Feeling un-Halloweeny

Halloween is days away, and this is the first year in a very long time that I could care less about it :| Halloween is my all-time favorite festive day of the year :( How depressing am I, lol. Josh, and I dressed the dogs up in costumes the other day, it put a smile on my face! I decorated a pumpkin several weeks back with Anna, but that's the extent of my Halloween-ness this year. I'm such a Debbie-Downer. Humph...




So, the waiting continues. . . no news is good news, I guess.

I've been okay maintaining my thoughts and feelings. I've still been avoiding all my friends, phone calls and such. I'm sorry for this but, it's just to hard to casually talk about right now. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity Errrr. Yesterday, I woke up pissed off, angry, sad, depressed, and anxious. . . I felt so much emotion, that it was impossible to get away from, I just had to feel it, every effing ounce of it, no escape. I was depressed all day, cried before work, made it through work, cried the entire way home, and then some more at home with Josh. I really don't know how I'd make it without him ♥

On a side note...

I have a spot on my butt cheek the size of a nickle, a spot on my toe, and a small spot on my nose that are strange, flaky, red, itchy, and not bug bites bites. They don't seem to be going away, or getting better. These did not show up until the last few weeks. Several years ago I had a spot on my skin that would not go away and my dermatologist said it was Morphea, which is also known as localized lupus. With the sudden appearance of these new spots, I did a little investigating online, and I am curious if these new spots have anything to do with Lupus. I've never thought I had it before, never asked, never really knew much about it, but I think I may ask Dr. Laura what she thinks. It's odd that they would just now show up, during such a stressful time.

Someone can just shoot me now, so I'll stop freaking out about stupid crap... I really wouldn't mind, hahaha.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Living on hope & prayers

My heart feels like it's been cracked open, my thoughts are heavy, and my mind is desperately trying to hang onto hope in any way possible.

We are living on hopes and prayers. . .

I wish I could say things are better, but they are not better, and yet. . . they are not worse.

We are stuck in a moment of time that is relentless, truthful, and raw.

Yesterday, we could barley see embryo/baby/tiny little bean... *tear* I'm still growing, but very slowly. It looks like I'm behind in growth basically by a week or so at least. We could not get a good measure of the heartbeat, or the crown to rump length. But, Josh and I both saw it. . . It was effing there. . . beating and clinging on to life for us. It was there, trying to survive. I felt so sad, knowing that it was struggling. It was still there and that's what matters to me right now.

Dr. Laura said the heartbeat seemed erratic, this measurements are off, and that it looked like the pregnancy was not going to progress much further, that I would probably miscarry within the next few weeks, or I could have a missed-miscarriage, if my body doesn't get the hint, as to what's going on. I don't go back until around the 2nd week of November... I'm going to keep praying to any, and all Gods that are listening, I will pray, and cling to my scattered hope. I really have no choice, because the odds seemed stacked against us. *sigh*

It's useless to ask - Why!?!?!? But for some reason it seems appropriate when you're crying your eyes out, and snot is running down your face.

I'm going to be honest. . . Yesterday, I didn't even expect to see a baby, or heartbeat. Our last appointment had be shaking in my boots and I thought for sure it was over. Secretly, I made peace with it, within myself, accepted, and prepared myself for the worst outcome. I was shocked to see a heartbeat. I did not cry on my way out of the office, but later in the evening I started rehashing everything she said in the office; I started to feel anxious, and cried later in the evening. . . several times. I've teared up a few times today thinking about it, or having to explain it to anyone, even though I have my hope, it still sucks ass, and makes me sad. . . Why is this happening. My hear is breaking as we speak. . .

I asked Dr. Laura many, many questions. She has to be as honest as possible, and that's the hard part for her :| She has been there with us through this whole thing, in fact everyone on staff has. They are only 4, but they are a great team of 4 woman. who feel our pain, and that creates a certain bond. I could tell she felt emotional telling us everything, I could sense that she probably could have cried herself, if she didn't have to maintain the professional composure. I asked about angles, my tilted uterus; I reaching for hope in any way possible. She agreed that there are always miracles out there, things that don't fall into the statistical realm of normal. Things happen all the time that they can't explain, or predict. The amount of Data out there, to compare stuff to is incredibly low when it comes to infertility research. From the info and scans, she leans more towards a miscarry, although that's not to say it's 100% until I actually have a miscarriage. Basically, I still have a baby, because we have a heartbeat. That is hope to me!!


