Facebook, please do not make any comments on my page or wall - It's means a lot*****

Some may ask why I'm blogging so early about this and the truth is... I choose to share here, because I honestly only have a few followers, I like to blog in real time (when things actually happen), just in-case things don't go smoothly, I still capture the realness of my life in blog-form. Plus, I can't not blog about this... my life is being written right now, and that is the beauty of my blog - It is real, honest, and a little raw sometimes! Since I do have people that have been reading, and following, I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I truly appreciate everyone's support through this journey! We've told our closest family, and a few close friends. (If you have not been told verbally and see it here I'm sorry- please don't take offense) It's hard trying to keep this a secret since everyone has been following along in our journey, and everyone pretty much knows when I start these days, lol! We are so happy and so freaking excited ♥

:How it went down:

I pulled up my big girl panties, and peed on the stick yesterday (27th & The Hub's Birthday) morning. I woke up at about 7:15 in the morning, got up to go pee, Josh was stumbling into the bathroom as I was stumbling out. He looked at my hand, and said "What's that"? I mumbled half asleep "The stupid pregnancy test, I'm going to set it on the dresser and wait" So there I am, sitting on our hotel room's chaise lounge, sitting as far away from the test as possible, thinking the worst lol. Josh is on the "John", I try to wait, but get so anxious that I can't wait any longer! I walk up to the dresser like I'm ready to fight it, I look down, see two lines, my mouth drops, my heart may have even skipped a beat - I am in complete shock, I feel elated, and nervous. Finally after 6 years we see a faint line, where I've for so long seen absolutely nothing. I starred at the test, put it up to the lamp to make sure I wasn't just seeing it in my head... I opened the bathroom door, shove my arm in with the test in hand, and scream "It's fucking positive" I can see Josh in the mirror, he looks confused... Then he laughed, and repeated my words to his self "it's fucking positive", he looked about as shocked, and surprised as I did. After barging in on him I went back to the chaise lounge, only this time I had the test right in front of me on the table... I just sat there and cried the happiest tears I have ever cried. When he came out of the bathroom, he looked at it more then gave me a huge hug :)



We are still in shock; a happy shock in all, but now we've moved on from the excited shock to the nervous two week wait that now begins. In about two weeks maybe a few days sooner, I'll go in for a sonogram to check and see if we can see the sac in the uterus, and make sure it's not in a tube or elsewhere :/ That would be devastating. I'm considered a very high risk for an ectopic pregnancy, so right now I don't think we'll be able to fully breath until we can see where it is... This morning I went in to the Fertility office at 9am, to get my first Beta/HCG test. It was great because Coral just got new pregnancy tests in, and offered to let me be a guinea pig and test them out for free, hehehe. All three, two urinary, and 1 blood test, came out positive!!! On Friday morning I'll go back into the office, and have the test (Beta/HCG) done again (48 hours later). They want to make sure the number doubles from today. Eeeek! I still can't believe I'm even typing this... I feel like an "impostor", hehe. The second test will let them know that it's progressing the right way, that cells are dividing, and it will also kind of helps us determine if it's in the right location...if the number doesn't change. I'm so happy, and so darn nervous that I could once again, throw up, hahaha.

Jenica just called --- Eeeeek!!! My BETA is 123... I asked if that was good, she said "That's fantastic" *sigh* My heart, and brain are on cloud nine - ♥

Great Papa & The end of the 2WW

I'm sitting here in our Hotel room watching, and listening to my husband snooze away pretty hard core! The room is dark, chilly and quiet... I like it. He's had a difficult last few days. We went to lunch after spending the morning with his Papa, he had 4 beers, and the waitress gave him a shot on the house. She was really sweet, and full of Louisiana charm. I'm enjoying the quiet time right now, and I'm glad to know he's actually sleeping, whether it's alcohol induced or not, he hasn't slept well the last few nights. Besides, Josh has never been a big drinker so I don't mind if he indulges a little more right now, give the situation. He has never lost anyone really... I mean maybe a few great aunts and great uncles, but all of his Grandparents are still currently living.

