I feel so much better this morning.. *sigh*
Yesterday was a very emotionally difficult day. I cried all the way home from work..my radio is on the outs so it was silent and I knew that the flood gates would just open as soon as I shut the car door. I dried up a bit before going inside..Josh was very sweet. I love him for that! He didn't bombard me with silly words like "it will happen when it happens" or " If it's meant to be" He just simply sat there and looked at me with soft eyes and let me cry. He came over and hugged me and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder.. That was exactly what I needed from him and nothing more. We really are in tune with one another in moments where we are our weakest. I watched a movie and made a 1am trip to wal-mart. Luckily it wasn't that crowded...considering its only two days away from Christmas. After that...my tears were pretty much dried up for the day. I went to bed late and got up around ten this morning. I called my doctor to let them know I started my cycle...boooo!! I always talk to my doctors nurse, Susan..she is a very sweet woman. She herself went through years of fertility treatment and now has a little boy..so she definitely understands all the things I'm feeling right now and its comforting to talk with someone who has been through it. They are going to let me do a few more months of Clomid. I asked her if it was a waste of time to continue with the Clomid. She looked over Josh's swim team analysis. He has a 95.5 million sperm, he has strong concentration 75 million, and 45% motility which has to be 25% or higher, she listed other levels which were all good too but I can't remember them all..so everything but the Morphology is good it's only 2% and should be at least 4% or higher. With such a high count of total sperm even with just a 2% morph..that should still give him at least a few million good ones. I have been ovulating great this whole time and my progesterone levels have been really high 26 last month and 16 this month so that is really good. So after talking with her I decided to go ahead and do a couple more rounds of the Clomid. Last night I was over it and ready to throw the towel in and run away scared so this morning I felt good asking her to go ahead and call the prescription in. After a month or two they will write up the referral for the Reproduction Endocrinologist. I think we would have more luck doing the IUI. We'll see..she told me when I see the RE they will do some pretty extensive testing. So we may also discover another reason why we're not getting pregnant. *Sigh* what a bumpy journey we are on. I have to work today and then I'm off for Christmas Eve and Christmas day..thank the Gods! lol
Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you are all blessed with a fabulous New Year..so hard to believe its going to be 2011.
23 December, 2010
22 December, 2010
Crushed..
Clomid was definitely not the miracle drug for us :( I was really hoping this month would have been it for us… I figured it would have made the most wonderful Christmas present. But instead I sit here with tears in my eye’s wondering if this will ever happen for us. I’m angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated..and a little broken inside. I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test and it was a BFN. I immediately went back to bed, and then got up in the most depressed mood and then the cramps started. So…no bun in the oven for us this time. My heart feels extremely heavy and every time I think of it my eye’s start to tear up, it crushes my heart every time. I’m at work currently and just wish I could go cry in the bathroom until it’s time to go home. I will probably cry the entire way home. I will feel better when I can just cry it all out… I’m glad I found out today rather then Christmas day…that was my original plan…to take the test on that day. I decided today that I’d rather be depressed before Christmas not on that day. I’m mad and sad…and frustrated…that I had to deal with all those stupid hot flashes for nothing…ugh! I hate this. I’m tried of people saying “be patient, it will happen when it happens” It’s so easy for women who already have babies to say that. I know it’s not their fault…it just stings because I’ve been patient for several years already. I know people are just tying to be nice and supportive... and I guess there is really nothing anyone can say to make it okay. I need a strong drink after today.
21 December, 2010
Total lunar eclipse on the Winter solstice..
Around 12:45 this morning I posted up outside with a camera to catch the total Lunar eclipse. To top it off..it fell on the winter solstice. That hasn't happened since the 1600's. It is always such an awesome thing to see with your own eyes. Josh stayed with me outside until just after it started :) he set the camera up for me..so sweet! The dogs hung out with me and by the end of the night my butt was cold from sitting on the ground and my neck was sore from staring up at the sky..lol. It was well worth it though..such a beautiful sight to see.
Christmas Lights
10 December, 2010
Exactly what my heart needed to see..
Ready for a better week!
It's quite possibly been the most stressful last two weeks I've had in a while.
My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.
My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.
I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.
My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.
My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.
I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.
05 December, 2010
Oooh Mercury...
