I am so in love with my husband.
I loved him when I married him, but it was a different kind of love, and as time goes by, I see that "Love" changes like the seasons. Sometimes it's cold and bitter, and fades to warmth and sun shiny days...with a pinch of windy laughter
….Now…now, I think I understand what Love is really intended for…but that's my little secret...
I mean...I always loved him but right now at this very moment in time… I stare off into space realizing how much this person makes my life go round, how much this person makes the frown on my face turn into a bucket of smiles. I feel my heart beat so wildly I almost want to cry because I am so thankful…and so relieved I have something in life that makes me get up everyday. Something that allows me not to be selfish...
I can do nothing but smile and look up and thank the "Gods" who gave me such a beautiful life and such an amazing lover. I love him with every fiber of my being every stitch of my soul.
We've grown and fallen, and faded, and grown back…
It's a beautiful dance; one I hope to learn more steps to as I grow into a wise old woman...
Its life at its purest and love at its most precious stage…
I love that he's grown to love my quirkiness…my inconvenient moments of utter ditziness, and my ever changing mind of passion and wonder.
Sometimes love is not so lovely.. "believe me I've been there, done that...and may visit there again someday" at times it "love" makes you want to hurl, run and hide…and often you'll want to pull out your hair and paste it back on with super glue…There are always going to be days when you question your choices, wonder if you chose the right path…and it's difficult to cheer and perk your self up, when your sitting in the dumps…But when you get past those days and see the true light of things…you can lift your head a little higher dust yourself off and continue on your way.
You have to realize that the moments you make are real.. you are the creator. The good and bad are what holds it all together…I guess you could say one with out the other would leave you empty and longing for any of the two "good or bad.."
I have been blessed in many ways... which is why I will continue to live life in a good way (or the best I can) and smile for the fact that I have a "good" life or a better life than I started out with. As each day passes I am bathed in life's beautiful mystery and will persevere down the path of which my heart desires. The path that so makes my heart jump for joy, the path that get's my heart pumping and makes me shake my ass…the path that seems unforeseen, and unknown, maybe even a little frightening…because out there in the mix of all this madness is my life story writing it's self out…many chapters are waiting to be written….
26 August, 2007
17 July, 2007
Fear of truth
My tears wait silently in the back of the room pushing and shoving
I hold them back at all cost; careful to not let them spill over
They fight me with everything I have to give, and more
Waiting for the cue they know so well; I withstand their cries.
Days turn into months as the time inches by mocking my every move
What should I do? What do I say, How do I hold it together.
I'm falling apart at the seams as my inner fluff falls out.
Sprawled across the floor I wallow in my own self-pity.
Tears have yet to touch the ground and I am skating on thin ice.
Doctors say it can't be fixed
Unable to hold the protesters any longer; they break free
Thoughts of anger, tears of pain and fear of truth consume me.
I hold them back at all cost; careful to not let them spill over
They fight me with everything I have to give, and more
Waiting for the cue they know so well; I withstand their cries.
Days turn into months as the time inches by mocking my every move
What should I do? What do I say, How do I hold it together.
I'm falling apart at the seams as my inner fluff falls out.
Sprawled across the floor I wallow in my own self-pity.
Tears have yet to touch the ground and I am skating on thin ice.
Doctors say it can't be fixed
Unable to hold the protesters any longer; they break free
Thoughts of anger, tears of pain and fear of truth consume me.
18 May, 2007
I call this the Reckoning
It seems as though
Time is beginning to show
I've come across a lump
In life just a small road bump
Something to make me think
While I sit and ponder a drink
Life throws you a bucket of lemons…and they say make some lemonade.
Is it really that easy? Sounds kinda cheesy?
Do you ever think that sometimes you need something extraordinarily mind boggling to put you in your place and change the path you're currently on? You know…you're going about life, just bouncing along, and bam…
Something totally unexpected throws you for loop causing your mind to pop, and your soul to crack.
I CALL THIS THE RECKONING.