We travel to Lake Charles, Louisiana about once a year to see all of Josh's family. We originally had a trip planed the first week of October (next week) Josh's Mom called Thursday to say we may want to travel to Lake Charles sooner rather then later, because His Papa ("Jug" - George Washington Ryan III), was sent home with Hospice care, and not expected to have much time left. We drove down on Friday, and have been over everyday since we got here. This morning seemed hard for him. It's strange to watch someone go, and even more difficult to fully explain all the emotions that run though your mind. Josh was by his side, and held his hand all morning. He's not even really my Papa by blood, but it brings tears to my eyes at times, and reminds me of when I had to let go of my own Papa so long ago :/ Jug has lived such a long and full life, he has been such a great example of a human being to all that he meets, all his children and grandchildren. I think just watching my husband hold back tears of his own sadness in order to be strong for his now weak Papa, is really what makes me cry. It's a softer side of Josh that I forget is there. Josh, like most men, doesn't show his emotions often, yet somehow I can always tell when he's fighting to keep a straight face. *sigh* I only feel sad for everyone's heart, and how much they will truly miss him when he is no longer here, he's always been such a funny guy :) He is moving onto a new journey... To say it is unfair for him to go, would be an inappropriate statement, because he was blessed with 93, relatively healthy years of life that involved family, laughter and true friendships... He is a great man, or as Miranda would say he is "Great Papa"!

On a fertility note - Tomorrow is exactly two weeks since the actual IUI.. Eeeek!!

The last 4 mornings as soon as I wake up I want to immediately take a PG test, but somehow I have managed to control myself. How?!?! Probably only because we are not home, and we have everything else going on to keep my mind off that particular subject. If you were to ask me a week ago if I thought it worked, I would have said yes, if you ask me yesterday I would have said no, if you ask me now, I'd say maybe. My brain is going to explode soon - Humph... I hate this whole waiting part. My nips are still tender, I have not felt nauseous like I did with the apple those two days in a row, but I have felt tired...ugh - who knows. Everyone here in Lake Charles has been looking curiously at me, and asking me things like "is there a baby in there" or "Any News" - Ahhhhh. I can feel them all wondering, hehe.

Tomorrow (Josh's 31st Birthday) I'm taking a PG test for sure! I've had two of them stashed in my purse for over a week and half now, lol. I'm so nervous about taking taking them I could throw up, and I just know my heart will be broken if I get a negative :/ The first morning I woke up and wanted to take one, I got up to go pee had the stick in hand and then put it back up, I went back to bed, fell into a light sleep, and dreamed that I peed on a PG test and got two lines... When I woke up, I was so happy and excited, lol I thought it was a sign! Everything these day's is a sign. If we did get knocked up we'll have a June Baby! Neither Josh or myself has family with a June Birthday :) That's my sign this time around... hahahaha Like I said, there is always a sign when you are TTC. So yes, test tomorrow... I kind of want to wait until either I'm late (by wed) or until we are home from Louisiana before testing, so I don't have to be sad and depressed here, or overjoyed and unable to share my news. I don't know that announcing a pregnancy when someone is passing on, is an appropriate time for that kinda thing, but I can't take the waiting any longer. And I'm not going to share with the world, but I will with my family because they have been with us every step of the way!! They pretty much know when I start now, hahaha

Tomorrow my period is due! I'm pretty sure if I am pregnant it would show up on a test, I don't really feel like I'm going to start tomorrow; so I'm going to pull up my big girl panties, and pee on the damn stick. If it's negative, then it's negative... I will be sad, I will want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a week, I will hate my body, I will hate everything, but once I cry it all out, I will move forward, and get over it with time. I am ready! And, we will try again if this round didn't work. I honestly don't think I've been this nervous about taking a pregnancy test, since that very first round of Clomid. My cycle was way late, I tested and tested - nothing... I was broken hearted, and tortured with fake pregnancy symptoms, only to find out it was a cyst that eventually ruptured. *sigh* - Waiting is such a sucky process, haha. I don't want those feelings of sadness, and loss of hope to come back, and steal away my excitement... Ahhhhh I'm ready to just - let it be

My fingers, eye's, toes and legs are crossed for two lines in the morning. *please, oh please, oh... please with sugar on top - let this be our month*!!