Mercury is about to go retrograde and I can definitely feel everything slowing down and becoming a little more intense. Mercury retrograde happens 3-4 times a year. Basically mercury slows down and then looks like it becomes stationary or that it's moving backwards but it is just and optical illusion. Mercury is the planet of communication also the ruling planet of Virgo an earth sign. It seems like there are more miscommunication and delays during this time. Retrograde is also a period when you can step back and contemplate life and your surroundings more so then you normally do. It's a way to look back at things and understand why you did them..We get so busy with everyday life that we don't take time to look things over..so Mercury's energy forces you to feel the things we've been putting on the back burner. If you're open minded and receptive this stuff (astrological influences) can really be beneficial to ones soul, in almost a spiritual way. I'm not super religious, although I respect religion as a whole. Astrology just makes the most sense and I understand the movements and energies of the planets better than most religions. Planets in Astrology tend to symbolize, activate and stir awareness I click with astrology! Josh pokes fun at me if I start jabbering about what planet is where and in what sign...but I think he understands that it means something real to me inside. So for this Mercury Retrograde I wish everyone to have peaceful moments of solitude and quiet reflection. Mercury goes retrograde December 10th - December 29 in the signs of Capricorn and Sagittarius. Earth and fire :)
The Winter solstice is not far away! I'm really excited because Wooky and Jen will be getting Married that day!!
The Winter solstice is not far away! I'm really excited because Wooky and Jen will be getting Married that day!!
01 December, 2010
A November Sunset
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| A November Sunset |
I haven't had the urge to drag out my paint and brushes lately ( as in many..many months)..but yesterday I did and It felt deeply cleansing in some way. Peaceful..with just myself, my paint and my thoughts. I was proud that I finished. Over the last year my art has had some difficulty flowing freely..and when I would start something I wouldn't finish it.. So this is good.. hehehe. Josh was napping, the dogs were napping..and of course the cat was napping. I was extremely bored with tons of housework that needed to be done yet I didn't want to do any of it lol. So I pulled the chair up to the window of our office that faces west, I opened the blinds and gazed upon a beautiful sunset, it was as if the sun was singing an enchanting song and I was memorized by it's stunning warmth. The season is changing so fast now.. There are leaves everywhere! Just the other day when Sarah and I went on our evening walk and we were crunching as many leaves as we could along the way. It is still fun to act like a kid when every possible :) I just love the way the evening sun sets upon a cloudless sky and you see the deep hues of blue, green and orange..how there is no line between each new hue..only flawless beauty that spilled out into the sky and how the leave-less tree branches reach out to the sky to absorb the suns rays..one last time before day is gone *sigh*. Beauty is all around us ♥
29 November, 2010
Last round of Clomid..ps (please work) Love, Me...
I started the my last round of Clomid this week. I really hope this month is the month it would be a nice little Christmas surprise. I can't believe it's already gone by so fast :/ At least I won't have to deal with the hot flashes for a while..hehehe. Who knows what they'll put us through when and if we have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist..Hmmm . I'm trying to think positively about this month it's a little frustrating becuase it feels like I already know it's not going to work..So I'll be in complete shock if it actually does work. There is a big part of me that hopes and wishes since it is our last round maybe it work *giggle* Who knows it would be a fun story that we could tell our child one day..of how much trouble it was..lol. I have high hopes and high nerves. *fingers crossed*Thanksgiving was this week..I had to work. Ugh! Haha. Josh and I got up at about 10:30 got ready and headed over to see my side of the family..which consist of my Grandma, Dad, Brother and his Wife Teresa. It was pretty low key, chill and relaxing. My dad made a delicious turkey..he always does :) We only stayed there for about an hour and a half and then headed over to Jen and Wooky's house, since Sheila and Bart
were in Louisiana. We saw little miss Miranda and Sarah. I got some mashed potatoes at Jens..hehe. The potatoes weren't ready at my grandmas when we got there..lol. After leaving Jen's we went back home and I got ready for work and that about sums up my Thanksgiving for 2010. Last year we cooked at our house because I was off work..it was great. Josh and I definitely want to cook Thanksgiving dinner next year. Tomorrow Josh and I are cooking our own little dinner and are set to watch Toy Story 3!! The only thing I didn't get to eat on Thanksgiving was green bean casserole..my favorite next to deviled eggs and mashed potatoes..yummm!