I'll either start to bleed, and have a miscarriage over the next few weeks, or I'll go back in a few weeks and have a baby and a heartbeat. If we go back and see nothing, I'll have a D n C, or take the vaginal medication to induce miscarriage.

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm scared shitless. I've had a miscarriage before :( Right now I can't imagine having to do that again. I still feel all my pregnancy symptoms. Waiting this out will be torture, but I will gladly do it that means I will be privileged to carry this baby.

Yesterday, I told Josh I didn't want to do this again. . . He said I was just upset, and didn't mean it. Part of me did mean it. This pain is very deep, and hard to maintain on an everyday level. I have to admit that he is mostly right, because I always said we do it at least twice. And, we will. We will do it a second time if things do not turn out. After that we are done... Done. We would never be able to afford IVF, there is no guarantee it would even work, and I can't live life on this roller coaster. Josh has been amazing, he would do what ever I wanted, but I can't do this to him either... This has been the most painful journey to walk down, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Dr. Laura offered to let us do a chromosomal test, if this ends badly. To find out if we are have a bigger problem. I really appreciate the offer. Basically we could have a problem that will never allow us to have a successful pregnancy, so rather then continue to throw money at fertility treatments, we could make a decision about our lives, begin to move on, grieve and heal... if that's even possible. It feels so unfair. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world.

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone who's said prayers, sent vibes, sent messages and sent love. I appreciate you, your support and for reading along through this crazy time. It means more than I can express with words.

Pushing yourself through the day...

It is finally Sunday (my Friday), and I am doing better than I was...

Yesterday I started to laugh a bit more, I forced myself to catch up on shows that have been collecting, I watered the plants on my patio, I avoided most friend and human contact. I felt cooped up, but could not bring myself to do a single productive thing other than the watering of the plants, and only because Josh insisted. Josh has remained optimistic, and hopeful about the whole situation; which helps me a great deal. I still have moments where, if I stop, and really think about it, I get sad with fear, and tears fill my eyes. I'm getting better. I continue to talk to my little bean at night, when I shower, take a bath, and when I'm alone. I rub my stomach, in hopes that my little bean will feel my touch, and know that I'm here for it. My prayers are that his/her little heartbeat is beating faster and faster each day.

I emailed Bart and Sheila, told my Grandmother, and Brother about what's going on and my friend Sarah. I've kept this news relatively quiet for the most part. Yesterday, my Brother called me up to say a prayer over the phone, wow. My Brother, and his continued sobriety is truly a Gift from the God's above. It felt so strange being on the other end with my brother, usually I'm the one consoling him, telling him it will be okay, that God is looking out for him, or talking him through difficult times. Yesterday he was that for me, and I appreciated it more than my words can express.

I called the Fertility office on Friday morning, and asked for my ultrasound to be moved up to Tuesday, since I'm off and Josh is off. I have have absolutely no sick time left since I had to have surgery back in July, so trying to get through all of this with no sick time is really proving to be difficult. I'm so anxious right now, it feels like I have a brick sitting in my gut. I'm remaining calm, cool and collected, for the most part... but there is this small part of me going crazy with each passing hour. The "unknown" is torturous, *sigh*. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes so we'll know more about which direction this is all heading.

Regardless of what happens I know we will survive. . .

Hanging on by a tiny thread of emotion.

Many tears have fallen in the last 24 hours :|

**The Good**

Josh and I, went in yesterday for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! We were so excited!! We saw and heard it, our eyes were bright, and our hearts were happy and fluttering; it was probably the most amazing feeling ever *sigh*.

**The Bad**

The heartbeat was only 65 bpm, meaning very slow. It was so tiny, like a little lightning bug flashing at us... but Dr. Laura said it should be above 100. "This is concerning" she said with a very serious face. Like the morning I woke up spotting, my heart fell out of my chest once again. I couldn't even look at Josh until she left the room, because I knew the flood gates were about to open. We sat in her office, and had a very serious discussion about everything that could happen, it was the most depressing conversation I've ever had. Even though all hope is not lost, because there is a heartbeat, I felt completely defeated by the seriousness of our discussion. I was miles away, as Josh would say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.