Hummmm

Okay.. So I'm starting to obsess a little bit. Hahahha

This morning I woke up like I always do, got my glass of water, ate my apple, then took my vitamins. Then 15 minutes later my stomach started to hurt, this time I threw everything up, vitamins and apple. Hummmmm. My nips are still super sensitive. I'm going to ask Coral on Tuesday, what's the earliest time I can test. *Fingers crossed*

Have a great weekend everyone!!

IUI & The 2ww *tapping fingers*

Soooo, Josh and I got the IUI done on Tuesday morning September 13th (Sarah's birthday) !! It was an emotional morning to say the least... even though we scrubbed the floor the day before, we were each still feeling a little tense and on edge that morning. So it was another tear filled morning of stressed emotions, hurt feelings, and overemotional-whackness, haha. I'm laughing because while we waited for his "ammunition" to be washed and counted, we sat in the waiting room of the ART's office quietly bickered back and forth. The lady behind the window closed the glass when I turned in the paperwork, I think she knew we needed a few minutes of alone time by the look on my face. It didn't even phase her, I'm sure she's seen this time and time again. Tears are streaming down my face, my nose was stopping up, and all I could think was "Good lord, I don't want them to see me like this, what if they think we can't handle this". Lucky for us no one else was in the waiting room, and by the time we were handed the "ammunition", and walked down the hall to the fertility office, I began to cease crying all together, I needed to suck it up and stop being a sap because, this was not the way I wanted to remember *The day we may or may not have gotten knocked up* - I guess either way I'll remember it. Ughhh. I hate feeling out of control, when my only response to everything is crying - I curse you Letrozole, I need you, but you are evil, very evil... hummphhh :/

Once we were in the Fertility office I started feeling better, more excited, I guess you could say. I wanted to be happy, I hated that my body was at the peak of this emotional roller-coaster, and all I could feel was craziness. Jenica was not there, which normally I would have been sad about, but since my face was all red and puffy from crying; I decided it was a good thing she wasn't there that day. Coral immediately said, "are you okay" when she saw me, I laughed, said it was a bit of an emotional morning, but that I was okay, and we were okay, just ready to get going. She's so sweet... I guess we're probably not the only "emotional" couple they've seen. I mean it is a fertility office ,and we are being pumped with drugs that cause us imbalances. Hahaha, we have nothing to worry about! (That's what I tell myself to feel better, lol) Josh and I got situated in the little room that I always seem to be in. I had to drop my drawers, and wait on the table with a little paper sheet tucked all around me, those things are never big enough. Josh just kind of sat there watching my every move, very quite, and intermittently starring at the floor. I wondered what was going through his head as he watched me tuck my panties under my neatly folded jeans, only to shove all of that under my purse, pull out a magical pair of socks, and slap them puppies on my feet faster than you could blink - My feet get really cold in those stirrups, plus my toes were looking a little rough, so it's best to just bring socks. If he understood the way's of the woman, he would have saw me as a pro that day :) Dr. Laura came in and asked if everything was okay, she knew I had been upset by my puffy face. This time Josh and I both laughed, I could feel the tension leaving our bodies, I said it sucks that I can never hide if I've been crying because, my face, and eyes stay red for at least a good 30 minutes after being tearful. We talked about my symptoms from the Letrozole, the hot-flashes, headaches and emotional craziness - She said the meds were probably working really well, since I was "feeling" so much, which made me happy... and made all of us laugh. Dr. Laura is great, she understand the emotions that we feel and she makes Josh feel just as important! In this situation men are greatly affected too, it's hard knowing how to comfort that and recognize it.

