The Infertile wave is crashing over us...

It feels like the clouds have opened up and let the sun shine on my heart again! The last 5 months have been like a roller coaster ride dealing with this infertility junk My emotions have literally been up and down, and up and down and up and down again. There have been many tears..but I'm not giving up just yet :)



AF came to visit on Sunday so I called my doctor's nurse this week and she already had my referral ready. I didn't expect to feel as emotional about it as I did. All month I'd been trying not to even think about it, obsess about or fantasize about it. To no avail...I was a mess of tears on my ride home from work, feeling as hopeless as ever and just plain and simple...feeling sorry for my self. It was a miserable feeling.

A few days ago I called the Reproduction Endocrinologist office and set up an appointment for March 10th!! Josh and I will go together and sit with the Doc and go over all of our previous records and start a new "plan of action". I now feel revived, renewed and ready to continue riding the Infertile wave that is crashing over us. My heart has been sad for some time...and it sux! This fairytale life we envisioned when we got married is not turning out the way we planed. Don't get me wrong... We have all the love you could imagine...just no children to share that love with. We laugh, have deep conversations often, we play music and listen to comedy, we watch Star Trek and cartoons, and clean house together with the music up loud, we get fruffy (our word for pissy or being mad) and have days where we hardly say a word to each other but at the end of the day we don't go to bed angry. We allow each other to have our down days and just try to be supportive on the upside of things. Yes... I know it's totally cliche but it's the truth. I married a Libra they are logical and balanced, in turn he has rubbed off on me over the years and taught me how to not let my emotions rule my life. However... it doesn't work allll the time lol. Zoloft 50mg definitely helps hehe... it is one of my best friends and keeps me from letting my crazy *Interfile Madness* spill out into the real world. And let me tell you...that is an awesome thing.

Example: The day before Thanksgiving I had to get my Clomid before everything closed for the holiday. I left on my lunch break to pick it up because I had to start taking it on day 5 which happened to be the next day Thanksgiving. I stood in line for 25 minutes at the Wal-mart pharmacy, got to the counter with my box of tampons in hand as well, since obviously I wasn't cooking a bun in my oven, I asked for my prescription, they didn't have it because it was called into the wrong pharmacy. Girl at the counter sent me to the next counter to talk with someone else, I take my tampons with me to pay for them, I talk with a woman who tells me it's going to be at least 3-5 hours before they can put my 5 little pills in a bottle and get them ready *assholes* so I decided I might as well go back to work and have Josh pick it up, I ask to pay for the *Vampire floss* Josh's word for tampons and the woman tells me that she can't check me out here that I have to go back and stand in line. I proceeded burst into tears and walk away cussing under my breath and then threw the effing box of tampons at the bench in between the two pharmacy counter windows. People thought I was crazy, and for a moment I truly was. That my friends is why Zoloft is my friend...lol.

So back to what I was originally talking about...lol. I truly believe that Josh and I are a happy couple on the inside and out. We... like any couple have our moments and days when we are on completely different vibes and the beauty is that most of the time we let each other chill out on that vibe and catch up the next go around. Being a couple isn't losing yourself and becoming that person. It's losing yourself and that person helping you find *you* again, that person loving you on your worst days of tears, crazy emotions, and utter hopelessness. Mr. Pnut has been a loving and supportive husband through all of this, he takes his vitamins and listens and smiles when I gripe at him for drinking red bull because it is bad for the little guys. He understands because he's going through it with me...we are in this together. He may not be the one having the intense uncontrollable emotions, hot flashes or visits from Aunt flow but I know every month that I start sobbing when it didn't work he is immediately softer, unselfish, completely and honestly my best friend. I could not ask for anything more and if anything... all of this infertility stuff is bringing us closer together on a level we never imagined being on.

Lately I find myself looking at a lot of infertility forums and blogs late at night when I can't sleep and in between the "2 week wait". Last night I found a site called "999 reasons to laugh at infertility" It seriously is my new favorite addiction!!

Well..no September baby for me :(

Clomid was worth a try but now it's time to see the RE.

A girl can dream can't she?