Josh used to use this term when he knew a "good" bad thing was about to happen.
I've come across a lump in life that has caused me to break down and contemplate my life thus far. What have I accomplished? What do I have to show? What makes me happy, am I truly happy…you know that sorta thing?
If I were to die tomorrow would I be happy with my life….
Well that's the thing…I don't think I have done enough in my life "Thus Far" in fact, I haven't done much, and this "lump" has thrown me into fast forward…so all I can imagine is the rest of my life and how it will play out…
It's as if…..The remote control to my life has run out of batteries, and right now I'm stuck in fast forward, scrambling around searching for new batteries… all the while, I can't pause, or even rewind, even worse I can't even turn it off.
It's all about what's coming next, how will I be affected, how will it affect others, and that is kind of scary at the moment.
I feel like I've been depressed, or just in a funk, for a little while now, and this curve ball like, a fishing line has yanked me out of my comfortable "yet unstable" zone and is dangling me over a bridge like a piece of bait. Any second now I expect a giant creature to jump straight out of the river and snap me up…
Only the bridge isn't that high, and there is of course water below to break my fall, but
I'm scared to death of letting go, scared of what's below the water, afraid of the unseen, and the unknowable depths of something so much bigger than my self.
I've just never felt this way before; I mean if I have, it's been more than 10 years…
I guess it's not a bad thing, after all if this "Lump" hadn't come my way, I might have gone on another 10 years with out ever really "Thinking" about what symbolizes my life or what my life means as a whole...So now here I am, facing crazy thoughts, a fearful heart and the questionable future….Maybe it's just because I'm almost a quarter of a century old (25)…and up until now I've just been living life on my terms, and not life on its terms.
I've been riding the waves, and not making waves of my own…how pathetic…LOL
I want to make waves, and splash color all over everything, leave nothing untouched, and everything overlooked…
I guess we all need something to jump out at us once in a while, in order to remind us, of who we are, and where we're going and why we're going there…
It's kind of sad to think it takes something overwhelmingly frightening to make you think outside the box, but what ever it takes, I'm going to hit "Play" no more of this fast forward shit, and no more rewinding myself back to the past, cause the past is gone, and I can't change it, no need to dwell there anymore, I must move on and create a path all my own, or at least just make a path, so I know kind of where I'm going…right? Or Wrong…
Or, does life just takes over and create a path when you have failed to do so for your self…
I think often that is the case, it's not a bad thing, and it's just that you never really know what you'll get, but then again, you never fully know what you're getting even when you know what's coming…
So why waste time waiting for life to throw you a curve ball, when you could be out throwing curve balls your self??!??!?!
Is it then, that you embark on the scariest chapter of your life, and why? Because you have no control over the "lump" that is in question, it's not something you created, or caused, it just something that's happened…
I guess when life takes over, you are living on life's terms and that's what you get…right? Life is too difficult to understand sometimes, trying to put it all together is just too much for the soul to bear and to heavy for the heart to carry.
Okay…I'm glad I got that out…
Time is beginning to show
I've come across a lump
In life just a small road bump
Something to make me think
While I sit and ponder a drink
Life throws you a bucket of lemons…and they say make some lemonade.
Is it really that easy? Sounds kinda cheesy?
Do you ever think that sometimes you need something extraordinarily mind boggling to put you in your place and change the path you're currently on? You know…you're going about life, just bouncing along, and bam…
Something totally unexpected throws you for loop causing your mind to pop, and your soul to crack.
I CALL THIS THE RECKONING.
Josh used to use this term when he knew a "good" bad thing was about to happen.
I've come across a lump in life that has caused me to break down and contemplate my life thus far. What have I accomplished? What do I have to show? What makes me happy, am I truly happy…you know that sorta thing?
If I were to die tomorrow would I be happy with my life….
Well that's the thing…I don't think I have done enough in my life "Thus Far" in fact, I haven't done much, and this "lump" has thrown me into fast forward…so all I can imagine is the rest of my life and how it will play out…
It's as if…..The remote control to my life has run out of batteries, and right now I'm stuck in fast forward, scrambling around searching for new batteries… all the while, I can't pause, or even rewind, even worse I can't even turn it off.