The IUI process didn't take long at all; basically it was like a long and really intense pap-smear, lot's of pressure, but completely painless. She got the ammunition/swim team ready, then asked Josh if he wanted to do the injection part! His eye's got really bright, and he said "Do I get to look", with much excitement in his voice, I felt slightly like an lab animal, lol. At the same time I was truly happy inside that he didn't hesitate to do it *sigh* - That's my Pnut! He had 2 Hands in it that day (inside joke, hehe) I stayed there on the table for a bit, then we were free to go. And...Baam!!! - Just like that we may have made a baby. *giggle* Wow... I would seriously piss myself if this works and I'm not joking... I've got a weak bladder from the Endo, hahaha.

When we left the clinic there was a certain relief that overcame both of us, it was so peaceful compared to what were feeling in the days leading up to this. The hard part was over. He could breath, and finally go home to take that nap he wanted so badly, and I could stop obsessing over whether or not I timed the LH surge right. IUI's are all about timing. Once we got home I had to do something to keep my mind from thinking too much about it. That is soo stressful and I hate obsessing. I finished painting a tree in the bathroom that I've been working on for, ohhhhh.. a few months now. Well, actually I painted the trunk part and stopped, it looked pretty ridiculous without branches. I was feeling very motivated after the IUI!! I did the tree, and also put up my painted letters in the kitchen that I'd painted the day before. It felt really nice to be crafty and to actually finish a project I had started.

I'm currently at 5-DPI (5 Days Past Insemination)!! I have to go back into the office on Tuesday to get a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. I'm pretty certain that I did... The two week mark, is the Tuesday after that, which is also Josh's Birthday. Hehehe. It makes me giggle. I've had a few "phantom" symptoms that could point to pregnancy, but in all honesty it's waaaay to early to tell. Plus my body and mind is in-tune to any slight change, so I'm noticing everything. The one symptom I'm having, but I don't always get, is the "sore nipples", I got this with my very first round of Clomid, but never had it on the other 3 rounds. I also took my vitamins this morning and they made me feel sick for about 5 minutes. I was getting ready for work when my stomach started to feel sick, and I felt like I could taste the vitamins... but then it was gone. I've been taking these vitamins for a year now and they've never made me feel that way. Ayi yi-yi - So you see, I could totally freak out on these feelings, but I can't... until I take a HPT and get a positive line, I'm not going to allow myself to obsess over every little feeling I get. It's not healthy for me because, then my body will start producing all types of symptoms just to mess with me, that is theeee worst. I've been there, done that, felt that, and don't plan to wade in that deep just yet :)

This evening we had our first rain in months, *sigh* - It has been so long in fact, that I don't even remember the last time it rained. It was a downpour, gloriously gloomy downpour, and I loved it. When I got home from work, Josh said that Teddy also looooved the rain, that it took 2 towels to dry him off :) Teddy is fitting in nicely with our little family, and starting to look like a healthy dog once again! We are so glad he found us ♥ Tomorrow night I'm going out to Celebrate my very good friend Sarah's Birthday!! We've celebrated every Birthday together since 21.. We are only 6 months apart in age and she's the older one, lol. I can't wait to go out, and be a Designated Driver!! It's so strange going out and not having a drink. I'm totally cool with it, but it's still odd sometimes, *giggle* I feel really good about this month!

Sometimes you need to scrub the floor together...

First things first - I got my LH surge today, it was a fabulously dark pink line, and a little earlier than expected! It was dark almost immediately, which made me all giddy inside *giggle*. Soooo, we are scheduled for the IUI *Turkey Basting Method* at 10am Tuesday morning. Josh has to be at the ART (Assisted Reproduction Technology) office at 8:45 to give his "swim-team" sample. I am so hopeful, and nervous all at the same time that it makes me tear up when I think about it! ♥ Most of all I feel good and ready to accept whatever way this turns out!

