Last round of Clomid..ps (please work) Love, Me...

I started the my last round of Clomid this week. I really hope this month is the month it would be a nice little Christmas surprise. I can't believe it's already gone by so fast :/ At least I won't have to deal with the hot flashes for a while..hehehe. Who knows what they'll put us through when and if we have to see the Reproduction Endocrinologist..Hmmm . I'm trying to think positively about this month it's a little frustrating becuase it feels like I already know it's not going to work..So I'll be in complete shock if it actually does work. There is a big part of me that hopes and wishes since it is our last round maybe it work *giggle* Who knows it would be a fun story that we could tell our child one day..of how much trouble it was..lol. I have high hopes and high nerves. *fingers crossed*

Thanksgiving was this week..I had to work. Ugh! Haha. Josh and I got up at about 10:30 got ready and headed over to see my side of the family..which consist of my Grandma, Dad, Brother and his Wife Teresa. It was pretty low key, chill and relaxing. My dad made a delicious turkey..he always does :) We only stayed there for about an hour and a half and then headed over to Jen and Wooky's house, since Sheila and Bart
were in Louisiana. We saw little miss Miranda and Sarah. I got some mashed potatoes at Jens..hehe. The potatoes weren't ready at my grandmas when we got there..lol. After leaving Jen's we went back home and I got ready for work and that about sums up my Thanksgiving for 2010. Last year we cooked at our house because I was off work..it was great. Josh and I definitely want to cook Thanksgiving dinner next year. Tomorrow Josh and I are cooking our own little dinner and are set to watch Toy Story 3!! The only thing I didn't get to eat on Thanksgiving was green bean casserole..my favorite next to deviled eggs and mashed potatoes..yummm!

Today was my first day off after the long Holiday week at work and I was a complete bum today... I planned on vegging on the couch all day with Netflix but I was actually somewhat productive. I rescued Sarah from Pep Boys..she had a flat and it was going to be 3 hours before they could get to her tire. So I picked her up and we hung out for the afternoon. She helped me decorate my lil Christmas Tree :) It's cute..only about 4 ft tall. I had a bigger one but my grandma wanted to have a big Christmas tree for Arthur so I traded with her so he could enjoy the big Tree! I remember as a child we always had a big tree..I loved it! We also went for an evening walk and I discovered this secret path through our neighborhood. I love random adventures..especially at sunset on a crispy cool November evening . Good times...

Three gators in a pool..

I had very strange dreams this morning.. I was in a house with a pool in the backyard. I've been to this place before in my dreams several times. It might even be Josh's parents house but in Louisiana or something. I just remember going outside to go for a swim..but there were alligators in the pool..and the water was murky like a pond. There were a total of 3 gators in the pool. I went inside to get my camera so I could take pictures of them..when I would look down at them to focus the camera it made their eye's big, as if they were staring straight thought my soul. The sky was very odd looking too but that's really all I can remember. I also had a weird dream on Saturday night.. I was out at a club or bar of some sort and someone told me that Sarah's mom had lung cancer..and yes this is the same Sarah that frequents my dreams. I went to go see them and Sarah's dad would not speak to me..and then it was over. Strange..and I waited too long to write about it so I lost most of the good details.

Bummer

AF came today..right on time too :( Well all I can say is I hope this is a "Third times a charm" kinda thing. I'm kind of disappointed..obviously. I guess I'm happy it came though after last month being late 2 weeks. Taking a pg test on Thanksgiving would have just been a slap in the face anyway..I feel very let down but I'm glad it came when it did. Looks like it just might not be in our cards to have a child.. My heart is heavy today, my eyes are holding back tears and my smile is a little forced but I'm going to keep my head high..and try and enjoy this holiday week..

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

Ovulation is a go...