It's all about what's coming next, how will I be affected, how will it affect others, and that is kind of scary at the moment.
I feel like I've been depressed, or just in a funk, for a little while now, and this curve ball like, a fishing line has yanked me out of my comfortable "yet unstable" zone and is dangling me over a bridge like a piece of bait. Any second now I expect a giant creature to jump straight out of the river and snap me up…
Only the bridge isn't that high, and there is of course water below to break my fall, but
I'm scared to death of letting go, scared of what's below the water, afraid of the unseen, and the unknowable depths of something so much bigger than my self.
I've just never felt this way before; I mean if I have, it's been more than 10 years…
I guess it's not a bad thing, after all if this "Lump" hadn't come my way, I might have gone on another 10 years with out ever really "Thinking" about what symbolizes my life or what my life means as a whole...So now here I am, facing crazy thoughts, a fearful heart and the questionable future….Maybe it's just because I'm almost a quarter of a century old (25)…and up until now I've just been living life on my terms, and not life on its terms.
I've been riding the waves, and not making waves of my own…how pathetic…LOL
I want to make waves, and splash color all over everything, leave nothing untouched, and everything overlooked…
I guess we all need something to jump out at us once in a while, in order to remind us, of who we are, and where we're going and why we're going there…
It's kind of sad to think it takes something overwhelmingly frightening to make you think outside the box, but what ever it takes, I'm going to hit "Play" no more of this fast forward shit, and no more rewinding myself back to the past, cause the past is gone, and I can't change it, no need to dwell there anymore, I must move on and create a path all my own, or at least just make a path, so I know kind of where I'm going…right? Or Wrong…
Or, does life just takes over and create a path when you have failed to do so for your self…
I think often that is the case, it's not a bad thing, and it's just that you never really know what you'll get, but then again, you never fully know what you're getting even when you know what's coming…
So why waste time waiting for life to throw you a curve ball, when you could be out throwing curve balls your self??!??!?!
Is it then, that you embark on the scariest chapter of your life, and why? Because you have no control over the "lump" that is in question, it's not something you created, or caused, it just something that's happened…
I guess when life takes over, you are living on life's terms and that's what you get…right? Life is too difficult to understand sometimes, trying to put it all together is just too much for the soul to bear and to heavy for the heart to carry.
Okay…I'm glad I got that out…
16 April, 2007
Tornados and Snow in April?!?
Okay what's the deil-o? One day it's Snow, then it's Hot, then…. Texas twisters..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
right in my own neighborhood. Wow….
All I can say is omg…I never thought I'd see a Tornado that up close and personal, however I did and woooooooooow it was adrenalin pumping and crazy, and soooo cool to see.
On Friday I high-tailed it over to my dad's house before the storm hit…
There I was sitting on my couch-thanking god it was Friday…and that I didn't have to work in the morning…
Then my brother calls, telling me to turn the channel to 8, because there were severe storms coming our way, as soon as I changed it…
My heart started pumping this huge wall cloud was within 10 - 20 minutes of us…
There it was on the screen tornado warning, take cover, Hail, high winds, you name it..
So I jumped up, turned off the heater and grabbed Roxie…I jumped in my car and decided to go to my Dad's house since he's just a few streets over…
I could see the dark clouds getting closer and closer in my rear view mirror, I felt Like I was in a huge race…It was a very creepy feeling it's almost as if you could just feel the charged energy in the air…
Once I got to my dad's house the dark clouds were right on top of us. So Of course my Brother and I wander outside to the front yard…
Yea we were those people who stand outside and gawk at the weather rather than taking cover from it….
But I must say if I had stayed inside I wouldn't have been able to see what I saw..