*The Ugly** (the unstoppable emotions)

This is not good, and there is no sugar coating it. I keep trying to come up with reasons of - why, but they are not there. I'm currently begging the God's to continue smiling upon us, not to take away this dream that has landed in our laps. We have been waiting for so long, and worked so hard for where we are. I am devastated and heartbroken right now. I just don't know how to feel, I feel bad for being upset, because that's stressful to the baby, and I could cause more harm, but I'm hurting deep inside on an emotional level, and don't know how to balance out these feelings. I left the office yesterday feeling like at any minute I'll probably have a miscarriage. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread of pure emotion. I have to wait until next week to do another sono. I'm worried, yet trying to hang on to the slivers of hope floating randomly around in my head. I cried all evening last night, could not sleep at all, just tossed and turned, and have cried throughout this morning. I am trying to stay positive, I've been talking to my baby, asking it to hang on just a little longer... telling it how much I Love it, and what a cool Dad it has waiting on the outside. I feel so lost right now. I'm not ready for this to be over, the pain it too much after getting this far. *sigh* Come on Baby Bernard, you can do it!!!! We have faith in you!!!

If you pray... Say a prayer for us
If you send vibes... send some vibes our way
If you can... send positive thoughts my way
I'll take whatever you got, because my own supply of strength is very low at the moment.

Gotta wait a bit longer

*Yawn* Well it's Friday, and I just woke up from sleeping about 11 hours. It felt so amazing!

Josh and I went in on Tuesday morning for a sonogram, but we were not able to see the heartbeat. :/ I was pretty disappointed; which led to obsessive negative thoughts, fear and moodiness. hahah. Everything was exactly where it should have been, my yolk sac grew bigger, uterus was at the right size, my cervix was closed, and my HcG levels were right on. So we're waiting until next Thursday to go back!! I was only 5 weeks 7 days... 6 1/2 weeks is really a better time to see it, I've been told. I felt pretty bummed that entire day, but when Dr. Laura called the next day with my numbers I felt tons better, I also emailed Jencia, and asked if not seeing the heartbeat was normal... she calmed my nerves too and said it's very normal. :) I am anxious to see this tiny little life that's currently inside of me, jacking my nutrients and making me sleepy, lol. Josh was great during the sonogram! His eyes got so bright, and I could feel the vibrations of excitement resonating off his body. Every time he saw the little tiny thing inside the sac, he'd unknowingly squeeze my arm or shoulder, he'd get this huge grin on his face, and when we didn't see the heartbeat; he reassured me that he could see everything that he needed to know everything was fine. lol!

Like I said in the beginning... It's Friday, I just slept for 11 hours and I feel great! I feel every bit of pregnant I could possibly feel at this point. My breast are still a size bigger, and sore, my appetite fluctuates day to day; more like hour to hour. I sleep a lot, I cry and become moody all the sudden, and my pants don't button, hahaha. So I'm not fretting one bit until Thursday. I've still had some spotting here and there, but that's only because of the small hemorrhage next to where my sac implanted... So that doesn't scare me anymore, and I'll probably have spotting until it goes away completely or my body absorbs it! I'm currently feasting on a bowl of cut up strawberries, blueberries and raisins. I thought I was going to be totally cool and healthy, and have them with organic plane yogurt, but my lord was I wrong... I. HATE. YOGURT. The taste is horrid. I thought maybe I'd be able to give it a try, that maybe my taste buds had changed enough for me to like it, and I was totally wrong.

We got our sweet Daisy spayed a few days ago. I felt kinda bad inside taking away her chance to have puppies :| She came into heat, and was driving our Teddy & Scruffy to the brink of insanity. Next, we'll have to get Mr. Scruffy Man fixed! I swear he would have tried to get the wall pregnant if he could have. Hahaha. Natural instinct is so darn strong sometimes.

I dreamed of my old friend Sarah last night. It's been a while since she visited my dreams. About a month ago, Anna and I decided to go see her Mom! Shannon, said we should write Sarah a note, and leave it in her mailbox, since we can't just go next door like normal adults, and say Hi. So I did, we never heard anything from her. It hurt my feelings, I guess she truly is the one who doesn't want to be friends. That makes me sad inside. I've forever and always thought it to be her husbands choice, because that's how it was so long ago. He's the one who said we could not be friends. But now I'm really starting to just let go of the idea of ever having a friendship with her again. It is sad... because she was an awesome person. I feel bad that I was a wild child, and lost her friendship, but we're all grown adults now, so I don't understand why we can't act like adults, and move forward in life. More and more I feel less bad, and feel that it's her loss. I'm not going to beg for anyone to be my friend. Any-who... In my dream I was sitting in my living room, and I could see her at her Moms house, then all the sudden she was walking into my front door, she sat down with her daughter, and said "I asked if I could come over, and he said it was OK". That was pretty much it. See... very strange, hummm. It was nice to see her though... even if it was just a short dream :)

Have a swell day everyone ♥

Our little contamination is in there!!!