Today was my first day off after the long Holiday week at work and I was a complete bum today... I planned on vegging on the couch all day with Netflix but I was actually somewhat productive. I rescued Sarah from Pep Boys..she had a flat and it was going to be 3 hours before they could get to her tire. So I picked her up and we hung out for the afternoon. She helped me decorate my lil Christmas Tree :) It's cute..only about 4 ft tall. I had a bigger one but my grandma wanted to have a big Christmas tree for Arthur so I traded with her so he could enjoy the big Tree! I remember as a child we always had a big tree..I loved it! We also went for an evening walk and I discovered this secret path through our neighborhood. I love random adventures..especially at sunset on a crispy cool November evening . Good times...
22 November, 2010
Three gators in a pool..
I had very strange dreams this morning.. I was in a house with a pool in the backyard. I've been to this place before in my dreams several times. It might even be Josh's parents house but in Louisiana or something. I just remember going outside to go for a swim..but there were alligators in the pool..and the water was murky like a pond. There were a total of 3 gators in the pool. I went inside to get my camera so I could take pictures of them..when I would look down at them to focus the camera it made their eye's big, as if they were staring straight thought my soul. The sky was very odd looking too but that's really all I can remember. I also had a weird dream on Saturday night.. I was out at a club or bar of some sort and someone told me that Sarah's mom had lung cancer..and yes this is the same Sarah that frequents my dreams. I went to go see them and Sarah's dad would not speak to me..and then it was over. Strange..and I waited too long to write about it so I lost most of the good details.
Bummer
AF came today..right on time too :( Well all I can say is I hope this is a "Third times a charm" kinda thing. I'm kind of disappointed..obviously. I guess I'm happy it came though after last month being late 2 weeks. Taking a pg test on Thanksgiving would have just been a slap in the face anyway..I feel very let down but I'm glad it came when it did. Looks like it just might not be in our cards to have a child.. My heart is heavy today, my eyes are holding back tears and my smile is a little forced but I'm going to keep my head high..and try and enjoy this holiday week..
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!
18 November, 2010
Ovulation is a go...
Finally...Texas has received some Fall-ish weather. The leaves are dancing all around, the sun is setting early, the air is crisp and I am in love with it all. I went from by progesterone test on Monday of this week and my Doctor called Wednesday to say everything looked great and that I defiantly ovulated this month *yay* Now we're in the "wait and see if it worked phase" again...haha. I will take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving if I have not had my cycle by then. It will be CD-35 for me...last month I went 42-CD's and that was horrible, my brain wanted to implode in on it's self...if that's even possible. Ugh...the wait & "What if" was almost unbearable to take, obsessive thoughts were playing in my head 24 hours a day and each day that I was late. If it's negative on Thursday then I'll start the drug (prometrium) to start my cycle again. So my fingers are crossed and...my toes *giggle giggle* that there is a little bun in my oven. And if not..well we've got another month to try...so I'm pretty happy about that. Something I'm even more excited about is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Part 1 *happy dance* It comes out tomorrow. Oh-Emm-Gee I can't freaking wait! Date night with Harry Potter is always worth it. Normally we wait up and see the midnight showing but this year we're planning to go Sunday with the guys. Josh and I both have to work early the next morning. I'm going home tonight to watch the "Half Blood Prince" so I'm caught up and and ready for the new one Sunday. I was going to re-read the last book..but I really haven't had time and if I start now I'll get absolutely nothing done over the next few days.