CJ and I are standing outside and I look up I can see this massive black cloud circling above us and on then you could see this light white softer cloud coming out of the bottom, I kept saying "CJ do you see that, what is that?" Well then all the sudden I hear a train, well it wasn't a train but it was the noise from the tornado, I screamed and ran for the house, I stopped before getting to yell at my brother, then as soon as I look back there it fucking is….
A Tornado just 3 streets over I could hear it, feel it and see it, You could see shingles and wood floating in the air in a funnel, it made my heart almost pop, I ran into the house, and felt this fear just consume me, my body was shaking, the electricity went out, no TV….
As soon as it was there it was gone, then we heard sirens, that were stopping really close to the house…
I was like CJ it hit right across the street because when the sirens would be going off, they'd get to our area and stop…
It was like something out of a movie…
Very freaky…
After the worst of the storm was over I ventured out, well my brother works at the taco Bell there at Beach, and he was supposed to go into work at 7:00, and since there was no electricity or signal to get out on a cell phone, we drove up there….
Josh was even closer than I was just across the street from Mynards.
It was freaking incredible, signs, shingles, tree branches, were everywhere.
Helicopters were just hovering over the area; police were everywhere, ambulances, and people just everywhere…
When the electricity came on later that night, and I watched the news and say the tornado that hit us…it was unbelievable…
I just couldn't believe it…
Anywho I'm at work tonight…till 11:00 then I have to be here at 7 in the morning…
Gawd…it sucks…
right in my own neighborhood. Wow….
All I can say is omg…I never thought I'd see a Tornado that up close and personal, however I did and woooooooooow it was adrenalin pumping and crazy, and soooo cool to see.
On Friday I high-tailed it over to my dad's house before the storm hit…
There I was sitting on my couch-thanking god it was Friday…and that I didn't have to work in the morning…
Then my brother calls, telling me to turn the channel to 8, because there were severe storms coming our way, as soon as I changed it…
My heart started pumping this huge wall cloud was within 10 - 20 minutes of us…
There it was on the screen tornado warning, take cover, Hail, high winds, you name it..
So I jumped up, turned off the heater and grabbed Roxie…I jumped in my car and decided to go to my Dad's house since he's just a few streets over…
I could see the dark clouds getting closer and closer in my rear view mirror, I felt Like I was in a huge race…It was a very creepy feeling it's almost as if you could just feel the charged energy in the air…
Once I got to my dad's house the dark clouds were right on top of us. So Of course my Brother and I wander outside to the front yard…
Yea we were those people who stand outside and gawk at the weather rather than taking cover from it….
But I must say if I had stayed inside I wouldn't have been able to see what I saw..
CJ and I are standing outside and I look up I can see this massive black cloud circling above us and on then you could see this light white softer cloud coming out of the bottom, I kept saying "CJ do you see that, what is that?" Well then all the sudden I hear a train, well it wasn't a train but it was the noise from the tornado, I screamed and ran for the house, I stopped before getting to yell at my brother, then as soon as I look back there it fucking is….
A Tornado just 3 streets over I could hear it, feel it and see it, You could see shingles and wood floating in the air in a funnel, it made my heart almost pop, I ran into the house, and felt this fear just consume me, my body was shaking, the electricity went out, no TV….
As soon as it was there it was gone, then we heard sirens, that were stopping really close to the house…
I was like CJ it hit right across the street because when the sirens would be going off, they'd get to our area and stop…
It was like something out of a movie…
Very freaky…
After the worst of the storm was over I ventured out, well my brother works at the taco Bell there at Beach, and he was supposed to go into work at 7:00, and since there was no electricity or signal to get out on a cell phone, we drove up there….
Josh was even closer than I was just across the street from Mynards.
It was freaking incredible, signs, shingles, tree branches, were everywhere.
Helicopters were just hovering over the area; police were everywhere, ambulances, and people just everywhere…
When the electricity came on later that night, and I watched the news and say the tornado that hit us…it was unbelievable…
I just couldn't believe it…
Anywho I'm at work tonight…till 11:00 then I have to be here at 7 in the morning…
Gawd…it sucks…
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