My dreams have been really active lately... yet I haven't quite been able to put one full dream together :/ During the day I have daydream moments or when I'm really concentrating on something I get these flashes of memories that I know I didn't have in real life and they are so fresh...so they must be from dreams I've been having. There for a while every time I stood at the sink to do dishes I would get into this zone and clean and think about random shit... I'd have these same type memory/dreams...it's almost as if I was so in tune with myself in that moment that I was able to let everything flow to the surface. Kind of like being in a zen moment. They are very odd dreams that don't make much sense... just random thoughts about stuff from the previous days or about finding stuff I've lost or broken. I feel as though I'm leading up to one of my epic dreams..lol. I haven't had a really good one in a while. The moon in the sign of cancer tonight... It was beautiful and bright hanging there in the sky :) Something about looking up at the moon makes me feel secure deep inside...I know that is silly but it really puts me back in my place. When I think things have gone crazy I just look up and try to remember where I am in the big scheme of things...it's so easy to forget sometimes!

I have been feeling very mechanical lately, as if I am attached to a magical pulley system that get's me from point A to point B. Like nothing I do requires a lot of thought or maybe I'm just floating along the ripples of the day, doing what I do everyday; maintaining the emotional realm of "Crito". I hate feeling this way..errrr even thought I know the feeling wont last forever it just frustrates me that I can't always control how easily I let things break me down. I get this way in between cycles waiting and hoping to see if it has worked. The in-between time takes forever and then suddenly *Boom* your cycle starts...and then it's another trip uphill on a roller-coaster ride! Ugh...you just have to numb down your brain a bit so you don't have a complete emotional freak-out. I was looking at the calendar and if I did get pregnant this time around, I'd be due on Josh's Birthday and if not maybe next month, because then I would be due on Halloween!! Hey...a girl can dream can't she!?!

This and that...

Finally work is done and I have two days off in a row *does happy dance and then falls to the floor into a pile of floppy human limbs because she is so tired* Yes, I know..lol a bit dramatic haha! Yesterday Angie and I set up our booth at the convention center, then went back to work and then got back up early to go and represent The Ashton Hotel in the Fort Worth Star Telegram Bridal show. Whew...my feet were soo sore by the end of the day. At exactly five o'clock we were allowed to break down our section. We literally were standing from 10am to 5pm and talking the entire time about the hotel and everything we do for weddings. My brain is exhausted and a little angry at me..hahaha! I really enjoyed getting to see so many excited and newly engaged women with their moms, sisters, friends and some fiance's! And omg...some of the girls we saw we so young! I guess I really can't criticize because I was pretty young when I got married, I'm sure the girls who sold me my dress at age 19 thought the same thing. It was definitely a blast and it will be great business for the Hotel. The last few weeks were busy yet seemed to drag by endlessly..ugh!

My mom drove with me to Oklahoma for my cousin Erica's wedding, which was beautiful *tear*. We stayed the night at her house and had a few drinks with her maid of honor and brother Andrew. They have grown up so much, it's crazy how fast time goes by and how quickly people grow up and into their own. The drive up was refreshing, we jammed to some good groves and were witness to an alluring country side with beautiful blue skies :) I love road trips for that sole reason! Getting out of the city and breathing in the fresh air..seeing grass and trees everywhere...it's just amazing. Also a little dispiriting how living in the city can make you forget what it feels like to not be anchored down by such a robotic
daily routine. I'm not saying I hate my life by any means, just that I wish I had more real life mixed in with this technologically infused reality we call life. In Oklahoma my cousins live on a bunch of land...we woke up at 9:00 in the morning on a Saturday to go horseback riding through the cow pastures, up and down creeks, through small rivers of water..it was very real and grounding. I felt more connected with myself and thoughts then I have in a while. It made me feel alive and buoyant,
ready to go again and explore more unseen land and feel the power of the beautiful creature that carries me across land. After riding for a while we drove into town (about 15 minutes away) and got McDonald's..hehe. Even though I feel anchored down by the copula of city life I still realize that this is my life no matter what! I'm grateful that I have family that I can visit in order to to calm that nature craving part of my soul. The wedding was quite lovely, full of passionate young love ready to take on the world.It was charming to see Uncle Andy all shined up in a suit for his daughters special day, he looked handsome :)I wish them both all the happiness life can possibly offer them. Mom and I drove back home Saturday night after the wedding, we stayed for part of the reception and then headed out and made it into Fort Worth around midnight. Lucky for us too, because it snowed the next morning!