Today the Gods smiled upon me ♥ and I am smiling back.

I went in this morning at 9:30am for my first Sonogram...

And.... Everything looks Great!!! Our little "contamination" is in the right spot and growing fast! I go back on Tuesday to see the heartbeat! I am the happiest girl in the world today! I feel so extremely blessed... I don't even have words to describe the incredible feeling I have within me...

*sigh*

I'm crying as I type this, and let me tell you - they are the happiest tears I've ever cried and I can't stop. I go from crying to laughing, to crying back to laughing. I sobbed on the phone with my Brother and Grandma before even leaving the parking lot of the Fertility office.. lol It has been an amazing day and I am truly blessed beyond anything I could possibly imagine ♥

What a day... Make that two days.

Where do I start!?! Uggg. Yesterday was a very difficult day emotionally, today was okay, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

***Warning - maybe a little TMI in the next paragraph***

Yesterday morning (wed) I had my alarm set for 5:20 to get up, get ready, and return to work from my vacation/family stuff. I woke up at 3am to pee, then again at about 4am to pee, only this time I notice blood when I wiped! I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking bright red blood. My heart dropped out of my chest and hit the bathroom floor. I freaked out, and had a mini meltdown right there on the damned toilet. I ran into the living room crying my eyes out and sobbing like a crazy woman, I called the Fertility office, left a message with the answering service... they said she would be paged immedeatly. They were not lying either, it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes and Dr. Laura was on the phone, sounding as dead asleep as ever... poor thing, she really is such an awesome doctor. I wish she could be my doctor for everything. The first thing she told me was that bleeding is common, as long as you are not gushing, with blood running down your leg and filling your shoe. It doesn't mean it should be dismissed, only that it's common, or been known to happen. I described the intensity and all that junk - I wasn't having cramps, so she told me to come in for a blood draw to test my HcG levels. Dr. Laura spoke to me for a while on the phone reassuring me that for the moment I was okay, she was really honest about everything that could possibly happen. She made me feel more focused, and I started to calm down.

I called my Job and let them know that I had to go to my doctor right away, and could not be there at 7. This was my first day back :/ I did not even have a chance to tell them that I was pregnant. This wasn't the way I'd planned on telling them, but hey, shit happens.

I felt emotional and defeated. I could not believe what was happening, and I could not believe for one second that this wasn't a miscarriage. I had one before, I know what it's like... After making the necessary phone calls I stayed in the living room crying, asking "why"? And pleading through my sobbing tears "please don't let this be anything" "please let this be nothing". I asked the Gods to let me keep this happiness that has been shown to me... I cried, and cried, and said I could not live this this kind of sadness... I was desperate, I didn't want to lose what we have tried for so long to achieve. I dried my eye's as much as I could and went back to bed, Josh mumbled "are you going to work", I said "No I am going to go to the Dr. because I'm bleeding a little bit", he asked if I was okay, I said "yes" quietly, trying to remain calm. I needed to sleep. He rubbed my back softly, and didn't ask questions. I'm certain he was thinking about it, but didn't want to stress me out, because he got up a little later...it wasn't a long time, but I knew he was as worried as I was. I slept for a few hours and was off to the Fertility office with my stomach dragging on the ground behind me- I was so scared.

At the Fertility office Dr. Laura examined me, felt around and poked on my belly; she didn't want to do a sonogram, because she was afraid it would be a little too early to see the sac, and she didn't want me to get discouraged by that. I got hugs from everyone, Jenica even came into the room when Dr. Laura was done, she didn't say a word just opened the door and gave me a big hug. *sigh* I love them all... they are amazing woman with big hearts. I left the office, text my boss to say I wasn't going to make it in that I'd bring a doctors note, and keep him updated. I went home, curled up on the couch and waited for that call. Josh was very cautious with words, sweet and observant. I love him so much...

Coral called later in the day to say that my Beta was 2665!! The numbers are right where they should be. Dr. Laura gave me the option to come in on Friday morning(tomorrow)to do an ultrasound for location of the sac. I feel relieved that I will not have to wait through the weekend. I will be 5 weeks and 4 days, so that's pretty close to the 6week mark, we should hopefully be able to see something. I'll get to go back for another sonogram next Tuesday. Even if we don't see anything tomorrow! And if we do see something then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat next Tuesday.

I have continued to spot, and bleed lightly throughout today. I feel better because it's not as bad as yesterday, but because it is still there my stomach feels nervous nonetheless... I'm not giving up hope!!!