I stopped at Hobby Lobby today and bought wooden letter's, and paint to make something crafty for my kitchen! The pictures show's the letters on my floor,because I have not had a chance to hang them yet. If felt refreshing to be crafty :)

Now onto the last few days... In a quick summary (since I need to get to sleep soon), Josh and I had our first real infertility argument/fight/silent treatment- whatever you want to call it. It was much needed, but not fun in any way shape, or form. Let's just say that sensitivity has been at all time highs for the both of us over the last few weeks. It has obviously been more intense the last few days, lol. I had no idea this infertility stuff would affect him as much as it has. He would probably disagree about that sentence, and then again he could be right, lol. It could just be all me, but I don't think that's the case. He thinks I'm the source of all the sensitivity, hahaha. I'm probably the larger emitter of emotional instability currently, but he's riding this wave too. lol Needless to say... some things were said, feelings were hurt and disregarded on both sides, something along the lines of "You only want me for my sperm" was said; which was the wrong thing to say to a woman who's been riding a hormonal wave of craziness for the past two weeks. Ugh... I had to work that day too, I hate those kind of days. I cried all morning and then he came home with Halloween costumes for the dogs, I couldn't be mad anymore, but yet I was I was in a mood that was quite unbreakable, Oh-booooy... once again, poor Josh - And bless his soul for putting up with me. I sent him an email from work, basically freaking out about what he said, saying we shouldn't do the IUI if he felt that way I was the true meaning of a "mess" hahaha. He's right, I am crazy.

The awkward emotional tension lasted through the night and into this morning... Then I peed on my stick, got the line I've been waiting for, called the fertility office and felt my adrenalin start to move again. I went into the laundry room, grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the dog area and reorganizing. I needed to do something to keep my mind of shit. I swept, and quietly cried tears of happiness as I dreamed of this thing actually working. I'n the middle of my tear-filled fantasizing he popped his head around the corner and offered to clean the grout, I was suddenly smitten and all softhearted. He was my Pnut again, and sweet and not afraid of his crazy wife, even that made me cry. I offered to be of assistance, then we were both on the floor scrubbing on our hands and knees. We scrubbed away the anger from the days before, laughed and began to feel the intense wave of emotion subsiding ever so much. If felt great, I felt like I could breath, like we could breath together once again, and that we knew where we were in the whole scheme of things. We both needed today... exactly the way it was ♥

Day - 21

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

This one was a little difficult for me, because no matter how many things I wish to forget... I am thankful for the lessons that have been learned from each experience, good or bad. Although I wish I could forget this particular event, I would not change it because it is now a huge part of our History, and our lives have been forever changed.

Since Yesterday was the 10 year Anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on America, I will use this as my Day 21! I would say overall that a lot of people felt very tense and slightly nervous leading up to this date, and if you didn't the media made sure you did. There were reports of possible threats that might play out - I'm so glad I'm not a TV junky anymore :) I don't watch TV, but I do watch shows online, so I'm not a complete TV snob - please don't hate! We have a TV in the lobby of the Hotel at work, so I've been hearing the 9/11 *chatter* all week. I'm glad nothing happened :) That day is obviously burned into everyone's mind, kinda like the way I imagine people of the Kennedy Assassination-Generation feel. Yesterday on facebook people were posting "where they were" when they found out about the attacks. I didn't share mine but I'll share it here.

My Aunt Tina called me early and woke me up from a very deep sleep... she was screaming into the phone "they're blowing up The World Trade Center", I could barely understand her. I was dead asleep, because I'd spent most of the early morning hours (11pm Sept 10th to 2:30 am on the 11th) in the hospital with severe abdominal pains they thought it was appendicitis, but it was just an attack from Endometriosis (just didn't know it back then). Josh and I got home and fell asleep around 3:30am...
I literally jumped out of the bed with my Aunt on the phone and ran to the living room to turn the TV on, Josh was still dead asleep. I turned on the TV just in time to see the second plane hit. My heart stopped for just a moment, I was frozen, sick to my stomach, then I ran into the room to wake Josh up; there was fear in my voice. We sat on the floor, in front of the TV in silence, I had tears in my eyes, I felt fear and instant heartache. I will never forget that feeling... the feeling of "what's going to happen now". We were in disbelief... so many lives were lost in that one day :/ It is still such a sad thing to remember.

Day - 20

Since my inner self is starting to wake back up... I decided that I would finally finish my 30 day photo challenge! I was looking through my photo albums online and realized that I completely stopped back in May, when I found out about my ovarian cyst. I guess I was just down in the dumps. Well, not anymore! I'm back and and ready to finish what I started.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel



I found this awesome picture on - www.pinterest.com - my new favorite addiction!!