Finally...Texas has received some Fall-ish weather. The leaves are dancing all around, the sun is setting early, the air is crisp and I am in love with it all. I went from by progesterone test on Monday of this week and my Doctor called Wednesday to say everything looked great and that I defiantly ovulated this month *yay* Now we're in the "wait and see if it worked phase" again...haha. I will take a pregnancy test on Thanksgiving if I have not had my cycle by then. It will be CD-35 for me...last month I went 42-CD's and that was horrible, my brain wanted to implode in on it's self...if that's even possible. Ugh...the wait & "What if" was almost unbearable to take, obsessive thoughts were playing in my head 24 hours a day and each day that I was late. If it's negative on Thursday then I'll start the drug (prometrium) to start my cycle again. So my fingers are crossed and...my toes *giggle giggle* that there is a little bun in my oven. And if not..well we've got another month to try...so I'm pretty happy about that. Something I'm even more excited about is "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" Part 1 *happy dance* It comes out tomorrow. Oh-Emm-Gee I can't freaking wait! Date night with Harry Potter is always worth it. Normally we wait up and see the midnight showing but this year we're planning to go Sunday with the guys. Josh and I both have to work early the next morning. I'm going home tonight to watch the "Half Blood Prince" so I'm caught up and and ready for the new one Sunday. I was going to re-read the last book..but I really haven't had time and if I start now I'll get absolutely nothing done over the next few days.

A November Girls Night ♥

Time change has happened once again! I'm not complaining.. It just takes me a few days to get back on track lol. And for some odd reason I refuse to turn my house clocks over for at least 3-5 days.. Every year..seriously. I will say that this year's fall daylight savings time definitely benefited me!So I'm happy about that. I had a girls night *happy dance* and got an extra hour to be out since the time fell back at 2am. Actually I think it was more helpful that I got the extra hour to sleep..Sarah and I made the trek across downtown to the parking garage and it was already after midnight so we really didn't need any extra drinking time haha. It was sooo much fun! Anna's friend Crystal, who is super cute..had her Birthday in Downtown Fort Worth, I got them a really great rate at the Hotel and about 15 girls showed up to celebrate at Cantina Laredo! We had yummy food and Mango Margaritas. They were delicious but really expensive..eek! After Cantina Laredo we walked down to 8.0 a bar with a big outside patio area...they usually have a band but it was kinda dead and we were looking to have some fun. We walked to the Library next and that's where we stayed :) It was loud, crazy, packed and exciting..plus the drinks are pretty cheap and that's always a plus. Once we got to the Library time just flew by. We were all having soo much fun..I think Crystal had a really awesome Birthday. Sarah got me home safely..she always get's me home safe and she is one of my closest and dearest friends..I ♥ her. Josh was our back up plan in-case we were to drunk to drive. The best thing to do before a night of possible heavy drinking is to EAT!! We stuffed ourselves with yummy Mexican food..chips, quesadillas and tortillas...and more chips. It's when you don't eat that you wind up throwing up shots before you make it to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with your head leaned up against the stall trying to make the spins stop or sprawled out on the sidewalk drooling on yourself. That is no bueno and not very classy. I always try and pace myself..I've gotten better over the years. Honestly I don't drink that much anymore and definitely not as arrogantly as I did when I was in my late teens and early 20's. Now it's pretty much Birthday's and the random house or holiday party. I have not had a girls night like that in a very long time. It was good for the soul.

Trick or Treat

Halloween was awesome..Always my favorite ♥ I went to a haunted house Friday night with Anna and Sarah. We went to Hangman's House
of Horror and I'll just say the adventure getting there was very..ummm interesting. It should not have been as complicated as it was and somehow it was extremely complicated. We got there in one piece so that's all that matters right? The haunted house was really fun. I would say on a scale on 1-10 for scary factor only about a 5 or 6 but still exciting lol. I worked Sat night and did a turnaround..Meaning I got off at 11:00pm and went back at 7:00am. Ugh.Everyone hates turnarounds..but sometimes it's nice to get it all out of the way, especially if that turn around is leading into your Friday. I know..it's a complicated way of thinking sometimes. For Halloween night I met Sarah over and Jen-stars Snail ranch and we trick or treated from there. The kids were so freaking cute. Liberti was Bat-girl, Ethan a Vampire and lil miss Miranda Jane was a fairy *very cute one*. We did not win the pumpkin carving contest at work. *sad face* ET did not rock the house as we thought he would, in-fact we came in last place. Bummer :( The executive office staff won, which I can't lie they totally deserved. They did a great job with very little time available and they used glitter..which is always cool! I got a job promotion *happy dance* I am now the Front Office Manager for the Hotel..got a little raise too which is always nice. I have been with my job for 5 years..I work hard, treat people well and I'm reliable..I definitely feel I deserve it. I will also get to work a little more in the mornings. Josh works days so that will be great! The weather has really started to get cooler around here. We turn the heater on at night lately so we're not freezing in the morning and yesterday was cloudy and rainy..my favorite. This weekend I'm going out downtown for a girls night out. *betta watchout* Haven't had one of these in a while. I'm excited and ready to shake it on the dance floor! The elections were on Tuesday and yes I voted..and I voted early. Because I voted early I did not get my sticker..kind bummed about that..haha I have a collection of my old ones. I'm seriously a dork. Rick Perry is still the governor of Texas..boo to that! I'm just glad the republicans didn't take the senate..ooh politics..why do you make me so crazy? Speaking of crazy.. The Clomid is in full swing* come on ovaries you can do it*..lol Hot flashes are back.Ugh..at least It makes me laugh ♥

