Grief is the most arduous, exhausting, gut wrenching, heartbreaking emotional work that you will most likely ever do. It takes so much energy. Know that you are strong as you cry, as you wail, as you collapse from the weight of the sorrow. Know you are strong as you face your feelings and hold onto the love that whispers through your soul. Although you don't feel brave, know that you are courageous and strong in your brokenness.
I found the above quote on my Facebook status feed today and it really hit a nerve... It really is the truth.
It has officially been a month since my hopes of motherhood completely collapsed. I cry less and less, but still have moments of tearful sadness. I find that I feel pissed off more than anything. How unfair. . . how unfair that there are no answers as to why this happened, how unfair I have to wait for another miscarriage to find out if I have lupus or Antiphospholipid syndrome, or something else. . . Or maybe next time things will go great and I'll never have to feel this type of loss again. Who knows - It all just makes me mad, I guess this is one of the stages of the grieving process. I'll be glad when this passes.
My Father In-law and I were talking through email and I said "This is a lonely type of grief to go through" and I mean it. . .
At times I feel like it never happened, as if I dreamed it all up. No one sends cards, or flowers to tell you they are sorry for you loss, most do not acknowledge what has happened because they are probably afraid to bring it up. I'm not expecting a pity party, or everyone to feel sorry for me, or even for people to feel obligated to talk to me about it. It just makes me a kind of sad that I feel so alone in this. I hate it. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I hate that there is a huge hole inside of my chest. It is painful, yet invisible to the world. I want to talk about my miscarriage, yet I feel afraid to bring it up. Even my closest friends do not really ask how I'm doing. I see them, we talk and catch up on what's going on in each others lives, we laugh, we talk about everything, except that. No one really asks "Hey how are you doing" or "Do you need to talk". . . Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It is very lonely walking down this road I'm on. I do not wish it upon anyone. I love my friends, and I know they love me with all their hearts, and in time maybe they will ask me about it; so I can share my deepest sorrow with them. It is not really okay until you cry it out with your friends, and I really haven't done that. Everything feels so heavy in my heart. . . the right time will come. Evey ones lives are busy. . . So I'm not angry at them, it is just hard sometimes, hard holding it in, and hard carrying around the weight of it. In all honestly I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, if I could just stop feeling so angry inside...
Today I had to go in for labs at the Fertility office, again :| This is hopefully the last one I'll have to do. Since the miscarriage I've had to go in once a week so they can monitor my HCG levels, and make sure they go down to 0. Last time they were at a 2, so hopefully this was my last visit.
Each time I have to go in for the labs it just reminds me of the awfulness that transpired. The awfulness that ruined my favorite month. The awfulness that breaks my heart. It brings back memories, and puts me in a crabby mood; hence the crabby post. I really hope today was the last lab. I'm currently waiting on AF, then I'm supposed to start Birth Control until we are ready to do out next IUI in hopes that my Endo doesn't go crazy. I hope the next few months pass by quickly :)
That part makes me sad, I can't go see her either... it's just too hard for me to go around her right now. I know she understands, but it still makes me feel like a big baby. Errr. By now we would have been able to find out the sex. *sigh* Would it have been a little boy, a sweet faced girl??? We'll never know. My heart still hurts for the loss of our Little Bean. . . I catch myself daydreaming about what would have been, what it would have felt like to have a tiny human inside of me, what it would have been like to see that baby's face for the first time, to gaze upon its face and cry tears of pure joy... Ugggg. Rest in Peace little Bean - you will never leave my heart!
