the fight of my life..

My life as a sober person has been wholesome, uplifting and most of all groundbreaking.

Groundbreaking why? Because there was honestly a time when I thought I'd never be able to stop using. I honestly thought that for the rest of my life I'd be trying to get my fix. And now that I know I can live with out that fix, I am reborn into a life of happier times. Because I sleep on the weekends, because I wake up happy in the mornings, and I wake up loving life…

I've gained back so much that I lost so long ago. And I am pround of my self for the first time in a very long time.

I have things in life that make me happy to not use...

Like my husband, My dear friends, my God daughter, and new Godson. My family most of all.

Would I want them looking up to me like that? Hell no..

I have friends that I love, and friends that love me, no longer do I have to hide from myself. I have learned to love myself, and love who I am it's been a hard road. But I'm happy to say that I'm going to stay on this road. I cant turn back now, it would be the worst ending to one of my greatest stories.

I am a happier person these days, I get more done..

I laugh at life more, and I try hard at the things that I choose to do. It hasn't been easy, but with the help of a pregnant friend named Sarah early this year in Jan, I was able to see just what my life was all about. She is an honest friend, a blunt friend who would tell you when your fucking up. I stopped honestly because I didnt want Sarah to think I was a bad person...She's the mother of my God-children and her opinion matters a lot. I stopped for many reasons, but she really showed me and told me what I was all about..For her I am oh so thankful..She got mad at me when she knew I was using...I couldn't stand that feeling. It felt like my mom was yelling at me...
But again, without hearing what she really thought, without hearing Josh's true feelings about it all...

I would still be using every day in secret, hoping no one would know.

Free of my destructive meth addiction. And when I mean destructive, I mean earth shattering.The Monkey I fought with for 3-4 years can no longer pray upon my thriving soul. I started smoking meth, and doing ecstasy with a friend, it started out as a weekend thing, something fun to do, we'd sit up all night talking about life, never really solving any of our problems, more less just figuring out where we were. Even then we had no clue where we really were.

I was a weekend warrior. Any drug that came my way, I abused. It honestly didn't matter what it was I did it I just wanted to be high, and not me. Now days I try and ask myself, what was so wrong that I had to hide from myself? Why did I feel the need to terrorize my heart?

My drugs of choice at one time were, ice, ecstasy, coke, pills, shroom's, and acid anything that was offered up to me I did. For some reason I wasn't concerned or even afraid I would die, or become damaged in some way. I guess you could say I thought I was invincible. I was so wrong. I was so very wrong. Your body starts fighting back, your mind gets lost and then you don't even understand why you are the way you are. So you go and cover up all the pain you just caused yourself with more pain. The amount of drugs that Ingested every week, is now unthinkable in my sober mind. I think about it and already my heart wants to pop. How could I have lived when I just pumped my body full of toxins????

How is this possible? sad, No? Not sad at all. Pathetic Yes. In every way thinkable

Meth is so addictive; you don't know you've been pulled under until the whole world is sitting on your chest. You think it makes you happy; and momentarily it does, while in the cracks and crevices of your mind your true self lays abandoned and broken, waiting for you to remember the softness of your being.You think it opens your mind, and maybe it does. I'm a much different person sine I chose a life of drug abuse. But the pain I endured becoming who I am isn't' really the right way to go about it.

Thinking and looking back at all that I had done, I am amazed at myself and sometimes angered. I wonder often how I let myself be so damned destructive. What was I trying to forget? Who was I trying to impress? Who was I trying to hurt?
I love me now, for Me. I am able to look in the mirror, and smile, but I can feel the smile deep within. It's something I could never feel when I was using. When I was using I would look into the mirror, and pray that no one knew how messed up I was. I was hiding from the world and hoping secretly that someone would call me out. Hoping secretly that someone would bust my balls, so that I would have an excuse to stop. I've been watching intervention a lot lately, it really hits me hard, thinking I was in their shoes, and no longer have to struggle as hard to stay happy. But you still have to struggle…

anyone who's had an addiction can tell you that it never goes away..

Well I guess that's not true, in a sense I struggle everyday to stay on top of my growth. It's a battle I fight every time I see my old friends, I think back to all the crazy times we had, all the weekends we spent not sleeping and driving all over town till the sun came up. All the stories we exchanged, all the things I learned about life….

I have moments where I crave that high. Don't get me wrong…..like I said it's a daily struggle, a life long struggle, it doesn't just go away.