ET Phone home.

My pumpkin for the 2010 Hotel Pumpkin Carving Contest

Clomid round 2 and Pumpkin Carving

October has officially arrived :) Today I met Misty and Jillian at a park in Fort Worth to carve pumpkins!! What a way to bring in the festivities of Halloween also known as "All Hallows Eve"..my favorite Holiday of all American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!

Blah..blah..blah

I called my doctor this morning to ask about what’s possibly going on with my cycle this month. It’s been completely out of whack. The nurse said; that I should wait a few more days and take another pregnancy test because the Clomid made me ovulate on day 18 or 19 which is kind of late. I think I’m going to wait until Wed or Thursday because I’m actually off work. I’d rather take it when I’m off work so that the negative depressiveness doesn’t have to go with me to work. Even if you’re pretty sure you are not pregnant and you take a test and it’s negative…It’s gut wrenching…and it set’s your whole day of on the wrong foot and I hate that feeling, as much as you say it’s not going to affect you it totally does. If it comes up negative then I’ll have to start the drug called prometrium in order to start my cycle again. It’s so crazy to me…I have had a fairly normal cycle and now I’m completely screwed up because of this medication. I’m frustrated, wondering whether or not I should continue with the Clomid. I called my insurance company today and tried to find out what all my insurance covers as far as fertility treatment is concerned. And unfortunately they do not cover much.

I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(

This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.

Happy 1 Year Houseiversary

Saturday October 16th 2010was our 1 year House Anniversary!!

The first year was full of excitment, snow, friends, storms, parties and Love.
Here are some pics from our 1st year!

Signed the paperwork and got the keys


Moved the first boxes in


Celebrated Halloween with Friends




Cooked Thanksgiving dinner for our Family and Friends






Snow on Christmas Eve


Still can't believe we had a white Christmas


Got to ring in the New Year with Sarah
Happy 2010


A random morning Sunrise from the backyard


Our Palm Tree


A foot of snow in February


The creek behind our house


Our 2010 Snowman


Drinks with friends on the patio




Roxy, Daisy & Scruffy


Parties and Grilling











Our first year of homeownership was amazing. I can only hope this next year will be just as great! I just want to say Thanks to all of our friends and family for making it a special year and Thnaks so much for always being supportive of us! We love you all so much. And to mother nature...we really enjoyed all the snow, please send more this year!

Cheers to another fabulous Year!!

A craptastic day!