Europe is where I'd like to go!! I don't know exactly why; I've been drawn to it all my life for some reason. Maybe it's because of my Irish/Welsh heritage, who knows! I would also love to see South America and southern Mexico; mainly for the Mayan ruins and ancient temples. Europe is a place I have secretly wished to live for a long time inside my little fantasy world hahaha. And, I'm not talking going to London, or Paris; I mean sure they would be great to see, but I want to see Europe! I want to taste and feel the culture in a way that TV and Movies can't provide. America is amazing and I haven't even seen half of her beautiful sights, but I have my whole life to see America, lol *sigh* Someday Josh and I will go - for sure!

Almost there :)

Spotting is no more, emotional whackness is subsiding, finally got a much needed day off, and I'm feeling really great about this cycle ♥

CD 10 - Eeek!

Letrozole = Emotional whackness

Okay, today I would like to officially say that - Letrozole makes me way more emotional than Clomid ever did. I mean I. was. emotional. It is just not the same type of emotional feeling, haha. I have a bit of anger mixed with this stuff. Ay yi-yi :/ The hormones are just pulsing through my body like craziness, I can feel it as I type. (yes, I know... soo very dramatic, lol)

***TMI*** coming in the next paragraph.

Prepare yourself, stop reading or just get over it.

I'm on CD 9, my period should have stopped days ago, yet I continue to spot. Errr. I'm worried the lining of my uterus is dwindling down to nothingness, or will be nothing in a few days if I keep at it. Humphf. *arms crossed and toe stomping* It's nothing heavy just light, pink, and annoying. If it were dark I wouldn't mind because that would be old blood; I don't have serious hard core cramps... just a dull achy feeling so!?!!...ahhhh I give up. It's frustrating me. I was just online for the last hour obsessing over Google with searches such as "Letroloze & longer periods" and "Letrozole & breakthrough bleeding". I hate when I get all paranoid. I found that many women have had this side effect, ugh.. Just one more thing. blah!

I called the Fertility office today and spoke with Coral, she called me this evening after having talked with Dr. Laura, and said to call back in the morning if I'm still spotting. Dr. Laura may schedule another ultrasound before ovulation to check things out and find out what's going on. She said it could be an "an-ovulatory cycle" meaning I didn't produce enough estrogen. Who really knows. Or, maybe the mysterious "Endometrioma vs. Blocked tube" thing is being bad and acting up. Errr, I hate not knowing things.

After my hour of googling things; I do actually feel a bit better, and really feel it's just my body getting used to the meds. I hope I don't have to go in for another ultrasound. The less money spent the better! I've always been able to ovulate on my own, so taking drugs to boost ovulation is odd and sometimes questionable in the back of my mind. Yet, at the same time I want the best chance I can get... it just sucks what the drugs do to your body, heart and mind.

Cheers to a spot-free tomorrow ♥

First IUI = Excitment & Hope

Tonight we grilled steaks and potatoes on the back patio, and enjoyed the amazing weather! Well, Josh did all the grilling and I did the inside stuff ♥ That's teamwork Baby. This is our celebration of Labor day, I guess...even thought we both worked the entire weekend. He got lucky and was off today! He called me this morning with excitement in his voice that the weather changed over night! He also opened up all the doors and windows and when I got home it was such a refreshing feeling, the house smelled fresh and the sound of rustling leaves from the backyard soothed me at the core.

It was a really loooong weekend, and *sigh* it's not even over yet. Ugh... well technically it is, but in my world of weird schedules, my weekend hasn't arrived yet and wont start until Thursday. Boooo!

I had plans this weekend that did not go as expected. Errr... Don't-cha hate it when that happens!?! One of my employee's got pulled over and put in jail Friday night. So had to cover the shifts. It was frustrating at first, but I got over it as the day progressed. I worked an 11 hour shift Sat, a 10 hour shift Sun, and I went back at 8-ish this morning. Bleh *whining, pouting, and stomping feet* - I'm beat and ready for a day of relaxation :)

I don't think it would have been that bad if I had not started taking hormones this week lol. I wanted to post earlier last week about starting the IUI process this month!! But I got so busy with work that I've been holding onto it for days.