11 November, 2010
A November Girls Night ♥
Time change has happened once again! I'm not complaining.. It just takes me a few days to get back on track lol. And for some odd reason I refuse to turn my house clocks over for at least 3-5 days.. Every year..seriously. I will say that this year's fall daylight savings time definitely benefited me!So I'm happy about that. I had a girls night *happy dance* and got an extra hour to be out since the time fell back at 2am. Actually I think it was more helpful that I got the extra hour to sleep..Sarah and I made the trek across downtown to
the parking garage and it was already after midnight so we really didn't need any extra drinking time haha. It was sooo much fun! Anna's friend Crystal, who is super cute..had her Birthday in Downtown Fort Worth, I got them a really great rate at the Hotel and about 15 girls showed up to celebrate at Cantina Laredo! We had yummy food and Mango Margaritas. They were delicious but really expensive..eek! After Cantina Laredo we walked down to 8.0 a bar with a big outside patio area...they usually have a band but it was kinda dead and we were looking to have some fun. We walked to the Library next and that's where we stayed :) 
It was loud, crazy, packed and exciting..plus the drinks are pretty cheap and that's always a plus. Once we got to the Library time just flew by. We were all having soo much fun..I think Crystal had a really awesome Birthday. Sarah got me home safely..she always get's me home safe and she is one of my closest and dearest friends..I ♥ her. Josh was our back up plan in-case we were to drunk to drive. The best thing to do before a night of possible heavy drinking is to EAT!! We stuffed ourselves 
with yummy Mexican food..chips, quesadillas and tortillas...and more chips. It's when you don't eat that you wind up throwing up shots before you make it to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with your head leaned
up against the stall trying to make the spins stop or sprawled out on the sidewalk drooling on yourself. That is no bueno and not very classy. I always try and pace myself..I've gotten better over the years. Honestly I don't drink that much anymore and definitely not as arrogantly as I did when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Now it's pretty much Birthday's and the random house or holiday party. I have not had a girls night like that in a very long time. It was good for the soul.
the parking garage and it was already after midnight so we really didn't need any extra drinking time haha. It was sooo much fun! Anna's friend Crystal, who is super cute..had her Birthday in Downtown Fort Worth, I got them a really great rate at the Hotel and about 15 girls showed up to celebrate at Cantina Laredo! We had yummy food and Mango Margaritas. They were delicious but really expensive..eek! After Cantina Laredo we walked down to 8.0 a bar with a big outside patio area...they usually have a band but it was kinda dead and we were looking to have some fun. We walked to the Library next and that's where we stayed :) 
It was loud, crazy, packed and exciting..plus the drinks are pretty cheap and that's always a plus. Once we got to the Library time just flew by. We were all having soo much fun..I think Crystal had a really awesome Birthday. Sarah got me home safely..she always get's me home safe and she is one of my closest and dearest friends..I ♥ her. Josh was our back up plan in-case we were to drunk to drive. The best thing to do before a night of possible heavy drinking is to EAT!! We stuffed ourselves 
with yummy Mexican food..chips, quesadillas and tortillas...and more chips. It's when you don't eat that you wind up throwing up shots before you make it to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with your head leaned
up against the stall trying to make the spins stop or sprawled out on the sidewalk drooling on yourself. That is no bueno and not very classy. I always try and pace myself..I've gotten better over the years. Honestly I don't drink that much anymore and definitely not as arrogantly as I did when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Now it's pretty much Birthday's and the random house or holiday party. I have not had a girls night like that in a very long time. It was good for the soul.
04 November, 2010
Trick or Treat
Halloween was awesome..Always my favorite ♥ I went to a haunted house Friday night with Anna and Sarah. We went to Hangman's House
of Horror and I'll just say the adventure getting there was very..ummm interesting. It should not have been as complicated as it was and somehow it was extremely complicated. We got there in one piece so that's all that matters right? The haunted house was really fun. I would say on a scale on 1-10 for scary factor only about a 5 or 6 but still exciting lol. I worked Sat night and did a turnaround..Meaning I got off at 11:00pm and went back at 7:00am. Ugh.Everyone hates turnarounds..but sometimes it's nice to get it all out of the
way, especially if that turn around is leading into your Friday. I know..it's a complicated way of thinking sometimes. For Halloween night I met Sarah over and Jen-stars Snail ranch and we trick or treated from there. The kids were so freaking cute. Liberti was Bat-girl, Ethan a Vampire and lil miss Miranda Jane was a fairy *very cute one*. We did not win the pumpkin carving contest at work. *sad face* ET did not rock the house as we thought he would, in-fact we came in last place. Bummer :( The executive office staff won, which I can't lie they totally deserved. They did a great job with very little time available and they used glitter..which is always cool! I got a job promotion *happy dance* I am now the Front Office Manager for the Hotel..got a little raise too which is always nice. I have been with