Still no sign of Aunt Flow and this morning I took a home pregnancy test and it was a Big Fat Negative otherwise know and a BFN. I learned this as I was obsessing over Clomid forums last night. Guess I'll be calling my doctor in the morning to see what's going on. After taking my test this morning I went into the living room depressed and bummed, I slumped onto the couch and then got up to let the dogs in since they sleep in the laundry room at night. Daisy came running in first and after and few minutes I realized that Roxy and Scruffy had not come to lick and jump on me yet which is odd because usually they are climbing on top of one another just to get to me. I went out to the back yard only to find the gate wide open. I immediately freaked out and ran into the street. Roxy was just coming across the street and I didn’t see scruffy anywhere. I started yelling out his name and then I burst into tears and then a hard sob. I called Josh at work, thankfully he answered. I cried my way through telling him that scruffy was gone. At that moment I really did think that we’d ever see him again. I walked up our whole block twice crying the entire time. I asked a few kids if they saw a little dog. One little boy said he saw two dogs but when he explained to me what they looked like I realized that he was talking about Daisy and Roxy. Today is the first time I’ve meet some of my neighbors and I must say in my moment of utter desperation and sadness… they were all extremely nice and comforting. Several people got my house number and said if they found him they’d bring him to me it was comforting. I got back to the house after the second walk around the block and went into the laundry room crying and asking Roxy to go find scruffy… she just looked at me with her head low to the ground…I could tell that they knew something wasn’t right, Daisy had a very nervous look on her face and right behind me the whole time. I walked outside and Josh pulled up (he rushed from work.. thank goodness we live somewhat close to our jobs) I ran to his arms sobbing and crying and he just squeezed me realy tight and kissed my head. He then went straight in the house grabbed Roxy and said lets go. He let Roxy down and kind of followed her…all the while Josh is saying “which way did he go Roxy”. The way we were going I told Josh he probably wasn’t down there because it was kind of far and a boy on that street did not see any dogs… But low and behold about two blocks over there was Scruffy hiding out by a fence of other dogs. Poor little guy must have been lost and afraid…when he saw us he was excited but afraid to come out to us until we got a bit closer. I cried even more when we found him *sigh* Thank God I have Josh in my life sometimes I’m just not sure what I’d do with out him he truly is my personal hero :)

Scruffy is one lucky pup. We still have no clue how the gate came to be open but Josh bought a lock on his way home from work. So I feel a lot better now. After a year in the house this is the first time any of our dogs have gotten out…it’s very scary. My dogs are like little people to me they have such a important part of my heart and today I felt my heart was breaking. Someone was looking over our shoulder today and for that I’m very thankful.

Anticipation can bite me

Anticipation...is not my friend.

On a fertility update - I'm two days late and have been feeling for 3 days like I'm going get a visit from Aunt Flow but nothing yet so...as you can imagine I'm kind of a hormonal ball of mess right now. I'm keeping it in pretty well as to not seem on the outside like such a crazy female but I sure feel it. Ugh! I know it is just two days but when you're trying to get pregnant every hour can feel like a day..yes I know it's so dramatic lol. Eeerrrr!! I really hate waiting. I wish it would just come already if it's gonna.. stop teasing me. At first.. 4 days ago I was excited because I woke up and my nipples were really sore. They still are which is odd for me. I've had sore breast before but not nipples. So of course I got super excited inside and though ohhhh..this could be the first sign so I bought a two pack test I took one and it was negative, my mom thinks it's too early to tell. I think my brain is playing tricks on my body haha. I've been having lower back pain for the last 3 days, as if I'm going to start any minute..it's weird and I've felt the normal moodiness that comes along so I'm guessing I'll probably start soon. My anxious thoughts about everything is probably what's causing me to be late or maybe the fact that I've been taking the Clomid. Huummmm well I guess I'll wait a bit longer but if no visit by Sat..I'll take a test. I remember in the past...that every time I'd finally get the courage up to go buy the damned test I would finally start..lol

