Random thoughts

So I finally finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other night, i was pleased it was fantastic...and now i cant wait for the next movie to come out, I read The Order of The Phoenix and just couldn't stop so I had to read the last one…Laugh if you must, I know I'm a bit of a dork, but I love that part of myself, one thing I've learned is that it honestly doesn't matter what others think of you…it's how you feel about yourself…but I had been so enthralled in the story these last couple weeks, that now I'm finished and need to obsessively read something else something just as good…. before my brain explodes in on it's self. Last night I found myself quite annoyed with the television…normally my nights have consisted of watching meaningless crap on TV while I sit pondering life and get no answers, only more questions… since reading the books over the last few weeks I now am completely dissatisfied with everything on TV except for lost, and my all time favorite Voyager…. These political debates and non-stop ramblings of TV anchors is driving me to not give a shit…they say the same ol shit everyday, and plant fear into your head to make you feel insane….any-who reading the stories of Harry Potter were great, It as if I were living the story, obsessively reading each and every chapter hoping it would not end; wishing in some small ridiculous way that life really involved magic… I normally only liked to read books about factual things, real life facts and things about history…. I now have been hurdled into this science fiction world and need more to fill my head, reading the words and thoughts another created is absolutely fascinating, there is something passionate about it… I enjoy the idea of escaping reality through a book, I often wish I were the characters in the books, wishing those were the problems I would need to fix rather than my own life…now I just need a new book to read any suggestions? I've also noted that reading before going to bed has been helping me sleep, it calms the overactive side of my brain that thinks sleep is not a necessity…my brain is still uneasy I'm about to be 25 and what have I done with my life???…I feel like I'm working at a job that I can't imagine working at for the next 5 years, I want to do work that requires all of my potential, my intelligence, my creativity, my passion…. I want work that require all of me, not part of me I'm tired of being a robot in society…And I'm so tired of kissing peoples asses that I'd rather kick, the guest services industry just wears the shit out of you, you become angry and uncaring towards people…. Bitchy guests are getting to me but why? Why should I care? Is it really the guest who gets to me, or is it that I am so tired of dealing with people and their small petty issues that I have no care left for them??? They are just people with issues their selves…I've found myself lately wanting an entire change of scenery in my life…I've been thinking back to things that drove my passion in high school other that Josh… I remember writing all the time, as I have over the last 5 years, it truly is a passion of mine, but only comes in moments of desperation's, or inspiration…Why cant I have it all the time? Just like my art, I love to draw, but only when inspired, when people ask me to draw I feel panic rising up inside, will it be good enough, will they like it…I hate to draw on a time limit…ugh my best work comes when I just do it because something inside drives me to do it…. I remember being in theater and loving the idea of playing someone other than myself; that in it's self was an exhilarating way to feel, my mind felt alive and free; able to mold it's self and pop back to normal at any given second. I secretly yearn to be back in that mind set, learning lines and gathering character from deep within myself, only to throw It onto my audience and see what comes of it…. I don't want to be a famous person, indeed I don't want my life publicly flaunted all over the Television, however I do love the idea of escaping in a character and bring to life something that was merely written for the fun of others to enjoy, there is something about being on stage and being someone else for that single moment, it brings joy, and as I watch movies that are intensely touching to the heart I cant help but wish I could be that person that touches the viewers… I'm not saying I want to run off and be an actress I have responsibilities that must be taken care of; I have a life that I've already created, …but I cant deny that passion that lived in me back then, I've just buried them over the years imagining that I could never embark on such possibilities…It would be great to do a play even if just a small play where only 15 people attended it…I don't know why I'm suddenly drawn back to this passion I so easily left behind and gave up on so long ago…Then I ask my self why I gave it up and didn't pursue it…. and I realize that at that time I was in love, my first love and love at the time was much stronger than my ideas of what job I would have in life…I'm not saying I regret my choices because at the time Its exactly what I wanted, and he is everything that keeps life meaningful…Now I'm looking down this long tunnel of my life and I am scared for the first time in a long time…Will each day pass in the same routine it has….will everyday be full of 8 hour shifts and never having weekends off??? I just have no idea what I really want out of life…. and the more I try and figure out what truly makes me happy…I have no idea…well…I have an idea but what if your dreams feel to far out of reach? What do you tell your self when you feel that you are stuck like chuck?? I want so much to give all of myself to what I'm doing in life, everything seems so unfulfilling, and my attempts are half-assed I feel…. Perhaps I should go back and visit my therapist…. but even then they cant tell you what to do they can help guide you…What if you are afraid to make changes because you feel it will make life difficult for others…What do you do when you feel like your not connected to your real self anymore…that everything you thought you knew and felt about your self was so solid that nothing could persuade you to think any differently, and now it's all gone, poof right out the window, no turning back to say goodbye, just bam…All the sudden you don't know where your going??? I hate this feeling…I have no idea what the future holds for me, and right now I'm so impatient that I'm going mad, and I feel as if nothing fruit full will come…My life isn't like I hoped it would be, although I'm really not sure what I thought it would be….. it's not bad but not fulfilling…with no children in sight I need something else to fill my heart with passion and happiness…I need to fix something within my self, yet if feels unmanageable…even though my issues are small they seem giant standing up to greet them…yet I don't know what it is…It's like I'm a happy person, but deep down I am flustered, disappointed, lost, hopeless, and bothered by all that I have not done with my life, but you know, like most, it's easier to throw that happy face on and just pretend rather then facing what disturbs you and following through on action that could possibly relieve you from your stresses, but like most we just continue in the same old fashion I guess hoping that something will change rather then making it change ourselves …. I've had almost 25 years to do something meaningful…and yet here I sit with nothing to really show…I mean I have a marriage…which is by far wonderful, and exquisite something that we both have worked hard to maintain and create…I admire what Josh and I have, because I see so many people who are in relationships because of a specific reason, a constant: if you will, something that forces them to stay…Josh and I have nothing like that, except the love we share for one another…were together because we truly want to be, and as great as that is….I need more out of life, I need to feel like I'm going somewhere or working toward a bigger picture.…I have time to do so much with my life …but again…I really have not accomplished much and that truly disappoints me…I know that it's not a horrible thing…but it just bothers me…I guess it's what I need….to feel this way… so that it will push me to only move forward with more perseverance….well see how it goes…Time will only tell…and I know I will not feel like this forever but…I will be glad when my thoughts land with a softer acceptance from my own mind…




Thanks for listening…and no need to feel sorry…we all have moments when we feel confused…I'm sure mine is no different than any other persons….I guess that is the one beauty in life…is that we all suffer, physically, emotionally and personally…and sharing our thoughts and experiences is what bonds us together…because it's truly one way we are all alike…despite race, culture, religions…we all have dark moments…