I went in Thursday afternoon for my Baseline U/S (ultrasound), and got the green light to start taking Letrozole for our first IUI attempt - 2 pills on days 3-7. I got to see my ovaries, and they had plenty of baby eggs (follicles) ready to grow; seeing that brought a few tears to my eyes. My left ovary even had eggs *shocking*. Dr. Laura said my left ovary looks good after surgery however; she said I possibly have another Endometrioma located at the top of my ovary or it's my fallopian tube blocked up again. It was hard to tell on the ultrasound, but she said we could go ahead and move forward without concern unless I started to have pain.I did a little *happy dance* in my mind and in the elevator on my way out of the building, hahaha. I hope the tube is blocked! Most people probably think I'm a bit crazy for that one, but let me explain... Right now I'm considered a "high-risk" for a pregnancy outside of the uterus otherwise known as an ectopic pregnancy; so if the tube is blocked I have a lower chance fertilizing anything from that side. So yes, I hope that it's a blocked tube vs. an Endometrioma. I already know the left side is pretty much crap...so I'm not too upset about that. Today I gulped down the last two Letrozole pills in hopes that my eggs were growing nice and plump :)

The side effects of my new drug have been about the same as Clomid! I have not experienced blurry vision like I did for those 4 months, but I've had hot-flashes (slightly less intense), headaches and I have been rather tearful... Ahummm - actually it's been more like *pretty emotional* in a laughing/crying at the same time kinda way, lol. I cried on the way home from my fertility clinic, but those were tears of overwhelming excitement, joy and hope. I've contained my crazy infertile hormones as best as I can through this crazy week/weekend, but last night after getting off work I had a bit of a breakdown. I got off around 11 and had to be back early. So, I really had no time to wind down and let the day fall off my shoulders :/ When Pnut and I got up to go to bed I was instantly in the crappiest mood and turned into a big ol sissy-baby. I told him I was sorry for being such a drag, being in such a horrible mood; that it really had nothing to do with him and then I burst into tears. Poor Pnut, he just kinda sat there all quiet...like "ummmm, Did I do something and if so what do I do now"? I got up and went into the living room, he hadn't done anything, but for whatever reason I just needed to be alone with myself so I could cry with no questions asked; plus I didn't want to keep him awake with my sobbing in bed. Hahaha - lol... We can laugh about it today, so that's a good thing!! I sat in the dark and cried for at least 25 minutes, maybe longer. I would cry and stop, cry, and stop... and cry some more. Good grief I was a mess... I'm glad that's over! How did I get over it you ask!?!

While rushing out the door for work this morning I got hit in the face by a cool and crisp breeze, and temperatures in the low 70's possibly even 68 or 69 (I never checked the actual temp). It was a big fat taste of Fall, and I was a happy girl after that!

It was an amazing way to feel after such a depressing night of feeling in the dumps, lol. And, oooooh how much I needed that today. It drastically changed my mood! A part of me that has been suffocated by this heavy Summer... I was finally able to breathe. It reminded my brain, my internal sense of being and self - that things are not as stagnant as they've seemed lately. All things change. Just knowing there is an end in sight to this unforgettable Summer; feels like waiting for cookies in the oven to ding! My intense, hormone induced mood swing from last night was gone. It was replaced with wondrous thoughts of leaves crunching beneath my feet, early evening sunsets, crisp air that lets me see my breath, and cooler temperatures. Ahhhhhh...and Halloween :) I love the way a changing season puts me back on track, balances out my thoughts and mind, blows away the dust from my path ahead, and most of all... I love how it reawakens my soul. I don't know quite how to explain the way I feel when the season begins to change, but I can say that there is just something so beautiful about the whole process.

That first taste of fall triggers something instinctual inside of me - I ♥ it!

Happy Labor Day to all