peace.love.freckles

Lake Charles Trip 2010

Josh and I made the pilgrimage home to Lake Charles, Louisiana to see his family and it was fantastic. It's been quite a while since we went down for a visit. The trip was a great getaway from the stresses of working and everyday life. We left out early Tuesday morning and of course I woke up with the sun and was so excited I could not go back to sleep. So I finished up the packing, waited for my mom to come over, got the dogs fed and the trash out to the curb. It was about 7 hours to get there…the drive was very..very long. GPS told us to go the new way… so we decided to be a little adventurous and do it. We got there with no problem and the drive was very scenic, we went through several small towns…the kind of towns you blink and they’re gone. We got in at about 6:45 and made it to Popou’s house.. It was his birthday so Nanny, Josh and I joined him at Outback for dinner and it was delish! After dinner we went to bed pretty early, we were both pretty tired from driving all day and when I mean early I mean like 8:30 and that is really early for me. I’m normally a late night owl and I was exhausted.
Every time I’ve gone to Louisiana it has been a quick trip and we’ve never really had much time to do anything else other than visit with family and then head back…so Wednesday morning after breakfast Josh gave me a tour of Lake Charles!! We went to the downtown area and new civic center on the lakefront. It was like a mini beach with
pretty sand and a plethora of shells to collect. We rode around town and went to lunch at Hollier’s Cajun Kitchen. Talk about real authentic Cajun food! It was really good.. Josh and I both had the crawfish etouffee… we were definitely stuffed when we left. After lunch Josh and I went to the Ryan’s house and Mamaw made Josh’s favorite meal… roast rice and gravy with potato salad, I scarfed everything down so fast..Josh even had seconds. I need to learn how to make it for him someday :) After dinner we had wine and chatted with the Ryan’s for a while it's always so nice seeing them..you can really talk for hours and not realize it. The next morning we had breakfast with the Ryan’s and then Kate and Irene came to see us!After that we went to Starbucks to get our internet fix..Josh would probably say it was my internet fix but I know he enjoyed too. We spent the afternoon swimming in the pool and Nanny and Popou’s house. I never knew that Nanny was a smoker..hehe We had a cig on the back patio with her..I think she liked it. There is nothing like having a pool all to yourself, it was deep, clean, pretty, sparkly and had a diving board…needless to say we had a blast. I learned that Josh is quite a fish in the water *giggle* and he has
great form when it comes to diving. He’s so freaking cute…I love him so much! Josh drove me out to the Camp on the bayou that Josh’s papa “Jugg” George Washington Ryan built with his own hands. Josh spent his summers out at the camp with the Ryan's and with the Bernard's..both set's lived in lake Charles only a few minutes from one another. I think the Ryan's lived at the camp for at least more than 10 years while one of their children lived in their home..They are an awesome family to be apart of..I feel very blessed! It was really neat to see the camp..this place I’ve so often heard him talk about. It is for sale now. The Ryan’s are now in their nineties and just really don’t have the ability to keep up with it any longer. During hurricane Katrina and Rita the camp suffered damage when the bayou flooded…so it’s a little run down now. I really wish that Josh and I could somehow save it and keep it in the family. It’s just something you have to see for yourself I guess, just being there I could feel the happiness that echoed out. I was really glad that I got to see it in person before it’s sold. Josh seemed really happy to see it again too..I could see and read his thoughts as all his childhood memories of the camp kind of washed over him…sad in some ways. The night before we left Josh and I drove out to the casino’s on the lake…I've never in my life been gambling or even stepped foot in a casino. It was a fabulous experience, we were pretty cheap and only spent 20 dollars each. (That is the secret to not losing all your money Ive heard..lol) I won my money back on the first slot machine…talk about beginners luck!!

It was a great trip and it was so lovely getting to see everyone. We are definitely going to make this a yearly trip..

peace.love.freckles

Happy Birthday Pnut

My husband is 30 years old now Eeeek…that means I’m not far behind.Josh got a fancy grill for his birthday from his parents Bart and Sheila, they came over to our house Saturday and brought Chipotle for dinner *yumm*. We put the grill use Monday September 27th for Josh’s 30th Birthday celebration in the back yard. I'm thinking it was the first of many more BBQ's to come. It was really a great day, the weather was amazing..Fall is definitely showing her love to us all...and Sarah pretty much spent the day with me running errands and getting food together…she is awesome!!Jen, Wooky, Justin, Ant, Sarah, Misty, Ben and all the kiddo’s, minus Miranda came to enjoy the BBQ that Josh cooked up and my goodness it was finger licking good :) I’m very lucky to have a husband and chef all rolled into one. I personally think 30 looks good on him..He seemed a little bothered by turning 30 throughout the month..but the day came and went and he seemed just the same hehe. I think things only get better after 30...your twenties are all about figuring it out..thirties are about putting that life experience to use..haha at least that's what I think now..I'll get back with ya when I'm turning 30 lol