Tomorrow I plan to sleep in and visit my grandmother. I'll save cleaning my messy house and doing the pile of laundry on my floor that keeps growing for Tuesday. And I'm finally taking down my Christmas tree..lol. It's just a little one so it won't be too difficult to put away. On a fertility note: I'm currently waiting for AF to come *laughs out loud* we'll see if Clomid worked for us on the 4th try. I doubt it but ya never know hehe! After last month I've pushed back a lot of my enthusiastic thoughts. I'm not giving up and not being negative..just taking it one day at a time and not getting my hopes up...this could be a long process and there is no need to get crazy this early in the game...
xoxo

January Sunset

Yesterday as I walked out of the grocery store I was hit in the face by one of natures most beautiful wonders, an evening sunset with amazingly vibrant colors... It was auuh-mazing...and stole the breath right out of me. I love the sunsets and sunrises here in Texas..they are always so pretty. My cousin Erica is getting married this Saturday in Wilburton, Oklahoma...so I am taking Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday off...Woohoo! I definitely need a little break from this busy city. I'm super excited for her, and super excited to wear my cute little bridesmaid dress!! This will be the first time I've been a bridesmaid in someone's wedding!! The only bad thing..is the timing of it all. I've been peeing on strips all week hoping for my pink line to show up indicating that it's ovulation time. It needs to hurry... I've been worried that I wont ovulate until I get to Oklahoma...eeek!! :/ I really hope it happens tomorrow or at least by Friday...haha. Josh was going to go to the wedding, but Popou is coming in town for Lake Charles, and taking all the guys (Bart, Josh and Wooky) to the Cotton Bowl game to watch LSU kick the shit out of A&M..haha, so needless to say Josh got luck this time. Sooo...we are patiently waiting and hoping for that line to show up tonight or tomorrow that way we can get all the baby making time in that is humanly possible. LOL I told him that I will have to pounce on him before I leave for my trip and then as soon as I get home and walk in the door..it's on! I know this is probably a little too personal to some..but if you've been following my blog then you understand..heheh.

Welcome to twenty eleven!!

Another year has passed and new year is here to play! That means my Birthday is right around the corner and I'll be 28 years old...wow!! I would bitch about it...but honestly I'm excited about growing older..it seems to get better and better and I seem to have more of an understanding of myself the older I get :)

Let's see... Twenty-Ten.. was our first full year in the house..hehehe. We had some ups and downs but mostly up's, a lot of laughter, many snuggle days, movie nights, BBQ's, sky watching, friends and family dinners. It was more then I could possibly ask for! I've been blessed with true friends that care about my well being and my happiness..and blessed with an amazingly supportive family. This last part of the year has certainly been the most difficult for us emotionally. Trying to conceive a child when you are having infertility problems can really take a lot out of you mentally. The many months of Clomid, hot flashes, dashed hopes and negative pregnancy tests has been the hardest part of the year. I've finished my 4th round of Clomid last week and we'll know if it worked at the end of this month. Last month was particularly the worst month of all... It was Christmas and I was sure (in my heart) that we'd be blessed with an amazing present. It didn't really work in our favor which left me very sad inside..so I cried it all out, picked myself up and walked forward with my head held high...because really that's all you can do.

So...for this new year I'm going to be positive and continue to have high hopes that Josh and I will create our own family. I don't normally make new years resolutions...because I hate to set my self up for immediate failure..lol. However I do want to try and keep positivity in my life, live in the moment vs. the past, spend more time with my family... I want to continue to be optimistic and grateful for all the wonderful things I have instead of being unhappy for the things I don't have, I want to let my creativity flow freely from my soul and create things that make others happy. I want to be more organized..hehe. I want to be a good person and help those around me as best as I can.

Happy New Year everyone...may you all be blessed with Love, Good Health and lot's of Laughter - xoxox