my job for 5 years..I work hard, treat people well and I'm reliable..I definitely feel I deserve it. I will also get to work a little more in the mornings. Josh works days so that will be great! The weather has really started to get cooler around here. We turn the heater on at night lately so we're not freezing in the morning and yesterday was cloudy and rainy..my favorite. This weekend I'm going out downtown for a girls night out. *betta watchout* Haven't had one of these in a while. I'm excited and ready to shake it on the dance
floor! The elections were on Tuesday and yes I voted..and I voted early. Because I voted early I did not get my sticker..kind bummed about that..haha I have a collection of my old ones. I'm seriously a dork. Rick Perry is still the governor of Texas..boo to that! I'm just glad the republicans didn't take the senate..ooh politics..why do you make me so crazy? Speaking of crazy.. The Clomid is in full swing* come on ovaries you can do it*..lol Hot flashes are back.Ugh..at least It makes me laugh ♥
of Horror and I'll just say the adventure getting there was very..ummm interesting. It should not have been as complicated as it was and somehow it was extremely complicated. We got there in one piece so that's all that matters right? The haunted house was really fun. I would say on a scale on 1-10 for scary factor only about a 5 or 6 but still exciting lol. I worked Sat night and did a turnaround..Meaning I got off at 11:00pm and went back at 7:00am. Ugh.Everyone hates turnarounds..but sometimes it's nice to get it all out of the
way, especially if that turn around is leading into your Friday. I know..it's a complicated way of thinking sometimes. For Halloween night I met Sarah over and Jen-stars Snail ranch and we trick or treated from there. The kids were so freaking cute. Liberti was Bat-girl, Ethan a Vampire and lil miss Miranda Jane was a fairy *very cute one*. We did not win the pumpkin carving contest at work. *sad face* ET did not rock the house as we thought he would, in-fact we came in last place. Bummer :( The executive office staff won, which I can't lie they totally deserved. They did a great job with very little time available and they used glitter..which is always cool! I got a job promotion *happy dance* I am now the Front Office Manager for the Hotel..got a little raise too which is always nice. I have been with
my job for 5 years..I work hard, treat people well and I'm reliable..I definitely feel I deserve it. I will also get to work a little more in the mornings. Josh works days so that will be great! The weather has really started to get cooler around here. We turn the heater on at night lately so we're not freezing in the morning and yesterday was cloudy and rainy..my favorite. This weekend I'm going out downtown for a girls night out. *betta watchout* Haven't had one of these in a while. I'm excited and ready to shake it on the dance
floor! The elections were on Tuesday and yes I voted..and I voted early. Because I voted early I did not get my sticker..kind bummed about that..haha I have a collection of my old ones. I'm seriously a dork. Rick Perry is still the governor of Texas..boo to that! I'm just glad the republicans didn't take the senate..ooh politics..why do you make me so crazy? Speaking of crazy.. The Clomid is in full swing* come on ovaries you can do it*..lol Hot flashes are back.Ugh..at least It makes me laugh ♥
29 October, 2010
25 October, 2010
Clomid round 2 and Pumpkin Carving
October has officially arrived :) Today I met Misty and Jillian at a park in Fort Worth to carve pumpkins!! What a way to bring in the festivities of Halloween also known as "All Hallows Eve"..my favorite Holiday of all 
American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. 
We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and 
positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!
American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. 
We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and 
positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!
18 October, 2010
Blah..blah..blah
I called my doctor this morning to ask about what’s possibly going on with my cycle this month. It’s been completely out of whack. The nurse said; that I should wait a few more days and take another pregnancy test because the Clomid made me ovulate on day 18 or 19 which is kind of late. I think I’m going to wait until Wed or Thursday because I’m actually off work. I’d rather take it when I’m off work so that the negative depressiveness doesn’t have to go with me to work. Even if you’re pretty sure you are not pregnant and you take a test and it’s negative…It’s gut wrenching…and it set’s your whole day of on the wrong foot and I hate that feeling, as much as you say it’s not going to affect you it totally does. If it comes up negative then I’ll have to start the drug called prometrium in order to start my cycle again. It’s so crazy to me…I have had a fairly normal cycle and now I’m completely screwed up because of this medication. I’m frustrated, wondering whether or not I should continue with the Clomid. I called my insurance company today and tried to find out what all my insurance covers as far as fertility treatment is concerned. And unfortunately they do not cover much.
I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(
This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.
I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(
This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.
17 October, 2010
Happy 1 Year Houseiversary
Here are some pics from our 1st year!
Our first year of homeownership was amazing. I can only hope this next year will be just as great! I just want to say Thanks to all of our friends and family for making it a special year and Thnaks so much for always being supportive of us! We love you all so much. And to mother nature...we really enjoyed all the snow, please send more this year!
Cheers to another fabulous Year!!
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